The Loan Arranger”

Posted on May 1, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Oh, hey, Charo’s back.

Episode 4.15 “First Voyage, Last Voyage/April, the Ninny/The Loan Arranger”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on January 17th, 1981)

April’s back!

Played by Charo, April Lopez was one of the few recurring characters on The Love Boat. Whereas other actors appeared frequently but always as different characters, Charo was always April whenever she boarded The Love Boat. The first time she boarded the ship, she did so as a stowaway. The next two times, she boarded as the cruise’s entertainment. This season, however, April boards as someone who has grown tired of show business. When last we saw her, April was in love with a guy named Tex and planning on playing Las Vegas. However, when April boards this time, she quickly informs both Julie and Isaac that she and Tex are no longer a couple and Vegas didn’t work out because she was expected to play her guitar while naked.

(“They could have at least gotten you a cello,” Isaac replies.)

April wants a new career, which she gets when she meets Ty Younger (Larry Linville), who is wealthy but who also has two bratty kids who are always chasing off their nannies. They can’t chase off April, who understands that the best way to calm a bratty child is to grab your guitar and sing to them at night. April gives up show business to become a nanny but I don’t think it’ll last. April is too impulsive to settle down, and Ty’s kids really are the worst. (As well, Charo and Larry Linville didn’t exactly generate a lot of heat in their scenes together.) April may leave the boat with a new family but hopefully, she’ll return alone in the fifth season.

Speaking of the worst, Cindy Simmons (Maureen McCormick) is dying but her parents (Ty Hardin and Kathleen Nolan) haven’t gotten around to telling her yet. Cindy thinks that she’s made a full recovery from her recent illness. Her parents don’t want to upset Cindy but when Cindy meets and falls in love with Paul Harris (Jay Thomas), they realize that they’re going to have to tell Cindy the truth. Poor Cindy! Fortunately, this is The Love Boat and Paul isn’t going to let a little thing like impending death get in the way of romance. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve seen Maureen McCormick on both The Love Boat and Fantasy Island. For this episode, McCormick does a pretty good job with her role and she and Jay Thomas make for an attractive couple.

“I guess I’m still getting my sea legs,” Cindy says to Paul.

“Your legs look mighty fine to me,” Paul replies.

That’s about as witty as things get on this cruise.

Finally, Joey (Richard Kline) is a mob enforcer who has been sent to collect a debt owed by Tony Patacchio, a gambling addict. However, Joey gets distracted when he meets a woman named Antoinette (Lisa Hartman) who enjoys gambling. Joey falls for Antoinette and, unable to find Tony, he even spends the night in her cabin. Hmmm …. Tony …. Antoinette …. Toni….

Yes, Joey has fallen in love with the person he was supposed to rough up. Fortunately, Joey is willing to fix a poker game so that Toni can win enough of his money to pay off her debt. When Toni realizes that Joey lost his money to her on purpose, she declares that she can’t take his money. “If we were married,” Joey says, “It would be our money.”

Richard Kline is not a particularly believable debt collector. (Tony Soprano would have tossed him in a dumpster.) It’s also strange that his boss would send him to collect a debt without bothering to give him a physical description of the person he was supposed to intimidate. The whole storyline was full of holes but I’m surprised to say that I did end up rooting Kline and Hartman to get together. The two of them had enough chemistry to overcome the fact that their story made very little sense.

Previously, whenever Charo was a guest star, she dominated the entire episode, for better or worse. With this episode, she seems kind of bored with the whole thing, as if Charo was just as fed up with show business as April. Instead, it was Maureen McCormick and Jay Thomas who dominated the episode with Richard Kline and Lisa Hartman also getting their share of good scenes. It makes for a bit of an uneven episode but I defy anyone not to feel something when Paul declares that he wants to spend the rest of Cindy’s life with her. Mixing romantic melodrama and goofy comedy is what made The Love Boat a treasure of American pop culture.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.16 “Chorus Girl/Surrogate Father”

Posted on March 12, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

This week, Mr. Roarke is almost too clever for his own good.

Episode 4.16 “Chorus Girl/Surrogate Father”

(Dir by Richard Benedict, originally aired on February 21st, 1981)

Weird episode, this week.

