Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.11 “The Mermaid/The Victim”

Posted on August 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

Smiles!

Episode 3.11 “The Mermaid/The Victim”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on December 1st, 1979)

This week, Fantasy Island suddenly becomes the most dangerous place on Earth.

Julie Bett (Joan Prather) comes to the island with a simple fantasy. She wants a date — just one date — with a man that she met briefly four years ago. Mr. Roarke asks Julie if perhaps she has overidealized her memories of Michael Duvall (James Darren). Julie says no and that Michael is the ideal man. Roarke reveals that Duvall lives on a nearby island where Roarke has no legal authority. Julie says that fine, since the date will be on Fantasy Island. Roarke reveals that Duvall is usually not allowed to step foot on Fantasy Island because of his shady reputation. Julie replies that there’s nothing shady about Michael Duvall. Roarke finally allows Duvall to come to Fantasy Island for the date.

Of course, within minutes of arriving, Duvall has drugged Julie’s drink and then whisked her back to his own island. It turns out that Michael Duvall is a Jeffrey Epstein-style human trafficker and his estate doubles as a prison for the women that he had abducted. His evil assistant, Madame Jeannot (Yvonne DeCarlo), announces that there is no way that Julie can escape and, to prove her point, she introduces Julie to Annie (Cathryn O’Neil), who tried to escape and was severely beaten as a result.

Julie tries to rally the other prisoners (including Dorothy Stratten, who would be murdered 8 months after this episode aired) to fight back against Duvall, Jeannot, and their servant. If her rebellion fails, Julie knows that she’ll never be seen again….

Meanwhile, oceanographer Harold DeHaven (John Saxon) has come to Fantasy Island with his wife, Amanda (Mary Ann Mobley). Harold and Amanda have a troubled marriage, largely because Harold is too obsessed with his work and his desire to make a major discovery of some sort. No sooner has Harold started walking along the beach then he comes across a mermaid! Princess Nyah (Michelle Phillips) is apparently a well-known figure on Fantasy Island and, at one point, Roarke even confronts Nyah about her history of trying to lure the guests to their deaths. Can Amanda prevent her husband from drowning in his attempt to be with Princess Nyah?

(This episodes leaves us to wonder just what exactly Fantasy Island’s legal liability would be if someone died as a result of their fantasy. Seriously, it seems like Mr. Roarke has really left himself vulnerable to a lawsuit.)

Anyway, Julie and the other kidnapped women manage to escape from Duvall’s estate, just to find Mr. Roarke and a bunch of policemen waiting for them. Roarke explains that he knew what Duvall was doing but he needed proof before he could contact that authorities. Julie provided the proof. Essentially, Roarke is saying that he put Julie’s life at risk to take down Duvall but Julie and the other women seem to be amused by the whole thing. Everyone smiles as Mr. Roarke says that he’ll take them back to Fantasy Island. I guess PTSD doesn’t exist on the islands.

Meanwhile, Amanda’s efforts to keep Harold from swimming off with Nyah nearly leads to Amanda drowning. Seeing his wife risk her life for him, Harold realizes that he really does love Amanda and both he and Amanda return to dry land. Disappointed, Nyah swims off.

Yay! Everyone lived! As they all left the Island, no one seemed to be the least bit traumatized by nearly dying. At the plane flies away, Roarke suggest that Nyah’s new target might be Tattoo. “Be serious, boss,” Tattoo, “I can’t even swim.” The thought of his assistant dying a terrible death from drowning cause Roarke to laugh out loud as the end credits roll.

There was a weird episode and compulsively watchable as a result. Seriously, how do you not love John Saxon following Michelle Phillips into water? That said, Fantasy Island seems like a very dangerous place.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.10 “Class of 69/The Pug”

Posted on August 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, boxing comes to Fantasy Island!

Episode 3.10 “Class of 69/The Pug”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on November 24th, 1979)

Once again, this episode opens with no banter between Mr. Roarke and Tattoo. Instead, Tattoo announces the arrival of the plane and rings the bell and then he and Mr. Roarke head down to the docks to meet their guests. This is the third episode in a row without any pre-guest banter and I have to admit that I’m really missing it.

As for this week’s guests, they’re an improvement on last week’s rather forgettable offering.

