Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.17 “Playgirl/Smith’s Valhalla”

Posted on October 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, Leslie Nielsen returns to Fantasy Island!

Episode 3.17 “Playgirl/Smith’s Valhalla”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on January 26th, 1980)

This week, Tattoo is super excited because one of the guests is Erica Clark (Barbie Benton), a famous centerfold for Rooster Magazine! Erica, however, no longer models. As she explains to Mr. Roarke, she grew tired of men treating her as just being a sex object. Indeed, her fantasy is to be able to treat men the same way! (Today, of course, Erica could save however much money she spent for the fantasy by simply watching clips of Magic Mike on YouTube.)

In perhaps the simplest fantasy that Mr. Roarke has ever put together, he sends Erica to the Island’s famed Jackrabbit Club, where men dance while women watch. Again, to be clear, all Mr. Roarke had to do was send her to the island’s version of Chippendales. I mean, Erica could have just done that on her own. Anyway, Erica witnesses one of the dancers, Walter Wilde (Fabian Forte), getting fired for refusing to go along with being sexually harassed by one of the women in the audience. Relating to Walter, his desire to go to medical school, and his life as a single father to Dinah (Heather McAdam), Erica agrees to come out of retirement and pose (in a bikini with a big rooster tail hooked on the back) for the club’s owner, Big Earl Sanderson (Denny Miller). However, when Big Earl demands that Erica do more than just pose, Walter is there to punch him out.

Anyway, it turns out that Dinah’s fantasy was for Walter to fall in love and Roarke combined her fantasy with Erica’s, presumably to save some money. So, Erica, Walter, and Dinah leave the island together and I guess Erica learns that …. well, I’m not sure anyone learned anything. This was a pretty weak fantasy that claimed to be about treating men as sex objects but spent the majority of time looking for excuses to put Barbi Benton in a bikini. Seriously, Jackrabbit was the tamest male strip club I’ve ever seen.

Meanwhile, the Island finds itself in what should be an international incident after a group of dirty commies hijack a plane and make it land at an abandoned Fantasy Island airport. The communists say that they are doing this because they have to get people to pay attention to their cause but it’s hard not to notice that there’s next to no media coverage of the events, there are no soldiers or police surrounding the airport, and Mr. Roarke merely shrugs it off.

The only person who does care is Jason Smith (Hugh O’Brian), whose fantasy is to lead a combat mission. The fantasy becomes personal for Jason when he discovers that his wife (Emily Banks) is one of the hostages! Mr. Roarke arranges to Jason to work with three combat experts.

Buck Tanner (Sean Garrison) is an explosives expert who suffers from war flashbacks.

“Weasel” Forbes (Charlies Dierkop) is a wild sniper.

And French soldier of fortune Emile Bouvier is …. LESLIE NIELSEN!

Yes, this episode of Fantasy Island features Leslie Nielsen is one of the last of his “serious” roles, playing a French mercenary by wearing a red beret and not even attempting an accent. Bouver is tough and no-nonsense, as we learn when he catches Buck drinking on the job.

Anyway, Jason is able to rescue his wife and the other hostages and the communists are all arrested and hopefully sacrificed to the Fantasy Island mermaid. Bouvier sacrifices his life to save Jason’s but Mr. Roark explains that it was no big deal because Bouvier was dying anyways and his fantasy was to end his life doing something heroic. Once again, it appears that Mr. Roarke saved some money by combining fantasies. Was Fantasy Island feeling the effects of the Carter recession? Perhaps.

Other than Leslie Nielsen playing a serious role, probably the most interesting thing about this episode is that Mr. Roarke and Tattoo barely spoke to each other over the course of it. There was none of the usual comedic banter or anything like that. Indeed, even in the scenes greeting and saying goodbye to their guests, Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize refused to every look at each other. Obviously, it wasn’t all happy days on Fantasy Island.

Horror Book Review: Haunted by R.L. Stine

Posted on October 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

First published in 1990, Haunted tells the story of Melissa, a teenager who would seem to have the perfect life.

