Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.20 “Birthday Party/Ghostbreaker”

Posted on May 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Mr. Roarke reunites a family and arranges for a man to battle a “ghost.”

Episode 2.20 “Birthday Party/Ghostbreaker”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on March 3rd, 1979)

This week, Tattoo has both a joy buzzer and a pink carnation that squirts water. He explains to Mr. Roarke that he read somewhere the women love a man with a sense of humor. “I want to be the king of humor on Fantasy Island,” he explains.

“Lucky us,” Mr. Roarke replies while dramatically rolling his eyes and reminding viewers of just how much he despises his scene-stealing assistant.

As for the two fantasies, this is another episode where the fantasies don’t really seem like they should be happening on the same island. One is rather serious. The other is a bit cartoonish.

The first guest to get off the plane is Elliott Fielding (Ken Berry), a librarian who believes in ghosts and who is pretty sure that he knows how to exorcise a ghost from a haunted location. He’s so confident that he’s even written a book about it. However, because Elliott has never actually seen a ghost, no one is willing to publish his book. Elliott’s fantasy is to exorcise a real ghost and prove that his theories are true. Mr. Roarke obliges by taking him to a mansion that Roarke explains was once occupied by a murderer known as the Gentleman Strangler. Now, however, it’s a private all-girls boarding school! (This is one of those episodes that leaves the viewer wondering just what exactly Fantasy Island is exactly. When the show started, it was just a resort. Now, it appears to have become a thriving nation, home to not only industry but also an exclusive boarding school.)

The school’s students have been reporting sightings of the ghost of the Gentleman Strangler. Elliott sets out to exorcise the ghost and along the way, he falls in love with the school’s headmistress (Annette Funicello). He also finds an enemy in the form of the school’s fencing instructor (Larry Storch). Oddly there aren’t any other teachers at the school so I guess the students just spend all of their learning how to fence.

This was an odd fantasy because, on the one hand, you had this ghost potentially threatening to strangle a bunch of teenage girls and, on the other hand, you had the very broad comedy of Ken Berry and Larry Storch facing off. Of course, it turns out that there really wasn’t a ghost haunting the school so, at first, it appears that Elliott’s fantasy didn’t come true. However, after Elliott leaves, Roarke explains to Tattoo that Elliott actually did meet a ghost when he had a conversation with a helpful handyman. That probably would have been a good thing to let Elliott know before he left but …. well, Mr. Roarke does what he wants. If there’s any lesson to be learned from watching Fantasy Island, it’s that Mr. Roarke makes the rules and it is best to never question his arbitrary decisions.

Meanwhile, Carol Gates (Janet Leigh) comes to the island to be reunited with the twins (Skye Aubrey and Christopher Stone) that she gave up for her adoption. I was expecting the twins to reject her or to be angry. Instead, with her support, her son gets signed to a football team and her daughter decides not give her own children up for adoption. Yay! It was a bit of an easy fantasy, with little of the drama that I was expecting. But Janet Leigh was a talented actress and she’s good here, bringing a lot of genuine emotion the story.

The fantasies were a bit mismatched but I like ghost stories (even when they’re a bit silly) and Janet Leigh is one of my favorite actresses so this trip to Fantasy Island was worth it.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 4.15 “The Tall And The Short Of It” and 4.16 “Just Friends”

Posted on May 1, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Today, YouTube makes watching Hang Time difficult!

Episode 4.15 “The Tall and the Short Of It”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 31st, 1998)

Rico has finally got a girlfriend! She loves video games and basketball almost as much as he does! The problem, as far as Rico is concerned, is that Rico is short and Gail (Bree Turner) is tall. Rico is worried that the team will make fun of him because of the height difference and, from what we’ve seen of the team, he’s probably right. Then again, Rico was addicted to marijuana just a few weeks ago so maybe he’s still having episodes of paranoia.

When the team starts to suggest that Rico is lying about having a girlfriend, Rico decides that the best possible solution would be pay his cousin, Lisa (Constance Zimmer, who later starred on Unreal), ten dollars to pretend to be his girlfriend. Knowing Rico, that’s probably not the first time he’s paid a cousin to make out with him. Needless to say Gail sees Rico with Lisa (who, at least, has a good name) and she breaks up with him. But then Rico apologizes and dances with her at the school’s 70s party so I guess everything’s resolved.

