Embracing The Melodrama: Poseidon (dir by Wolfgang Petersen)

Posted on March 17, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The plot of 2006’s Poseidon may sound familiar.

There’s this cruise ship. It’s a luxury liner and it’s sailing across the ocean on New Year’s Eve. There’s a lot of passengers on the liner. Most of them are wealthy and the majority of them are played by familiar actors. Everyone is in the ballroom, celebrating the upcoming new year. They do the countdown. They cheer when they hit zero. Kisses are exchanges. Dances are danced. A blonde woman sings a song. Suddenly, a tidal wave smashes into the Poseidon, turning it over. Explosions rock the ship as it ends up floating upside down. The majority of the crew and the passengers are killed immediately. The survivors face a decision. Do they stay in the ballroom or do they attempt to climb upwards to safety?

Yep, Poseidon is a remake of The Poseidon Adventure. It tells basically the same story but with slightly better special effects and slightly less histrionic actors. The original Poseidon Adventure had Gene Hackman and Ernest Borgnine yelling at each other for over two hours while Shelley Winters swam until she died. “WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW, PREACHER!?” Borgnine shouted while Hackman yelled, “ROGO!” over and over again. (Rogo was Borgnine’s character. Hackman shouted the name with a wonderful amount of loathing.) It was a very loud and every entertaining movie. The cast of Poseidon is a bit more low-key but Poseidon is also more interested in special effects than any sort of human (melo)drama.

For instance, Josh Lucas plays a Navy veteran-turned-professional gambler. He gives a good performance as the de facto leader of the survivors but he never gets to yell as much as Gene Hackman did in the original. Richard Dreyfuss plays an architect and you would think that Dreyfuss, of all people, would chew up the scenery in this disaster film with relish but Dreyfuss is oddly subdued. Jacinda Barrett is the mother who tries to protect her son (played by Jimmy Bennett). Fergie is the singer who embraces the ship’s captain (Andre Braugher) as the ballroom floods. Emmy Rossum is the rebellious teenager. Mike Vogel is her boyfriend. And Kurt Russell plays the former mayor of New York City. He also happens to be a former fireman.

It’s a good cast. Kurt Russell is especially good in his role, believable as both a fireman (a role that he’s played in a few films) and as a politician. It’s a talented group of actors but no one really goes overboard in the way that Gene Hackman, Ernest Borgnine, Shelley Winters, Stella Stevens, Roddy McDowall, and even Leslie Nielsen did in the first one. The premise of the film is so silly that it really does require the cast and the director to fully embrace the melodrama. As opposed to the original, this film only gives the melodrama a quick hug and instead concentrates on explosions, water, and flames. The special effects overshadow the humans and that’s unfortunate because there’s a lot of interesting people in this movie. A good performance can last a lifetime. There’s a reason why we still talk about Kurt Russell in films like Escape From New York and The Thing. Good special effects, on the other hand, still look incredibly dated after three years.

I’m not really sure that it was necessary to remake The Poseidon Adventure in the first place. I’m just glad they left Beyond The Poseidon Adventure alone.

Back to School Part II #48: A Girl Like Her (dir by Amy S. Weber)

Posted on September 18, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(For the past three weeks, Lisa Marie has been in the process of reviewing 56 back to school films! She’s promised the rest of the TSL staff that this project will finally wrap up by the end of Monday, so that she can devote her time to helping to prepare the site for its annual October horror month! Will she make it or will she fail, lose her administrator privileges, and end up writing listicles for Buzzfeed? Keep reading the site to find out!)

I almost hate the idea of criticizing a film like 2015’s A Girl Like Her. This is one of those films that is about a serious subject and it has a great message but the execution just doesn’t work.

A Girl Like Her takes place at an affluent public high school. Everyone at the school is really excited because their school has been named the 10th best school in America and it was literally the only public school to make the list! A documentary crew shows up to shoot a film about the school but, shortly after arriving, they learn that a student named Jessica (Lexi Ainsworth) has just tried to commit suicide. What could have driven the shy but generally well-liked Jessica to swallow a handful of pills!? Don’t worry, Inspector Documentarian is on the case!

