Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.15 “Dark Secret/The Outrageous Mr. Smith”

Posted on October 21, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. The show is once again on Tubi!

“Smiles, everyone, smiles!”

Episode 7.15 “Dark Secret/The Outrageous Mr. Smith”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on March 3rd, 1984)

Eh. I didn’t like this episode. Sorry, Mr. Roarke, no smiles today.

Robert Smith (Engelbert Humperdinck) wants to be a singing star but he suffers from stage fright. He’s created a smarmy alter ego who doesn’t have stage fright but he wants to be able to perform on his own, without having to retreat into a fantasy world. His alter ego responds by coming to life and sleeping with Robert’s wife (Elaine Joyce). Personally, if I was the writer of this episode, I would have just ended the story right there but it turns out that Robert’s alter ego only exists in his mind. His wife walks in on Robert yelling at himself and is overjoyed to discover that Robert has finally found the confidence to perform on stage.

Just typing all of that made my head hurt.

Meanwhile, Amy Marshall (Markie Post) is married to Christopher (Larry Wilcox) but their marriage is troubles because Amy has never told Christopher that she was raped just a few days before the wedding. She never reported the rape to the police and she’s never dealt with the trauma that she still carries with her. This is a very sensitive subject so, of course, Fantasy Island screws it up by suggesting that Amy is somehow to blame for all of the trouble in the marriage because she didn’t tell Christopher about what happened. Amy worries that Christopher will leave her if he finds out. Christopher does find out and he gets mad at her for not telling him and threatens to leave, not only proving Amy’s point but also suggesting, to me, that their marriage isn’t really worth saving. Amy deserves someone better than a guy whose response to hearing that his wife got raped is to get mad at her. Then Amy’s rapist (Michael Callan) shows up on the island and attacks her again. Amy fights back and is on the verge of stabbing the bastard to death when Mr. Roarke shows up and removes the knife from her hand and instead has the Fantasy Island police take the guy away. Christopher and Amy leave the Island, their marriage stronger than ever.

Meanwhile, I had to stop myself from throwing something at the television. First off, the story suggests that somehow Amy is to blame for not telling Christopher about what happened but Christopher’s reaction showed exactly why she didn’t tell him and it also showed that Amy’s best option would have been to get a divorce. Then the show suggests that the best way to give Amy her fantasy of finding freedom from her trauma was to have the rapist nearly rape her again! Mr. Roarke, at one point, states that Amy’s safety is his number one concern and that he has his entire police force looking for the rapist. But Roarke has already been established as having God-like powers so if Roarke wanted to find the guy before he attacked Amy, he certainly could have.

As well, what is the deal with all of these criminals and assorted lowlifes making it to the Island in the first place? Mr. Roarke often brags about running a background check on everyone who comes to the Island, which again suggests that no one comes to Fantasy Island unless Roarke wants them there. So, why are there so many terrible people on the Island?

This episode …. ugh.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.13 “Ladies Choice/Skin Deep”

Posted on October 7, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Episode 7.13 “Ladies Choice/Skin Deep”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on January 28th, 1984)

The highlight of this week’s episode is Mr. Roarke beating someone up.

The person on the other end of the beating is John McDowell (Lloyd Bochner), who owns a winery on the Island and who, for reasons that aren’t particularly clear, hates Mr. Roarke. When McDowell discovers that Fancy Summerfield (Kim Lankford), who grew up at the winery when it was owned by her father, is in love with Mr. Roarke, McDowell decides to manipulate her to hurt Roarke. Fancy, who is upset that Mr. Roarke doesn’t return her romantic feelings, allows herself to fall for McDowell but then realizes that McDowell is a jerk.

A party at McDowell’s mansion leads to a fist fight between Roarke and McDowell. McDowell starts it but Roarke ends it. He beats up McDowell with such ease that McDowell surrenders. Fancy realizes that McDowell is not the man for her and she also realizes that Roarke does care about her, even if he’s not in love with her. (This episode implies that Roarke does not allow himself to fall in love with mortal women. It’s understandable when you consider what happened when he got married.)

