Retro Television Reviews: The Seduction of Gina (dir by Jerrold Freedman)


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1984’s The Seduction of Gina.  It  can be viewed on Tubi!

Gina (played by Valerie Bertinelli) is bored.

She’s a 20 year-old newlywed who spends her days going to college and her nights sitting in a tiny apartment and waiting for her husband, David (Fredric Lehne), to come home.  David is an intern at a hospital.  He works the nightshift and, as a result, he’s usually exhausted and not particularly communicative.  Unlike her husband, Gina comes from a wealthy family and she’s due to inherit a good deal of money as soon as she turns 21.  However, David stubbornly refuses to use any of Gina’s money to make either of their lives better.  He gets angry when Gina even mentions the possibility.  He’s prepared to spend the next ten years living in a crummy apartment and working terrible hours.  Once he establishes himself as a doctor, he says that he and Gina can start to think about starting a family.  Are you getting the feeling that David has control issues?  Because that’s definitely the feeling that I got from him.

Bored and frustrated, Gina turns to gambling.  Who can blame her?  Not only is it a way to make some money and bring some excitement into her life but it’s also something that she’s really good at!  She starts out just putting bets on horse races.  (The owner of a nearby bodega is also a bookie.)  She uses the money to buy a new television set, which David totally freaks out about.  Soon, Gina is sneaking off to Lake Tahoe.  While David works at the hospital, Gina hits the blackjack table and spins the roulette wheel.  She even attracts the eye of Keith Sindell (Michael Brandon), a handsome lawyer who loans her money and obviously has an interest in her that goes beyond card games.  Every morning, she jumps in her car and rushes back to San Francisco, arriving at her apartment before David gets home and lying to David about what she’s been doing all night.

It starts out well but this wouldn’t be a TV movie if there wasn’t a bit of drama.  Unfortunately, Gina’s luck starts to change and she soon finds herself in debt.  The owner of that bodega is a lot less nice when he’s demanding his money.  And Keith might be willing to cheat on his wife with her but he still expects her to pay back the money that he’s given her.  The world of gambling turns out to be harsh and unforgiving.  Gina is forced to find ways to get the money.  If that means lying to her husband, her father (played by Ed Lauter), and her accountant, so be it.  She might even have to — gasp! — get a job as a cocktail waitress!

It’s obvious from the start that Gina is going to get into trouble, or at least it’s obvious to everyone but Gina.  And really, isn’t that the way life is sometimes?  Usually, the only person who can’t see the walls closing in is the person who is about to get crushed.  The Seduction of Gina is melodramatic and predictable but Valerie Bertinelli is likable in the role of Gina and the scenes in casino are enjoyably gaudy and a little bit sordid.  It’s an entertaining movie, a Lifetime film that came out before Lifetime.  The film’s message is not to gamble but The Seduction of Gina makes winning look like so much fun that it probably inspired more people to hit the casinos than to stay at home and balance the checkbook.  In the classic DeMille fashion, this film offers both sin and a hint of salvation but it understands that sin is more entertaining to watch.

Retro Television Review: California Dreams 2.6 “Surfboards and Cycles” and 2.7 “A Question of Math”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, love is in the air as Jake and Tiffani realize that they could make beautiful music together.  Meanwhile, the pressure of exam season threatens the future of the Dreams!

But first, the opening  credits.  Again, because the post-Jenny opening credits for season two have not been uploaded to YouTube, you have to imagine Jennie Kwan in the place of Heidi Noelle Lenhart.

Episode 2.6 “Surfboards and Cycles”

(Directed by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 16th, 1993)

In a storyline that shows how much the second season of California Dreams owed to every single season of Saved By The Bell, the members of the band have to pick an elective.  Sly and Matt enroll in home economics so they can meet girls and are stunned to discover that their teacher is a hardass former Marine who expects culinary perfection.

