Out of This World”

Posted on April 3, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week’s cruise is all about adultery and aliens!

Episode 4.10 “Boomerang/Captain’s Triangle/Out Of This World”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 13th, 1980)

When Donna Dayton (Pamela Sue Martin) boards the boat, Julie immediately notices her wedding ring and asks if Mr. Dayton will be following her. Donna explains that she’s not married. She just wears the ring to keep sleazy men from hitting on her.

Julie is shocked. What if Donna meets someone on the boat!?

Donna says that she has no intention of meeting anyone.

Can you guess what happens next?

Donna meets Scott Hanson (Barry Van Dyke) and it’s love at …. well, not quite first sight. In fact, Donna is weary of Scott because Scott is on the cruise with his oafish best friend, Lance (Guich Koock, who has a great name if nothing else). When Lance tries to hit on Donna, Donna shoots him down. When Scott apologizes to Donna, it leads to them dancing together and then later spending a day in Mexico. Scott repeatedly says that their relationship cannot continue once the cruise is over. Even after Scott spends the night in Donna’s cabin (which was kind of a rare occurrence on this show because The Love Boat was usually a surprisingly chaste show), Scott says that he can’t be with Donna.

Finally realizing that she’s still wearing her fake wedding ring, Donna tells Scott, “I’m not married!”

“But I am,” Scott replies.

DAMN! When did The Love Boat get so dramatic? When the ship returns to Los Angeles, Donna gives her wedding ring to Julie and announces that the next time she wears a ring, it’ll be because she’s married.

Wow, that was depressing. Fortunately, the other two stories are a bit less serious.

For instance, Captain Stubing’s friend, Brad (Monte Markham), boards the boat with his wife, Monica (Sue Ane Langdon). Monica soon starts to hit on Stubing, which leads to Stubing spending all of his time hiding on the bridge. Doc Bricker, naturally, offers to sleep with Monica. Fortunately, Stubing figures out that it’s all Brad’s fault and he tells Brad that he needs to spend more time with his wife. Brad agrees and later learns that Monica just wanted to have an affair because she was insecure about turning 40. But once Brad starts to pay attention to her again, Monica decides not to cheat on him. Sorry, Doc!

Finally, in perhaps the silliest Love Boat storyline ever, Martin Fallow (Tom Smothers) is a science fiction fan who is convinced that his local librarian, Elinor Green (Helen Reddy), is an alien from the planet Romulac. Martin explains to Gopher that Elinor turns into a plant at night and only eats other plants. Elinor proceeds to eat a flower while Isaac, Gopher, and Martin watch.

Elinor later confesses to Isaac that she is not an alien but she’s been pretending to be one because she knows that Martin is obsessed with science fiction. Okay, that makes …. well, that actually makes no sense whatsoever. Elinor thought she could get Martin to love her by pretending to be a plant and …. actually, Martin does fall in love with her so I guess her plan worked. This was such a weird story. Fortunately, it was also a lot of fun. With all the talk of adultery, it was good to have something that was just incredibly silly to serve as a counterbalance.

This was an enjoyable cruise. Pamela Sue Martin and Barry Van Dyke had so much chemistry as the forbidden lovers that I really did feel bad that they couldn’t be together. And the alien stuff was dumb but fun. This was a cruise that truly had something for everyone.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.7 “The Invisible Woman/The Snowbird”

Posted on January 2, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Episode 4.7 “The Invisible Woman/The Snowbird”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on December 6th, 1980)

This week’s trip to Fantasy Island is all about entertainers.

For instance, Ned Pringle (Douglas Barr) is not an entertainer but he wishes that he could be. Instead, the handsome and athletic Ned is a popcorn salesman who works for a traveling circus. He has a crush on a trapeze artist named Velda Ferrini (Pamela Sue Martin) but he feels that he won’t ever be able to talk her unless he too can become a trapeze-artist.

