Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 3.23 “Heavy Date”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark are back in Los Angeles.

Episode 3.23 “Heavy Date”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on March 18th, 1987)

Jonathan and Mark’s latest assignment finds them in Los Angeles, where they share an apartment in a building that is managed by Marge Davis (Peggy Pope).  Marge, a widow, is upset that her son, Gary (Patrick O’Bryan), doesn’t seem to have any direction in life.  When Gary loses his job, Marge kneels down and puts her head in the oven.  Uhmm …. okay.  Suicide humor, that’s great, I guess.

Alice Hartman (Lorie Griffin) shows up in Los Angeles and takes an apartment in the building.  Alice is seven months pregnant.  Her mother has created a cover story, that Alice has gone to Europe for the summer.  Instead, Alice has gone to Los Angeles so she can have the baby and give it up for adoption without her father finding out.  Jonathan works his magic and manipulates Gary and Alice into falling in love.  When Alice has her baby, Gary asks her to marry him and says that he wants to help her raise the baby.  So, I guess the nice couple who wanted to adopt the baby are just out of luck.

This episode was a bit odd.  When Alice first comes to Los Angeles, she says she’s seven months pregnant.  The episode takes place over  a longer period of time than usual and Alice eventually has the baby.  At no point does Alice ever appear to be pregnant.  She wears baggy clothes but still, there’s only so much that an extra-large sweater can conceal when you’re that pregnant.  There was also a weird scene where Gary, pretending to be the baby’s biological father, lied to the adoptive parents and claimed that he was on probation and that his mother was in a mental institution.  The show played it for laughs but again, the couple seemed so nice and happy about the idea of adopting that Gary’s lies just felt cruel.  And, for a show that was all about an angel on a mission from God, it’s interesting that Gary’s actions went unpunished.  If anything, he was rewarded for them.

(Seriously, the couple that wanted to adopt Alice baby, they were so nice!  That the episode just kind of pushed them aside really didn’t feel right.  I get that Jonathan and Mark’s assignment was to help Alice and Gary but Gary is kind of a jerk and Alice is kind of immature.  Whose going to help the Wallaces, who sincerely wanted to give the baby a good home?)

This episode was obviously heartfelt.  For once, Michael Landon is the sole credited writer so one gets the feeling that this episode’s story and message both meant a lot to him.  (That said, Landon’s approach to the story makes the message come across as being less pro-family and more anti-adoption.)   In the end, the main problem is that neither Gary nor Alice really seem worthy of all of the effort that Jonathan is putting into the assignment.  It’s hard not to feel that maybe Jonathan and Mark needed to help everyone out and not just Alice and Gary.

 

Film Review: Broken Arrow (dir by Delmer Daves)


The 1950 film, Broken Arrow, takes place in the years following the Civil War.

Having survived the war, frontier scout Tom Jeffords (James Stewart) just wants to get away from his fellow countrymen for a while.  During the Civil War, Jeffords saw the worst that humanity had to offer and the experience has left him cynical about the idea of bringing civilization to the American frontier.  Tom just wants to be left alone.  Still, when he comes across a 14 year-old Apache who has been shot in the back, Tom stops to help.  Though wounded, the Apache still tries to attack him.  He’s learned not to trust the white man.  Broken Arrow is a film that suggests that he has good reason not to.  Indeed, Broken Arrow was one of the first major Hollywood productions to attempt to treat the American Indians with sympathy and fairness.

Tom saves the Apache’s life and reunites him with his tribe.  When the Apaches attack and kill a group of nearby gold prospectors, they allow Tom to live but they warn him to stay out of their territory.  However, circumstances make it impossible for Tom to do that.  When Tom arrives in Tucson, the citizens are incredulous that he allowed the Apache child to live.  When Tom learns the Apache language and customs and marries an Apache woman named Sonseeahry (Debra Paget), it causes the other whites to distrust him even more.  However, it is Tom’s eventual friendship with the Apache chief Cochise (Jeff Chandler) that eventually lands Tom in the middle of the conflict between the Apaches who want to preserve their way of life and the white men who want their land.

Broken Arrow is a well-intentioned film, in the way that mildly liberal films from the 50s tended to be.  The U.S. government and its citizens are criticized for breaking their promises and their treaties to the Apache but the film’s ultimate message is one of compromise and understanding.  The bigoted whites may be the villains but then again, so is Geronimo (Jay Silverheels) for refusing to accept Cochise’s desire for peace.  Cochise is the film’s hero specifically because he calls for setting aside differences and living in peace with the white man, despite his own distrust of their leaders.  The majority of the extras were Apache, though Neither Jeff Chandler nor Debra Paget were of Native descent.  Both of them give good performances that largely avoid the stereotypes of the time.  Chandler received his only Oscar nomination, for Best Supporting Actor, for his performance in this film.

