I went to the same high school as Jessica Simpson!
Of course, I didn’t go there at the same time that Jessica did. Jessica was long gone by the time I started the 9th grade. As well, I actually graduated while Jessica dropped out so she could become a super-rich celebrity instead. That said, I did take a few classes that were taught by Jessica’s former teachers, who all agreed that Jessica was a sweet person. To be honest, most of my classmates made a big deal about being kind of cynical about going to the same high school as Jessica Simpson. You’re never more jaded than you are between the ages of 13 and 18. Myself, I’ve always liked Jessica Simpson because we’re both from Texas and we both occasionally play dumb for the laughs.
Anyway, this song was written when Jessica was going through a very public divorce from Nick Lachey. It’s an empowerment song that also happens to be really depressing, which is really the best type of song there is. There’s something to be said for a good depressing song and a good depressing video.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.
This week, the bicycle mayhem continues.
Episode 2.15 “Black Pearl”
(Dir by Terence H. Winkless, originally aired on January 5th, 1997)
TC arrests a woman named Alana (Angela Shelton) on drug and assault charges, just to discover that she’s an undercover DEA agent. TC fears that Alana is in over her head and he tells Alana’s superior, Enright (John Michael Bolger) that he needs to pull her out of the operation. Enright is like, “Whatever, bicycle boy.”
And, to be honest, I think Enright kind of has a point. Why are the bicycle cops always trying to tell other law enforcement agencies what to do? Every episode, either TC or Palermo and Chris gets a really angry look in their eyes and starts barking out orders at people they barely know. It’s bad enough that they ride bicycles. Do they have to act like a bunch of self-righteous pricks as well?
Speaking of bicycles, Victor has to get recertified to be a bike cop. Uh-oh, sounds like Victor could lose his job! Even worse, Victor’s partner in this episode is Chris so not only is Victor in danger of getting fired but he has to spend an entire week listening to Chris put him down. Seriously, there are few characters in the history of television that I dislike as much as I dislike Chris Kelly. Chris is the type who dismisses everyone’s problems before then launching into her hundredth monologue about how much it sucks going from being an Air Force pilot to a bike cop.
Victor trains with Hans Rhey. In this episode, everyone is like, “Oh my God, Hans Rey!” I had no idea who Hans Rey was. I looked him up after this episode and apparently, he was a superstar on the bicycle circuit. Hans does a lot of clunky bike tricks As was so often the case withe professional athletes who played themselves on shows like this, he wasn’t much of an actor. If anything, this episode reminded me of how stupid most people look riding their bicycles in the middle of the street.
Victor gets recertified. Alana ends up dead. Presumably, TC’s upset but since the actor playing him was only capable of one fascial expression, it can be hard to tell. In the end, the real tragedy remains how dorky everyone looks on the bicycles.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.
(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on November 12th, 1983)
This is an odd episode. Both of the stories deal with love. In one of them, Lee Meriwether plays a woman who is in love with her butler, Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. She comes to Fantasy Island with a group of friends, all of whom are very judgmental about the idea of Meriwether dating a member of the help. Mr. Roarke deals with the situation by threatening to reveal all of their secrets. He explains that he does a thorough background check on everyone who comes to Fantasy Island. I’m not sure if I buy that because some really bad folks have come to the Island. Anyway, this story ends with Zimbalist starting to loosen up and Meriwether saying that she was going to continue to train him to be her boyfriend once they returned to the mainland. I’m not sure if this is so much a love story as much as it’s a “I want to have sex with someone who I pay so they can’t ever say no” story.
The other story is a bit more interesting. Julie Mars (Cyd Charisse, who I adore) is a dancer who walks with a cane. It turns out that she and Roarke have been in love for years and the implication is that Roarke spent time with her off of the Island. This is really a big deal. It goes against everything that has always been implied about Roarke in the past. Roarke never leaves the Island, that’s what we believed. It turns out we were wrong. He’s not only left the Island before but he’s fallen in love. Julie’s fantasy is to be able to dance again. Roarke grants her fantasy and Edmond Rome (Cesar Romero) wants to puts her in a show. Roarke knows that the only way Julie can continue to dance is if she forgets the love that she has for Roarke. That doesn’t quite make sense but Roarke just goes with it. She leaves the Island, acting as if Roarke is just a friendly acquaintance as opposed to being the love of her life.
That was sad! What made it especially sad is that Roarke doesn’t really have anyone to talk about all of this. Tattoo was close enough to being an equal that Roarke could open up to him. Lawrence is just a butler. Some people confide in their butler. Some people — as seen in this very episode — fall in love with their butler. Roarke, however, is lost without Tattoo.
4 Or More Shots From 4 Or More Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!
On this date, 113 years ago, Samuel Fuller was born in Massachusetts. Before he became a filmmaker, Fuller was a crime reporter and a pulp novelist. His films were often melodramatic and unapologetically sordid. They were also often dismissed when they were initially released but almost all of them were subsequently rediscovered by audiences who appreciated Fuller’s striking visuals and the often subversive subtext to be found underneath the surface of his genre films.
Today, we celebrate Fuller’s legacy with….
