Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 1.3 “No Man’s Land”

Posted on January 21, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

It’s time for another trip to the beach!

Episode 1.3 “No Man’s Land”

(Dir by Michael Levine and John Bush, originally aired on March 16th, 1996)

Uh-oh! There’s Nazis on the beach.

We know that Carl (Ryan Alosio) is a Nazi because he owns a bar that is decorated, on the outside, with a swastika. Then, on the inside, there are many more swastikas and a German flag and a picture of Adolf Hitler hanging on the wall. My question is who sold the bar to Carl and how exactly is he not violating any zoning laws? Throughout the show, we’re constantly told that Carl can do whatever he wants on his property but don’t most towns have rules about what you can and cannot display in a business district? We’re told that Carl has a criminal record and his arms are covered in Nazi tattoos so, once again, I have to wonder who sold him the bar. There are a lot regulations and paperwork involved in opening up your own small business. That’s especially true if your business is going to be selling alcohol. I guess my point is that I just have a hard time believing that Carl’s Nazi bar would be allowed to stay open on the boardwalk.

Bizarrely, ordinary non-Nazis keep entering Carl’s Nazi bar. Wouldn’t the swastika turn most people away? I’m just saying that personally, I would not go in a building that was decorated with a swastika. Anytime anyone who is not a Nazi goes in Carl’s bar, Carl beats them up. You really have to wonder how Carl is managing to stay in business. I mean, let’s just accept that there’s enough Nazis in Santa Monica for Carl to have a steady customer base. Carl is still asking those people to step into a building that is decorated with a swastika and basically announce their opinions to the world. I would think at least some of the Santa Monica Nazis would be like, “No, I’d rather keep it a secret and go drink at a politically neutral bar.” I mean, this isn’t some isolated club, like the place in Green Room. This bar is sitting right in the middle of the boardwalk, where hundreds of people walk by each day. Apparently, Santa Monica Nazis have no fear of being outed.

Like all Nazis, Carl is a jerk. He beats up a vendor for selling churros in front of his bar. He also harasses all of the non-white surfers. You would think that this episode’s hero would be Officer Del Toro but instead, it falls to the very white T.C. Callaway to stand up to Carl and eventually drag him off to jail. Callaway explains that he hates bullies. That’s fine but it’s still more emotionally satisfying to watch a bully get beaten up by the bullied as opposed to by a concerned bystander.

We also get B-plot about a young graffiti artist named Melo (Christopher Babers) and Cory’s attempt to get Melo to see the error of his ways and instead use his artistic talent for something good. And Mayor Mickey Dolenz spends the episode panicking because there’s an election to coming up to determine whether or not to allow on the nudity on the beach. It’s pretty dumb but it’s hard not to smile at Mickey Dolenz playing himself.

The main problem with this episode and the show as a while is that the cops look silly riding around on their bikes. When Cory and Victor head down a flight of stairs to catch Melo tagging a tunnel, they have to pick up and carry their bikes with them and it was hard not to laugh. Whenever someone says, “This is Bike 1 responding,” to a crime call, I just imagine a dispatcher grimacing and thinking, I was hoping for a real cop. Watching CHiPs and then this episode made me appreciate how much better motorcycles are than bicycles.

The TSL’s Grindhouse: Steele Justice (dir by Robert Boris)

Posted on August 18, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“You don’t recruit him! You unleash him!”

That’s what they say about John Steele, the man who Martin Kove plays in 1987’s Steele Justice. John Steele served in Vietnam and he was one of the best and most fearless members of the special forces. On the final day of the war, he was on the verge of arresting the corrupt General Kwan (Soon-Tek Oh) until Kwan suddenly announced that the war was over and the Americans were leaving. Steele laughed, shrugged, and turned his back on Kwan and started to walk away. Was Steele planning on just walking back to America? Well, regardless, Kwan shot Steele and his friend in the back. Fortunately, Steele survived. Steele may be stupid but he’s strong.

