Julia Benson | Through the Shattered Lens

Last night, I watched a new Lifetime film, Drink Slay Love!

Why Was I Watching It?

Because it was on Lifetime, of course!

Plus, it was a Canadian film about vampires. I love Canada and I love vampires! Ever since that episode of Degrassi where Emma got a “social disease” while playing Mina in a school production of Dracula, Canada and vampires have mixed well.

(Now, I should admit, that, while watching Drink Slay Love, I was also watching a film called The Dead Don’t Die on YouTube. I’m a big believer in multitasking.)

What Was It About?

Pearl (Cierra Ramirez) has a life that most of us can only have erotically-themed nightmares about. She’s a sixteen year-old vampire princess. She’s headstrong. She’s a little bit bratty. She’s convinced that nothing can hurt her. Even after she’s the victim of an attempted staking, she still insists on going out in the middle of the night by herself. On the plus side, Pearl doesn’t attack animals. She only attacks humans, especially Brad, the poor guy who works at a 24 hour ice cream parlor and who never remembers Pearl’s nightly visits, in which she always gets a scoop of mint ice cream and a pint of blood.

However, everything changes when it’s discovered that Pearl is immune to sunlight! She is a rare vampire who can actually walk around in the daylight. This leads to her parents getting the brilliant idea of sending Pearl to high school. There’s a big feast coming up and apparently, teenage blood is in high demand. However, once Pearl arrives at the school, she starts to make friends, almost despite herself. She starts to do the type of things that teenagers in Lifetime movies always do. How can she set her new friends up to be the main course?

Of course, some of her new friends have secrets of their own. You know how that goes…

What Worked?

This was a nice change of pace for Lifetime. After endless movies about obsessive stalkers and stolen babies and bad celebrity lookalikes, it was nice to see something different on Lifetime. I’m going to guess that Drink Slay Love was made with October in mind and really, this is a good movie for people who want celebrate Halloween without getting traumatized. It’s not particularly scary but it’s got vampires and it’s enjoyably silly.

Cierra Ramirez did a good job as Pearl. Pearl is a very sardonic vampire, which is the best type of vampire to be. Ramirez delivered her sarcastic dialogue with just the right amount of bite. (Heh heh, see what I did there?)

If the director’s name seems familiar, that’s because Vanessa Parise has directed several Lifetime movies. She does a good job with Drink Slay Love, keeping the story moving at a good pace and getting good performances from the entire cast.

What Did Not Work?

To be honest, I liked the whole film. Even the occasionally sketchy CGI added to the film’s charm.

“Oh my God! Just like me moments!”

I related to Pearl. Well, I didn’t necessarily relate to the blood sucking. But I was really sarcastic when I was sixteen, too. Plus, I always used to dress in black and then dare anyone to make a comment about it… (Actually, not that much has changed since then…)

Lessons Learned

Canada and Vampires are a good combination!

What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

If you were having trouble getting to sleep around one in the morning on March 7th, you could have watched the 2012 horror film, Death Do Us Part, on Showtime.

I don’t know if it would have helped you get to sleep though. Death Do Us Part is one of those films where the entire cast spends a lot of time screaming. I couldn’t tell you much about who all of the characters were meant to be, as they all kind of blended together (especially the male characters), but, if need be, I could identify all of their screams.

Of course, it takes a while for the screaming to get started. Death Do Us Part takes its time getting to the mayhem. It tells the story of a rich girl named Kennedy (Julia Benson) who has a history of mental instability and who is marrying Ryan Harris (Peter Benson). Kennedy enjoys posing in her wedding dress, popping pills, and nervously smiling. Life seems to be perfect for her! But, as often seems to happen in these movies, Ryan is also having the occasional quickie with Kennedy’s sister, Hannah (Christine Catelain). Kennedy’s best friend, Emily (Emilie Ullerup), happens to see Hannah and Ryan doing it in the woods. Emily gets a slightly crazy look in her eyes as she watches.

(Then again, at some point in this movie, everyone has a crazy look in their eyes.)

Kennedy, Ryan, Hannah, Emily, and a couple of guys who aren’t that important are spending the weekend in a cabin in the woods. The cabin comes with its own pervy caretaker. If I ever spend the weekend at a cabin in the woods, I’m going to specifically ask for a cabin that doesn’t come with a caretaker. Judging from the movies that I’ve seen, those dudes are always bad news.

ANYWAY — it takes a while but eventually, people start dying. In fact, once people start dying, the movie suddenly picks up the pace. Before you know it, everyone’s running around in the woods and getting killed and screaming. Seriously, there’s lots and lots of screaming.

Up until the last fifteen minutes, I was ready to dismiss Death Do Us Part as just another low-budget attempt at horror but I actually did like the chaos of everyone running around in the woods. Don’t get me wrong. The movie takes way too long to get going and the characters are so generic that you really don’t care whether they’re dead or not. But I did appreciate the fact that, when confronted by a murderous maniac, the majority of the characters reacted the way that I would have reacted. They started running around, screaming their heads off, and ultimately, they just made things worse. It was a nice change from the usual movie technique of having one of the characters suddenly turn out to be a hyper competent survival machine.

There is a twist but you’ll see it coming from a mile away. That said, the final few shots of the film were enjoyably surreal in only the way that a bloody wedding dress can be.

(Speaking of wedding dresses, I loved the one in this film. Way to go, Kennedy!)

Anyway, I can’t really recommend Death Do Us Part because it takes too long to get going and the characters are way too generic. But, I did like the final fourth of the film and I may have found my future wedding dress!

All in all, not a bad way to handle insomnia.