Honestly, who cares? It’s Rico. Rico makes Vince seem like an interesting character.

While this was going on, Mary Beth searched for Hammer’s lucky jacket, which she lost after he gave it to her for safekeeping. Don’t worry. She found it.

Episode 4.16 “Just Friends”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 31st, 1998)

In this episode….

OH MY GOD! IT’S NOT ON YOUTUBE!

Yep, it’s sad but it’s true. As far as I can tell there are only two episodes of Hang Time that can’t be found online and this is one of them. Obviously, I can’t review this episode but I can tell you what apparently happened.

According to the imdb, this episode found the team working, once again, as counselors at a basketball camp. You may remember that Coach Fuller bought the camp last season. Fuller’s gone but apparently, the camp is still a thing and now Coach K. is in charge of it. Did Coach K. buy the camp or did Fuller ask him to keep an eye on it? I can’t tell you because I can’t watch the episode but, from my knowledge of Hang Time, I have a feeling this question was probably never even addressed.

Anyway, it appears that this episode featured Julie kissing some other guy and realizing that she and Michael were better as just friends. Poor Michael! What’s funny is that, at this point, I’m so used to Julie cheating on her boyfriends and then making them feel as if it’s their fault that I feel as if I’ve seen this show without having seen it.

Retro Television Reviews: See The Man Run (dir by Corey Allen)

Posted on April 30, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1971’s See The Man Run! It can be viewed on YouTube!

Two criminals have kidnapped the 18 year-old daughter of Dr. Thomas Spencer (Eddie Albert). They call the number that they have for Dr. Spencer and they tell the man that answers that they are going to kill his daughter unless he pays them a large amount of money.

What the criminals don’t know is that Dr. Spencer has recently changed his phone number and his old number was given to a struggling actor named Ben Taylor (Robert Culp). When the kidnappers call, Ben has just gotten out of bed and he’s still a bit too groggy to explain to them that they have the wrong number. Though he suspects that the whole thing might be an elaborate prank, he decides to call the real Dr. Spencer and tell him about the phone call. However, when the doctor answers, Ben does such a bad job of explaining the situation that Dr. Spencer thinks that Ben is the kidnapper. Begging Ben not to hurt his daughter, Dr. Spencer says that he’ll pay anything and that he won’t even call the police.

This gives Ben and his wife, Joanne (Angie Dickinson), an idea. When the kidnappers call back, Ben pretends to be Dr. Spencer. After the kidnappers tell Ben the amount of money that they want, Ben then calls Dr. Spencer and, pretending to be the kidnapper, relays the message but he also adds an extra $50,000 to the ransom demand. Ben and Joanne’s plan is to collect the ransom from Dr. Spencer, take their cut, and then deliver the ransom to the kidnappers.

It’s a complicated plan and, throughout the course of the day, both Ben and Joanne have their moments of doubt. But they stick with it, because Joanne wants the money and Ben wants the chance to not only prove himself as an actor but to also show Joanne that he’s not the loser that she insists that he is. Complicating matters, though, is that Dr. Spencer’s wife (June Allyson) has called the police without telling Dr. Spencer. Though Dr. Spencer doesn’t know it, the cops are determined to be there when he hands off the ransom to the man who claims to have his daughter.

Clocking in at a briskly-paced 73 minutes, See The Man Run is an enjoyable thriller, one that is full of unexpected twists and which features a fierce performance from Angie Dickinson and a rather poignant one from Robert Culp. Culp is convincing rather he’s playing a kidnapper, a doctor, or just an out of work actor who doesn’t realize that he’s gotten in over his head. As smart as he may be, Ben cannot escape from his own insecurities and his fear of being betrayed. It all leads to a diabolically clever surprise ending, one that proves that you can run only so far before you stumble.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 5.6 “Reel Teens” and 5.7 “Father Knows Bets”

Posted on April 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, we finally meet Sly’s father!

