Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.9 “Mr. Kotter, Teacher” and 1.10 “The Reunion”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Mr. Kotter fights for his job and, even worse, has to have to dinner with two old acquaintances from his high school days.

Episode 1.9 “Mr. Kotter, Teacher”

(Directed by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on November 4, 1975)

Gabe tells Julie a joke about two men who were both named Bernstein.  The punchline is, “You don’t want me, you want Bernstein the Spy on the second floor!”

At school, Gabe has got a problem!  When Woodman step into the room to observe Kotter’s teaching style, he’s stunned to discover that Kotter and the Sweathogs are sitting in a circle on the floor and that they’re talking about their future ambitions.  Freddie says he wants to own the world’s tallest building and call it the Boom Boom Building.  Barbarino says that he wants to be an actor like Marlon Brando and then he and Epstein act out a scene from The Godfather.  (Incidentally, John Travolta does a pretty good Brando.)  Gabe is amused but Woodman is not.  Woodman demands that Kotter teach from the textbook.  Kotter points out that the textbook is out-of-date and there’s nothing in it to which the Sweathogs can relate.  Woodman promptly suspends Gabe and orders him to attend a disciplinary hearing.

This episode suffers from a bit of early installment weirdness and it wouldn’t surprise me if it was originally meant to air earlier in the season.  For instance, Woodman is a lot meaner than usual.  Over the past eight episodes, Woodman has often gotten frustrated and annoyed with Kotter but there’s also been a grudging respect between the two.  That Woodman would be shocked by Kotter’s teaching methods and would try to get Kotter fired as a result doesn’t really fit in with what we’ve previously seen of Woodman.  In fact, when Woodman previously taught Gabe’s class, he revealed himself to be a good teacher who was willing to engage with the students on their level.  Previously, Woodman has been grumpy and eccentric but he’s never really been malicious.

As well, in this episode, Kotter’s suddenly gets a best friend named Charlie Piper (Arnold Soboloff).  Charlie is a science teacher who drinks alcohol from a beaker.  He attends Gabe’s disciplinary hearing as a character witness and, at one point, mentions that he’s known Gabe ever since the school year began …. four week ago.  Again, it’s hard to believe that the previous eight episodes all occurred over the span of just a month.

Fortunately, the Sweathogs sneak into the disciplinary hearing.  Eptein and Washington pretend to be window cleaners.  Horshack pretends to be a janitor.  Vinnie shows up dressed as a cleaning woman.  They all testify that Gabe is the best teacher that they’ve ever had.  The arbiter of the case, Ms. Riley (Hope Summers), is moved by their testimony and Gabe keeps his job, though he is told to start using the text book.  Gabe responds by putting the book on his head and teaching the Sweathogs about good posture.

Back at his apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his grandmother and a cursed ring.

This episode wasn’t bad, it just felt out of place.  I appreciated Gabe’s defense of his students, in which he argued that they weren’t dumb but that they just needed a teacher willing to speak to them about their lives as opposed to someone just requiring them to memorize facts and figures.  But, as I said before, Woodman is a lot more effective as a half-crazed eccentric than as a flat-out villain.  Again, we’ll just describe this episode as being the result of early installment weirdness.

Episode 1.10 “The Reunion”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on November 18th, 1975)

Gabe asks Julie if he ever told her about the time that his Aunt Lucille took driving lessons.  “No,” Julie says, “but I think I’m going to hear about it.”  Not noticing that Julie doesn’t sound particularly enthused about hearing about any of this, Gabe explains that his Aunt Lucille had no idea how to signal when she was making a turn.  Julie gives him a pity laugh.

Despite all the jokes, Gabe is not in a good mood.  Two of his high school acquaintances, Lyle (Michael Taylor) and Mary Frances (Bridget Hanley), have invited themselves over for dinner.  Not only does Gabe resent the fact that Lyle and Mary Francis always seemed to be “perfect” in high school but Julie is also planning on cooking her tuna casserole!  In fact, Gabe seems to be more upset about the tuna casserole than about having to spend a night entertaining Lyle and Marcy Francis.

Naturally, after Gabe complains about the reunion during his social studies class, the Sweathogs put on their best suits and show up on Gabe’s fire escape while he’s entertaining Lyle and Mary Francis.  The Sweathogs even bring food because they somehow know how terrible Julie’s tuna casserole is.  Gabe confesses that he may not be as rich or as perfect as Lyle and Mary Francis but he’s happy because he’s getting to teach a great group of kids.  Lyle explains that he was always jealous of Gabe because Gabe got to have fun as a Sweathog while Lyle always had to be “perfect.”  Gabe learns that it was silly for him to be insecure and Lyle learns that there is more to life than just being fabulously wealthy.  Awwwwwww!

Later, Gabe tells Julie a joke about an Italian man singing opera while barbecuing.  The meat gets set on fire.

This episode wasn’t bad.  It was interesting to see Gabe revealing that he’s not always happy about being an underpaid teacher who is probably never going to be able to afford a big apartment and it was also kind of touching to see how much both Gabe and his students cared about each other.  Still, you do have to wonder why Julie keeps making the tuna casserole since literally no one in New York City is willing to eat it.

