Oldies But Goodies”

Posted on August 23, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

For this week’s cruise, Julie learns that she’s not the only person who can do her job!

Episode 3.3 “The Grass is Greener/Three Stages of Love/Oldies But Goodies”

(Dir by Alan Rafkin, originally aired on September 22nd, 1979)

This week, Julie is super excited when her friend, Tina Philips (Joan Hackett), boards the cruise with her young son, Brian (Adam Rich). Tina and Julie went to cruise director school together, where they were both taught by none other than Captain Stubing.

(As I’ve mentioned before, there have been a lot of weird continuity issues with establishing just how long anyone had actually known Captain Stubing. During the first season, everyone was unsure of what to make of Captain Stubing and none of them had any experience sailing with him. But, in the second season, Stubing was suddenly celebrating his five year anniversary as the ship’s captain. And, in this episode, Stubing is established as being Julie’s mentor.)

Tina had a crush on Stubing while she was a student and Stubing had a bit of a crush on her as well. Though Tina could have had a great career as a cruise director, she decided to get married and settle down instead. Now, with her marriage falling apart, Tina boards the boat and immediately starts giving Stubing and Julie advice. Julie, meanwhile, takes care of Brian while Tina dances with the captain. Tina lives Julie’s life and Julie lives the life she could have had if she had stayed in Alaska and gotten married. It turns out that Julie’s a great substitute mom but Tina is a terrible substitute cruise director. Her idea of throwing a sock hop is a huge bust and, to be honest, it does seem a bit childish for a luxury cruise. In the end, Tina returns to being a single mom and Julie returns to being childless and career-driven. Yay, I guess.

Meanwhile, Nora (Amanda Blake) boards the ship with her daughter, Daphne (Karen Morrow). Daphne is determined to marry a millionaire but Nora is the one who finds love when she meets the wheelchair-bound Phillip (Barry Sullivan). Unfortunately, Phillip’s stuffy valet, Perkins (Werner Klemperer), insists that Philip needs to stay in his cabin and watch his blood pressure. Fear not, though. Daphne finds a millionaire and the millionaire hires away Perkins so now Phillip and Nora are free to have fun. Yay!

(Though, really, Phillip should keep an eye on his blood pressure….)

Finally, Mike (Eddie Mekka) and Robin (Lani O’Grady) seems like a perfect couple, except for the fact that Mike is convinced that all relationships go through three stages before ending and he has an annoying habit of saying stuff like, “We’ve just entered stage two!” Robin gets tired of Mike and his cynicism and eventually, Mike decides to give love a try because …. well, I’m not sure why. I think it was because the episode was nearly over.

This episode was pleasant but, ultimately, rather forgettable. Nora and Phillip were a nice couple but Perkins was portrayed in an over-the=top villainous light, especially when one considers that he was just doing the job he was hired to do. Mike and Robin seemed like they were still destined to break up, even as they left the ship in love. I did enjoy the scenes in which Tina’s sock hop party turned out to be a bust, just because it seemed like a dumb idea from the minute she mentioned it. That said, the main message of this episode seemed to be that having a family and career were two mutually exclusive things, which I certainly did not agree with.

Again, this was not necessarily a bad episode. It was just kind of a bland one.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.1 and 3.2 “The Alaskan Wedding Cruise: Carol and Doug’s Story/Peter and Alicia’s Story/Julie’s Story/Buddy and Portia’s Story”

Posted on August 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Love Boat sets sail for season 3!

Episode 3.1 and 3.2 “The Alaskan Wedding Cruise: Carol and Doug’s Story/Peter and Alicia’s Story/Julie’s Story/Buddy and Portia’s Story”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on September 15th, 1979)

The third season of The Love Boat starts with a special voyage to Alaska and a two-hour running time. It’s double the guest stars, double the melodrama, double the goofiness, and double the romance! The opening also features new clips for Doc, Gopher, and Julie. Whereas the first two seasons introduced Doc listening to his own heartbeat, the third season opening features him laughing while leaning against a railing. Gopher’s new opening credit features him looking wistfully out at the ocean and it’s a much more mature look for him. As for Julie, she’s still smiling and perky but she’s let her hair grow out. If the first two seasons of The Love Boat featured Julie looking like the star of the high school drama department, she looks more like the most popular cheerleader now. As for the Captain, he continues to salute the camera and Isaac continues to do his signature pointing.

The episode opens in Canada. The boat is docked in Vancouver, where it has been rented out by a huge and wealthy wedding party. The boat will be sailing to Alaska. Isaac has been reading everything that he can find about Alaska and he spends most of the episode sharing trivia about the state’s history. Gopher, preparing for Alaska’s cold weather, buys a gigantic coat. Meanwhile, Doc Bricker makes jokes about his ex-wives and Capt. Stubing tries to keep everything professional. (“You’re not going to the North Pole!” he snaps at Gopher when he sees the size of his new fur coat.)