Meanwhile, Tiffani and Sam enroll in auto shop so that they can meet boys.  Also enrolled in auto shop is Jake.  Jake is convinced that women don’t belong in auto shop and Tiffani and Sam quickly prove his point by revealing that they know nothing about cars.  (I would also be clueless in auto shop but I will say that my sister Melissa can fix anything on a car.)  That said, Tiffani and Jake still fall in love.  The band panics because Jake and Tiffani seem like such opposites.  So, Sly and Tony go out of their way to plant seeds of doubt in Jake and Tiffani’s mind.  When Jake insists on wearing his leather jacket to the beach, Tiffani dumps his ass.  Yay, Tiffani!

But …. oh no!  Before breaking up, Tiffani and Jake wrote a duet.  Matt wants to make the song a part of the regular Dreams set list but how can he do that if Tiffani and Jake aren’t speaking?  Looks like it’s time to take over Sharky’s and trick Tiffani and Jake into meeting for the most romantic dinner of their lives!  Somehow, it works.  I’m just wondering why Sharky was always willing to let the Dreams shut down his place of business whenever they felt like it.  That doesn’t seem like a good business model.

This episode was pretty derivative and the main message appeared to be that Matt’s a jerk who can’t come up with a song on his own.  But Tiffani and Jake actually were a pretty cute couple and they had a likable chemistry together.  That chemistry pretty much saved this episode.

Episode 2.7 “A Question of Math”

(Directed by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 23rd, 1993)

The entire school is freaking out about midterms!  Sam becomes a tutor but her latest student, an arrogant football star (Richard Hillman), pretends to like her just so he can get out of paying her!  Luckily, Sam gets her revenge by tricking him into buying a fake test that has all the wrong answers.  Way to go, Sam!  Ruin that guy’s future!

That most interesting about this episode is that the football star was played by Richard Hillman, who also played Kirsten Dunst’s jerk of a boyfriend in Bring It On.  This was an enjoyable episode, even if I have my doubts about whether or not everyone would go that crazy over a high school midterm.  Maybe it’s just because I’m also watching One World and experiencing first hand what happens when a cast has absolutely no chemistry but I’ve really grown to appreciate the cast of California Dreams.  They all just seem like they sincerely enjoy hanging out together and, for the most part, they’ve got enough comedic timing that they can save even a weak joke.

What does the future hold for the surf dudes with attitude?  We’ll find out next week.

Retro Television Review: One World 2.6 “Cyrano De Bengerac” and 2.7 “It’s All Greek To Me”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Fridays, I will be reviewing One World, which ran on NBC from 1998 to 2001.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

The Cast of One World

Uptown, I see a lot of brothers and sisters living on the streets….

Well, not really.  But I can agree that we’re living in one world….

Episode 2.6 “Cyrano de Bengerac”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on October 23rd, 1999)

Good God, this was so painful!

Ben wants to date Roxanne (Ashley Yegan) but Roxane is into poetry and plays and she can basically speak in coherent sentences.  Ben, meanwhile, is Ben.  Actually, I’ve noticed that Ben’s level of intelligence and maturity tends to change from episode-to-episode, depending on the needs of the story.  In this episode, Ben was required to be an absolute idiot.

Knowing that Neal is smart, Ben recruits his brother to tell him what he needs to say to win over Roxanne.  Neal agrees, on the condition that Ben read the play Cyrano de Bergerac.  This leads to the exact same scenario that showed up at least once in every single TNBC series.  Ben puts in an earpiece and goes to a play with Roxanne.  Neal sits a few rows away from them and tells Ben what to say.  Unfortunately, the earpiece starts to pick up other signals and Ben dumbly repeats everything that he hears, even the stuff that makes no sense and which is obviously not being sent to him by Neal.  Roxanne is still impressed enough that, even after she notices the earpiece, she’s still willing to dump Ben so that she can go out with Neal.  Sorry, Ben!  At first, Neal isn’t willing to betray his brother but then Ben reads the play and tells Neal to go for it.