Our first story features John Saxon, playing the role of Evan Watkins. Evan is a compulsive gambler and his fantasy is to make one huge score. Accompanying Evan is his young daughter, Amy (Nicole Eggert). Her fantasy is for Evan to give up gambling and start acting like a real father. On the Island, Evan and Amy meet Margo (Rosemary Forsyth), a social worker whose fantasy is to really make a difference in the life of someone who is in trouble. Basically, Mr. Roarke takes all three fantasies and just crams them together.

So, Evan does win big but then some gangsters show up, searching for him. And Amy does get her wish but not before Evan nearly abandons his family. And Margo, after some initial hesitation, falls in love with Evan and leaves the Island with him and Amy. It all works out but it still seems dangerous to mix together a bunch of fantasies like that. If one thing had gone wrong, Roarke would have been left with three unhappy customers instead of just one.

This fantasy was pretty predictable but it did give Herve Villechaize a chance to actually do something more than just stand around and ask Mr. Roarke questions. The scene where Tattoo comforts Amy by explaining that her father may be a man on the outside but is still just a scared child on the inside was wonderfully acted by Villechaize and rather sweet. Villechaize was notoriously difficult on the set of Fantasy Island and was reportedly always on the verge of being fired for his behavior but, in this scene, he demonstrates why he was so important to the show. Mr. Roarke may be the owner of Fantasy Island but Tattoo is the heart.

The second fantasy is kind of creepy. Sheila Richards (Lisa Hartman) has been deaf since birth. She was raised by Franklin Adams (Stuart Whitman), who taught her how to dance. Unfortunately, Sheila can only dance by watching Franklin’s hand signals. Franklin’s fantasy is for Sheila to be able to hear for a weekend so she can audition for a world-famous choreographer. Franklin also wants to tell Sheila that he’s in love with her.

There’s a few problems here. Franklin is in his 50s while Sheila is in her 20s and has basically been dependent on him for her entire life. Franklin wants Sheila to hear him when he says, “I love you!” but he also goes to the Island with the knowledge that, at the end of the weekend, Sheila will again lose her hearing. It seems a bit cruel on Franklin’s part to put Sheila through all that when 1) he knows sign language and 2) Sheila can read lips. There’s nothing stopping Franklin from telling her how he feels.

The other problem is that the episode doesn’t seem to understand that there are many dancers who are hearing-impaired. Because they learn the choreography and can feel the vibrations of the music, they are fully capable of dancing without being dependent on someone signing to the them from the audience. One does not need to hear the music to be able to dance to it. Instead, one just has to be able to keep time and remember the choreography.

Anyway, as you can probably guess, Sheila falls in love with the world-famous choreographer, leaving Franklin heart-broken. However, at the end of the episode, Mr. Roarke introduces Franklin to a teenage girl who lives on the Island. Roarke explains that she’s deaf and asks Franklin to look after her while she goes to school in New York. Franklin agrees with a quickness that is a bit …. icky.

This whole fantasy felt like a mess, from Franklin’s oddly-conceived fantasy to the fact that Lisa Hartman was in no way convincing as someone who can’t hear. Whether Sheila can hear or not, the one thing that remains consistent is Hartman’s overacting. Even the usually reliable Ricardo Montalban seems to be annoyed by the whole fantasy.

This was a weird trip to the Island. What will next week’s journey reveal?

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.19 “The Swinger/Terrors of the Mind”

Posted on October 17, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, Fantasy Island swings!

Episode 3.19 “The Swinger/Terrors of the Mind”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on February 9th, 1980)

This week, we have one fun fantasy and one fantasy that’s a bit less interesting.

The less interesting fantasy features Herman Dodge (Howard Morris), a middle-aged man who is upset because he feels that he was too old to take part in the sexual revolution of the 60s and 70s. Having just gotten a divorce from Maxine (Anne Francis), Herman comes to the Island with his best friend, Stan (Jack Carter). Herman wants to be a swinger so Mr. Roarke makes him look a few years younger and then he takes him to the “Fantasy Island Mariana, where all the swingers hang out.”

Looks like a happening place!