That said, the unnominated Jimmy Stewart dominates the film and that’s not really surprising.  (It should be noted that, while Stewart was not nominated for this film, he was nominated for his performance in Harvey, that same year.)  Stewart may have first found fame as the happy and go-lucky face of Middle America but his experiences in World War II left a definite mark on him.  He returned from the war a much more serious figure and every character that he played (even the lovable Elwood in Harvey) had more than a hint of melancholy to him.  Stewart plays Tom as being a troubled soul, someone who is still struggling to come to terms with the destruction and cruelty that he saw during the Civil War.  There’s an authenticity to Stewart’s performance, leaving little doubt that he understood exactly what Tom was going through.  Broken Arrow ends on a note of compromise and racial harmony but it’s a sad film because we know what waits in the future for Cochise and his people.  Tom Jeffords fights to bring peace to the frontier but it’s a peace that won’t last.  And, as played by Stewart, Tom seems to understand that better than anyone.

Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 2.12 “Jason’s Deal”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Yes, this is from the first season. I don’t care. I refuse to waste my time looking for a second season advertisement.

Jason humiliates himself again.

Episode 2.12 “Jason’s Deal”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on January 22nd, 1990)

I guess Jason’s supposed to be a rock star now.  His CD has been released and he’s given a $20,000 advance by a guy (Christian Zimmerman) from the record company.  He proceeds to rent out an apartment of his own and spends a ton of money decorating it.  Will success spoil Jason Collins!?

Actually, failure spoils Jason Collins.  His CD only sells 70 copies and he’s dropped by the label.  He has to move back home.  Scott, Murray, and Alex are all angry because of the way he treated them when he thought he was a star.  He even lied so that he throw an industry party rather than hang out with his brother and their dorky friends.  Of course, the party was attended by Jason’s record company boss so maybe some understanding is in order here.  Scott, Murray, and Alex forgive him but only after reading, in the paper, that Jason has been dropped by the record company.  Would an obscure, generic singer getting dropped by a record company really be front page news?

(Speaking of which, maybe Jason’s CD would have sold if he and the record company had actually done something to …. oh, I don’t know, PROMOTE IT!?  Jason doesn’t go on the radio.  He doesn’t go on tour.  He doesn’t go on TRL.  Seriously, Jason, what did you think was going to happen?)

Meanwhile, Lisa (the character, not me) acts like a total bitch because her friends is dating Traycee.  Believe me, I don’t like tossing that word around (especially as an insult) but there’s really no other way to describe Lisa’s behavior.  Lisa’s friend, Curtis (James Castle Stevens), really likes Traycee and Lisa’s reaction is to act like a stuck-up snob.  Curtis is an environmentalist and Traycee is keeping him from saving the rain forest!  Or maybe Curtis is just realizing that there’s nothing one person can do to save the rain forest and, since he’s kind of a wimpy nerdy guy, he should enjoy life while he’s still young.  Either way, it’s really none of Lisa’s business.

Oh, this storyline annoyed me!  It’s a little bit difficult to fairly judge anyone’s performance on Malibu CA.  That said, Brandon Brooks, Priscilla Inga Taylor, and Edward Blatchford all manage to give decent performance despite the bad dialogue and dumb plotting.  Trevor Merszei (who played Scott) is giving a considerably better performance during the second season than he did during the first.  Meanwhile, Marquita Terry (who plays Lisa) is consistently terrible in a way that’s noticeable even by the standards of a Peter Engel-produced sitcom.

Eventually, Tracyee encourages her friend to go to the rain forest and Jason moves back home.  So, Jason will not be a rock star and Scott will not be going to the Olympics.  Instead, they’re destined to forever be busboys in their father’s restaurant.  It couldn’t happen to a group of more deserving people.

Rest in Peace, Joe Don Baker


I knew this day was going to come, due to his advanced age and the fact that it had been a while since he had appeared in a film (his final appearance was a wonderful supporting role in Jeff Nichols’s Mud), but it’s still pains me to say goodbye to Joe Don Baker.

As a fan of grindhouse cinema, as a fan of the classic Bond films, as a fan of Texas actors, and as a fellow graduate of UNT who used to enjoy eating at that Denton Whataburger that had his picture painted on the wall, I will have a special place in my heart for Joe Don Baker and the entertaining, if often ridiculous, films that he made.