And let’s give credit where credit is due. Ricardo Montalban looked good beating up Lloyd Bochner. Admittedly, it was obvious that the majority of the fight was filmed using stunt doubles but, in those rare occasions where we saw Roarke’s face as he threw a punch, Montalban looked like he knew what he doing.

(Lawrence, needless to say, did not come to Mr. Roarke’s aid during the fight. In fact, Lawrence was barely in this episode.)

As for the other fantasy, it was pretty stupid. Joe (Michael Lembeck) comes to the Island with his loudmouth buddy, Vinnie (Fred Travalena). They are attending a sports expo. Vinnie is all about hitting on the models but Joe falls for Paula Santino (Donna Pescow), who is pretty but definitely not glamorous. The main problem with this fantasy was that both Joe and Paula were neurotic quip machines so listening to them have a conversation made me want to rupture my ear drums. Vinnie, for his part, said some pretty bad things about Paula. Roarke was too busy beating up John McDowell to do anything about it.

This episode was …. actually, not quite as bad as some of the other season seven episodes that I’ve recently watched. The second fantasy got old pretty quickly but the first fantasy featured Roarke beating someone up and there’s something to be said for that. The main problem with this episode is that none of the Island guests were particularly likable but I still appreciated that Roarke was willing to go to all of that trouble for them.

Then again, without Tattoo around, Roarke really doesn’t have any choice but to take on all the trouble himself. What else is he going to do? Depend on Lawrence?

Horror on the Lens: The Ghost In The Invisible Bikini (dir by Don Weis)

Posted on October 3, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In 1965’s The Ghost In The Invisible Bikini, the recently deceased Hiram Stokely (Boris Karloff) is informed that he has just 24 hours to perform a good deed and get into Heaven. He also has 24 hours to keep Basil Rathbone from stealing his estate. Hiram teams up with the ghost of his his dead girlfriend (Susan Hart) and together, they help Hiram’s real heir throw a pool party!

I know, I know. That makes no sense. Go with it, it’s the 60s and it’s a party. The film is silly even by the standards of the typical beach party film but it features Boris Karloff and Basil Rathbone somehow managing to maintain their dignity and Nancy Sinatra singing a song. (Dean Martin’s daughter, Claudia, also makes an appearance.) Even more importantly, this is a film that epitomizes an era. Released in 1965, this was the last AIP beach party movie and it’s a product of the innocent, fun-loving early 60s that would soon be replaced by the violent turmoil of the late 60s. Hiram was probably happy that he got out when he could.

Here is The Ghost In The Invisible Bikini:

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.6 “The Groupies/The Audition/Doc’s Nephew”

Posted on July 9, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Doc starts to feel his age.

Episode 6.6 “The Groupies/The Audition/Doc’s Nephew”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on November 6th, 1982)

When it comes to The Love Boat, there’s one question that always has to be asked.

In this episode, Julie appears to be moderately coked up. She’s definitely not as coked up as she was in some of the earlier episodes of this season but there’s still that glint in her eye and the rapidness of his speech that leaves little doubt that there was probably some sniffing going on in the cruise director’s office. On the How Coked Up With Julie Scale, I would give this one a solid 7 out of 10.

Of course, Julie had some competition on this cruise. A pre-born again Willie Aames was on the cruise, playing Doc’s nephew Danny, and sporting the puffy eyes of someone who had been up all night on a date with the Devil’s Dandruff. Danny and Doc both develop a crush on the same woman and Linda (Michelle Phillips) decides that she would prefer to spend her romantic time with a teenage Danny than with Doc, who has a medical degree and probably a lot more money than Danny. This leads to Doc have yet another midlife crisis. Danny, meanwhile, falls hard for Linda but, at the end of the cruise, Linda explains that she’s not looking to get tied down with a relationship. She just wanted to bang someone who was ten years younger than her. Okay, that’s not quite what she said but that was the general idea. Doc learned that it was okay to be middle-aged and Danny was too high to learn much of anything.

Soap opera writer Paula Hastings (Susan Lucci!) boarded the cruise and was shocked to discover that one of the passengers was Barry Weldon (Tristan Rogers!), an actor who she turned down for a role on her soap. Barry romanced Paula and convinced her that he was falling in love with her and then announced it was all just an act to prove that he deserved the role on her show. Damn, Barry, that’s not nice at all! But then it turned out that Barry actually had fallen in love with her so they decided to get married. “Congratulations!” Julie said, her eyes shining with a manic edge.