Meanwhile, Dave tries to bond with his adopted daughters by taking them all camping.  Of course, it’s a disaster because Marci and Sui don’t like sleeping in dirt and Jane enjoys starting to trouble.  Since I’m not really into the whole camping thing, I could relate to their horror of having to sleep outside.  That said, the main message here appeared to be that Dave is an idiot and his daughters, who are all approaching adulthood, are thoroughly incapable of taking care of themselves.  Perhaps it’s time for someone to call social services again.

Anyway, as I said at the start, this was a painful episode in which everyone was required to be even dumber than usual.  Let’s move on.

Episode 2.7 “Its All Geek To Me”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on October 30th, 1999)

Oddly enough, this episode was not included on Tubi.  I had to go to YouTube to watch it.  I was hoping that maybe this would be a controversial episode that was pulled from syndication because someone made an offensive joke or something like that.  Instead, this episode was One World at its most jejune.

Sui is failing history and running the risk of getting kicked off the basketball team.  (Wait — she plays basketball now?)  Neal arranges for her to be tutored by Billy (Michael Thomas Dunn).  Billy is kind of nerdy but sweet and when he asks Sui to go to the Dave Matthews Band concert (90s alert!), Sui agrees.  But then everyone gives Sui a hard time about “dating a geek” so she lies to get out of it.  Didn’t the same thing happen to Zach Morris when an overweight girl bought him at a date auction?  Why was everyone on TNBC so shallow?

Anyway, Sui learns the error of her ways and she and Billy share a kiss with the entire football team watching.  “Wooooo!’ the audience exclaims.

Sui learned an important lesson about peer pressure and Billy will probably never be seen again.

Retro Television Review: City Guys 2.7 “Dance Fever” and 2.8 “A Guy And A Goth”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, both of the City Guys, those neat guys who smart and street-wise, learn a lesson about relationships and honesty!  But before we get to that, how about that theme song?

Episode 2.7 “Dance Fever”

(dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 24th, 1998)

Cassidy is dating Nick Lachey, the leader singer of 98 Degrees, but no one seems to care for some reason.  Instead, everyone is more worried about helping Jamal get a date with Amber, a private school girl who keeps stopping by the diner.  When Jamal invites Amber to come to a school dance with him, Amber accepts.  The only problem is that there isn’t a dance scheduled and Ms. Noble has neither the time nor the resources to arrange one.

Because he’s an idiot, Jamal decided to 1) trick Dawn into giving him the keys to the roof and 2) unlock the roof so that he can throw an unauthorized “underground” dance.  This is one of those things that has disaster written all over it so Jamal decides to up the stakes by announcing that Cassidy’s new boyfriend will be performing at the dance.

Needless to see, a huge crowd shows up.  (“Some of these people don’t ever go to our school,” Jamal says.)  But, when it’s time for the band to arrive, only Nick Lachey shows up.  It turns out that their producers wants them to lay down a few new tracks at the studio so they’re going to be late.

Realizing that a riot is going to break out and his date will be ruined if he doesn’t find a way to entertain the crowd, Jamal sends Chris, Al, and L-Train out to perform.

Just as it looks as if a riot is on the verge of breaking out, 98 Degrees shows up and calms the crowd by singing I Do (Cherish You).

The crowd may be satisfied but, because Jamal and Chris broke the rules and defied authority, the Gods of TNBC demand that they be punished.  The police show up and put a stop to the illegal dance.  While Chris and Jamal technically should have been arrested for breaking and entering (and nearly inciting a riot), they are instead turned over to Ms. Noble.  Noble promises to punish them both and, despite Jamal getting freaking 98 Degrees to serenade her, Amber announces that she never wants to see him again.

Oh well!  At least Cassidy got to date Nick Lachey before Jessica Simpson broke his heart.