Episode 5.6 “Reel Teens”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 12th, 1996)

Reel Teens, a reality show, follows around Jake and the California Dreams for a week and reports on how they handle stress. Since this episode is from the 90s, the entire episode is shot in the style of the Real World, with skewed camera angles, colorful title cards, and random use of black-and-white. Though Jake assures the viewing audience that “Jake Sommers doesn’t do stress,” it turns out that he actually has a lot of stress. Jake has to fix Tiffani’s car. He has to write a song by Friday. He has to turn in his term paper and, for his home economics class, he has to sew a wedding dress.

I enjoyed this episode. It was actually a pretty clever satire of 90s-style reality television. Plus. Jake’s wedding dress was actually really nice. Good for him!

Episode 5.7 “Father Knows Bets”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 19th, 1996)

After five seasons, we finally get to meet Sly’s father! To be honest, I was expecting him to be some sort of greasy, used car salesman type of guy. I was thinking of maybe the TNBC version of Frank Reynolds from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Instead, it turns out that he’s a high-powered businessman who had apparently never been a part of Sly’s life. In fact, his father is so neglectful that all of Sly’s bad and obnoxious behavior suddenly makes perfect sense.

However, in this episode, Sly finally goes too far when he develops a gambling addiction. Sly wins his first few bets and then he loses big. And, since Sly made the mistake of putting the band’s equipment up as a collateral, the Dreams lose big too. Sly sells his car in order to pay back the band but, by this point, Jake has already called Sly’s father and told him what’s going on. Sly and his father finally have a heart-to-heart talk outside of Sharky’s and you know what? It’s actually extremely touching. By the end of this show, Michael Cade had developed into a very good actor and he proves it in this episode.

Meanwhile, all of the school is wondering who will be given the Himalaya Award, which honors the most unique student. Tony is on the committee and he whispers to everyone that the winner will be Jake. However, it turns out that the winner is Tony and the rest of the committee lied to him because they knew Tony couldn’t keep a secret. “I can keep a secret!” Tony says, in front of all the people who he previously told Jake was going to win.

Hey, it made me laugh!

This was a good episode. if you need proof of just how much better California Dreams was than the other Peter Engel-produced sitcoms of the 90s, compare this episode to the Saved By The Bell episode were Zack Morris talked to his Dad or the City Guys episode where Chris found out his parents were getting divorced.

Coming up next week, a clip show and a senior prom!

Retro Television Reviews: Half Nelson Episode 1.8 “Malibu Colony”

Posted on April 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Half Nelson, which ran on NBC from March to May of 1985. Almost all nine of the show’s episodes can be found on YouTube!

Last week, I took a look at the sixth episode of Half Nelson, which was called Nose Job and which featured Rocky (Joe Pesci) dealing with an obsessed plastic surgeon who was stalking a former girlfriend. That episode featured not only two villains (it turned out that the plastic surgeon wasn’t the only homicidal stalker in Hollywood) but is also ended with Victoria Jackson’s Annie O’Hara starting a romantic relationship with Gary Grubbs’s Detective Hamill.

Nose Job was followed by an episode called Chariots For Hire. It apparently aired on April 26th, 1985 and that’s really all I can tell you about the episode. Chariots For Hire is the only episode of Half Nelson that has not been uploaded to YouTube. I can’t even find a plot summary for it on the imdb. Chariots For Hire is apparently the lost episode of Half Nelson.

Fortunately, the eighth episode of Half Nelson is on YouTube. So, let’s pick up the adventures of Rocky Nelson in Malibu Colony!

Episode 1.8 “Malibu Colony”

(Dir by James Sheldon, originally aired on May 3rd, 1985)

Rocky, Annie, Beau (Dick Butkus), and Kurt (Bubba Smith) have been assigned to guard what Rocky claims is “one of the most valuable art collections in the world.” Fortunately, this job means that they get to spend a few days hanging out in a fabulous beach house in Malibu! Standing out on the deck of the beach house, Annie looks out at the ocean and says that she can hardly believe that China is on the other side of it.

“I wonder how the egg rolls stay fresh crossing over from that far,” Kurt says.