No only does she come from a wealthy family and live in a nice, big house that is located right in the middle of Fear Street but Melissa is also a popular student at Shadyside High and she has a boyfriend named Buddy. Plus, she’s just celebrated her birthday and, as a present, she got a brand new car! The only thing that Melissa really has to worry about is the possibility of her house being broken into by the elusive Fear Street Prowler and the fact that a bitter ghost named Paul keeps materializing in front of her and claiming that she killed him and he’s come back from the dead to get revenge. Paul is not only a revenge-seeking ghost but he also taunts Melissa for being rich. Perhaps the only thing worse than being haunted is by being haunted by a ghost from the lower classes. I mean, seriously, I don’t even want to think about it….

(Usual disclaimer: I do NOT believe in ghosts.)

Melissa is not only annoyed by Paul’s bad manners but also by the fact that he claims that she killed him when she has absolutely no memory of who he is. In fact, when she does some simple research to see if anyone recently killed Paul, she discovers that no one named Paul has been murdered recently. Paul himself admits that his memory is a little bit fuzzy, as well. Accusing someone of murdering you when you’re really not sure isn’t a cool thing to do, Paul. Stupid ghost.

Then, one night, Melissa sees Paul hanging out with his other less-than-wealthy friends. Only, this Paul is alive and he’s even more of a jerk than his ghost! Melissa realizes that Paul’s ghost is from the future and that therefore, Paul has not died yet but will and apparently, she’s going to be the one responsible! But how can that be when Ghost Paul is turning out to be not that bad and actually kind of sweet?

(Myself, I’m more concerned with how Living Paul and Ghost Paul both existing at the same time seems like one of those things that would cause the universe to split open or something. I mean, it just doesn’t seem right.)

This is one of R.L. Stine’s stranger books. The plot doesn’t really make much sense but you have to kind of admire the fact that Stine just went with it and didn’t even bother to try to make any of it seem plausible. Sometimes, it’s best just to embrace the silliness of it all and that’s what Stine does here. The book’s attempts to deal with class differences were fairly shallow but then again, when you’re a teenager, you’re always at you’re most shallow when talking about who is rich and who is poor so, on that level, Stine did a good job writing for his target audience. The important thing is that Melissa was a relatable and sympathetic character and she definitely deserved a less petulant ghost.

October True Crime: Overkill: The Aileen Wuornos Story (dir by Peter Levin)

Posted on October 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Made for television in 1992, Overkill: The Aileen Wuronos Story opens with Aileen (Jean Smart) and her friend, Tyria Moore (Park Overall), hitchhiking their way through Florida. Aileen is outspoken and unpredictable, quick to lose her temper with anyone who doesn’t give her a ride or money and also very possessive of Tyria. Tyria is naïve and a bit spacey, though she is smart enough to have figured out that Aileen is financing their trip through sex work.

Of course, if you’ve seen Monster, you already know the story of Aileen and Tyria and you also know that Aileen is eventually going to end up in a lot of trouble and Tyria is going to be pressured to betray her. Monster made it clear that Aileen and Tyria were a romantic couple and it even suggests that, for all of her crimes, Aileen sincerely loved Tyria. Overkill, probably due to being a made-for-television movie from the 90s, treats Aileen and Tyria’s relationship a bit more ambiguously. While Aileen is portrayed as being very possessive and very protective of Tyria, their relationship is portrayed as being more of a roommate situation than a romantic one. Indeed, Aileen is often portrayed as being almost stalkerish in her behavior towards Tyria. Aileen comes across as being much more interested in Tyria than Tyria is in Aileen.

While Aileen and Tyria travel across Florida, men are turning up dead up and down the interstates. The victims were all shot and they were all middle-class, white professionals. Most of them are found in circumstances that suggested that they had picked someone up and that person subsequently shot and then robbed them. When Detective Brian Munster (Brion James) suggests that all of the men could have fallen victim to a female serial killer, his colleagues are skeptical. Everyone knows that serial killers are always men. But Munster continues to insist that the murderer must be a woman and soon, he comes to suspect that the killer could be Aileen. However, all of the evidence that Brian has is circumstantial and it won’t be enough to get a conviction. He and the member of his investigative team start to watch Aileen, waiting for her to make a mistake that will give them what they need to make an arrest….

