Helen Reddy | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

Smiles, everyone!

Episode 5.18 “Sitting Duck/Sweet Suzi Swann”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on March 6th, 1982)

Once again, Julie is not involved in either of this week’s fantasies. At the start of the episode, Roarke tells Tattoo that Julie has been trying to help a guest whose fantasy was to introduce “women’s lib” to cavemen. A woman then runs by while being chased by a caveman. Apparently, the fantasy did not go well. I’m a bit worried that Julie might lose her job because none of the fantasies that she’s involved with ever seem to go well.

As for this week’s guests, Chuck Conners shows up as Frank Barton. Barton is a big-game hunter. He has hunted and conquered almost every type of animal. Now, he wants to hunt the most dangerous animal of all …. okay, okay, you’ve heard all this before. This is not the first time that Fantasy Island has looked to The Most Dangerous Game for inspiration. However, this is the first time that the show has featured a hunter who specifically wants to stalk Mr. Roarke.

It’s a bit of an odd fantasy, though. Frank doesn’t want to chase Mr. Roarke through the forest or anything like that. Instead, Frank just wants to plant booby traps around the Island. If Mr. Roarke survives 24 hours, he’ll be fee to set a few traps of his own. Roarke agrees, explaining to Tattoo that, if Frank doesn’t come after him then he’ll go after someone else. Roarke is doing the world a favor by distracting Frank.

Frank tries, he really does. He tries poison. He tries explosives. Even though Mr. Roarke agrees not to use any of his “special powers,” he always manages to stay a step or two ahead of Frank. Finally, Frank kidnaps Tattoo and that’s when Mr. Roarke says enough of this. If you’ve ever wanted to see Mr. Roarke beat up a guest, this is the episode for you. Frank ends up leaving the Island in the custody of two burly men who are apparently going to check him into a mental hospital. Frank got his fantasy but it didn’t turn out well for him. At least he wasn’t trying to reason with cavemen….

Meanwhile, Suzi Swann (Helen Reddy) comes to the Island with her boss, fashion designer Jack Becker (George Maharis). Suzi is in love with Jack but Jack takes her for granted. Suzi’s fantasy is to fall out of love with him and …. wait a minute! Didn’t Helen Reddy sing “I am Woman?” Why is the show wasting her time with this fantasy when they could have cast her as the guest who wanted to teach the cavemen about equality? If they had done that, Julie could have worked with Helen Reddy and Roarke and Tattoo would have been free to concentrate on Frank and his homicidal fantasy! I mean, I think it was a mistake to give Roarke two assistants for this season but if you’re going to have Julie around, at least let her take part in one of the main fantasies….

Oh well. Let’s get back to the fantasy that actually did happen.

Roarke gives Suzi some magic gumdrops that were apparently made with special Fantasy Island berries. The gumdrops make Suzi feel the opposite of whatever she previously felt. She takes one and immediately announced that she doesn’t like either Roarke or Tattoo. “You’re short!” Suzi says to Tattoo which …. ugh. That’s a terrible line, considering that the show has previously always treated Tattoo’s height with a good deal of sensitivity.

Suzi is no longer in love with Jack and instead, she finds herself attracted to the mysterious Claude Duvalle (James Darren). But the fact that she is no longer willing to be Jack’s doormat leads to Jack realizing that he failed to appreciate her. Jack falls in love with Suzi and Suzi falls back in love with Jack.

As Suzi and Jack leave together, Tattoo suggests that Rorake failed to give Suzi her fantasy. Roarke explains that Suzi fell out of love with the old Jack but then she fell in love with the new Jack so actually, he totally succeeded. Uhm….whatever you say, Mr. Roarke.

Roarke then takes a magic gumball and tells Tattoo, “I don’t like you.”

AGCK! But actually, the gumball makes its user for the opposite of what they actually feel so Mr. Roarke actually does like Tattoo! Awwww! I’m glad that’s cleared up.

I enjoyed this episode. Much like last week’s episode it felt like a throwback to the first two seasons of Fantasy Island. Neither fantasy really made much sense but both Roarke and Tattoo got to do a lot and that really made all the difference. Fantasy Island always works best when Roarke and Tattoo are more than just bystanders.

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week’s cruise is all about adultery and aliens!

Episode 4.10 “Boomerang/Captain’s Triangle/Out Of This World”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 13th, 1980)

When Donna Dayton (Pamela Sue Martin) boards the boat, Julie immediately notices her wedding ring and asks if Mr. Dayton will be following her. Donna explains that she’s not married. She just wears the ring to keep sleazy men from hitting on her.

Julie is shocked. What if Donna meets someone on the boat!?

Donna says that she has no intention of meeting anyone.

Can you guess what happens next?

Donna meets Scott Hanson (Barry Van Dyke) and it’s love at …. well, not quite first sight. In fact, Donna is weary of Scott because Scott is on the cruise with his oafish best friend, Lance (Guich Koock, who has a great name if nothing else). When Lance tries to hit on Donna, Donna shoots him down. When Scott apologizes to Donna, it leads to them dancing together and then later spending a day in Mexico. Scott repeatedly says that their relationship cannot continue once the cruise is over. Even after Scott spends the night in Donna’s cabin (which was kind of a rare occurrence on this show because The Love Boat was usually a surprisingly chaste show), Scott says that he can’t be with Donna.

Finally realizing that she’s still wearing her fake wedding ring, Donna tells Scott, “I’m not married!”

“But I am,” Scott replies.

DAMN! When did The Love Boat get so dramatic? When the ship returns to Los Angeles, Donna gives her wedding ring to Julie and announces that the next time she wears a ring, it’ll be because she’s married.

Wow, that was depressing. Fortunately, the other two stories are a bit less serious.

For instance, Captain Stubing’s friend, Brad (Monte Markham), boards the boat with his wife, Monica (Sue Ane Langdon). Monica soon starts to hit on Stubing, which leads to Stubing spending all of his time hiding on the bridge. Doc Bricker, naturally, offers to sleep with Monica. Fortunately, Stubing figures out that it’s all Brad’s fault and he tells Brad that he needs to spend more time with his wife. Brad agrees and later learns that Monica just wanted to have an affair because she was insecure about turning 40. But once Brad starts to pay attention to her again, Monica decides not to cheat on him. Sorry, Doc!

Finally, in perhaps the silliest Love Boat storyline ever, Martin Fallow (Tom Smothers) is a science fiction fan who is convinced that his local librarian, Elinor Green (Helen Reddy), is an alien from the planet Romulac. Martin explains to Gopher that Elinor turns into a plant at night and only eats other plants. Elinor proceeds to eat a flower while Isaac, Gopher, and Martin watch.

Elinor later confesses to Isaac that she is not an alien but she’s been pretending to be one because she knows that Martin is obsessed with science fiction. Okay, that makes …. well, that actually makes no sense whatsoever. Elinor thought she could get Martin to love her by pretending to be a plant and …. actually, Martin does fall in love with her so I guess her plan worked. This was such a weird story. Fortunately, it was also a lot of fun. With all the talk of adultery, it was good to have something that was just incredibly silly to serve as a counterbalance.

This was an enjoyable cruise. Pamela Sue Martin and Barry Van Dyke had so much chemistry as the forbidden lovers that I really did feel bad that they couldn’t be together. And the alien stuff was dumb but fun. This was a cruise that truly had something for everyone.