Retro Television Reviews: Born Innocent (dir by Donald Wyre)

Posted on December 11, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1974’s Born Innocent! It can be viewed on Tubi!

Fresh off of her Oscar-nominated role in 1973’s The Exorcist, 15 year-old Linda Blair starred as Christine “Chris” Parker in Born Innocent.

Chris is a 14 year-old who has frequently been caught running away from home. When you consider her home life, it’s easy to understand why she keeps running away. Her father (Richard Jaeckel) is quick to lose his temper and obviously has no clue how to relate to a teenage daughter. When he gets angry at Chris, he beats her. Chris’s mother (Kim Hunter) spends all of her time smoking cigarettes, watching TV, and refusing to acknowledge what Chris is going through. Chris’s older brother (Mitch Vogel) has escaped from their abusive home but he’s now got a family of his own and there’s no room for Chris. With no other options available to her, Chris resorts to frequently running away from home. In the eyes of the system, this makes her both a delinquent and a repeat offender. However, as quickly becomes apparent, Chris is very naïve and hardly a criminal. Instead, she’s just someone trying to escape a terrible situation.

After getting caught once again, Chris is sent to a juvenile detention center. Unfortunately, because of overcrowding, Chris is sent to one of the toughest centers, one where she is surrounded by people who have done a lot more than just run away from home. Everyone knows that Chris doesn’t belong at the center but there’s no where else to send her. With the exception of one teacher (played by Joanna Miles), the staff is too overwhelmed to look after Chris. Meanwhile, the other inmates see Chris as being an easy victim and they start to bully her. Eventually, Chris loses her innocence and becomes just as ruthless and angry as her former victimizers.

Born Innocent is often described as being an exploitation film and, indeed, one can just look at the artwork at the top of this review and see how the film was advertised when it was eventually released on video. That said, the film itself may be undeniably melodramatic but there’s also a sincerity and a sensitivity to it that sets it apart from other women in prison films. Born Innocent is all about how the System creates criminals. From the start of the film, it’s obvious that being locked up is the last thing that Chris needs. Instead, Chris just needs someone to be willing to listen to her but the System would rather just toss her in juvenile hall and then forget about her. Only Chris’s teacher cares about her but, by the time they actually meet, it’s already too late for Chris. She’s already been tossed into a situation where the only thing that matters is survival. Born Innocent is controversial for a scene in which Chris is attacked by several other inmates and sexually assaulted with with a plunger. It’s a shocking scene and I can only imagine have television audiences in 1974 reacted to it. In this scene and the scenes that immediately follow, Linda Blair gives a harrowing performance that captures the emotional trauma of what Chris has been put through. It’s not easy to watch and that’s the point.

Unfortunately, Blair is a bit less convincing during the second half of the film, in which Chris becomes progressively more and more cold-hearted. The idea is that Chris, in order to protect herself, becomes just as intimidating as the girls who attacked her. Unfortunately, the vulnerability that made Linda Blair ideal for The Exorcist and the first half of this film also make it difficult to take her seriously as cold-hearted sociopath. During the second half of the film, Blair tries so hard to come across as being tough that she never convinces us. Later, in films like Savage Streets, Blair would become one of the toughest badasses around but, in this film, she still come across as being essentially born innocent.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 2.16 “Rebel Without A Clue” and 2.17 “Dirty Dog Days”

Posted on December 10, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

The second season continue as California’s favorite garage band continues to pursue stardom.

Episode 2.16 “Rebel Without A Clue”

(dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on January 15th, 1994)

When he discovers that he’s running the risk of being sent to summer school, Sly finally gets serious about American History and studies for the big test. He gets an A but, since he’s never gotten an A before, his teacher accuses him to cheating. The school disciplinary board also accuses him of cheating, despite the efforts of Jake to defend him. Sly is suspended and told that he’ll have to make up the class in summer school. Jake commends Sly for being a rebel and for refusing to ask for a second chance but Sly really doesn’t want to go to summer school. So, he dresses up like Ben Franklin and, at the school dance, he demands that the history teacher give him an impromptu test.

The teacher agrees with the condition that, if Sly misses just one question, he’ll be expelled.

WHAT!? Seriously, what type of school is this? You’re punished for getting an A? You’re expelled for missing one question? Is any of this legal? Couldn’t Sly and his parents take the school to court? I mean, this is just weird but it doesn’t matter because Sly gets all the questions correct. He not only gets his A but he also wins Jake’s respect somehow.

Meanwhile, both Tiffani and Sam want to sing the Dreams’s newest song. Jake votes for Sam (and votes against his girlfriend, though who knows if they’re still dating at this point as it’s been a few episodes since they last showed each other any hint of affection). Matt votes for Tiffani. It’s up to Tony to break the tie! Tony votes for …. both of them. The song becomes a duet. That seems like such an obvious solution that it’s kind of amazing that no one thought of it beforehand.

This was a weird episode but Jake and Sly made a good team. Michael Cade (who played Sly) was a good enough actor that he could even make you feel sorry for a character whose catch phrase was “Ba-boom!” That’s no small accomplishment.