After she was convicted of murdering seven men, Aileen Wournos claimed that the police always knew that she was the one committing the murders but that they didn’t arrest her because they wanted to reap the publicity from pursuing America’s first female serial killer. As evidence, she cited this movie and it must be admitted that this movie does feature a lot of scenes of Munster and his detectives waiting for Aileen to make her next move. That said, one would think that Overkill would be the last movie that Aileen would want to bring attention to because the film essentially presents Aileen Wournos as being a petulant and trashy psychopath who turned to crime because she was too stupid to do anything else with her life. If Monster portrayed Aileen as being someone who had been so damaged by society that she could no longer function, Overkill portrays Aileen as being someone who uses her childhood trauma as a convenient excuse for her own antisocial tendencies.

Overkill is a considerably more simplistic portrayal of Aileen’s crimes than Monster. That said, Jean Smart does a good job in the role and is convincingly angry at the world. Overkill is more about the effort to catch Aileen than Aileen herself and character actor Brion James, who usually played villains over the course of his career (like Leon in Blade Runner and the killer in The Horror Show), makes for a convincingly no-nonsense cop. Overkill is a well-made and well-acted film, even if it does ultimately feel a bit shallow in its storytelling.

Horror Film Review: Lake of Dracula (dir by Michio Yamamoto)

Posted on October 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

All of her life, Akiko (Midori Fujita) has been haunted by a dream in which, as a little girl, she followed her dog into an abandoned house and ran into a pale man (Mori Kishida) who had golden eyes and fangs for teeth. Even living a somewhat idyllic life on the shores of a lovely lake and dating a handsome young doctor (Osahide Takahashi), Akiko cannot shake the feeling that what she has been telling herself was a dream may have actually happened to her.

One day, a large crate is sent to a nearby boat operator. When the man opens the crate, he discovers that it contains a coffin. Can you guess what’s in that coffin? Soon strange things are happening all around town. Bodies start to show up at the hospital with bite marks on their necks. Akiko’s dog disappears and the formerly friendly boat operator suddenly starts to act in an aggressive manner. Even worse, Akiko’s sister, Natsuko (Sanae Emi), vanishes. Akiko comes to believe that it is somehow all linked to her dream, which might not have been a dream at all. She and her boyfriend head back to her hometown, searching for the house from her dreams so that they may finally find out the truth about the pale man with the golden eyes and fangs and…. well, I don’t know why exactly they think they have to find out the truth. It’s pretty obvious that he’s a vampire, right? I mean, the fangs were kind of a dead giveaway.

When I came across the 1971 film, Lake of Dracula, on Tubi, my initial response was to say, “Oh, cool! A Japanese Dracula film! I wonder what that’s going to be like!” Having watched the film, I can say that, along with being a Japanese Dracula film, Lake of Dracula is also an extremely conventional vampire film. This is one of those films where it’s so obvious from the start that the villain is a vampire that you can’t help but get a bit annoyed at the other characters for not figuring it out as quickly as you did. While I’m not really sure if the vampire in the film is meant to be the Dracula (and, despite the title, I’m actually pretty sure that he’s not), the character is obviously a vampire and, beyond the golden eyes, this film doesn’t really bring anything new to the vampire mythos. If you’re hoping that this film will feature the hopping vampires that made films like Kung Fu Zombie so memorable, you’re destined to be disappointed.

That said, it’s a lovely film to look at, full of vibrant colors and properly ominous shadows and the golden eyes are definitely a memorable effect. The film is full of nicely creepy locations, with the house from Akiko’s dream being exactly the type of place that would inspire a lifetime full of nightmares. It’s a conventional film but it’s full of genuine melancholy and a good deal of ominous atmosphere, all of which keeps the film watchable even if it never quite takes the viewer by surprise.

Horror Film Review: Waxwork (dir by Anthony Hickox)

Posted on October 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

First released in 1988, Waxwork asks the audience with a very important question.