Joey Lee (Gary Collins) is a former heavyweight boxer who comes to the Island with his son, Mitch (K.C. Martel). Joey thinks that he’s just been hired to serve as a sparring partner for the world champion, Jackson Malone (Fred Williamson). Jackson has a title defense coming up, right on the Island. What Joey doesn’t know is that Mitch’s fantasy is for his father to have a shot at the championship. When Malone’s opponent has to drop out of the fight, Joey is named as a substitute. Mitch is excited, until he finds out that Joey is being pressured to take a dive in the third round. Will Joey throw the fight? And, even if Joey doesn’t, how will Mitch react to seeing his father getting pounded in the face by the world champion? Will Mitch learn that his love for his father is more important than his father’s championship?

This fantasy was a typical Rocky rip-off, right down to Fred Williamson doing a credible Apollo Creed impersonation. The problem, of course, is that the middle-aged and mild-mannered Gary Collins was in no way credible as a heavyweight boxer. The fact that the world champion was played by an actual athlete didn’t help matters. (It’s true that Carl Weathers, like Williamson, was also a football player before he played Apollo but Sylvester Stallone himself had been an amateur boxer before he played Rocky so it was easier to buy the idea of their match going the distance.) In the end, I liked the fact that Mitch realized that his father’s health was more important than being champion. The fantasy had a nice ending, even if it’s difficult to buy the set-up.

The other fantasy featured Adrienne Barbeau as Brenda Richards. When she first arrives on Fantasy Island, Tattoo comments on how obese Brenda is, even though she’s only a few pounds overweight. (Adrienne Barbeau wears a very unconvincing fat suit.) Mr. Roarke explains that Brenda was humiliated at her high school prom when her date, arrogant jock Lance (Tim Thomerson), tricked her into undressing in the gym before then bringing in the entire senior class in to laugh at her. (Yikes!) The high school reunion is being held on Fantasy Island and Brenda’s fantasy is to get revenge. Roarke gives her a potion which allows her to be thin for 48 hours. (In reality, Barbeau just ditches the fat suit.)

At the reunion, Brenda tricks Lance into taking off his wig. The entire senior class discovers that Lance is totally bald and they laugh and laugh. Everyone is impressed with Brenda’s revenge except for Brenda’s old high school friend, Bernie Drexel (Fred Grandy, taking a break from The Love Boat). Brenda sees that she was just as cruel to Lance as he was to her back in high school so she makes a public apology and encourages everyone to be kind to one another. Barbeau then puts the fat suit back on. Bernie says that Brenda will always be the most beautiful woman that he knows. Awwwww!

I actually liked this fantasy, largely because of the chemistry between Barbeau and Grandy. Plus, Tim Thomerson made a great arrogant jock. I know that some people will say that this episode featured too many jokes about Brenda’s weight (especially considering the fact that, even before drinking the potion, Brenda was hardly obese) but I appreciated the fact that it had an anti-bullying message. And if her romance with Bernie inspires Brenda to eat healthy and start getting regular exercise, all the better!

At the end of the episode, Mr. Roarke tells Tattoo that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. “To me,” Mr. Roarke says, “you are six feet two inches tall.”

Uhmmm….yeah, I don’t know how I feel about that ending. It seems like the show, whether intentionally or not, is saying that Tattoo will be forever unloved because of his height. Even without the pre-guest banter, Roarke is finding ways to passive-aggressively taunt his assistant. That’s life on Fantasy Island.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.9 “The Dancer/Nobody’s There”

Posted on August 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The past two weeks of Fantasy Island saw Mr. Roarke getting married (and losing his wife) and Tattoo getting his heart broken. Will this week’s episode be just as dramatic? Read on to find out!

Episode 3.9 “The Dancer/Nobody’s There”

(Dir by Gene Nelson, originally aired on November 17th, 1979)

For the third week in a row, this episode of Fantasy Island features Mr. Roarke and Tattoo heading straight to the docks so that they can meet their guests without making any time for any Roarke/Tattoo banter. On the one hand, the scenes where Tattoo would tell Roarke about his latest scheme were always a bit awkward because of the obvious bad feelings between Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize. On the other hand, they did reveal that Tattoo had a life outside of just following around Mr. Roarke. I will be a little bit sad if they’re gone forever.

As for this week’s fantasies, neither one adds up too much.