Next week: Vinnie gets a tutor!

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.8 “The Good, the Bad, and the Priceless”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984.  The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, The Master goes to New York City!

Episode 1.8 “The Good, the Bad, and the Priceless”

(Dir by Michael Caffey, originally aired on March 23rd, 1984)

This week’s episode of The Master asks us to consider just how needlessly complicated an hour’s worth of entertainment can be.

John Peter McAllister (Lee Van Cleef) and Max Keller (Timothy Van Patten) are in New York City!  Apparently, McAllister was flipping through a magazine when he came across an advertisement featuring a picture of his long-lost daughter, Terri.  The agency responsible for the ad is headquartered in New York.  McAllister is excited about the prospect of finally tracking down his daughter.  Max is a little sad because he knows that McAllister won’t need him after he finds Terri.  And Cat Sinclair (Tara Buckman) is just along for the ride….

Who is Cat Sinclair?  She was introduced last episode as a love interest for Max.  This episode tests Cat as a third member of the regular cast.  Unfortunately, since Cat isn’t a ninja, she doesn’t really got to do much in the episode, other than stand in the background and roll her eyes whenever Max makes one of his terrible jokes.  At one point, McAllister mentions that Max has a bit of a crush on Cat but we don’t really see much evidence of it.  If anything, both McAllister and Max seem to go out of their way to ignore her.

Anyway, it turns out that the modeling agency is surprisingly willing to give out the home phone numbers of its models.  They also have no problem telling McAllister, Max, and Cat that Terri has been booked as a model at a private fashion show being put on by Simon Garrett (George Maharis).

However, what neither McAllister nor Simon Garrett realize is that the woman who shows up at the fashion show and introduces herself as Terri McAllister is not Terri at all but is instead an FBI agent named Gina (Janine Turner), who bears a passing resemblance to Terri as long as she’s wearing a brunette wig.  Simon Garrett is not only a fashion designer but he’s also an international criminal.  Gina shows up (as Terri) at the fashion show and tries to search Garrett’s office.  When Garrett’s security goons discover her, her life is saved by McAllister and Max, who both believe her to be Terri.

(How exactly McAllister, Max, and Cat managed to crash Garrett’s exclusive and private fashion show is not discussed.)

Gina continues to pretend to be Terri so that she can convince McAllister to help her figure out what Garrett’s current scheme is.  Meanwhile, Garrett recognizes McAllister as an American ninja so he arranges for his men to kidnap Gina (who, again, everyone thinks is Terri).  He threatens to kill Gina/Terri unless McAllister uses his ninja powers to break into the Brooklyn Museum of Art and steal the Crown Jewels of England.  McAllister agrees to do so, which leads to an extended sequence of Lee Van Cleef’s stunt double avoiding the security lasers by doing elaborate back flips.  Timothy Van Patten’s stunt double then does the exact same back flips.  Who knew that stealing the Crown Jewels would be so simple?

As you can probably guess, this all leads to all the stunt doubles getting into a fight at Garrett’s office.  Garrett is arrested.  The crown jewels are recovered.  Both McAllister and Max turn out to be surprisingly understanding about Gina having lied to them.  One would think that McAllister, who is essentially being hunted a ninja assassins because he came to America to find his daughter, would be a bit more upset over having his emotions so blatantly manipulated but McAllister actually appears to be amused by the whole thing.  Again, it’s hard not to suspect that finding Terri is not really as big a thing to McAllister as Max seems to believe it to be.

This is one of those episodes where everything was dependent upon everyone else being an idiot.  These are typically my least favorite episodes of any show and that’s the case here.  It’s kind of a shame because Lee Van Cleef and Timothy Van Patten both had some good moments in this episode.  The scenes where Max talked about how much he’s going to miss McAllister after they find Terri actually did have some emotional heft but it wasn’t enough to make up for the episode’s missteps.  I will admit that I smiled a bit at a subplot about an ad guy who wanted McAllister to put on a cowboy outfit and pose for a series of deodorant ads.  McAllister took one look at the outfit and said, “I would never wear that.”  Oh yes, you would, Van Cleef!

Next week: Okasa returns!

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 5.9 “Dawn Don’t Know Jack” and 5.10 “Rosie O’Diner”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Dawn finally get another date and L-Train gets a van.  Life is never less than exciting for the neat guys.

Episode 5.9 “Dawn Don’t Know Jack”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 13th, 2001)

At the Manhattan Diner, L-Train tells Jamal and Al that he’s spent the past three years going to a junkyard and fixing up a van — the L-VAN!  And now that the L-Van is ready to be driven, L-Train has no problem giving his friends a ride to the DMX concert in New Jersey.  Even though Al and Jamal agree that L-Train’s van is kind of a mess (and it really is — just because you found the van in a junkyard doesn’t mean you can’t clean it out, L-Train!), they agree to allow L-Train to drive them to the concert.  However, when L-Train picks up a hitchhiker, the three of them end up getting robbed and tied up in the back of the van.  Fortunately, Ms. Noble just happens to be driving by so she …. wait a minute, what?  L-Train, Jamal, and Al are tied up in a van that’s parked off the side of the road in freaking New Jersey and their high school principal just happens to be driving by and decided to stop and explore an unwashed van?

