In the creepy 1974 film, Peter Graves plays a father who goes on a camping trip with his two teenage children (one of whom is played by Kathleen Quinlan). A sudden earthquake and a solar flare causes the trio to try to return to civilization, where they discover that almost everyone has been reduced to a powdery substance and there are only a few crazed survivors. They try to make their way back to their home in Malibu, facing danger at every leg of their journey.
(It’s almost a low-budget and far more dramatic version of NightoftheComet.)
Effective despite its made-for-TV origins, WhereHave All The People Gone? was obviously mean to serve as a pilot for a television series. The series didn’t happen but, even with a somewhat open-ended conclusion, the movie still works.
In 2010’s Holyman Undercover, David A.R. White plays Roy. Roy is an 18 year-old Amish dude from Kansas. It’s time for him to experience Rumspringa, a period in which he can live life amongst “the English” and decide whether or not he wants to commit to being Amish. Roy decides to go Los Angeles so he can track down his uncle and work with him as a missionary.
Roy struggles in Los Angeles. Giving money to one homeless man leads to him nearly getting mugged. When he meets his uncle, he discovers that Brian (also played by David A.R. White) is now a struggling actor who has a taste for cocaine. (Brian claims that he’s a holyman working undercover.) Accompanying Brian to an audition leads to Roy getting cast as Satan on a primetime soap opera. His wife is played by vapid supermodel Tiffany Towers (Jennifer Lyons). Meanwhile, the show’s producer is a former country girl named Annie (Andrea Logan White) and soon, Roy is having fantasies about Annie dressing up like an Amish woman and dancing in a field with him. However, the head of the network (Fred Willard) wants Roy to date Tiffany because it’ll be good publicity for the show.
Throughout it all, Roy remains innocent and confused about the modern world. He’s never watched television. He doesn’t know how to use a phone. He doesn’t understand what a credit card is. He’s earnest and honest to a fault and, even after Tiffany makes out with him, he continues to insist that he only has eyes for Annie.
Of course, in reality, I imagine that the typical Amish person knows how to use a phone. I imagine that they probably also know what a television is and they probably even understand that you’re expected to pay your credit card debt. The Amish may choose to reject a good deal of the modern world but that doesn’t mean that they don’t know what the modern world is. But this film isn’t meant to be a realistic portrayal of the Amish or of Hollywood or of really anything.
Indeed, I’m not really sure what to make of this film. It’s faith-based and it ends with Roy delivering a simple message about loving others but the film’s humor is often rather mean-spirited and there’s several jokes that are more than a little racist and homophobic. (Japanese tourists take pictures while shouting, “Godzilla!” When Brian ends up in jail, his cellmate is a hulking black man who says his name is Beef because “it’s what’s for dinner.”) David A.R. White is not bad as Roy but his performance as Brian is incredibly shrill and there’s really no reason, beyond ego, for director White to have cast himself in both roles.
Probably the best thing that one can say about the film is that the name actors — Fred Willard, Clint Howard, Edie McClurg, and Staci Keanan — all manage to survive with their dignity intact. Indeed, the highlight of the film is, believe it or not, John Schneider earnestly playing himself as the actor who replaces Roy as Satan and who then promptly launches a presidential campaign. “The country’s going to Hell anyway!” he says, with just the right amount of self-awareness.
Interestingly enough, the film does end with one particularly prophetic scene, as Roy and Annie leave Hollywood to produce an Amish dating show. Tiffany moves with them to the farm and a group of Amish men compete for her hand in marriage. Farmer Wants A Wife, anyone?
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi: The Next Generation, which aired from 2001 to 2015! The series can be streamed on YouTube and Tubi.
Whatever it takes, I know I can make it through….
Episode 1.9 “Coming of Age”
(Dir by Bruce MacDonald, originally aired on Mary 13th, 2002)
Degrassi: The Next Generation‘s slogan used to be “Degrassi goes there!” and that’s certainly the case with this week’s episode. Emma goes from being irrationally annoyed by Sean and Manny to crying while watching a documentary about space. Spike decides to cheer her up by taking her to the mall. After Spike tells off a random man who makes a misogynistic comment (Go Spike!), she buys Emma a new white skirt to help her get over her depression.
