
Artist Unknown

Artist Unknown
It’s true, y’know.
Enjoy!
On tonight’s episode of Baywatch Nights, David Hasselhoff and Angie Harmon investigate yet another sea monster.
Let’s see. The first episode of Baywatch Night featured a sea monster. And then the 2nd episode featured a killer mermaid. And then this episode features yet another monster living in the sea. Could it be that after just 3 episodes, the writers of Baywatch Nights were running out of ideas? Fortunately, later episodes would involve various land monsters.
That said, I do find the green blob to be kind of creepy. In general, blobs are just scary.
Enjoy!
Hey, what do you think this film is about?
Die Cheerleader Die! is a film that was first released in 2008. It’s an independent film out of Chicago and it’s about cheerleaders. It’s also about someone who is murdering all of the cheerleaders at a …. well, I’m not sure if they were supposed to be in high school or college. All of the cheerleaders appeared to be grad student age but all the classrooms looked like they belonged in a high school.
Anyway, Tiffany (Inga Draper) is in charge of the cheerleading squad at this high school or college and she basically runs it like a dictator. She tells everyone what they can and cannot do. For instance, she orders Robin (Maria Perez) to starve herself, even though Robin is not overweight at all. Robin finds herself being tempted away from the cheerleaders by a group of body acceptance activists who are referred to as being “Pretty Intelligent Girls” or …. well, you can figure out the acronym for yourself. When cheerleaders start to turn up dead, the Pretty Intelligent Girls are the number one suspects but could it be someone else?
Who knows? This film is a difficult one to sit through, largely because it was shot on video with amateur actors, fluorescent lighting, and natural sound. That’s another way of saying that Die Cheerleader Die is essentially a 90-minute YouTube video and it’s perhaps appropriate that that’s where I saw it. There’s no suspense, the kills aren’t particularly interesting, and the whole thing just gets kinda boring pretty quickly. As I always do whenever watching a horror film about cheerleaders, I forced my sister to watch it with me so that I could get her thoughts on whether or not the film accurately captured the high school cheerleader experience. Erin abandoned the film after about seven minutes but I stuck with it because I though it might turn out to be a Coen Brothers-style commentary on high school films. It wasn’t.
But, I don’t like being totally negative in any review so I am going to point out two good things. Number one, Inga Draper gave a pretty good performance as Tiffany. She was like every aspiring dictator that you ever knew in high school. Secondly, regardless of whether the film is any good or not, you can’t deny that it actually got made. The filmmakers may have made some poor production choices but they still got their film made and, 11 years later, it’s still being watched and reviewed. That’s more than most people who have, at some point, said, “I’m going to make a movie!” have accomplished.
Finally, cheerleaders always seem to be at a disadvantage in horror movies. I’ve always found that pretty strange because most of the cheerleaders that I’ve known were tough-as-nails athletes who, because they were constantly having to deal with snarky comments and pervy flirtation, knew how to take care of themselves. In a real life horror movie, the cheerleaders would probably be the only ones to survive.
Trust me, when the apocalypse hits and the world is burning all around you, you’re going to be looking to the cheerleaders to not only keep up your spirits but save the world as well.
In this diabolically clever work of interactive fiction, the narrator needs you to track down the Sock Puppet Killer!
Who is the Sock Puppet Killer? A killer who kills sock puppets, of course! And why are you the only one who can stop him? Because that narrator says that you’re former Chief Inspector Caine Slade, the brilliant detective who has been a pathetic drunk ever since the tragic death of your family!
You can tell the narrator that you’re not interested in catching the Sock Puppet Killer. You can say that you won’t even “do it for the children!” (Yes, that is an option.) You can say that you have no memory of ever being Caine Slade. You can tell the narrator, in detail, why his story doesn’t make any sense. But eventually, you’re going to end up in a bar, approaching a beautiful woman who you’ve been told is the Sock Puppet Killer.
This is one weird game and winning it going to require more than one try. Fully understanding everything that is happening is going to take probably a dozen tries. There are a variety of different decisions to be made throughout the game. Make the wrong decision and you’ll end up dead. Make the right decision and you very well could still end up dead. The best piece of advice that I can give you (without spoiling the game, of course) is to avoid pissing off the narrator. At one point, I very adamantly told him that I wasn’t going to approach the Sock Puppet Killer and I suddenly found myself drowning in the ocean. It’s accepted in almost all Interactive Fiction games that the narrator is basically God but The Sock Puppet Killer is remarkable for featuring an easily angered and very vengeful God.