I think we all know what happened here.  Ms. Noble set the boys up to be robbed.  Of course, the show doesn’t admit that.  The show would have use believe that it would be totally normal for L-Train’s high school principal to suddenly show up and untie him.  But we all know what really happened….

While that’s going on, Dawn has a new boyfriend!  Yay!  His name is Jack and he is an old friend of Chris’s.  It turns out that Jack is big into community service projects.  Dawn, because she has a crush on him, helps him build a house.  For some reason, Chris and Cassidy also help.  (When I was in high school, the last thing I ever wanted to do was help someone build a house.)  Anyway, Jack and Dawn go out on a few dates but Jack lets Chris know that he’s also seeing a girl named Jenna.  Chris tells Cassidy and then Cassidy tells Dawn and Dawn …. well, not surprisingly, Dawn refuses to believe it.  But then, at the party to celebrate the completion of the house, Dawn walks in on Jack giving Jenna jewelry.

Poor Dawn.  Dating Al really destroyed whatever self-esteem she once had.

This episode perhaps would have been more effective if not for the fact that the exact same cheating boyfriend storyline was also used on Saved By The Bell, California Dreams, Hang Time, One World, Saved By The Bell: The College Years, Saved By The Bell: The New Class, USA High, Sk8te, and every other show that Peter Engel ever produced.  Seriously, has Dawn never watched television before?

Let’s move on.

Episode 5.10 “Rosie O’Diner”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 13th, 2001)

Here’s the plot description, according to Wikipedia:

Jamal falls for and after some mistakes in introducing himself, he hooks up with and starts dating one of the waitresses at the Manhattan diner named Rosie. She is very independent and not afraid to speak her mind, which proves to be trouble when she begins to offend customers who get on her nerves at the diner. After numerous complaints, Mr. Grant gives his son the uncomfortable job of firing her.

I had to go with the Wikipedia description for this episode because it hasn’t been uploaded to YouTube.  It sounds pretty stupid, from the silly title to the fact that apparently, Mr. Grant can’t fire his own employees but instead puts the responsibility on his teenaged son.  As far as Rosie offending the customers …. it’s New York.  People in New York can get away with being rude.  It’s a part of their charm.  That’s why we all secretly want to live there.

I’m kind of glad I had an excuse not to watch this one.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.21 “A Good and Faithful Servant/The Secret Life of Burl Smith/Tug of War/Designated Lover”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, we have a special 90-minute episode of The Love Boat!

Episode 2.21 “A Good and Faithful Servant/The Secret Life of Burl Smith/Tug of War/Designated Lover”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on February 17th, 1979)

It’s a Mills family reunion as John, Juliet, and Haley all board The Love Boat.  Despite being related, the three of them appears in three separate and unconnected stories.  (There is one moment where Juliet walks past John and he gives her a slightly quizzical  “Do I know you?” look.)

John Mills plays Bertram MacDonald, the long-time butler and chauffeur to Estelle Castlewood (Celeste Holm).  Estelle has booked herself a vacation cruise on the Pacific Princess and she’s surprised to discover that Bertram has also booked a cruise.  As Bertram explains it, the only time that he can take a vacation is when Celeste takes a vacation.  At first, Bertram promises to stay away from Celeste during the cruise so that they can both enjoy their vacations without feeling like employer and employee.  However, fate keeps bringing them together and soon, Bertram tells Celeste that he has to resign from his position because he’s now in love with her.  Fortunately, Celeste is also in love with him so it all works out.  Upon returning to America, Bertram again drives Celeste home but, this time, Celeste sits up front with him instead of in the back of her limo.  This was a rather sweet story, largely because John Mills and Celeste Holm had a lot of chemistry and, being two veteran actors, they both knew exactly how to deliver their sentimental dialogue without making it sound overly calculated.

Juliet Mills plays Millicent, who is separated from Sherman (David Hedison).  Millicent boards the cruise with her 8 year-old son, Lucas (Keith Coogan) and she is shocked to discover that Sherman has decided to take the cruise as well.  Lucas blames himself for the separation but, fortunately, he gets a pep talk from a real-life baseball star, Reggie Jackson.  (Yes, I did ask my sister who he was.)  Even better, Sherman and Millicent realize that they still love each other and agree to call off the divorce.  Yay!  Again, this was another story that worked because of the chemistry between the two leads.  Juliet Mills and David Hedison were convincing as a couple who, for all of their ups and downs, were still willing to give their marriage another chance.