The film’s director, Amy S. Weber, plays the director of the fictional documentary. And yes, this is a mockumentary, with everything that suggests. In fact, it’s such a mockumentary that it starts to get annoying. There’s only so many random rack focus shots you can see before you want to scream, “Okay, it’s found footage! I FREAKING GET IT ALREADY!” And then there’s the fact that the camera never stops moving. Weber definitely goes overboard with the whole jerky, hand-held camera thing. The shaky cam didn’t make me physically ill (like Hardcore Henry did) but still, it was all a bit much. I’ve seen enough documentaries to know that occasionally, a camera can be held still.

Anyway, Weber finds out that Jessica’s best friend was Brian (Jimmy Bennett) and Brian reveals that he’s obsessed with filming everything. He knew that Jessica was being bullied so he gave her a hidden camera so that she could record her daily torment. Watching the footage reveals that Jessica was being viciously bullied by Avery (Hunter King), who is one of the most popular girls in school.

When Amy first approaches Avery, it provides a moment of unintentional humor. Weber apparently went to a lot of effort to make the high school and its students come across as being authentic. Let’s just say that a lot of the film’s interviews are conducted with teenagers who are awkward in a very recognizable and believable way. But then the documentary crew goes to Avery’s locker and there’s Avery, wearing an expensive pink dress and looking and sounding totally and complete like an actress and the film’s authenticity just collapses. She might as well just turn to the camera and say, “Hi, I’m the meanest mean girl of all.”

Amy convinces Avery to take a camera and to document her own life. So, to keep track, this film is now made up of Jessica’s footage, Brian’s footage, the documentary crew’s footage, and Avery’s video blog. That’s a lot of found footage to sit through and, unfortunately, very little of it feels authentic. The film is actually probably as its strongest when it focuses on Avery, who has a terrible home life and turns out to be a surprisingly multi-faceted bully. (For the most part, Hunter King gives the film’s best performance.) Jessica remains a cipher, even in the footage that she filmed. Meanwhile, the documentary crew’s footage gave off a definite “worst PBS special ever” vibe.

Don’t get me wrong. Weber’s heart was in the right place but, as with most anti-bullying films, A Girl Like Her is often too much “on the nose” for its own good. For all the effort that was put into making this a convincing mockumentary, the illusion is pretty much destroyed whenever anyone opens their mouth and delivers dialogue that could have come straight from Season 12 of Degrassi.

It would be nice if a movie could end bullying but A Girl Like Her is not the film to do it.

Embracing the Melodrama #52: The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things (dir by Asia Argento)

Posted on July 13, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Based on a controversial collection of short stories by JT LeRoy (which was a pen name used by the writer Laura Albert), The Heart is Deceitful About All Things covers three years in the life of Jeremiah and his dug addict mother Sarah. Over the course of the film, Jeremiah is played by thee different actors — Jimmy Bennett at age 7 and, at age 10, Cole and Dylan Sprouse. Sarah is fearlessly played by the film’s director, Asia Argento.

Partially in response to her extremely religious upbringing, Sarah spends most of her time drinking, smoking meth, and moving from man to man, the majority of whom treat both her and her son badly. It looks like things are going to get better when Sarah marries the seemingly stable Emerson (Jeremy Renner) but, when Sarah suddenly abandons both her husband and her son so that she can go to Atlantic City, Emerson rapes Jeremiah.

Jeremiah is sent to live with his grandfather (Peter Fonda) and grandmother (Ornella Muti) who, it turns out, are members of an ultra-religious cult. Thought Jeremiah initially manages to bond with his cousin Buddy (Michael Pitt), life in the cult proves to be no safer than life with his mother. After three years with the cult, Jeremiah is standing on a street corner and yelling that everyone is going to go to Hell unless they repent when he is suddenly approached by Sarah. Sarah grabs him and carries him over to a nearby truck that is being driven by her current boyfriend.

Sarah now supports herself as a dancer and as a prostitute. When she realizes that the presence of her son is making men reluctant to pay for her, Sarah grows out Jeremiah’s hair and starts to dress him in her old clothes so that she can pass him off as being her younger sister.