The Sock Puppet Killer is well-written and often loud out loud hilarious. It’s not an easy game but that just makes it all the more rewarding if you manage to get through the entire thing without dying.
Since I reviewed Burnt Offerings earlier today, it just makes sense that today’s scene of the day should be the only emotionally rewarding scene from that film.
In this scene below — which does count as a spoiler, in case you’re one of those annoying toaduckers who complains about stuff like that — the House finally gets its revenge on the obnoxious family that’s been living inside of it. Now, taken out of context, it may seem a bit harsh to describe the scene as being a crowd pleaser but, if you’ve sat through the entire film, it’s hard not to cheer a little when the chimney comes down.
Seriously, what an obnoxious little brat.
4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!
This October, we’re using this feature to recognize and honor some of our favorite horror directors! Today, we honor the one and only Steve Miner!
4 Shots from 4 Films
This 1976 film is about a family so obnoxious that their own house tries to kill them!
Well, maybe it’s not entirely the family’s fault. The film suggests that the house would have tried to kill anyone who lived there because the house itself is possessed by ghosts or Satan or something of that nature. Still, you can’t help but feel that the house took some extra joy out of destroying the Rolf family. I know that I got some extra joy out of watching them get destroyed.
Ben (Oliver Reed) is a writer. Ben’s wife, Marian (Karen Black), is a flake who becomes obsessed with the house as soon as she sees it. Their son 12 year-old son, Davey (Lee Montgomery), is …. well, there’s no nice way to say this. He’s a brat. He’s the type of kid who you would be terrified of your kid befriending at school because then he’d want to come hang out at your house all the time. The movie doesn’t seem to realize that he’s a brat but the audience does. And finally, Aunt Elizabeth (Bette Davis) is Bette Davis, which means that she spends most of the movie delivering her lines in the most overdramatic and arch way possible.
The Rolfs are renting the house for the summer. The owners of the house are the Allardyces (Burgess Meredith and Eileen Heckart) and you would think that people would know better than to rent a house from Burgess Meredith. I mean, how many horror films in the 70s specifically featured Meredith as some sort of emissary of the devil? The Rolfs are asked to do two things: look after the house and look after Mrs. Allardyce, who lives on the top floor and never wants to be disturbed. The Rolfs are assured that they’ll never see Mrs Allardyce and the Rolfs are like, “Sure! That makes sense!”
Anyway, as soon as the Rolfs move in, the house starts to make weird noises and shingles start flying off the roof and, at one point, Ben nearly drowns his son in the pool. And while it’s kind of understandable, considering how annoying his son is, it’s still not a good look.
Yep, it’s pretty obvious that the house is evil but Marian loves it, almost as if she’s becoming …. possessed! Meanwhile, Ben keeps having visions of a sinister looking chauffeur (Anthony James, whose creepy smile is the only memorable thing about this film) and Davey keeps standing too close to the outside chimney. You don’t want to do that when a house hates your guts.
It all leads to the inevitable ending, which involves people getting tossed out of windows and *ahem* crushed by chimneys. The family’s so obnoxious that you can’t help but cheer when that chimney comes down. In fact, to be honest, as little as I think of this movie, I always specifically watch it just to see that chimney come down on one certain character. Things might not work out well for the Rolfs or anyone else watching this rather slow and predictable movie but at least the house survives.
Now, I will admit that I do own this film on DVD, simply because I love the commentary track. Director Dan Curtis, star Karen Black, and the film’s screenwriter, William F. Nolan, watch and discuss the film and it quickly becomes obvious that none of them remember much about making it. While Karen Black tries to keep the peace, Curtis and Nolan bicker over who is most responsible for the parts of the film that don’t work. When Anthony James shows up as the creepy chauffeur, Dan Curtis says that he doesn’t remember his name and then gets visibly annoyed when Karen Black spends the next few minutes talking about what a good actor Anthony James is. It’s all enjoyably awkward and, as someone who has hosted her share of live tweets, I couldn’t help but sympathize with everyone’s efforts to find something positive to say about Burnt Offerings.