Finally, a therapist (Richard Deacon) boarded the ship, just to discover that his patients (Jerry Van Dyke, Elaine Joyce, Morey Amsterdam, and Rose Marie) had all decided to take the cruise with him. Why, that’s enough stress to make the idea of a little flakey relief seem appealing! That said, the therapist and his patients were played by some old school sitcom mainstays and none of them seemed to be coked up. They were definitely a whiskey and cigarettes crowd.

This was a pleasant cruise. Bernie Kopell is always likable as Doc Bricker and I always enjoy his midlife crisis episodes. The therapist storyline was pretty hokey but, on the other hand, Susan Lucci and Tristan Rogers! That’s daytime drama royalty, babe! I enjoyed this episode.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.20 “What’s The Matter With Kids/Island of Horror”

Posted on June 24, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, it’s zombie time!

Episode 6.20 “What’s The Matter With Kids/Island of Horror”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on April 16th, 1983)

Dr. Stuart Wharton (Steve Allen) is a tightass stick-in-the-mud who has come to Fantasy Island to give a lecture on how to raise the perfect child. His wife, Margaret (Jayne Meadows Allen), is sick of Dr. Wharton telling people how to live their lives and basically threatens to leave his condescending ass if he doesn’t allow her to adopt Andy (Justin Henry), who is not perfect but who is still better than any of the imaginary perfect children that Dr. Wharton has written and lectured about. This fantasy was predictable and kind of boring. Jayne Meadows Allen actually wrote the script so it’s interesting that the whole fantasy is basically her telling off her husband and accusing him of being a pompous jackass.

There is one interesting scene where Mr. Roarke talks about Stuart’s idea of the perfect child and the kid suddenly appears out of thin air. Mr. Roarke also makes the kid disappear. Mr. Roarke is all-powerful!

(So, you may be wondering, why Roarke doesn’t just use his God-like powers in every episode? I think he wants his guests to sometimes lean a lesson on their own. I always hate it when people try to make me learn something. Sorry, Roarke.)

Meanwhile Erica Nelson (Gayle Hunnicutt) goes to a neighboring island in search of her missing fiancé, Dr. Richard Yates (Christopher Connelly). Uh-oh! The Island’s controlled by a mad scientist named Dr. Christophe (Jared Martin)! And Dr. Christophe is into voodoo!

That’s right, there are zombies all over the place! And one of the zombies is Erica’s husband! Fortunately, it turns out that zombification is not a permanent condition and Erica is eventually able to cure her husband while the remaining zombies descend upon Dr. Christophe.

I liked this fantasy. The island was atmospheric and, by Fantasy Island standards, the zombies were actually pretty effective. The scene of them rising from their graves was surprisingly well-done and I also appreciated that Jared Martin totally embraced the melodrama in the role of Dr. Christophe. This fantasy also featured a great moment where Roarke appeared on the Island to inform Erica that the zombies were coming and then he promptly vanished. I love it when Roarke does that

(Of course, I don’t think that Erica was ever in any real danger. I mean, this episode established that Roarke can conjure people out of thin air. I’m sure he could have just snapped his fingers and made all the zombies vanish. But, in typical Roarke fashion, he wanted Erica to learn a lesson.)

The orphan fantasy was annoying but I like zombies! This was a good trip to the Island.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.23 “Nightengale”

Posted on June 16, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, someone is performing emergency surgery on the street!

Episode 3.23 “Nightengale”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on March 23rd, 1980)

Something strange is happening in Los Angeles. Every time there’s a serious accident, a middle-aged woman (Louise Latham) appears and provides medical help to the injured. At the start of the episode, she even performs an emergency tracheotomy on the side of the freeway. Whenever the highway patrol officer on the scene asks her for her name, she avoids the question. And, whenever an ambulance shows up, she always manages to slip away. As Jon and Ponch discover, the woman is named Lucy Kenton and, even though she’s a medical expert, she’s not a doctor. With the help of the always-understanding Sgt. Getraer, Jon and Ponch help her to get her medical license so that she can legally perform surgery on the street. Good for them!