Herman is soon the most popular guy at the marina and he even has a new girlfriend named Peggy (Judy Landers). Unfortunately, Duke (Lou Richards) and his friend, Hot Dog (Ed Ruffalo), are threatened by Herman’s sudden popularity. Herman is challenged to various “water sports,” (yes, I snickered) and Herman manages to hold his own but he’s not sure if he’ll be able to jump over a speedboat while on skis. Fortunately, Maxine shows up on the Island and Herman realizes that he not only loves her but he also enjoys being a part of the older, more conservative generation.

It’s a typical Fantasy Island fantasy, designed to appeal to the older viewers who weren’t sure what was going on with those wild and crazy kids. It was okay but it wasn’t particularly interesting.

Far more interesting was the other fantasy, in which Sharon Sanders (Lisa Hartman) comes to the Island from a small town and asks to be given the chance to see the future. Mr. Roarke gives her a diamond ring. When she concentrates on the diamond, she gets a vision of the future. Her first vision is of Martin Ward (Frankie Avalon) getting run over by a drunk driver. Sharon saves Martin’s life and the two of them fall in love. The Fantasy Island casino makes one of its rare appearances as Sharon uses the ring to win a lot of money at Roulette. But then Sharon sees a vision of an older man (Stephen McNally) strangling her and the fantasy is no longer fun.

Sharon wants to leave the Island and end her fantasy. Mr. Roarke replies that he cannot cancel a fantasy once it has begun, despite the fact that he’s done or offered to do that many times in the past for other guests. (I sometimes suspect that Mr. Roarke makes things up as he goes along.)

Anyway, the older man turns out to be the owner of the casino. He wants to murder Sharon because he can’t afford to pay her gambling winnings. Fortunately, when he does attack Sharon, Martin pops up out of nowhere and saves her life. Yay!

(So, I guess the casino is going to be closed now? And I thought Mr. Roarke owned the casino. Who knows? The Island is a confusing place.)

Sharon, having learned that the world is a dangerous place, returns to her hometown with Martin. Martin says they’re going to settle down together. Mr. Roarke says that he hopes Sharon has learned a lesson about taking fate into her own hands and not worrying about what the future holds, which doesn’t make much sense considering that Sharon’s future would have included being murdered if she hadn’t worried about it.

Though the fantasy becomes less logical the more I think about it, it was still an enjoyable one. Lisa Hartman and Frankie Avalon had a surprising amount of chemistry and the scene where the killer chased Sharon into a cemetery was well-done. I’m just happy that Martin was there to save Sharon, as opposed to hanging out at the Fantasy Island Marina.

That’s where all the swingers hang out, you know.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.1 and 3.2 “The Alaskan Wedding Cruise: Carol and Doug’s Story/Peter and Alicia’s Story/Julie’s Story/Buddy and Portia’s Story”

Posted on August 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Love Boat sets sail for season 3!

Episode 3.1 and 3.2 “The Alaskan Wedding Cruise: Carol and Doug’s Story/Peter and Alicia’s Story/Julie’s Story/Buddy and Portia’s Story”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on September 15th, 1979)

The third season of The Love Boat starts with a special voyage to Alaska and a two-hour running time. It’s double the guest stars, double the melodrama, double the goofiness, and double the romance! The opening also features new clips for Doc, Gopher, and Julie. Whereas the first two seasons introduced Doc listening to his own heartbeat, the third season opening features him laughing while leaning against a railing. Gopher’s new opening credit features him looking wistfully out at the ocean and it’s a much more mature look for him. As for Julie, she’s still smiling and perky but she’s let her hair grow out. If the first two seasons of The Love Boat featured Julie looking like the star of the high school drama department, she looks more like the most popular cheerleader now. As for the Captain, he continues to salute the camera and Isaac continues to do his signature pointing.

The episode opens in Canada. The boat is docked in Vancouver, where it has been rented out by a huge and wealthy wedding party. The boat will be sailing to Alaska. Isaac has been reading everything that he can find about Alaska and he spends most of the episode sharing trivia about the state’s history. Gopher, preparing for Alaska’s cold weather, buys a gigantic coat. Meanwhile, Doc Bricker makes jokes about his ex-wives and Capt. Stubing tries to keep everything professional. (“You’re not going to the North Pole!” he snaps at Gopher when he sees the size of his new fur coat.)

