The Eric Roberts Collection: Top Gunner: America vs Russia (dir by Christopher Ray)


The latest addition to the quasi-franchise that started with 2020’s Top Gunner, 2023’s Top Gunner: America vs Russia takes place in the near future.

Russia’s war with Ukraine has led to a stalemate.  When the United States starts to take a more active role in defending Ukraine and arming the dissidents in Russia, it leads to a coup in Russia.  President Vasiliev (Alex Veadow) wants to bring about a new era of peace but, when he’s assassinated, the new president of Russia, the evil Borovsk (Pavel Kuzin), accuses the United States of being behind the murder and declares war on the U.S.A.  Soon, Russian jets are invading the airspace of Washington D.C. and blowing up the Washington Monument.  (The White House gets hit by a bomb as well but, fortunately, it’s not a very impressive bomb.)  Borovsk is such a fanatic that he is even prepared to launch his country’s nuclear arsenal against America.  Such an action would, of course, lead to the end of the world.

Fortunately, America is not just going to roll over and accept defeat.  (Or, at least, it’s not going to accept defeat in the movies.  In the real world, it seems to be a different story.)  America has fighter pilots, like Footloose (Andrew Rogers) and Firefly (Kayla Fields), who are dedicated to defending the nation.  America has a super-secret new jet than can even fly into deep space so it can fire missiles at a Russian satellite.  America has got CIA operatives like Veronica Vachs (Simone Posey) operating in Moscow.  America has got a Vice President (Gary Poux) who believes in the country’s destiny.  And, perhaps most importantly of all, America has got Eric Roberts.

Eric Roberts also appeared in the first Top Gunner, though he was playing a different character in that film.  In Top Gunner, Eric Roberts was a flight instructor.  In Top Gunner: America vs Russia, Eric Roberts is …. PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

As President Jeremiah Stewart, Eric Roberts gives orders and refuses to be pushed around and always puts America first.  When he hears that Washington D.C. might soon be attacked, he doesn’t show a hint of fear.  He doesn’t run off to a bunker.  He doesn’t whine about not being popular.  He doesn’t desert America’s allies.  Seriously, he’s one of the best president that I’ve ever seen and I would certainly vote for Jeremiah Stewart in 2024 before I even considered casting a ballot for any of the other jokers that are running.  Just by casting Eric Roberts as the President, Top Gunner: America vs Russia wins the war.  When Roberts says that he doesn’t care what the official protocol is, you believe him.  I bet when he’s not fighting the Russians, President Stewart is working to repeal the 16th Amendment.  (That’s the one about income tax.)  Seriously, I want to see this guy on Mt. Rushmore.

Anyway, this is a typical Asylum film.  The special effects are cheap but it seems like everyone had fun working on the film and it’s hard not get swept up in the silliness of it all.  I mean, at one point, a fighter plane literally flies into space without a bit of concern for stuff like oxygen or heat shields or anything else.  It’s so shamelessly absurd that it feels rather churlish to nitpick.  Most importantly, it’s a movie about how America kicks ass and, in these troubled times, who can’t appreciate that?  I mean, how could we not kick ass with Eric Roberts leading us?

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

  1. Star 80 (1983)
  2. Blood Red (1989)
  3. The Ambulance (1990)
  4. The Lost Capone (1990)
  5. Love, Cheat, & Steal (1993)
  6. Love Is A Gun (1994)
  7. Sensation (1994)
  8. Dark Angel (1996)
  9. Doctor Who (1996)
  10. Most Wanted (1997)
  11. Mr. Brightside (2004)
  12. Six: The Mark Unleased (2004)
  13. Hey You (2006)
  14. In The Blink of an Eye (2009)
  15. Enemies Among Us (2010)
  16. The Expendables (2010) 
  17. Sharktopus (2010)
  18. The Dead Want Women (2012)
  19. Deadline (2012)
  20. The Mark (2012)
  21. Miss Atomic Bomb (2012)
  22. Lovelace (2013)
  23. The Mark: Redemption (2013)
  24. Self-Storage (2013)
  25. This Is Our Time (2013)
  26. Inherent Vice (2014)
  27. Road to the Open (2014)
  28. Rumors of War (2014)
  29. Amityville Death House (2015)
  30. A Fatal Obsession (2015)
  31. Stalked By My Doctor (2015)
  32. Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)
  33. Prayer Never Fails (2016)
  34. Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (2016)
  35. The Wrong Roommate (2016)
  36. Dark Image (2017)
  37. Black Wake (2018)
  38. Stalked By My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge (2018)
  39. Clinton Island (2019)
  40. Monster Island (2019)
  41. Seven Deadly Sins (2019)
  42. Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare (2019)
  43. The Wrong Mommy (2019)
  44. Exodus of a Prodigal Son (2020)
  45. Free Lunch Express (2020)
  46. Her Deadly Groom (2020)
  47. Top Gunner (2020)
  48. Deadly Nightshade (2021)
  49. Just What The Doctor Ordered (2021)
  50. Killer Advice (2021)
  51. The Poltergeist Diaries (2021)
  52. A Town Called Parable (2021)
  53. Bleach (2022)
  54. My Dinner With Eric (2022)