(Awww! My mom used to do the same thing for me whenever I was depressed.)
The next day, Emma wears that cute, bright white skirt to school.
And gets her first period.
This episode is a good reminder of why you never wear white when your period is coming. It’s also a good reminder that your period is nothing to be ashamed of, which is something that we shouldn’t have to be reminded of but, unfortunately, we sometimes do. When Emma delivers her book report while wearing oversized gym shorts, JT makes a dumb comment asking if Emma had an accident. Emma replies that “No, I just got my period for the first time …. it happens to 50% of the population. Perfectly natural, nothing to be ashamed of.” Woo hoo! You tell ’em, Emma! And seriously, go to Hell, JT. No wonder you’re going to end up dying in another 5 seasons.
Seriously, Emma’s character usually annoys me to death (and, in later episodes, you’ll see why) but she rocks in this episode. But you know who is really cool in this episode? Paige, who comes to Emma’s rescue with a pad and assures her that coming of age is no big deal.
As for the other storyline …. eh. It’s another boring Ashley/Jimmy storyline. Jimmy’s parents are professionals who are too busy working to make dinner for their son. So, Jimmy has been hanging out at Ashley’s house. Ashley gets tired of her boyfriend always being around. When Toby overhears Ashley whining to her mother about Jimmy always being at the house, he tells Jimmy.
Did I mention that it’s Jimmy’s birthday?
Long story short, Jimmy breaks up with Ashley and ends up spending his birthday alone, eating pizza. Oh my God! That’s so sad! Seriously, couldn’t he at least have gotten Spinner to come over and split a Ritalin with him? But, the next day, he and Ashley get back together. This will be a recurring theme through Jimmy and Ashley’s time on Degrassi so get ready for a lot of break-ups and make-ups.
(I still found it funny that part of Ashley’s issue with Jimmy hanging out at the house was that he was bonding with Toby. I can only imagine how Toby feels about having Terri basically living in the room next to his. This season, it’s hard not to notice that Terri is always following Ashley around. Eventually, in the third season, Terri will get a boyfriend and a life outside of being Ashley and Paige’s servant. Unfortunately, Terri’s boyfriend will eventually end up leaving her with serious brain damage before shooting Jimmy in the back….)
Since we’ve been talking about werewolves today, I decided to take a one-night break from Hammer House of Horror and share this Halloween-themed episode of Highway to Heaven. Michael Landon recreates his role as the Teenage Werewolf and scares Mark half to death. He also helps a kid play some tricks and get some treats.
This originally aired on October 28th, 1987. The series was a bit silly but this episode is kind of fun. Keep an eye out for Michael Berryman!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing Homicide: Life On The Street, which aired from 1993 to 1999, on NBC! It can be viewed on Peacock.
This week, Kellerman and Lewis head to a motel.
Episode 4.10 “Full Moon”
(Directed by Leslie Libman and Larry Williams, originally aired on April 5th, 1996)
If you go back and look over my reviews of Homicide, you might notice that the dates don’t always add up. Last week’s episode aired at the start of January of 1996. This week’s episode aired in April. That’s because, when this show originally aired on NBC, the network did not adhere to the production order. For instance, the show’s producers intended for Blue Moon to be the 10th episode of season 4. NBC, however, decided to air it later in the season, as the 17th episode.. For the purposes of these reviews, I am following the production order as opposed to NBC’s order.
(Production order is also the order the was used when Homicide was released on DVD,)
As for this episode, it’s a bit of a change of pace. For one thing, the episode centers on Lewis and Kellerman, with some assistance from John Munch. The rest of the squad goes unseen as Lewis and Kellerman investigate a murder at a cheap motel on the outskirts of the Baltimore city limits. As a result, the vibe of this episode is a bit less intense than the Pembleton/Bayliss episodes. Lewis and Kellerman were far different detectives from Pembleton and Bayliss. Whereas Pembleton and, at times, Bayliss often seemed to be on a holy crusade, Lewis and Kellerman were just doing their job.