Let’s say that you and your best friend were walking to school one day when you suddenly noticed a gigantic mansion that you had never seen before, sitting in the middle of your neighborhood. And what if a tall, somewhat sinister Englishman (played by David Warner, none the less) suddenly appeared out of nowhere and told you that the mansion was actually a waxwork. And what if that Englishman than invited you to come to the waxwork at midnight and specifically asked you to come in a group of 6. Would you do it?

Now, I know that your first instinct is to say, “Of course, I wouldn’t!” That’s the type of answer that we’ve been conditioned to give because no one wants to admit that they can be as dumb as a character in a horror movie. But really, I would go. Especially if, like the characters in Waxwork, I was a teenager. (Actually, most of the characters in Waxwork are described as being college students but they all act like high school students and their college appears to be a high school so draw your own conclusions.) When you’re a certain age, you feel like you’re immortal and an invitation to hang out in a creepy building with a bunch of strangers at midnight feels totally reasonable.

Anyway, four rich kids — Mark (Zach Galligan), China (Michelle Johnson), Sarah (Deborah Foreman), and Tony (Dana Ashbrook, a year before he was cast as Laura Palmer’s boyfriend in Twin Peaks) — visit the waxwork at midnight. What they discover is that the building is full of macabre exhibits that recreate various moments from horror history. There’s werewolves, vampires, and Jack the Ripper. There’s also the Marquis de Sade, a figure that the seemingly innocent Sarah becomes fascinated with. And, as two of the visitors discover, stepping past the red rope and entering an exhibit transports them into an alternate world where they become the victim of the star of each display.

Not surprisingly, the film is at its best when imagining the world inside each exhibit. Each exhibit has its own backstory and its own set of guest stars. John Rhys-Davies shows up as a werewolf. Miles O’Keeffe is a properly urbane Count Dracula. J. Kenneth Campbell plays the Marquis de Sade, who the film imagines as a swashbuckling sadist. That said, I think the most effectively frightening exhibit was one that featured no special guest stars but a very determined and very strong mummy.

What’s going on at the waxwork!? As explained by Sir Wilfred (Patrick Macnee, bringing some welcome wit and style to the film), it’s all a part of a scheme to bring the most evil beings ever back into existence so that they can conquer the world. It’s important that none of the waxworks be allowed to enter the real world and soon, Sir Wilfred and his ragtag army are laying siege to the waxwork and bringing things to an apocalyptic conclusion. The final battle is a bit haphazardly edited and it’s impossible to really keep track of who is fighting on which side. (Indeed, I’m still not sure where Sir Wilfred even found his army.) But it does feature plenty of in-jokes for horror fans, including a cameo appearance by the carnivorous plant from Little Shop of Horrors.

Waxwork is entertaining film. It doesn’t take itself particularly seriously and, indeed, Mark, China, Sarah, Tony, and all of their friends feel as if they could just as easily have been found in the pages of a Bret Easton Ellis novel about pretty but vapid alcoholics. Mark is the type who gets his maid to write his term papers. Tony just wants to drink (but, because he’s played by the adorable Dana Ashbrook, he’s still the most likable character in the film). China says, “I do what I want, when I want,” when confronted about cheating on her boyfriend. Sarah is the “innocent” one but just seeing the words “Marquis de Sade” causes her to swoon. Dropping these four idiots into a situation where the fate of the world is at stake feels like a wonderfully sardonic cosmic joke.

In the end, the true pleasure of Waxwork is watching old pros like David Warner, Patrick Macnee, and the exhibit guest stars hamming it up. Macnee, in particular, seems to enjoy leading the final charge against the forces of evil and, indeed, it’s hard not to wish that he had even more screen time than he did. David Warner, meanwhile, rolls his eyes at just how difficult it can be to bring the 18 most evil figure in history back to life. It’s hard work but I guess someone has to do it!