Episode 2.17 “Dirty Dog Days”

(dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on January 29th, 1994)

This episode opens with Tony and Matt playing basketball in the garage and immediately, I noticed that Tony looked considerably younger and Matt looked a bit shorter than he did in the previous episode. Plus, his hair was quite a bit darker. After Tony tried to pull off a trick shot, Jake came roaring up on his motorcycle. The audience want crazy but I couldn’t help but notice that Jake seems like the old surly Jake from the start of the season as opposed to the more light-hearted version who appeared in the previous episode.

“Where are the girls?” Jake asks, “I want to jam.”

“Tiffani’s waxing her board,” Matt says, “and Jenny’s waxing her legs.”

Jenny? Jenny’s not on the show anymore, Matt! She left a long time ago!

As you probably already guessed, this episode was shown out of order. It was originally meant to be the second episode of the season but NBC decided to air it as the second-to-last. As a result, Jenny is suddenly back and Sam is nowhere to be seen. Jake is not dating Tiffani but he is crushing on Jenny.

As for the episode, Sly’s cousin is dying so Sly steals his radio equipment. Jake goes on the air, pretending to be a DJ named Midnight Mike. For some reason, he introduces the Dreams as being the Dirty Dogs, a British band who is visiting California. (This gives Matt a chance to speak with the worst fake British accent that I’ve ever heard.) It turns out that the radio still works and soon, everyone is talking about the Dirty Dogs. Sly decides that they should use the radio to play the Dreams, under the name of the Dirty Dogs. Everyone loves the music but it doesn’t really do the Dreams any good because no one believes that the Dirty Dogs are actually the Dreams. Got all that?

Somehow, Kelly and Jenny don’t understand that Jake is Midnight Mike and they decide that the Dirty Dogs must have stolen the Dreams’s music and that Midnight Mike “accidentally put us on as the Dirty Dogs.” Jake is particularly upset to discover that Jenny has a crush on Midnight Mike but not on him. This is one of those plots that could have easily been resolved by everyone just being honest and not stupid but then again, there would be no show if that was what everyone did.

Eventually, the FCC shows up. They want to arrest Midnight Mike for his pirate radio activities! Stupid government.

Meanwhile, Sly has announced that the Dirty Dogs will be performing at Sharky’s but instead, it will just be The Dreams performing while wearing dog masks. Instead of telling Tiffani and Jenny the truth, they tell them that they will be pretending to be the Dirty Dogs because Sly “lied” about knowing the Dirty Dogs so they’ll be performing to get Sly out of trouble and …. okay, I’m getting a headache just trying to explain this stuff.

Eventually, the Dreams perform, the FCC is outsmarted, and Jake tells the truth to Jenny. Jenny says that Jake may be the one man she’s met who is just as cool as she thought Midnight Mike was. Yay! They’re in love …. except, of course, Jenny’s leaving for music school or she’s going back to music school, depending on how you want to deal with all of the weird continuity errors that were created by showing this episode out-of-order.

To my surprise, I actually liked his episode, just because of how totally incoherent the plot was. It’s one thing to come up with a plot that makes no sense. It’s another thing to unapologetically embrace making no sense and dare people to stop watching. It’s hard not to admire that type of confidence. Once again, Jay Anthony Franke and Michael Cade went out of their way to have as much fun as possible while making no sense. Plus, the song that the Dreams/Dirty Dogs performed was actually pretty good. For once, the Dreams rocked out.

Next week, season 2 ends and season 3 begins!

Retro Television Review: One World 3.3 “The Two Year Itch” and 3.4 “The Race Car”

Posted on December 9, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing One World, which ran on NBC from 1998 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

The Cast of One World

This week, Jane makes a new friend and Cray gets a new car! That’s life when you’re living in one world.

Episode 3.3 “The Two Year Itch”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on October 7th, 2000)

Early on in this episode, Sui’s purse is stolen.

“My life was in that purse!” Sui says.

“You mean like your money and your ID card?” Marci says.

“No, I mean my gum!”

This is a joke format that One World used quite frequently and it always felt incredibly awkward. It’s certainly not a reflection of how real people talk. Perhaps that’s understandable, given that this is a TNBC show. But One World was also meant to be edgy and realistic, a step away from the silliness of Saved By The Bell. The show’s combination of corny jokes and real world issues was strange at best and cringey at worst.

As for the rest of this episode, it follows Jane as she tracks down Jessie, the runaway who stole Sui’s purse. It turns out that Jessie is a homeless teenager who is struggling to survive, just as Jane once was. Jessie has an attitude, just like Jane once did. Jane decides to take Jessie home with her. Jane arranges for Jessie to crash in the hippie van that the family refurbished last season but Jane also goes out of her way to try to keep the Blakes from discovering that Jessie is there. Why? Because this is a stupid show.

Anyway, the Blake kids see Jane sneaking around and keeping secrets and they decide that she must be on drugs. An attempted intervention leads to the Blakes discovering that Jessie has been living in the van. Jessie runs away but later, she decides to go to social services and “enter the system” so she can find a family like Jane’s. It’s a good thing that the American foster system is known for being efficient and well-managed.