That works for this episode, which is really more of a mood piece than a typical detective show. An ex-con is shot and killed at a motel. Lewis and Kellerman investigate the crime and meet the collection of eccentrics who work and live at the motel. A large family of illegal immigrants lives in one small room. A prostitute swims naked in the pool. (Of course, Kellerman finds time to talk to her.) The motel night clerk is studying for a better life. The Reverend Horton Heat appears as a preacher. The victim’s next door neighbor is an ex-con who stays at the motel because it feels like a prison. This episode is full of slow and moody images and it’s far more of an examination of life on the fringes than a standard episode of Homicide.
Lewis does talk about his youth, growing up in the projects of Baltimore. At the end of the show, he watches as the apartment building where he grew up is destroyed by controlled demolition. The watching crowd cheers. Lewis says, “Wow,” and then grabs a brick. Meanwhile, the desperate characters at the motel go on with their eccentric lives.
This episode was a welcome change-of-pace, a noirish mood piece that showcased the teamwork of Clark Johnson and Reed Diamond as Lewis and Kellerman. After the intensity of the sniper storyline, it was nice to just sit under the moon and watch things unfold.
Today’s song of the day is one that was used so memorably in An American Werewolf In London. From Creedence Clearwater Revival, here is Bad Moon Rising.
Bad Moon Rising
I see a bad moon rising. I see trouble on the way. I see earthquakes and lightning. I see bad times today.
Don’t go around tonight, Well, it’s bound to take your life, There’s a bad moon on the rise.
I hear hurricanes a-blowin’. I know the end is comin’ soon. I feel rivers overflowin’. I hear the voice of rage and ruin.
Don’t go around tonight, Well, it’s bound to take your life, There’s a bad moon on the rise. Alright!
Hope you got your things together. Hope you are quite prepared to die. Looks like we’re in for nasty weather. One eye is taken for an eye.
Well, don’t go round tonight, Well, it’s bound to take your life, There’s a bad moon on the rise.
Don’t come around tonight, Well, it’s bound to take your life, There’s a bad moon on the rise.
Future serious actor Robert Vaughn made his film debut in 1958’s TeenageCaveman. Directed by Roger Corman, TeenageCaveman tells the story of a rebellious young man (that’s Robert Vaughn) who chooses to defy his father’s warnings and venture beyond the caves and into “the forbidden zone.” He’s told that monsters roam in the forbidden zone and indeed, at least one of them does. However, neither the Teenage Caveman nor his father are prepared for what lies at the heart of the forbidden zone.
(What will he find out there, Dr. Zaius?)
Robert Vaughn later said that, out of all the bad films that he made, this was the worst. Personally, I think he was being a bit too hard on the film. It’s not good but it is definitely fun. Along with watching all of the dinosaur stock footage, you get to wonder how a caveman — especially a teenage caveman! — could possibly have such perfect hair. Even more importantly, if you stick with it, this film has a twist ending that has to be seen to be believed.
In 2015’s Alison’sChoice, Chanel Marriott plays Alison.
Alison is a teenager who has a difficult relationship with her father. He holds back his emotions from her. She’s been left feeling insecure as a result and is perhaps a bit too dependent upon validation from other men. For instance, her no-good boyfriend, Rick (Julian Alexander), bullies her into having sex in his tiny car. When Alison later discovers that she’s pregnant, Rick’s response is to tell her to get rid of it. He tells her to go find a clinic and have an abortion and then talk to him later. Rick makes it clear that he will not paying for the procedure. He also leaves it up in the air as to whether or not he’ll even come to the clinic to support Alison.
Classy guy, that Rick.
At the clinic, Alison finds herself having doubts. Does she really want to get an abortion? The clinic’s rather harsh and antiseptic atmosphere doesn’t make things any easier. One nurse (Liz Randall) tries to pressure Alison to go through with her abortion. The doctor (Britt Prentice) confesses that he can’t guarantee that abortion isn’t murder. At the front desk, Ms. Glo (Bunny Gibson) asks Alison is she’s really sure she wants to go through with the procedure. A pushy social worker named Marta (Amy Lydon) assures Alison that it’s not big deal. Lecretia (Alicia Monet Caldwell) makes fun of Alison for being a first-timer.
And, of course, Jesus (Bruce Marchiano) shows up as a janitor and encourages Alison not to get an abortion. Actually, he encourages everyone all over the world not to get an abortion and, whenever anyone does, he starts crying. He says that he’s been working as a janitor since 1973. That, of course, was the year of Roe v Wade.