Film Review: Assault on VA-33 (dir by Christopher Ray)


Adrian (Weston Cage Coppola) is an international criminal and terrorist, a man who isn’t going to let a little thing like being wanted by the FBI prevent him from getting what he wants.  Adrian wants his brother to be freed from prison.  He wants money.  He wants a plane that he and his criminal associates can use to get out of the country.  His plan is to take over a veteran’s hospital and hold the patients and the doctors hostage until he gets what he wants.  Among the hostages is General Welch (Gerald Webb) of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Also inside of VA-33 is Jason Hill (Sean Patrick Flannery).  Jason is a decorated veteran who is struggling with PTSD and a bad leg.  Jason’s wife, Jennifer (Gina Holden), is a doctor at the hospital and also one of the hostages.  With his 14 year-old daughter waiting for him outside and the initially skeptical police chief Malone (Michael Jai White) providing as much support as he can, Jason must take out of the terrorists and liberate VA-33.

Assault on VA-33 is an entertaining action film.  The film was directed by Christopher Ray, the son of Fred Olen Ray.  From his father, Christopher Ray obviously picked up the ability to make an enjoyable film on a low budget.  However, Ray also served, for seven years, in the U.S. Navy and there’s a deep respect for veterans that runs throughout Assault on VA-33, a respect that sets this film apart from many of the other Die Hard-inspired action films that have come out over the years.  For me, the film’s key scene is not any of the many action sequences but instead it’s when Jason first attempts to call the police and finds himself being dismissed because the man on the other end, upon hearing that Jason is at the VA, just assumes that Jason is suffering from paranoid hallucinations.  “Thank you for your service,” the voice at the other end of the line says somewhat condescendingly as Jason struggles to get the police to understand that this is all really happening.  The consequences of war is a theme that runs through the entire film as both Jason and the General struggle to deal with the physical and mental scars with which they’ve been afflicted.

Sean Patrick Flannery is a good action hero, playing Jason not as being superhuman but instead as just being a tough but weary man who, due to his past injuries, doesn’t move quite as fast as he used to but who is still trying to do the right thing and protect innocent people, including his wife and his daughter.  Adrian’s henchmen are all properly memorable and menacing.  I especially liked Tim McKiernan as the terrorist who is left in charge of the front desk.  Rob Van Dam has some good moments as the terrorist who has been assigned to wait outside in the van and who keeps reminding everyone that his name is Zero.

Assault on VA-33 is a fun and quickly paced action movie.  Flannery is an effective hero and the villains are all properly evil.  I would also suggest sticking around through the end credits, just so you can enjoy the film’s musical score, which is definitely a bit better than the music that we typically associate with indie action films.  It’s an enjoyable movie and a good way to spend 88 minutes of your life.

Circus Kane: Preview, Review and posters


Just be warned this movie review might not be safe for work! Read at your own discretion!

Let the games begin!

Circus Kane

Let’s get the technicals out of the way:

Studio: Uncork’d Entertainment
Director: Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray
Cast : Jonathan Lipnicki, Mark Christopher Lawrence, Nicole Fox, Jonathan Nation, Mike Jerome Putnam, Scott Thomas Reynolds, Bill Voorhees

Preview:

The notorious and disgraced circus master, Balthazar Kane, invites an unsuspecting group of social media stars to the revival of his CIRCUS KANE by promising $250,000 to any of them who can make it through the night. Kane’s true plan quickly proves to be far more sinister as the contestants realize more than money is on the line. The group must fight for their lives to escape Kane’s demented house of horrors.

