Turkish Film Fest: Kilink In Istanbul/Kilink Istanbul’da (1967, dir. Yilmaz Atadeniz)


Earlier this year I reviewed probably the best known Turkish Superman film called The Return of Superman. It’s Thanksgiving week and there are bunch of these fun Turkish movies. I thought I would review a few this week, starting today through Saturday. That, or I have a backlog of these movies and this is a good excuse to watch them. Either way, I hope you enjoy them.

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We are beginning with Kilink In Istanbul. Kilink is the Turkish knockoff version of the Italian comic book character called Killing. This is one of several of these. The best way I can think of to describe them is to compare them to the Fantomas serials from the 1910s. Except if Fantomas was a sadistic kidnapper, murderer, and all around really really nasty guy. I don’t recall Fantomas being this bad. And if Inspector Juve were Superman. No joke, this is Kilink (Yildirim Gencer) fighting Superman (Irfan Atasoy). Although, my subtitles just call him Superhero and other places you see him called the Flying Man, but come on. Just take a look at him.

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At the beginning there is a somewhat confusing opening credit sequence. It’s clearly gonna play at the start of each of these to give a little introduction to the characters. Speaking of characters, here’s the other one.

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And Kilink wears that skeleton thing for the entire movie. The question is what exactly is he in this. During the opening credits some people bring in a coffin, inject a mummy with something, it rises up, and underneath is Kilink. Was he hanging out in there? Was he hiding in there? Was he resurrected? It never really says. He just takes off the stuff, starts to plan a crime, then in seconds is off to do it.

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That being to kill this doctor who he once knew. Presumedly, before he died. Apparently, he has some formula that Kilink needs to complete his ultimate weapon. Kilink thinks he has what he needs, but it turns out pieces are missing. Now we are introduced to the doctor’s son. This is an odd scene because it’s really random. The son is at a graveyard when all of a sudden this guy appears.

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He tells the son he’s going to give him a list of powers. I’m not going to repeat it since it’s almost the exact same thing that Superman’s father says in The Return Of Superman to Superman. You can see it in that review. He tells him that all he needs to say is “Shazam” and he will become Superman. Then he gives him a warning that “only in great danger must be used and not in front of others.” Then POOF! He’s gone up in smoke just as quickly as he came.

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In short order, Kilink’s henchmen show up and try to take Superman hostage. This is when we find out that this Superman is not like the Superman from The Return Of Superman. In that one, he basically stands there till the person tires themselves out, then Superman tosses them aside. This Superman dives right into the action. Sometimes quite literally.

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Superman is already a thorn in Kilink’s side.

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Did I mention this movie moves fast? This movie moves fast! Meanwhile, Kilink is going around reminding us he’s a bad guy. Like when he goes after this girl.

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Then he proceeds to rape her?

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I put the question mark there because I’m not really sure. It seems like that’s what is going to happen, but then she seems to be in to it. Also, there’s a girl later in the movie with the same color hair. I’m pretty sure she hooks up with him, but I’m not 100% positive. That part was a little difficult to follow. Let’s just say, Kilink has a history of being nasty to scantily clad women like the Wikipedia article on the character says. Not that he’s any better to the guys. And that a girl who looks like this is at his side for the remainder of this movie.

At this point, aside from henchmen around Kilink and some people around Superman, it basically becomes a series of showdowns between Kilink and Superman in one form or another. Here’s some highlights.

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Superman Flys

Superman Flys

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I know this was shot in Turkey and the villain’s name does start with a ‘K’, but perhaps they should have only had two henchmen in this shot.

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It certainly is an entertaining hour or so. It really does move fast. It’s like an old serial such as Fantomas, Les Vampires, Judex, or Spiders. It’s a series of action sequences that really don’t move the plot forward, but just set up Kilink and Superman as enemies, then it just ends.

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Well, I have three more of these so I guess we’ll see what happens. In one of them Kilink fights Django. I wonder if that one will ripoff Spaghetti Western music in addition to the James Bond music it uses in this one. Ought to be interesting!

Note: There is a version of this on YouTube that appears to have 20 minutes more of runtime that aren’t even acknowledged as existing on IMDb. Unfortunately, it doesn’t have subtitles and my copy does come up and say “End Of Episode”. In these extra 20 minutes or so it appears Kilink gets his weapon working. Kilink also spends some quality time with his lady friend. A woman dances for Kilink. Then Superman shows up to beat people up. We get to see Kilink and Superman fight a bit. Honestly, you’re not missing much. It’s more of the same: Kilink being evil and Superman fighting people. It also ends out of nowhere. However, if you happen to speak Turkish, then by all means, seek out this clearly more complete version.

Hallmark Review: One Starry Christmas (2014, dir. John Bradshaw)


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Don’t you hate it when you sit down to write about a movie and you have no idea how to start it? That’s when you break out The Ramones and just start it by saying you have no idea how to start it. This movie on the other hand starts when we meet our leading lady named Holly Jensen (Sarah Carter) and her boyfriend named Adam (Paul Popowich). Ah, I knew I recognized Paul Popowich. He was on Degrassi: TNG and that short lived Canadian attempt to create both a new Nancy Drew and a new Hardy Boys TV Show. I think these opening scenes can be best described through these three screenshots.

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She is a doctor of astronomy and her Hardy Boy boyfriend is a lawyer. He is going to have to be absent on Christmas because a business opportunity has come up that calls him away to New York. If only he knew he was in a Hallmark movie, then he would have known that is the mark of death for a current boyfriend. Might as well have put up the crown signal to send a message to all men in the area that now is the time to pounce on her. Well, it turns out that her parents are also in New York.

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She gets the idea to visit her parents after looking at a picture of herself and Adam on MyBudsBook. It’s obviously the pot smokers version of Facebook. Then she buys bus tickets because the movie works better having her meet Luke (Damon Runyan) there, then on a plane. That, and her character is supposed to be afraid of flying. Hmmm…funny that both the guys she has vying for her heart both had recurring roles on Degrassi: TNG. By the way…

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these are some of the best fake Internet screens I have seen this year. I just watched Nightcrawler (2014) and it didn’t even fake the Internet this well.

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This is Luke who seems to be talking to me about the boom mic popping into frame in movies. He is a cowboy cause of course he is. He is on his way to a rodeo. At this point, I must admit this was making realize I really should have reviewed Ballad Of A Soldier (1959) for Veteran’s Day.

The bus breaks down and the two of them have a moment. She shares her love of astronomy with him. They have a similar moment later when they talk about Orion. I must say I was disappointed that she didn’t share the origin of Ursa Major with him. That being the story of when Hercules threw a bear into space.

And no, Luke never fights eight men, then throws a log into space. He doesn’t need to because she already likes him and it turns out her dad is a big western fan. It also helps that Damon Runyan does a good job of just playing a helluva nice guy. They could have made him a high price lawyer too and we still would have totally bought that she should be with him.