Bruce Marchiano has played Jesus in a number of films. He played Jesus in The Encounter, which is something of a guilty pleasure of mine. Marchiano has a calm and soothing voice and his eyes tend to radiate kindness, which makes him a good choice to play Jesus. From what I’ve seen of him in various faith-based productions, he’s not a bad actor at all. He can deliver his lines without looking straight at the camera and he’s capable of showing emotion. By the standards of many faith-based films, that makes him almost Brandoesque.
Unfortunately, Alison’sChoice is so heavy-handed and awkwardly acted by everyone else in the cast that Marchiano’s characteristically good and empathetic performance can’t really save it. I’m not going to get into the specifics of whether or not the film is correct about abortion, beyond saying that this is not a film that is going to change anyone’s mind about the issue. It’s a heavy-handed pro-life tract. (Then again, there’s also been more than a few heavy-handed pro-choice tracts.) What I will say is that Alison, as a character, is so indecisive and, quite frankly, annoying that it didn’t take me long to lose interest in her. Even after she becomes convinced that she’s actually talking to Jesus, she still can’t decide whether or not she loves her boyfriend. Girl, Jesus just told you that your boyfriend is no good. I don’t care what anyone thinks about abortion. If Jesus suddenly shows up and tells you to dump your boyfriend, you do it.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Good Morning, Miss Bliss, which ran on the Disney Channel from 1988 to 1989 before then moving to NBC and being renamed Saved By The Bell. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!
This week, we close out the Miss Bliss years.
Episode 1.13 “The Mentor”
(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on March 18th, 1989)
For some reason, Miss Bliss’s mentor — James Lyman (Robert Donner) — shows up at the school to visit his favorite student, Carrie Bliss. (Apparently, the very British Miss Bliss grew up in Indiana. I’m not saying it’s not possible, as her parents could have come over when Miss Bliss was still young. That said, it just seems odd that no one — not even her students — ever mention anything about Miss Bliss being British. It would seem like something Miss Bliss would have mentioned during all of those lessons about the Constitution and American history.) Mr. Lyman is retired but he agrees to substitute for Miss Bliss while she spends a week doing paperwork. (Most teachers would probably just have to suck it up and both teach and do paperwork during the week but not our Miss Bliss!)
This is one of those annoying episodes where Mr. Lyman is the unconventional teacher who gives the kids free hall passes and takes them on extended field trip without getting permission beforehand. Mr. Lyman makes learning fun! (Gag!) Miss Bliss gets upset because Mr. Lyman isn’t following her lesson plan and Mr. Lyman basically accuses Miss Bliss of being a sellout. For once, I’m on Miss Bliss’s side here. Mr. Lyman is a substitute. His job is to follow the lesson plan. If Miss Bliss doesn’t want him to handing out hall passes, that’s her right. It’s her class! And this whole thing of trusting the students not to abuse the hall pass? I would have totally abused a free hall pass. Everyone would abuse a free hall pass! I would laughed at any teacher dumb enough to give me a free hall pass. It’s almost as if the people who wrote this episode had absolutely no knowledge of how teenagers think. In the end, Mr. Lyman comes across as being an unlikable crank. The episode ends up with dressing up like Abraham Lincoln and showing up, unannounced, in Miss Bliss’s classroom. Seriously, someone call the cops on their weirdo.
Meanwhile, Nikki worries that boys don’t see her as being feminine. Lisa teachers her how to wear makeup. Next year, maybe Nikki and Zach….
Oh, wait a minute. Sorry, Zach, Mr. Belding, Screech, and Lisa are all moving to California. Nikki, Mickey, Miss Bliss, Ms. Palladino, Mylo are staying in Indiana. The Mentor was the final episode of Good Morning, Miss Bliss. The Disney Channel canceled the show but producer Peter Engel took some of the cast over to NBC and launched Saved By The Bell. The Miss Bliss episodes would later be repackaged for syndication with Zach saying, “I remember this time in Junior High…..” I remember changing the channel whenever I realized a Miss Bliss episode was starting.
We’ll start Saved By The Bell next week. Finally, the tyranny of Miss Bliss is over.
Through the Shattered Lens 