Years later, both Steele and Kwan are now living in California. Kwan is a prominent businessman who is also the secret leader of the Vietnamese mafia. Naturally, his main henchman is played by Al Leong. If Al Leong’s not working for you, are you even evil? John Steele has not been quite as successful. He was a cop until he got kicked off the force. Then he got a job transporting horses across California. Despite his cool guy name, John Steele doesn’t seem to be that good at anything that doesn’t involve killing people.

But then Kwan murders Steele’s best friend and former partner, Lee (Robert Kim). In fact, Kawn not only murders Lee but he also kills Lee’s entire family. The only survivor is Lee’s daughter, Cami (Jan Gan Boyd), a piano prodigy who is supposed to be 14 years old even though she’s being played by someone who is in her 20s. Steele and Lee’s former boss, Bennett (Ronny Cox), gives Steele permission to track down the people responsible for Lee’s death.

John Steele sets out to destroy Kwan. The film gives us a lot of reasons to be on Steele’s side but it’s hard not to notice that a lot of innocent people end up getting killed as a result of Steele’s vendetta. Any time that Steele goes anywhere, Kwan’s people attack and a bunch of innocent bystanders get caught in the crossfire. For example, Steele’s ex, Tracy (Sela Ward), agrees to look after Cami. It turns out that Tracy is a music video director and, of course, she takes Cami to work with her. The video shoot turns into a bloodbath, with even the members of the band getting gunned down. And yet, not even Tracy seems to be particularly disturbed by that. One might think that Tracy would at least sarcastically say something like, “Hey, John, thanks for getting the band killed before I got paid,” but no. Tracy just kind of laughs it all off. At no point does Steele or Bennett or really anyone seem to feel bad about all of the people who get killed as a result of the decision to unleash John Steele. Those people had hopes and dreams too, you know.

I really like Martin Kove on Cobra Kai. I love how his portrayal of the over-the-hill and burned-out John Kreese manages to be both intimidating and pathetic at the same time. I’ve also seen a number of interviews with Kove, in which he’s discussed his career as an exploitation mainstay and he always comes across as being well-spoken and intelligent. That said, Martin Kove appears to be totally lost in Steele Justice, unsure if he should be playing John Steele as a grim-faced avenger or as a quick-with-a-quip action hero. Whenever Steele is angry, Kove looks like he’s on the verge of tears. Whenever Steele makes a joke, Kove smiles like an overage frat boy who, while cleaning out his old storage unit, has just discovered his long lost copy of Bumfights. It’s a confused performance but, to be honest, no one really comes out of Steele Justice looking good. This is a film that features a lot of talented actors looking completely and totally clueless as to why they’re there.

On the plus side, Steele Justice did give this world this totally intimidating shot of Martin Kove, preparing to be get and give justice. Recruit him? No, just unleash him!

TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.5 “The Orchid’s Curse” (dir by Graeme Clifford)

Posted on April 14, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(This Good Friday review of the fifth episode of the 2nd season of Twin Peaks is dedicated to my mom, Gloria Elena Marchi, who would have been 59 years old today. So, it better be a good episode, right?)

This episode of Twin Peaks was directed by Graeme Clifford, an Australian filmmaker who has several films and tv shows to his credit. As an editor, Clifford worked on some of the best films of the 70s, several of which share the surrealistic vision of David Lynch. Among the films that Clifford worked on: Robert Altman’s Images, Nicolas Roeg’s Don’t Look Now and The Man Who Fell To Earth, and the ultimate cult classic, The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

The Orchid’s Curse (and, as I pointed out yesterday, I love the pulpiness of that title) is the only episode of Twin Peaks that he directed. It’s also the first of four episodes to be credited to writer Barry Pullman.

Let’s take a look at The Orchid’s Curse!

Following the haunting opening credits, we get Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan). Dale is waking up in bed and, as always, talking into his tape recorder. He had a dream that he was eating a tasteless gum drop, just to wake up and discover that he was chewing on one of his ear plugs. As I listened to Dale speak, I breathed a sigh of relief. After the previous episode had him acting all out-of-character, it was nice to have the old Dale back.

Dale notices an envelope taped underneath his bed. It’s a note from Audrey, telling Dale that she’s gone up to One-Eyed Jack’s. Okay, Dale — now you know where Audrey is! GO RESCUE HER!