Now, you may be wondering what Reggie Jackson was doing on the cruise.  It turns out that Reggie is an old friend of Isaac Washington’s.  Apparently, Isaac was known as “Freight Train Washington” in high school.  Reggie went on to become a multi-millionaire athlete while Isaac went on to become a bartender on a cruise line.  When Reggie boards the boat, he tells Isaac that he doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s famous.  However, in an amusing twist, Reggie soon becomes frustrated when he gets what he asked for. He’s soon reduced to telling people that he’s Reggie Jackson, just to have them reply that he looks nothing like Reggie Jackson.  Not even Captain Stubing believes that he’s Reggie Jackson!  Fortunately, Reggie is finally able to convince Cleo (Telma Houston) that he is who he says he is and the two of them leave the boat together.  As an actor, Reggie Jackson was a bit stiff but he still had decent comedic timing and it was hard not to be amused at his growing frustration over being anonymous.

Finally, Haley Mills plays model Cheryl Tyson.  Gopher is excited that Cheryl is going to be on the cruise.  She’s his favorite model!  He even has a big poster on the wall next to his bed in his cabin.  Unfortunately, every time that Gopher is near Cheryl, he loses the ability to speak in complete sentences.  As such, Gopher spends the majority of the episode fantasizing outlandish, film-inspired scenarios that all lead to him sweeping Cheryl off her feet.  Gopher imagines himself as an explorer, an admiral, a knight, a spy, and as Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca.  He imagines himself as Elton John, performing Pinball Wizard as the Love Boat crew dances around.  He even imagines being in a love triangle with Julie and Cheryl.  Eventually, Cheryl gives him a pity date and it’s …. well, this whole storyline was pretty stupid.  Fred Grandy was likable in the role and Gopher could be an amusingly goofy character but his fantasies were just so silly and poorly written that I couldn’t wait for them to be over.  It’s nice that the show finally gave Grandy a showcase but neither he nor Haley Mills were particularly well-served by this episode.

This was an uneven episode.  Even though the stories featuring John and Juliet Mills and Reggie Jackson were nicely done, the Hayley Mills/Fred Grandy stuff took up the majority of the episode and it dragged the whole thing down.

Next week …. Freight Train Washington falls in love!

The TSL Grindhouse: Exterminator 2 (dir by Mark Buntzman)


Four years after the end of the first Exterminator, the man they drove too far is driven too far again….

As you may remember, the first Exterminator ended with the CIA shooting vigilante John Eastland (Robert Ginty) because Eastland’s anti-crime activities were somehow making the President look bad.  The wounded Eastland fell into the Hudson River.  “Washington will be pleased,” the CIA agent said to the gunman.  However, the film’s final shot revealed that Eastland had survived his plunge.

1984’s Exterminator 2 opens with Eastland returning to New York City.  He’s got a small apartment and a police scanner and when he hears a report that an elderly couple is being menaced by a group of thugs, he puts on a welding mask and uses his flame thrower to set the criminals on fire.  Of course, he doesn’t actually arrive in time to save the old couple from getting shot and killed.  Just because Eastland has decided to become a vigilante, that doesn’t mean that he’s particularly good at it.

The first Exterminator was a grim and gritty thriller that took itself very seriously.  In fact, one could argue that it took itself a bit too seriously.  Exterminator 2, which was produced by Cannon Films, takes a slightly different approach.  This is obvious as soon as Mario Van Peebles shows up as X, a cult leader who is looking to take over the New York drug trade.  Van Peebles, with his model good looks and his quick smile, is not exactly the most intimidating of villains.  And X is not exactly the most brilliant of bad guys.  For one thing, he drives a car with a big red X spray painted on one of the doors, which doesn’t seem to be the smartest thing to do when you have both the police and crazed vigilante hunting for you.

Fortunately, for X, John Eastland is easily distracted.  After he sets a few people on fire, he seems to lose interest in actually being a vigilante and instead, a large portion of the film is taken up with him getting a job collecting garbage with his friend, Be Gee (Frankie Fasion).  (Much like the previous film’s Michael Jefferson, Be Gree served with Eastland in Nam.)  Eastland also meets and falls in love with a dancer named Caroline (Deborah Geffner).  Unfortunately, a trip to Central Park leads to Caroline getting attacked by a bunch of X’s followers.  With Caroline in a wheelchair, Eastland has little choice but to pick up his flame thrower and transform his garbage truck into a tank of destruction….

Exterminator 2‘s production was a troubled one.  Director Mark Buntzman was one of the producers of the first Exterminator and apparently, Cannon disliked his first cut of Exterminator 2.  Director William Sachs (who was Cannon’s resident “film doctor”) was brought in to do extensive reshoots in Los Angeles.  Unfortunately, by the time Sachs was brought in, Robert Ginty had already moved on to another project and Sachs was forced to use his stunt double for any scenes involving Eastland.  (This is one reason why Eastland spends much of the film wearing a welder’s mask.)  Also because of Ginty’s absence, Sachs ended up adding a lot of scenes that focused on Van Peebles’s performance as X, with the end result being that the film often seems to be more about X and his gang than it is about Eastland and his hunt for revenge.  (Unfortunately, this also led to a lot of unresolved subplots, including one in which X orders one of his roller skating henchman to kidnap a woman off the street so she can be used to test a new batch of heroin.)  Many of the scenes featuring Ginty have a totally different feel to them from the scenes featuring Van Peebles and Ginty’s stunt double.