The rest of this movie is a couple scenes where we see the two of them have some quality time, and the rest is poor Adam drowning. Luke even whips out a brother who can sing. Once Luke got the folks at the company party who were hiring Adam to do line dancing, it was all over. Shortly afterwards she breaks up with him, but not after saying she wants something that honestly sounds like quite the tall order even for Luke:

“No, Adam. I want love. Not the comfortable, safe kind. I want extraordinary, passionate, everything in sync love where their touch electrifies your soul. When what you want most in the world is to make them happy.”

Okay Holly, but that is a bit much for this movie. Just saying. Regardless, she should be with the cowboy. And yes, he shows up on a horse and they kiss.

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I think this is the third Hallmark movie I’ve seen where the guy shows up at the end on a horse. However, it’s the first one where it makes sense. They set it up nicely, he decides to go after her while he’s at the rodeo, and he’s a cowboy to begin with. It fit much better here than in the other two.

My only real complaint about this movie is why did they bother with the character of Adam? I think this would have been deeper and more moving if she had just got on the bus to visit her family, they meet, and they spend the rest of the movie falling in love. Nice and simple. Sure that would have made it a little tougher on screenwriter Rickie Castaneda, but I think it would have been better that way. He really felt like a third wheel on the movie itself. Still, I enjoyed this one. As always with Hallmark movies, it’s nothing to seek out, but it is a perfectly nice thing to flip on to kill some time around dinner for the holidays.

Seeing as I started this by mentioning The Ramones.

Here’s one for Luke (She’s The One by The Ramones):

Here’s one for Holly (I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend by The Ramones):

And here’s one for poor Adam (Indian Giver by The Ramones):

Hallmark Review: The Nine Lives Of Christmas (2014, dir. Mark Jean)


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Gotta admit, I was worried when I started this movie up. No, not because Mark Jean directed it. I was worried because it was written by Nancey Silvers. Nancey Silvers is the one who brought us the scripts for A Country Wedding and The Color Of Rain. But, it turned out to be decent.

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The movie opens up and we meet Zachary Stone played by Brandon Routh. Yep, the abandoned 2006 Superman himself. The firehouse he works at is putting together one of those hunk calendar things. Even the photographer hits on him.

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Now we meet Marilee White (Kimberly Sustad). She’s a veterinarian student and works at a pet store.

He finds a cat named Ambrose. She is a cat lover herself, but her landlady has a strict no pet policy so she has to hide it. Although we don’t see the bar graph for it like we did in The Wish List, it does look like there’s a high probability she’s going to eat a whole tub of ice cream.

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They meet at a grocery store and either I’m going crazy and seeing it everywhere at this point, or that is the boom mic popping in from the top of the frame.

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There honestly isn’t much to this story. I mean there is some product placement like this.

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They make sure you get a good look at that Folgers coffee. There’s also this rather unfortunate line.

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Finally, trying to figure out where this movie is supposed to take place and this shot not helping matters.

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Some shots will say Portland and others will say Jamestown. Luckily, the filmmakers left in this shot…

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in case we really wanted to know this was shot in Fort Langley, British Columbia, Canada. Or at least that one scene was done there.

Otherwise, what you have here is a straightforward, but well acted enough standard Hallmark romance. Just add cats. I mean he’s dating a girl who’s a stuck up female dog. She’s tossed aside pretty quickly. Marilee’s friend does put her on a dating site, but they don’t do anything with that. They keep spending time together, so do their cats, and eventually they end up together.

Well, there is this with the dating site.

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Uh, doesn’t that mean she has selected she is a man? I mean given there is no other part to that profile page that indicates her gender and it is above the “Looking for a:” box.

There’s really only one problem I had. This film kind of ends, but still has running time left. She hangs up some mistletoe hoping for a kiss from him. He cleverly pretends to not see it for a bit, then swoops in and kisses her. They are already living together at this point. The movie should end there, but it doesn’t. Instead, she mistakenly thinks he went out with some blonde, they’re apart for a bit, and then they find each other again. It should have ended on the kiss, whether that meant stopping the film where it occurred or moving that scene later into the film. It’s an unnecessary last minute speed bump.

That’s a minor complaint. There isn’t anything special here, but I liked the two leads and believed they actually liked each other. This movie even did the moving focus from one actor to another pretty much right. You’d think that is a given, but not in Hallmark movies. Sometimes they move the focus too slow and it gives you time to dwell on the change when there’s no reason to. This movie doesn’t do that.

Sorry there isn’t more to say. At least we can leave it on a shot that makes Brandon Routh look like he’s a psycho with a sign that says “Merry Christmas” behind him!

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Film Review: The Encounter (2010, dir. David A.R. White)


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A few months back Lisa suggested that after I finish with Hallmark movies I take a look at this film. Seeing as I am still battling the onslaught of Hallmark movies, I decided to just go ahead and take a look at it now. I have to admit, I was intrigued by the plot summary. I mean I know why God was running a bar on August 8th, 1953.

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He was there to tell Dr. Sam Beckett that by making differences in the lives of those who he had met during his journey leaping around in time putting right what once went wrong that he had in turn touched more lives than he could imagine. He was also there to finally let Sam give the greatest gift he possible could to his friend and guardian angel Al. That being, to visit Al’s first wife Beth and tell her to wait just a little longer because Al would be found in Vietnam, and be repatriated. And of course, to bring the show Quantum Leap to a close. A show that, along with MacGyver and Real Genius, taught me not to be ashamed of being smart and different. That the world will always need smart people. Not just any smart people either. Smart people who leverage their intelligence to help others. Unconditional help, kindness, acceptance, and love. No membership or surrender required.

So let’s find out what God is doing at a roadside diner roughly 60 years later.

I started the DVD, and I know this isn’t the filmmakers fault, but should I really be seeing this on any film, let alone one that is supposed to be about an encounter with Jesus?

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Apparently, I can be put in jail for up to five years and/or receive a $250,000 fine for making a copy of the DVD. At present, running a red light, which can kill people, will only get you about a $500 fine in California.

The movie opens up and we begin to be introduced to our characters. There is a young girl walking down a country road at night with fog around. A car is coming and instead of moving to the side of the road like a smart person would, she moves further into the middle of the road and swings her arms around. Even the most careful driver, which he isn’t by looking at his cellphone, can accidentally hit someone who isn’t wearing any reflective clothing standing on a dark foggy country road no matter where they stand. But, when we cut to the businessman inside the car and hear him say “what an idiot”, we are supposed to know he is a bad guy.

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Next, we meet the characters who are the central focus of this film. They are a married couple. The wife obviously wants out of the marriage, but the husband clearly still cares about her. Just in case we don’t know the kind of person she’s going to be portrayed as, they have her say, “Yeah, as long as being me means being Mrs. Hank Miller.” in response to him saying, “I’m not stopping you from being you.” Sounds a little on the vague side. It never really gets any better than that. They too are traveling on this same road and spot the girl walking along it. He wants to pick her up, but his wife doesn’t. Again, meant to setup her character as needing redemption except it’s never safe to pick up hitchhikers no matter what their age might be. This doesn’t establish anything as far as she’s concerned, but it does show a lack of backbone in him. Oh, and by the way, she also steps out into the middle of the road again. She’s not the brightest person in the movie.