Big Jake Farley (Max Baer, Jr.) is a big, strapping cowboy who will tell anyone who will listen that he’s from “Big D.” (“It’s a mite south of Heaven.”) I’m from Big D too and I will admit that I’m a bit sensitive when it comes to the whole “All Texans are cowboys” stereotype so I pretty much spent this entire fantasy in cringe mode. Big Jake wants to meet Valeska de Marco (Carol Lynley), the ballerina whose hard work and perfectionism inspired him when he was just a penniless cowpoke. Now that Big Jake is a wealthy rancher and oilman, he wants to marry Valeska and take her back to the ranch. Unfortunately, Valeska is already engaged to Stuffy Q. Borington III (Howard Morton). When Valeska suffers a career ending injury, will Big Jake be able to convince her to come open an acting school in Big D and will Mr. Roarke help everyone’s fantasy come true?

You already know the answer. Everyone gets a happy ending on Fantasy Island, except for that time Mr. Roarke got married.

Eh. Considering that this fantasy combined several of my favorite things — ballet, Texas, tropical islands — it’s a bit of a shock just how boring it turned out to be. The main problem was that there was zero chemistry between Baer and Lynley. Both of them came across as if they would rather be anywhere but on Fantasy Island.

As for the other fantasy, it featured Toni Tennille as Betty Foster, a former fast food worker turned private investigator. Her fantasy was to solve a big case. With Roarke’s help, Betty was hired by Contessa Christina Kastronova (Stepfanie Kramer) to accompany the Contessa to the reading her cousin’s will. The Contessa felt her cousin had been murdered and she feared she might be next. Betty pretended to be the Contessa during both the reading of the will and the subsequent night spent in a scary, dark house with all of the Contessa’s relatives. Anyway, Dick Sargent turned out to be the murderer and Betty realized that she’d rather marry one of the Contessa’s relatives than continue on as a private eye.

As far as this fantasy went, I liked the scary house and I found the scene where Roarke and Tattoo debated which one of them should stay behind with Betty to be amusing. (Tattoo, of course, ended up having to stay.) But the mystery didn’t add up too much. To be honest, as soon as Dick Sargent showed up, I knew he was going to be the bad guy. I mean, I’ve seen Clonus.

Especially when compared to the previous two episodes, this episode was fairly forgettable. Everyone got their fantasy but no one made much of an impression.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.8 “The Handyman/Tattoo’s Romance”

Posted on August 1, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, on Fantasy Island, Tattoo falls in love!

Episode 3.8 “The Handyman/Tattoo’s Romance”

(Dir by Lawrence Dobkin, originally aired on November 10th, 1979)

Following the death of his wife last week, Mr. Roarke is once again back to being his usual cranky, Tattoo-hating self. And this week, Mr. Roarke has a special reason to be annoyed with his assistant. Tattoo has gone rogue!

As Mr. Roarke explains it, he has rejected the fantasy of Donna May Calloway (Audrey Landers) twice. Donna May says that she wants to be a country-western superstar but Mr. Roarke doesn’t feel that she has the talent and he also feel that Donna May is being pushed into it by her aunt, Ellie Simpson (Carolyn Jones). Ellie had to give up her own musical dreams when she was younger and now she’s forced them onto Donna May. However, Tattoo takes it upon himself to bring Donna May to the Island and to get her an audition with country-western producer, Colonel Hank Sutton (Richard Paul). Mr. Roarke correctly perceives that Tattoo is being blinded by his own crush on Donna May.

Col. Sutton is not impressed with Donna May’s audition. (It doesn’t help that Ellie pressures Donna May to sing a corny song about losing her boyfriend to her best friend.) Still, Ellie is convinced that Tattoo can somehow talk Col. Sutton into giving Donna May another chance. Ellie tells Donna May to use Tattoo’s attraction towards her for own purposes. Though reluctant, Donna May starts to flirt with Tattoo.

Tattoo may be in love but Mr. Roarke is enraged. He confronts Ellie and Donna May in their cabin and tells them that he will not allow them to manipulate Tattoo. (Much as with last week, Ricardo Montalban is obviously energized by having the chance to play Mr. Roarke as being something other than just an enigmatic host.) Ellie goes to Tattoo and lies, claiming that Mr. Roarke told them that Tattoo is not good enough for Donna May. What a bitch!

This leads to — and I’m not joking here — a sincerely touching scene between Mr. Roarke and Tattoo. Tattoo tells Mr. Roarke what Ellie said. Mr. Roarke replies that what worries him more than Ellie saying that is the thought that Tattoo might believe it. Tattoo says that he doesn’t but that he loves Donna May and that he’s going to leave Fantasy Island to be with her. By most accounts (including their own), Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize did not get along on the set but you’d never guess it from this wonderfully performed scene. Both of them deliver their lines with such sincerity and emotional vulnerability that it’s impossible not to be moved by their friendship.