Episode 2.8 “A Guy and a Goth”

(dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 31st, 1998)

Hey, remember how Chris and Jamal are apparently the only two DJs at the school radio station?  During their morning show, Chris gets a call from a girl named Zoey.  Even though Chris has never seen her before, he likes her voice so he asks to meet her at the diner.  Zoey agrees.  One scene later and….

Oh my God, Zoey’s a goth!

All of Chris’s friends give him a hard time about dating a goth so he lies to Zooey to get out of taking her to a surprise party that everyone is holding for Ms. Noble.  (These students are bizarrely obsessed with hanging out with their principal.)  When Zooey discovers the lie, she’s hurt.  Chris makes it up to her by dressing up like a goth.

Yeah, this was pretty dumb.  Making it even worse is that, in a scene that it totally ripped off from Grease, Zoey shows up at the diner dressed “normal.”  Zoey was cool and smart and funny and what she saw in Chris is never really that apparent.  That said, this episode was all about the costumes that people wear and it aired on October 31st.  That was clever.

Zoey takes back Chris, even though she definitely deserved better.  I have a feeling that Zoey will never be mentioned again on this show.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.9 “The Captain’s Captain / Romance Roulette / Hounded”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Love?  Don’t worry.  Love won’t hurt anymore.

Episode 1.9 “The Captain’s Captain / Romance Roulette / Hounded”

(dir by Jack Arnold, originally aired on November 26th, 1977)

As I watched the opening scenes of the cruise’s passengers making their way onto the Love Boat, I noticed that this episode was directed by Jack Arnold.  I did some online checking and I discovered that this was indeed the same Jack Arnold who directed It Came From Outer Space, Creature From The Black Lagoon, The Incredible Shrinking Man, Tarantula, and a host of other so-called B pictures.  By the time the 70s rolled around, Arnold was directing blaxploitation films (including Fred Williamson’s Boss) and episodic television.  As I watched the episode, I found myself wondering which member of the cast probably asked Arnold the most questions about shooting Creature From The Black Lagoon.  I guess that it was probably Fred Grandy, since apparently he’s a pretty intelligent guy.

As for the show itself, it featured the typical three-story structure.  Gary Burghoff (who I had just watched on Fantasy Island) played a passenger who found himself trapped in his cabin with a security dog that had somehow gotten loose.  As I’ve mentioned before, I have a fear of big dogs so this particular scenario would be quite traumatic for me.  Burghoff, however, got along with the dog and even helped to deliver her puppies.  Awwwwwwww!  Big dogs are scary but little puppies are cute!

While Captain Stubing was dealing with the dog problem, his irascible father (played by Phil Silvers), who was himself a former cruise ship captain, was wandering around the ship and eventually falling in love with a cook named P.J. Muldoon (Judy Canova).  Captain Stubing was skeptical of his father’s romance but, by the end of the episode, he was proposing a toast to his future stepmother.  This storyline was fairly predictable but Phil Silvers and Gavin MacLeod were believable as father-and-son and their scenes together added some depth to Captain Stubing, a character who, in other episodes, has come across as being a bit flat.

Finally, Jane Curtin played Regina Parker, a literature professor who was on the cruise with two friends from college (Joanna Kerns and Susan Heldfond).  The three of them played a game, in which they basically had to make the first man that they heard use a certain word fall in love with them for the duration of the cruise.  The word was “screwdriver.”  When Regina went up to Isaac’s bar to wait for someone to order a screwdriver, she was taken by surprise when Frank (Vincent Baggetta), the ship’s plumber, walked up with a toolbox and asked for someone to hand him a screwdriver.  Regina started to hit on Frank.  Frank almost immediately fell in love with her and he let her read some of his poetry.  Even though his poetry was terrible, Regina fell in love with him.  As you can guess, Frank eventually found out about the game but, by the end of the episode, he and Regina were promising to write each other every day.  In its undeniably silly way, this was actually kind of a fun storyline.  Curtin and Baggetta actually had a lot of chemistry.  Frank’s poems still sucked though.