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Next comes this lady who is also traveling on this road. See the subtitle? I’m glad I had them on because the voice is so low that I didn’t actually hear it. It’s supposed to be the voice of Jesus telling her to pick up the girl. He also tried to tell the husband to do the same thing, but since that didn’t pan out, he tried the next person who came along. Of course she does.

After a brief glance at the diner the film will take place in as one of them passes it, we meet one of two actors who are well cast in this movie.

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This guy (Kass Connors) has an important role, and in the short time he’s on screen he’s good. He does look like he belongs on the set of an 80s slasher movie, but still. I guess I am a little biased seeing as he does remind me of the sheriff from The Boogieman episode of Quantum Leap where the Devil confronts Sam about fixing the things that the Devil made wrong.

He tells the people that the road is out. Seeing as the lady who picked up the girl spotted the Last Chance Diner, she suggests they go back to it. The officer tells them there “was a diner” and to “tell the guy at the diner Officer DeVille sent you.” Spoiler alert! He’s the Devil. Think they’re gonna explain why he has conveniently cut off the roads so these people will go and talk with Jesus? Then you are clearly watching the wrong movie. Remember, this movie could have the alternative title of Salvation: It’s Your Decision.

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They go to the Last Chance Diner and we meet Jesus. And this shot is probably as good a time as any to point out a real systemic problem with this movie. Even if you have no issues with the material. Even if you know this is the kind of movie clearly made for you. It is poorly shot. As you can see actor Bruce Marchiano’s face is out of focus. That happens a lot in this movie. The camera is shaking all the time as well. There’s actually a point where the focus is moving from a character in the background to one in the foreground, but mid change it just cuts away to something else. For anyone watching this movie, these problems really do get annoying and get in the way of the film. And there are other such issues that I’ll point out as we go along.

Before I do continue, I want to mention that just as Kass Connors is well cast as the Devil, Bruce Marchiano is well cast as Jesus. He’s got the right looks for the role and the charisma. I just wish that he was given a more fleshed out and three dimensional character to play here. You do get a few brief glimpses of the kind of performance he could give with a better script, but then he has to go back to what has been written for him, which is unfortunate.

Before anything Jesus responds to a comment that the state trooper said his place was closed with that he has been trying to keep people away from him for years. Then he’s really lousy at it because he shut off the road giving them no choice but to turn around and go to the diner. I’m sure it all has to do with the free will thing. And by free will in this movie, I mean either become a Christian or the Devil is going to take you away. That is the only option given these characters. Jesus even stops time if you pay attention to the clock that never moves in his diner.

The first thing we learn, aside from his name, is that the only drink he serves is water. They even have Jesus say it’s “two molecules of hydrogen and one of oxygen.” His own recipe as he puts it. Think he’s gonna turn that into wine at some point? Nope, but somebody does ask him to do it. He just doesn’t. Have to admit I’m surprised he didn’t answer the request with: “Wouldn’t want to send you out onto the road tipsy, now would I?” Also, if he only serves water, then why are there signs on his wall offering Root Beer, Coke, and Lemonade?

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I know the prices are meant to evoke the 1950s look of the diner, but considering he will immediately and consistently say he only serves water, then it’s confusing. They sort of explain it by saying he took over the diner from someone a long time ago, but still, it’s a sign right behind him saying he serves the very thing he says he won’t. It’s just another one of these little things that should have been fixed before the movie was finished.

Now of course people need to get some food. It goes without saying that the phone doesn’t work and that Jesus knows all their names. We learn that the businessman is an ex-football player who runs a chain of successful restaurants. When Jesus is asked for a recommendation on what to have for dinner, he says he has a special knack for knowing what people want and need. It also goes without saying that everything he’s going to offer is free. Course we’re talking free as in you have to accept all the things I ask of you or the Devil gets you. I think I would have preferred the food offered unconditionally to these people who are hungry. Then again, this isn’t a community kitchen at a Sikh temple, and it is a movie.

There’s a humorous little scene where the husband says it’s a little weird having Jesus ask if he wants fries with his meal, but I would find it a little weirder eating bread given to me by Jesus. You know, given the whole body of Christ thing. Whether it makes sense or not, I would think I’m kind of being a cannibal.

Oh, and inside the first 20 minutes of this movie he is already saying this.

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He’s trying to cut to the chase here, but it is an 85 minute movie. I think it could have benefited by working towards that rather than just shoving it in everyone’s face right out of the gate. The wife and businessman respond by getting up and trying to leave in his car. By that I mean so that the movie can mention that they have essentially made a Twilight Zone episode.

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I think it goes without saying that the car doesn’t start. Inside, the girl asks him basically to prove that he’s Jesus. That she could say she’s Britney Spears, but that it doesn’t make it so. So this is when Jesus performs a miracle which he can do cause he’s Jesus. Just kidding, he pulls out a driver’s license.

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Then he just keeps rattling off things that are supposed to show he knows everything. Now is when he says he can save the one guys marriage if he just asks him to. Think that means he is going to have a heart to heart with the wife. Nope. She kind of just disappears from the film, then reappears and is more willing to give things another shot after just listening to everything else that happens. Five people worked to make this script the way it is. You’d think one of them could have made that happen. But I kind of lied earlier. While the married couple really are at the center of the story. It’s the businessman who gets the most attention.

Then this happens.

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The restroom sign points to the left, but she walks to the right instead. I’d try and give them the benefit of the doubt and say the bathroom is outside, but considering a mistake later, I don’t think so. This happens several times.

Now we get one of those scenes where we get a glimpse of the kind of performance Bruce Marchiano could give with a more fleshed out character.

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He talks with the businessman about his family, he comes across as someone who has been watching his life, and the lives of those around him. I could totally get behind a series of movies where Bruce Marchiano as Jesus goes around helping people. But that’s not really what you get here. He’s here to conduct the equivalent of a time share pitch meeting. This is when Jesus says that if he hadn’t intervened then they’d all be dead because the road was flooded. The businessman has a natural question that since he’s Jesus, he created the storm that caused the deadly conditions. Jesus responds that humans live in a “fractured creation” that caused the storm. Not exactly sure what he is referring to there, but I’d guess it has to do with the whole Garden of Eden story. But regardless, his next lines that say he took advantage of the situation to make a “personal appeal” means he’s working with the Devil because the only reason they returned to the diner was because the Devil told them the road was flooded and blocked them from using the road.

Oh, and this movie still has an hour to go at this point.

Now Jesus starts to lay into the married couple. The problem according to Jesus is that the husband was listening to his wife, not him. So, he just ignores her entirely? Of course not, the point is that the root of this unexplained problem is that she isn’t a real Christian. She snaps back that she goes to church on Sunday and teaches Sunday school. This is a job for Super Christian!