In the B-plot, Cray is selected to appear in an orange juice commercial. Cray becomes totally focused on getting an agent and pursuing a show biz career. Dave asks Cray why he’s behaving like this and asks, “Why can’t you just rob a liquor store like other child actors?” In all fairness, Brandon Baker is actually kind of funny as he lets fame go to his head. But again, he gets tripped up by One World‘s dumb joke structure. When he finds out that he’s being replaced as the spokesman for the orange juice company, we get this gem:

“You are being replaced.”

“By a big star?”

“By JoJo the Wonderchimp.”

Seriously …. So. Cringey.

Episode 3.4 “The Race Car”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on October 14th, 2000)

The Warehouse, Miami’s “hottest under-21 club,” is holding a contest. Whoever can keep their hand on a car for the longest amount of time wins it! Cray wins the car, despite the fact that Marci is assistant manager of the Warehouse and Cray should have been disqualified for being a relative. Since Cray is only 13, he needs to find someone to drive him around all the time. St. Neal refuses to do it. Ben can’t do it because his license is suspended because he keeps parking in handicap spots. (The audience laughs, even though it’s really not funny.)

Jane agrees to drive Cray around but Jane also leaves the keys in the car. When Neal and Ben decide to take the car for a joyride, they get approached by a cop who demands to know if they own the car. When Neal attempts to explain that the car belongs to his “little brother,” the cop accuses Neal of being a gang member and arrests him. When Ben attempts to explain that Neal is not in a gang, he gets arrested as well.

While Neal and Ben languish in jail, Sui and Marci get ultracompetitive over a tennis game and opening up a jar of pickles. Naturally, Sui is the ultimate winner because Sui is the coolest character ever.

During this episode, Karen mentioned several times that she was pregnant. This was a plot development that I has forgotten and, from the amount of times that it was mentioned during this episode, I’m guessing the writers had only recently remembered it as well.

The episode ends with Neal telling off the racist cop while also defending good cops and making it clear that the bad cop was just an aberration, which is the type of ending that would get this show slammed by the AV Club today. Back in 2000, though, the audience loved it.

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 3.3 “Alley Oops” and 3.4 “Face the Music”

Posted on December 8, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Let’s get this over weight. No, no …. I’m not at all second-guessing my decision to sit through every episode of City Guys. Not at all …. this is definitely the best decision that I’ve ever made.

Episode 3.3 “Alley Oops”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on September 18th, 1999)

Oh God. This episode not only features a lot of bowling but Ms. Nobel gets a storyline as well.

Even though it’s never been mentioned before, it turns out that Jamal, Chris, Al, and Dawn are all on the same bowling team. What? Like seriously, where did this come from? Anyway, it turns out that the team would be great except for the fact that Dawn is a terrible bowler. Okay, that makes sense. There’s never been any indication that Dawn would be a good bowler. And since Dawn has never been portrayed as being a member of the group’s “inner circle,” you have to kind of wonder how she ended up on the team in first place.

Anyway, there’s a big game coming up against a Puerto Rican team that is led by the flamboyant Lupe Guadalupe (Jose Urbina). One of the interesting things about City Guys is that for all of its “Open up your eyes, we’re all the same” rhetoric and liberal posturing, it was a show that had absolutely no problem making fun of people of either Asian or Spanish descent. Lupe and his team all speak with exaggerated accents and randomly drop Spanish words into their conversation, which the live studio audience finds to be hilarious. On the one hand, Lupe is a stereotype. On the other hand, he’s also the best character in this episode because he never stop taunting the City Guys. Lupe is the better bowler and he knows it and he makes no apologies and it’s impossible not to enjoy the exaggerated rituals that he goes through before rolling the ball down the lane. Considering that this show often acted as if Jamal and Chris were the center of the universe, it’s good to see a character who doesn’t have any respect for them and who is actually better than them at something. Go Lupe!

Anyway, realizing that she sucks, Dawn fakes a wrist injury so that L-Train can take her place on the team. L-Train is a great bowler and it looks like the City Guys might win the trophy! But then Dawn cheers too hard and the cast on her wrist flies off. Everyone really she wasn’t actually injured and an important lesson is learned about something. I don’t know what the lesson was to be honest. I don’t bowl.

While this was going on, Ms. Nobel developed a crush on the new substitute teacher, Mr. Washington. But then she saw Mr. Washington with a younger woman and she assumed she was his girlfriend. It turns out she was just his sister so yay! Ms. Nobel’s getting it tonight.

Let’s move on….

Episode 3.4 “Face The Music”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on September 18th, 1999)

“Lionel,” Ms. Nobel tells L-Train towards the end of this episode, “I think you learned an important lesson tonight. Before you show your songs to anyone, you should copyright them.”

Finally! A lesson that all of City Guys‘s audience could take to heart!