Mr. Roarke grants him his fantasy. He hands Ned a magic pouch and has him climb up a magic ladder. When Ned reaches the platform at the top, he suddenly discovers that he is now standing high above the ground. Below him, the entire circus is waiting for him to audition. Fortunately, as long as Ned has the pouch, there is nothing he can’t do. He’s the world’s greatest acrobat and he is, of course, hired by the circus’s owner, Mr. Ferrini (Don Ameche). Ferrini is the father of Velda and when he hires Ned, he does so under the condition that Ned not try to date his daughter. Good luck with that, Ferrini!

Meanwhile, Velda’s older brother, Mario Ferrini (George Maharis), takes an interest in Ned’s career and he even starts to pressure Ned to attempt the same super dangerous quadruple summersault that led to Mario injuring his leg and having to drop out of the act. Ned, however, realizes that Mario needs to do the summersault himself so that he can get back his confidence. After a conversation with Mr. Roarke (who shows up swinging on the trapeze and wearing a white bodysuit!), Ned allows Mario to have the pouch. Mario finally pulls off the quadruple summersault and he returns to the act. Meanwhile, Ned realizes that he doesn’t have to be an acrobat to be worthy of Velda’s love and he instead becomes the circus’s new manager.

And good for all of them! Ameche, Martin, Maharis, and Barr were all extremely likable in this story, though you do have to wonder what Maharis is going to do if he ever loses the magic pouch. That said, the true stars of the story were the stunt crew. It was pretty easy to spot everyone’s stunt double, which added to the fun of the story. Ricardo Montalban’s stunt double, for instance, appeared to be about 20 years younger than him and blonde.

The episode’s other story deals with a veteran entertainer named Denny Palumbo (Dick Gautier). Denny became a star doing a corny song-and-dance act with his wife, Trish (Neile Adams). However, Denny and Trish got a divorce and their act broke up. Denny is now engaged to Harriet (Elaine Joyce) and he is putting together a new act with two new dancers. Trish’s fantasy is to become invisible so that she can make sure that Denny isn’t cheating on her.

“Boss!” Tattoo says, “Can you do that!?”

“It remains to be seen,” Roarke replies.

(Oh hey, I just got that!)

Just as Roarke gave Ned a magic pouch, he gives Harriet a magic potion that grants temporary invisibility. When Harriet turns invisible, her clothes can still be seen and appear to be floating in mid-air. This leads to her (in her invisible state) undressing in front of Tattoo and Roarke. Tattoo’s eyes get especially wide as everything from Harriet’s dress to her underwear hits the floor. In fact, Tattoo gets so distracted that Roarke snaps, “Tattoo!”

(Later, Tattoo deduces that Roarke can still see Harriet, even after she’s taken the potion and removed her clothes. “Boss!” Tattoo gaps. I’m a bit shocked, myself. Mr. Roarke has always been such a gentleman in the past that I find it hard to believe that he would not have stepped out of the room or, at the very least, turned his back while Harriet undressed.)

Being invisible allows Harriet to spy on Denny. It turns out that Denny is not cheating on her but invisible Harriet still deliberately ruins his rehearsal and causes the new dancers to quit. Needing a partner, Denny turns to Trish, which upsets Harriet even though Harriet was the one who was secretly responsible for inspiring the other two dancers to quit in the first place. Eventually, Harriet realizes that Denny and Trish are meant to be together but that’s okay because she also realizes that she’s meant to be with Denny’s manager, Monty (Sonny Bono, who apparently spent the early 80s living off whatever money he made from appearing on shows like The Love Boat and Fantasy Island).

This story suffered from the fact that all of Harriet’s problems could have been solved by Harriet not acting like an idiot. As I’ve mentioned many times in the past, I am not a fan of the idiot plot. Sonny Bono was likable as Monty but Denny and Harriet were so broadly drawn and performed that I mostly just wanted to Monty to totally get away from both of them.

This week’s trip to Fantasy Island was just silly.