Before anyone can ponder that question for too long, a half-naked woman runs screaming down the beach while being pursued by two thugs in suits. Rocky saves the woman from the thugs and sends her into the beach house so that she can borrow some clothes from Annie. Once dressed, the woman explains that she’s Nancy Norton (Shari Shattuck) and that she was fleeing from a nearby yacht club. She claims that the owner of the club has some naked pictures of her and she needs to get them back. Rocky, deciding that the art can protect itself, helps Nancy sneak back into the club so that she can retrieve her photographs. However, when she sees the club’s president, Crane (John Beck), she suddenly holds up a gun and shoots at him. Rocky is able to push Crane out of the way of the bullets and then he chases after Nancy.

Fortunately, both Rocky and Nancy make it out of the club without anyone realizing that they’re together. Despite the fact that she nearly made him an accessory to murder, Rocky still wants to help Nancy. Nancy explains that there are no pictures and she wasn’t trying to kill Crane. (“I just wanted to scare him.”) Nancy’s father lost a lot of money while playing poker with Crane and now Crane is threatening to kill him if he doesn’t pay. But Nancy is convinced that the poker game was rigged. The reason she was in club earlier was to take a look at Crane’s cards.

(For some reason, she thought it would be smart to do that while wearing a bikini, the top of which was somehow lost while she was fleeing Crane’s guards. That explains that partial nudity, which I am sure was definitely viewed as being important to the plot and not just as an attempt to boost the show’s ratings.)

Having saved Crane’s life, Rocky is able to get Annie, Kurt, and Beau jobs at the club. Annie models clothes. Kurt and Beau work as waiters. Rocky’s boss, Chester (Fred Williamson), shows up at the club with Dean Martin and is shocked to see all of his employees working there. Dean demands that Chester give them all raises so that they can quit their second jobs.

Eventually, Rocky finds his proof that Crane is a criminal and, with Chester’s help, he takes Crane down. After being stuck in the office for the past few episodes, Chester actually gets to do something in this episode. It’s always nice to see Fred Williamson in action and making it even better is that he smokes a big cigar while he’s taking down the bad guys. Finally, after eight episodes, Half Nelson reminded everyone of why Fred Williamson was so cool to begin with.

This episode definitely earns some points for allowing the entire supporting cast — from Fred Williamson to Victoria Jackson to Dean Martin — to play a role in solving the case of the week. One of Half Nelson‘s biggest flaws was that the appealingly quirky supporting characters often felt underused and Malibu Colony finally gives them a chance to show what they could have done as an ensemble. The mix of Pesci’s wise guy nerve, Jackson’s spaciness, Williamson’s effortless coolness, and Butkus and Smith’s comedic relief is actually pretty entertaining. Unfortunately, as good as the heroes are, Crane is pretty boring villain and the case of the week isn’t particularly interesting. In particular, Nancy’s actions never really make that much sense.

Oh well. This was a flawed episode but it still offered up a hint of what Half Nelson could have been. Next week, I will be reviewing this show’s final episode. Until then, L.A. — you belong to me!

Retro Television Review: City Guys 4.18 “Who Da Man” and 4.19 “Get To Preppin”

Posted on April 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, the kids have another subway adventure and it’s time for midterms!

Episode 4.18 “Who Da Man”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 18th, 2000)

This is a weird episode.

I guess because the producers didn’t want to waste their subway set, Al, Dawn, and Cassidy had yet another adventure on a train. This time, the three of them were approached by two muggers who demanded Al’s jacket. Despite all of his brave talk, Al meekly surrendered his jacket. Fortunately, Dawn remembered her self-defense training and somehow managed to flip the main mugger to the ground. Dawn saved Al’s life but, in his eyes, she also robbed him of his dignity. Of course, those of us who have been watching this show from the beginning know that Al never had any dignity to begin with.

After Cassidy tells the editor of the school newspaper about what happened, everyone at the school knows that Al needed Dawn to save his jacket. Al demands that Dawn start acting more “like a girl.” Dawn reacts by acting so girly that Al has a mental breakdown and says he wishes that thing could go back to the way they were, with Dawn dressing like a Portland antique store owner and Al presumably getting mugged every time he rode the subway.