As for Julie, her mind is elsewhere. Alaska is where Jack (Tony Roberts) lives. Who is Jack? During the second season, he was a passenger who fell in love with Julie and who asked Julie to marry him. She knows that she’s going to see Jack in Alaska and she’s going to give him an answer as far as his proposal is concerned. (If you don’t remember Jack asking Julie to marry him, don’t feel bad. I had forgotten about it, too. Fortunately, the first hour of this episode is full of flashbacks to Jack’s previous episode.) Is Julie ready to settle down? While Julie tries to make up her mind, she also has to deal with the romantic intentions of the wedding party’s dorky best man (Donny Most).

As for the wedding party, Carol (Lisa Hartman) and Doug (Mark Harmon, sporting a truly unfortunate haircut) are looking forward to getting married, even though Doug’s ex-girlfriend (Caren Kaye) is also on the boat and determined to win Doug back. If that means jumping out a cake while wearing a bikini, she’ll do it. Doug is more concerned about the fact that his estranged, alcoholic father, Peter (Ray Milland) had turned up on the cruise despite having not been invited to or even informed about the wedding. Peter has stopped drinking and is trying to make peace with his son and his ex-wife, Alicia (Eleanor Parker). What Doug and Alicia do not know is that Peter is terminally ill. And what neither Doug nor Peter knows is that Alicia is on the verge of filing for bankruptcy.

Meanwhile, Carol’s plain-spoken grandfather (Lorne Greene) feels uncomfortable with all of the rich folks but then he meets Doug’s equally plain-spoken aunt (Audra Lindley). Could we be heading for a double wedding? It is The Love Boat, after all!

There aren’t really any big surprises on this episode but it’s likable nonetheless. For this episode, the crew and the cast actually sailed to Alaska and all the action was filmed during an actual cruise. The scenery is gorgeous, even if it’s obvious that the cast was frequently freezing while filming their scenes. By this point, the show’s regulars had their chemistry down perfectly and all of the 3rd season premiere’s guest stars are well-selected. I especially liked the performances of Lorne Greene, Audra Lindley, the great Ray Milland, and Tony Roberts. Julie and Jack’s reunion was far more touching that I think anyone would expect from a show like The Love Boat, with Tony Roberts playing the role of Jack so well that the viewer really did believe that, under different circumstances, he and Julie truly would have had a wonderful life together. This was a great way to start the third season.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.27 “Third Wheel/Grandmother’s Day/Second String Mom”

Posted on August 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the second season of The Love Boat comes to a close.

Episode 2.27 “Third Wheel/Grandmother’s Day/Second String Mom”

(Dir by Gordon Farr, originally aired on May 12th, 1979)

It’s time for a special Mother’s Day cruise!

Gopher is excited because his mother, Roz (Ethel Merman), and his father, Eliot (an unwell-looking Robert Cummings), will be on the ship. As quickly becomes clear, Gopher takes after his mother. Like her son, Roz is impulsive, loves show business, and has issues with recognizing boundaries. As soon as she boards the boat, she and Gopher are singing songs and imitating the Marx brothers. Eliot, on the other hand, is quiet and reserved. Interesting enough, Eliot has quite a bit in common with Captain Stubing. Seeing Eliot and Stubing interact, the viewer suddenly understands why Gopher is always looking for the Captain’s approval. Gopher and Eliot have a distant relationship and Gopher now sees Stubing as being more of a father figure to him than his own father. Awwwww, how sad!

What’s even more sad is that it is easy to see that Eliot would like to be closer to his son. He just doesn’t know how to go about it and he knows that he can’t compete with Roz’s carefree personality. When Gopher and Roz agree to perform a number at a special Mother’s Day variety show, Eliot becomes jealous. He claims that he’s worried that Roz is somehow going to embarrass Gopher in front of his co-workers but it’s obvious that Eliot is the one who is embarrassed by his lack of a relationship with his son. It all works out in the end, of course and Gopher becomes closer to both of his parents.

Meanwhile, Mac O’Brian (Barry Nelson, best-known for being the first actor to play James Bond and for playing Mr. Ullman in Kubrick’s The Shining) is looking forward to a life of retirement. Except, his wife, Maggie (Nanette Fabray), keeps having dizzy spells. Doc examines her and announces that, despite the fact that she’s nearly 60, Maggie’s pregnant! Maggie worries about how tell her husband, who has made it clear that he feels that he’s earned a rest from worrying about children. At first, Mac doesn’t take the news well but never fear. Things work out in the end because it’s The Love Boat!