No such luck. She just storms off to the bathroom which still is apparently in the opposite direction of where the arrow is pointing. The nice lady joins her in the bathroom to talk to her. This conversation just reminds me that I do need to get around to watching Every Young Woman’s Battle since this whole marriage plot is based off of the material in that lecture.

There is a little back and forth where Jesus takes credit for acts that hurt people, but kept them from getting killed. It doesn’t matter because this is another time when we get a glimpse of the kind of performance we could have gotten from Bruce Marchiano. The businessman asks him “how many people are going to blow themselves up in your name today in the Middle East” or the people who “blow up abortion clinics”. Jesus says he never asked anyone to do those things. Then the businessman asks him whether he remembers “telling the Israelites to kill the Canaanites before they entered the Promised Land. Men, women, and children. Even the livestock.” He says we call that genocide. Jesus responds that he is “also holy and I cannot allow sin to go unpunished and that’s not just for my sake. It’s for yours. I don’t want you to wallow in sin and rebellion and guilt. I want you to thrive in unending peace and joy. There isn’t one human being on this planet that’s an accident. I hand formed you in your mother’s womb and I formed you for a purpose. I put before you a path of love and worship. And the degree with which you’ll enjoy experience love and joy and the good things of life is the degree to which you’ll bend to my will.” This of course gets the response that anyone who doesn’t bend you your will dies. Jesus says that not everyone needs to fear death. That believing in him essentially makes death inconsequential because as long as you believe, then Heaven is waiting for you.

First off, killing people is killing people no matter who or what you are. If he wants to not have people “wallow in sin and rebellion and guilt”, then why is he spending his time to talking to a handful of inconsequential people at a diner? Has he ordered any more people to die after the Bible was written? He keeps talking about being around all this time and interfering in people’s lives. For the better, but it means he’s taking actions here on Earth and apparently has a history of ordering mass killings. The rest is just comfort food that doesn’t really say anything. None of these things have actual answers to them, but if you’re going to lay things out for me and say I either receive eternal damnation or eternal happiness, then these questions need answers. At least he doesn’t break out the leap of faith line here.

Now we get some stories where Jesus apparently helped these people.

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The first is from the nice lady. She was going to kill herself when a Christian friend of hers called her up to go to a Christian film festival. She says the movie was like nothing she had ever seen before. I don’t know what to say here except it’s depressing that this girls backstory is a plug for and encouragement to go see the very kind of movie you are watching. I can only assume that since I seriously doubt she was at a festival showing something like The Passion Of Joan Of Arc (1928), The Flowers Of Saint Francis (1950), Ordet (1955), The Gospel According To St. Matthew (1964), or even The Passion Of The Christ (2004). And they never give any details except that it felt like it was directed right at her.

Now he tells her that she can’t marry, or at least strongly suggests that she shouldn’t marry the man she was on the road to go to see. The reason is that this guy doesn’t believe in him. He goes on to give some reasons that seem reasonable, but it all comes back around to that he won’t believe and will hold her belief in him against her. In other words, this Jesus believes that people who don’t believe in him, are adversaries of those who do. I would write this off as just a specific case, and not generalize, but these are the same people who made God’s Not Dead. In that movie, Kevin Sorbo plays precisely the person he is describing. An atheist who resents his wife for her being a Christian. A man who does eventually come to Jesus, but only at the point of death. So, when he says he doesn’t want her to be “unequally matched”, he means only two Christians can truly love each other because they both love him and receive his greater love.

It’s also during this conversation that the boom mic drops into frame.

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Cause of course it drops into the frame. It doesn’t seem to matter what I watch lately. The boom mic always makes a cameo appearance.

Then the businessman says something stupid. He actually compares their conversation to “Deal Or No Deal”. Ummm… have the writers actually watched that show? The whole show is a series of gambles that can fall in the contestants favor or not. He says that she should say “no deal”, but in the context of the show that means taking a gamble that there’s something beyond what you have in front of you in order to get something greater. Isn’t that exactly what Jesus is asking of her? To take a chance that instead of listening to the facts in front of her, that he is Jesus and knows what he is talking about.

Then Jesus says something stupid. He says that the businessman’s car wouldn’t start because “it’s not my will that anyone should perish.” Except didn’t you just get finished saying you ordered people massacred? I know religions and ideologies in general are full of contradictions, but why bring them into the movie? He also says he’ll never force himself on him or anyone. Except that’s what he’s been doing this whole time. People have a funny idea of what constitutes forcing something on people. Taking advantage of a situation to preach to people who would otherwise exercise their free will to leave is forcing. He says “what would be more unjust and unfair? For me to steal you at the moment of your death and force you to live in my presence and in my will for all eternity?” Except again, that’s kind of what he’s done here. They were going to die on the road so he closed it to give them all the option of either choosing to live in his presence and in his will for all eternity or leave and die. The only difference is he’s stealing them at the moment of death, then giving them a choice, which really isn’t a choice. He also says no one goes into hell blindfolded. He says “in one way or another, I’ve revealed myself to everyone.” Examples? The nice lady says that maybe if they could just see him. Jesus responds that “not even that would be enough.” Then what’s the point of revealing yourself explicitly to these people? I mean other than there wouldn’t be a movie otherwise.

But he just shifts topics. He starts in about Satan being a root of evil. He says “scratch any sin and just below the surface you’ll find pride.” While we are here, does all this talk about Heaven, Hell, and belief in him mean that anyone who doesn’t automatically goes to Hell? Because it sure sounds like that when you watch this movie. The writers then throw in a little bit about “hoping from bed to bed” for the abstinence crowd, but couch it with “to just satisfy themselves no matter who it hurts”. Oh, and by the way, right after he says that, it cuts to the husband. Is that why the marriage is on the rocks? She’s been sleeping around? It never says.

Now at roughly the 53 minute mark, he finally brings the food they asked for. And there’s still 40 minutes of this left. Go figure! It’s the best food they’ve ever had. This is also when the wife comes around. It kind of comes out of nowhere.

This is when we get the second example of how Jesus helped one of these people in a major way. It comes when we finally get the story of the girl who was walking on the road. During her story she pulls back her shirt to reveal a scar.

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And by scar, I mean something that looks more like a peeling sunburn. I can’t say I’m super familiar with all the different types of scars, but I have more than my fair share of ones from being cut. Regardless, after the movie cuts, it looks more like an actual scar.

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Now we learn more. Apparently, she tried to blow her head off with a gun, but it turned out there were no bullets in it. Jesus had a part in this as we learn. He made sure her stepfather stumbled so that he would take out the clip from the gun.

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That was nice, but who picked up the clip between that shot and the next, when it suddenly isn’t next to the gun anymore.

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During this heart to heart with the girl Jesus asks her if she will “forgive all those people who hurt you, even as I forgive you?” I get the forgiving you bit cause the movie is for people who believe suicide is a sin against God, but why is he asking her to do something he has stated he can’t do. He said he ordered women and children killed because he considers himself holy and they were sinning against him, just as those who have sinned against her. Again, contradictions you find in things like religion, but if you aren’t going to address them, then why put them into the film like this? It doesn’t do the religion any favors. Then Jesus in order to relate to her pulls back his sleeve to reveal where he was crucified and blames it on the sins committed by people such as her stepfather.