Eventually, Sarah and Jeremiah find themselves living with amiable but slow-witted meth addict Jackson (Marilyn Manson) and that’s when things really start to head down hill…

In some ways, The Heart Is Deceitful About All Things is a difficult film to recommend because it is so extremely dark and depressing. Much as in her debut film, Scarlet Diva, Asia Argento refuses to compromise on the bleakness of her vision. She set out to make a realistic portrait of what it’s like to live on the fringes of American society and that’s exactly what she did. If the end result is depressing…well, the fringes aren’t exactly a happy place. In the end, you’re actually happy that the film is full of familiar actors like Argento, Michael Pitt, Peter Fonda, and Winona Ryder because you need that reminder that, ultimately, you’re watching a movie and that everyone was able to go home after they finished filming.

The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things may not be easy to enjoy but it is a film that, as a result of its uncompromising vision, ultimately wins your respect.

Is It Too Late To Hate On Movie 43?

Posted on May 24, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Originally, I wasn’t planning on ever seeing Movie 43.

Remember Movie 43? That’s the comedy with the huge ensemble cast that came out in January and stayed in theaters for about a week. The trailers looked terrible, the commercials looked terrible, and finally, the reviews were terrible. In fact, the reviews were so terrible (Richard Roeper called it the Citizen Kane of bad movies) that, at first, I was perfectly content never to see it.

However, as time passed, I continually heard Movie 43 referred to as being one of the worst films ever made. Every 12 months, I post my picks for the 26 worst films of the year and I knew that Movie 43 was one of those films that would either appear on that list or, if it didn’t, I would have to be willing to defend the title’s absence.

I realized that before I could either defend or condemn, I would have to sit through the movie. After all, I figured, it’s only 90 minutes of my life.

90 minutes that I’ll never get back, I might add.

Movie 43 is an anthology film in which 13 separate comedic sketches are loosely linked together by one overarching story. For the most part, this is a film that was presumably made both for adolescent boys and for men who still think like adolescent boys. Most of the humor is derived from bodily functions and there’s a real strain of misogyny running through the entire film. However, the film’s problem is not that it’s crude and misogynistic but that it manages to be so dull about being crude and misogynistic. If you think its hilarious when Meg is insulted on Family Guy or when Seth McFarlane smirks after making an anti-Semitic comment, you might enjoy Movie 43 but the rest of us are going to find far less to enjoy.

Oddly enough, there are actually two different versions of Movie 43 in circulation. In the version that was released in U.S. theaters, the various vignettes are tied together by a story in which an insane director (Dennis Quaid) pitches scene after scene to a callous movie executive (Greg Kinnear). In the version that was released in the UK, they’re linked together by a story about 3 teenagers searching for the most offensive film ever made. To be honest, both versions are pretty stupid but I prefer the one about the 3 teenagers, if just because that way I can pretend that neither Dennis Quaid nor Greg Kinnear had anything to do with this movie.

As for the sketches themselves, there’s 13 of them and they are a mixed bag as far as both humor and quality are concerned:

1) The Catch (dir by Peter Farrelly)

Kate Winslet and Hugh Jackman go on a blind date. Jackman has testicles hanging from his neck and only Winslet thinks this is an odd thing. This skit goes on forever.

2) Homeschooled (dir by Will Graham)

Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts explain how they’re making sure that their teenage son is getting the full high school experience despite the fact that he’s being homeschooled. They do this through a combination of hazing and incest. This skit worked pretty well, mostly because of the dedication that Schreiber and Watts brought to their absurd roles.

3) The Proposition (dir by Steve Carr)

Uhmm…yeah. So, this is the skit that opens with Anna Faris asking Chris Pratt to defecate on her. I skipped over it because, quite frankly, life is too short.

4) Veronica (dir by Griffin Dunne)

Neil (Kieran Culkin) is working the night shift at a depressing grocery store when his ex-girlfriend Veronica (Emma Stone) comes in. They argue about who infected who with an STD. Little do they realize that Neil has accidentally turned on the intercom and everyone in the store can hear them. I actually kind of liked this short skit. Culkin and Stone had a lot of chemistry and it was well-directed by Griffin Dunne. Plus, it only lasted 2 minutes and, therefore, ended before the joke got old.

5) iBabe (dir by Stephen Brill)

The iBabe is an MP3 player that happens to look like a life-size nude woman. Unfortunately, a fan was built into the iBabe’s vagina and now, teenage boys are being dismembered while fingering and fucking iBabe. Richard Gere plays the President of the company that makes iBabe. I’ve never thought of Richard Gere as being a comedic actor and his performance here does nothing to change that.