At the police station, Deputy Hawk (Michael Horse) comes in and wow, is he mad! Oh wait — he just has to go to the bathroom. As he explains to Harry (Michael Ontkean), two retired school teachers live in the house next to the Palmer summer home. Neither of them have ever seen BOB before but apparently, they made him drink two pots of tea before telling him that.

Lucy (Kimmy Robertson) tells Harry that she’s going to down to Tacoma to see her sister, who has just had a baby. She offers to stick around long enough to show the temp how to do everything. Harry tells her that they’ve got it covered but Lucy obviously knows better. As an administrative professional, I related so much to Lucy in this scene.

At the Johnson house, a salesman named Mr. Pinkle (David Lander) is showing Bobby (Dana Ashbrook) and Shelly (Madchen Amick) a product that he calls “porto-patient.” Basically, it’s a harness and crane that allows you to drag around a comatose person Shelly and Bobby are obviously planning on having some fun with Leo. Sure, how could that backfire? Bobby does worry that porto-patient appears to be a death trap and that they don’t want to kill Leo because then they won’t get his disability checks. Pinkle explains that it’s either porto-patient or a wheelbarrow.

Meanwhile, Judge Sternwood (Royal Dano) is holding court at the Roadhouse, for some reason. In my last review, I forgot to mention that Judge Sternwood travels with a much younger “law clerk.” I’m going to guess that the character of Judge Sternwood was based on Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas.

William O. Douglas

Anyway, it’s time for Leland Plamer’s arraignment. Prosecutor Lodwick (Ritch Brinkley) argues that Leland (Ray Wise) should not be given bail because of the seriousness of the crime and “the oft-witnessed instability of Mr. Palmer after the death of his daughter.” Harry speaks on Leland’s behalf. Harry says that Leland is a well-respected member of the community.

(Meanwhile, Deputy Andy (Harry Goaz) gets even more adorable by doing courtroom sketches, all of which are pictures of the back of Leland’s head.)

Judge Sternwood released Leland on his own recognizance, a ruling that will prove to be so ill-thought that it actually could have been issued by William O. Douglas. (But I kid the late Judge Douglas!)

At the Harold Smith House, Donna (Lara Flynn Boyle) shows up with another Meals on Wheels tray. Harold (Lenny von Dohlen) is waiting for her, a glass of wine in his hand.

“What’s behind those deep blue eyes today?” Harold asks. Oh, Harold!

Donna says that she’ll share her life with Harold, as a part of his “living novel,” but only if he lets her read Laura’s secret diary. Harold offers to read the diary to her but he emphasizes that the diary must not leave his living room.

Donna starts telling Harold about her life but quickly turns things on him, asking where he’s from and where he grew up. Harold’s from Boston and he says he grew up in books. As I watched this scene, I found myself marveling at Lenny von Dohlen’s wonderful performance. Harold is definitely creepy but von Dohlen still brought a definite sweetness to the character. I actually found myself starting to get a little bit mad at the way that Donna was manipulating him.

Seriously, Donna, don’t hurt Harold!

Donna, apparently, was not listening to me because she snatched Laura’s diary and, teasingly, used it to lead Harold outside. Harold immediately had a panic attack, which should teach Donna an important lesson about trying to act like Audrey.

Back at the Road House, Judge Sternwood rules on Leo’s competency. Leo’s lawyer is played by songwriter Van Dyke Parks and, as I watched this scene, I found myself wondering why every lawyer and judge in Twin Peaks — with the exception Leland Palmer — insisted on dressing like an extra in a 1950s western. I mean, it kind of works and I guess you could make the argument that Judge Sternwood holding court in the Roadhouse is meant to pay homage to Judge Roy Bean.

In other words, Roy Bean + William O. Douglas = Judge Sternwood.

Judge Sternwood summons Cooper and Harry to the bar so that he can deliberate on Leo’s competency while his “law clerk” serves up drinks. Sternwood drinks something called a Black Yukon Sucker Punch. Yuck.

Anyway, because he’s not a very good judge, Sternwood rules that Leo is not competent to stand trail and sends him home with Shelly.