And just in case we weren’t sure that that businessman is an atheist and that all atheists are evil, he gives a stupid speech about how Jesus doesn’t even merit his attention to hate. That he treats him with indifference. Jesus digs into him about how he is the way he is because he caved into pressure. An example being that he dropped his accent because he was embarrassed about it. This manages to reach the businessman somewhat. We even get a flashback to when his grandmother fed him a piece of pie. A lot of this is standard stuff, but for the film the problem isn’t that he ignored his past, doesn’t treat people well, and it’s not even pride as this film suggests. It’s that he doesn’t believe in Jesus, and as a result, all of these problems spring to life. That the solution is Jesus. The businessman asks him “what kind of weak-willed man do you think I am?” To which Jesus responds that he’s “the kind of man who hasn’t opened himself up to unconditional love since he was a child.” Back the movie up a little bit and Jesus says that Hell is a place where love doesn’t exist. Hell is a place where those who don’t believe in Jesus go. So if you don’t believe in Jesus, then you go to a place without love. That’s called conditional love. He never says I continue to love those who go to Hell. That means, according to this film, the love of Christ is conditional.

Never thought I’d say it, but thank goodness Satan now shows up to bring a stop to all this.

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Satan says he’s surprised he’s still in business. That he’s surprised anyone is buying what he’s selling. Jesus responds that he isn’t selling anything. Could have fooled me. Earlier in the film you said you took this opportunity to make this impassioned plea to these people. You were trying to sell them on the idea of believing in you as their lord and savior. Again, not necessarily issues with the religion, but with this movie. The Devil says that the road is all clear and they can all now leave. What took him so long? The clock stopping thing is an easter egg in this movie. It’s not brought up. So it’s not like we are supposed to think the Devil has been frozen out there this whole time. And again, why did he close the road in the first place? Several of these people would probably have gone to Hell in addition to the businessman. It doesn’t makes sense from the Devil’s position. At least we do get to see Jesus do the Darth Vader neck grip thing here.

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As he does it he says, “four set free”. Then Satan says, “we’ll meet again.” Sequel bait! But there’s a little more left. Jesus now tries to justify to himself why it’s perfectly fine for him to let this guy go to his death because at least he did all he could. Short of making the road no longer dangerous. I guess it’s better that he dies, then continues to live?

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Ah, rest in peace Ronnie James Dio who happened to die the same year this film came out. And by the way, the horns thing doesn’t have to do with the Devil. I’m getting really sick of jackasses holding things like that over ignorant people. It’s an Italian thing to either ward off the evil eye or give it. Here’s a picture of Sophia Loren doing it in Ghosts, Italian Style (1967) to ward off ghosts.

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Now cut back to the diner, basically to give some parting words which include “that book has all the wisdom you need for your life.” Just in case you weren’t sure this was made for Protestant Christians. He also basically gives the husband a little pat on the back. Then he tells the wife that her husband loves her, but not as much as he does. It’s nothing to read anything into, but it’s interesting that he tells the three girls he loves them, but just gives the husband a little wink and a nod. Just seems a little odd to me. That’s all.

Then we get what we all knew in the first place.

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The diner doesn’t exist, the officer they dealt with doesn’t exist, and that the businessman died in a car crash. Seriously, the movie could have ended on the nice lady leaving the diner. Well, then they show this to make sure we know there’s a sequel called The Encounter: Paradise Lost (2012).

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It’s the director of this film David A.R. White who is being asked that question by Jesus who has apparently gone to the tropics for the sequel. I have that movie in front of me right now. I probably don’t need to watch it seeing as Jesus was obviously not successful. David A.R. White would go on to produce and star in one of the most slanderous, hateful, ignorant, and anti-Christian films I have ever sat through called God’s Not Dead (2014). And I’ve sat through Jud Süß (1940) and The Eternal Jew (1940).

Film Review: Trancers II (1991, dir. Charles Band)


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Well, it sure took them a long time to get back to this series. Actually, they did shoot a sequel before this, but I’ll get to that one after I finish the main releases. This one picks up six years after the events of the first one. In that one we left Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) and Lena Deth (Helen Hunt) in the past of Los Angeles. We also got a short sequel bait at the end in the form of McNulty in his female ancestor’s little girl body. For this installment they appear to have gotten back just about every single person of consequence.

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Jack and Lena Deth

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Art LaFleur as McNulty in future

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Biff Manard as Hap Ashby

Even Telma Hopkins returns as Raines and she was barely in the movie.

Even Telma Hopkins returns as Raines and she was barely in the movie.

The setup here is that Hap Ashby got clean and made a bunch of money in commodity speculation. He needs it since he has taken up the hobby of collecting firetrucks. Jack and Lena live with Ashby on his estate. Whistler’s brother is in the past so that means more Trancers are on their way. McNulty is going to go back in time again into his ancestor along with a time machine. The idea is to bring Jack back to the future with Whistler’s brother in tow. Jack’s body in the future is unsuitable to come back to so he needs to return in his new body. There you go, sequel!

Before I continue, take a look at those screenshots. They do those close portrait shots of the actors a lot in this movie. My guess is not that they couldn’t get the actors in the same place all the time, but that they thought that might happen. As a result, they used that consistently throughout just in case the situation arose. Enter the Trancers!

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That’s when one more actor makes a return. Not sure how, but seven years or so after the production of the original Trancers, they got Alyson Croft to reprise her role as McNulty’s ancestor. I think I enjoyed her performance in this movie the most. I love her entrance into the film. She shows up having some trouble riding a bike before falling over.

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However, while McNulty may have trouble riding a bike, he apparently has no issues putting on makeup.

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This is when one more little important piece of information is dropped on us. In the first film we found out that Jack’s wife was killed by a Trancer. However, in this one we find out that someone was sent back to shortly before she died. They sent her consciousness back in time so that this movie can have some funny scenes between Jack and his two wives.

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This is Alice Stillwell played by Megan Ward. You see, while Jack got sent back into the body of Philip Deth shortly after having sex and McNulty ended up in a pretty and funny young girl, Jack’s wife ended up in the body of a mental patient. And not just a mental patient anywhere either.

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That’s Whistler’s brother who goes by the name Dr. Wardo played by the late Richard Lynch. And he has a sidekick.

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Honestly, if the credits hadn’t told me that was Jeffrey Combs, then I could have easily missed that fact. I really have no idea what Lynch and Combs are up to in this movie. It doesn’t matter. Jack needs to rescue his wife and kill Lynch. It’s that simple.

The long second makes a return! Jack makes good use of it to singe some Trancers. He then comforts three ladies who saw the Trancers disappear by telling them it’s okay because they’re biodegradable. The lines in this just aren’t as good as the first one. Alice also uses the long second to hide the time machine after she finds it. It’s not important why it’s near her. It’s for the same reasons why she is even in this movie. It’s convenient for the plot.