4 Shots From 4 Sam Fuller Films
Forty Guns (1957, dir by Samuel Fuller, DP: Joseph Biroc)
Shock Corridor (1963, dir by Samuel Fuller, DP: Stanley Cortez
The Naked Kiss (1964, dir by Samuel Fuller, DP: Stanley Cortez)
The Big Red One (1980, dir by Samuel Fuller, DP: Adam Greenberg)
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!
This week, not Ponch can smile his way out of the darkness.
Episode 4.8 “Wheels of Justice”
(Dir by Gordon Hessler, originally aired on December 21st, 1980)
The streets of Los Angeles are dangerous in this week’s episode.
Stan West (Basil Hoffman) is a reckless driver who is constantly causing accidents by driving too fast and making unsafe lane changes. He gets away with it because he keeps changing his name.
Arthur Holmes (Joshua Bryant) is a drunk who Jon and Ponch have pulled over several times. Arthur gets away with it by claiming, after every accident, that his wife was the one driving, Denise (Christine Belford) goes along with it, even though she hates the fact that she’s enabling her husband.
A group of cheerleaders drive around and do their cheers while driving!
Finally, a gas leak at the hospital leads to all the newborn babies being loaded into an ambulance for transport. When the ambulance is side-swiped by Stan, the babies end up at the station. Getraer gives everyone a lesson on how to properly soothe a crying baby. It’s cute but it’s also so manipulative that it leaves you feeling oddly used. But, hey, at least it’s cute!
This episode of CHiPs took a serious turn towards the end when the drunk driver swerved to avoid the cheerleaders and the end result is that his wife was thrown from the car and killed. When the car was shown crashing in slow motion, the wife’s mannequin actually fell out of the car. While I imagine that was probably not planned, it still created a memorably macabre image. In the end, Arthur ends up sobbing while Denise lies dead just a few feet away from him. That’s a pretty dark ending for an episode of CHiPs. Not even a quick scene of the officers holding the babies could change the fact that this was a really downbeat episode.
And you know what? There’s nothing wrong with that. Driving drunk is selfish, stupid, and dangerous and CHiPs deserves some credit for not holding back.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show can be purchased on Prime!
This week, Castillo goes undercover!
Episode 4.15 “Indian Wars”
(Dir by Leon Ichaso, originally aired on February 26th, 1988)
The Vice Squad is trying to take down Colombian drug dealer Acosta (Joe Lala). Acosta does not trust gringos so Crockett can’t pretend to be Burnett this week. Instead, he’s temporarily promoted to head of the Vice Squad while Castillo goes undercover. Castillo explains to his bosses that, as a Latino, he’s the only one who can do it. I’m not sure that I really buy Castillo’s argument. Do you mean to tell me that, in Miami, there’s only one Latino detective working Vice? If that’s true, someone really needs to talk to whoever is in charge of giving the detectives their assignments.
Acosta is soon taken out of the picture and replaced by the even more evil Levec (played by the great character actor, Joe Turkel). Castillo discovers that both Acosta and Levec are being attacked by a paramilitary force that is made up of Native Americans. Tubbs goes undercover as an anthropologist and discovers that the local Indian chief has made a deal with the drug dealers and his son (Patrick Bishop) is not happy about it. However, it turns out that the chief’s son is actually an aspiring drug lord himself and that his whole vigilante act is really just his way of getting rid of the competition.
This was not a bad episode, particularly when compared to some of the other episodes that aired during the fourth season. Joe Turkel made for a great villain and the scenes of the Indians attacking the drug dealers were properly atmospheric. The episode even includes a small homage to the final showdown from Scarface. Philip Michael Thomas was mildly amusing when he pretended to be a nerdy anthropologist. Meanwhile, Don Johnson was barely in this episode at all. This episode was all about Edward James Olmos’s smoldering intensity as Castillo.
Again, it wasn’t a bad episode but it still felt like it was missing something. As with so much of season 4, it felt like the show was just growing through the motions. In this case, it went through those motions with a bit more skill than it did in some of the season’s other installments. This episode didn’t feature any aliens or any bull semen. That made it a definite improvement over at least two season 4 episodes. Still, this episode largely felt like MiamiVice on autopilot.
4 Or More Shots From 4 Or More Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!
78 years ago on this date, director Stuart Gordon was born in Chicago, Illinois. Gordon went from experimental theater to feature films and was responsible for some of the most visually memorable horror films of the past century. Perhaps no other American director was a strong interpreter of the work of H.P. Lovecraft than Stuart Gordon.
Today, we honor Stuart Gordon with….
4 Shots From 4 Stuart Gordon Films
Re-Animator (1985, dir by Stuart Gordon, DP: Marc Ahlberg)
Dolls (1987, dir by Stuart Gordon, DP: Marc Ahlberg)
The Pit and the Pendulum (1991, dir by Stuart Gordon. DP: Adolfo Bartoli)
Castle Freak (1994, dir by Stuart Gordon, DP: Mario Vulpiani)
Today would have been director Stuart Rosenberg’s 98th birthday. Our scene of the day come from one of Rosenberg’s best-known and best-remembered films, 1967’s Cool Hand Luke.
This is a scene that featured the line that’s been kept alive by cops, drill sergeants, and angry teachers to this day.
Through the Shattered Lens 