Jonathan Lipnicki (Jerry Maguire) and Mark Christopher Lawrence (Cooties) head up the cast of Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray’s fantastic frighthouse Circus Kane, on VOD this September.

James Cullen Bressack and Zack Ward scripted, based on a story by Sean Sellars. Gerald Webb, Christopher Ray and James Cullen Bressack produce.

Review:

For 250K? What would you do? Step right up…or not? Save your friend…or not?

Admittedly  I  have coulrophobia: I am fracking scared of clowns! It took me several days to watch this movie; and I am not sure I am still okay! I tried to watch ‘Circus Kane’ over a several day time slot. Several days in fact. After a brief viewing I posted a short review; but this will be my final one.

Here are you some stills if you want to look at them:

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download

 

Would I recommend this movie?

On my horror scale of 1-5

4.5 (and watch with your eyes closed!)

Here is is the trailer:

If you are a horror freak:

Circus Kane will be available on September 8th, 2017 on VOD

And to the Actors, Director and Executive Producers that follow me, I just want to say a big “Fuck you” for scaring me to death! Not sure I will ever sleep again! But love you all!

Now, Who wants to cuddle? 

clouwn

 

Oh, and Deinstiutionalized, I see you!

deistitutal

 

 

Let’s Talk About 3-Headed Shark Attack!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WK4TKbwJjRI

One thing that I love about Asylum films is that, as opposed to big studio productions, they always deliver exactly what they promise.  As a part of the lead up to the third Sharknado film, 3-Headed Shark Attack premiered on the SyFY network on Monday night.  The title promised a three-headed shark and that is exactly what the film delivered.  The title also promised that the three-headed shark would attack and, again, that’s exactly what happened.  This giant 3-headed shark devoured a record number of fisherman, scientists, and college students.

3-Headed Shark Attack is also the story of three boats and the people on those boats.

One boat is a booze cruise that’s full of rich kids and their bikini-clad girlfriends.  You really only have to take one look at these people to know that almost all of them are doomed.  However, they certainly are not helping matters by tossing all of their empty beer cans into the ocean.  Little do they know that there’s a giant shark with three heads following the trail of cans.

On another, much smaller boat, there are the survivors of the 3-headed shark’s previous attack on the Persephone research lab.  They are scientists, environmentalists, and a few student interns.  They may have been dedicated to protecting the environment but the three-headed shark could hardly care less.  While thsee people seem to be a little bit more competent than the drunks on the booze cruise, it’s still hard not to feel that they are all equally doomed.

And finally, there’s one final boat.  The people on this fishing boat have guns, which in theory should be helpful against a three-headed shark.  Even more importantly, Danny Trejo is on this boat!  If anyone can defeat a three-headed shark, it’s Danny Trejo, right!?  SyFy advertised 3-Headed Shark Attack as “starring Danny Trejo” but, to be honest, Danny’s role is pretty much a cameo.  But that’s okay.  Danny Trejo is always fun, regardless of how much screen time he has.  Plus, the film smartly uses Danny’s badass persona to keep the audience off-balance.

3-Headed Shark Attack was director Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray (who also directed the much different but equally entertaining Mega Shark vs. Kolossus) and it’s also a sequel to 2-Headed Shark Attack.  3 Headed Shark Attack is a surprisingly somber film, one in which likable characters are just as likely to killed as unlikable ones and where the ocean frequently turns red with innocent blood.  For those who, as a result of the Sharknado films, have gotten it into their heads that all Asylum films are actually comedies, 3-Headed Shark Attack will prove otherwise.

3-Headed Shark Attack is an entertaining work of underwater mayhem.  If, like all good people, you love the Asylum style of filmmaking, you’ll find a lot to enjoy about 3-Headed Shark Attack.  This is a film that delivers exactly what it promises.

Here’s hoping that 4-Headed Shark Attack is close behind!

3-headed-shark-underwater-shot

Let’s Talk About Mega Shark vs. Kolossus!