As for Julie, her mind is elsewhere. Alaska is where Jack (Tony Roberts) lives. Who is Jack? During the second season, he was a passenger who fell in love with Julie and who asked Julie to marry him. She knows that she’s going to see Jack in Alaska and she’s going to give him an answer as far as his proposal is concerned. (If you don’t remember Jack asking Julie to marry him, don’t feel bad. I had forgotten about it, too. Fortunately, the first hour of this episode is full of flashbacks to Jack’s previous episode.) Is Julie ready to settle down? While Julie tries to make up her mind, she also has to deal with the romantic intentions of the wedding party’s dorky best man (Donny Most).

As for the wedding party, Carol (Lisa Hartman) and Doug (Mark Harmon, sporting a truly unfortunate haircut) are looking forward to getting married, even though Doug’s ex-girlfriend (Caren Kaye) is also on the boat and determined to win Doug back. If that means jumping out a cake while wearing a bikini, she’ll do it. Doug is more concerned about the fact that his estranged, alcoholic father, Peter (Ray Milland) had turned up on the cruise despite having not been invited to or even informed about the wedding. Peter has stopped drinking and is trying to make peace with his son and his ex-wife, Alicia (Eleanor Parker). What Doug and Alicia do not know is that Peter is terminally ill. And what neither Doug nor Peter knows is that Alicia is on the verge of filing for bankruptcy.

Meanwhile, Carol’s plain-spoken grandfather (Lorne Greene) feels uncomfortable with all of the rich folks but then he meets Doug’s equally plain-spoken aunt (Audra Lindley). Could we be heading for a double wedding? It is The Love Boat, after all!

There aren’t really any big surprises on this episode but it’s likable nonetheless. For this episode, the crew and the cast actually sailed to Alaska and all the action was filmed during an actual cruise. The scenery is gorgeous, even if it’s obvious that the cast was frequently freezing while filming their scenes. By this point, the show’s regulars had their chemistry down perfectly and all of the 3rd season premiere’s guest stars are well-selected. I especially liked the performances of Lorne Greene, Audra Lindley, the great Ray Milland, and Tony Roberts. Julie and Jack’s reunion was far more touching that I think anyone would expect from a show like The Love Boat, with Tony Roberts playing the role of Jack so well that the viewer really did believe that, under different circumstances, he and Julie truly would have had a wonderful life together. This was a great way to start the third season.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.3 “Tattoo: The Love God/Magnolia Blossoms”

Posted on June 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Mr. Roarke tries to kill Tattoo!

Episode 3.3 “Tattoo: The Love God/Magnolia Blossoms”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on Sept. 21st, 1979)

This week’s episode of Fantasy Island opens with Tattoo driving his mini-car across the island and nearly running over a group of Islanders.

Tattoo has every reason to be excited! This week, he is getting his fantasy. Using a fake name (Dr. H.L. Oottat — spell the last name backwards), Tattoo requested a chance to come to the Island and live out his fantasy of being irresistible to women. At first, Mr. Roarke pretends as if he had no idea that Dr. Oottat was actually Tattoo but, by the end of this episode, it’s pretty clear that Roarke not only knew who Oottat was but that he also saw this fantasy as his best chance to kill off his troublesome assistant.

Seriously, how else can you explain how Mr. Roarke grants Tattoo his fantasy. Tattoo wants women to find him attractive. (That’s actually kind of sad. Poor Tattoo!) So, Mr. Roarke arranges for a bunch of native Islanders to mistake Tattoo for their legendary love god, Nooyeeowee.

Words goes out that Nooyeeowee has returned to the Island. A group of Islanders take Tattoo to their village.

The chief explains that, as the Love God, Tattoo is not only responsible for deciding who in the tribe will marry who but that his presence will also guarantee successful fishing expeditions. Unfortunately, Tattoo is also expected to be able to fly. When one of the islanders, jealous because Tattoo has stolen his girlfriend, accuses Tattoo of being a fraud, Tattoo is told to prove his powers by taking flight. Instead, with the help of a native girl, Tattoo gets in a canoe and flees back to the main island.

