The Sisters”

Posted on December 28, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week’s cruise is all about family, love, and …. CRIME!

Episode 1.18 “Last of the Stubings / Million Dollar Man / The Sisters”

(dir by Jack Arnold, originally aired on February 4th, 1978)

Fresh from having given Isaac a lesson in black history during the previous cruise, Captain Stubing is excited to give the rest of the crew a lesson about his family. The Stubings have a long and noteworthy Naval tradition and the Captain is proud to announce that his nephew, L. Courtney Stubing IV (Peter Isacksen), has been accepted to Annapolis. But, before going to school, he’s going to work on the Pacific Princess and show everyone that he is a natural-born sailor. The only problem is that Courtney Stubing is not a natural-born sailor. Instead, he’s a tall, clumsy, near-sighted, and kind of goony guy who has no idea how to talk to the passengers and who would rather be a ballet dancer. The problem, along with the fact that he’s the last of the young Stubings and expected to carry on the family tradition, is that he’s just as bad at dancing as he is at everything else.

Now, I have to give some credit to Gavin MacLeod here because he made this storyline work. The scene where, having finally realized the truth of about his nephew, Captain Stubing tells Courtney that it’s okay not to become a sailor and that he should find out what he’s good at was well-written and sensitively acted by MacLeod. It was about as honest a moment as you’ll probably ever find on a show like The Love Boat.

While the Stubings were bonding, two sisters were fighting. Rose (Marion Ross) was upset that Noreen (Pat Crowley) was spending all of her time with the handsome Clark Tyler (Brett Halsey). Seeing as how I mostly know Hasley from his starring role in Lucio Fulci’s Touch of Death, I would have been more concerned for Noreen’s safety than upset that she was ignoring me. Anyway, it was kind of boring story but it all worked out in the end. Marion Ross would go on to become the Love Boat’s most frequent passenger, though she always played a different character. Eventually, she even played a woman who married Captain Stubing but we’ve got a long way to go until we reach that point.

A long, loooooooooong way.

Meanwhile, two passengers found love. Unfortunately, it was only after they slept together that Stephanie (Marcia Strassman) discovered that Bill (Frank Converse) had stolen a million dollars from his employer and Bill discovered that Stephanie was a cop. Stephanie explained that she would be required to arrest Bill as soon as the ship returned to the United States. Bill considered running off to Mexico but, in the end, he decided to face justice in the U.S., on the condition that Stephanie would be waiting for him after he got out of prison. Honestly, I think it would have made more sense for Stephanie to just join Bill in Mexico and thy two of them could have built a new life there. I mean, they’ve got a million dollars! But, whatever. Strassman and Converse had a lot of chemistry so, despite yourself, you really do hope that things will work out for them while you’re watching the episode.

And I hope things work for you as well, as we sail towards 2023! The Love Boat will return.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.2 “The Big Dipper/The Pirate”

Posted on December 27, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles! How silly can things get this week?

Episode 2.2 “The Big Dipper/The Pirate”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on September 23rd, 1978)

Pete Raymond (Dan Rowan) and his daughter, Harmony (Jill Whelan), are professional pickpockets who are hiding out from a determined NYPD Detective named Broylan (Cameron Mitchell). What better place to hide than Fantasy Island? After stealing a ticket to the island from a reverend, Pete discovers that “his” fantasy is to work on a farm. Of course, as you probably already guessed, the fantasy is actually Harmony’s. She wants her father to calm down and live a normal life, away from committing crimes and fleeing the police. At first, farmwork seems to agree with Pete but then Broylan shows up on the island.

I’ve often wondered about the legal status of Fantasy Island. Is it an independent nation or is it territory of the United States or a member of the Commonwealth? Some of the episodes during the first season suggested that Fantasy Island was a territory of the United States. However, in this episode, Roarke reminds Broylan that the NYPD has no jurisdiction in Fantasy Island and that the island is not required to turn anyone over to America. Pete is eventually arrested but Mr. Roarke explains that the Fantasy Island magistrate has ruled that Pete and Harmony can stay on the island and work on the farm. When Broylan demands to know who the magistrate is, Mr. Roarke replies that he is. So, apparently, we are now back to Fantasy Island being a separate nation where Mr. Roarke makes and interprets all of the laws.