All in all, this was a pleasant episode.  The guest stars were likable and the cruise itself looked like it would have been a lot of fun.  Was this episode life’s sweetest reward?  It was good but I wouldn’t go that far.  Love is life’s sweetest reward.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 1.8 “Superstar/Salem”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Despite being exhausted last night, I still made sure to watch the next episode of Fantasy Island before allowing myself to fall asleep.  It’s all about priorities.

Episode 1.8 “Superstar/Salem”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on March 25th, 1978)

After a conversation with Tattoo about Tattoo’s sudden interest in photography, Mr. Roarke heads to the docks to meet this week’s guest stars!

First up, we have Richard Delaney (Gary Burghoff) and his wife, Dora (Darleen Carr).  Dora thinks they are on a business trip but actually, Richard has a fantasy.  Despite the fact that he is short, middle-aged, and not at all athletic, Richard’s fantasy is to not only pitch in a baseball game but to also strike out the best baseball players around.

(As a side note, as soon as I saw that this was going to be a baseball episode, I woke up Erin and made her watch it with me.  Of course, it was also one in the morning at the time but still, I would have been a bad sister if I hadn’t.)

Anyway, Richard gets his chance.  It turns out that Fantasy Island is holding a charity baseball game and Mr. Roarke has told everyone that Richard is the best amateur pitcher in the world.  With the help of some Fantasy Island magic, Richard is able to strike out every batter who comes up to the plate.  (According to Erin, all of the batters were real baseball players.)  We know that Richard’s skills are due to magic because, whenever he throws the ball, we hear goofy sound effects.  (“This is dumb,” Erin said, “Why did you wake me up for this?”)  Richard is offered a try-out with the Dodgers.  Yay!

Richard immediately get a little bit full of himself but it turns out that Richard’s fantasy didn’t include becoming a professional baseball player and he loses his ability to pitch.  Unfortunately, Richard doesn’t discover this until after he tells off his boss.  Fortunately, his boss is impressed by Richard’s honesty and he gives Richard a raise.  Richard may never play pro ball but at least he’ll make a lot of money as an accountant or whatever it is that he does for a living.  Yay!  (“Is it over?” Erin asked, “Can I finally get some sleep now?”)

Meanwhile, Martha and Walter Tate (played by Vera Miles and Stuart Whitman) think that the world has become too permissive of bad behavior so they want to go some place where people are better behaved.  Mr. Roarke promptly sends them to 17th century Salem, where they are both accused of being witches and narrowly avoid being executed.  You know, Mr. Roarke, you could have just sent them to a friendly rural community in Nebraska or something.  NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE A LESSON!

The best thing about the Salem storyline was that the evil and feared Dr. Whitfield, the man who ruled Salem with a iron fist, was played by Leslie Nielsen.  When we first meet Dr. Whitfield, he’s explaining how the town drunk came to die.

Dr. Whitfield wanted to hang both Martha and Walter for the sins of dancing and giving aspirin to a child.

Leslie Nielsen may be playing a villain but he delivers his lines in the same style that later made him a comedic icon.  If nothing else, that makes this episode fun to watch.

Martha and Walter end up fleeing Salem and, miraculously, they find themselves back on Fantasy Island.  Mr. Roarke says that he hopes they have had an enlightening fantasy.  Personally, if I was Mr. Roarke, I would be more worried about the lawsuit that they’re probably going to file against him.

This was a pretty silly episode but, as a general rule, I enjoy anything that features Leslie Nielsen playing a humorless villain.  Add to that, it was hard not to smile at the sight of Mr. Roarke and Tattoo casually emerging from the jungle in their white suits to greet Walter and Martha after the latter two escaped Salem.  It may have been a silly episode but it was also a fun one.  And really, what else does one expect from Fantasy Island?

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 2.3 “Harvest Moon” and 2.4 “The Sure Thing”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Season 2 continues with the search for victory on the court and love off of it!