Mr. Roarke acts as if he’s happy to have his assistant back but let’s be honest here. Mr. Roarke has shown, on numerous occasions, that he cannot be fooled or tricked by anyone. Are we to believe that Mr. Roarke didn’t realize that the letter from Dr. Oottaat was actually from Tattoo? After three seasons of listening to their passive-aggressive banter, it should be obvious to anyone that Roarke and Tattoo actually hate each other. Personally, I think Mr. Roarke was hoping Tattoo wouldn’t be able to escape.

As for the second fantasy, it features Pamela Franklin and Lisa Hartman as two women who want to become Southern belles by returning to what they consider to be the most romantic time and place in US. History, Civil War-era Georgia….

Uhmm…. yeah. This is definitely a fantasy that would not be allowed today. But, back in 1979, Roarke sends the women back to Civil War era Altanta so that they can both pursue a romance with the two Confederates of their dreams. Lisa Hartman falls hard for Dack Rambo, who is made up to look like Clark Gable. Pamela Franklin falls just as hard for Christopher Connelly, who is made up to look like Leslie Howard. Unfortunately, their night at the plantation is ruined by the arrival of an evil Union captain, played by Luke Askew.

Sadly, the fantasy ends before the belles get a chance to marry their men. But no worries! It turns out that the two men were also on the Island to live out their fantasies of fighting for the Confederacy during the Civil War. So, everything works out….

This was a weird episode and, as I mentioned earlier, it’s definitely one that would not be made today. I can only imagine how Twitter, if it had existed back then, would have reacted to the Civil War fantasy and the frequent appearances of Dixie on the soundtrack. To be honest, though, the the two belles were less in love with the Confederacy and more just obsessed with Clark Gable and Leslie Howard. Tattoo’s fantasy was actually the cringier of the two, with Tattoo pretending to be a God just to get laid and its suggestion that the Islanders will basically just worship anyone that they can convince to come to their village.

(Why don’t they worship Mr. Roarke then? I mean, he has literal magic powers!)

As I said, this episode was just very weird. 1979, you know?

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.18 and 2.19 “Alas, Poor Dwyer/After the War/Itsy Bitsy/Ticket to Ride/Disco Baby”

Posted on June 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, it’s disco, high school, and alcoholism on The Love Boat!

Episodes 1.18 and 1.19 “Alas, Poor Dwyer/After the War/Itsy Bitsy/Ticket to Ride/Disco Baby”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on February 3rd, 1979)

It’s time for the Haney High class reunion and one of the school’s most beloved graduate, Julie McCoy, has arranged for her former classmates to celebrate their 10-year reunion on the Pacific Princess!

This was a special double-sized episode of The Love Boat. (It was split into two episodes for syndication.) Along with being twice as long, this episode also features twice as many guest stars and a twice as much romance and drama. It turns out that Haney High’s Class of ’69 was a large one indeed.

(It’s not really made clear as to whether everyone on the cruise is there for the reunion or if there are passengers on the cruise who are just trying to enjoy a vacation. I have to say that I would be a bit annoyed if I boarded a cruise just to discover that it was being used for someone else’s loud and crowded high school reunion. Seeing as how the entire boat has been decorated with signs welcoming the “class of Haney High,” I hope that it was just Hany High alumni on the cruise. Otherwise, some people definitely ended up feeling left out of all the fun.)

Along with being a supersized episode, quite a bit of this episode was filmed while the ship was on an actual cruise. (The Love Boat would always take one or two actual cruises during each season. That was one reason why so many actors were eager to be on a show that was never really a critical favorite.) As a result, the characters in this episode spend far less time in their cabins than usual. Instead, almost every scene takes place on one of the decks. The ocean looks lovely. A scene where Doc talks to Gopher and Isaac features a striking sunset in the background.