The end result is a film that really doesn’t have any sort of narrative momentum.  One is never really sure what either X or Eastland is hoping to accomplish.  Instead, they just kind of wander around until they have their final confrontation.  Along the way, there’s a few poorly edited fights but there’s also a lot of scenes that are just included to serve as filler.  As I already mentioned, Van Peebles is not a particularly menacing villain but Ginty also isn’t a particularly compelling hero.  Ginty’s goofy screen presence was nicely subverted by the grime and grit of the first Exterminator but, in the second film, he just comes across as being petulant and even a bit whiny.

The first Exterminator famously ended with the lines, “Washington will be pleased.”  I don’t think anyone would particularly be pleased with Exterminator 2.  As a final note, I will admit that I was so bored with this film that, when I watched it, I barely noticed when it ended and Tubi segued into showing a film called Executioner 2.  That pretty much sums up the entire Exterminator 2 experience.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.3 “Tattoo: The Love God/Magnolia Blossoms”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Mr. Roarke tries to kill Tattoo!

Episode 3.3 “Tattoo: The Love God/Magnolia Blossoms”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on Sept. 21st, 1979)

This week’s episode of Fantasy Island opens with Tattoo driving his mini-car across the island and nearly running over a group of Islanders.

Tattoo has every reason to be excited!  This week, he is getting his fantasy.  Using a fake name (Dr. H.L. Oottat — spell the last name backwards), Tattoo requested a chance to come to the Island and live out his fantasy of being irresistible to women.  At first, Mr. Roarke pretends as if he had no idea that Dr. Oottat was actually Tattoo but, by the end of this episode, it’s pretty clear that Roarke not only knew who Oottat was but that he also saw this fantasy as his best chance to kill off his troublesome assistant.

Seriously, how else can you explain how Mr. Roarke grants Tattoo his fantasy.  Tattoo wants women to find him attractive.  (That’s actually kind of sad.  Poor Tattoo!)  So, Mr. Roarke arranges for a bunch of native Islanders to mistake Tattoo for their legendary love god, Nooyeeowee.

Words goes out that Nooyeeowee has returned to the Island.  A group of Islanders take Tattoo to their village.

The chief explains that, as the Love God, Tattoo is not only responsible for deciding who in the tribe will marry who but that his presence will also guarantee successful fishing expeditions.  Unfortunately, Tattoo is also expected to be able to fly.  When one of the islanders, jealous because Tattoo has stolen his girlfriend, accuses Tattoo of being a fraud, Tattoo is told to prove his powers by taking flight.  Instead, with the help of a native girl, Tattoo gets in a canoe and flees back to the main island.

Mr. Roarke acts as if he’s happy to have his assistant back but let’s be honest here.  Mr. Roarke has shown, on numerous occasions, that he cannot be fooled or tricked by anyone.  Are we to believe that Mr. Roarke didn’t realize that the letter from Dr. Oottaat was actually from Tattoo?  After three seasons of listening to their passive-aggressive banter, it should be obvious to anyone that Roarke and Tattoo actually hate each other.  Personally, I think Mr. Roarke was hoping Tattoo wouldn’t be able to escape.

As for the second fantasy, it features Pamela Franklin and Lisa Hartman as two women who want to become Southern belles by returning to what they consider to be the most romantic time and place in US. History, Civil War-era Georgia….

Uhmm…. yeah.  This is definitely a fantasy that would not be allowed today.  But, back in 1979, Roarke sends the women back to Civil War era Altanta so that they can both pursue a romance with the two Confederates of their dreams.  Lisa Hartman falls hard for Dack Rambo, who is made up to look like Clark Gable.  Pamela Franklin falls just as hard for Christopher Connelly, who is made up to look like Leslie Howard.  Unfortunately, their night at the plantation is ruined by the arrival of an evil Union captain, played by Luke Askew.

Sadly, the fantasy ends before the belles get a chance to marry their men.  But no worries!  It turns out that the two men were also on the Island to live out their fantasies of fighting for the Confederacy during the Civil War.  So, everything works out….

This was a weird episode and, as I mentioned earlier, it’s definitely one that would not be made today.  I can only imagine how Twitter, if it had existed back then, would have reacted to the Civil War fantasy and the frequent appearances of Dixie on the soundtrack.  To be honest, though, the the two belles were less in love with the Confederacy and more just obsessed with Clark Gable and Leslie Howard.  Tattoo’s fantasy was actually the cringier of the two, with Tattoo pretending to be a God just to get laid and its suggestion that the Islanders will basically just worship anyone that they can convince to come to their village.

(Why don’t they worship Mr. Roarke then?  I mean, he has literal magic powers!)

As I said, this episode was just very weird.  1979, you know?

The TSL Grindhouse: The Exterminator (dir by James Glickenhaus)


First released in 1980, The Exterminator begins during the Vietnam War.