Episode 2.3 “Harvest Moon”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 21st, 1996)

It’s time for the Harvest Moon dance, which I guess is an Indiana thing.  Danny is all excited because Sam is going to be coming home from college so that she can attend the dance with him.  But then Sam sends Danny a letter, telling him that she’s fallen in love with an anthropology student and that they are heading down to Mexico!  Danny gets whiny, which is kind of annoying to watch.  Honestly, why would you want to date someone in high school when you’re in college?

Anyway, Danny gets a rebound date with girl named Veronica.  Veronica has red hair, just like Sam.  Amy even mistakes Veronica for Sam, despite the fact that Amy wasn’t even on the show last season.  Everyone talks about how much Veronica looks like Sam while Veronica is standing right there.  It’s kind of rude.

Meanwhile, Teddy DJ’s the dance while Julie and Josh find excuses to abandon their dates and dance with each other.  Vince and Mary Beth also end up poking fun at each other’s dates and then they end up soulfully staring at each other when Teddy announces the last dance, which leads me to worry that Vince and Mary Beth are going to become a couple.  Don’t do it, Mary Beth!  You deserve better!

Danny steals the team bus and tries to drive it to Chicago.  For some reason, Julie and Josh go with him.  They talk him out of driving to Chicago and then they kiss while Danny drive them back to Indiana.  So, Danny is heart-broken but at least Julie and Josh are happy.

Finally, during the dance, another real-life basketball player drops by to visit with Coach Fuller.  I have no idea who the guy was but the audience went crazy as soon as he showed up.  Fuller, however, kicked him out of the gym for scuffing the floor.

Josh and Julie seems like they’ll be a cute couple and I guess I should accept that the Mary Beth/Vince thing is going to happen because opposites attract.  Danny is now single and kind of whiny so hopefully, that will only last episode or two.  As far as school dance episodes go, this one could have really used either the Zack Attack or the California Dreams.

Episode 2.4 “The Sure Thing”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 28th, 1996)

The Tornadoes have lost six straight games so Fuller demands that the members of his team carry basketballs around with them everywhere that they go.  If that doesn’t work, I guess the season’s over and Fuller’s out of a job.

Teddy is more concerned about asking out Tracy, the new cheerleader.  However, as Teddy explains to his new friends, he’s never asked a girl out before because he’s always been “the fat kid who is everybody’s friend” and you know what?  Anthony Anderson totally sells it!  “You don’t know what it’s like to ask someone out and have them laugh and then you have to laugh too!” Anderson says at one point and my heart was totally breaking for him.  Seriously, watching this episode, you fully understand why Anderson went on to have the busiest career of the many actors who appeared on this show.

Vince and Danny decide to help Teddy out by stalking Tracy and discovering everything that she’s interested so that Teddy will feel confident talking to her.  Couldn’t Teddy just mention that, as was established during the first episode of the second season, his father is an NBA superstar and probably has a lot money?  That’d be a good icebreaker.

Meanwhile, Josh and Julie are dating but Josh is tired of the cutesy way Julie talks to him.  I don’t blame him as, up until this point, there’s been absolutely nothing about Julie’s personality that suggests she would talk to her boyfriend in baby talk.  Eventually, Julie reveals that she’s only been talking that way because she thought Josh liked it and she actually hates doing it as much as Josh hates hearing it.

During this week’s game, the Tornadoes are losing but Teddy finally asks out Tracy and gets the confidence he needs to lead the team to a comeback victory.  Yay!  It was kind of sweet.

Retro Television Reviews: Invitation to Hell (dir by Wes Craven)


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1984’s Invitation to Hell.  It  can be viewed on YouTube!

There’s one rule in life that should never be forgotten.

Any movie that opens with Susan Lucci casting a hex that causes a man’s head to explode is going to be worth watching.