Horror Film Review: The Invisible Man Returns (dir by Joe May)

Posted on October 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

1940’s The Invisible Man Returns opens with Sir Geoffrey Radcliffe (Vincent Price) sitting on Death Row. Convicted of the murder of his brother, Radcliffe is due to soon be executed. Radcliffe claims that he was framed and his girlfriend, Helen Manson (Nan Grey), has spent the past week of her life begging for someone to order a stay on the execution. However, with the home secretary out of the country, there is no hope of a reprieve.

Dr. Frank Griffin (John Sutton), brother of the original Invisible Man, visits Radcliffe in prison and gives him the same serum that his brother previously developed. Now invisible, Radcliffe is able to escape from the prison. Radcliffe is determined to prove his innocence but Dr. Griffin is more concerned with developing a way to reverse the serum’s effects before Radcliffe is driven insane, just as the original Invisible Man was. Radcliffe becomes convinced that his brother was murdered by their cousin, Ricard Cobb (Sir Cedric Hardwicke) but is Radcliffe correct or is the serum just making him paranoid? With Inspector Sampson (Cecil Kellaway) searching for Radcliffe and fully aware of what effects the serum are going to have on his mind, can Radcliffe clear his name before he loses his sanity?

The Invisible Man Returns went into production after the success of Son of Frankenstein proved that there was a market for sequels to previously successful horror films. (Yes, there was a time when sequels were not an automatic thing.) This was also one of the first horror films in which Vincent Price made an appearance. (Today, we’re so used to the image of Vincent Price as a somewhat campy horror icon that it’s easy to forget that he originally started his career as a romantic leading man and was even seriously considered for the role of Ashley Wilkes in Gone With The Wind.) As he spends the majority of the film wearing the same tight bandages that hid Claude Rain in the first film, Price’s actual face is only visible for slightly less than a minute and, without his famous mustache, it’s actually rather difficult to recognize him. That said, there’s no mistaking Price’s voice, heard as the invisible Radcliffe bitterly complains about everything from a barking dog to other people’s doubts about Cobb being the murderer. While this film does find Price in a slightly more subtle mood than many of us horror fans are used to, it still features plenty of hints of what the future would hold.

I enjoyed The Invisible Man Returns, which featured some witty invisibility sequences (watch invisible Vincent Price toss off those clothes!) and also managed to take the story’s violence about as far as it could without violating the production code. While it’s always a pleasure to watch any film featuring Vincent Price, I also liked the performance of Cecil Kellaway, who played the inspector as being the epitome of the the upstanding but dryly humorous British policeman. One gets the feeling that absolutely nothing could ever take the Inspector by surprise …. not even an Invisible Man!

Previous Universal Horror Reviews:

Horror on the Lens: The Unknown (dir by Tod Browning)

Posted on October 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

First released in 1927, The Unknown tells the story of circus performer Alonzo the Armless (Lon Chaney, Sr.). As you might guess from his name, everyone thinks that Alonzo is armless. Of course, he’s not. He’s just a contortionist who pretends to have no arms. People thinking that he has no arms gives him the perfect alibi whenever he has to strangle someone.

However, Alonzo has fallen in love with Nanon (Joan Crawford), his beautiful circus assistant. Unfortunately, Malabar the Mighty (Norman Kerry) is also in love with her and there’s no way that Alonzo could allow her to get too close because then she might discover that he not only has arms but that his hand has an unusual deformity that would identify Alonzo as the man who strangled Nanon’s father.

Alonzo’s solution? Maybe he could just get someone to amputate his arms for real! But will that be enough for him to win Nanon away from Malbar? Or will he pursue an even more macabre plan to get Malabar out of the picture?

The Unknown was, for years, considered to be a lost film. In 1968, a 49-minute print of the film was found in France. That’s the version that I’m sharing here. Reportedly, several early scenes were missing but those scenes were not important to the overall story. Even in truncucated form, The Unknown is a wonderfully surreal and atmospheric film and it’s widely considered to be the best of Tod Browning and Lon Chaney’s collaborations. Since this film was made in the age before CGI, whenever Alonzo hides his arms, Chaney was having to do the same thing. This is one of Chaney’s best performances. Alonzo is both frightening and rather sad in his way. Having won the role over Greta Garbo, Joan Crawford was 18 when she played Nanon.

Enjoy!