Mr. Roarke confronts Donna May and Ellie in the Fantasy Island recording studio. (Yes, Fantasy Island has its own recording studio.) Donna May is stricken with guilt when she hears that Tattoo is giving up Fantasy Island for her. She tells Ellie that she’s going to live her own life from now on. After Ellie leaves in a huff, Donna May says that she must find Tattoo and apologize to him.

Suddenly, Tattoo reveals that he’s been in the recording the booth the whole time. “Apologize to the boss, first,” Tattoo orders, revealing that his first allegiance will always be to Mr. Roarke. Donna May and Tattoo then sing a country song together. No, I’m not making that up. It’s weird but kind of sweet.

As for the other fantasy, it’s far less interesting. Holly Ryan (Future Congressman Sonny Bono, who was a bit of a regular on both this show and The Love Boat) is an accountant who witnessed a murder committed by a gangster named Spider Sloat (Joey Forman). Holly’s fantasy is to hide out from Spider and, when Spider and his men suddenly show up on the Island, Holly ends up doing just that at an orphanage run by Emily Perkins (Shelley Fabares). Holly falls in love with Emily, takes care of the orphans, and puts on a dress when Spider comes looking for him. It’s a thoroughly lightweight fantasy that largely serves to remind us that no one nicknamed Spider can be convincingly intimidating.

As silly as the second fantasy may be, the first fantasy makes up for it. Much as with last week’s episode, both Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize give such strong performances that this silly little show actually brought a tear to my mismatched eyes.

Will next week be as good? We’ll find out!

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 7/23/23 — 7/29/23

Posted on July 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Big Brother starts next week and I’m going to have a lot less free time. (I probably should have made better use of my free time this week!) That said, I skipped the Big Brother special that CBS aired this week because I knew there wouldn’t be anything interesting revealed. Big Brother is a show that I both love and hate in equal measures. I never find myself looking forward to it but I always watch once it starts.

Anyways, here some thoughts on what I did watch this week!

City Guys (YouTube)

I wrote about City Guys here!

Claim To Fame (Monday Night, ABC)

I have to admit that Cole was one of the players who I thought had a really good chance of winning the game so I was a little surprised to see him leave the show this week. For the record, he was Alicia Keys’s brother. At this point, I’m just rooting for Olivia.

Degrassi High (YouTube)

I watched an episode on Sunday. Everyone was smoking weed.

Degrassi: The Next Generation (Tubi)

I watched a few random episodes on Sunday. Most of them were from the superlong tenth season, which isn’t really Degrassi’s best season but it is one that I occasionally like to revisit just because it’s not one of those seasons that really demands that you put a lot of effort into concentrating on what was happening on-screen. The tenth season of Degrassi is perfect for background noise.

Fantasy Island (YouTube)

I wrote about Fantasy Island here!

Jenny Jones (YouTube)

The episode that I watched on Thursday was entitled “I Want My Child To Stop Listening To Marilyn Manson.” The kids loved Marilyn and the parents were panicking. Jenny Jones told her audience, “Now, you know, Marilyn Manson is a guy, right? He’s a male.” One of Jenny’s guests was a cutter. The audience booed her, which I doubt helped. “He is far from being one of the beautiful people!” one parent said, “He is a sadistic pig!” I think this episode was from 1996.

On Friday, I watched an episode in which Jenny revealed the results of DNA tests. As a host, Jenny Jones was so flustered and spent so much time stumbling over her words that I actually got a headache while watching her.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

The Master (Tubi)

I wrote about The Master here!

Sally Jessy Raphael (YouTube)

On Thursday, I watched an episode about young people with lovers who were old enough to be their grandparents. Many of them had angry family members who wanted to yell at them on national television. The audience did a lot of booing.

I followed this up with an episode in which women were encouraged to dump their “cheating boyfriends.” One of the boyfriends had cheated on his girlfriend with a 13 year-old! Hopefully, they broke up after the show.

I then watched a third episode, in which bratty teenagers talk about how much they disliked the men that their mother dated. I cringed as I was flooded by memories of my own bratty behavior whenever my mom started to date someone new.

On Friday, for reasons that even I can’t quite fathom, I watched another episode in which Sally gave updates on out-of-control teens, the majority of whom were still out-of-control. The boot camps did not work.