Anyway, in this episode, it’s revealed that L-Train is a huge fan of the blues, a songwriter, and a follower of Slick Willie (Sherman Hemsley), a veteran bluesman. Much as with the bowling league, all of this kind of came out of nowhere but, by this point, I’m kind of used to that as far as City Guys is concerned. L-Train, Chris, and Jamal go to see Slick Willie perform at the local blues club. L-Train lets Slick Willie see one of this songs. Slick Willie steals the song and puts it on his next album.

Didn’t the same thing happen to Jake on California Dreams?

This felt like a bit of a throw-away episode, as if Peter Engel called the writers into his office and said, “We’ve got Sherman Hemsley for a day, find something for him to do!” and the writers panicked and just recycled an old California Dreams script. It’s funny that a show about copyright law basically stole its plot from another show. How much you want to bet that we’ll never hear another word about L-Train being an aspiring blues musician?

Eh. You’re disappointing me, City Guys!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.14 “Isaac’s Double Standard / One More Time / Chimpanzeeshines”

Posted on December 7, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time for love and monkeys!

Episode 1.14 “Isaac’s Double Standard / One More Time / Chimpanzeeshines”

(Dir by James Sheldon and Richard Kinon, originally aired on January 14th, 1978)

This is a bit of an odd episode.

It’s odd because it features yet another stowaway. Somehow various characters were always managing to stow away on the boat. This week, the stowaway was a chimpanzee. How did a chimpanzee get on the boat? Gopher brought her on. Apparently, Gopher was under the impression that he had the week off so he agreed to look after a friend’s chimpanzee. Then he discover that he actually was working that week so he decided that it would be a good idea to smuggle the chimpanzee onto the boat. Of course, it doesn’t take long for Isaac and Julie to discover that Gopher has a chimpanzee in his cabin. Neither one of them appears to be surprised that Gopher has a friend who owns a chimpanzee. Me, I would want more information on whether or not Gopher’s friend worked for a circus or a zoo or a research lab. I mean, most people just don’t own chimpanzees as pets. Instead, everyone just accepts that Gopher is living with a monkey and that it is now their duty to keep Captain Stubing from finding out.

Of course, the chimpanzee gets loose. She runs around the ship, stealing food and clothes and surprising passengers. Fortunately, she’s a well-trained chimpanzee and she doesn’t try to kill anyone. In real life, Chimpanzees are known for being extremely dangerous and unpredictable. On shows like this, they’re adorable!

While looking for the chimp, Gopher meets and has a romance with Anne Parker (Kim Lankford), who has just had a nose job. She’s insecure about her new nose. Everyone assures her that her new nose looks great. And it does! As someone who spent most of her teen years planning on getting a nose job, I was really impressed with it. (For the record, I still have my original nose and I now realize I wouldn’t change it for the world.)

While Gopher is dealing with the chimp, Isaac is freaking out because his mother (Pearl Bailey) is on the ship with her new boyfriend (Arthur Adams) and they’re sharing a cabin! Isaac is being a little bit hypocritical because he happens to be sharing a cabin with his girlfriend, Charlene (Tracy Reed). Isaac finally realizes he’s not being fair and he accepts the fact that his mother is having sex at his workplace. So, it all works out.

Meanwhile, in our third storyline, Nanentte Fabray is a singer who is hired to provide the cruise’s entertainment. She’s upset to discover that her pianist (Don Adams) is also her ex-partner. Don’t worry, they get back together by the end of the cruise. Of course, everyone’s too busy looking for the chimpanzee to notice.

This was not a terrible episode, just an odd one. The Nanette Fabray/Don Adams storyline was pretty forgettable and, though it’s always cool when Ted Lange actually gets to do something other than make drinks, Isaac’s family situation played out predictably. What made this episode stand out, for better or worse, was all the business with the chimpanzee. How Gopher kept his job after that, I have no idea. Chimpanzees have been known to kill people if they get stressed out and being dragged onto a cruise ship by a stranger seems like it would be a stressful situation. Still, after all that, Gopher kept his job. I’m beginning to think that Captain Stubing might not be the disciplinarian that the crew things he is.

Next week, we’ve got more love but hopefully less monkeys.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 1.13 “Fool For A Client/Double Your Pleasure”

Posted on December 6, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week’s episode of Fantasy Island is …. well, let’s just say that not every fantasy can be a winner.

Episode 1.13 “Fool For A Client/Double Your Pleasure”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on May 13th, 1978)

This episode begins with Tattoo suffering from a toothache and Mr. Roarke giving him a hard time about it. Indeed, Mr. Roarke seems to take an almost sadistic delight in telling Tattoo that he shall have to see a dentist. The relationship of Mr. Roarke and Tattoo strikes me as being an odd one. On the one hand, Roarke allows Tattoo to handle the money and Tattoo appears to be the second-in-command. One assumes that, if Mr. Roarke ever went on vacation, Tattoo would be left in charge. At the same time, Mr. Roarke doesn’t seem to particularly like Tattoo and he seems to take a lot of pleasure from the various humiliations that Tattoo suffers on a weekly basis. From what I understand, Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize were not exactly friends offscreen so perhaps, this is just a case of reality bleeding into fiction.