The legal status of Fantasy Island was probably the most interesting thing about this fantasy. It’s always fun to see Cameron Mitchell playing an obsessed cop but Dan Rowan gives a lousy performance as Pete and it’s never really clear how Harmony was able to set up the fantasy in the first place. I mean, it obviously took a lot of planning on her part. Did Mr. Roarke charge her the full price or is she another one of the freeloaders that Tattoo is always complaining about?

The show’s other fantasy is even more ridiculous and, not coincidentally, it’s also a lot more fun. Painter Ted Cavanaugh (Sonny Bono) is upset that his ex-wife Mary (Diana Canova) is going to be marrying some stuffy rich guy so he asks to be transformed into an 18th century pirate so that he can kidnap Mary and convince her that she’s still in love with him. WHAT!? It’s totally completely ludicrous but …. I don’t know. Sonny Bono is kind of funny as a pirate. If you’re going to have a silly fantasy, you might as well go out and make it as silly as humanly possible and that’s definitely what happens here. Fortunately, it all works out in the end. Who can resist a pirate?

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 3.5 “No Smoking” and 3.6 “Coach Fuller’s Car”

Posted on December 26, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Are you feeling lost? Fear not! The Deering Tornadoes are here with some important life lessons!

Episode 3.5 “No Smoking”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 27th, 1997)

Oh no, Teddy’s smoking!

Yes, it’s yet another TNBC anti-smoking episode. It seems like every TNBC show was required to do at least one episode where someone smokes one cigarette and suddenly becomes so addicted that they can’t function without that sweet, sweet nicotine. Everyone tells them that smokers aren’t cool. No one wants to hang out with a smoker. Smokers smell like smoke. Smokers taste bad when you kiss them. Smokers can’t play basketball. Blah blah blah. It’s like a 30-minute version of those dumbass Truth dot com commercials where they’re like, “Big Tobacco is ravaging Struggling America.”

Anyway, Teddy is smoking and, when Coach Fuller finds out, he forbids Teddy from playing basketball. Everyone tries to help Teddy quit. Hypnosis doesn’t work. Meditation doesn’t work. “The nicotine has control of you,” Coach Fuller explains, making nicotine sound a lot cooler than it actually is. Eventually, Fuller lets Teddy play, even though Teddy still hasn’t totally given up cigarettes because Fuller apparently had a total personality transplant between seasons 2 and 3. (Remember how, during season 2, Fuller decided he’d rather the team lose than allow his best players on the court, all due to some fake IDs? That doesn’t seem like the actions of a guy who would just sort of shrug and let Teddy play.) Teddy agrees to enter an “anti-smoking” program and the other non-smokers on the team agree to attend with him. What good is that going to do for them? They’re already anti-smoking. No, this is a path that Teddy must walk alone.

Ugh, this episode was so heavy-handed. I don’t even smoke and I got annoyed with it. Let’s move on.

Episode 3.6 “Coach Fuller’s Car”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 27th, 1997)

Coach Fuller has a conference to attend but the cab that was supposed to take him to the airport never showed up! Because Fuller apparently has no friends or family outside of his team, he asks if they can give him a ride to the airport. When they reveal that Vince’s car isn’t working, Fuller asks them to drive him to the airport in his prized Range Rover.

So, already, this episode has a huge credibility program. First off, is there seriously no one else who can drive Fuller to the airport? What about the assistant principal, the one who happens to be in love with him? How about the assistant coach who showed up when Fuller had the mumps? How about one of the many adult basketball players who are willing to drop everything and come to Deering High whenever a member of the Tornadoes needs a pep talk?

Secondly, even if we do accept that Fuller needs a high school student to drive his car to the airport, why does the entire team go to the airport with them? Julie ends up driving, while Teddy, Vince, and Danny pile in the back seat. Since it’s already been established that Fuller is extremely protective of his car, why would he allow the three most irresponsible characters on the show to ride with him and Julie to the airport?

Anyway, once they reach the airport, Fuller tells Julie to take the car straight home. Instead, Julie, Teddy, Vince, and Danny drive the car to a frat party in Indianapolis, where Michael’s band is performing. (Michael has a band? And Kristy and Mary Beth are his backup singers?) Unfortunately, the punch at the frat has been spiked and soon, everyone but Michael and his singers are drunk! In a rare example of good judgment, Julie decides not to drive Coach’s car while drunk. Instead, they leave the car at the frat house while Michael takes everyone home.