Meanwhile, Ms. Noble asks L-Train, Jamal, and Chris to hold a ladder steady while she attempts to hang a picture of her husband in her classroom. Unfortunately, because she stupidly asked the three most easily distracted people in the school for help, she falls off the ladder. The next time we see Ms. Noble, she’s in a wheelchair and L-Train is pushing her around New York. (How this became L-Train’s job is never really explained.) L-Train, however, suspects that Ms. Noble can really walk and, as such, he keeps trying to put her into situations designed to get her out of the chair. He even rolls her up to the roof of the school so that she can watch a limbo contest. To L-Train’s shock, she doesn’t take part in the contest. L-Train leaves the roof to try to figure out how his life has come to center around pushing around Ms. Noble. When he returns to the roof, he is shocked to discover that Ms. Noble can walk and is doing the limbo, albeit by herself. Ms. Noble taunts L-Train with the fact that she can walk but, when Chris and Jamal step out on the roof, she sits back down.

Seriously, what the heck? I mean, let’s ignore the fact that Dawn is suddenly a kick ass martial artist. What’s going on with Ms. Noble!? This episode actually proves my theory that Ms. Noble is essentially a cult leader who enjoys manipulating her followers. After three years of her offering encouragement to L-Train, this episode finds her not only manipulating him but also going out of her way to make him look like a liar. What a terrible principal! That said, Ms. Noble’s action were just weird enough to make this episode entertaining.

Let’s move on!

Episode 4.19 “Get to Preppin'”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 25th, 2000)

It’s mid-term time again!

When Chris gets a less than impressive grade on his first test, his father sends him back to prep school. When Chris realizes that he doesn’t have to work hard in his classes because of his father’s influence, he gets upset because it makes him feel like a spoiled brat and apparently, that’s a bad thing. Chris demands to go back to Manny High, where he’s actually held responsible for actions.

Ha! Like that would happen.

Seriously, if I was told that I didn’t have to work at anything when I was 17, crying about it is the last thing I would ever do.

Anyway, Chris’s father returns him to Manny High because, if he didn’t, the name of the show would be changed to City Guy and Jamal would have to host the radio show alone. As always, the important thing is maintaining the status quo.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.11 “Heads or Tails/Mona of the Movies/The Little People”

Posted on April 26, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Let’s set sail for adventure!

Episode 2.11 “Heads or Tails/Mona of the Movies/The Little People”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on November 25th, 1978)

The Love Boat crew is super excited because the glamorous movie star, Mona Maxwell (Rhonda Flemming), is going to be on the cruise. Apparently, this is not her first time to sail on the Love Boat. Captain Stubing can’t wait to get reacquainted with her. The walking HR nightmare that is Doc Bricker can’t wait to flirt with her. Artie D’Angelo (Orson Bean), a passenger who owns a chain of garages, is shocked to see that his favorite movie star in on the boat.

Artie may be a big fan of Mona’s but, whenever he tries to talk to her, he finds that he simply cannot find the words. With Doc’s help, Artie finally works up the courage to ask Mona to have dinner with him. Mona accepts and the two of them soon find themselves falling in love. The only problem is that Artie just cannot bring himself to believe that a big movie star like Mona would be interested in a guy like him. Really, Artie is being way too hard on himself. He’s a likable guy! And, fear not, he and Mona leave ship arm-in-arm.

Meanwhile, two frat dudes — Alex (Adam Arkin) and Wally (Richard Gilliand) — have made a bet over who will be the first to sweep Julie off of her feet. When they start the betting, it’s for money but eventually, they decide to just bet a pizza. Julie spends time with both of them and has fun, especially with Alex. But then a jealous Wally reveals the truth about the bet and Julie announces that she doesn’t want anything else to do with either of them. Gopher tells Julie that she should actually be flattered that the two guys were both so determined to date her. Apparently deciding that she’s not really bothered by the fact that both of her suitors just spent an entire weekend lying to her, Julie forgives them and then says that she’s going to spend an equal amount of time with both Alex and Wally so neither one of them will win or lose the bet.