At the Hurley house, Big Ed (Everett McGill) and James (James Marshall) attempt to adjust to a new life in which one-eyed, middle-aged Nadine (Wendy Robie) thinks that she’s a teenager. Nadine goes to get a drink and rips off the refrigerator door. Apparently, that’s something that’s going to be happening from now on.

At the Great Northern, Ben (Richard Beymer) enters his all-wood office and is informed that a Mr. Tojamura is here to see him. Mr. Tojamura is the Japanese man that Ben saw last night, the one who smart viewers will have already figured out is actually Catherine (Piper Laurie) in a not very convincing disguise. Anyway, Tojamura says that he represents an investment firm that wants to invest in the Ghostwood Project and Ben gets all excited and…

WHY ISN’T BEN WORRIED ABOUT AUDREY!?

See, this is one thing that bothers me about season 2 of Twin Peaks. During season 1, Ben was greedy and amoral. He wasn’t a great father but, at the same time, he did love his daughter. That was what made Ben an interesting character. But, in season 2, Ben is just a caricature of an evil businessmen. Reportedly, after not interfering during season 1, ABC interfered a lot in season 2 and it’s obvious when you see how a character like Ben has been robbed of all his nuance.

Ben gets rid of Mr. Tojamura and then suddenly, Hank (Chris Mulkey) pops out of a secret passage and informs Ben that Cooper is on his way. On schedule, Cooper enters the office and Jean Renault (Michael Parks) calls from Canada. Jean wants Cooper to drop off a briefcase full of money at a merry-go-round, at midnight. “Leave it by the horse’s head.”

After Cooper gets the briefcase and leaves, Hank once again pops out of the secret passage. Ben tells Hank to follow Cooper, to make sure the money is delivered, and to bring back Audrey. Hank is confused. Shouldn’t Cooper bring back Audrey? No, Ben explains, Cooper isn’t coming back. Also, because Ben is cartoonishly evil now, he tells Hank to try to bring back both Audrey and the money.

That night, at the Hayward House, Donna and Maddy (Sheryl Lee) are conspiring on a way to ruin Harold’s life. Donna will distract Harold and Maddy will sneak into Harold’s house and steal the diary. Maddy, who tends to jump at her own shadow, seems like the worst possible person to use in a situation like this but then again, maybe that’s exactly why Donna’s using her.

See, this what I think is going on in Donna’s head: Maddy gets caught, Harold kills her, and then Donna gets James to herself. Donna has crossed into the dark side!

At One-Eyed Jacks, Jean and Blackie (Victoria Catlin) are rehearsing how Jean will get the briefcase and then kill Cooper with a blade that he has hidden underneath his sleeve. Can Jean and Blackie just die now? They’re kind of boring as villains. And every minute they’re alive, that’s another minute wasted on this stupid Audrey-bring-held-hostage subplot.

At the police station, Andy is struggling to figure out how to answer the phone and transfer calls. That’s right! Nobody appreciates a good administrative professional until she’s gone! Anyway, Andy calls the lab and discovers that he’s no longer sterile. As Doc Hayward puts it, “They’re not just three men on a fishing trip. They’re a whole damn town.” So, Andy could be the father of Lucy’s baby! Woo hoo! Excited, Andy calls Lucy in Tacoma and is shocked to learn that Lucy is not visiting her sister. Instead, she’s at Adams Abortion Clinic. “OH MY GOD!” Andy say.

In Harry’s office, Harry and Cooper are planning a raid on One-Eyed Jack’s. Hopefully, it won’t take them as long to attack as it took Rick to stand up to Negan on The Walking Dead. (Rick Grimes and Sheriff Truman have a lot in common but that’ll have to wait for a future post.)

Deputy Hawk comes in and says that he found out that the One-Armed Man has been staying at a motel but nobody’s seen him in a while. Hawk found a hypodermic needle and a weird drug in the motel room. “Weird, deep smell,” Hawk says. Harry sends Hawk home, apparently forgetting that Hawk is a member of the Book House Boys and, therefore, there’s no reason to leave him out of the planning of the raid.