The next morning, Michael and Julie go back to the frat house and …. THE CAR’S GONE!

You saw that coming, right?

When Fuller comes home early, he is informed by the police that his car was found on the roof of the university library. (The police say is was a rush week prank. I’m wondering how a bunch of frat boys got a range rover on the roof of a library.) The car is fine but Fuller still plays a prank on his team by having some biker dude tell them that the car is no more. It turns out that Fuller is proud of his team for not driving drunk but he still orders them to run 20 miles to teach them a lesson about responsibility.

This episode …. actually, it wasn’t that bad. Yes, Fuller made a huge mistake trusting the team with his car but, for once, his reaction to the team screwing up seemed realistic and reasonable. He praised his team for not driving drunk. That’s a good message. Despite the fact that most of this episode’s drama could have been avoided by the characters not being idiots, the overall episode actually work pretty well.

What lessons will be learned next week? We’ll find out soon!

Film Review: After Ever Happy (dir by Castille Landon)

Posted on December 25, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The fourth installment in the After franchise, After Ever Happy picks up where After We Fell ended.

The world’s most boring couple, Tessa Young (Josephine Langford) and Hardin Scott (Hero Fiennes Tiffin), are in London to attend Hardin’s mother’s latest wedding. Unfortunately, Christian Vance (Stephen Moyer) takes this opportunity to reveal that he is actually Hardin’s father which leads to Hardin storming off and grabbing a bottle of whiskey. If you’ve seen the previous three After films, then you know that’s a big problem because Hardin is a recovering alcoholic who turns into an asshole when he’s drunk. Of course, Hardin’s usually an asshole when he’s sober as well.

Because Tessa really doesn’t have any life beyond chasing after Harin and trying to keep him from being self-destructive, Tessa chases after him and tries to keep him from doing anything self-destructive. Unfortunately, since Harden’s already drunk, he decides that he might as well burn down his mother’s house and that’s exactly what Hardin does. In most movies, this would be treated as Hardin going off the deep end and as evidence that Tessa should get a thousand miles away from him. In the After films, every stupid, impulsive, and destructive thing that Hardin does is just an excuse for Tessa to comfort him by having soft-focus sex in a car. In the world of the After films, every toxic relationship is a Dior commercial.

Not now, Natalie!

Anyway, After Ever Happy pretty much follows the exact same pattern as the previous three films. After Tessa’s father dies, she moves to New York in order to heal and Hardin loses it. Hardin follows her to New York. Tessa takes him back. Hardin explodes over some trivial issue. Tessa forgives him. Tessa tries to do something for herself. Hardin gets mad. Tessa forgives him. Hardin tries to be a better person, which in this case means that he gives his scarf to an old homeless man whom Tessa has been giving food. (Tessa explains that giving the homeless man food makes her feel better about losing her dad, which is another way of saying that she’s only helping him to make herself feel good. If her Dad was still alive, the homeless man would probably end up freezing to death while Tessa and Hardin debated whether Fitzgerland was a better writer than Hemingway. Maybe one of those schmucks could try to help the old homeless man find shelter or something. That scarf’s only going to do so much.) Hardin turns his journals into a novel, which is somehow published. Tessa is angered that Hardin wrote about her without asking her permission and she leaves him. Hardin’s book is acclaimed, despite the fact that the excerpt we hear sound terrible. Hardin becomes an amateur boxer or something. I’m not really sure what was up with that scene. “To be continued….,” the title card announces, so maybe the next movie will feature more action in the ring.

A few questions sprang to mind as I watched After Ever Happy:

Why, after four movies, does Hardin still only have one facial expression?

See? Just one.

What was going on with Tessa’s hair during the second half of the movie?

Seriously, Tessa’s hair was one of the few things that she had going for her and this movie took that away from her.

