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Brad reviews FAMILY OF COPS (1995), starring Charles Bronson!

Posted on by Bradley Crain

Legendary actor Charles Bronson ended his five-decade career by starring in a series of made-for-TV movies, FAMILY OF COPS (1995), BREACH OF FAITH: A FAMILY OF COPS II (1997), and FAMILY OF COPS III: UNDER SUSPICION (1999). I was in my mid-twenties as this series played out, and I enjoyed each of the installments. Today, I’m going to take a look at the first in the series.

In FAMILY OF COPS, Charles Bronson stars as Police Inspector Paul Fein. Paul, a widower as we enter this story, leads a family who is heavily involved in law enforcement in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. His oldest son Ben (Daniel Baldwin) is a detective on the force. Ben is a family man in a loving marriage with several wild kids. Paul’s younger son Eddie (Sebastian Spence) is a patrol cop. Eddie’s single, has a beautiful girlfriend, and seems to be a nice guy with a well-adjusted life. Paul’s oldest daughter Kate (Barbara Williams) is a local public defender. She seems to be dedicated to her work, not leaving much time for a social life. And then there’s Paul’s youngest daughter Jackie (Angela Featherstone), who has moved out to California and refers to herself as “the family curse.” This story opens with Jackie reluctantly coming back to Milwaukee to attend her dad’s birthday party. All Paul wants for his birthday is for his family to be together. We soon learn that neither Ben or Kate care much for Jackie and her irresponsible life choices. As a matter of fact, the reason she ran off to California in the first place was to get out from under her family’s disapproval. It’s not long after she gets back that the family wishes she would have stayed away. Sneaking out of her sister’s house late at night to drink and party, she meets the prominent local businessman Adam Novacek (Simon MacCorkindale), eventually going to his home and engaging in sexual intercourse. Sadly, the next morning she wakes up to Novacek’s recently deceased corpse, and she’s arrested as the prime suspect in his murder. Convinced of her innocence, Paul, Ben, and Eddie set about trying to clear her name and find the real murderer. Besides Jackie, other suspects begin to emerge, including Novacek’s current wife Anna (Lesley-Anne Down), his former wife Laura (Kate Trotter), who’s now confined to a looney bin, and a local gangster named Frank Rampola (John Vernon), who has a vendetta against Paul for recently busting his grandson. How far will Paul Fein go to protect his family in his search for a killer?!!

FAMILY OF COPS is a perfect example of what I would refer to as entertainment for the “older person crowd,” and I don’t mean this as a put-down in any way as I enjoyed the movie. I just mean that it fits a type of entertainment that was popular in the 80’s and 90’s. These types of shows would depend greatly on the charisma or reputation of a veteran actor or actress, would contain simple production values, and would usually follow formulaic plots. Examples of the types of shows I’m referring to include MURDER, SHE WROTE with Angela Lansbury, MATLOCK with Andy Griffith, DIAGNOSIS MURDER with Dick Van Dyke, and WALKER: TEXAS RANGER with Chuck Norris. A combination of my dad, mom and grandma loved all of these shows. I’m a big fan of MATLOCK myself. In this case, FAMILY OF COPS leans heavily on Charles Bronson’s five decades as a tough guy icon to anchor a somewhat formulaic crime film and family melodrama. The role of Paul Fein fits a 73-year-old Bronson like a glove. He’s still in good physical shape, and the movie gives him a couple of opportunities to punch the shit out of some much younger thugs and henchmen. That was fun for me.

The supporting cast of the film is solid. Daniel Baldwin and Angela Featherstone make the biggest impact. Baldwin is good as the oldest son, a hothead, tough guy on the job who is constantly being humbled at home. Featherstone has the most beautiful eyes, and her rebellious character seems to have a good heart, but she just can’t seem to keep herself out of trouble. Paul Fein’s love for his troubled daughter Jackie is a sweet part of the story and provides something that most of us can relate to. She told me that she “loved Charles,” and I think you can see that in their scenes together. Sebastian Spence and Barbara Williams don’t have a lot to do in this first installment, but their characters will get their own moments to shine in the sequels. I also enjoy seeing John Vernon and Lesley Anne-Down show up in the movie as various persons of interest throughout the story. Bronson and Lesley Anne-Down had recently worked together in DEATH WISH V: THE FACE OF DEATH (1994) and were reportedly good friends in real life. Ted Kotcheff directed FAMILY OF COPS, which I find kind of disappointing. The same guy who directed movies like NORTH DALLAS FORTY (1979) and FIRST BLOOD (1982) didn’t bring anything special to the table in this film. I know it’s a modestly budgeted made-for-TV movie, but the best that can be said for the direction is that it’s workmanlike, and you would never suspect that the director had once helmed the original Rambo movie.