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Meanwhile, Alyson Croft continues to be the funniest person in this movie, which is humorous considering Helen Hunt would go on to do Mad About You and Tim Thomerson was once a standup comedian.

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Jack shows up and rescues Alice while they are moving her. There’s a short exchange where she says he’s the only man she’s slept with, she passes out, and he’s says it wasn’t that bad. Kinda funny, but nothing in this movie is as memorable as lines like “Beef? You mean like from a cow?” or “I’m from another time, another world. I don’t even know what you people eat for lunch.”, which were in the first film.

There’s some screwball stuff here between Jack, Lena, and Alice, but who really cares. Trancers show up, Ashby starts drinking again, and Alyson Croft continues to be funny.

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Now our four Musketeers set out to take down Lynch and Combs. But first we get a cameo appearance by one of director Charles Band’s other movies.

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I’ll probably review that eventually. The only really important plot point left here is that Jack is going to have to send Alice back in the time machine since otherwise she’ll die shortly after returning to her body. I say it’s time for highlights.

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The good guys win in a final showdown with Lynch, Combs, and their henchmen. Jack sends Alice back to the future in the time machine after a parting kiss. McNulty returns to his body to inform Raines that Jack has a new home in the past. Then Jack and Lena kiss just like at the end of the first movie.

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But unlike the end of the first movie, there’s no hint at a sequel here. However, they must have changed their minds because there are five more films in this franchise. This one was definitely a step down from the first. Honestly, I really only recommend it if you are a big fan of the first like I am. We’ll see what’s next for Jack Deth in Trancers III (1992).

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Hallmark Review: Best Christmas Party Ever (2014, dir. John Bradshaw)


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I never saw the boom mic drop, nor does this movie have anyone turn invisible. That’s refreshing. However, the title is a little off putting. Not because it’s super generic, but because I already watched a movie called Best Night Ever (2013) earlier this year. My god was that movie bad. So let’s talk about Best Christmas Party Ever.

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This is our main character named Jennie Stanton (Torrey DeVitto). She’s a party planner. That kind of seems to be a recurring thing in these Hallmark movies. At least no one gets murdered leading her to try and solve a mystery such as Wedding Planner Mystery (2014) did. That would be another movie this is better than.

So Jennie works for a woman named Petra (Linda Thorson). She is throwing a party to step down as head of this event planning company. I know, you want to throw in a joke here that Diana Rigg is going to take over the company, but no such luck. In fact, she never actually says who is taking over. It’s kind of sorta implied that it’s going to be her out work actor son named Nick Forbes (Steve Lund).

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Unless I missed some line where she explicitly says it, she just says she’s stepping down and wants him to work with Jennie to plan the upcoming annual Tyrell Toys party. Whether she makes it explicit or not, Jennie jumps to that conclusion. Now Jennie is kinda like Danica McKellar’s character from Perfect Match (2015). Oddly enough, another Ron Oliver movie this is better than. They both were in this business because they actually had a passion for it. In Jennie’s case, she attended these Tyrell Toys parties as a kid. Also, when her father was out of work, she wished her father would get a job, and Tyrell Toys hired him. In other words, she has personal reasons why she does what she does, and why she especially wants this party to be done right.

Now you’d think he’s going to be a problem and sparring partner throughout for her to wind up with, but not really. He starts off that way, but quickly changes. In fact, I think Jennie sums up his role in the movie quite well.

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Although, referring to him as Dr. Feelgood of course made me think of the Mötley Crüe song.

In which case, she probably shouldn’t eat that hot dog. Who knows what could be in there.

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This guy is her problem. He works at Tyrell Toys. They are romantically involved, but not much of anything is made of that. He just basically gets that look on his face more and more as he realizes her vision for the party is totally different from his. You see, the guy who used to own Tyrell Toys sold the company and now the party is supposed to be a more private company party rather than being a more charitable public outgoing type of thing.

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The rest of the film can be summed up like this. As Jennie continues to try and maintain her vision for the party, the business guy keeps pushing it off the rails while Nick keeps popping in to try and keep her on track. Ultimately, she follows her heart even after Tyrell Toys fires her. She goes to the former owner and decides to throw the party anyways with his support. However, Petra gets wind of it, which leads to…

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product placement. They have a nice long shot of her taking off her glasses and setting them next to that case to make sure you see the name Visionworks. At least it didn’t come at the emotional climax like it did in Always And Forever (2009) where he opens the ring box to make sure we get a nice clear shot of the name Kay Jewelers when he proposes to her. Petra of course backs her decision to throw this party the way Jennie wants to. She wanted to be let in on it, rather than having to find out from somebody else.

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There are a couple little subplots, and a few other characters, but they don’t really matter. The party goes off well. The business guy’s superior catches wind of it and attends. You can see above that he thinks this was a pretty neat tradition that shouldn’t have been tossed aside. Then Jennie and Nick kiss while a ballerina waitress stands behind them.

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This one wasn’t perfect, but definitely one of the better Hallmark Christmas movies I’ve watched so far.

Of course, since it is a Hallmark movie, there is something a little humorous to look for.

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Notice the game on the screen behind her. It’s not that it just looks really cheaply slapped together, but that they still make games that look like they were drawn in MS Paint in reality.

Film Review: Antboy: Revenge Of The Red Fury (2014, dir. Ask Hasselbalch)


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Well apparently, it doesn’t matter what I watch. It can be softcore porn. It can be a Disney Channel movie. It can be a family entertainment cash-in film. It can even be a Danish kids superhero movie. Regardless, it will always include invisibility in it. I don’t know why, but it appears to be true.

Moving onward, back in July one of my first reviews here was for a Danish superhero movie called Antboy. Took me a few months to get back to it, but I’m now reviewing the sequel. Yes, his piss is still acidic. Honestly, they could have renamed this movie Antboy: Young Love Is A Bitch. The film opens up with Antboy stopping a robbery. Then they go to the movies.

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For those of you who haven’t seen the first film. This is a superhero franchise that acknowledges the existence of other superheroes in comics and films. Also, look at the names of the two movies playing. Not since I watched The Amazing Wizard of Paws (2015) have I seen a director shameless plug one of his movies within another one of his movies. Only difference is that this movie is fun, whereas The Amazing Wizard of Paws is pretty bad.

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That’s Antboy/Pelle (Oscar Dietz) on the right and his girlfriend Ida (Amalie Kruse Jensen) on the left. I really only put that screenshot there to make sure you notice the obvious size difference between the two actors. There are at least two times when this movie bumps up against a barrier. In the case of their size difference, it’s that they obviously didn’t have the money to convincingly have Antboy carry her near the end of the film. But they work around that nicely.