Stars on Mars (Monday Night, Fox)

The silliest reality show on television right now continued this week, with Rhonda Rousey asking to be sent back to Earth. Fortunately, since no one on the show had actually left Earth to begin with, it was a quick journey home. As for who I hope wins Stars on Mars …. eh, whatever the prize is, give it to William Shatner. I know he’s the host and he probably only had to spend a day or two pre-taping all of his scenes but he’s still the most entertaining part of the show.

The Steve Wilkos Show (YouTube)

I watched an episode on Thursday. Two brothers with really deep acne scars were on the show, trying to figure out which one was the father of a baby. Their annoying mother came out and screamed at everyone. It was so incredibly trashy that it become oddly fascinating.

I followed this with a second episode, in which Steve tossed an abusive boyfriend off of his stage. That was satisfying to see. Believe it or not, I do think that Steve was perhaps a bit more sincere than his fellow daily talk show hosts. The dislike that he felt towards abusers and cheaters always seemed real in a way that Maury Povich’s similar outrage did not.

On Friday morning, I watched two episodes while doing some work in my office. The first episode featured a woman with a scummy, abusive boyfriend. She dumped him at the end of the episode and the entire audience chanted her name. This was followed by an episode featuring a woman who claimed that her ex-boyfriend had stolen the ashes of her deceased and cremated child. That was weird and depressing.

Welcome Back Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back Kotter here!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.7 “The Wedding”

Posted on July 25, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Mr. Roarke gets married!

Episode 3.7 “The Wedding”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on November 3rd, 1979)

Helena Marsh (Samantha Eggar) and her son, Jamie (Paul John Balson), return to Fantasy Island!

The last time Helena visited the Island, she and Mr. Roarke ended up falling in love but Helena ended up leaving the Island so that she could return to the clinic that her late husband started in India. However, Helena has now come back to the Island and she has only one fantasy. She wants to marry Mr. Roarke! Mr. Roarke is going to make her fantasy come true. He’s so happy that he doesn’t even yell at Tattoo during this episode.

The entire Island is excited about the wedding. However, Tattoo grows concerned when he hears Helena’s parents (played by Laraine Day and Joseph Cotten) talking about how unfair it is that Helena is dying and probably won’t even survive the honeymoon. Tattoo goes to Mr. Roarke and discovers that Roarke knows that Helena is dying. Mr. Roarke assures Tattoo that Helena has one of those television diseases where death comes with little to no suffering. Unfortunately, Jamie does not yet know that his mother is ill.

The Hawaiian-style wedding goes off without a hitch. Mr. Roarke and Helena honeymoon on the other side of the island and, for the first time since this series began, Ricardo Montalban actually gets to wear something other than a white tuxedo. While Jaimie helps Tattoo train Chester the Chimpanzee to stop stealing things, Helena enjoys her last few days with Mr. Roarke. Unfortunately, the honeymoon is cut short as Helena grows ill. From his grandfather, Jamie learns that his mother is dying. “If life were fair,” Mr. Roarke says with tears in his eyes, “there would be no need for Fantasy Island.”

Awwwww! Seriously, what a terrifically sweet and sad episode this turned out to be. Ricardo Montalban and Samantha Eggar had fabulous chemistry together and Montalban, in particular, really seemed to be energized by the chance to do something other than act mysterious and enigmatic. In this episode, Mr. Roarke finally gets to show his emotions and when he cries, you’ll want to cry too. Helena dies peacefully on the island, in the arms of Mr. Roarke. Her final fantasy has been granted.

As for Jamie, he decides that he can’t stay on the Island. He has to go back to school so that, someday, he can become a doctor just like his mother.

Oh my God, I’m like seriously tearing up just writing this recap.

This episode was Fantasy Island at its sentimental and emotional best. This was a great episode, featuring outstanding performances from Ricardo Montalban and Samantha Eggar. Would you believe that an episode of Fantasy Island could make a reviewer cry? Well, this episode did.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 7/16/23 — 7/22/23

Posted on July 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

City Guys (YouTube)

I wrote about City Guys here.

Claim To Fame (Monday Night, ABC)

Claim to Fame is a show where 12 relatives of celebrities compete to be the last relative standing. If someone guesses who you are related to, then you’re out of the show. If someone incorrectly guesses who you are related to, they are out of the show. It’s all really, really silly but it’s also a lot more fun than it probably has any right to be. It helps that the show is hosted by the totally charming duo of Kevin and Frankie Jonas.