Finally, Mary Noble (Michele Tobin) and her sister, Judy Noble (Shelly Juttner), are on their cruise with their father (Ken Berry) and his new wife (Beth Howland). At first, they go out of their way to be rude to their new stepmother but eventually, they realize how happy she makes their father and they come to accept her. Once again, everyone gets a happy ending on The Love Boat.

Despite the fact that it featured Gopher’s parents and offered up some insight into what made one of the show’s main characters tick, this episode of The Love Boat was pretty forgettable. The success or failure of a show like this all comes down to chemistry and none of the guest stars on this particular episode seemed to have any. Robert Cummings, in particular, looked absolutely miserable throughout the entire cruise while Barry Nelson and Nanette Fabray seemed more like strangers having a random hook-up than a longtime married couple. I did like the storyline about the stepparent but that’s just because I could relate to the two sisters because I know me and my sisters had a tendency to get a bit bratty whenever we felt anyone was trying to take our mom away from us. But, in the end, even this storyline felt like something The Love Boat had done better in the past.

Sadly, the second season of The Love Boat came to end with not a bang but a whimper. Next week, we start season 3!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.26 “April’s Return/Super Mom/I’ll See You Again”

Posted on August 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s cruise features Cyd Charisse!

Episode 2.26 “April’s Return/Super Mom/I’ll See You Again”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on May 5th, 1979)

This episode’s writers would want us to believe that the most important thing that happens during this cruise is that April Lopez (played by Charo) returns to the ship. During the first season, April was introduced as a stowaway who managed to charm the entire crew despite traveling illegally. With the help of Captain Stubing, April has gone on to become the cruise line’s most popular entertainer and this week, she’s returns to the Love Boat!

The crew is super-excited because April is such a vivacious force of energy. Or, at least, she was. When she shows up on the boat, she seems to be feeling a bit down. As she explains it to Julie, April has discovered that show business is not all that it’s cracked up to be and that it’s full of lecherous men. (Shocker!) April has decided that she would rather be a cruise director. Julie agrees to show April what the job entails and …. well, it turns out that Julie actually has a pretty easy job. She just goes to Acapulco Lounge at night, spots people who are alone or shy, and offers to dance with them. I do that on a regular basis. I should be a cruise director.

Anyway, April eventually realizes that she makes people happy by performing. Charo was a popular guest star on The Love Boat and, unlike a lot of other actors who appeared in multiple episodes, she always played April. (In this episode, she sings the show’s theme song.) In many ways, Charo was the epitome of The Love Boat, in that her act was meant to be both sexy and old-fashioned at the same time. The Love Boat was a show where everyone on the boat was constantly looking to get laid but the camera still cut away as soon as the cabin door closed and it was understood that sex on the boat would always lead to marriage on dry land. It was a show with the customs of the 70s and the morals of the 50s.

The episode spends a lot of time on April’s search for happiness. Personally, I was more excited by the fact that Cyd Charisse was on the boat. Cyd Charisse is one of my favorite dancers of all time and was one of my personal role models when I was younger. From the minute that Charisse boards the boat, the cameras are focused on her legs, which were just as spectacular as they were 20 years earlier in Singin’ In The Rain and Silk Stockings. Charisse plays Eve Mills, a former USO entertainer who, by an amazing coincidence, happens to be on the same cruise as the man that she fell in love with during World War II, Frank Pearse (Craig Stevens). By another amazing coincidence, Frank just happens to be an old friend of Captain Stubing’s!

Anyway, Frank and Eve recognize each other and they eventually work up the courage to approach each other. Eve thought Frank was killed in the war. Frank thought that Eve ignored all the letters that he sent her while he was recovering from being wounded in action. (It turns out the letters were never mailed because Frank’s nurse was in love with him.) Frank is still in love with Eve but he sees that she’s accompanied by a handsome young Frenchman named Francois (Stephen Schnetzer). Eve reveals to Frank that Francois is not her boyfriend. Instead, Francois is her son! And guess who Francois’s father is? (Really, the fact that he was named Francois should have given it away.)

Finally, Bud (Jerry Stiller) and Margaret (Anne Meara) are on their second honeymoon but, unfortunately, they’ve had to bring along their four bratty kids (one whom is played by a very young Corey Feldman). Bud wants to have a good time. Margaret keeps worrying about the kids. Bud gets a dance lesson from April, which leads to Margaret getting jealous. Don’t worry, they work it out. Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara were adorable together but this story was stressful for me to watch, just because the kids were so hyperactive and never stopped running around. Still, the image of Charo teaching Jerry Stiller how to dance feels like it should be enshrined in a museum devoted to the 1970s.