It was while watching Mega Shark vs. Kolossus that I discovered that, apparently, I have the power to kill fictional characters with my tweets.  As soon Dr. Sergie Abramov (Patrick Bauchau) first appeared on screen, I tweeted out my prediction that he was “doomed,” largely because he was “eccentric and old.”  15 minutes later, a group of gun-toting mercenaries showed up and gunned Dr. Abramov down.

AGCK!, I thought, I didn’t really mean to kill him…

Now, normally, I would have to admit that discovering that I possessed that much power would lead to a lot of thought and reflection on my part.  But you know what?  I was enjoying myself way too much to really feel that bad about getting Dr. Abramov killed.  That’s the type of film that Mega Shark vs. Kolossus is.  It’s a lot of fun and, if the cost of that fun is that Dr. Abramov had to die … well, so be it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5f78-ga4bgs

Produced by the Asylum and directed by Christoper Douglas-Olen Ray (who also directed A House Is Not A Home and Shark Week), Mega Shark vs. Kolossus premiered on SyFy right after Roboshark.  I have to admit that, when the film began, I wasn’t sure that anything could successfully follow the brilliance that was Roboshark.

But, Mega Shark vs. Kolossus proved my doubts wrong.

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus is not only a good SyFy film and a worthy entry in the Mega Shark franchise but it’s also a lot of fun.  If I could only pick a handful of movies to justify my love of SyFy and Asylum films, Mega Shark vs. Kolossus would definitely be right there with End of the World and Jersey Shore Shark Attack.  Mega Shark vs. Kolossus has everything — from the knowing humor to the over-the-top action to the flamboyant monsters — that you could possibly want from a SyFy film.

MEGASHARK-VS-KOLOSSUS-1-600x338

At heart, Mega Shark vs. Kolossus is a delirious homage to the old school Godzilla films where Godzilla would have to reluctantly save humanity from yet another giant monster.  (Kolossus is even reminiscent of the robotic Godzilla from Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla.)

As the film starts, the world has been thrown into chaos as the result of all of the previous Mega Shark attacks.  Admiral Jackson (Ernest Thomas) is determined to track down and destroy Mega Shark but Dr. Alison Gray (Illeana Douglas) argues that if we would just leave Mega Shark alone then Mega Shark would leave us alone.  Billionaire Joshua Dane (Brody Hutzler) claims to agree with her but is it possible that he has ulterior motives of his own?  Well, consider this: has there even been a truly benevolent billionaire in an Asylum film?

Meanwhile, in the Ukraine, Kolossus — a giant robot that was created during the Cold War — has accidentally be activated.  Can secret agent Moria King (Amy Rider, who totally kicked ass and who deserves to appear in every subsequent Mega Shark film) and CIA analyst Spencer (Edward DeRuiter, who also wrote the film’s script) figure out how to control Kolossus?

And, finally, will Kolossus and Mega Shark meet and fight?  Well, the answer to that one is right in the title of the film.

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus is delirious fun, a surprisingly well-acted and entertaining homage to the great monster movies of the past.  Obviously, Mega Shark is the top-billed star here but, for me, the film is really stolen by Kolossus.  This behemoth of robotic mayhem dominates almost every scene in which he appears and hopefully, he’ll return for a future movie.  Could Sharktopus vs. Kolossus or Roboshark Meets Kolossus be in the future?  I certainly hope so!

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus is terrific and entertaining.  If you missed it the first time, keep an eye out for a future showing.  You will not be disappointed!

We love you, Kolossus!

We love you, Kolossus!

Film Review: A House Is Not A Home (dir by Christopher Ray)


Gerald-Webb-Creepy-Stairs-A-House-is-Not-A-Home-Still

I was recently lucky enough to get a chance to see a perfectly creepy haunted house movie called A House Is Not A Home.  A House Is Not A Home is one of those films that I have wanted to see ever since I first heard about it last year.  I have to admit that, usually, whenever I find myself looking forward to a movie, I sometimes dread actually watching it.  There’s nothing worse than being disappointed by a film that fails to live up to your initial expectations.  That’s why I’m happy to report that A House Is Not A Home not only lived up to those expectations but exceeded them.