This was a bit of an odd episode. It seemed strange that the woman somehow always seemed to be around whenever there was an accident. A car would crash and suddenly, Lucy would come running up, almost as if she had been patiently waiting. The show acted as if it was just a coincidence but what are the chances that the same woman would be present at the sites of multiple accidents over the course of just a few days? And what are the chances that Ponch would just happen to be the responding officer at two of those accidents?

To be honest, that’s one of the things that always struck me as being strange about CHiPs. Somehow, the same people keep running into Ponch and Jon over and over again. I mean, Los Angeles is a big city and it’s home to a lot of people. But if you run into Ponch and Jon once, it seems you’re destined to keep seeing them for at least a week. Once they get that first speeding ticket or stern warning, people literally can’t step outside of their house without Ponch and Jon just happening to be somewhere nearby. That’s the sort of thing that would make me paranoid.

The B-plot of this episode featured a teenage couple whose van kept breaking down whenever they tried to run away from home. There wasn’t much to this story but it did feature “special guest star” Dana Plato as the younger sister of the female half of the couple. Plato delivered all her lines as if she was auditioning for a school play. Oddly enough, Dana Plato appeared at the start of this season as herself. She was one of the many celebrities to show up for the roller disco episode.

There really wasn’t much to this episode. It wasn’t terrible but it did feel somewhat insubstantial. We’re coming up on the end of the season and, from the last few episodes, I get the feeling the show’s writers just wanted to wrap things up and start their vacations. I don’t blame them!

Next week, the third season concludes!

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.21 “The Strippers”

Posted on May 19, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the hills have eyes.

Episode 3.21 “The Strippers”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on February 16th, 1980)

Calm down, boys, we’re not talking those types of strippers!

This episode of CHiPs finds Ponch and Jon searching through the California hill country for two rednecks who are stealing cars and stripping them for the parts. One of the strippers is a fat guy who likes to sing while he’s working. The other is a guy played by Evan C. Kim, who later played Clint Eastwood’s partner in The Dead Pool. Baker’s girlfriend’s car gets stolen so this one is …. wait for it …. PERSONAL! Of course, this being CHiPs, the episode is still mostly about Ponch even though Baker’s the one with a personal stake in the case.

It turns out that Ponch and Jon aren’t the only ones investigating crimes in the hills of California. The DEA is investigating a drug-running operation and they really don’t want to two motorcycle cops getting in the way. (Doesn’t the DEA understand that motorcycles are cool? At least they’re not bike cops like those schmucks on Pacific Blue.) The head drug smuggler is played by Morgan Woodward, who was a veteran of the western genre. The old cowboys are smuggling cocaine into Los Angeles. It’s like an extremely depressing country song. There’s no more cattle but there’s plenty of the devil’s dandruff to be sold.

If I seem to be rambling, it’s because there’s not really much to say about this episode. Airing, as it did, late in the season, it’s hard not to feel that show’s writers were probably tired and out-of-ideas when it came to coming up with the plot for this one. Ponch and Jon catch the car strippers who have information on the drug dealers. The car strippers turn informant and hope that they’ll get a deal as a result. Let’s hope so because prison is not a friendly environment to snitches.

This episode did feature one nicely-filmed accident scene, featuring multiple cars flying through the air (in glorious slo mo of doom!) and a bunch of broken glass. Bonnie and Bear cleaned up the accident site so that Ponch and Baker could get back to searching for the car thieves. That was nice of them. It’s all about team work!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.16 “Eternal Flame/My Date With Burt”

Posted on May 13, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, our trip is all about getting older.

Episode 6.16 “Eternal Flame/My Date With Burt”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on March 5th, 1983)

When I first saw that one of the fantasies this week was called “My Date With Burt,” my immediate assumption was that someone would come to Fantasy Island and demand to go on a date with Burt Reynolds. I was actually looking forward to seeing if Burt would play himself or if they would just have some stand-in who was always shot from behind. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

The Burt in this case is Burt Hunter (Ron Ely), an actor who is the latest to be cast as a James Bond-type of secret agent. Margaret Winslow (Sandra Dee) has a crush on him and wants to meet him. For his part, Burt is depressed because he’s getting older and the producers of his films want to replace him with a younger actor. At first, Burt just goes out with Margaret in order to generate some publicity for himself. He hires a stuntman to fake a fight so that Burt can emerge as a big ol’ hero. Burt is trying to save his career but Margaret is not amused by any of that. Margaret realizes that films are not real life. Margaret’s pretty old to only now be figuring that out. Anyway, Margaret and Burt still fall in love and leave the Island together.