Finally, how is it that, after four films, the lead performers still have next to zero romantic chemistry? You would think that, after three years of playing these people, Hero Fiennes Tiffin and Josephine Langford would at least have a little bit of a spark to their interactions but instead, they still come across as being friendly acquaintances as opposed to lovers. There’s nothing about their performances that suggest that they know each other in a way that only two people who are deeply in love could know each other. There’s none of the little details that one immediately spots between people who have shared trauma and found love. Instead, every emotion and thought is on the surface. There’s no depth to the relationship. Hardin is toxic and whiney. Tessa is the doormat that other doormats walk over.

Typically, with a film like this, critics will say that the cast does their best with the material they’ve been given but, in this case, everyone’s just as lousy as the material. Say what you will about the 50 Shades Films, at least Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson appeared to be having fun. The cast of After Ever Happy, from the stars on down, just seem to be hoping that it will soon all be over with.

Retro Television Reviews: Gidget’s Summer Reunion (dir by Bruce Bilson)

Posted on December 25, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1985’s Gidget’s Summer Reunion! It can be viewed on Tubi!

Back in the 1970s, when the rest of the country was worrying about political corruption, inflation, and an out-of-touch president with an embarrassing family, Gidget, Jeff, and their friends were carefree California teenagers who spent all of their time either hanging out on the beach or running into the ocean with a surfboard. It was a time when they had not a care in the world and, obviously, it couldn’t last forever.

Nearly 10 years later, Gidget (Caryn Richman) and Jeff (Dean Butler) are now married and their surfboards have been safely stored away in the garage. Jeff works as an architect and it’s obvious that his new boss, Anne (Mary Frann), wants to make their professional relationship into something personal. Gidget, meanwhile, owns her own travel agency and, apparently, it’s a success even though Gidget rarely seems to spend much time at the office. Gidget is hyperactive and a bit self-absorbed and, as such, she usually only shows up at work long enough to tell her employees about her latest problems before then running out of the office in an impulsive attempt to fix everything.

What problems do Gidget and Jeff have? Well, for one thing, they live in a giant house despite the fact that they’re nearly broke. They’re both workaholics and, as a result, they don’t spend as much time together as they used to. They got married and then they became strangers. It’s been years since they last went down to the beach. When Gidget’s niece, Kim (Allison Barron), wants to learn how to surf, it doesn’t even occur to her to ask her aunt or her uncle. Instead, she ends up hanging out with a sleazy, beer-drinking surfer named Mickey (Vincent Van Patten).

Fear not! Gidget has a plan! Jeff’s birthday is coming up and Gidget decides that it would be a great idea to use her travel agent powers to get the entire gang back together again. She wants to bring all of the old surfers back to help celebrate Jeff’s big day. The only problem is that the old gang isn’t entirely easy to find. Plus, one of Gidget’s tour guides has to drop out of leading a tour in Hawaii. Gidget is forced to go in his place. Can she get back from Hawaii in time to save Jeff from Anne and Kim from Mickey? And even more importantly, will she ever be able to track down the old gang? Will the movie end with a bunch of balding guys surfing while the Beach Boys play on the soundtrack? Can you guess the answer?

The best thing that can be said about Gidget’s Summer Reunion is that the beach looked nice and the Hawaii scenes reminded me of the wonderful summer that my family and I spent in Hawaii. And the film is correct when it points out that adulthood is never as easy as we expected it to be when we were teenagers. However, the film suffers from the fact that a lot of Gidget’s problems could have been solved by Gidget actually taking a few minutes to think before acting. It’s one thing to be free-spirited and impulsive. It’s another thing to totally lack common sense. For instance, Gidget and Jeff’s old surfboards are stolen out of the back of Gidget’s convertible and, while you can certainly feel bad for Gidget’s loss, you do have to wonder what she was expecting when she basically just left them out in the open, where anyone could get their hands on them. Jeff isn’t off the hook either, as it was pretty much obvious to everyone but him that Anne was trying to get him to cheat on his wife. Gidget and Jeff are a cute couple but they don’t seem to have a brain cell between them.

Oh well. At least the beach looked nice!

Holiday Film Review: I Believe In Santa Claus (dir by Christian Gion)

Posted on December 24, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Santa Claus vs. Joseph Kony!