Finally, Doug Warren (Edward Albert) is on the cruise with his parents, who are celebrating their anniversary. Coincidentally, Doug’s co-worker, Beth (Patty McCormack), is also on the cruise! Doug and Beth quickly fall in love but then Beth is freaked out when she sees two little people in the ship’s lounge. She explains to Doug that little people make her nervous. She always worries about what would happen if her child turned out to be a little people. What she doesn’t know is that the little people — Ralph (Billy Barty) and Dottie (Patty Maloney, who also guest-starred on the famous disco-themed episode of The Brady Bunch Hour) — are Doug’s parents!

Without telling Beth why, Doug says that he can no longer see her. A heart-broken Beth goes to the Acapulco Lounge where she gets into a conversation with Ralph and Dottie. She discovers that Ralph and Dottie are just like everyone else and she also finds out that Doug is their very tall son. She tells Doug that she’s no longer worried about their potential children being little people and …. you know, this plot line is just ridiculous. Beth is prejudiced against people based on their height and she’s basically told Doug that she would freak out if her child was anything other than “normal.” And yet, Doug and his parents act all excited when Beth announces that she still loves Doug, regardless of who his parents are. Doug, sweetie — you can do better!

I definitely had mixed feelings about this episode. Orson Bean and Rhonda Fleming were both perfectly charming in their storyline but the other two stories were both pretty icky. I spent the entire episode waiting for Julie to tell off Alex and Wally and for Doug to tell off Beth and, in both cases, it didn’t happen. This was definitely not one of the better cruises of the Pacific Princess.

Hopefully, next week’s destination will be a bit nicer.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.19 “Spending Spree/The Hunted”

Posted on April 25, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we’ve got a weird one!

Episode 2.19 “Spending Spree/The Hunted”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on February 24th, 1979)

What a weird episode! This week, we have two fantasies, neither one of which belongs with the other.

The first fantasy is this silly thing where two best friends win a shopping spree. In order to win a bigger prize, Sally Glover (Diana Canova) and Esther Bolling (Lola Falana) have to spend several thousand dollars in Fantasy Island’s shopping district.

(It’s always strange to me how some episodes present Fantasy Island as being a resort while others present it as being a thriving little nation with its own economy, culture, cities, and villages. If you’re a citizen of Fantasy Island who doesn’t work for Mr. Roarke, do you still call the place Fantasy Island or does it have a real name? Do you tell people, “I was born on Fantasy Island but then I came to mainland when I was 11 to study the culinary arts?” My hope is that the natives of Fantasy Island are called Fantasians.)

Sally and Esther are excited to spend their money but then Mr. Roarke adds a twist. They will be competing against each other. The first one to spend all of her money gets a prize. The other one gets nothing. If they both fail to spend all of their money, they both lose. So, of course, Sally and Esther go crazy competing against each other. In the end, though, they both realize that they would rather be friends than for one of them to be a loser.

That’s a nice message but I’m really not sure what their fantasy was to begin with. It seems like Mr. Roarke invited two lifelong friends to the Island and then decided to play games with them for his own amusement. In this episode, we get a return of the vaguely sinister Mr. Roarke who appeared in some of the early first season episodes.

Speaking of sinister, the other fantasy involves Stuart Whitman in the role of Charles Wesley, the world’s most famous big game hunter. (I assume he inherited the title after Darren McGavin died last season.) Whitman’s fantasy is to take part in a great adventure. So, Mr. Roarke hands Wesley a camera and tells him to “shoot a picture” of dictator General Lin Shun (James Shigeta). General Lin Shun rules the national of Chung Tu with an iron fist but he apparently spends all of his time at his compound of Fantasy Island.

Wesley gets the picture but also gets captured by Lin Shun’s men. Lin Shun explains that he will now hunt Wesley through the jungles of Fantasy Island. It’s like a game. In fact, you might call it The World’s Most Dangerous Game! Wesley learns what it’s like to be hunted. Fortunately, at the last minute, Col. Chen (Khigh Dhiegh), the general’s aide, turns against Lin Shun and arrests him. Interestingly enough, it appears that Mr. Roarke is the one who told the colonel to arrest Lin Shun and take over the nation of Chung Tu. Charles Wesley tosses away his rifle and swears that he’ll never hunt again but I’m more interested in the fact that Mr. Roarke has apparently taken over another country.