October Positivity: Heaven’s Heroes (dir by Donald W. Thompson)

Posted on October 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 1980 film, Heaven’s Heroes, is a cop film that takes place in Des Moines, Iowa!

Now, it’s tempting to make a joke about a film taking place on the “mean streets of Des Moines” and I know that I did when the film started and I saw that it was another Russell S. Doughten production. In the late 70s and early 80s, Doughten directed several low-budget faith-based films, most of them shot on location in Iowa. (I previously reviewed Doughten’s Nite Song, among others.) Though Doughten is only credited as executive producer on Heaven’s Heroes, it features all the hallmarks of Doughten’s other films. The budget is low, some of the actors are a bit amateurish, and the ultimate message is undeniably heartfelt. What Doughten’s film may have lacked in technical polish, they made up for sincerity.

To its credit, Heaven’s Heroes doesn’t try to present Des Moines as being any more edgy that it actually is. But the film makes the point that a cop’s life can be dangerous, even in a relatively quiet town like Des Moines. In fact, the film opens with police responding to the shooting of Officer David Hill (played by David Ralphe). His wife, Cindy (Heidi Vaughn), is taken to the hospital where she talks to the comatose David until he dies. The doctor explains that if the bullet had entered David’s head just a few inches higher, his life probably could have been saved.

The rest of the film is taken up with flashbacks to David’s life before he was shot. We watch as he and Cindy meet each other in college. A helicopter hovering over a Des Moines mall leads to a flash to David’s service in Vietnam. His partner (James O’Hagen) remembers the training that he went through with David. Through it all, David comes across as the ideal cop, the type who treats everyone fairly and who doesn’t draw his gun unless it’s absolutely necessary. (At one point, David does fire at a man who is holding a shotgun, just to miss. Later, he discovers that the man was only holding the shotgun for self-defense.) David saves the life of a child who has swallowed a button but later finds himself unable to help another child who has been hit by a drunk driver. Some people thank David and some people call him a pig. A lot of the film deals with David and his partner trying to deal with the stress of their job. There’s an interesting scene, early on, in which a lecturer at the Academy explains that a good cop has to be able to deal with the frustrations of the job without taking those frustrations out on the public. He warns about giving into paranoia and assuming that everyone is looking to commit a crime. David struggles with stress but never gives in. Of course, it’s a religious film so David gives all the credit for his success to God and, when he’s later shot, his wife takes solace in the idea that David has gone to Heaven. Your mileage may vary on that but no one can deny the sincerity of the film’s simple message. The film, which was based on a true story, was shot on location in Des Moines and featured a lot of actual Des Moines police officers. The acting is sometimes amateurish but they all bring an authenticity to their roles.

It’s interesting to compare the cops in this 1980 film to the cops of today. None of the cops in Heaven’s Heroes wear body armor. None of them patrol the streets in modified tanks. They don’t shout at suspects or bark orders at bystanders. They’re not bulked-up gym rats with shaved heads. Though both David and his partner did serve in the military, both of them understand that they’re not fighting a war on the streets of Des Moines. Instead, they are there to protect the citizens. They’re the ideal cops and sadly, they’re almost unrecognizable when compared to much of what we see today.

Last Night Retro Television Reviews: Nightmare Cafe 1.1 “Nightmare Cafe”

Posted on October 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Nightmare Cafe, which ran on NBC from January to April of 1992. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Created by Wes Craven and Thomas Baum, Nightmare Café was an anthology show about a mysterious café and the people who worked there. The proprietor was played by Robert Englund. The series only aired for six episodes and apparently, NBC didn’t really give the show much of a chance to find an audience. Myself, I just recently came across it on YouTube and I’m looking forward to reviewing it over the course of October!

Episode 1.1 “Nightmare Café”

(Dir by Phillip Noyce, originally aired on January 29th, 1992)

“See those two folks up there?” Robert Englund, playing a sharply-dressed man named Blackie, asks while staring straight at the camera. “They’re about to get a second chance. And you know what? I bet they blow it.”