That’s one way to describe this rather odd French film from 1984. It’s not entirely accurate, of course. Though this film does feature an African warlord who appears to use child soldiers, it was made long before Joseph Kony came to prominence. (Speaking of which, whatever happened to Kony? Ten years ago, everyone was a Joseph Kony expert and now, he’s rarely mentioned by anyone. It’s almost as if people moved on once they realized it wouldn’t be as easy to stop Kony as the YouTube video made them think it would be.) Add to that, Joseph Kony was active in Uganda whereas this film features Santa and the Good Fairy heading to Senegal.

The scenes of Santa (played by Armand Meffre) and the Good Fairy (Karen Cheryl) getting chased by an alligator and being held hostage by the Konyesque warlord actually were filmed in Senegal. Of course, as befits as film about Santa, the movie takes place all over the world.

It begins in France, where young Simon (Emeric Chapius) is upset because his parents, who are in the diplomatic corps, went to Senegal and promptly vanished. He’s even more upset when he learns that they’ve been taken hostage and they probably won’t be home for Christmas. Simon is obviously not having a good holiday but no one at his school seems to care. The maintenance man (Dominique Hulin) throws paste at him and Simon’s teacher (played by Karen Cheryl) won’t stop singing songs about stopping all the crying. Even though the film was made in France and most of the dialogue is badly dubbed, the songs are sung in English because the film itself was expected to be a big hit in America.

During a field strip, Simon and his friend, Elodie (Alexia Haudot) board a plane for Finland because, as everyone knows, Santa lives in Finland. Simon’s hope is that he can convince Santa to bring his family home for Christmas. Amazingly, upon landing in Finland, Simon and Elodie simply walk out of the airport and stumble through some snow until Santa shows up with his sleigh. Santa takes them back to his workshop, where the children meets the Good Fairy and also listen to a bunch of non-union elves bitch about how hard they have to work all year.

(Boo hoo! Get those toys made, Winky!)

Santa and the Good Fairy decide to head to Senegal so that they can rescue Simon’s parents. Fortunately, the Good Fairy has a wand that she can use to transport anyone to anywhere instantly. Unfortunately, she loses the wand in Senegal and, unless she can get it back, Santa’s not going to be able to make his Christmas deliveries. Santa also ends up getting chased by an alligator at one point because apparently, alligators don’t celebrate the holidays.

While this is going on, Simon and Elodie are abducted by the Ogre (played by Dominique Hulin) who lives in the woods near Santa’s workshop. The Ogre makes plans to eat them and Santa’s puppy….

This is a sincerely messed up Christmas film.

That said, messed up or not, it’ll make you laugh. It may not make you laugh in the way that the filmmakers intended but seriously, how can you not smile at a alligator trying to eat Santa? There are just so many weird tonal shifts in this film that it becomes rather fascinating to keep track of them all. It starts out as a typical children’s Christmas fantasy and suddenly, with just one wave of a wand, Santa and the Good Fairy are dealing with civil war and child soldiers. It’s hard to know who this film was made for. Children who still believe in Santa will be totally traumatized by the Ogre threatening to eat the children. Adults will wonder why no one in France appears to be concerned that two unaccompanied children have snuck off to Finland in the middle of winter. It’s a very strange film and, as a result, it’s also far more entertaining than it has any right to be.

You can find it on Tubi.

Holiday Film Review: Christmas Twister (dir by Peter Sullivan)

Posted on December 24, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 2012 film, Christmas Twister, is about an outbreak of tornadoes that hit Fort Worth two days before Christmas. We’re told that, normally, there aren’t any tornadoes in December but that’s been changing due to …. wait for it …. climate change! Now, with tornado after tornado hitting Granbury, Fort Worth, Lake Worth, Stephenville, Dublin, and a lot of towns in Texas, Casper Van Dein is on a mission to save his family and make sure that everyone knows that the threat of tornadoes is real!

Because, you know, if there’s anything that Texas is famous for, it’s for blowing off the threat of tornadoes….

There’s an actual scene in Christmas Twister in which Victoria Pratt, playing a TV newswoman who is married to Van Dien, tries to convince her station manager to allow her to interrupt regular programming to announce that there might be a tornado on the way. That station manager says that interrupting programming could cause a panic and, since there’s already been three tornadoes that day, people are probably tired of hearing about them. As a result, no one leaves the mall when the tornadoes hit.