Ultimately, I enjoy FAMILY OF COPS because it stars Charles Bronson. Even as an older man, Bronson still dominates a scene, and the ratings success of the movie proved that Bronson still had an audience who wanted to see him on screen. And even though the story isn’t very unique and the central mystery isn’t very exciting, just the fact that Bronson is leading a solid story that includes action, crime, mystery and family melodrama will always provide some moments of joy for his fans like me. This is far from Bronson’s best work, but the old workhorse still knows how to entertain!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.4 “The Same Wavelength/Winning Isn’t Everything/A Honeymoon for Horace”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come aboard, we’re expecting you….

Episode 6.4 “The Same Wavelength/Winning Isn’t Everything/A Honeymoon for Horace”

(Dir by Robert Scheerer, originally aired on October 23rd, 1982)

Yeesh!  This episode!  Because I’m on vacation, I’m going to lay out the facts quickly and simply.

  • Julie’s hair still looks awful.  Seriously, she looks like she should be playing the demanding gymnastics coach in a Peter Engel-produced high school sitcom.
  • Horace (Jack Gilford) and Twinkie (Nancy Walker) board the boat.  They’re in their 80s and they’re newlyweds!  Awwwww!  Horace is nervous about his honeymoon because it’s been forever since he’s kissed a woman so he asks Julie if he can practice on her.  Julie, her eyes oddly glazed over, agrees.
  • Twinkie, who loves to party, tells Julie that she’s actually been married to Horace for 30 years and he just said that he was a newlywed to trick Julie into kissing him.
  • Later, when confronted by Doc and Julie, Horace and Twinkie confess that they’re not actually married.  However, they are brother and sister.  WHAT!?
  • Turns out that Twinkie “likes to party” and Horace “likes to kiss pretty girls” so they lied so that they could do both.
  • Horace, you’re going to jail!  Oh wait, no, he’s not.  The Love Boat crew has a good laugh over it and Julie, to be honest, seemed to be pretty coked up in this episode so perhaps she had a good reason for wanting to avoid dealing with the cops.  Okay, Julie, do what you have to do, I guess.
  • Meanwhile, psychic Tess Macgill (Connie Stevens) falls in love with passenger Mike Gordon (Charles Seibert).  Unfortunately, Mike is still in love with his wife, despite the fact that they’re now separated.  It’s a good thing that there’s a psychic on board to let Mike know that his marriage is over.
  • Finally, Jack Bronson (David Doyle) boards the boat with his teenage son, Chip (Matthew Labyorteaux).  Jack is an old friend of Captain Stubing’s and he’s convinced that winning is everything!  As for Stubing, he’s just happy that Vicki will finally have someone her own age to spend some time with.  I’m happy too.  Seriously, Vicki hardly ever gets to talk to anyone under the age of 50.
  • Jack is convinced that Chip is a world-class athlete but that’s just because Chip has been lying to his father.
  • Vicki is great a table tennis.  Jack pressures Chip to play her.  Chip fakes a wrist injury to get out of it.
  • Eventually, Chip tells his father the truth and Jack realizes that he’s been pushing his son way too much.  That’s not a bad lesson but David Doyle is miscast as a competition-obsessed father.  He comes across as being too nice.  Jack is a role for Bo Svenson.

This episode …. bleh.  The psychic story was bland and the story with the elderly siblings was creepy.  The Jack and Chip story was, at least, tolerable.  Julie’s terrible new haircut continues to annoy me.  This was not the best cruise in the history of The Love Boat.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 2.8 “Undercover”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, Chris goes undercover.