Two soldiers, John Eastland (Robert Ginty) and Michael Jefferson (future Cannon Film mainstay Steve James) have been captured by the Viet Cong and can only watch as a third soldier is beheaded by his captors.  (The graphic beheading, in which the camera lingers on the head slowly sliding off the neck, is an early warning of what this film has in store for its audience.)  Jefferson manages to free himself from his bonds and kills most of the enemy soldiers.  After Jefferson frees him, Eastland fires a bullet into the still twitching body of the VC commander.

The film jumps forward to 1980.  Living in New York City, Jefferson and Eastland are still best friends and co-workers at a warehouse.  For a second time, Jefferson saves Eastland’s life when the latter is attacked by a gang calling themselves the Ghetto Ghouls.  When the Ghouls get their revenge by tracking down Jefferson and piecing his spine with a meat hook, Eastland gets his revenge by killing …. well, just about everyone that he meets.

Though The Exterminator was obviously inspired by Death Wish, a big difference between the two films is that Eastland doesn’t waste any time before starting his anti-crime crusade.  In the original Death Wish, Paul Kersey (played by Charles Bronson) starts out as a self-described “bleeding heart” liberal who was a conscientious objector during the Korean War.  Even after his wife and daughter are attacked (and his wife killed) by Jeff Goldblum, Kersey doesn’t immediately pick up a gun and start shooting muggers.  Indeed, it’s not until the film is nearly halfway over that Kersey begins his mission and, in one of the film’s more memorable moments, he reacts to his first act of violence by throwing up afterwards.  While one could hardly call Death Wish an especially nuanced film, it does at least try to suggest that Kersey’s transformation into a vigiliante was a gradual process.

The Exterminator, on the other hand, goes straight from Eastland informing Jefferson’s wife about the attack to Eastland threatening a tied-up Ghetto Ghoul with a flame thrower.  When did Eastland kidnap the Ghetto Ghoul?  Why does Eastland have a flame thrower?  Where exactly has Eastland tied up the Ghetto Ghoul?  None of this is explained and the film’s abruptness gives it an almost dream-like feel.  The film plays out like the fantasy of everyone who has ever been mugged or otherwise harassed.  Magically, Eastland suddenly has the skills and the resources to outsmart not just the criminals but also the police who have been assigned to stop him.  Even the CIA is assigned to take down Eastland because his anti-crime crusade is inspiring people to wonder why the President hasn’t been able to reduce crime.  The film plays out like the type of daydreams that Travis Bickle had when he wasn’t driving his taxi.

Eastland is ruthless in his kills but fortunately, everyone he kills is really, really bad.  The Ghetto Ghouls clubhouse is decorated with a poster of Che Guevara but Che’s revolutionary rhetoric isn’t worth much when the Exterminator’s after you.  A mob boss makes the mistake of not telling Eastland about the Doberman that’s guarding his mansion so into the meat grinder he goes.  New Jersey loses a state senator when Eastland discovers him torturing an underage male prostitute.  The film was shot on location in New York City and the camera lingers over every grimy corner of the city.  A scene where Eastland walks through Times Square takes on a cinéma-vérité feel as people jump out at him and try to entice him to take part in everything the city has to offer.  If Death Wish suggested that Paul Kersey’s actions were saving New York, The Exterminator suggests that we should just let John Eastland burn the whole place down.

With his youthful face, Robert Ginty looks more like a mild-mannered seminarian than a hardened veteran of both Vietnam and the mean streets of New York but, ultimately, that works to the film’s advantage.  If anything, it explains why everyone who meets him trends to underestimate what he’s capable of doing.  B-movie vet Christopher George overacts in his usual amusing way as he plays the detective who has been assigned to catch The Exterminator.  Samantha Eggar plays a doctor who starts dating George for no discernible reason.  The scenes featuring George and Eggar often seems as if they belong in a different film but they do provide some relief from the rather grim and gruesome scenes of The Exterminator killing almost everyone who he meets.

The Exterminator was controversial when it was originally released and it still retains the power to shock.  It’s easy to laugh at some of the film’s more melodramatic moments but there were still more than a few scenes that I watched with my hands over my eyes.  The film’s hard edge grabs your attention from the start and the idea of the CIA sending assassins to take out a neighborhood vigilante is so over the top and ridiculous that it’s kind of hard not to appreciate it.  That the film totally buys into its paranoid worldview (“Washington will be pleased.”) makes the whole thing far more compelling than it should be.

As ludicrous as it all is, The Exterminator is a film that defies you to look away.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 5.5 “Too Good To Be True” and 5.6 “Shall We Dance?”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

I’ll always remember, me and my friends at Hang Time….

Episode 5.5 “Too Good To Be True”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 16th, 1999)

Michael’s father is out of town and — oh no! — Michael has damaged the family car.  Michael has to raise the money to fix the car before his father comes home so Michael gets a job delivering pizzas.  Since this is a Peter Engel-produced show, this means that Michael has to dress up and talk like a pirate.