Anyway, Tattoo’s toothache is perhaps the most interesting thing about this episode. Both of the fantasies are kind of lame.

In the first fantasy, Ken Berry plays Larry, a blue collar guy who has spent 12 years working on the Alaskan pipeline. His fantasy is to spend the weekend with two beautiful women. No sooner has Larry arrived on Fantasy Island, then he meets Nina (Caren Kaye). She’s beautiful and Larry’s happy. Then he meets Dina, who is Nina’s twin sister and, because of the whole twin thing, she’s beautiful and Larry is happy. EXCEPT …. it turns out that there’s only one woman and her fantasy was to pretend to be a twin for the weekend. Wait …. what? I mean, it works out. Dina and Larry fall in love and they leave together but it seems like Larry didn’t really get his fantasy and, at the very least, he deserves a partial refund.

In the second fantasy, comedian Rich Little plays Herb Costigan, a paralegal who wants to be the world’s greatest lawyer. Mr. Roarke sets him up with a house on the “other side of the island,” which Roarke explains is populated by rich people who apparently have vacation homes on Fantasy Island. Roarke has told everyone that Costigan is a world-famous attorney. However, when a murder occurs, Costigan is framed for the crime and soon, he’s defending himself in court! Eventually, it turns out that there was no murder and the supposed victim just faked his death and is now wandering around the Island with a fake beard glued to his face. It really doesn’t make any sense but this fantasy does establish that the island is, at the very least, a territory of the United States as there’s a big American flag in the courtroom.

Neither one of these stories really worked for me, largely because neither Ken Berry nor Rich Little seemed to be particularly invested in their characters. It also doesn’t help that Berry and Little shared a superficial physical resemblance, to the extent that it was often a struggle to keep straight who was having which fantasy.

In the end, Tattoo’ toothache was the highlight of this show. Fortunately, it just turned out to be his wisdom teeth coming in. Take that, Mr. Roarke!

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 2.13 “The Best Game of the Season”

Posted on December 5, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Season 2 comes to an end with …. The Best Game of the Season!

Episode 2.13 “The Best Game of the Season”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 30th, 1996)

The final episode of season 2 begins with Mary Beth screaming, “9-11! Girl in trouble!”

It turns out that Mary Beth was trying to clean the backboard in the gym when the ladder fell over. Now, she’s caught in the net! The team runs into the gym. They’re impressed by Mary Beth’s dedication but then they remember that she just wants to get a car that she’ll apparently receive if the team makes the playoffs. “I thought she had Tornado Fever!” Josh says and the entire team laughs about how the whole school has Tornado Fever. Julie agrees that there is no way that the Tornadoes aren’t going to make it to the playoffs. Fuller yells at everyone for getting cocky and forgetting that they still have to win one more game. Uh, guys …. SOMEONE RESCUE MARY BETH! Eventually, Vince sets up the ladder and climbs up to the backboard to save Mary Beth. But then ladder falls over again and …. ha! …. Vince is trapped as well.

Fuller tells Julie to come talk to him in the locker room after practice. It turns out that there’s a man with a fake Italian accent waiting for the two of them. Coach Fuller explains that the man coaches “the Women’s International Basketball Team in Milan.”

“Really!?” Julie exclaims, “Milan, Italy!?”

No, Julie! MILAN, INDIANA! OF COURSE, IT’S ITALY!

Anyway, Coach Mario wants Julie to come play for him in Europe. Fuller thinks that Julie needs to focus on high school and college before going pro. Fuller explains that graduating from high school and college will make Julie a more mature and better player. Somewhere, LeBron James is laughing. (And that, quite frankly, is the extent of my LeBron James knowledge.) In a rather creepy moment, Mario says that he knows all about Julie, including that Chris cheated on her before going to college. WHAT!? Julie finds nothing strange about this.

“I-a know it-a is-a big decision,” the actor playing Mario says.

Later, in the school hallway, Josh tells Julie that she should take the opportunity but that he would really miss her if she goes. Julie kisses him. “Wooooooo!’ the audience says. Amy suggests that Julie should just go to the tryouts and see what it’s like before making a final decision. Julie says that’s not a bad idea. Danny says, “Plus, you probably won’t make the team anyways.” Julie glares at him but Danny’s only saying what we’re all thinking.

At the mall, everyone listens as Mary Beth and Vince debate whether or not it’s better to get a BMW or an old mustang convertible. But then Julie shows up and tells everyone that she went to the try-outs and she played the best ball of her life. Then Fuller shows up and tells Julie that she made it. Everyone gets excited.

“I made it!” Julie says.

“There’s something else you have to make,” Fuller says, somberly. “A decision …. by this Monday.”

But what about the car!?

The next day, Fuller is frustrated because the team is more interested in talking about Julie’s decision about going to Italy than practicing. Julie announces that she’s going to Italy. The team freaks out. Fortunately, Mary Beth ends the fight by announcing that she washed the scoreboard with soapy water. Sparks fly across the gym. Everyone’s upset about the scoreboard but I’m just happy that Mary Beth didn’t get electrocuted.