Episode 2.8 “Undercover”

(Dir by Terrence H. Winkless, originally aired on October 13th, 1996)

A smarmy detective wants Chris to go undercover to help investigate a suspected money launderer, Tim Wakefield (Scott Plank).  Palermo argues that Chris doesn’t have enough experience to work undercover but the detective asks Chris, “What do you want to do?  You ready to get out of those bicycle shorts and do some real police work?”

I have to admit that line cracked me up.  It really made the whole episode.  Palermo got offended, as he always does whenever anyone points out that bike cops look silly with their shorts and their crisp white shirts.  What was great about the line was that it was true.  The detective may have been smarmy but he was right about Chris being invited to do “real police work” and he was right about bike cops not being real policemen.  Everyone know it’s true!  Seriously, if a bicycle cop ever tries to pull you over, just slam down on the accelerator.  What are they going to do?  Chase you when you’re going over 30 mph?  I think not!

(Seriously, two seasons in and the show is still trying to convince us that bike cops are real cops.  Sorry, Palermo, it’s not going to happen!)

That said, this episode’s main plot still ended up falling flat because Chris is not a very interesting character and her whole undercover thing wasn’t particularly credible.  When she went undercover, she still came across as being just as stiff, humorless, and unlikable as when she’s riding her bike and threatening people with arrest.  Tim Wakefield, of course, fell for her and Chris was supposed to be attracted to him and conflicted about her assignment and I never bought it for a second.

(As for Wakefield, he turned out to be not as bad of a guy as everyone assumed.  He was arrested but his lawyer got him off and the episode ended with him sending Chris a postcard from some tropical beach.  I think Chris was supposed to be wistful as she looked at the postcard but, since Darlene Vogel was apparently only capable of one facial expression, who knows for sure?)

Meanwhile, Cory dealt with being stalked by a mentally unstable ex-boyfriend,  Wasn’t it just last week that Cory’s partner was being stalked by a mentally unstable woman?  This show certainly does enjoy repeating itself.  While Palermo worried about Chris, TC and Victor chased some roller-blading teens who were shooting random tourists with paintballs.  The roller-blading scenes were kind of exciting but, unfortunately, they had to share space with all of the awkward bicycle scenes.

This episode had its moments.  The roller-blading was cool.  The detective making fun of Palermo was gratifying.  Overall, though, the fact that the show centers around bicycles continues to be a flaw that simply cannot be overcome.  There’s simply no way to make anyone riding a bicycle look impressive, I don’t care how serious they try to look.

Sorry, Pacific Blue.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.20 “What’s The Matter With Kids/Island of Horror”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, it’s zombie time!

Episode 6.20 “What’s The Matter With Kids/Island of Horror”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on April 16th, 1983)

Dr. Stuart Wharton (Steve Allen) is a tightass stick-in-the-mud who has come to Fantasy Island to give a lecture on how to raise the perfect child.  His wife, Margaret (Jayne Meadows Allen), is sick of Dr. Wharton telling people how to live their lives and basically threatens to leave his condescending ass if he doesn’t allow her to adopt Andy (Justin Henry), who is not perfect but who is still better than any of the imaginary perfect children that Dr. Wharton has written and lectured about.  This fantasy was predictable and kind of boring.  Jayne Meadows Allen actually wrote the script so it’s interesting that the whole fantasy is basically her telling off her husband and accusing him of being a pompous jackass.

There is one interesting scene where Mr. Roarke talks about Stuart’s idea of the perfect child and the kid suddenly appears out of thin air.  Mr. Roarke also makes the kid disappear.  Mr. Roarke is all-powerful!

(So, you may be wondering, why Roarke doesn’t just use his God-like powers in every episode?  I think he wants his guests to sometimes lean a lesson on their own.  I always hate it when people try to make me learn something.  Sorry, Roarke.)

Meanwhile Erica Nelson (Gayle Hunnicutt) goes to a neighboring island in search of her missing fiancé, Dr. Richard Yates (Christopher Connelly).  Uh-oh!  The Island’s controlled by a mad scientist named Dr. Christophe (Jared Martin)!  And Dr. Christophe is into voodoo!

That’s right, there are zombies all over the place!  And one of the zombies is Erica’s husband!  Fortunately, it turns out that zombification is not a permanent condition and Erica is eventually able to cure her husband while the remaining zombies descend upon Dr. Christophe.