Fortunately, Michael meets a real estate agent who happens to be a fan of Deering basketball.  The agent gives Michael a job and even loans him the money to pay for the car repairs!  Yay!

Unfortunately, Michael is dating Julie again and, as usual, Julie just can’t let anyone else be happy.  She decides that the real estate agent is trying to recruit Michael to play basketball at Indiana Tech.  Apparently, it’s against the rules for recruiters to offer gifts to students.  Julie tells Michael that he has to quit his job and then she gets the rest of the team to tell Michael the same thing.  Michael’s first instinct is to tell everyone to mind their own business.  And really, Michael has a point here.  It’s his life and seriously, I’m sure everyone bends the rules.  If he’s a good enough player and if he goes to a school with enough rich benefactors, no one will ever care.  But, eventually, Michael quits his new job and refuses to take the money.  By the end of the episode, he is once again dressed as a pirate and delivering pizzas.

“I’m proud of you,” Julie says, “you followed the rules.”

(Rules are for suckers.)

Meanwhile, Coach K is totally excited because he’s bought a new telescope so he can watch a comet fly by the Earth.  Yay!  I’ve been critical of Coach K in the past but he’s actually pretty likable in this episode and Dick Butkus does a good job of playing up his almost childlike excitement over seeing the comet.  Of course, Julie pops up to say that the comet is no big deal because Julie has to ruin everything.

Let’s move on.

Episode 5.6 “Shall We Dance?”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 23rd, 1999)

At the start of this episode, the audience goes crazy as Michael asks Julie out on a date.

“You two are so getting back together!” Mary Beth tells Julie.

Uhmmm …. last episode, they were back together and Julie was going out of her way to ruin Michael’s future.  Once again, we have another example of NBC deciding to show these episodes out of order and allowing continuity to be damned.

Anyway, Michael and Julie start dating again.  However, Julie also discovers that she and Antonio love to swing dance!  (Over the past five seasons, there’s been absolutely nothing about Julie that suggested she would be into swing dancing but whatever….)  Julie and Antonio decide to enter a swing dancing contest and soon, they’re spending all of their time together.  Always a force of chaos, Mary Beth subtly suggests to Michael and Kristy that their respective significant others may be falling for each other.  Even a bizarre cameo from Dr. Drew Pinsky (who apparently lives in Deering and shops at the local mall) can’t keep Michael and Kristy from getting jealous.

This was actually a fun episode, just because of all of the dancing.  Jay Hernandez and Daniella Deutscher did get married after co-starring on Hang Time so Mary Beth wasn’t totally wrong about there being chemistry between Julie and Antonio.  If I really wanted to be critical, I would point out that this is yet another episode where Julie is actually pretty self-centered (she abandons Michael in the middle of a date so that she can go practice a new dance move with Antonio) but …. eh.  There was too much dancing for me to be overly critical.

There was also a pretty stupid B-plot, where Silk and Eugene tried to film Coach K. losing his temper so that they could send it into America’s Funniest Home Videos.  Didn’t the same thing happen on California Dreams and City Guys?  It might have happened on One World, too.  All of these shows blend together after a while.  Still, despite the dumb B-plot, I enjoyed this episode.

Retro Television Reviews: A Tattered Web (dir by Paul Wendkos)


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1971’s A Tattered Web!  It  can be viewed on YouTube!

Sgt. Ed Stagg (Lloyd Bridges) is a good cop and an overprotective father.  Ever since his wife left him, Ed has been determined to make sure that his daughter, Tina (Sallie Shockley), has a good life.  So, as you can probably guess, Ed is not amused when he finds out that Tina’s husband, Steve (Frank Converse), has been cheating on her with Louise Campbell (Anne Helm).  Ed has never liked Steve and would love it if his daughter left him.  But, Ed still doesn’t want want Tina to have to go through the pain of knowing that her husband is seeing another woman.

Ed decides to drop by Louise’s apartment and talk to her himself.  Louise, however, is not willing to let some old stranger tell her how to live her life.  After all, she’s heard from Steve about what a terrible and judgmental father-in-law Ed is.  Ed gets frustrated and shoves Louise.  Louise stumbles back, hits her head, and …. uh-oh.  Louise is dead!  To be honest, it didn’t really look like she hit her head that hard.  In fact, I had to rewatch the scene to see if she actually hit her head at all.  But no matter.  Louise is dead and Ed’s responsible.

The next morning, when Ed and his partner, Joe (Murray Hamilton), are called in to investigate Louise’s homicide, Ed is approached by Louise’s neighbor (John Fiedler), who gives him a description of a  young man who he says he frequently saw going up to Louise’s apartment.  The description perfectly describes Steve.  The police sketch artist draws a picture that looks like just like Steve.  Joe thinks that Steve is responsible.  Not wanting his daughter to think that her husband’s a murderer, Ed decides to frame Willard Edson (Broderick Crawford), an alcoholic who frequently comes into the station and confesses to crimes so that he can have a place to sleep for the night.