Of course, anyone who lives in North Texas knows that there’s little that our local stations enjoy more than interrupting regular programming to talk about the weather. Seriously, our meteorologists live for the chance to get on TV, talk about the storm systems that they’re watching, and tell everyone that, “You don’t need to be out in this, folks.” Our local stations would happily interrupt the President himself if a wall cloud appeared anywhere near I-35.

Biden: “I was wearing an onion on my belt, as was the style at the time….”

Dallas anchorman Steve Eagar: “Folks, we’re interrupting the State of the Union address to keep you informed about a storm system that we’ve been watching….”

It doesn’t even have to be a tornado for our newspeople to interrupt regularly scheduled programming. It can just be hail. It could just a hint of snow. You know that King of the Hill episode where it barely snows and Hank announces, “Texas isn’t ready for this!” Well, that’s pretty close to reality….

And, to be honest, I imagine that’s the way it is in the rest of country as well. The only that changes is the type of weather even that everyone worries about. The idea of Texas newspeople not reporting on a tornado threat would be like a Fort Worth weatherman refusing to talk about a hurricane or maybe a New York meteorologist deciding that it would be best not to report on a blizzard. Imagine a California station manager saying, “People don’t want to hear about the earthquake.” It just wouldn’t happen.

The other thing that I noticed about Christmas Twister is that, for a film that was supposedly taking place in North Texas, there sure were a lot of mountains around. As far as DFW is concerned, we don’t have mountains. I guess if you really went out and searched, you might find a very small hill somewhere but I can guarantee you it would be a manmade hill. This region is called the flatlands for a reason. North Texas is flat. That’s actually one of our trademarks. The land seems to stretch on forever.

However, in Christmas Twister, this is what the area outside of Forth Worth looks like:

This is what Granbury looks like right before the tornado hits:

This is what Granbury looks immediately after the tornado hits:

Yes, the film is not entirely accurate. But, on the plus side, Casper Van Dien manfully drives across the city, saving his children from the tornado and encouraging folks to stay inside. Plus, the film features a perfect shot that shows that the filmmakers did understand at least one thing about Texas:

Yep, the flag of Texas and the flag of some other country. Not even a tornado could take it down!

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 12/18/22 — 12/24/18

Posted on December 24, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Merry Christmas! I spent the first part of this week shopping and I’m spending the second half of the week with my family. It’s literally freezing outside! Wheeee!

Anyway, here’s a few thoughts on what I watched this week:

The Brady Bunch (Sunday Afternoon, MeTV)

Oh no! It’s Christmas and Carol is supposed to sing! But she’s losing her voice! Don’t worry, she gets it back.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (Apple TV+)

I watched this with my sisters on Friday night. It’s still a classic and it’s really not the Christmas season without it. Erin wrote about what this special means to her a few years ago. Read her thoughts!

Community (Netflix)

Poor Shirley. Her efforts to have a great Christmas were ruined by Jeff Winger’s need to fight a bully.

Degrassi (Tubi)

My sisters and I watched the season 3 “Holiday” episode on Friday. Actually, I kind of forced my sisters to watch it with me and, as we watched, I made sure they knew all about how Craig cheated on Ashley with Manny and how, long before that, Joey cheated on Caitlin with Tessa. I don’t know if they really cared but I had fun telling the story!

Full House (Sunday Afternoon, MeTV)

Uncle Jesse went on tour in Japan, where he was inexplicably popular. But he realized that he missed his family so he went home. Michelle gave Jesse a hard time for trying to find success out of the house. This was followed by Jesse trying to become a radio DJ but losing the job to Joey. Things aren’t looking good for Uncle Jesse.

King of the Hill (Tubi)

After walking in on his mother and her new boyfriend, Hank is struck blind! Still, it’s Christmas and Hank is determined to hand out the gifts like he always does. Bobby gets a nightgown. “A nightgown,” he says, “I’ll wear this when I’m older.” That line always makes me laugh.

Leave It To Beaver (Sunday Afternoon, MeTV)

Beaver loses the money that his father gave him to get a haircut so he gives himself a haircut. Then he asks his brother, Wally, to help him fix his new haircut. Beaver ends with a mohawk but his parents realize that they’re partially to blame for being too hard on him. It was a sweet episode.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 (Tubi)

Friday night, I watched the MST version of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians with Jeff and our friend Pat. Hooray for Santy Claus!