That’s certainly the case with Invitation to Hell, a 1984 made-for-TV movie that casts Lucci as Jessica Jones, an insurance agent who lives and works in an upper class suburb in Southern California. Jessica not only sells insurance but she also runs the ultra-exclusive Steaming Springs Country Club! Anyone who is anyone in town is a member of Steaming Springs! Of course, joining Steaming Springs requires going through a strange ceremony in which you walk into a mist-filled room. Jessica says that the room is called “the Spring” and that it contains everything that someone would need to be happy. However, one need only consider that the film is called Invitation to Hell to guess that Jessica might not be completely honest.

Matt Winslow (Robert Urich) and his family have just moved into the suburbs. Matt’s an engineer whose job involves designing a state-of-the-art space suit. Matt is a little bit annoyed when Jessica starts pressuring him and his family to join the country club. He’s even more perturbed when his wife (Joanna Cassidy), upon returning from the mist-filled room, starts acting and dressing just like Jessica. Matt soon comes to suspect that something strange might be happening, especially after his own daughter attacks him! Fortunately, Matt’s spacesuit comes with a flame thrower, a laser, and a built-in computer that can determine whether or not someone is actually a human being. (Wearing the space helmet means viewing the world like you’re the Terminator.) Soon, it’s science vs. magic as Matt dons the suit and tries to rescue his family from country club living!

Invitation to Hell is totally ludicrous but also a lot of fun. Robert Urich is properly stolid as the hero while the film itself is, not surprisingly, stolen by Susan Lucci. Lucci is totally and wonderfully over-the-top as Jessica, playing the role with the same cheerfully unapologetic intensity that made her a daytime television star. This is a film that has a little bit for everyone — familiar television actors, flamethrowers, space suits, demonic possession, exploding cars, and even a little bit of social satire as the film suggests that living in the suburbs is a terror even without weird country clubs and chic spell casters.

Interestingly enough, this made-for-television film was directed by none other than Wes Craven! The same year that this film was broadcast, Craven directed a little film called A Nightmare on Elm Street. While Invitation to Hell might not be in the same league as that classic shocker, it’s still an enjoyably campy horror flick.

Retro Television Review: California Dreams 2.4 “Sleazy Rider” and 2.5 “The Sly Who Came To Dinner”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

With Jenny gone and Samantha as the band’s new lead singer, it was time to once again update the opening credits of California Dreams.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a separate video for just the revised season two credits.  So, imagine the video below with Jennie Kwan instead of Heidi Noelle Lenhart.

Anyway, let’s get on to the surf dude with attitude….

Episode 2.4 “Sleazy Rider”

(Directed by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 2nd, 1993)

Jake has spent months working on his motorcycle so that he can win the big bike race.  Unfortunately, Jake has to go out of town so he leaves the bike with Matt.  Because Matt is a wimp who is unable to handle even the least bit of responsibility, he is unable to keep Sly from jumping on the bike, starting the bike, running over Tony with the bike, and then crashing the bike.

While Tony recovers in the hospital, he becomes convinced that Tiffani is falling in love with him.  Meanwhile, Sly tries to get everyone to forgive him for nearly killing Tony.  Strangely, no one gets mad at Matt despite the fact that Matt’s only job was to keep Sly from getting on the bike.

It’s a silly episode but I’ll give the show some credit for the title.  At first, I thought the title (a play on Easy Rider) was kind of a dig at Jake and I was like, “What did Jake do?”  But then I realized that Sly was meant to be the sleazy rider and it all made sense.

Episode 2.5 “The Sly Who Came To Dinner”

(Directed by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 9th, 1993)

This episode opens with the Dreams playing at Sharkey’s and it’s our first chance to see the new line-up of Matt, Tony, Jake, Tiffany, and Sam.  For once, they actually look like a real band and it’s understandable that an audience would actually pay money to see them.  Of course, it helps that we only hear the end of that radio song from season 1 and then Sam’s “Hey Baby” song.  As Matt would put it, those were two of their better “tunes.”