Like I said, this was a weird episode. The shopping spree stuff didn’t really seem to fit in with Stuart Whitman desperately running through the jungle. This episode also found Mr. Roarke in an uncommonly manipulative and foul mood. This episode left me wondering just what exactly is going on behind the scenes of the resort.

Maybe we’ll find out next week!

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 4.13 “Nothing In Common” and 4.14 “And Then There Were Nuns”

Posted on April 24, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hang Time! This week, we learn about geography.

Episode 4.13 “Nothing in Common”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 24th, 1998)

We’re back in Indiana! I guess the San Antonio trip is over. Yay.

Michael, Silk, and Rico panic when they see Coach K. walking around their favorite after-school hangout, The Stadium. It turns out that Coach K. wants to buy the place and make it more friendly to older customers. Michael, Silk, and Rico totally freak out and I don’t blame them. No one wants to see their teachers outside of school. Anyway, they come up with the brilliant idea of having Rico’s uncle pretend to be a health inspector so that he can scare off Coach K. It doesn’t work because Rico’s uncle asks how Rico is doing on the team but Coach K. still decides not to buy the Stadium because this is a silly show where plot developments are brought and abandoned at random.

Meanwhile, Mary Beth is upset when Hammer resists her attempts to change him. Mary Beth wants to go to an art exhibit. Hammer wants to go to a boxing match. (Personally, I’m probably an even bigger culture snob than Mary Beth and I would be happy to go to either of those. I love museums but a boxing match is a good excuse to wear something nice and show off your cleavage.) Mary Beth wants Hammer to go sailing. Hammer wants to spend his time at a biker rally. Realizing that she’s trying too hard to change Hammer, Mary Beth dresses up in leather and hangs out at a biker bar. She teaches the bikers all about the proper utensils to use at a formal dinner. It was actually pretty cute and, in the end, Hammer and Mary Beth agreed that they didn’t have to like the same things as long as they liked each other. Awwwwwww!

I liked this episode. Season 4 may not be as strong as the previous three seasons but the Hammer/Mary Beth relationship works surprisingly well. As far as I’m concerned, any episode that features more of Mary Beth and Kristy being wacky and less of Julie getting annoyed is a good one.

Episode 4.14 “And Then There Were Nuns”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 24th, 1998)

Oh hey, we’re back in San Antonio. Continuity be damned!

With only a few days left in Texas, Kristy suspects that she’s in love with Antonio. She tells Mary Beth and Julie that she can imagine a future with Antonio. Awwwwww! Antonio invites Kristy to a wedding …. in Mexico! Kristy agrees. Before leaving, she leaves a note for Julie and Mary Beth. Unfortunately, it’s a poorly-written note and Julie and Mary Beth are convinced that Kristy’s run off to Mexico to get married!

Because everyone on this show is stupid, they don’t tell Coach K or any other adults about what is happening. Instead, everyone except for Julie and Michael head down to Mexico and try to stop the wedding. I guess it’s lucky that they all happened to have their passports with them. (Either that or they crossed into Mexico illegally.) Of course, since they won the big Tri-state tournament. they have to get back to San Antonio by 4 p.m. so that they can get ready to do a media appearance. Michael and Julie are convinced that their friends can go to Mexico and come back while the Coach is taking an hour-long nap. Apparently, the show’s writers were under the impression that San Antonio is right on the border. It’s not. San Antonio is 155 miles away from the border and it appears that the wedding is taking place in a fairly small and remote village. In short, this trip is going to take a lot longer than an hour.

Admittedly, King of the Hill used to do the same thing. Hank Hill was literally an hour away from every location in Texas. But, in that case, it was obviously meant to be intentional and it was a fun in-joke for Texans. (It helped that Mike Judge was one of us.) But, in this case, it just feels incredibly dumb on the part of the Hang Time writers.