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This is Antboy’s friend and sidekick Wilhelm (Samuel Ting Graf). Wilhelm has come up with a solution so that Antboy can stop destroying toilets every time he needs to pee. However, given that this isn’t child porn, they can’t actually show him use that thing. Honestly, they don’t answer how that works till the end of the movie. Until then, you wonder, does he pee into that little bit at the end of that capsule? The look on Antboy’s face when his friend shows it to him makes you think that.

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This is Maria (Astrid Juncher-Benzon). Antboy rescues her on an ice rink from some hockey guys who were harassing her. To say she has a crush on Antboy is a drastic understatement considering the remainder of this film. Just take a look.

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He doesn’t help things by saying he’s going to show up at a party as Antboy, but changes out of the costume, thus standing her up. To say she’s angry is also an understatement. Let’s introduce her dad.

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That red thing he’s wearing is supposed to make him invisible, but it doesn’t. Well, it doesn’t work yet. After abandoning it, Maria finds it in the trash can and it sort of springs to life. I don’t remember if there was a reason or if it just happened. Now she gets to work transforming it into a full fledged uniform.

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I’m sure that uniform isn’t supposed to remind us of Iron Man in slightest even though it’s power comes from a circular thing on it and it is all red.

That makes up the rest of this movie. Basically her trying to get even with Antboy, then going too far after her father ends up getting injured. At that point, she visits The Flea in prison and helps him. Not to break out, but to turn two twin boys into killing machines to go after Antboy.

If you don’t want the ending, then stop here, but it’s not much of a spoil anyways. You already know what that is, but here’s a screenshot to separate this from that.

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In the end, when Antboy is on his last legs with the terrible twosome, he is able to get a change of heart out of her. A part of me wishes she had come around earlier, but considering the setup, I don’t think I would have bought it if it hadn’t come down to a life or death situation. All that needs to be said is that Antboy not only has an ally, but there are now two superheroes in the Antboy universe dishing out justice. She is the Red Fury.

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I’m pretty sure that suit only gives her the power of invisibility, but you probably can’t convince this guy of that…

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because she kicks the crap out of him. I’m just going to assume the suit helps her or that Danish women are just not to be messed with. Probably both.

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Is it as good as the first? No, I don’t think so. But it’s still pretty fun, and I will definitely watch the third one, which is apparently set for 2016.

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Navy Film Review #1: Alice In The Navy (1961, dir. Alekos Sakellarios)


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Recently, Michelle of Michelle, Books and Movies Addict nominated me for one of those blogging awards. I’ve blogged off and on since 2008 so I’ve done blogging awards, blogging associations, blogathons, etc. That’s why I really like writing here cause I don’t have to deal with any of that. I can just write. However, I told Michelle that I would review 10 Navy related movies. I thought that would be fun given that she was once in the Navy. So of course that means I start with this 1961 Greek comedy. How was I so lucky to come across this as the first movie?

It’s about a girl who falls in love with a sailor, follows him aboard ship, and needs to be hidden as a male sailor from her father who captains the ship. I know this doesn’t sound very realistic, but Michelle has assured me this once happened on a ship she was aboard (sarcasm). The difference was by the time she was in the Navy sailors had stopped breaking into random and pointless musical numbers. Speaking of musical numbers, this is one of those foreign musicals that doesn’t bother to subtitle the singing. They dub the dialogue, but I have no idea what they are singing. Can you imagine watching Singin’ In The Rain (1952) without knowing what they are singing about? Anyways, the movie opens up on a beach ball in the water.

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Then we see a ship come along and pick it up. This ticks off a girl in another boat. This is Alice or Aliki (Aliki Vougiouklaki) depending on which version you are watching.

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As you can see, she’s not happy about having her ball taken by the other ship. She jumps in the water and swims to the other ship. The guy there decides to play a pirate since she’s already called him one. But really, was it necessary to nearly bonk the guy on the head with the boom mic?

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The boom mic has been dropping in a lot of the movies I’ve watched lately. However, to be fair, none of them have beaten The Explosive Generation (1961) in that department.

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And that boom mic moves from the upper right to the center of the classroom, then droops down even further. But back to Alice In The Navy because it’s time for Alice to sing while riding a donkey.

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I have no idea why, but then again I didn’t know why there needed to be music in the Bollywood remake of Switch (1991) called Mr. Ya Miss (2005), but there is. And more importantly, why have I seen it? It was bad.

Well, a large portion of this movie can be summed up like this.

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Actress Aliki Vougiouklaki parades around in cute outfits.

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Alice and sailor boy keep looking for each other and occasionally do find each other.

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And the movie pads itself out with shots that don’t need to exist.

Wanna take a guess when the movie finally has Alice aboard the ship dressed as a sailor?

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It happens 60 minutes into this 90 minute movie. Not since I watched Programmed To Kill has a movie taken that long to finally get to the point. And once it does, it doesn’t matter because the remainder is music, trying to hide her by pretending one of the male sailors can do a natural female voice (which his superior buys he can do), and the boys trying to get her a dress to leave the boat wearing.

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This is all highly inaccurate. I can buy that male Greek sailors break out into song in Greek and speak dubbed English, but I can’t accept that any of them have done voice training to speak with female voices just for kicks.

Of course the father finally catches on and they get punished. By punished, I mean they get married.

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This movie was bad. It just seems to drag on forever before getting to the it’s main plot point where it does a little music and a little unfunny comedy before just ending. It felt like just an excuse to say: Hey! We got hot blonde girls here in Greece too! Take that France and that Bardot woman of yours.

There’s no reason to sit through this. I’m sure there must be better movies with Aliki Vougiouklaki in them. Apparently, she was quite popular in Greece.

Film Review: Mom’s Outta Sight (1998, dir. Fred Olen Ray)


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For those of you keeping track, this is now the third movie with invisibility that I’ve reviewed for this site. Invisible Centerfolds was a late night cable movie. Invisible Sister was a Disney Channel Original Movie that for some reason included a scene of a girls pep squad giving each other massages (yes, I know that actually happens, but it shouldn’t have been in the movie). And now we have Mom’s Outta Sight directed by Peter Stewart. Yeah, you can even put a fake bio for that fake name on the DVD Fred Olen Ray…

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but we know it’s you. What is with this guy and making parents invisible? He also directed Invisible Mom (1996), Invisible Mom II (1999), and Invisible Dad (1998). In recent years he must have decided that it was enough with invisible parents so now pets must be invisible with Abner, the Invisible Dog (2013). Now he seems to have latched onto the Christmas movie craze. Given his roughly decade long commitment to making every movie possible with “Bikni” in the title, I guess Invisible Santa In A Teenie Weenie Bikini is just around the corner for Fred Olen Ray.

Mom’s Outta Sight is what happens when a king of the cash-in genre decides to cash in on the 90s family entertainment craze. That’s the same kind of thing that brought us those two stupid Skateboard Kid movies. Too bad I can’t write reviews that short anymore. So, here we go.

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The movie opens up and who cares what happens there. The movie revolves around this machine called the Triton. What does it do? Apparently, whatever is convenient for the movie. Seriously, one minute it’s transporting things from one place to another. Then it can rearrange someone’s molecules to turn them into another person, animal, or anything else. Suddenly, it can also turn someone invisible. This is a very handy device for screenwriters.