As for the storylines, it’s a little bit hard to know where to start with this episode. Not only did the passengers all get storylines but so did Captain Stubing, Doc Bricker, and Julie McCoy. I guess as good a place to start as any would be with Malcolm Dwyer (Raymond Burr), the high school’s beloved drama teacher. Mr. Dwyer boards the ship and, rather than talk to any of his former students, he immediately starts drinking. It quickly becomes apparent to everyone that Mr. Dwyer has a drinking problem. He’s haunted by the fact that, rather than becoming a star himself, he instead just became a teacher. Fortunately, Captain Stubing immediately realizes what is going on with Mr. Dwyer and he takes it upon himself to help. When Mr. Dwyer demands to know why Stubing cares so much about his drinking, the Captain lets down his guard and reveals that he too is an alcoholic.

This episode was the first time that the show directly acknowledged that Captain Stubing was a recovering alcoholic, though it was something that was occasionally hinted at. While Raymond Burr occasionally seems to be trying too hard to turn Mr. Dwyer into a grandly tragic figure, the scene where the Captain talks about his alcoholism is still a surprisingly poignant moment. Gavin MacLeod really captures the vulnerability of the moment as the normally reserved Captain opens up about something in which he takes no pride. Gavin MacLeod was, himself, a recovering alcoholic and, when he warns Dwyer about his drinking, it’s obvious that it’s not just Captain Stubing talking to a passenger. It’s also Gavin MacLeod talking to the show’s audience. It’s a surprisingly poignant moment.

Speaking of poignant moments, Jack Forbes (John Rubinstein) is on the cruise with his wife, Kathy (Judi West). When Jack sees Mike Kelly (Michael Cole), he freaks out. Mike was the king of Haney High, the high school quarterback with a bright future ahead of him. In school, he was Jack’s best friend. After they graduated, both Jack and Mike received their draft notices. Mike went to Vietnam and returned in a wheelchair. Jack fled to Canada with Kathy. When Jack sees Mike, he feels ashamed of himself and lies about what he did during the war. Jack worries that, if everyone finds out that he was a cowardly draft dodger, they’ll toss him overboard.

(To be honest, if Jack should be worried about anything, it should be running into the guy who got sent to Vietnam in his place. When someone dodged the draft, that meant someone else has to go in his place and that person was usually someone who didn’t have the resources to just pick up and leave the country.)

With Kathy’s encouragement, Jack finally confesses to Mike and Mike tells Jack that he already knew. Mike forgives Jack and, again, it’s a surprisingly poignant moment. John Rubinstein and Michael Cole both gave heartfelt and committed performances and the show approached the issue with the type of nuance that I don’t most people would necessarily expect from an episode of The Love Boat.

While this is going on, Doc is spending the cruise with Bitsy (Conchata Ferrell). When Doc saw Bity’s high school yearbook photo, he insisted that Julie sit him up with her. (Yeah, that’s not creepy at all.) Doc is shocked to discover that Bitsy has gained weight since high school. Gopher and Isaac give Doc a hard time for dating Bitsy during the cruise. After getting to know her and discovering her quick wit, Doc announces that Bitsy is beautiful even if she is “chubby” and, believe it or not, as bad as it is to read about it, the whole thing feels even more cringey and awkward when you watch the episode. This was another storyline that existed to confirm that Doc and Gopher were walking HR nightmares.

Meanwhile, Wendy (Kim Darby) is trying to figure out which one of her former classmates anonymously paid for her ticket and sent her a love poem. Was it Ross Randall (Christopher George), who is now a television star? Was it former class clown Pete DeLuca (Kelly Monteith)? Or was it the class hippie, Jason Markham (Bob Denver)? What was odd about this storyline was that the cruise was for Julie’s ten-year class reunion but both Christopher George and especially Bob Denver were obviously quite a bit older than the other members of their class. (If either one of them was 28, one can only assume they spent the past decade drinking 24/7.) Ross, at one point, talked about how Mr. Dwyer was the teacher who inspired him but Ross appeared to be roughly the same age as Mr. Dwyer. It was weird but hey, that’s The Love Boat!

As for who sent Wendy the ticket, it turned out that her secret admirer was her husband, Tom (David Landberg). Tom and Wendy were separated so Tom decided to send her on the cruise so she could find someone better. (That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever written.) In the end, Wendy realizes that she still loves Tom. Yay!