I liked this fantasy.  The island was atmospheric and, by Fantasy Island standards, the zombies were actually pretty effective.  The scene of them rising from their graves was surprisingly well-done and I also appreciated that Jared Martin totally embraced the melodrama in the role of Dr. Christophe.  This fantasy also featured a great moment where Roarke appeared on the Island to inform Erica that the zombies were coming and then he promptly vanished.  I love it when Roarke does that

(Of course, I don’t think that Erica was ever in any real danger.  I mean, this episode established that Roarke can conjure people out of thin air.  I’m sure he could have just snapped his fingers and made all the zombies vanish.  But, in typical Roarke fashion, he wanted Erica to learn a lesson.)

The orphan fantasy was annoying but I like zombies!  This was a good trip to the Island.

The Hong Kong Film Corner – WE’RE GOING TO EAT YOU (1980), directed by Tsui Hark! 

Posted on by Bradley Crain

WE’RE GOING TO EAT YOU (1980) is the story of Agent 999 (Norman Chu), an agent of the Central Surveillance Agency, who has come to a remote island to catch a notorious criminal who goes by the name of Rolex (Melvin Wong). Once he gets there, he discovers that the island is overrun by crazed cannibals and is ruled over with an iron fist by a power mad Chief (Eddy Ko). Chief hoards the human meat of unsuspecting travelers who happen upon the island for himself and his soldiers, leaving the villagers at the point of starvation. As Agent 999 continues his investigation and tries to avoid becoming lunch, he finds out that the repentant criminal Rolex has become the Chief’s aid in order to expose the evils of the island to the authorities on the mainland without having to go back to jail himself. When Rolex’s plans don’t work out, Agent 999 must then team up with a goofy thief (Hon Kwok-Choi) to fight off the cannibals, save his newfound love (Michelle Kim), and get the hell off of the island in one piece!

The second film to be directed by Hong Kong icon Tsui Hark, WE’RE GOING TO EAT YOU is a wild hybrid of a film that leans heavily into horror, comedy and martial arts. It’s a rather odd mix that contains jarring shifts in tone, a staple of Hong Kong Cinema of the 80’s. One minute we’re watching men have their arms cut off and their guts ripped out, only to immediately shift to slapstick rape humor, before shifting to badass martial arts / roller skating kung fu action choreographed by a young Corey Yuen. Completely unpolished in terms of production values, it’s nonetheless acquired somewhat of a cult classic status due to its raw energy, gory subject matter, directorial pedigree, and anti-communist political themes. I thought Norman Chu was good as Agent 999, even if his charismatic agent isn’t always as observant as we’d hope he’d be. Eddy Ko, who is in one of my favorite Hong Kong films THE MISSION (1999), can be both menacing and goofy as the Chief who will pretty much do anything to preserve his power and supply of meat. The island village puts off its own scary vibes with its creepy slaughterhouse and masked cannibals, always at the ready to hack off a body part. It all adds up to a rather unique viewing experience. 

While WE’RE GOING TO EAT YOU is certainly not for everyone due to its subject matter, those who appreciate the frenetic action of Hong Kong cinema will enjoy this film. It will also fit the bill for those who like kung fu action mashups served with sides of gory gore and silly giggles. Just don’t expect it to have the polished look of Hark’s later films such as PEKING OPERA BLUES (1986) and ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA (1991). 

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.24 “Dynamite Alley”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, season 3 comes to an end.

Episode 3.24 “Dynamite Alley”

(Dir by Bruce Kessler, originally aired on March 30th, 1980)

After testifying in a trial in Bakersfield, Bonnie (Randi Oakes) is driving back to Los Angeles when, somehow, she ends up flipping her squad car.  In the hospital, Bonnie swears that she had to swerve suddenly to avoid a truck that came out of nowhere.  The only witness to Bonnie’s accident is a pre-adolescent named Corey (Bryan Scott), who was watching as Bonnie drove by his house.  Corey says that he saw the truck but Ponch and Jon come to suspect that he might be lying because he doesn’t want Bonnie to get in trouble.  Meanwhile, Grossman is writing an article on how tired drivers can hallucinate seeing other vehicles and he comes to suspect that this is what happened to Bonnie.