At the mall, everyone gathers at The Stadium (I just remembered that’s the name of the crappy restaurant where they all hang out) to say goodbye to Julie. Everyone except for Mary Beth and Vince! Those two try to run a buffer over the gym floor but they accidentally grab a sander instead. The gym floor is destroyed. “Oops!” Vince says.

The next morning, Josh approaches Julie in school and gives her two tickets to a lecture from someone who I assume is a basketball player. I assume this not because I recognized the name but because every guest star on Hang Time was a basketball player. Unfortunately, Julie has just learned that she had to leave for training camp right away. No lecture. No going away party. And no playing in the final game. The Tornadoes are doomed!

Coach Fuller steps into the gym and freaks out when he discover Vince and Mary Beth repairing the floor. Accompanying Fuller is an 10-foot tall woman who I assume is a basketball player. While Fuller yells at Vince and Mary Beth in his office, Julie steps in to the gym and talks to the basketball player. The player and Julie dribble the ball around and Julie is so thoroughly humiliated that she realizes that she’s been way too cocky about going to Italy. The player orders Julie to stay in school and go to college.

At the big game, Julie shows up and announces that she’s not going to Italy and she’s ready to lead the team to the playoffs! Except …. The Tornadoes lose by one point! YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE TO ITALY, JULIE! Julie assures everyone that they just played “the best game of the season.” No, you lost, Julie! Maybe if you had gone to practice instead of spending your time packing for Italy, the team would have gone to the championship! Still, no one is upset at Julie because no one on this show is ever allowed to call out Julie being more than a bit self-absorbed.

And so season 2 ends. Next week, season 3 begins! Will Julie and Josh be able to lead the Tornadoes to another championship? Julie might but Josh won’t because his character didn’t return for season 3. Who will replace him? Tune in next week to find out!

Retro Television Reviews: Return of the Rebels (dir by Noel Nosseck)

Posted on December 4, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Mary Beth Allen (Barbara Eden) used to be the wife of the leader of Rebels, Arizona’s toughest motorcycle gang. She’s now a widow and she operates a Colorado River campground. Her teenager daughter, Amy (Deanna Robbins), has got a crush on a local boy named K.C. Barnes (Patrick Swayze) and that’s a problem because K.C. is kind of a jerk.

Every weekend, K.C. and his gang descend on the campground and proceed to have a good time, redneck-style. They set up a few kegs of beer. They water ski. They play loud music. They get into fights. They drive their vans all over the property. They are so disruptive that Mary Beth is losing customers. For reasons that are not quite clear, the police refuse to help her. For some reason, K.C. seems to be determined to drive Mary Beth out of business. And when I say “for some reason,” what I mean is that there’s absolutely no reason for K.C. to be as obnoxious as he is. It’s not like he owns a rival campground or anything. He’s not going to gain a thing by running Mary Beth out of business. K.C.’s only motivation seems to be that he’s a jerk. Unfortunately, he’s played by a young Patrick Swayze, who was a bit too likable to be believable as someone who would be a jerk just for the Hell of it. Swayze smirks and sneers and laughs whenever Mary Beth yells at him but, up until the last few moments of the film, he still comes across more as being an overgrown teenager who is too dumb to realize how annoying he’s being than a true villain. When K.C. does suddenly reveal himself to be a true villain, it’s a bit jarring. It’s like seeing the neighborhood bully suddenly pick up a gun and rob a bank. Swayze’s character was definitely bad but he didn’t seem that bad,

Regardless of K.C.’s level of villainy, his antics are threatening to put Mary Beth out of business. She goes into the city and pays a visit on Sonny (Don Murray). Sonny used to be a member of the Rebels. Now, he’s a fairly successful auto mechanic. He’s also always been in love with Mary Beth. When he finds out that Mary Beth needs help, he decides that it’s time to get the old Rebels back together so that they can put some young punks in their place.

The problem, of course, is that some of the old Rebels are really, really old. Al Williams (Robert Mandan) was once the most fearsome dude on a motorcycle but now he sells used cars and collapses after he’s challenged to run down to the end of the street. Mickey Fine (Jamie Farr) is now more concerned with taking care of his family than riding motorcycles. Jay Arnold Wayne (Christopher Connelly) is a wealthy businessman who …. well, he doesn’t get much of a personality beyond that. “Wild” Bill Karp (Michael Baseleon) is still wild but he’s also middle-aged and out-of-shape.

Can Sonny get the gang back together before K.C. takes over the campground? And even if he can, will he able to gather enough former Rebels to take on K.C.’s surprisingly large gang? Seriously, when K.C. and his gang show up at the campground, K.C. appears to be leading a convoy. It’s almost as if the entire population of Arizona is following K.C. around for the weekend.