This episode seemed to exist because the show’s producers really liked Charo and it’s hard not to feel that the rest of episode’s storylines were just treated as being afterthoughts. That said, I enjoyed the Cyd Charisse/Craig Stevens story. Stevens was stiff and dull but Cyd Charisse was Cyd Charisse and that’s all that really matters!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.25 “Murder on the High Seas/Sounds of Silence/Cyrano de Bricker”

Posted on July 26, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Sonny Bono shocks the squares!

Episode 2.25 “Murder on the High Seas/Sounds of Silence/Cyrano de Bricker”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 17th, 1979)

Uh-oh! The singer who Julie hired to perform on the cruise had to cancel! Fortunately, Gopher has a connection at a talent agent and he is able to recruit a replacement. Meet Dominic Dark!

He’s pretty fearsome! When he arrives on the boat, he’s accompanied by his manager (Arte Johnson) and a living snake. When he performs in the Acapulco Lounge, he destroys his instruments and sings about how much he loves rebelling against conventional society. But underneath that KISS-inspired makeup and behind those sub-Alice Cooper-style lyrics …. wait a minute …. is that….

Yes, this is one of the four episode of The Love Boat to feature singer and future U.S. Rep. Sonny Bono as a passenger on The Love Boat. (Fred “Gopher” Grandy would also go on to serve in the House as well.) Not surprisingly, Mr. Dark turns out to actually be a rather mild-mannered gentleman named Phil Backstrom. Phil wants to abandon all the gimmicks and just make a name for himself as a singer but his manager orders him to keep putting on the makeup and to keep upsetting the squares. While on the cruise, Phil meets and falls in love with Sara (Sheila Lenham), who understands his love of music and who is also deaf.

It’s actually a pretty sweet story and Sonny Bono is so likable that it’s easy to see how he managed to go from singing to having a career in politics. But the main appeal of this entire storyline, and indeed this entire episode, is the chance to see Sonny Bono playing a 70s-style shock rocker. It’s one of those ideas that is so ludicrous that it’s actually kind of fun. Bono looks so awkward in his makeup that it’s hard not to root for him. I also liked the fact that the other largely middle-aged and obviously wealthy passengers all loved Phil’s act. It seemed like Phil’s biggest fans were the same people who, in theory, were supposed to be shocked by his antics.

As for the other two stories, Jill St. John plays Mitzi, an old friend of Doc’s who boards the boat with her new husband, Vinnie (Charlie Callas). It’s supposed to be their honeymoon cruise but Vinnie seems to be more interested in gambling than honeymooning. At one point, he says that, after living with Mitzi for two years before getting married, the honeymoon just feels like another trip. Needless to say, Mitzi leaves their cabin and decides to spend the cruise in Doc’s office. Doc Bricker is able to bring Mitzi and Vinnie back together but it’s hard not to feel that Mitzi made the right decision when she left Vinnie the first time. I mean, Vinnie’s a jerk! And he seems to have a bit of a gambling problem….

Finally, Isaac thinks that he overhears two people (Peter Lawford and Dana Wynter) plotting to kill Captain Stubing. This leads to Isaac and eventually the entire crew getting into a panic but it turns out that Lawford and Wynter are just two mystery novelists plotting out their latest book. The main problem with this plot is that it hinged on a mistake that Isaac, at least based on what we’ve seen of him in previous episodes, normally wouldn’t make. Misunderstanding a conversation seemed more like something that Gopher would do. Isaac has always been the smart and down-to-Earth member of the crew and Ted Lange never looks quite as comfortable with slapstick antics of this episode as Fred Grandy probably would have.

In the end, this was fairly negligible episode that was occasionally amusing due to the efforts of future congressman Sonny Bono.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.24 “Ages of Man/Bo and Sam/Families”

Posted on July 19, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the Captain needs a new watch but his crew is determined to give him a bunch of toothpicks instead.

Episode 2.24 “Ages of Man/Bo and Sam/Familes”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 10th, 1979)

This week’s cruise gets off to a bizarre start with Captain Stubing reminding the members of the crew that he will soon be hitting his 5-year anniversary mark as their captain. Doc, Julie, Gopher, and Isaac are planning to throw him a huge surprise party and they’ve even gotten him a gift, a replica of the Love Boat made out of toothpicks!

Now, it’s not just the gift that feels strange about this scenario. There’s also the fact that Stubing claims that he’s been captain of the Pacific Princess for five years even though the show is only in its second season. As you may remember, the very first episode of The Love Boat featured the crew still talking about how they couldn’t figure out the proper way to approach their new captain and how they didn’t know anything about his background. So, unless three years passed without anyone noticing, the Captain has only been on the ship for two years.