Yes, it’s a tattered web indeed.  Ed is able to talk Edson into confessing to the crime but then Steve does his own detective work and realizes that Edson couldn’t be the murderer.  Ed tells Steve that he should just let the police arrest Edson because, otherwise, they’re going to come after Steve.  Steve, however, says that he would rather be arrested and be given a chance to prove his innocence than just stand by idly while an innocent man goes to jail.  Being a veteran cop, Ed wasn’t expecting everyone to be so damn honest!

A Tattered Web isn’t bad for a 70-minute made-for-TV movie.  The film’s main strength is the cast, with Lloyd Bridges, Murray Hamilton, and especially Broderick Crawford giving strong performances.  The scene where Ed talks Edson into confession is especially well-done, with Crawford giving a performance of growing desperation while Bridges himself appears to be on the verge of tears as Ed realizes what his life has become.  Like his sons Jeff and Beau, Lloyd Bridges is such a likable actor that it’s hard not to care about what happens to the characters that he’s playing, even when he’s playing a murderer.  A Tattered Web is an effective thriller that reminds viewers that guilt cannot be escaped.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 6/18/23 — 6/24/23


Andor (Disney Plus)

I finished up Andor this week and I was surprised by not only how intelligent the show was but also how much I enjoyed it.  Usually, Star Wars stuff tends to bore me to tears but Andor was full of interesting characters, exciting action, and even a few memorable exchanges of dialogue.  The show took itself seriously without ever becoming dull.  Diego Luna gave a strong performance in the title role and really, the entire cast impressed.  On a personal note, one reason why I enjoyed it is because it didn’t get bogged down in all of the usual Star Wars mythology.  As such, even an outsider like me could follow what was going on.

Beavis and Butt-Head (Thursday, Paramount Plus)

“Those boys sure do die a lot,” I thought as I watched last week’s episode of Beavis and Butt-Head on Thursday.  The first segment on that episode, which featured Beavis and Butt-Head becoming hoarders, ended with their skeletons being discovered on their couch and then dumped into a dumpster without anyone bothering to even ask who they had been in life.  The second segment ended with Beavis finding inner peace via acupuncture.  Beavis enjoyed having the needles in his face so much that he ended up sticking a bunch of thumb tacks and sewing needles everywhere else on his body.  The episode ended with Beavis apparently castrating himself.  Fortunately, that happened offscreen.

This week’s episode featured even more hardship for Beavis.  Jealous because Butt-Head got to wear a stupid costume at work, Beavis made his own stupid uniform and eventually got beaten up.  (It’s too complicated to explain in a capsule review but it was all Butt-Head’s fault.)  This was followed by one of Tom Anderson’s stories about the Korean War and a segment in which Old Beavis and Butt-Head got a job working at a warehouse that was owned by a company that was totally not Amazon.  Needless to say, the warehouse burned down by the end of the day.

Bubblegum Crisis (NightFlight+)

As usual, I can’t truthfully that I was able to follow the plot of the episode of Bubblegum Crisis that I watched on Saturday morning.  But the explosions were plentiful and the animation was stylish.  Sometimes, you don’t have to know what’s going on.

City Guys (YouTube)

I wrote about City Guys here!

Dancing With The Stars (Disney Plus)

I’m not sure why I missed the 31st season of Dancing With The Stars when it originally aired but, with the Emmys approaching, I finally watched it this week.  It was pretty good, though I think Gabby and Val should have won.

Fantasy Island (Tubi)

I wrote about Fantasy Island here!

Forgive or Forget (YouTube)

I watched an episode on Sunday night.  It was from the Robin Givens years.  Parents demanded that their out-of-control teens sign a contract promising to no longer be out-of-control.  One teen signed and the others dramatically ripped the contracts into little pieces.  Robin yelled at all of them.  I doubt it made much difference in the long run but it probably made the parents feel better (or worse as the case may be.)

I Think You Should Leave With Tim Robinson (Netflix)

I binged the latest season on Wednesday night.  “This guy is trying to start a pay it forward chain!” made me laugh so hard that I nearly fell off my couch.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about this week’s episode of The Love Boat here!

Making the Cut (Prime)

The Master (Tubi)

I wrote about this week’s episode of The Master here!

Night Flight (NightFlight+)

On Friday night, I watched an episode of this 1984 episode of this show.  It was all about music videos based on movies.  Among the videos that they showed was the one for Relax from Frankie Goes To Hollywood.  From what I’ve seen, it appears that the people behind Night Flight were always looking for an excuse to show that video.

U.S. Open Golf (Sunday, NBC)

Congratulations to Wyndham Clark!  As always, I thought the course looked lovely.

So You Think You Can Dance (Fox/Tubi)

At the same time that I was binging the latest season of Dancing With The Stars, I was also watching what might be the last season of So You Think You Can Dance.  As always, I enjoyed the dancing but everything was pretty much overshadowed by the whole Matthew Morrison thing.  Personally, I always found Matthew Morrison’s performance to be the most annoying thing about Glee so I wasn’t particularly sad to see him step down as a judge on this show.

Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about this week’s episodes here!