Finally, Julie is super-excited because her ex-boyfriend, Joey (Michael Lembeck), is on the cruise. Joey is now a disco instruction (yay!) and he works with Sherry (Lisa Hartman), who was the most popular girl at Haney High. Julie wants to rekindle her romance with Joey but it soon becomes clear that Sherry has feelings for Joey too. Sherry even asks Julie to back off a little when it comes to Joey. However, when Gopher and Isaac take a break from fat-shaming Bitsy and Doc, they encourage Julie to fight for what she wants. Julie pursues Joey even more aggressively. In the end, Julie, Joey, and Sherry all realize that Joey and Sherry belong together but it was still interesting to see Julie in a less than heroic role for once.

Of course, the best thing about the Julie/Joey/Sherry love triangle is that it featured disco! Joey not only taught everyone how to dance but he also turned the ship’s ballroom into a huge discotheque. By the end of the episode, everyone was dancing while a disco version of the Love Boat theme played. It was great!

As you may have guessed, I really enjoyed this episode. Yes, the stuff with Bitsy was cringey and it was annoying that Bitsy never got a chance to really stand up for herself and tell everyone to just accept her for who she was. (Conchata Ferrell was an actress who was at her best when she was telling people off.) But the rest of the episode was surprisingly well-written and acted and the fact that the cast and crew went on an actual cruise while filming only added to the fun. If nothing else, this episode showed why the cruise industry continues to go strong, despite all of the shipwrecks, hijackings, and pandemics that have plagued it for the past few decades. This was a fun episode, one that definitely made me want to set sail for adventure!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.18 “Casting Director/Pentagram/A Little Ball”

Posted on April 18, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we have a special, super-sized episode of Fantasy Island!

Episode 2.18 “Casting Director/Pentagram/A Little Ball”

(Dir by George McCowan and Michael Vejar, originally aired on February 17th, 1979)

This week, we get three fantasies, instead of the usual two!

Sister Mary Theresa (Lisa Hartman) is a nun who has been struggling with her faith even since the death of her mentor. Her fantasy is a chance to meet the only mortal man that her mentor ever loved. Colin McArthur (John Saxon) is tall, dark, handsome, and he loves animals! Not only does he seem like the perfect guy but he’s also played by John Saxon. Today, Saxon is best-known for appearing in horror movies and for playing B-movie villains and it’s easy to forget that he could also be quite a charming actor when given the chance. That said, as charming as he is, Colin just can’t compete with God and Sister Mary Theresa once again dons her habit before leaving the Island.

Meanwhile, Felix Birdsong (Don Knotts) has spent his life fantasizing about being a big time Hollywood casting agent and he gets his chance when he comes to the Island and is put in charge of selecting the woman who will star in a film called The Most Beautiful Girl In The World. Felix soon discovers that Hollywood isn’t as glamorous as he thought. (Uh, yeah, no doubt.) The film’s producer (Abe Vigoda) is a sleaze. The film is being funded by a combination of gangsters and oil sheikhs (one of whom is played by Cesar Romero) and all of them expect Felix to select their girlfriends for the role. Felix ends up very disillusioned, though you have to wonder what type of sheltered existence he experienced before coming to the island. I mean, he’s shocked to discover that Hollywood can be a heartless place and that rich men have mistresses! In the end, Felix announces that all 20 of the women will be cast as The Most Beautiful Girl In The World and that every single one of them will get the prize money. Yay! Of course, now the production is probably out of money so it’s not as if the film will ever actually be made. Actually, if I was a contestant in a beauty pageant and the judge just declared a 20-girl tie instead of giving me the prize, I would probably think he was the biggest jerk in the world. Boooo! Felix, you jerk!

Finally, Jane Garwood (Florence Henderson, continuing the tradition of Brady Bunch cast members showing up on the island) is a television news reporter who recently gained a lot of attention for a report she filed on Satanic cults. As a result of the report, a Satanic priest put a curse on Jane. Jane laughed it off until all of the men in her life started dying. Jane’s fantasy is to learn whether the curse is real. Mr. Roarke’s solution is to become the new man in Jane’s life. When he doesn’t die, Jane will see that the curse is not real….