This fantasy was predictable but it did give us one of those fun Tattoo subplots where Tattoo claimed to be Burt Hamilton’s best friend and tried to get involved in managing his career. Tattoo always had a side hustle going and good for him! One gets the feeling that Roarke didn’t pay him that much. Seriously, Tattoo was always trying to find a way to make more money. Pay the man what he’s worth, Mr. Roarke!

Our other fantasy features Linwood Bolton and Randi Oakes as Alex and Diana Weston, two newlyweds who want to find the Fountain of Youth so that they can be young and in love forever. Yay! Roarke has them take a dip in a pool and, when they emerge, they’re on an isolated island that is ruled over by Ra-Mas (Alex Cord) and Maatira (the great Stella Stevens). Maatira will let them drink from the fountain but there’s a catch …. one of the cups is full of poison! Alex can be eternally young and he can be spend the rest of eternity as Maatira’s lover but Diana has to die. And Diana does die. Luckily, the water from the fountain can also bring people back to life.

This was a weird fantasy and you really do have to wonder what would have happened if Alex hadn’t come to his senses and if Diana hadn’t been revived. Would Roarke have just shrugged and told Tattoo to burn Diana’s passport? It just doesn’t seem like that would be good for business. That said, Stella Stevens was an actress who was always willing to embrace the melodrama and she does so here, keeping things somewhat entertaining.

This was a pleasant if not particularly memorable trip to the Island.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.16 “Return To The Cotton Club/No Friends Like Old Friends”

Posted on May 6, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we’re traveling in time!

Episode 6.16 “Return to the Cotton Club/No Friends Like Old Friends”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on February 26th, 1983)

Aspiring singer Charlie Whelan (Lou Rawls) wants to go back to a time where all that mattered was talent. As he tells Roarke and Tattoo, it’s all about image and connections now. Charlie wants to go back to the Cotton Club, the famous New York club where blacks were allowed to perform on stage while gangsters sat in the audience. Roarke sends Charlie back in time and soon, Charlie is at the Cotton Club. He meets Dutch Schultz (J.D. Cannon). He befriends the club’s manager, Gus Kelly (Yaphet Kotto). He falls for another singer, Linda (Berlinda Tolbert).

The first thing I noticed about this fantasy is that The Cotton Club looked really cheap. It looked like an old VIP lounge in an airport. It was kind of tacky. The other thing I noticed is that the fantasy wasn’t historically accurate. The Cotton Club was not owned by Dutch Schultz. In fact, Schultz had little to do with The Cotton Club. The gangster who owned the Cotton Club was Owney Madden, an Irish gangster who eventually left New York City for Hot Springs, Arkansas. In the show’s defense, the man who Charlie knew as Dutch Schultz was eventually revealed to be another guest who was having a fantasy of his own. I’ve always had mixed feelings about Roarke’s habit of combining fantasies. I feel like a guest should only have to pay half-price if their fantasy is going to mixed up with somebody else’s.

As for this fantasy, it was okay. Lou Rawls certainly gave a better performance here than he ever did on Baywatch Nights. And Yaphet Kotto was a charming as ever, even if his role was, again, not historically accurate. (The Cotton Club may have hired black performers but otherwise, it was heavily segregated.) I like almost anything involving 1930s gangsters. I can’t help it. They had style.

As for the other fantasy, Doreen Murphy (Markie Post) wants to have a reunion with her friends from college. Doreen asks Roarke to make her rich and beautiful so that she can shame all of the people who never believed in her. Roarke gives her a magic necklace that changes her from being a brunette to being a blonde. That’s all it takes! One of Doreen’s friends is Liz (Cybill Shepherd). Liz is married to the unfaithful Al (Lyle Waggoner), who takes an interest in Doreen. Doreen learns a lesson about true beauty being more than just an appearance. She also learns that people don’t dislike her as much as they dislike her bitter attitude. Doreen gives the necklace to Liz so that Liz can get her cheating husband back. Good, I guess.