Add to that, Captain Stubing keeps telling anyone who will listen that he needs a new watch. So why is the crew dumb enough to give him a boat made out of toothpicks for his anniversary gift? The toothpick boat itself is constructed by two close friends, Bo (Philip Charles MacKenzie) and Sam (Michael Tucci). Of course, when Bo and Sam deliver the gift to the cruise, they end up breaking it in half. As a result, they stowaway on the ship so that they can rebuild the toothpick boat. And they do rebuild it! But then they break it again so, with hours to go until the Captain’s party, they again have to rebuild it. When they deliver the boat the captain’s party, they discover that every member of the crew has given Stubing some sort of miniature boat. Stubing is not particularly excited about the toothpick boat until he hears the sound of something ticking inside of it. Yes, that’s right, Sam’s watch fell off while they were rebuilding the boat. Stubing smashes the toothpick boat and is overjoyed to discover a watch, one that is inscribed with a touching message about friendship. Bo promises to get Sam a new watch.

This storyline was …. well, to say it was frustrating is perhaps putting it a little bit too lightly. Seriously, it never made any sense. Why, if the Captain keeps telling you that he desperately needs a new watch, would you buy him a toothpick boat instead? And why, with something that fragile, would you not wrap it up or find some other way to protect it before trying to carry it onto the cruise? Every time that fake boat got destroyed, I wanted to throw something at the TV.

As for the other storylines….

Julie develops a crush on an older passenger named Walter (Paul Burke) while a younger passenger named Bobby Trymon (Patrick Labyorteaux) develops a crush on Julie. Julie wants to spend all of her time dancing with Walter but she also has to try to let teenage Bobby down gently. Eventually, Julie tells Bobby that he’s too young for her and then Walter explains that he’s too old for Julie. So, everyone ends up miserable.

While that’s going on, publisher Hank Hardaway (Leslie Nielsen) is shocked to discover that his arch nemesis, union leader Monica Cross (Arlene Dahl) is on the cruise! Hank’s daughter, Diana (Ellen Bry), thinks that Monica has a point about protecting the working man while Monica’s son, Jeff (Mark Shera), thinks that Hank has a point about working hard and pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. Eventually, Diana falls for Jeff and Hank falls for Monica and the four of them prove that you can love someone even if you disagree with their politics. This storyline was simple and silly but, to be honest, kind of charming. Nielsen, who still in the “serious actor” phase of his career when he did this episode, seemed a bit more relaxed than usual and Ellen Bry and Mark Shera had a likable chemistry. Simple as this story may have been, it was kind of what the episode needed to counterbalance all the toothpick boat nonsense.

This cruise was a mixed bag. At least the Captain got a watch.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.23 “A Funny Valentine/The Wallflower/Home is Not a Home”

Posted on July 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After the past few cruises, I think we’re overdue for a good episode of The Love Boat. Let’s see if this week’s episode can deliver!

Episode 2.23 “A Funny Valentine/The Wallflower/Home is Not a Home”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on March 3rd, 1979)

Julie has decided that this week’s voyage is going to have a carnival theme and, in order to get everyone in the mood, she’s hired a fortune teller! Mary Louise (Samantha Eggar) claims that she can read palms but she’s even more interested in the art of phrenology, the study of heads. When she sees that Captain Stubing is bald, she can’t wait to see what the top of his shiny head says about his romantic future. Unfortunately, Stubing is in one of his depressed moods and says that fortune telling is for the young. He explains that he’s old and he already knows that he’s destined to spend the rest of his life alone.

Awwwww!

Luckily, Mary Louise has other ideas! The Captain is soon won over by Mary Louise’s free-spirited ways and her joi de vivre. But the Captain also realizes that, unless he holds a carnival every cruise, there’s really not much place for a fortune teller on the ship. The best that he can offer Mary Louise is a job in the gift shop. Realizing that their lives are just too different, Mary Louise leaves the boat without saying goodbye the Captain …. but then she returns to tell the Captain that maybe she will take that gift shop job.

Awwwwww!

But then the Captain tells her that she would be miserable working in a gift shop. (Hopefully, none of the other gift shop employees overheard him.) The Captain and Mary Louise part ways.

Again, awwwwwww!

It was a simple story but I have to say that Samantha Eggar and Gavin MacLeod had a surprising amount of chemistry and both of them gave really heartfelt performances in this episode. I found myself caring about them as a couple and hoping that things would work out. Of course, I knew things couldn’t work out because then the show would have to find a new captain.