And he’s right!  It’s interesting that, just last season, CHiPs did an entire episode about proving that Sindy Cahill was not responsible for a crash she was involved with.  Meanwhile, this season ends with an episode that’s all about Bonnie being a menace on the streets.  Of course, event though Bonnie flipped her car after imagining seeing a truck in front of her, she gets to keep her job and everyone has a good laugh about it.

My main issue with this episode is that Corey was 1) portrayed as having a stutter and 2) nicknamed Blabbermouth by everyone he knew, even the characters who were supposed to be sympathetic to him.  When he showed up in the hospital to confess that he didn’t really see a truck push Bonnie off the road, Bonnie replies, “Oh, Blabbermouth.”  Even Jon and Ponch call him Blabbermouth.  As a former stutterer, this episode really annoyed me.

As for our B-plot, the “funny car show” is in town.  All sorts of weird vehicles show up on the streets.  One man tries to drive a tank to the show and people start throwing bottles at him.  When Baker and Ponch show up to investigate the tank, Baker nearly gets hit by a glass bottle that’s thrown at him by two kids.  Ponch grabs one of the kids but then just laughs and lets him leave.  Really, Ponch?  BAKER COULD HAVE LOST AN EYE!

And that’s how the third season ended, with Bonnie crashing her squad car because she had a hallucination and a poor kid with a stutter being called “Blabbermouth” by the police.  That’s not the best way to end a season.

Season 4 starts next week!

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 4.8 “Like A Hurricane”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

Crockett gets married!  Huh?

Episode 4.8 “Like a Hurricane”

(Dir by Colin Bucksey, originally aired on November 20th, 1987)

Crockett is upset when he’s assigned to serve as a bodyguard to singer Caitlin Davies (Sheena Easton).  Caitlin is a witness to the criminal activity of music industry executive Tommy Lowell (Xander Berkeley) and the Vice Squad is worried that he might send someone to kill her.  Crockett doesn’t have much use for celebrities and Caitlin doesn’t have much use for a cop continually telling her what to do.  But after Crockett saves Caitlin’s life multiple times, they fall in love and the episode ends with Crockett and Caitlin getting married.

Wow, Crockett got married!

I mean, is Caitlin going to live on his boat?  Is the crocodile going to be okay with this?  For that matter, wouldn’t the fact that he just married a celebrity make it difficult for Crockett to continue his undercover work as Sonny Burnett?  I mean, I imagine there was a lot of press coverage of the marriage.  Caitlin, we’re told, is a pretty big deal.

Honestly, Crockett getting married should have been a big moment but this episode just fell flat.  The main problem is that Don Johnson and Sheena Easton didn’t have much romantic chemistry so their sudden love for each felt as if it came out of nowhere.  Sonny getting married that quickly seemed a bit out-of-character for him.  This episode, like much of season 4, felt like it was mostly the result of the writers grasping at straws to find something new to do with the show.  Last week, Trudy got kidnapped by aliens.  This week, Crockett got married.  Maybe next week, Tubbs will take on the Yakuza.  Who knows?  At this point, it all feels random.

We’ll see what happens.  For now, here’s Sheena Easton performing one of my favorite Bond songs.

Brad reviews SHATTERED (2007) starring Pierce Brosnan, Gerard Butler, and Maria Bello!

Posted on by Bradley Crain

My wife and I decided to watch SHATTERED (2007), also known as BUTTERFLY ON A WHEEL, on a whim tonight. We were browsing through Amazon Prime when I saw Gerard Butler on the preview, and that was enough for me to watch it. Sierra likes cheesy thrillers, which this definitely gives off that vibe, so she was all in as well. 

SHATTERED is set in Chicago and opens on the Randall’s, a seemingly perfect little family, made up of Neil (Gerard Butler), Abby (Maria Bello), and their beautiful daughter, Sophie. Neil’s a successful, if somewhat ethically challenged businessman on the verge of a big promotion, and life is good. That is, until a stranger (Pierce Brosnan) literally pops up in the couple’s life out of nowhere, tells them that he’s kidnapped Sophie, and forces them to do whatever he says or he’ll kill the girl. One moment they’re emptying their bank accounts only to see the stranger burn the money, and the next they’re delivering incriminating business documents to the competition that will destroy Neil’s company and his career. As the demands escalate, we learn that Neil and Abby’s lives aren’t quite as perfect as initially presented. But who is this stranger, why is he doing this, and how far will he force them to go to save their daughter?

