Film Review: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (dir. by Nicholas Webster)

Posted on December 10, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As our longtime readers may have noticed, I’m running behind on getting my weekly exploitation and grindhouse trailer post together. I apologize for the delay and this week’s post should be up either tomorrow or on Monday. However, until I finally manage to get my act together, why not enjoy a classic holiday film that just happens to be in the public domain?

You may think that you know everything about Santa but did you know that he’s also a super hero who is capable of interstellar conquest? Did you know that he’s not only needed on Earth but on Mars as well? Did you know that apparently some people known him as “Santy Claus?” And most importantly, did you know that Santa is actually kind of a creepy old man whose trademark laugh can actually sound quite disturbing in certain circumstances?

Okay, maybe that’s not true about the actual Santa Claus. But it’s certainly true about the Santa Claus who turns up in the 1964 film Santa Claus Conquers The Martians. This film, an obvious labor of love from director Nicholas Webster, presents us with a universe where the children of Mars are so stricken with ennui that the King of Mars has no choice but to go down to Earth and kidnap Santa. Santa, however, manages to conquer those Martians while bringing holiday goodness and cheer to children all over the universe. Santa, by the way, is played by John Call and … well, it’s a performance that has to be seen.

In fact, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians itself is a film that simply must be seen. Everything from the cardboard robot to the cardboard South Pole to the cardboard cast to the painfully catchy theme song “Hooray for Santy Claus” simply demands that you watch this film at least once. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians has earned its reputation for being one of the worst films ever made but you know what? It’s also a lot of fun and it’s still better than Avatar.

Seriously, Avatar sucks.

So, please, sit back with your computer and enjoy Santa Claus Conquers The Martians. Hopefully, next year at this time, it will be rereleased in 3-D. And, if you’ve seen this film before, you know what the means. That’s right — Dropo right in your face!

Checking in! A Very Harold & Kumar 3-D Christmas

Posted on November 3, 2011 by Semtex Skittle

Normally, I don’t review movies.

Well, actually, normally I don’t post at all, since I never finish video games anymore. I’m working on that. But today was special! I got a free pass to see an advance screening of this film (and by advance, I mean people on the East Coast are about to see it, I’m sure…but moving on…). I initially wasn’t going to go, having failed utterly in my attempts to enjoy the previous Harold and Kumar offering. I’m sure the target audience for these films are people who don’t know who Cheech Marin or Tommy Chong are, but until marijuana is legalized everywhere, this kind of stoner humour is going to have its own demographic to target. I’m okay with that! The key for any film-maker, regardless of genre or intent, is please – please god – tell a good story. Make a good film! That’s all I ask. Write a script that doesn’t suck, get some actors who can play the characters you’re drawing, and find a director who has a vision of what the movie will look like, and you’re generally going to create something watchable. Some of those movies are still going to be terrible misfires, but I always enjoy the effort being put forth.

So is this latest iteration of Harold and Kumar a good movie? I’m surprised to find myself saying… yes, I thought so. Now, I will admit, this movie is almost certainly going to play better to a sold out theater (my particular screening was on the I-Max in 3-D) on a huge screen. When the entire audience is laughing and having a good time, it’s easy to get swept up in the momentum of the film. I’m usually not a huge ‘out loud’ laughter guy at the movies, but I did find myself cracking frequent smiles, and some parts incited me to laugh out loud.

The film traces yet another night-long misadventure that teams up perennial screw-up Kumar, still living in the same junked apartment and getting high every day (and once again without a job), with straight-laced family-man Harold, who has married his heart-throb Maria and landed a cushy job on Wal-Street. The pals begin the film estranged, and part of the journey that we take with Harold and Kumar is them coming to realize how important their friendship is. Some of the messages in the film are surprisingly heartwarming, despite the comic ridiculousness of every situation that the unlucky pair find themselves in. All of the familiar characters are there, albeit in cameo appearances (even Neil Patrick Harris, though his sequence was particularly fun), and we add some new faces who frame a story that is basically what you’d expect. All of the locations and situations are new, but we are definitely treading familiar ground. Still, I thought this movie felt a good deal fresher than Harold and Kumar Escape Guantanamo Bay. It has a spirit of fun and a great energy throughout the entire ride, and neither the highs nor the lulls felt overdone to me. The script is fairly tight, all things considered, and breezes in at an 89 minute running time which feels just right.

Oh, and one last thing. For once, yes, I actually thought that the 3-D added something to the film. A lot of the film’s elements are coming at you off of the screen, and the film has an incredibly refreshing sense of humour about how ridiculous it is that a Harold and Kumar movie is in 3-D at all. It was intended to be released in 3-D, as opposed to the cute studio trick of using a computer to add 3-D effects in post to jack up ticket prices, and the effort pays off. By the end I still found myself a little annoyed with the uncomfortable 3-D glasses, and I’m still hardly a champion of paying a premium for 3-D effects, but this film does make good use of them. I’m sure it would still be enjoyable even in 2-D, but in this case I’d recommend seeing the 3-D version.