A House Is Not A Home begins with a close-up of a bloodied hand.  An obviously unstable man (played, with a truly unsettling intensity, by Richard Greico) calls 911 and tells the operator that “they’re all dead” and it’s all his fault.  He then hangs up and, after shouting, “Take me!”, disappears into a bright white light.  It’s an effective scene, largely because it’s played totally straight.  You look at Greico and you have no doubt that something terrible truly has just happened and that not only was he responsible but he’s going to also be responsible for a lot more before the film reaches its conclusion.  It’s the perfect way to open up a haunted house scene, one that hints at the promise that the film itself will soon fulfill.

Sometime after the man had vanished, the house is up for sale.  Architect Ben (Gerald Webb) and his wife Linda (Diahnna Nicole Baker) are given a tour of the house by a real estate agent named Paul (Bill Cobbs).  When we first see Paul, he seems like a nice old man.  He’s friendly, he’s always smiling, and he comes across like he could probably sell snow in Canada.  But, it quickly becomes obvious that there’s something a little bit off about Paul.  By the time he finishes showing the house, you start to realize that his friendly smile seems to be more of a self-satisfied smirk.

Regardless, Ben and Linda buy the house and, along with their two teenagers, Ashley and Alex (Aurora Perrineau and Melvin Gregg), move in.  From the minute that they unpack, strange things start to happen.  Ashley is woken up in the middle of the night by mysterious laughter and, regardless of how many times she tries to move them, the same scary-looking dolls keep showing up on her dresser.  (Seriously, those dolls were creepy!)  Alex feels as if he’s being watched wherever he goes.  Linda, a recovering alcoholic, starts to drink again and her attempts to give piano lessons are made difficult by the fact that the piano occasionally attacks her students.  And Ben suddenly finds himself having nightmares and deliberately cutting himself so that the blood can hynotically drip down onto the kitchen table.

A-House-is-Not-a-Home-Still-Gerald-Webb-Ben-Williams

Even more frightening?  The man from the first scene in the film keeps popping up, standing in the corner and watching.

Yes, obviously the house is haunted and eventually, even Ben is forced to admit it.  The family is forced to call in a voodoo priest, who attempts to exorcise the house.  (The priest is played by Eddie Steeples, who may be best known for playing the comedic Crabman on My Name Is Earl but  who actually gives a nicely intense and creepy performance here.  Just check out his eyes!)  If you’re a fan of the horror genre, then you’ve probably seen a lot of haunted house exorcisms but, even if it might seem like a familiar development, the exorcism scenes in A House Is Not A Home are really well-done.  If nothing else, they’re distinguished by the fact that the exorcist isn’t the typical quirky medium or self-doubting Catholic priest that most movies offer up.  For once, we’re given an exorcism that’s interesting to watch…

But does the exorcism work?  Well — does an exorcism ever work in a haunted house film?  You’ll have to watch to find out.

A House Is Not A Home is an effectively creepy movie, one that uses its low-budget to its advantage. Director Christopher Ray allows the camera to creep through the house, snaking its way through empty passages while the soundtrack is full of the sounds of restless spirits.  The end result is a film that, as opposed to relying on predictable CGI for its scares, instead creates a palpable sense of doom and dread.

The film is well-acted by the entire cast, with Bill Cobbs especially giving a wonderfully sinister performance.  (I wish I could tell you about his final appearance in the movie without it acting as a spoiler but seriously, it’s a wonderfully acted scene.)  In the role of Ben is Gerald Webb, who will be a familiar face to anyone who regularly watches the SyFy Channel.  Webb (who also earned a bit of pop cultural immortality by serving as casting director for both Sharknados) has appeared in several beloved Asylum films as characters who inevitably always seem to end up getting killed.  It was nice, in A House Is Not A Home, to get to see Webb play a leading role and prove that he’s capable of a lot more than just a good death scene.  He gives an effective, sympathetic performance here.  In fact, the entire family does.  One reason that the film works as well as it does is because you believe that these four characters actually are a family.  You care about what happens to them and, as a result, the horror is all the more effective.

Finally, two final notes about A House Is Not A Home.  At its best, the film — with its emphasis on atmosphere and its scenes of the characters discovering that the house exists on its own plane of surreal logic — can compared favorably to the works of Italian horror director Lucio Fulci.  I don’t know if that was intentional or not.  But it’s definitely a good thing!