Recipe for Disaster: THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE (20th Century-Fox 1972)

Posted on January 6, 2018 by gary loggins

cracked rear viewer

Although 1970’s AIRPORT is generally credited as the first “disaster movie”, it was 1972’s THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE that made the biggest splash for the genre. Producer Irwin Allen loaded up his cast with five- count ’em!- Academy Award winners, including the previous year’s winner Gene Hackman (THE FRENCH CONNECTION ). The special effects laden extravaganza wound up nominated for 9 Oscars, winning 2, and was the second highest grossing film of the year, behind only THE GODFATHER!

And unlike many of the “disasters” that followed in its wake, THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE holds up surprisingly well. The story serves as an instruction manual for all disaster movies to come. First, introduce your premise: The S.S. Poseidon is sailing on its final voyage, and Captain Leslie Nielsen is ordered by the new ownership to go full steam ahead, despite the ship no longer being in ship-shape. (You won’t be able to take…

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Cleaning Out The DVR: My Christmas Prince (dir by Sam Irvin)

Posted on December 22, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Hi there! So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR. Seriously, I currently have 193 things recorded! I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not. So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR! Will I make it? Keep checking this site to find out! I recorded My Christmas Prince off of Lifetime on December 3rd!)

PRINCE CHARMING IS PRINCE CHEATING!

That’s an actual headline that is seen in My Christmas Prince. The prince in question is Prince Alexander Theodore William Hendricks (Callum Alexander), who is the next in line to take the throne in some little European country that’s definitely not the UK despite the fact that everyone there speaks with a British accent.

Everyone knows that Alexander as a prince, everyone but his girlfriend, Samantha (Alexis Knapp). She just thinks he’s a diplomat and technically, he is. It’s not so much that he lied to her about being royalty. It’s just that he didn’t tell her the whole truth. He wants to be judged based on who he is and not his royal heritage. Of course, by not telling Samantha that he’s a prince, he also hasn’t told her that he will eventually be expected to return home and rule his country. Samantha has plans of her own, which don’t involve being the Queen of a small European country that is definitely not the UK. She’s just been hired to design a summer school program for every school in the Bronx! The children need her!

(Personally, if I had the chance to be the ruler of a small country that pretty much only exists to support its royal family, I would say screw the children and catch the next flight to Monaco.)

Anyway, when Samantha decides to spend her Christmas with her family in Wyoming, Alexander decides to follow. And no sooner has Alexander stepped into the local diner then a waitress immediately recognizes him as the crown prince of whatever country it is that he is from. It turns out that she saw pictures of him online, attending a cocktail party with the royal family of Sweden.

(Of course, it wouldn’t be a Lifetime movie if the Internet didn’t somehow threaten to destroy everyone’s happiness.)

Anyway, it takes Samantha a few minutes to get used to the idea that her boyfriend is a royal prince. Of course, her parents are excited. The entire state of Wyoming is excited. But you know who isn’t excited? Alexander’s mother! Nope, she is scandalized at the thought of Alexander marrying a common American. She’d rather Alexander marry a baroness. Could this possibly lead to a bunch of misunderstandings and unlikely visitors coming to Wyoming?

What do you think?

Every Christmas, it seems like there’s at least a handful of Lifetime and/or Hallmark films that feature obscure European royalty falling in love in small town America. Once you’ve seen one of these movies, you’ve seen them all. There’s not a surprising moment to be found nor a disparaging word to be heard in My Christmas Prince, which is a mildly pleasant but eminently forgettable movie. To be honest, I don’t really demand too much from these movies but My Christmas Prince just didn’t work for me. For a predictable movie like this to work, there needs to be a real chemistry between the two leads but there really didn’t seem to be much of a spark between Knapp and Alexander. Much like the movie, they just seemed to be going through the motions.

I’ve often been asked which member of the Royal Family I relate to. Usually, I say Pippa Middleton but, to be honest, it’s the little girl in the picture below:

Embracing the Melodrama Part II #44: The Poseidon Adventure (dir by Ronald Neame)

Posted on April 26, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

A few years ago, when I first told Arleigh that I had recently watched the 1972 film The Poseidon Adventure, I remember him as being a bit shocked and amazed that I had made it through the entire film. This was because Arleigh knows that I have a morbid obsession with drowning and that the mere sight of someone struggling underwater is enough to send me into a panic attack.