6) Superhero Speed Dating (directed by James Duffy)

Robin (Justin Long) goes speed dating and Batman (Jason Sudekis) tries to mess things up for him. This skit – which also features (and wastes) Uma Thurman, Kristen Bell, and Bobby Cannavale – is so incredibly bad that I don’t even know where to begin. Between this film and his appearance in last year’s The Conspirator, I’m having to rethink my slight crush on Justin Long.

7) Machine Kids (directed by Jonathan Von Tulleken)

This commercial parody asks us to consider the children who work inside copiers and vending machines and how they are effected when we criticize those machines for not accepting our dollar. This was actually so weird that I couldn’t help but love it.

8) Middleschool Date (dir by Elizabeth Banks)

7^th grader Amanda (Chloe Moretz) is having her first “middle school” date with Nathan (Jimmy Bennett) when she starts her first period. In response, Nathan and his older brother (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) panic. Believe it or not, this was actually one of the better parts of Movie 43, if just because the scene’s humor comes not from Amanda getting her period but instead from how every male around her descends into histrionics as a result. It helps that this was the only part of Movie 43 that was both written and directed by women. It also helps that director Elizabeth Banks is so clearly on Amanda’s side. The end result is one of the few moments in Movie 43 that doesn’t feel misogynistic.

9) Tampax (dir by Patrik Forsberg)

This is another fake commercial. Two girls are at the beach. One uses tampax tampons and the other doesn’t. Guess which one gets eaten by a shark? As opposed to the previous skit, this bit of menstrual humor was obviously written and directed by a man (and the message, not surprisingly, is “Ewww! Girls are scary and dangerous!”) but I’m going to have to admit that this one made me laugh if just because, like Middleschool Date, it reminded me of some of the period horror stories that I used to hear (and believe) back when I was younger. (Though I was raised to be more concerned about bears than sharks…)

10) Happy Birthday (dir by that noted comedian, Brett Ratner)

Pete (Johnny Knoxville) kidnaps an angry leprechaun (Gerard Butler) and gives it to Brian (Seann William Scott). The leprechaun’s equally angry brother (also played by Gerard Butler) shows up and violence ensues. Watching this skit was like being told a joke by someone who has no sense of humor.

11) Truth or Dare (dir by Peter Farelly and Patrik Forsberg)

Halle Berry and Stephen Merchant are on a first date and Merchant has testicles on his neck…oh wait. Sorry, that was Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet’s skit. In this skit, Berry challenges Merchant to game of truth or dare. It escalates as the dares get continually more and more outrageous. Whoops? Did I say outrageous? I meant to say stupid and oddly dull. Watching this skit was like listening to a someone who has no sense of humor continue to tell a joke even though everyone else has already guessed the punchline.

12) Victory’s Glory (dir by Rusty Cundieff)

In this parody of “inspirational” sports movies, Coach Jackson (Terrence Howard) speaks to his basketball team before they play their first game against an all-white team. The gist of the speech is that Jackson’s team is going to win because they’re black and the other team is white. This skit started out strong but, like a lot of Movie 43, it ran on for a bit too long.

13) Beezel (dir by James Gunn)

This was actually my favorite part of Movie 43. Unfortunately, since Beezel shows up in the middle of the end credits, I get the feeling that a lot of disappointed audience members had probably already walked out of the theater before it even began. Beezel is a cartoon cat who has an unhealthy obsession with his owner (Josh Duhamel). When Duhamel’s girlfriend (played by Elizabeth Banks) catches Beezel masturbating to pictures of Duhamel in a swimsuit, Beezel responds by plotting her demise. Beezel was actually the only part of Movie 43 that truly felt edgy and unpredictable. This is largely because this segment was directed by James Gunn, one of the few truly transgressive artists currently working in mainstream film.

So, here’s the question: is Movie 43 the worst film of 2013 as so many critics have claimed? A few isolated moments aside, Movie 43 is pretty bad. Even the parts of the film that do work can’t hope to compete with the pure horrifying incompetence of that parts that don’t. However, thanks largely to James Gunn and Elizabeth Banks, it’s still a smidgen or so better than Tyler Perry’s Temptation. (For all of its failings, Movie 43 never suggests that AIDS is God’s way of punishing wives who stray. Nope, for that message, you have to go to Tyler Perry.)

Movie 43 is not the worst film of 2013.

It just seems like it.