Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.2 “Heat Wave”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be purchased on Tubi.

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Episode 1.2 “Heat Wave”

(Dir by Gus Trikonis, originally aired on September 29th, 1989)

Not much of an episode this week, I’m afraid.

California is dealing with a heat wave and no one has air conditioning (really?) so everyone in Los Angeles is heading down to the beach so that they can relax in the hot sand.  Eddie and Trevor keep giving each other the side eye because Eddie is a Baywatch lifeguard and Trevor is a country club life guard.  Eddie tries to hit on a woman who has spent the entire day relaxing near his tower but it turns out that she’s visiting from Australia and only has eyes for Trevor.  “Maybe next time,” she tells Eddie.

Craig is told by his boss that he has to choose between being a lawyer at a big firm or a lifeguard.  Craig’s wife, Gina, suggests that Craig quit the law firm and become a beachfront lawyer.  She says that he can still be a lifeguard and he can just use their kitchen table as his desk.  I don’t know if I would be as understanding as Gina.  Craig was making a lot of money as a big corporate lawyer, even if he apparently couldn’t afford to get an air conditioner.

(What the Heck, California?  How are you surviving with air conditioning!?)

Meanwhile, two stupid kids get trapped in a storm drain.  Mitch sends the junior lifeguards out to look for them.  Hobie asks, “What can a bunch of junior lifeguards do?”  Mitch replies that this is an opportunity for the junior lifeguards to go to all the places that they’re usually not allowed to go.  So, basically, Mitch’s plan to find the missing kids is to put a bunch of other kids at risk.  I guess that’s why he’s the lieutenant.

Luckily, the two dumb kids are rescued.  One of the kids is the son of Steve Humboldt (Jeffrey Byron), a former Baywatch lifeguard.  It turns out that Steve lost custody of his kid in a court case and he basically abducted him.  But, after the kid nearly dies, Steve is like, “We’re going to call your mom and go home!” and that apparently makes everything okay under the “He Changed His Mind Afterwards” clause.

This was all pretty dumb.  Stay out of the storm drain, kids!  It’s not that difficult.

October Positivity: The Prodigal Planet (dir by Donald W. Thompson)


The last film in the Thief In the Night series, 1983’s The Prodigal Planet picks up where Image of the Beast left off.  Computer technician and post-Rapture Christian David Michaels (William Wellman, Jr.) is on the verge of being sent to the guillotine when he’s rescued by Connie (Terri Lynn Hall).  Connie may be wearing the uniform of UNITE and she may have the mark of the beast but she insists to David that she is actually on his side.  Not having much choice but to believe her, David joins Connie in a military grade RV.  They drive away from Des Moines just as a nuclear explosion takes out the whole city.

After seven years of being ruled over by Brother Christopher and the UN, the world is on the verge of ending.  (As the film’s narrators informs us, “Plane Earth is dying and the disease is sin.”)  Nuclear war has broken out, destroying cities and killing the majority of the citizens.  David is determined to get to Albuquerque, where he and a group of Christians plan to wait for the final judgment.  Government agent Jerry (Thom Rachford), who is one of only two characters to have appeared in every Thief In The Night film, is close behind but both he and his men are starting to show the signs of radiation sickness.

(Russell Daughten also returns as the Rev. Matthew Turner, with his apocalypse chart that explains each step of the end of the world.  Daughten’s role is small in this one, which is a shame as his grim Santa Claus screen presence was one of the best things about Image of the Beast.)

Along with the remnants of UNITE and a few survivors who have yet to take the mark, the world is also populated by “mutants,” humans whose faces are permanently scarred by the radiation.  They dress like monks and stalk empty and deserted city streets.  Their goal is to destroy anyone who they believe is responsible for the end of the world.  David and Connie rescue a scientist named Linda (Lynda Beatie) and her teenage daughter, Jodi (Cathy Wellman), from a group of mutants.  Linda is wracked with guilt because she previously put all her faith in science.  Jodi is bitter over how the world has turned out and, initially, she’s upset when David allows a mutant named Jimmy (Robert Chestnut) to join them in their journey.

With The Prodigal Planet, it’s obvious that director Donald W. Thompson had hopes of setting up an epic conclusion for the Thief in the Night films.  Not only does the film move the action out of Iowa and into other parts of the country but the film also runs for 127 minutes.  (By comparison, A Thief In The Night barely last over an hour.)  Unfortunately, most of that running time is taken up with David talking and trying to convert everyone that he meets.  On the one hand, considering what’s going on in the film’s world, it makes sense that David would do that.  On the other hand, it doesn’t exactly make for exciting viewing.  A film that features nuclear explosions and mutants should never be this slow or boring.  If the previous Thief In The Night films achieved a dream-like intensity, The Prodigal Planet dutifully plods along.  For every scene that works (like an extended sequence in which Linda and Jodi explore a city that isn’t as deserted as it first appears), there are other dramatically inert scenes that encourage the viewer to just about anything other than pay attention to what is happening on the screen.

(It doesn’t help that William Wellman, Jr. — despite appearing to be the only professional actor in this film — displays a bit of a blah screen presence in the role of David.  The scene where he tells Jodi that she’s spoiled because she’s pretty fails not because he’s necessarily wrong about Jodi as much as because Wellman can’t make David’s “tough love” approach compelling.  He just comes across as being a jerk.  The series was better off when the less polished but far more sincere Patty Dunning was the lead character.  As for Wellman, he was far more interesting as the morally conflicted national guardsman in The Trial of Billy Jack than he is here.)

Donald W. Thompson hoped to make a fifth Thief In the Night film, one that would feature The War in Heaven and bring the story to its prophesized conclusion.  Unfortunately (or not), he was never able to raise the money to do so.  And, as such, the saga of UNITE, Brother Christopher, and David Michaels came to a close with The Prodigal Planet.