He was 89 years old when he was passed away on May 7th.  They don’t make ’em like Joe Don anymore.

Here he is in 1973’s Walking Tall, enforcing justice with a big stick.

Rest in peace.  I’ll be watching Mitchell in your memory.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.28 “A Dress To Remember”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time set sail for adventure!

Episode 5.28 “A Dress To Remember”

(Dir by Robert Scheerer, originally aired on May 8th, 1982)

This week’s episode features three stories and one dress.

The dress, a lovely blue gown, is brought on board by diet doctor Dr. Alfred Farney (Kelly Monteith), who claims that his “muskmullet” diet will lead to Donna Baker (Markie Post) losing 10 pound by the end of the cruise.  The proof will be that Donna will be able to fit into the dress.  Alfred’s former partner-turned-rival Dr. Tucker Martin (Lyle Waggoner) is also on the ship and his plan is to tempt Donna into eating so much that she’ll instead gain 11 pounds and the dress will rip.  Boooo!  Shame on both of those doctors!  Seriously, Donna looks miserable for the entire cruise.  That said, despite the efforts of Dr. Martin, Donna still loses the weight …. in fact, she loses even more than 10 pounds.  She loses 11!  Doctors Farney and Martin agree to partner up again and Donna, who looks like she’s about to faint, suggests that they celebrate over pizza.  The doctors make some money and Donna gets an eating disorder but at least the dress looks good.

That dress goes through a lot over the course of one episode.  For some reason, Gopher and Isaac have been tasked with keeping it safe.  Why would you trust those two with something important?  Actually, Isaac is usually pretty smart and Gopher’s actually been behaving a bit more like a professional than usual this season so I guess they were just having an off-cruise.

Norman Lomax (Bob Denver) wears the dress (and a wig) to keep his ex-father-in-law, Tom (Forrest Tucker), from recognizing him.  Tom must be an idiot because Bob Denver in a wig and dress still looks and sounds like Bob Denver.  Norman’s ex-wife, Nancy (Brianne Leary), is also on the cruise.  Norman tries to win her back.

Finally, Tom falls for Rosie Strickland (Eleanor Parker), who makes her living selling flowers to people boarding the cruise.  When Rosie’s daughter (Catherine Parkes,) shows up, Rosie doesn’t want her to know that Rosie isn’t rich.  So, the Captain gives her the dress to wear and helps Rosie pretend to be a rich woman.  Fortunately, it turns out that Rosie’s daughter loves her regardless of whether or not she’s rich.  And so does Tom!

Myself, I’m a little bit concerned by the fact that the Captain just gave away a piece of clothing that belonged to one of the passengers.  That doesn’t really seem very professional and it kind of goes against everything that we know about Captain Stubing.  He’s a good man but he’s not exactly a rule-breaker.  That said, everything works out in the end.  Stubing even gets to perform a triple wedding.

The third story, I actually liked it.  It’s heart was in the right place, even if it was basically just a remake of Lady For a Day.  Eleanor Parker actually gave a really good performance, finding some much needed reality in Rosie’s character.  The other two stories were pretty forgettable (or, in Bob Denver’s case, annoying) but Eleanor Parker’s story made up for both of them, making this a very nice and ultimately rather touching cruise.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Sofia Coppola Edition


4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

Today is the birthday of one of my favorite American directors, the one and only Sofia Coppola!  In honor of this day, here are….

4 Shots From 4 Sofia Coppola Films

The Virgin Suicides (1999, dir by Sofia Coppola, DP: Edward Lachman)

Lost In Translation (2003, dir by Sofia Coppola, DP: Lance Acord)

Marie Antoinette (2006, dir by Sofia Coppola, DP: Lance Acord)

The Bling Ring (2013, dir by Sofia Coppola, DP: Harry Savides and Christopher Blauvelt)

Scenes That I Love: Michael J. Fox Invents Rock and Roll in Back To The Future


Today, the Shattered Lens wishes a very happy birthday to the great Robert Zemeckis.  Today’s scene that I love comes from Zemeckis’s 1985 film, Back to the Future.

Did you know that rock and roll was invented by a time traveler?  Well, let’s not overthink things.  Let’s just enjoy the scene.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 2.4 “Bangers”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, Victor gets a plot.

Episode 2.4 “Bangers”

(Dir by Charles Siebert, originally aired on September 14th, 1996)

Victor del Toro, who often doesn’t get to do much on this show, finally gets a storyline of his very own.  Unfortunately, it involves trying to keep a young man for his old neighborhood from joining a gang.  One thing that you can always count on whenever you watch any sort of cop show from the 90s, if there’s a Latino cop in the cast, he’s going to have to keep someone from joining a gang.  It was one of the biggest cliches on the 90s.