The Office (Peacock)

On Saturday morning, I watched my two favorite Christmas episodes of The Office. First, I watched as Michael destroyed Secret Santa by turning it into Yankee Swap. (“How is this better than an iPod!?”) Secondly, I watched the 3rd season episode in which Michael, Andy, and Dwight went to Benihana. I always enjoy the episodes where Andy’s evil more than the episodes where Andy is so needy for approval that it’s difficult to take. I know that one of the actresses who played a Benihana waitress has subsequently spent a lot of time condemning the episode and trying to get the outrage machine going. There’s really nothing more Twitter than signaling that you appeared in a classic TV show while, at the same time, trying to cancel it. Anyway, for the first four or five seasons, every Office Christmas episode was a classic. Secret Santa, especially, is brilliant.

Saved By The Bell (DVD)

On Saturday morning, Megan and I watched an episode in which Zack and the gang met a homeless girl and her father at the mall. Because it was Christmas, the girl and her father moved in with Zack and his mom. The girl and her father were never mentioned again.

Holiday Film Review: Christmas Apparition (dir by Colleen Griffen)

Posted on December 24, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Do you have a home to go to this Christmas?

Well, then you’re a lot luckier than Emma Ashburg (Katie O. Jones), the main character of the 2018 film, Christmas Apparition!

(For the record, 2018 is the release date that is listed on the IMDb and on Tubi. From what I’ve read, the film was actually released in 2013 and its original title was The Cold and the Quiet. Apparently. the film was re-released in 2018, under a different title. As was also pointed out on the Dark Eyes of London blog, Christmas Apparition is a considerably more generic name but I can understand why the distributors went with it. Everyone loves Christmas movies but they don’t necessarily love movies about the cold and the quiet.)

Emma is a college student. The holidays are approaching and she thought that she would be able to spend them in her dorm. However, at the last minute, she’s informed by her RA that everyone has to leave the dorms because there’s a problem with the dorm’s heating system. I can relate. During my first semester of college, I lived in a dorm that didn’t have air conditioning! Luckily, we did have a ceiling fan but seriously, when it gets hot in Texas, a fan isn’t going to do you much good. My roommate and I always kept the windows open and spent as much time undressed as possible. However, that’s not really an option for Emma and, even if it was, it would probably lead to hypothermia.

As a phone call to her mom quickly establishes, going home for Christmas is not an option either. Even though Emma’s mother demands that Emma spend the holidays with her, Emma lies and says that she has somewhere to stay. Emma’s phone call is overheard by Trish (Ellen Lancaster), a wealthy woman who tells Emma that she needs someone to watch her children while she goes on her annual holiday vacation. The good news is that Emma would have a place to stay. The bad news is that Emma would have to look after Trish’s kids. However, Emma doesn’t have much of a choice so she accepts the offer.

Trish, who is apparently really eager to get away from it all, leaves the house before Emma even arrives. Emma meets Trish’s two children and she immediately starts to understand why Trish wanted to get away. Chrissy (Maura Chapelle) is a 17 year-old brat who spends all of her time on the phone and who tells Emma to stay away from her. Chrissy’s younger brother, William (Matthew Chapelle), draws compulsively but never speaks. Upon entering her bedroom, Emma discovers that someone has left a dead rat on her pillow. It’s going to be a long holiday and that’s not even considering the fact that the house itself appears to be haunted! Soon, Emma is popping handfuls of pills, having bizarre visions, and wondering why Trish never calls her back.

There’s a lot about Christmas Apparition that doesn’t make sense. The film’s final few minutes are so muddled that I’m still not really sure what was actually going on with the house or Emma. Usually, this would be a huge issue but Christmas Apparition is a horror film so it can get away with not always making sense. What the film lacks in plot coherence, it makes up for in atmosphere. The house is genuinely creepy and Katie O. Jones is a sympathetic lead. It’s a creepy film that will make you thankful that you have some place to spend the holidays.

Holiday Film Review: It Happened One Christmas (dir by Donald Wyre)

Posted on December 24, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 1977 made-for-TV movie, It Happened One Christmas, opens in Heaven. We hear the voice of Joseph (Charles Grodin), one of the top angels. Joseph has noticed that, in the town of Bedford Falls, a lot of people seem to be praying and all of their prayers concern one person. They are all worried about Mary Bailey Hatch (Marlo Thomas).