As you may have already guessed, Return of the Rebels struggles to find a consistent tone. On the one hand, the battle between the old bikers and the young rednecks is a dangerous one and the film tries to generate some suspense over whether everyone will survive. On the other hand, the film’s cast is full of sitcom veterans who often deliver their lines as if they’re waiting for a laugh track to punctuate their point. On the one hand, Patrick Swayze’s gang is supposed to be dangerous. On the other hand, they’re Patrick Swayze’s gang. For a bunch of delinquents, it seems like all they really want to do is spend the weekend water skiing and drinking beer. Obviously, beer and motorboats don’t always go well together but Swayze and his friends still never come across as being quite as dangerous as they’re supposed to be.

Return of the Rebels is a film about getting old. The members of the Rebels have all found success but all of them are nostalgic for their days of being “outlaw” bikers and they get one final chance to show everyone what they can do. It’s not a bad theme but again, the film can never quite make up its mind how seriously it wants us to take either the Rebels or Swayze’s gang. It’s a bit of a mess. That said, the scenery was gorgeous and I’m enough of a country girl that I definitely got a little thrill out of watching scenes of various pickup trucks and vans driving through the river. I have a weakness for rebels and reformed bikers. It’s an amiable film, even if it doesn’t make much sense in the end.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 2.14 “21 Jake Street” and 2.15 “Can’t Buy Me Love”

Posted on December 3, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I do have to say that, having now watched several episodes of City Guys and One World, I actually appreciate California Dreams a bit more. It was one of the better shows to be produced by Peter Engel, one of the crown jewels of the Engelverse.

Episode 2.14 “21 Jake Street”

(Originally aired on December 25th, 1993, directed by Don Barnart)

Wow, this episode premiered on Christmas Day? Really? How many families put off unwrapping presents so they could watch the latest adventures of the California Dreams?

There’s a new girl at PCH and all the male members of the Dreams want to date her. However, the only guy that she’s interested in going out with is Jake. Soon, Jake is dating her and …. WAIT A MINUTE! Isn’t Jake dating Tiffani!? Have we not gone through several episodes that have featured Jake dating Tiffani? Yet now, Jake is dating a new girl and Tiffani isn’t even upset about it. Once again, it appears that this episode was shown out of its intended order. NBC was notorious for doing this with their morning sitcoms and, as a result, the continuity of California Dreams, City Guys. Hang Time, One World, and Saved By The Bell was always a mess. At the time, it’s possible that no one noticed or cared. Back in 1993, it wasn’t like people could hop on Twitter and demand to know whether Jake and Tiffani were still a couple. And honestly, there are worse things in the world than sloppy continuity. It’s just that, when you binge one of these shows, screwed-up continuity jumps out at you in a way that it might not otherwise.

Anyway, the new girl is really interested in Sly’s plan to get fake IDs so that the Dreams can play in a 21-and-over club. It turns out that she’s an undercover cop and she’s working to break a Fake ID ring! If you only watched shows that took place in the Engelverse, you would be justified in thinking that fake IDs were the biggest problem in high schools in the 1990s. Saved By The Bell, Hang Time, City Guys, California Dreams, they all did at least one episode about fake IDs.

The fake ID dealer is arrested. Sly nearly gets arrested as well but he’s allowed to go free after he promises to never buy a fake ID again. That’s not really how the legal system works but whatever. Jake tells the undercover cop to look him up after he graduates from high school. He says it right in front of Tiffani. WHAT A JERK!

Meanwhile, Matt and Tony compete in an art competition. Matt paints an abstract portrait of Sam. Sam tells Matt that he has no talent. Tony sculpts a bust of Tiffani and wins first prize after a large chunk of it is broken off. Yay! The art stuff was dumb but kind of cute. The cast had just enough chemistry to pull it off.

Episode 2.15 “Can’t Buy Me Love”

(Originally aired on January 8th, 1994, directed by Don Barnhart)

The high school needs a new scoreboard for the gym so Tiffani decides that the perfect way to raise money would be told hold a slave auction!

Okay, technically, it’s a “servant” auction but the idea is that, once someone buys you, you do whatever they say for an entire week. And you don’t get paid and you don’t really get any say in what you’re ordered to do and …. well, it’s a slave auction, okay? Oddly enough, buying people was a frequent theme in the Engelverse. Saved By The Bell, Hang Time, and City Guys all had episodes that featured date auctions.

Anyway, if that premise wasn’t awkward enough, the show’s only regular black character, Tony, agrees to be sold. He’s hoping that he’ll be purchased by his crush. Instead, dumbass Matt scratches his head during the auction and he ends up accidentally buying Tony! Agck! At first, Matt refuses to give Tony any orders but, eventually, he does ask Tony to do a few things. Matt feels so guilty about it that he ends up becoming Tony’s servant.

Meanwhile, Sly buys the most popular girl in the school because he’s convinced that he can brainwash her into loving him. (Good Lord, what is with this episode?) However, the girl turns out to hate Sly so much that all of his efforts go nowhere and she ends up telling everyone in the school what a sleazy dork he is. For some reason, we are now supposed to feel bad for Sly, despite the fact that he is kind of a sleazy dork.