I enjoyed SHATTERED quite a bit. It’s one of those movies that rope you in with its intriguing premise… a mysterious stranger puts a happy couple through hell, and we don’t know why he’s doing it, but we want to! This type of story, if done well, always pulls me in even though we’ve seen it done many times before. It’s helped by the game cast. Pierce Brosnan is appropriately intense and menacing as the stranger, helping us believe that he’ll hurt their daughter if they don’t follow his orders. James Bond, he is not! I’m a big fan of Gerard Butler, and he’s good here. His character is not the badass that we’ve come to expect from him these days, and he’s not that great of a guy either, but he does a good job of portraying a morally compromised guy whose life is spiraling out of control. Maria Bello is equal to the task as well, as the desperate mother who’s forced to deal with her husband’s failures at the same time as she’s dealing with any mother’s worst nightmare.

At the end of the day, these types of thrillers live and die based on their “twists” at the end. I have to admit that I was able to figure out the first twist about halfway through the movie, but SHATTERED isn’t content with just one twist, and it seems to stumble somewhat as it continues on after the first big reveal. I don’t blame the writers for trying to come up with something unique to close us out, but it doesn’t feel entirely successful in light of all that’s transpired before. It might actually be worth a rewatch just to see how well it stacks up. 

I’m glad I watched SHATTERED. It’s time-tested storyline and fast pace make it worth a viewing, especially if you’re a fan of the cast like I am. Just keep your expectations in check, and you should enjoy the ride!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi High 2.7 “The All Nighter”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1989 to 1991!  The series can be streamed on YouTube and Tubi

This week, it’s drugs and poker!

Episode 2.7 “The All Nighter”

(Dir by Eleanore Lindo, originally aired on December 16th, 1990)

This week’s episodes tells the story of several all-nighters.

Alex, who is now apparently a major character, pulls an all-nighter to write a last-minute essay, one that he was assigned over a month ago.  Hey, we’ve all been there!  Luckily, he gets it written.  Because this episode aired at the end of the 80s, he has write on an old timey typewriter.  I like old typewriters.  I can’t imagine writing with one — seriously, how did people correct typos back then? — but I do like the look and the sound of them.

Luke, Yick, Joey, and Arthur play poker at Luke’s house.  (Apparently, everyone’s forgiven Luke for giving Shane the LSD that caused Shane to plunge to his near death last year.)  At first, Luke doesn’t want to invite Arthur  but Yick talks him into it.  Arthur turns out to be a poker hustler and soon, he’s made over $15 in dimes.  Myself, I don’t think I’ve ever won a hand at poker.  I’m good at blackjack, though!

Finally, the most important all-nighter is the one that Maya, Melanie, Caitlin, and Kathleen hold for Diana’s birthday!  Woo hoo!  Birthday all-nighter’s are the best!  However, in this case, Kathleen decides to bring two joints to the party.  Kathleen explains that she and Scott used to smoke weed all the time.  (Uhmm….okay.  I remember Scott and he really didn’t seem like a stoner.)  Luke made the mistake of trying to hide his stash in the tampon machine in the girl’s bathroom, which is how Kathleen got her hands on it.

Everyone, except for Caitlin, plays truth or dare while passing around the joint.  Uh-oh, can you see where this is going?  While Diana complains that she’s not feeling anything, Melanie decides that she’s stoned enough to reveal that she read Kathleen’s diary and that Kathleen has anorexia, an alcoholic mother, an abusive boyfriend, and a therapist.  Kathleen gets upset and runs outside.  Caitlin comforts her while Melanie giggles inside.

And again, I think just about everyone has been there.  From my own high school experiences, weed drama usually didn’t involve people who were actually stoned as much as it involved inexperienced smokers who were trying to convince themselves that they were stoned and who inevitably ended up doing something stupid as a result.  Melanie, for instance, I don’t think was anywhere near as stoned as she was trying to act.  For someone who has never smoked weed before, it apparently only took Melanie a few minutes to start talking about “the munchies.”  Her giggly betrayal of Kathleen was more about her thinking she was “so high” other than actually being high.  Still, the damage was done.  This episode ends with Melanie apologizing to Kathleen and Kathleen walking away without saying a word.