While all that is going on, shy Sylvia (Patty Freedman) has finally taken the advice of her neighbor, Gopher. She has booked a cruise on the Love Boat! However, Sylvia is painfully shy and doesn’t even realize that there’s a passenger named Monroe (Zane Lasky) who has a crush on her. (Of course, Monroe is pretty shy himself.) Gopher decides that Sylvia needs a confidence boost so he sends her a rose at dinner and tells her it’s from a secret admirer. Unfortunately, Sylvia becomes so obsessed with finding her secret admirer that she continues to fail to notice Monroe trying to talk to her. When Sylvia returns to her cabin, she discovers hundreds of roses. When she tells Gopher about it, Gopher is confused because he didn’t send any roses to her cabin. For some reason, Gopher assumes that Sylvia is now delusional and that she only thought she saw all of the flowers in her cabin. Seeking to restore her sanity, Gopher confesses that he sent Sylvia the rose. Sylvia assumes that Gopher means that he sent all of the roses so, when Monroe confesses to sending the flowers to her cabin, she assumes that Monroe is making fun of her and….

AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Yes, this is another story where all of the problems could have been easily resolved by everyone not acting like an idiot. But you know what? As much as stories like this usually tend to drive me crazy, I actually enjoyed this one. Patty Freedman and Zane Lasky both gave charming performances, even if their characters did things that didn’t always make sense. I was happy when they finally got together. This was a rare case where two passengers really did seem perfect for each other.

Finally, the third storyline featured Arthur Godfrey and Minnie Pearl as Ned and Molly, two seniors who were eloping. Looking to stop the marriage was Ned’s son, Francis (Warren Berlinger), and Molly’s daughter, Rowena (Elinor Donahue). Of course, Francis and Rowena fell in love and the episode ended with everyone planning to get married in a big double wedding. This story was pretty predictable and Berlinger and Donahue went a little bit overboard playing their characters as being uptight prudes in their first few scenes. But, still, at least everyone got a happy ending.

I liked this episode. The crew was likable, the passengers were charming, and everyone found love. Yay!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.22 “Love Me, Love My Dog/Poor Little Rich Girl/The Decision”

Posted on July 5, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s time for Isaac’s heart to get broken, yet again!

Episode 2.22 “Love Me, Love My Dog/Poor Little Rich Girl/The Decision”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on February 24th, 1979)

Isaac has sworn off falling in love with passengers. As he explains it, he’s fallen in love with a movie star, a singer, a criminal, and a journalist and, every time, the romance ended as soon as the ship docked. Isaac is tired of getting his heart broken and, unlike Doc and Gopher, he doesn’t view romance as just being a game.

Still, as soon as Isaac spots Selena Moore (Debbie Allen) boarding the ship, he’s interested. He insists that he’s not going to act on his attraction but both Gopher and Doc tell him that it’s okay to just have some fun. And when Selena starts showing up at the bar and telling Isaac about her doubts about whether or not she wants to get married to her fiancé, Isaac decides to follow Gopher and Doc’s advice. He and Selena have a shipboard romance.

And, of course, Isaac falls in love. He said that he wouldn’t but he does because that’s just who Isaac is. Isaac is the most sincere character on the show. Gopher is goofy. Doc is a walking HR nightmare. Julie is practical. The Captain is stern. And Isaac is the one who impulsively falls in love, even though he knows he’s probably going to get hurt.

When Isaac trips and falls after one night of dancing, Doc jokingly declares that Isaac will never walk again. Selena runs away in tears. That really should have been a clue that she loved her fiancé more than she was letting on. When the ship finally returns home, Isaac can only watch as Selena greets her fiancé, who turns out to be an older man who uses a wheelchair. Isaac can only wipe away a tear and hand the roses that he got for Selena to a random passenger. It’s a bit sad, even though the outcome was predictable. Ted Lange and Debbie Allen both made the story work far better than one might expect it to.

And it’s a good thing that Lange and Allen worked so hard because the other two stories are nowhere near as strong.

One of the stories features Fannie Flagg as Alicia Finch, an eccentric woman who sneaks her terrier (played by Cricket) onto the boat. (Cricket gets her own credit, which is cute). Alice meets Mason Randolph (Gene Rayburn), a single man who also loves dogs! Unfortunately, Cricket starts yapping and biting whenever she sees Mason. It looks like Alicia and Mason will never be. However, when the boat docks, Mason’s dog is waiting for him. Even though Mason’s dog is quite a bit bigger than her, Cricket takes a liking to him. This story was extremely predictable and Gene Rayburn was a bit annoying as Mason. (Apparently, he was a game show host and he delivers almost all of his lines as if he’s waiting for the audience to applaud.) On the plus side, Cricket was really cute.