Jake gets purchased by a group of cheerleaders who drive him crazy by being overly peppy. Tiffani is purchased by Sam, who really enjoys bossing her around. To be honest, Sam buying Tiffani (at a discount because Tiffani is the last person left to be auctioned off) is a lot funnier than you might expect. That’s largely because Jennie Kwan had the best comic timing of any of the second season cast members. As played by Kwan, Sam is an agent of chaos and her cheerfully destructive performance contrasts nicely with Kelly Packard’s much more earnest performance as Tiffani.

This is an episode that probably shouldn’t work but it does. The entire premise is incredibly problematic but the cast had a strong enough chemistry that they could even gets laughs out of the dumbest of situations. I already mentioned the comedic team of Jennie Kwan and Kelly Packard but Michael Cade and Jay Anthony Franke also make for a good team in this episode. Sly and Jake were probably the most cliched characters on the show but Franke and Cade both brought a lot of energy to their performances and they played well off of each other. As with so many of the second season episodes, you find yourself laughing almost despite yourself.

Next week, hopefully no one will be sold or brainwashed. It’s supposed to be about the music, people!

Retro Television Review: One World 3.1 “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner” and 3.2 “Push Comes To Shove”

Posted on December 2, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Cast of One World

It’s time for the third and final season of One World!

Episode 3.1 “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on September 23rd, 2000)

At the end of season 2 of One World, Neal and Jane were both facing an uncertain future. Having been caught cheating on the SAT, they had been banned from retaking the test and they were both going to have to figure out a way to get into a good college with no SAT score. It was a pretty dark situation. Neal even said that it was now going to take him a little bit longer to achieve his dreams. I was curious to see how the show would handle this situation in season 3.

The first episode of season 3 handled the developments of season 2 in much the same way that most TNBC shows handled any sort of unexpected drama. They ignored it. Over the course of the first episode of season 3, no mention was made of the SAT or college. Neal is apparently still in high school (though he was a senior last season) and he’s got the highest GPA of anyone in his class. Once again, his future is bright! Jane, meanwhile, is no longer talking about college but she does now have a really awful spiky hairstyle. Seriously, I want slap whoever it was who decided to dye her hair that color of yellow. It totally washes out all of her features.

As for Ben, Cray, Sui, and Marci …. well, they’re pretty much the same. Marci is still materialistic. Cray is still dorky. Ben is still dumb, And Sui is still way too cool for this show.

The first episode featured a guest turn from James Avery, playing Mr. Richard, the father of Neal’s girlfriend, Kate. (Yes, there is a joke about how he “looks like the guy from Fresh Prince.”) Mr, Richard is a successful and wealthy attorney and a Harvard graduate. When Neal mentions that he used to be in a gang, Mr. Richard forbids Kate (Tasha Taylor) from dating Neal. Neal confronts Mr. Richard and accuses him of being prejudiced. (“Ohhhhhh!” the audience says.) Mr. Richard tells Neal to watch his mouth. (“Ahhhhh!” the audience responds.)

Later, Kate sneaks into the Blake home and tells Neal that she’s willing to defy her father but Neal says that he won’t go against her father’s wishes because he still has the same integrity that caused him to get banned from taking the SAT. (No, Neal doesn’t bring up the SAT. That’s just me wondering what happened to that whole storyline.) Mr. Richard is moved by Neal’s integrity and decides that he’s okay with his daughter dating a former gang member who was will basically never be able to get into a good college.

On the one hand, Neal has a point about giving people a second chance and judging people by their actions and not their past. On the other hand, Mr. Richard is played by James Avery, who was a far better actor than the material deserved. The character is written to just be a snob but Avery instead turns him into a father who sincerely cares about his daughter. So, despite the show’s intentions, Mr. Richard actually comes across as being more sympathetic than either his flighty daughter or the somewhat self-righteous Neal.

Meanwhile, Marci buys a bunch of clothes online but discovers that they were stolen. The most interesting thing about this storyline is that everyone is shocked to discover that you can buy things online. I guess that’s 2000 for you!

Episode 3.2 “Push Comes to Shove”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on September 30, 2000)

Cray has a bully! Earl (Joshua Boyd) goes from demanding the Cray bring him a sandwich to demanding that Cray bring him money. Jane counsels Cray to beat Earl up. (Has she not seen Cray? Cray’s not beating anyone up.) St. Neal suggests that Cray should turn the other cheek and remember that violence solves nothing. Neal, however, turns out to be a huge hypocrite because, when he talks to Earl, he ends up getting into a fight with him. Neal beats up Earl (off-screen, of course) but he then has an ethical crisis over having violated his principles. Good Lord, Neal’s annoying.

Meanwhile, Jane is dating Bradley Covington, the scion of the richest family in town. Bradley asks out Jane despite her terrible hair and the fact that the supercool Sui was in the same room. Bradley takes Jane to a country club and we get a badly acted scene in which Jane stands up to Bradley’s snooty cousin. That whole subplot didn’t really go anywhere.

Well, that’s not a great start to season 3. Hopefully, next week will be a bit better!