I watched the first three episodes of the second season on Sunday morning. The highlight, of course, was the epic meltdown of Tom Hanks’s niece, who really only had herself to blame for being eliminated because she literally had a panic attack whenever anyone mentioned that someone on the show might be related to Tom Hanks. As I finished the third episode, I decided that Olivia and Chris were my two favorite players and that Hugo was least favorite, largely due to the fact that Hugo just seemed awfully impressed with himself.

I watched the latest episode on Monday night. Eddie Murphy’s daughter was finally sent out of the house. I say finally because everyone pretty much figured out who she was during the second episode. That said, she seemed to be a nice person.

Degrassi High (YouTube)

Old school Degrassi! As much as I hate to admit, I haven’t seen much of either Degrassi Junior High or Degrassi High but I intend to remedy that soon. On the two episodes I watched, the school bully discovered that he was HIV+ and Joey’s attempt to raise money for a new car failed. It was interesting seeing Joey when he was younger and still had hair.

Fantasy Island (YouTube)

I wrote about Fantasy Island here!

Happy Hour (YouTube)

I watched the 2nd episode of this old 90s game show on Saturday morning. Dweezil and Ahmet Zappa hosted. Ahemt had a bit too much energy for his own good but at least Mario Lopez was one of the contestants. There was an extremely creepy moment when a woman was brought out of the audience and talked about how obsessed she was with Mario. Also interesting was to note that this episode was nearly 30 years old but Mario Lopez looked exactly the same as he does today. The man seriously does not age.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

The Master (Tubi)

I wrote about The Master here!

Night Music (YouTube)

I watched an episode of this 90s late night music show on Friday night. Bootsy Collins performed and it was very entertaining.

The Simpsons (Weekdays, FXX)

I watched two episodes of this long-running show on Thursday afternoon. In the first episode, Bart was expelled from Springfield Elementary but, fortunately, he was allowed to re-enroll after he exposed the truth about whacking day and saved the lives of a bunch of snakes. This was followed by an episode in which Marge forgot to pay for a bottle of whiskey and was sent to jail for 30 days. Needless to say, the entire town fell apart without her and was forced to settle for a Jimmy Carter statue when they couldn’t afford one of Lincoln. This led to riots, as one would naturally expect.

Stars on Mars (Monday Night, Fox)

I binged and got up-to-date with this stupid, stupid show throughout the week. As dumb as it is, it’s compulsively watchable. On the one hand, it was great to see William Shatner hamming it up as the host. On the other hand, is it really time for Lance Armstrong redemption tour?

Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about “The Sit-In” here!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.6 “The Red Baron/Young At Heart”

Posted on July 18, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Tattoo gets bullied and Mr. Roarke gets psychedelic!

Episode 3.6 “The Red Baron/Young At Heart”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on October 27th, 1979)

This week, Tattoo greets Mr. Roarke while disguised as Frankenstein’s Monster.

Tattoo explains to Mr. Roarke that he’s trying to look scary because there’s a bully that’s picking on him “because of my size.” OH MY GOD, POOR TATTOO! Seriously, my heart broke for him when he explained the reason behind his disguise. As usual, Mr. Roarke was far less sympathetic and ordered Tattoo to put on his usual white tux so that they could greet their guests.

This week’s fantasies ….. well, let’s just get straight to the point. Neither one is particularly memorable. In the first one, Cornelius Wiselfarber (Don Adams) is an expert on World War I whose fantasy is to experience the real thing. From the start, this storyline has two huge flaws. Number one, it makes the mistake of assuming that a character is automatically funny just because he has a silly name. Secondly, what expert on World War I would seriously want to experience it firsthand? There’s a reason why World War I was called the Great War. It was one of the most destructive and wasteful conflicts ever fought, one that will be forever identified with the horrors of trench warfare and mustard gas. Thousands died, many more were wounded both physically and psychologically. Even those who survived with their bodies and their minds intact still ran the risk of catching the Spanish Flu. This is one of those fantasies that just doesn’t make any sense.

That said, Cornelius gets his chance to experience what it was like to be a World War I flying ace. He even meets the Red Baron (Ron Ely)! The majority of the fantasy is played for laughs, with Mr. Roarke continually mispronouncing Cornelius’s last name and Cornelius himself getting recruited, by the Resistance, to pretend to be a German officer behind enemy lines. It falls flat, mostly because Don Adams himself doesn’t seem to know whether he wants to play his character straight or as a variation of his bumbling secret agent, Maxwell Smart. By the end of the fantasy, Cornelius says that he now understands how terrible World War I truly was but, seeing as how he didn’t see much combat and spent most of his fantasy trading one liners with Monique of the Resistance (Martine Beswick), you have to wonder how that could be.