Secondly, and perhaps a little sadly, A House Is Not A Home is one of the few “serious” films that I’ve seen recently that featured an almost entirely African-American cast.  That’s really saying something when you consider that I literally watch hundreds of films a year.  At a time when mainstream filmmaking (and the horror genre in particular) still seems to be struggling to break free from racial stereotyping, A House Is Not A Home is definitely a step in the right direction.

A-House-is-Not-a-Home-Still-Bill-Cobbs-Paul

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Shark Week (dir. by Christopher Ray)


Last night, I watched a little film called Shark Week on the SyFy channel.

Frankie Cullen in Shark Week

Why Was I Watching It?

I was watching for a few reasons.  Number one, it was on the SyFy Network and that’s always a good sign.  Number two, it’s the latest film to be produced by the folks at the Asylum and that’s usually another good sign that the film, if nothing else, is going to be an interesting viewing experience.  Finally, some of the wittiest people on twitter were live tweeting this film and they were tolerant enough not to block me when I decided not to join in.

What’s It About?

It’s Saw Meets Jaws!

So, there’s this evil millionaire guy named Tiberon (played by Patrick Bergin) and he apparently owns a private island just south of the Florida keys and he’s a little bit upset because his son is dead and there’s 8 people that he holds responsible for the death.  Those 8 people all have individual names but, to be honest, they’re all pretty interchangeable and I found it easier just to refer to them all by nicknames like Blue Shirt, Tattoo Girl, Skinny Vin Diesel, Ugly Katy Perry, and my personal favorite character in the entire film, Psuedo Arquette (who was played by Frankie Cullen).

Tiberon and his assistant Elena (played by Yancy Butler) kidnap our 8 victims and dump them on an island where they’re forced to fight for their right to live while having to deal with several shark-related booby traps.  Why?  I assume because the evil guy is named Tiberon (and yes, that’s how he spells it, according to the imdb).  Just imagine if the guy was named Kittens.  It would have been a totally different movie. 

What Worked?

Speaking of the imdb, one reviewer over on that site has already declared that Shark Week is the worst film ever made.  To him, I say, “Calm down, your judgmental toadsucker.”  Shark Week is a low-budget film with a bunch of hammy acting and obviously cheap special effects.  It’s also a lot of fun.  Shark Week, like the best SyFy offerings, is a film that’s been specifically designed to inspire you to talk back to your TV.  Shark Week is not a film that you watch alone while jotting down critical observations in your Hello Kitty notebook.  Shark Week is a movie that you watch with a bunch of friends and you have a good time while doing so.  Shark Week doesn’t take itself seriously and neither should you.

Plus, I absolutely adored Frankie Cullen, who played a character named Frankie.  I, however, referred to him as Pseudo Arquette throughout the entire film because he really does look like a less goofy, more manly version of David Arquette.  I mentioned on twitter that I thought Pseudo Arquette was the cutest guy on the island.  “Sweetie, he’s a porn star,” someone tweeted back, referring to the fact that, outside of Shark Week, Cullen’s filmography is made up of movies like Celebrity Sex Tape, The Breastford Wives, The Devil Wears Nada, and Busty Coeds Vs. Lusty Cheerleaders.  Well, no matter.  I still loved my Psuedo Arquette.

Speaking of which, if I ever take up a second career as a super-powered crime fighter, I hope that the newspapers call me, “Busty CoEd.”  As in, “Thank you, Busty CoEd, you saved our town!  YAY!”

What Didn’t Work?

The title was a bit of a problem because the film appeared to take place over the course of just two or three days.  Certainly, they weren’t on that island for an entire week.  Add to that, we were using the #SharkWeek hashtag on twitter to talk about the film while we were watching it and, as a result, we had to deal with other people making  random comments like, “I can’t wait for #SharkWeek to start on the Discovery Channel!”  Seriously, it got a little annoying after a while.

“Oh my God!  Just Like Me!” Moments

Much like Tattoo Girl and Ugly Katy Perry, I’m scared of sharks, too.  That’s one of the many reasons why I always stay in the shallow end of the pool. 

Lessons Learned

Two lessons learned: First off, you can literally do anything as long as you’re in international waters.  Secondly, baby sharks are seriously cute.