The guy on the left is a scientist that is being payed off to help some bad guys get the Triton. The girl in the middle is working with him and will be transformed into the guy (Hannes Jaenicke) on the right to help steal the plans for the Triton. So wait, Invisible Sister turned out to be a body swap comedy in disguise and this one is largely a gender body swap comedy. At least with this one, when she becomes him and acts like a female stereotype, she was already a female stereotype before the switch occurred.

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There are some kids and other people, but who cares. The only other person of consequence is Mom (Mary Elizabeth McGlynn).

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The bad guys plan is to turn that one lady into the Dad so that they can steal the Triton, blame it on the Dad, and get the plans at the same time. In other words, it’s this movie’s excuse for why the girl scientist needs to become a man instead of simply replacing the mom since she needs to become invisible and all. Well, she spends a bunch of time making an ass of herself as the Dad before people really catch on. Thank god Mom has that degree in fiber optics! No seriously. There’s a scene early in this movie where the Dad bitches about the fact that she’s chosen to spend her time raising the kids instead of also putting her degree she worked for to use. Also, they drop in that she was once a biker. Anyways, Mom knows what to do!

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That’s right! Make sure to screw it up so that she ends up invisible. Now Mom is on a mission! A mission that takes her past this.

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This actor gives the worst fake sneeze I have ever heard in a movie. While I’m talking about sound in this movie, throughout this thing it plays some of the most stock family friendly movie music I’ve heard in a while. I thought I was watching A Talking Cat!?! (2013). And if you haven’t suffered through that movie yet. Here’s the best of A Talking Cat!?!

Oh, and there’s a second one called A Talking Pony!?! David DeCoteau’s feminine side called Mary Crawford apparently likes making really bad animal movies. But getting back to this bad movie. Things come to a head pretty quick. All you need to know is that this giant rat…

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still looks better than CGI Splinter in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014). And it all ends like we expect. Well, yes, the movie does reference The Invisible Man with Claude Rains, Mom’s biker friends show up, and the bad guys are caught, but I mean this.

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That’s right! Mom turns the family into human cats.

Ugh, this was bad. Really bad. Stay away from this one. Now I’m going to have to review those other Fred Olen Ray movies with invisibility in them, aren’t I? Life sucks!

Children’s Horror: R.L. Stine’s The Haunting Hour: Don’t Think About It (2007, dir. Alex Zamm)


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Then the mask turns a little more to reveal the subtitle “Don’t Think About It”. It’s hard not to think about the fact that Emily Osment is one of the Disney Channel stars who sings when you have her do it over the ending credits.

I watched the three other R.L. Stine movies for October. Not sure why I wound up going in reverse chronological order, but I did. This one really should be called R.L. Stine’s The Haunting Hour: How Many Other Movies Can We Reference?

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The movie opens up with this kid in his room scared that something is in his closet. But really, this kid should be more frightened by the fact that his pillow changes between cuts. It was like this before he got up.

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Then as he moves closer to the closet, it changes back. As for the supposed monster in the closet, Major Payne (1995) taught us what to do about that.

Of course that can’t happen here because his sister Cassie played by Emily Osment is in there. That would make for a really short movie. But while shenanigans are going on inside, this guy is outside kindly posing to reference the poster for The Exorcist (1973), and maybe trying to look like El Topo from El Topo (1971)

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Now we go to The Knoxville Jr. High School and get a good look at Cassie.

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Yes, Cassie is every 90s Goth girl rolled into one except she’s missing the Nine Inch Nails T-Shirt.

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And that’s Priscilla (Brittany Curran) in the middle and a friend of her’s on the right who apparently could go as actress Stacey Farber for Halloween. I’m not exactly sure what she’s looking up at, but I’m guessing it’s what shows up from the top of the screen a little later.

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After we find out that Cassie has no idea how to deal with Priscilla, She-Devil of Knoxville Junior High to get the attention of blondie boy toy Sean (Cody Linley), we meet the stranger from the street. Cassie finds him in a Halloween Store tucked away in a tiny alleyway. He’s played by Tobin Bell who proves once more that once you’re captured by the Hallmark/Lifetime/Disney/ABC/Nickelodeon net, you never escape. And he appears to be selling a copy of the Necronomicon.

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It’s been awhile since I saw Army Of Darkness (1992) or Evil Dead II (1987), but I’m sure there’s a scene where Ash sells it to this guy. Of course Cassie buys it, opens it, and reads from it even though it says “Do Not Read Aloud”. This of course brings about evil things immediately such as the boom mic popping in from over this kid’s head.

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Funny, considering this came out the same year as Twitches Too where the boom mic also popped down into the frame. Hmmm… the kid is black and there’s the boom mic. This must be young Dolemite. Well, Cassie should have no problem with monsters now. Just make friends with this kid. If he’s Dolemite, then he doesn’t even have to touch you to hurt you.

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It also leads to the parents playing a really stupid game involving squirrels and popcorn with XBOX 360 controllers.

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Now the movie just becomes a series of references to other movies.

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Priscilla gets the Carrie treatment with roaches.

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I’m guessing this kid is Captain Jack Sparrow if he were a vampire and had the Rocky Horror lips.

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One of several times this movie will reference Jurassic Park (1993). This is when the monster Cassie unleashed takes away a Papa Johns pizza delivery boy. They really do have the tastiest delivery boys. Dominos has the tastiest delivery girls. Actually, it will turn out that the monster is taking people in order to create a scene that references the Alien movies.

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This isn’t a reference, but kudos this movie for reminding me of how kids like to pad out writing assignments.

There’s also a scene here with ectoplasm. After that Scared Topless movie, I can never enjoy a movie with ectoplasm again. Thanks a lot, Dave Zani!!!

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While Cassie’s younger brother is attacked by more Jurassic Park references in his room we get what appears to be a reference to the creepy monkey from Close Encounters Of The Third Kind (1977).

All of this leads up to a scene where Cassie and blondie need to go and save delivery boy, her younger brother, and apparently also Priscilla. This scene references Alien and what I’m assuming must be Shivers (1975) and/or Slugs: The Movie (1988) after monster babies break out of eggs and slither across the floor. Of course we all knew this reference was coming.

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Yep, the scene from Say Anything… (1989) where John Cusack held up a boom box to lure the monster out of the house in order to kill it. It’s probably been about 15 years since I saw that movie, but my memory never fails!

After they vanquish the monster and the pizza boy hits on Priscilla, the movie takes the opportunity to reference The Lord Of The Rings when they go to burn The Evil Thing. The book is saved from destruction and ends up in the hands of the parents who proceed to read from the book. Then Emily Osment starts singing over the credits. Can’t say I knew that Dave Mustaine was her producer.

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All jokes aside, this movie and The Cabinet Of Souls are the best of the four R.L. Stine movies I’ve watched so far. I recommend The Cabinet Of Souls first, then this one.