At the Double R Diner, Maddy rushes in and asks for a cup of coffee to go. She doesn’t even notice that James is sitting at the counter. James looked a little offended and I was worried he was going to get all weepy but instead, he just said, “Hi.” Maddy says that she can’t talk now and, under Donna’s bad influence, she lies and says that she’s going back home.

At the Harold Smith House, Donna is talking to Harold. Donna tells Harold about the time that she and Laura went down to the Roadhouse to meet boys. The story starts with Laura talking Donna into wearing a short skirt and ends, as these often do, with skinny dipping. Harold, who would have loved Twitter, says that the story was beautiful. Meanwhile, Maddy lurks around outside.

At One-Eyed Jack’s, Cooper and Harry are also sneaking around outside. They’re both dressed in black, like Daniel Craig in the poster for SPECTRE, so we know that it’s commando time! As an owl — “The Owls are not what they seem,” — watches, Harry takes out one of the guards. They sneak through the backdoor and find themselves in the brothel section of One-Eyed Jacks, which is full of young women in lingerie and middle-aged men who all give off a “Ted-Kennedy-About-To-Drive-Mary-Jo-Kopechne-Home” sort of vibe.

Outside the Harold Smith House, Maddy drinks the coffee that she got at the Double R. Meanwhile, inside the house, Harold is telling Donna about orchids. Harold and Donna finally kiss and, overwhelmed, Harold has to leave the room. This is Maddy’s cue to break into the house and help Donna ruin the man’s life.

As Maddy lurks towards the house, Cooper is busy lurking around One-Eyed Jacks. “Hi,” Cooper says, grabbing Jean’s main lackey, “would you take me to Audrey Horne please?” Cooper is led to a bedroom, where an unconcious Audrey (Sherilyn Fenn) is tied up. After punching out Jean’s main henchwoman, Cooper untied Audrey.

Meanwhile, Harry is watching Jean and Blackie talking in another room when, suddenly, Jean stabs Blackie to death. Well, that one down. Jean spots Harry and runs off. At the same time, Cooper runs up, carrying Audrey over her shoulder. Cooper and Harry start to run for the exit when they run into a bald man holding a gun.

“Goddammit,” I yelled, “I thought this stupid kidnapping plot was finally over!”

Suddenly, the bald man falls dead. There’s a knife on his back. It turns out that Deputy Hawk not only followed Harry and Cooper to One-Eyed Jack’s but he’s totally cool with killing people. Hawk’s a badass, y’all.

Outside One-Eyed Jack’s, Hank watches as Cooper, Harry, Audrey, and Hawk run off. He calls Ben but is then grabbed from behind by Jean.

At the Harold Smith House, Maddy is looking for the diary but, because Maddy is generally incompetent and no longer wearing her big red glasses, she is struggling to find it. Donna, who is in the greenhouse and waiting for Harold to return, tries to direct her. You can tell Donna’s thinking, “Why couldn’t it have been me and Laura looking for Maddy’s secret diary instead? That would have been so much easier!”

Suddenly, Harold’s back! He’s brought Donna big flower! Harold’s so sweet.

Despite Donna’s efforts to distract him, Harold sees Maddy stealing Laura’s diary. Cornering Maddy and Laura and holding a scary-looking gardening tool, Harold shouts, “Are you looking for secrets!? Do you know what the ultimate secret is!?”

At this point, I was hoping Harold would quote Jean Renior’s The Rules of the Game and say that the ultimate secret is that everyone has their own good reasons. Instead, Harold says that it’s “the secret of knowing who killed you,” and proceeds to use the tool to cut open his face!

NO, HAROLD!

Maddy screams, as well she should. Way to destroy someone’s life, Maddy. I realize that it was Donna’s plan but Maddy’s the one who took too long to find the diary.

Plus, I just don’t like Maddy.

Cooper to the rescue! Yesssssssss!

Anyway, that’s it for The Orchid’s Secret. This was a definite improvement over the previous episode, even with the kidnapping subplot. The performances of Lara Flynn Boyle and Lenny von Dohlen elevated this entire episode while Pullman and Clifford did a pretty decent job recreating the unique style of Lynch and Frost.

All in all, a worthy episode.

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