The two people to whom Blackie is referring are Frank Nolan (Jack Coleman) and Fay Pernovic (Lindsay Frost). On a foggy night, Fay stops her car on the side of the bridge and jumps into the water below. Fortunately, Jack already happens to be in the water so he grabs her and pulls her to dry land. Standing on the deserted road and soaking wet, Fay refuses to say thank you and Frank refuses to mention why he was there to begin with. However, when they see an all-night café in the distance, they decide to get a cup of coffee. As they head to the café, Blackie watches them from the shadows. As they enter the café, the neon sign changes from saying “Night Café” to “Nightmare Café.”

The café appears to be deserted, though in working order. Jack goes behind the counter finds a chef’s outfit. Fay finds a waitress outfit. When she heads into the restroom to change clothes, she briefly hears the sound of a woman crying but, upon entering, she finds no one. Meanwhile, Jack notices that a TV screen at the front of the café has come to life and …. uh-oh! He’s suddenly watching what appears to be security footage of Fay removing her wet clothes. Jack does the right thing and turns the TV off but seriously, what’s happening with this place!?

In the restroom, Fay marvels at how well the waitress uniform fits, almost as if it was made for her. Suddenly, she hears more crying. She touches the bathroom mirror and she sees herself sobbing and pulling pills out of a medicine cabinet.

Fay steps back into the main part of the café. Frank confesses about watching her change on the television. Fay demands to know what color underwear she was wearing. “White …. with red hearts on back,” is Frank’s reply. (For the record, as I sit here typing this, I am wearing black underwear with red hearts on the back.) Fay accuses him of being a pervert and peeking in on her while she was changing. Frank turns on the TV in an attempt to prove that he’s not a perv but, instead of showing the restroom, the TV shows the chemical plant where, according to Frank, he works as a night watchman. He watches as two men steal a barrel of chemical waste and brag about how they’re going to dump it into the harbor. Frank says that his worst nightmare is seeing something that’s wrong and not doing anything to stop it. Fay pinches Frank in an attempt to wake him up. On the TV screen, Frank Nolan tries to stop the men from driving off with the chemical waste. Frank is fired and then knocked unconscious.

Realizing the Frank has vanished from the café, Fay runs over to a payphone and dials 9-1-1, just to be informed that the number cannot be reached. Fay opens the door to the café and discovers that she and the café are apparently floating in space!

Returning to the television, Fay sees that, at the chemical plant, Frank is still on the ground and his employer tells a bunch of thugs that he wants them to make Frank watch as they dump the waste into the harbor. However, once the thugs drive down to the harbor, Frank jumps out of the trunk of their car and into one of the trucks transporting the chemical waste. The thugs shoot at the truck until it explodes and then decide that it’s time to get a cup of coffee.

Realizing that the thugs might be coming, Fay decides she better pretend to be a real waitress. She grabs a cup of coffee and walks into the back where she discovers Frank rising out of a water-filled sink. “You know what?” Frank says, “I don’t think this is your run-of-the-mill all night café!”

Fay congratulates Frank on doing the right thing and standing up to the thugs. Suddenly, Fay starts to worry about what she saw in the restroom so she and Frank enter and, in the mirror, they see the two thugs approaching the cafe. Frank and Fay run into the kitchen. Frank opens a door marked exit and plunges back into the harbor. Fay closes the door and then opens it again and finds herself staring at a back alley. Deciding to face the thugs, she heads to the front of the café, where the two thugs demand to know where Frank is. She tells them that he’s in the ladies room. They rush into the restroom and suddenly find themselves on a police shooting range with a bunch of cops aiming their guns at them.

“This place has possibilities,” Fay says as the two thugs run from the café.

Suddenly, the TV turns on Fays sees herself in her bedroom, getting dressed for a date. Frank steps back into the café and watches the TV, barely noticing that Fay has vanished from the café. While he’s doing this, Blackie steps into the café and, breaking the fourth wall, says, “This ought to be interesting.”