Anyway, Silk, Rico, Hammer, and Mary Beth arrive at the wedding but a nun tells them that this is a private ceremony. So, of course, they all dress up like nuns and sneak into the ceremony and….

….

Sorry, silently screaming.

The important thing is that it all works out in the end. Coach K. finds out where the team has gone so he, Michael, and Julie show up for the wedding. Meanwhile, Antonio promises Kristy that, someday, he will find her in Indiana. Awwwww! I’m going to guess that the media appearances were handled by the team’s non-starters, who probably talked about how much fun it was to spend every game sitting on the bench while Michael, Julie, Rico, Silk, and Hammer got all the glory.

What a stupid episode.

Retro Television Reviews: The Feminist and the Fuzz (dir by Jerry Paris)

Posted on April 23, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

At first glance, Jane Bowers (Barbara Eden) and Jerry Frazer (David Hartman) don’t have much in common.

Jerry is a cop, though he’s attending night school with the hope of someday becoming a lawyer. Jerry is an old-fashioned law and order man. He expects the law to be followed. He’s also the type who definitely believes that there are clear differences between men and women. As he explains it, there are some thing that men are just better at. Jerry is dating Kitty (Farrah Fawcett), who works as a waitress at the local Playboy Club.

Dr. Jane Bowers is a pediatrician and a proud feminist, one who takes it personally when a cop like Jerry refuses to give her a parking ticket just because she’s a woman. She wants to be treated as an equal in all matters. She’s dating Wyatt Foley (Herb Edelman), an attorney who still lives with his mother and who constantly goes out of his way to let everyone know that he’s an ally. Jane’s best friend is Dr. Debby Inglefinger (Jo Anne Worley), who has decided that it’s time to lead a protest at the Playboy Club.

The only thing that Jerry and Jane have in common is that they both desperately need an apartment but apparently, apartments were not easy to find in San Francisco in the early 70s. Fortunately, a hippie (Howard Hesseman) has just been evicted from his apartment because the landlord (John McGiver) didn’t like the fact that he was constantly having overnight guests. Jane and Jerry both end up at the apartment at the same time, with Jane getting offended by Jerry’s refusal to give her a traffic ticket. (Jerry makes the mistake of saying that he’s going to let her off “with a warning.” He wouldn’t give a warning to a man! Seriously, though, who in their right mind would actually demand a ticket? Those things cost money.) Even though they take an instant dislike to each other, Jane and Jerry still decide to pretend to be husband and wife so that they can rent the apartment together. With their busy schedules, they figure that they’ll never have to see each other. They won’t even know the other is around.

Of course, it doesn’t work out like that. Jane allows Debby to hold a consciousness raising meeting at the apartment. (Future director Penny Marshall appears as a participant.) Meanwhile, Jerry lets a prostitute (Julie Newmar) stay at the apartment, just to keep her off of the streets for the night. The landlord is getting suspicious. So, for that matter, is Jane’s father (Harry Morgan). And, as you probably already guessed, Jerry and Jane are falling in love.

With its hippies and its militant feminists and its jokes about the Playboy Club, The Feminist and the Fuzz is a film that practically yells, “1971!” Unfortunately, script’s attempt to turn the film’s rather predictable plot into a Neil Simon-style jokefest never quite works. The “humorous” dialogue feels forced and the film’s 75-minute run time doesn’t do it any favors, as we never really have the time to get to know Jerry or Jane as human beings. Instead, they just remain “The Fuzz” and “The Feminist.” As a result, it’s not that easy to care about whether or not they actually get together. Some of the supporting performances are amusing. Barbara Eden manages to avoid turning Jane into a caricature of a humorless activist but poor David Hartman is stiff as a board and in no way convincing as a veteran cop.

The main thing I took away from this movie is that the Playboy Clubs were exceptionally tacky. Way back in 2011, NBC actually tried to air a drama series that took place at a Playboy Club in the 60s. (This was when every network was trying to come up with the next Mad Men.) The pilot started with creepy old Hugh Hefner assuring the viewers that, “Everybody who was anybody wanted to be a member of the club.” I mean, seriously? What a strange world.