This was an uneven trip to the Island. Neither story was particularly compelling. The Cotton Club fantasy at least had Yaphet Kotto. Otherwise, this was a forgettable trip. The writers really didn’t even seem to be trying to come up with anything unexpected or surprising. At least the Island continues to look lovely.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.9 “Naughty Marietta/The Winning Ticket”

Posted on March 18, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Tattoo’s rich!

Episode 6.9 “Naughty Marietta/The Winning Ticket”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired January 8th, 1983)

Let’s get the boring storyline out of the way first.

Overbearing Beatrice Solomon (Jayne Meadows) wants her daughter, Alison (Dorothy Hamill) to become an actress. Beatrice’s husband (David Doyle) wishes that Beatrice would just back off. Mr. Roarke sends Alison into the past, where Alison finds herself transformed into Marietta, the subject of the operetta Naughty Marietta. Lorenzo Lamas plays Captain Richard Warrington, who is trying to track down a notorious pirate on behalf of the Governor of Louisiana (James Doohan). There’s a lot of singing and the costumes are nice but it’s also kind of boring because ice skater Dorothy Hamill was a terrible actress and she has next to no chemistry with Lorenzo Lamas. The fantasy ends with everyone brought back to the present, including Lamas who, it turns out, was actually just a guest having a fantasy of his own. It’s nothing we haven’t seen before and I don’t want to talk to much about it because the other story is …. A TATTOO STORY!

After years of being the sidekick and Mr. Roarke’s enigmatic frenemy, Tattoo finally gets a story of his own. When Margaret Stanton (Hope Lange) comes to the Island to award a check to an employee who won the Irish Sweepstakes, Roarke is saddened to inform her that the man, a groundskeeper named Ambrose, passed away shortly after winning. Roarke assigns Tattoo to find out who Ambrose’s closest friend was on the Island. Tattoo takes his job seriously. Afterall, Tattoo was one of the few people who regularly checked on the curmudgeonly old man, always stopping by to talk and to make sure that he was feeling okay. As a matter of fact, you could even say that Tattoo was a true friend to the old man. In the end, he was truly the old man’s best friend….

OH MY GOD, TATTOO’S RICH!

After reading the deceased man’s diary, Roarke and Tattoo realize that Ambrose would have wanted Tattoo to have the money. Tattoo now has a million dollars and Roarke decides that this means that Tattoo is now a guest at Fantasy Island. Tattoo moves into the most spectacular guest bungalow. Tattoo orders a fancy meal and leaves a huge tip. Tattoo is having a wonderful time until Mr. Roarke informs him that guests are not allowed to live on the Island….

WAIT, WHAT!?

Okay, first off, it wasn’t Tattoo’s idea to be a guest. It was Roarke’s idea. Roarke also mentions that Tattoo is the one who came up with the idea of not allowing guests to live on the Island but, over the past few seasons, we’ve seen many guests decide to never leave the Island and Roarke has never had a problem with it! Seriously, I thought Tattoo and Mr. Roarke were finally getting along. Suddenly, it seems like Mr. Roarke has decided to kick him out. “I will miss you,” Mr. Roarke says. Well, then don’t make him leave! Can’t Mr. Roarke do whatever he feels like doing?

Tattoo, for his part, says that he will miss being on the Island. He’ll miss Mr. Roarke. He’ll miss the rest of the staff. He’ll miss everything. Tattoo decides that rather than leave the Island, he’ll donate the money to build a retirement home in England. And that’s nice and all but I still don’t understand why Tattoo would have had to leave in the first place. Maybe Mr. Roarke just wanted to teach Tattoo about generosity but Tattoo is already extremely generous.

As the show ends, Mr. Roarke mentions that Tattoo still needs to pay for his stay in the bungalow and for all the food he ordered. DON’T START, MR. ROARKE!

This was a weird episode but it was still nice to see Tattoo get his moment in the spotlight. I still think he should have allowed to keep the money and stay on the Island. I mean, seriously, this Island is full of eccentric rich people living in haunted mansions. Why should Tattoo miss out on all the fun?