The Dreams may be hot but Sly is not.  Sam says that she feels sorry for Sly as she watches him get slapped by every girl at Sharkey’s.  Matt says that he feels sorry for Sly in the same way that he feels sorry for monkeys at the zoo.  WHAT!?  Sam dedicates a song to Sly so Sly decides that Sam is in love with him.

Meanwhile, Tiffani is getting cards and flowers from a mystery fan.  Has she got a stalker!?  Who cares?  That’s just the B-plot.  In the A-plot, Sly’s family is visiting his grandmother so Sly ends up staying at the Garrison house.  Sly thinks that this will allow him to pursue Sam.  Sam, however, has a big history paper due and she’s not interested.  Sly offers to type up her paper but instead just steals a college term paper that Mr. Garrison is supposed to be grading.  Somehow, that leads to Sam getting a D-.  Apparently, the high school has very high standards when it comes to history reports.

These two episodes are mostly interesting because they’re the first ones to really take real advantage of Sly’s comedic potential and Michael Cade’s talent for physical comedy.   As I watched these two episodes, I realized that the scheme-obsessed Sly basically was Zach Morris if Zach lived in the real world.  On Saved By The Bell, Zach never had to deal with any consequences for his schemes.  On California Dreams, Sly was constantly on the verge of losing his friends and was often running for his life.  Zach ended up as governor of California.  Sly probably lost all of his money in 2008.  Poor Sly.

Will things look up for him next week?  Probably not but we’ll see.

Retro Television Review: One World 2.4 “The Tangled Web” and 2.5 “Playing the Field”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Fridays, I will be reviewing One World, which ran on NBC from 1998 to 2001.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

The Cast of One World

One world, one world …. but will those brothers and sisters uptown ever stop living on the streets….

One World 2.4 “The Tangled Web”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on October 9th, 1999)

Every TNBC show featured at least one episode about waiting in line for concert tickets.  (On Saved By The Bell, it was all about getting U2 concerts at the mall.)  Every TNBC show would also feature at least one or two episodes about sneaking out of the house late at night.  Apparently, that was almost as big a problem in the 90s as teenage gambling.  One World combined these two storylines by having Jane and Sui sneak out of the house to get concert tickets.

Meanwhile, at The Warehouse (a.k.a., Miami’s Hottest Under-21 Club), Ben wants to date the new waitress, Gina.  Marci warns that Gina has just come out of a bad relationship and is very fragile.  “She needs a certain type of man,” Marci says, “and that man is not you!”

“Awwwwww!’ the audience replies.

Anyway, Sui and Jane get busted by the cops for violating curfew.  A social worker is sent to the house to determine whether or not the Blakes are adequate foster parents.  For some reason, Sui and Jane decide that it’s a good idea to hire actors to pretend to be their parents.  (You may remember Zach doing the same thing when Mr. Belding wanted to see his father.)

Meanwhile, Ben dates Gina but he tries to condition himself so that he won’t try to kiss her.  He does this by having Neal and Cray administer electric shocks to him while he watches Baywatch….

Especially when compared to the first season’s episodes, it’s all a bit too cartoonish for its own good.  Far too often, TNBC shows featured problems that could have easily been solved by the people on the show not acting like a bunch of idiots.  This is one of those episodes.  Let’s move on.

One World 2.5 “Playing the Field”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on October 16th, 1999)

“No more rules for anyone!” Dave Blake announces, trying to teach his children why the house rules are important.  Soon, the house descends into chaos.

Even more importantly, the coach of a rival school is sending Sui gifts in an effort to bribe her into switching schools!  Isn’t that illegal?  Sui also gets a new boyfriend but it turns out that it’s all a part of the plot to get her to transfer.  Boooo!  What an evil school.

Watching this episode, I found myself kind of wishing that I had played soccer in high school.  Getting gifts from other coaches seems like it would be fun!

Anyway, this was a cool episode because it was a Sui episode but I do have to admit that I couldn’t stop cringing at the sight of that progressively messier house.  We’re all living in one world.  Keep it clean!