As for the second fantasy, Helen Phillips (Diana Canova) is a 40-something nurse who wants to be young again. Mr. Roarke gives her a magic potion to drink. Drinking the potion leads to Helen having a psychedelic vision of Mr. Roarke explaining that that the potion wears off after 12 hours so she’ll have to keep drinking it if she’s going to remain young.

No longer having to wear glasses and without a touch of gray in her hair, Helen meets and falls for a handsome young named David Hanks (David Ladd) but she worries about what will happen when she runs out of the potion and he discovers that she’s old enough to be his mother. Fear not! It turns out that David has been drinking the potion as well! He’s actually in his 50s and his fantasy was to be reunited with the nurse who looked after him when he injured himself as a young man! To be honest, the twist felt a little bit too convenient and the old-age makeup worn by both Canova and Ladd was not particularly convincing. There was also an oddly played scene in which Helen’s ex-fiancé (played by Dave Madden) came to the Island searching for her but then promptly left when he discovered that Helen and David were in love. On the plus side, I did like the psychedelic Mr. Roarke scene.

As for Tattoo, he resorts to disguising himself as a vampire in his attempt to scare off his bully.

Later, when it is time to bid farewell to this week’s guests, Tattoo shows up wearing dark glasses because his bully gave him a black eye. Mr. Roarke finally shows some concern about the fact that someone is harassing his assistant manager. However, when Tattoo reveals that his bully is a chimpanzee wearing boxing gloves, Mr. Roarke laughs and laughs.

Seriously, Mr. Roarke really hates his second-in-command.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 7/9/23 — 7/15/23

Posted on July 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I devoted most of this week to movies so I didn’t really watch a lot of television. But here’s some thoughts on what I did watch!

All You Need Is Love (Nightflight Plus)

On Saturday morning, I watched the 2nd episode of this 70s docuseries about the history of rock and roll music. For the most part, the episode took place in Africa and featured interviews with African musicians who discussed how their traditional music was later transformed into both the blues and rock and roll. It was an interesting documentary. Needless to say, there was a lot of good music.

The Ashley Madison Affair (Hulu)

I watched this enjoyably tawdry docuseries on Monday morning. It was a bit too heavy on the talking heads. I mean, I’m not sure that I really needed to hear every single thought Sunny Hostin ever had on the Ashley Madison hack. But the visuals were often so over-the-top and literal-minded that it was impossible not to smile at how overwrought it all was.

City Guys (YouTube)

I wrote about City Guys here!

Diff’rent Strokes (YouTube)

Early Sunday morning, I watched a special episode of this 80s sitcom on YouTube. Arnold and his adopted sister Kimberly were kidnapped by a weirdo who tied-up Arnold and threatened to kill Kimberly. That was pretty creepy but what really made it bad was that this was a sitcom so there was a laugh track that just felt totally wrong for the episode. It reminded me a bit of David Lynch’s Rabbits.

Fantasy Island (YouTube)

Fantasy Island has been removed from Tubi! Fortunately, quite a few episodes are available on YouTube but it still bothers me that I’m probably not going to be able to review every single episode for Retro Television Reviews now. Read my thoughts here!

Geraldo (YouTube)

I came across an episode of this 90s talk show on Saturday. In 1993, Geraldo Rivera interviewed “Girls In Hate Groups.” The girls were dating skinheads and Klansmen. The audience was full of people wearing Klan robes and National Socialist uniforms. It was thoroughly icky. Geraldo, I got the feeling, was more concerned with bringing in ratings than actually battling the forces of hate.

Gimme A Break (YouTube)

After he read this week’s review of Hang Time, my friend Mark suggested that I watch an episode of this 80s sitcom. The episode was called “Joey’s Hero” and it featured a 10 year-old Joey Lawrence discovering that his hero — a television host named Captain Jerk (played by Paul Williams) — was not only a real-life jerk but an outright racist as well! It was very 80s but I did smile at the fact that all of the co-stars of the Captain Jerk Show still wore their television costumes even when they went to visit Captain Jerk in the hospital.

Jenny Jones (YouTube)

On this 90s talk show, Jenny Jones gave polygraph tests to self-declared playas.

Lifestories: Families in Crisis

I watched an episode of the 90s HBO anthology show on Thursday. A young Ben Affleck played a high school football player who get hooked on steroids and went crazy.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

Read my thoughts on The Love Boat here!

