There are bad movies, there are worse movies, and then there are the worst possible movies. 90210 SHARK ATTACK just may be the worst of the worst.

I’m not going to spend a lot of time on the plot, but it revolves around a group of horny college students who are spending the weekend in a beautiful mansion in Beverly Hills. They’re there for an Oceanic Anthropology class, where they’ll be working on special projects under the supervision of their scheming professor, Pamela Vantzen (Donna Wilkes). Unknown to the rest of the students, Alyssa (Stephanie Shemanski) is in possession of a cursed shark tooth necklace, and when she gets excited, bad things tend to happen.  

I knew I was in trouble when the movie opened on a Beverly Hills trolley car with Christmas decorations on it, signs like “Deck the Hills” and various artwork of Christmas presents. The movie is set during the summer. I also kept wondering how they would encounter sharks since the mansion they’re staying in is “miles away from the ocean,” but it turns out that the filmmakers didn’t care about this issue, so I soon stopped worrying about it myself. What this movie does have is a loop of stock footage that includes Beverly Hills, CGI sharks, a beach, and an aquarium that it cuts back to time after time. Between the extensive credit sequences and the stock footage, I would guess the actual actors are not on the screen more than 45 minutes of the entire 75-minute runtime.   

It doesn’t get much better when the actors are on the screen. I watched this because Donna Wilkes is in it. I had recently watched her in JAWS 2, and I remember her back in the ‘80’s in the enjoyable, low-budget exploitation film ANGEL (“High School Honor Student by Day. Hollywood Hooker by Night”). She doesn’t have anything to work with here, and neither do the other actors. The characters and dialogue are as ridiculous as you would expect, but in a boring way, not a fun way. So much time is spent watching them walk from room to room, or across the yard, or taking a shower, or gallivanting in the pool. I couldn’t even enjoy the shower scenes, because they only focused on the men!

When it’s all said and done, there’s very little time left for the sharks. And based on our movie, that’s not a big issue. Our CGI shark gets less than 30 seconds for the entire film. This part is sad, because the one thing that I did find ridiculously fun in a “wtf” kind of way is when the demonic ghost-shark first appears at about the 47-minute mark.

At the end of the day, I blame director David DeCoteau for this mess. I’ve been watching some of his “Wrong” series of Lifetime TV movies with the #MondayMania live tweet group. Those movies aren’t high art, but they are fun, campy thrillers, so I know he can make an enjoyable film. At the end of the day, I didn’t expect something great, but I did expect him to try to entertain us. Apparently, that was too much to ask!