On the television, Fay gets a call from a guy named Al (John D’Aquino) who explains that he’ll be delayed but he’ll see her later. Frank recognizes Al as being his boss at the chemical plant and then he realizes that Blackie also worked at the chemical plant and was one of the people who always told him not to waste his time reporting the toxic waste dumping. Blackie holds up a deck of cards and says that whoever pulls the low card will pay for their meal. Frank says that the only person that he’s betting on is Fay.

On the TV, Fay drives towards Al’s house. Suddenly, Frank is standing on the side of the road and hitchhiking. Fay gives him a ride and suddenly, the two thugs pop up and start shooting at them. Fay speeds off, with Frank in the car. Fay outmaneuvers the pursuing thugs, who end up crashing their car into the harbor.

Suddenly, Blackie is the only one sitting in the café. He watches Fay and Frank talk in the car. Frank tells Fay all about Al and Fay kicks Frank out of the car, not understanding how he could possibly know her name. Suddenly, Frank is back in the café. He and Blackie watch as Fay knocks on the door of Al’s penthouse. No one answers and Frank cheers as Fay starts to walk away. Suddenly, Blackie appears on the television and unlocks the door so Fay can enter the penthouse.

Fay gives Al a really ugly sweater for his birthday but is then shocked to discover that Al is at the penthouse with another woman (played by Carrie-Anne Moss in an early role), who promptly asks if Fay is the maid. As Fay heads for the penthouse’s bathroom, one of the thugs shows up and announces that he previous saw Fay at the café. Meanwhile, Fay searches the medicine cabinet for pills before heading back to her car

Seeing Fay driving towards the harbor on the television, Frank runs out of the café to save Fay again. But this time, instead of jumping into the harbor, Fay looks at the water and then says that it would be foolish to kill herself over a loser like Al. Suddenly, Al drives up and Fay and Frank have to jump into the water to avoid getting hit. However, once they hit the water, Frank realizes that they’re already dead.

Upon figuring this out, Frank and Fay are transported back to the café where Blackie tells them that they’re dead in the real world but they’re alive in the café and now, they get to make a difference in other people’s lives. Blackie opens the door, to show Frank and Fay that they are once again floating in space and that the Earth in the distance. Blackie tells them that they’ve been selected by “a higher authority” to help the people who enter the café and “maybe learn a little about yourselves along the way.” But they’re both dead so what’s left to learn?

Suddenly, Al enters the café. Blackie tells Al that Frank and Fay are in the restroom. Al steps into the restroom and suddenly has a vision of Fay testifying against him in court. Terrified, Al runs from the café but, upon opening the door, he plunges through space and lands in a vat of chemical waste.

A woman (played by Joan Chen of Twin Peaks fame) opens the front door. “Hi,” she asks, “Are you open?”

Nightmare Café only ran for 6 episodes and anthology shows are notorious for being uneven. All that considered, I really enjoyed the pilot for Nightmare Café, with its twisty plot, frequently surreal visuals, and — last but not least — Robert Englund having what appears to be a lot of fun as the show’s host. The pilot was directed by Philip Noyce, who keeps the action moving a great pace. Even more importantly, from their first scene together, Lindsay Frost and Jack Coleman have a lot chemistry. I’m looking forward to watching the remaining episodes and seeing where all of this goes!

Horror on TV: The Hitchhiker 4.2 “Minuteman” (dir by Chris Thomson)

Posted on October 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, our narrator (played by Page Fletcher) takes a look at Jeremy (John Shea) and Julie (Alexandra Paul).

Jeremy and Julie are a couple who are taking a road trip and whose relationship is strained due to Jeremy’s obsession with organization and control. However, when Jeremy and Julie meet two people that Jeremy can’t control — a biker (Dean Hallo) and his pregnant girlfriend (Nancy Isaak) — Jeremy finds himself taking a trip through time and learning a lesson about letting go.

This episode features good performances from John Shea, Alexandra Paul, Dean Hallo, and Nancy Isaak and it also features the Hitchhiker offering up some memorably judgmental commentary. The Hitchhiker is apparently not a fan of control freaks. I’m not really a fan of control freaks either but there’s nothing wrong with having a to-do list to help guide you through your day.

This episode originally aired on February 24th, 1987.