The Master (Tubi)

I wrote about The Master here!

Night Flight (NightFlight Plus)

I watched an episode of this 90s musical anthology show on Friday. Host Tom Juarez took a look at “eclectic female singers.” I was happy because they showed a video from Souixsie and the Banshees.

Pretty Baby: Brooke Shields (Hulu)

I watched this two-part docuseries on Sunday. The first part, which focused on the young Brooke Shields as a symbol and explored how the culture sexually objectifies women while also expecting us to remain chaste and innocent, was far more interesting than the second part, which got bogged down in people insisting that Shields was a better actress than she actually seems to be.

Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back, Kotter here!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.5 “The Chain Gang/The Boss”

Posted on July 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

What I’ve long-feared has happened.

Tubi has removed the original Fantasy Island from its site. The recently-canceled Fox version can be viewed but not the original. Don’t get me wrong. I liked the new Fox version. But these are Retro Television Reviews and a show that premiered in 2021 is not yet retro.

Fortunately, quite a few episodes are on YouTube and it’s probable that the original complete series will again end up streaming somewhere. So, I’m going to try to continue to review this show. I can’t guarantee that I won’t run out of episodes at some point. For instance, it doesn’t appear that much of seasons 6 or 7 can be found, even on YouTube. (Unfortunately, it appears that only the first three seasons of Fantasy Island have been released on DVD.) But I’m going to do my best!

Episode 3.5 “The Chain Gang/The Boss”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on October 19th, 1979)

Tattoo has decided that he wants to be an artist! Mr. Roarke demands to know why because God forbid Tattoo have a life outside of spotting the plane. Tattoo admits that he wants to get the island women to pose for him. Mr. Roarke orders Tattoo to abandon his art career and head down to the docks to meet the plane.

The plane is carrying two guests who hope, much like Tattoo, to change their lives.

Cindy Carter (Donna Mills) is a switchboard operator who has a crush on her boss, Brent Bailey (Brett Halsey). Her fantasy is to be the boss of her own company. Mr. Roarke grants her wish and soon, Cindy is in charge of her own multi-national corporation. In fact, her corporation owns Brent Bailey’s business! Cindy also gets a executive assistant named Gary Pointer (Roddy McDowall). Unfortunately, it turns out that Brent isn’t a very nice person and he’s been siphoning money out of the pension fund. He threatens to frame Cindy to keep her from approving an audit of the fund. However, with Gary’s support and eventual love, Cindy stands up to Brent and reveals his wrong-doing. Mr. Atwell (Stacy Keach, Sr.), the presumed-dead head of the company, suddenly shows up at the stockholder’s meeting and announces that he faked his own death to discover who was embezzling from the pension fund. The stockholders applaud as Brent Bailey is taken away from the police. It’s all rather silly and melodramatic but the likable presence of Roddy McDowall kept the story entertaining.

Meanwhile, Mike Jenner (Dennis Cole) came to the Island to confront Eddie Collins (Cameron Mitchell), the criminal that Mike believes murdered his father and framed him for a theft. (There’s a lot of theft in this episode.) Mr. Roarke reveals that Eddie lives in a nearby fishing village. Mike goes to the village, spots Eddie, and punches him. Eddie hits back….

….and both of them are sentenced to spend a year on a chain gang!

Fantasy Island has a chain gang!? And the chain gang is overseen by a redneck named Captain Hawks (R.G. Armstong)!? Why has this never been mentioned before? I mean, is it normal to sentence paying guests to spend a year on the chain gang?

Anyway, Eddie and Mike set aside their difference and break out out the prison camp. (Fantasy Island has prison camps!?) During their escape, Eddie gets trapped in quicksand. Mike does eventually rescue him but only after Eddie confesses to having framed Mike’s father. As soon as Eddie confesses, Mr. Roarke shows up in his jeep. Apparently, Mike is now free to leave the Island with his fiancee (Pat Klous) while Eddie is sent to the Fantasy Island prison for the rest of his life. Much as the other fantasy was saved by the reliable likability of Roddy McDowall, this episode was saved by Cameron Mitchell’s grouchy presence. One could always trust Mitchell to give it his all while playing a bad guy.

With the fantasies taken care of, Tattoo returns to his art. When he asks his model to pose naked, she destroys all of his paintings while Mr. Roarke laughs and laughs. Mr. Roarke really does hate his assistant.