(While we’re on the subject of weed, I have to admit that I kind of lost interest in it once it started getting legalized and became socially acceptable.)

Anyway, this was a good episode.  I appreciated that it didn’t go for any of the usual melodrama that teen shows usually resort to when it comes to people experimenting with drugs.  Degrassi High’s strength is its nonjudgmental attitude and that was on display in this episode.

Next week, Wheels wears out his welcome at Joey’s house …. again!

Brad reviews SUNDOWN: THE VAMPIRE IN RETREAT (1989), starring David Carradine and Bruce Campbell!

Posted on by Bradley Crain

In honor of Bruce Campbell’s 67th birthday, I decided to watch a movie he’s featured in that I’ve never seen before. I thought the horror-comedy SUNDOWN: THE VAMPIRE IN RETREAT looked like it might be fun so I went for it! 

In the desert town of Purgatory, a colony of vampires led by Count Mardulak (David Carradine) want to live in peace, abstaining from human blood, and instead, drinking a blood substitute called “Necktarine,” which is produced in a local factory. They also use high powered sunscreen that allows them to go out in the day time as long as they wear thick sunglasses, big hats or umbrellas, and gloves. Unfortunately, the blood factory begins experiencing production issues, so Mardulak asks David Harrison (Jim Metzler), the unsuspecting human who designed the production process, to come to town and fix their problems. Harrison brings his family with him, including his wife Sarah (Morgan Brittany), and their two daughters. The Harrison family soon find themselves in the middle of an other worldly war as Jefferson (John Ireland) and Shane (Maxwell Caulfied), rebellious local vampires, plot to overthrow Mardulak so they can return to their murderous ways. Meanwhile, Robert Van Helsing (Bruce Campbell), the great grandson of the famed vampire hunter, walks into town, ready to romance the local vampire beauty Sandy (Deborah Foreman) and drive stakes into the hearts of as many bloodsucking freaks as possible!

As far as I’m concerned, SUNDOWN is a blast as a completely absurd horror-comedy that puts an interesting spin on traditional vampire legend, with its endless sunscreen slathering and a growing local weariness over “Necktarine” adding to the good times. It’s campy and silly, with purposely terrible stop motion bat effects, over-the-top family drama, and lots of cheesy one-liners, but of course that’s all part of the charm. 

The B-movie dream cast is what I enjoyed the most about SUNDOWN. David Carradine plays it pretty straight as the town leader Count Mardulak, which is effective when you consider all of the craziness going on around him. Bruce Campbell, and his mustache, steals all of his scenes with his goofy charm and misguided heroics. And, of course, the inimitable M. Emmet Walsh is perfect as old man Mort, a vampire who loses his temper and beheads a disrespectful city slicker. He just can’t help himself. Throw in other veteran character actors like Bert Remsen and John Ireland and it’s easy to enjoy the movie no matter how silly it all gets.

On a personal note, I did want to point out a couple of performances in SUNDOWN that have Arkansas connections. First, Jim Metzler had a solid part a couple of years after this movie in the crime thriller ONE FALSE MOVE (1991), which was co-written by Billy Bob Thornton and partially filmed in Eastern Arkansas. It’s a great movie and Metzler is good in it. Second, Elizabeth Gracen has a small part in the film. Gracen, whose actual name is Elizabeth Ward, won the title of Miss Arkansas in 1981 and then went on to win Miss America in 1982. My uncle Billy was her hair stylist as she made her run to beauty pageant immortality. Other notable Gracen life events include her affair with Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton in 1983, her appearance in Steven Seagal’s MARKED FOR DEATH in 1990, and her Playboy spread in 1992. Interestingly, 18 years old at the time, I saw the layout when my girlfriend’s mom bought the issue and let me look at it! 

Overall, SUNDOWN lets us know right off the bat the kind of absurd movie we’re dealing with, so you’ll either be into it or want to just move on. I was into it, mainly due to its strong cast. It’s not perfect, and it overstays its welcome by a good 15 minutes, but SUNDOWN is a fun watch for fans of silly horror-comedies and the excellent cast. I had a great time with it!