Finally, Suzanne Welles (Maren Jensen) is a waitress who has won the lottery but now that she’s rich, she’s not sure if auto mechanic Alan Harmon (Dennis Cole) really likes her or just wants her money. Alan is also the Captain’s mechanic and Stubing comes up with a plan that’s so stupid that it makes you wonder if he should really be in charge of cruise ship. Basically, Stubing tells Suzanne that she’s right about Alan and that he’s only after her for the money. Alan then says that the Captain is correct. Stubing thinks that if Suzanne’s suspicions are confirmed, she’ll be able to relax and fall in love with Alan without worrying about why he’s pursuing her and …. wait, what? How does that make any sense? Why would Suzanne continue to spend time with Alan after he tells her that he’s only interested in her for the money? I mean, the boat is full of single, handsome men. The plan is idiotic but somehow, it works! Everyone tells the captain that he’s a genius. Seriously, what a weird story. I mean, Isaac is pouring out his heart and getting hurt again and the Captain is busy encouraging his passengers to lie to each other.

The cruise was definitely mixed bag. The Ted Lange/Debbie Allen story was nicely done. Cricket was cute. Lauren Tewes got to wear a really pretty dress for the ship’s Mexican Fiesta Night and I loved the sparkly blue evening gown that Maren Jensen wore while having dinner at the Captain’s table. But the non-Isaac stories were, respectively, bland and incredibly dumb. I guess no vacation is perfect.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.21 “A Good and Faithful Servant/The Secret Life of Burl Smith/Tug of War/Designated Lover”

Posted on June 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we have a special 90-minute episode of The Love Boat!

Episode 2.21 “A Good and Faithful Servant/The Secret Life of Burl Smith/Tug of War/Designated Lover”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on February 17th, 1979)

It’s a Mills family reunion as John, Juliet, and Haley all board The Love Boat. Despite being related, the three of them appears in three separate and unconnected stories. (There is one moment where Juliet walks past John and he gives her a slightly quizzical “Do I know you?” look.)

John Mills plays Bertram MacDonald, the long-time butler and chauffeur to Estelle Castlewood (Celeste Holm). Estelle has booked herself a vacation cruise on the Pacific Princess and she’s surprised to discover that Bertram has also booked a cruise. As Bertram explains it, the only time that he can take a vacation is when Celeste takes a vacation. At first, Bertram promises to stay away from Celeste during the cruise so that they can both enjoy their vacations without feeling like employer and employee. However, fate keeps bringing them together and soon, Bertram tells Celeste that he has to resign from his position because he’s now in love with her. Fortunately, Celeste is also in love with him so it all works out. Upon returning to America, Bertram again drives Celeste home but, this time, Celeste sits up front with him instead of in the back of her limo. This was a rather sweet story, largely because John Mills and Celeste Holm had a lot of chemistry and, being two veteran actors, they both knew exactly how to deliver their sentimental dialogue without making it sound overly calculated.

Juliet Mills plays Millicent, who is separated from Sherman (David Hedison). Millicent boards the cruise with her 8 year-old son, Lucas (Keith Coogan) and she is shocked to discover that Sherman has decided to take the cruise as well. Lucas blames himself for the separation but, fortunately, he gets a pep talk from a real-life baseball star, Reggie Jackson. (Yes, I did ask my sister who he was.) Even better, Sherman and Millicent realize that they still love each other and agree to call off the divorce. Yay! Again, this was another story that worked because of the chemistry between the two leads. Juliet Mills and David Hedison were convincing as a couple who, for all of their ups and downs, were still willing to give their marriage another chance.

Now, you may be wondering what Reggie Jackson was doing on the cruise. It turns out that Reggie is an old friend of Isaac Washington’s. Apparently, Isaac was known as “Freight Train Washington” in high school. Reggie went on to become a multi-millionaire athlete while Isaac went on to become a bartender on a cruise line. When Reggie boards the boat, he tells Isaac that he doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s famous. However, in an amusing twist, Reggie soon becomes frustrated when he gets what he asked for. He’s soon reduced to telling people that he’s Reggie Jackson, just to have them reply that he looks nothing like Reggie Jackson. Not even Captain Stubing believes that he’s Reggie Jackson! Fortunately, Reggie is finally able to convince Cleo (Telma Houston) that he is who he says he is and the two of them leave the boat together. As an actor, Reggie Jackson was a bit stiff but he still had decent comedic timing and it was hard not to be amused at his growing frustration over being anonymous.