And don’t get me wrong.  Gangs are a reality in America and they are a problem.  At the same time, though, is there a reason why every time a Latino appeared on a show like this, they always seemed to either be in a gang or on the verge of joining a gang?  Not every Latino family is poor, not every young Latino male is struggling with the pressure to join a gang, and for that matter, not every Latino with a tattoo is a member of a street gang.

While Victor dealt with the gangs moving into the neighborhood, Chris and Corey decided to rent an apartment together.  Needless to say, things didn’t go well.  Corey reveals that she is hyperorganized and likes to keep every surface in the apartment clean and spotless.  (I don’t really see what that’s a problem.)  Chris is revealed to be a slob who hangs her clothes around the kitchen and who pours a box of cereal out on the floor because she’s tired of Corey always cleaning.  Isn’t Chris supposed to be a hotshot fighter pilot?  I mean, up until this episode, there was absolutely nothing about her character that would suggest that she was incapable of picking up her clothes.  I would think that, being a member of the Air Force, she would actually have had some sort of discipline drilled into her.  It’s kind of like how soldiers still tend to stand at attention even while visiting their families.  Anyway, this storyline ends with Chris throwing food around the apartment and Corey grabbing a pair of scissors and attacking Chris’s laundry …. wait, what?  I’m sorry, this is psychotic behavior.

Don’t worry, though.  Chris and Corey share a laugh about it and agree to remain friends but not roommates.  Uhm, Chris …. Corey took a pair of scissors to your clothes.  I mean, I don’t like sloppy people either but I generally don’t try to destroy their possessions.

Of course, the main problem with this episode is the same problem that all of the episodes have had.  They’re cops on bikes!  They wear shorts and polo shirts and they spend all of their  time insisting that they’re real cops even though it’s obvious that they aren’t.  Real cops don’t ride bicycles with baskets on the back.

This episode did not leave me with much confidence in California law enforcement.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.16 “Eternal Flame/My Date With Burt”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, our trip is all about getting older.

Episode 6.16 “Eternal Flame/My Date With Burt”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on March 5th, 1983)

When I first saw that one of the fantasies this week was called “My Date With Burt,” my immediate assumption was that someone would come to Fantasy Island and demand to go on a date with Burt Reynolds.  I was actually looking forward to seeing if Burt would play himself or if they would just have some stand-in who was always shot from behind.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.

The Burt in this case is Burt Hunter (Ron Ely), an actor who is the latest to be cast as a James Bond-type of secret agent.  Margaret Winslow (Sandra Dee) has a crush on him and wants to meet him.  For his part, Burt is depressed because he’s getting older and the producers of his films want to replace him with a younger actor.  At first, Burt just goes out with Margaret in order to generate some publicity for himself.  He hires a stuntman to fake a fight so that Burt can emerge as a big ol’ hero.  Burt is trying to save his career but Margaret is not amused by any of that.  Margaret realizes that films are not real life.  Margaret’s pretty old to only now be figuring that out.  Anyway, Margaret and Burt still fall in love and leave the Island together.

This fantasy was predictable but it did give us one of those fun Tattoo subplots where Tattoo claimed to be Burt Hamilton’s best friend and tried to get involved in managing his career.  Tattoo always had a side hustle going and good for him!  One gets the feeling that Roarke didn’t pay him that much.  Seriously, Tattoo was always trying to find a way to make more money.  Pay the man what he’s worth, Mr. Roarke!

Our other fantasy features Linwood Bolton and Randi Oakes as Alex and Diana Weston, two newlyweds who want to find the Fountain of Youth so that they can be young and in love forever.  Yay!  Roarke has them take a dip in a pool and, when they emerge, they’re on an isolated island that is ruled over by Ra-Mas (Alex Cord) and Maatira (the great Stella Stevens).  Maatira will let them drink from the fountain but there’s a catch …. one of the cups is full of poison!  Alex can be eternally young and he can be spend the rest of eternity as Maatira’s lover but Diana has to die.  And Diana does die.  Luckily, the water from the fountain can also bring people back to life.

This was a weird fantasy and you really do have to wonder what would have happened if Alex hadn’t come to his senses and if Diana hadn’t been revived.  Would Roarke have just shrugged and told Tattoo to burn Diana’s passport?  It just doesn’t seem like that would be good for business.  That said, Stella Stevens was an actress who was always willing to embrace the melodrama and she does so here, keeping things somewhat entertaining.

This was a pleasant if not particularly memorable trip to the Island.