For today’s horror on the lens, we have a 1974 made-for-TV movie about what happens when a family comes down from the mountains and discovers that everyone’s disappeared.
“Where have all the people gone!?” is the obvious question and it’s also the title of this film. Our own Jedadiah Leland reviewed this movie back in March and he described it as being “effectively creepy.” I watched it with my friends in the Late Night Movie Gang a few months later and we described as being perhaps the best Peter Graves film we had seen since we watched that one where everyone was a clone.
So, after those recommendations, how can you not watch Where Have All The People Gone?
Enjoy!
On Shackle Island, there’s a somewhat dilapidated-looking mansion. And inside that mansion, there’s a friendly and talkative scientist by the name of Dr. Gangrene (played by Larry Underwood). If you need shelter from the rain, Dr. Gangrene will be more than happy to accommodate you. Of course, if you do accept Dr. Gangrene’s hospitality, you’ll have to visit the lab and take a look at the doctor’s truly impressive collection of brains. For every brain, there’s a different story. In the new horror anthology film, Tales From Parts Unknown, Dr. Gangrene introduces four of those stories.
The first brain, Tailypo, tells the story of a hunter and his dog and what happens when their prey escapes from them but loses its tail in the process. Let’s just say that some creatures don’t take well to losing their tails and that, if you ever do happen to come across a tail out in the middle of the wilderness, it’s probably best to just leave it where you found it. I originally reviewed Tailypo back in 2015 and it was interesting to get a chance to rewatch it. (From my review: Tailypo is the first in a series of short films that McCasland is planning to put together for an anthology film that I hope I will someday get a chance to review.) Tailypo holds up well to a second viewing. Not only does David Chattam give a good and sympathetic performance as the Hunter but Tailypo really does capture the feel of being the type of story that someone would tell while sitting in front of a campfire.
The second story was Retrieval Service, which told the tale of two gravediggers who eventually make the mistake of trying to rob the dead. Retrieval Service had a nice Southern gothic feel to it. It was set (and filmed) in Tennessee and it really captured the unique feel of the region. The two grave diggers (played by Kenneth Garner and J.D. Hart) got some good lines and had some enjoyably surreal nightmares on their way to digging up graves in search of treasure. Don’t disturb the dead, the story tells us, no matter how much jewelry they’re wearing.
For The Prisoner of Perdition, we take a trip back to the old west. In the small town of Perdition, an outlaw named Thorne (John Wells) waits in jail. An angry mob wants to play jury and executioner but Marshal Tom Clanton (Rusty James) is determined to keep him safe. However, Thorne has plans of his own and, as becomes apparent throughout the night, he’s also very good at manipulating people. In fact, he’s a little too good at it. It’s almost as if he’s not quite human….
The Prisoner of Perdition may not be the most historically accurate western ever made but that’s actually accounts for a good deal of the segment’s charm. It’s not taking place in the real old west as much as it’s take place in the public’s popular imagination of what the old west was like. As a result, you’ve got panicky townspeople, women posing on the saloon’s balcony, a tough-talking marshal, and a coldly manipulative prisoner. The Prisoner of Perdition looks like it was an enjoyable segment to film, which makes it an enjoyable segment to watch. John Wells does a good job as the charming but evil Thorne.
The Prisoner of Perdition is followed by my favorite story, The Rider. The Rider is about a greedy writer (Wendy Keeling), her henpecked husband (Wynn Reichert), and the Biker (Lee Vervoort) that the writer accidentally runs over while she’s trying to drive and yell at her husband at the same time. In its way, The Rider provides a nice tail-end to Tailypo, though the greedy writer is a far less sympathetic character than the unfortunate hunter. Like Tailypo, The Rider has a lot of atmosphere and an appropriately dark conclusion.
Tales From Parts Unknown is a horror anthology that has an enjoyably retro feel to it. Larry Underwood (a.k.a. Dr Gangrene) is a veteran horror host and he’s a lot of fun to watch as he holds up each brain to the camera and as he explains why the viewer can’t leave the laboratory just yet. Tales From Parts Unknown is an entertaining film, perfect for the Halloween season.