Finally, Haley Mills plays model Cheryl Tyson. Gopher is excited that Cheryl is going to be on the cruise. She’s his favorite model! He even has a big poster on the wall next to his bed in his cabin. Unfortunately, every time that Gopher is near Cheryl, he loses the ability to speak in complete sentences. As such, Gopher spends the majority of the episode fantasizing outlandish, film-inspired scenarios that all lead to him sweeping Cheryl off her feet. Gopher imagines himself as an explorer, an admiral, a knight, a spy, and as Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca. He imagines himself as Elton John, performing Pinball Wizard as the Love Boat crew dances around. He even imagines being in a love triangle with Julie and Cheryl. Eventually, Cheryl gives him a pity date and it’s …. well, this whole storyline was pretty stupid. Fred Grandy was likable in the role and Gopher could be an amusingly goofy character but his fantasies were just so silly and poorly written that I couldn’t wait for them to be over. It’s nice that the show finally gave Grandy a showcase but neither he nor Haley Mills were particularly well-served by this episode.

This was an uneven episode. Even though the stories featuring John and Juliet Mills and Reggie Jackson were nicely done, the Hayley Mills/Fred Grandy stuff took up the majority of the episode and it dragged the whole thing down.

Next week …. Freight Train Washington falls in love!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.20 “Best of Friends/Aftermath/Dream Boat”

Posted on June 21, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s cruise is just weird.

Episode 2.20 “Best of Friends/Aftermath/Dream Boat”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on February 10th, 1979)

This cruise is all about excitement and letdowns.

For instance, Doc Bricker is super excited because his former mentor, Dr. Art Akers (Richard Anderson), is a passenger on the cruise. But then Bricker is letdown when he discovers that, due to a traffic accident, Dr. Akers has lost his arm and can no longer practice medicine. Bricker also discovers that Dr. Akers feels that Bricker has wasted his potential by taking a job as a cruise ship doctor. As Dr. Akers puts it, Doc Bricker should be performing surgery and working in a hospital and not wasting his time dealing with seasick debutantes. Obviously, we’re meant to feel that Dr. Akers is being unfair and Akers is definitely a jerk. At the same time, it is really hard to think of very many times that this show actually showed Dr. Bricker doing anything other than hitting on the passengers. I know that there was an episode where he delivered a baby and another where he performed surgery while at sea but, for the most part, Doc does seem to spend most of his time drinking at the bar and hanging out at the pool.

Anyway, Doc Bricker does get a chance to prove himself. He notices that Akers’s wife, Laura (Diana Muldaur), appears to be hooked on the anti-anxiety pills that she’s been taking ever since the car accident that cost her husband his arm. At first, Akers refuses to listen to Bricker but then Laura ends up stumbling around the ship in a daze and Akers is first to admit that his wife is a junkie and Doc Bricker is actually a doctor. So, I guess that’s a happy ending to that story.

Carol Gilmore (Carol Lynley) is super excited when she boards the cruise because she’s going to finally meet the man who is engaged to her best friend, Gwen (Donna Pescow). She’s also excited because a handsome passenger named Paul (Ben Murphy) hits on her as soon as he sees her. However, she’s letdown when she subsequently discovers that Paul is Gwen’s fiancé! Even after he learns that Carol is Gwen’s best friend, Paul asks Carol to meet him on the deck at midnight. Carol does so and Paul tells her that he hit on her because he was feeling nervous about getting married but that he felt terrible and ashamed as soon as he did so and that hitting on Carol only reminded him of how much he loves Gwen. Carol thinks that is the most romantic thing that she’s ever heard. Gwen is far less impressed and she dumps both her fiancé and her best friend. However, Gwen reconsiders when she later sees Paul dancing with Carol and she decides that she needs both of them in her life.

Finally, the crew is super excited when Captain Stubing is offered a job as the captain of the Lorelei, which is a legendary cruise ship. Though they don’t want to lose him, they do want Stubing to be happy so they spend the entire cruise telling the Lorelei’s owner (Hans Conreid) about what a great guy the Captain is. However, the Captain does not want to leave the Pacific Princess so he starts acting like a jerk in hope that the offer will be rescinded. When the Lorelei’s owner announces that Stubing is such a great captain that he’ll hire him even if he is a jerk, Stubing is forced to finally admit that he doesn’t want the job.

This was a weird episode. All of the stories felt as if they were only halfway written before filming started. The stuff with Gwen, Carol, and Paul felt especially strange, as there was really absolutely no reason for Gwen to change her mind about taking Paul back, beyond the fact that the story had to resolve itself somehow. The storyline about Dr. Akers was a bit more developed but Akers himself was such a jerk that it was hard to really care about him or his bitterness over Bricker having an enjoyable life. As for Captain Stubing’s storyline, it required Stubing to act in ways that were totally out-of-character for him. A Stubing who can’t speak his mind is not the Stubing that the viewers know.

Yeah, this was a weird cruise. I’m just glad everyone made it back home.