He requests that an angel be sent down to Earth to help Mary with her problems. Unfortunately, the only angel available is Clara (Cloris Leachman) and Clara, despite her optimistic outlook and upbeat personality, is not considered to be a particularly smart angel. She hasn’t even gotten her wings yet! However, Joseph promises her that, should she convince Mary Hatch not to toss away her life on Christmas Eve, Clara will get her wings.

But first, Joseph shows Clara all of the important events in Mary’s life. Clara watches as young Mary saves the life of her brother, Harry. A few weeks later, Mary manages to keep Dr. Gower from accidentally poisoning a patient. Though Mary dreams of leaving Bedford Falls and pursuing a career as a writer, she instead ends up taking over her late father’s old Building and Loan company. With the help of her husband, George (Wayne Rogers), she helps hundreds of people move into affordable housing. She is also one of the few people in town willing to stand up to Old Man Potter (Orson Welles)….

What was that?

Yeah, I know. Just hold on. I’m getting to that.

Anyway, everything is going great in Mary’s life until her irresponsible Uncle Willie (Barney Martin) accidentally loses a deposit on Christmas Eve. Facing embezzlement charges and having yelled at her family, Mary considers jumping off a bridge. Fortunately, Clara is there to show her what her life would be like if she had never been born….

Excuse me? Did you say that this sounds familiar?

Yes, It Happened One Christmas is a remake of It’s A Wonderful Life. The main difference is that the genders are swapped. Jimmy Stewart’s role is played by Marlo Thomas. Wayne Rogers plays the Donna Reed role. This leads to a few changes in the story. For instance, Mary still yells at ZuZu’s teacher but she doesn’t get sucker punched as a result. Whereas the original Mr. Potter treated George Bailey with outright hostility, the remake’s Mr. Potter tends to use a tone of condescending concern when talking to Mary. Since George Hatch doesn’t lose his hearing in one ear, he’s able to serve in World War II and he returns on crutches. In the world where Mary was never born, George still never marries but, instead of working at the library, he becomes a boorish auto mechanic. Violet is no longer an important character and Mary never tries to blame her visions of Pottersville on “bad liquor.” These are cosmetic differences but, otherwise, it’s pretty much the exact same story.

To be honest, it probably sounds more interesting than it actually is. It’s not that It Happened One Christmas is a poorly made or a badly acted film. It’s fine, really! But it’s not It’s A Wonderful Life. Marlo Thomas plays her role with a lot of energy but she’s still no Jimmy Stewart. Stewart, who was still dealing with his own World War II experiences, played up the haunting sadness behind George’s mild-mannered facade and that’s something that Thomas never accomplishes. If Stewart’s George seems like he’s been beaten down by one lost dream after another, Marlo Thomas’s Mary just seems like she’s having a really bad night. By that same token, Wayne Rogers is likable a the love of Mary’s life but he’s no Donna Reed. Even the great Orson Welles can’t escape the shadow of Lionel Barrymore. Barrymore’s Mr. Potter was a pure misanthrope who was at his happiest mocking the dead and approving men for the draft. Oddly, Orson Welles brings an almost avuncular style to Mr. Potter. One gets the feeling that Welles simply couldn’t resist winking at the audience and assuring them that he was still the bigger-than-life showman that they had grown up with.

So, you may be wondering ….. why remake It’s A Wonderful Life in the first place? I was wondering about that so I did a little research and thanks to an obscure web site called Wikipedia (not many people have heard of it), I discovered that It Happened One Christmas was actually made before It’s A Wonderful Life started to regularly air during the holidays. At the time it was made, it was aactually remake of a classic film that was no longer regularly watched. Frank Capra angrily denounced It Happened One Christmas as being “plagarism” but, in 1977, it was enough of ratings success that it was re-aired in both 1978 and 1979. But, by that time, It’s A Wonderful Life had started to regularly air during the holiday season and was being rediscovered by audiences young and old. As a result, the okay remake was soon overshadowed by the vastly superior original.

And really, that’s the way it should be. It Happened One Christmas isn’t a bad movie but it just no replacement for Capra’s Wonderful film.