Pam Hogan | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, The Love Boat sets sail without a laugh track and things get awkward.

Episode 5.4 “The Incredible Hunk/Isaac, the Marriage Counselor/Jewels & Jim”

(Dir by Howard Morris, originally aired on October 24th, 1981)

Julie has hired a new entertainer for this cruise. His name is Hank Austin (Brian Kerwin) and he’s a teacher-by-day and a dancer-by-night. Julie has never actually seen Hank perform but Hank’s agent assured Julie that he’s amazing. How will Julie (and Captain Stubing) react when Hank turns out to be a …. STRIPPER!?

Even more importantly, how will the head of Hank’s PTA react? Shelley (Christopher Norris) is also a passenger on the boat and she and Hank take an immediate liking to each other. Fortunately, for Hank, Shelley does not see his performance but afterwards, she tells Hank that she’s heard a lot of people talking about how there’s a male stripper on the ship. Hank laughs it off. But then Julie walks up to Shelley and starts to complain about Hank’s act, which is seriously immature of her. I mean, Julie doesn’t even know Shelley but Julie still acts like she’s morally offended that Shelley would associate with someone with whom Julie is upset. It’s seriously out-of-character for Julie and it made me wonder if maybe Julie picked up some coke when the ship was docked at Acapulco.

Don’t worry, though. Julie eventually apologizes for lashing out and Shelley and Hank leave the ship together. From now on, the only stripping that Hank will be doing will be at PTA meetings.

Things also work out for Frank Dalton (Flip Wilson). Frank boards the ship and tells Isaac that he changed Frank’s life. Isaac has no idea who Frank is. Frank explains that he took the same cruise last year. He had a fight with his wife and went into the Pirate’s Cove for a drink. Frank told Isaac his problems. Isaac told him that sometimes, a man just has to put his foot down. Frank took Isaac’s advice and, as a result, his wife left him. Now, Frank is single and suicidal. Isaac tries to set Frank up with some other passengers. When that doesn’t work, Isaac calls Frank’s ex-wife and convinces her to board the boat in Acapulco and take him back. Frank and Janet (Marla Gibbs) are reunited. Good work, Isaac!

Finally, a jewel thief named Jim Pickett (Michael Zaslow) boards the boat. He just wants to steal a valuable necklace but instead, he ends up falling in love with Lilia Chandler (Joan Van Ark). When Jim does steal a necklace from Mrs. Landers (Henny Backus), he gives it to Lila. However, when it looks like Jim’s going to get caught by the Captain, Lila gives the necklace back to Mrs. Landers. It turns out that Lila is a jewel thief as well! She was going to let Jim steal the necklace for her but then she fell in love with him. The two reformed thieves leave the ship as a couple.

This was a weird episode because there was no laugh track. There was several moments where it was obvious that a laugh track was meant to be heard but instead of canned laughter, there was only dead air. It made the entire episode feel a bit awkward. Laugh tracks are definitely dork and corny but then again, so is The Love Boat. If anything, The Love Boat is one of the rare shows that benefitted from having a laugh track. It’s absence made the entire cruise feel weird.

As for the guest stars and their stories, I liked Michael Zaslow and Joan Van Ark. They had an enjoyable chemistry. The other two stories weren’t that interesting. The male stripper story only succeeded in making Julie look totally incompetent at her job. She got mad at Hank for being a stripper but did it seriously not occur to her to ask what type of dancing he actually did before booking him? As for the other story, it was just depressing. A laugh track would have helped….

This was just not a very good cruise, I’m afraid. It happens. Hopefully, next week will be better.

This week …. it’s one of the best episodes of The Love Boat ever!

Episode 4.18 “Aquaphobiac/Humpty Dumpty/The Starmaker”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on February 7th, 1981)

David Hasselhoff boards The Love Boat, for the second time!

This time around, the Hoff is playing Brian Kiley. Brian and Julie went to college together. Brian was the star quarterback and, as he explains it, he and Julie were a pretty serious couple at the time. But, in the end, Brian ended up marrying Julie’s roommate and his own playing days came to a premature end when he broke his arm. Now, he’s on the Love Boat and he wants to not only get back together with Julie but he also wants to make a comeback in the NFL!

Julie is tempted. How couldn’t she be tempted by the Hoff? But watching Brian talk about his glory days on the football field, she realizes that he’s living in the past and, to an extent, so is she. Brian is, at first, upset by Julie’s feelings but then he realizes that she’s right. He makes peace with his years as a famous quarterback and he leaves the boat not as Julie’s lover but as her good friend….

MY GOD, JULIE — IT’S THE HOFF IN HIS GLORY DAYS! WHO CARES IF HE TALKS ABOUT FOOTBALL!? CHASE AFTER HIM!

The Pointer Sisters also board the ship, this time as employees of the cruise. Isaac want to impress a talent agent (Jeff Cooper) so he recruits the sisters to serve as his backing vocalists. After seeing them perform, the talent agent is impressed but only by the sisters. They get a recording contract while Isaac …. well, Isaac goes back to pouring drinks. POOR ISAAC! But give credit to Ted Lange, who brought a lot of sincere feeling to what could have been a throwaway storyline.

Finally, Glenn Dobson (Louis Nye) and his fiancée, Vanessa (Audra Lindley), board the boat so that they can get to know each other before the wedding. Glenn has severe aquaphobia and cannot bring himself to take off his inflatable life jacket. Vanessa tries to help him conquer his fear but nothing helps. Glenn fears all the other passengers are laughing at him. So, the crew and the passengers all put on their own life jackets to show Glenn that he has nothing to be ashamed of.

“Tonight,” Stubing announces, “we are truly a boat of love.”

Awwwwww! Seriously, who would have guessed that The Love Boat would make me cry? This was such a sweet story and both Louis Nye and Audra Lindley really seemed to be invested in their characters. When Glenn finally removed his life vest and took a few stumbling steps into the pool, I wanted to cheer.

What a great cruise this turned out to be!