And The Poseidon Adventure is a film that is totally about drowning. The majority of the cast drowns over the course of the film. The few who survive spend all of their time trying not to drown. The main villain in The Poseidon Adventure is the ocean. The Poseidon Adventure is a film specifically designed to terrify aquaphobes like me.

And there are certain parts of The Poseidon Adventure that freaked me out when I first watched it and which continue to freak me out whenever I rewatch it.

For instance, just the film’s plot freaks me out. On New Year’s Day, an ocean liner is capsized by a huge tidal wave. With the boat upside down, a small group of survivors struggle to make their way up to the hull where, hopefully, they might be rescued. That involves a lot of fighting, arguing, climbing, and drowning.

It freaks me out whenever I see the huge tidal wave crash into the bridge and drown Captain Leslie Nielsen. That’s largely because it’s impossible for me to look at Leslie Nielsen without smiling. (I’ve already written about my reaction to seeing him in the original Prom Night.) When he suddenly drowns, it’s not funny at all.

It freaks me out when the boat turns over and hundred of extras are tossed around the ballroom. I always feel especially bad for the people who vainly try to hold onto the upside down tables before eventually plunging to their deaths. (Did I mention that I’m scared of heights as well?)

It freaks me out when Roddy McDowall plunges to his death because who wants to see Roddy McDowall die? Whenever I see him in an old movie, he always come across as being such a super nice guy. (Except in Cleopatra, of course…) Plus, Roddy had an absolutely chilling death scream. They need to replace the Wilhelm Scream with the Roddy Scream.

It freaks me out when survivor Shelley Winters has a heart attack right after swimming from one part of the ship to another. Because seriously, Shelley totally deserved the Oscar nomination that she got for this film.

And it really freaks me out when Stella Stevens plunges to her death because I related to Stella’s character. Stella was tough, she didn’t take any crap from anyone, and she still didn’t make it. If Stella Stevens can’t make it, what hope would there be for me?

And yet, at the same time, The Poseidon Adventure is such an entertaining film that I’m willing to be freaked out. The Poseidon Adventure was one of the first of the classic disaster films and it’s so well done that even the parts of the film that don’t work somehow do work.

For instance, Gene Hackman plays the Rev. Frank Scott, the leader of the group of survivors. And Hackman, who can legitimately be called one of the best actors ever, gives an absolutely terrible performance. His performance is amazingly shrill and totally lacking in nuance. When, toward the end of the film, he starts to angrily yell at God, you actually feel sorry for God. And yet, Hackman’s terrible performance somehow works perfectly for the film. It’s such an over-the-top performance that it sets the tone for the whole film. The Poseidon Adventure is an over-the-top film and, if Hackman had invested his character with any sort of nuance, the film would not have worked as well as it did.

And then there’s Ernest Borgnine, who plays Stella Stevens’s husband. Borgnine spends the entire film arguing with Gene Hackman. Whenever something bad happens, Borgnine starts acting like Edward G. Robinson in The Ten Commandments. He never actually says, “Where is your God now!?” but it wouldn’t have been inappropriate if he had. And yet, again, it’s exactly the type of performance that a film like this needs.

And finally, there’s that theme song. “There has to be a morning after…” It won an Oscar, defeating Strange Are The Ways Of Love from The Stepmother. And is it a good song? No, not really. It’s incredibly vapid and, while it does get stuck in your head, you don’t necessarily want it there. But you know what? It’s the perfect song for this film.

The Poseidon Adventure is not a deep film, regardless of how many times Hackman and Borgnine argue about the role of God in the disaster. It’s an amazingly shallow film about people drowning. But it’s so well-made and so perfectly manipulative that you can’t help but be entertained.

The Poseidon Adventure totally freaks me out. But I will probably always be willing to find time to watch it.