Merry Christmas, folks.

10 Unacknowledged Christmas Classics

Posted on December 5, 2010 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s December and that means that it’s the Christmas season and that can only mean an abundance of Christmas movies both at movie theaters and on television. This Christmas movie has even become a genre in a way that the Thanksgiving movie or the Bank Holiday movie never has.

I love the Christmas season because 1) it’s one of the few times that there’s half a chance of seeing snow in Texas, 2) it gives me an excuse to bond with family, and 3) I get lots of presents. And I enjoy Christmas movies so much that I can pretty much quote every line from It’s A Wonderful Life from memory. I’ve even been known to enjoy the holiday movie marathons that pop up on the Lifetime Movie Network (especially if they feature Jeff Fahey and his bluer than blue eyes). However, my favorite Christmas movie remains the original Miracle on 34th Street because Natalie Wood was one of my mom’s favorite actresses and Miracle was one of her favorite films.

However, in this post, I want to highlight 10 movies that have either been overlooked in the past or else films that, while properly acknowledged as classics, are rarely mentioned as being Christmas films.

1) In Bruges (2008) — Two Irish hitman (Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson, both wonderful) hide out in Belgium during the Christmas holiday. I love this film for so many reason but I have to specifically mention the performance of Ralph Fiennes, who plays an English crime boss with a foul mouth, a murderous personality, and a firmly held set of ethics.

2) Brazil (1985) — One reason why I love Terry Gilliam’s dark satire is because I actually have quite a bit in common with it. We’re both often misunderstood, we’re both pretty to look at, and we were both released in 1985. While Brazil is now often acknowledged as one of the best and most imaginative films of the last century, it’s often forgotten that all of this film’s action takes place over the Christmas season. If you’ve never seen Brazil, see it now. But be aware that you’ll never look at Michael Palin quite the same way again.

3) Three Days of The Condor (1975) — This espionage thriller (which stars a young, pre-Leatherface Robert Redford) skillfully contrasts cold-blooded violence with the bright outer happiness of the Christmas season.

4) Eyes Wide Shut (2000) — Stanley Kubrick’s final film is a tribute to MK-Ultra conspiracy theories and features rich people trying to be kinky during the Christmas season. Nicole Kidman does redheads proud with her performance here and we get to see Tom Cruise smoke pot.

5) P2 (2007) — Rachel Nichols is trapped in a parking garage on Christmas Eve by a very scary Wes Bentley. I have to admit that I’ve always had a morbid fear of either dying, getting seriously injured, or disappearing on Christmas Eve and therefore ruining the holiday for my family. I guess that’s why P2 resonated with me.

6) Silent Night, Bloody Night (1974) — No, this is not a killer Santa film. This is the film where a bunch of former Warhol superstars (Ondine and Candy Darling being the most prominent) play a bunch of mental patients who massacre their doctors in a disturbing, sepia-toned sequence. Years later, on Christmas, another former Warhol superstar — the wonderful Mary Woronov — comes to investigate. This is actually a fairly good film from director Theodore Gershuny.

7) Christmas Evil (1980) — Now this is a killer Santa film. Harry is a loser who works in a toy factory but he’s obsessed with Christmas because, when he was a child, he saw mommy humping Santa Claus. (Isn’t that a song?) So, one Christmas, Harry dresses up like Santa and goes around killing neglectful parents and others who don’t have the Christmas spirit. This is an oddly sweet film with an ending that brought very sincere tears to my eyes.

8 ) To All A Good Night (1980) — Okay, this is another killer Santa film and it’s one of those early ’80s slashers where everyone dies because they’re total and complete idiots but two things distinguish this film from other Killer Santa slasher films: 1) it features not one but two psycho Santas and the movie was directed by David Hess, star of Last House On The Left and The House On The Edge of the Park.

9) The Silent Partner (1978) — However, the greatest of all killer Santas is to be found in this Canadian crime thriller. Christopher Plummer plays a psycho bank robber who — disguised as Santa — robs a bank. Elliot Gould plays a lonely bank clerk who uses the robbery as an excuse to steal some cash for himself which leads to Plummer eventually coming after him. Plummer makes the scariest Saint Nick ever!

10) Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005) — This is pure grindhouse brilliance, a dark comedy and a metafictional satire disguised an action movie. Robert Downey, Jr. is a small-time criminal who accidentally becomes a film star and ends up investigating a murder with a hard-boiled PI (a surprisingly self-aware performance from Val Kilmer). And it all takes place during the holidays.