Except, the curse is real! The cult has followed Jane to the Island and now they’re not only trying to kill her but Mr. Roarke as well! I have to admit that I’ve always assumed that Mr. Roarke was meant to be a supernatural being and I also assumed that he was immortal. Apparently, that’s not completely true. Still, despite the cult leader kidnapping Jane and dancing around with a cobra, Roarke is able to reveal that the cult leader is not only not a supernatural being but that he’s also Jane’s ex-boyfriend!

This episode was a fun mix of cartoonish comedy, sincere romance, and ludicrous melodrama. It was entertainingly silly in the way that only Fantasy Island could be at its best. I mean, with the exception of The Brady Bunch Hour, how many other shows would have the guts to give us Florence Henderson being menaced by a Satanic cult? For that, you have to go to Fantasy Island!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 1.3 “The Prince/The Sheriff”

Posted on September 27, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Welcome to Fantasy Island! Is everyone smiling?

Episode 1.3 “The Prince/The Sheriff”

(Directed by Phil Bontelli, originally aired on February 11th, 1978)

The third episode of Fantasy Island is about two men searching for a simpler way of life.

Peter D’Antonoli (Dack Rambo) is the prince of the nation of Andoli. As Mr. Roarke explains it, Peter is on the verge of becoming one of the last true monarchs, someone who not only wears a crown but who sets governmental policy. Peter has never known what it’s like to be one of the common people and he feels that he should give it a try before he takes power.

Mr. Roarke arranges for Peter to get a job on a fishing boat. Apparently, there’s a small fishing village located near the Fantasy Island resort. I’m just three episodes into the original series and I have to admit that I’m already confused about about how Fantasy Island operates. The pilot and the first two episodes suggested that Fantasy Island was a magical resort that belonged exclusively to Mr. Roarke. But, with this episode, it is revealed that there is a fishing village near the resort and that the blue collar fisherman resent all of the people who hang out at the resort. So, is Fantasy Island actually a nation, one that has many different village and an economic class system? Is Mr. Roarke the president? Has Fantasy Island been invited to join the United Nations? And why is the Fantasy Island fishing village full of people who look like they belong in a second remake of The Fog? Is Fantasy Island near New England? Is it off the coast of Maine? Seriously, this is a confusing place.

Anyway, Mr. Roarke arranges for Peter to get a job on a fishing boat, where he befriends a fisherman named Jamie (Ed Begley, Jr.). Jamie immediately notes that Peter must be new to the fishing industry because his hands don’t have any callouses. Jamie explains that he’s been a fisherman his entire life. (So, did Jamie grow up on the island?) Peter learns about generosity from Jamie and about rejection from Chris Malone (Lisa Hartman). Peter falls in love with Chris as soon as he meets her but Chris has lived a tough life and she doesn’t want to marry someone who is just a fisherman. Peter struggles to explain that he’s actually a prince. Chris doesn’t believe him. Peter says that there are things more important than money. It leads to a big argument but fear not! Things work out for everyone. Chis becomes a princess. Peter learns humility. And Jamie gets a new boat and remains trapped on the island….well, okay. Things worked out for almost everyone.

Meanwhile, John Burke (Harry Guardino) is a tough New York cop who wants to go back to a time when there weren’t any liberal DA’s letting criminals out of the street. He wants to be an old west marshal! Mr. Roarke mentions that “the old west fantasy” is Fantasy Island’s top seller. He takes Burke to a western town. Burke asks about the people who live there. “They’re not robots, like in that movie, are they?” No, Mr. Burke, it’s not Westworld! It’s Fantasy Island!

It turns out that the two men who Burke believes murdered his partner had a similar fantasy and they’re living in the town as well! Marshal Burke sets out for revenge but, with the help of saloon owner Julie (Sheree North), he learns that upholding the law with mercy is more rewarding than seeking blind vengeance. Burke and Julie leave the island but fear not. Mr. Roarke is sure that someone else will show up and request the old west fantasy. It’s their biggest seller, after all.

(So, Fantasy Island really was just like Westworld….)

The prince storyline was silly. The old west storyline was also silly but Harry Guardino gave a pretty entertaining performance as John Burke. This episode also featured a visit to the Fantasy Island disco, which I appreciated. Why go to the old west when you can dance?

Next week …. more fantasies!