Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.24 “Isaac Gets Physical/She Brought Her Mom Along/Cold Feet”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, horror royalty boards the Love Boat!

Episode 5.24 “Isaac Gets Physical/She Brought Her Mother Along/Cold Feet”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on March 20th, 1982)

For this week, and this week only, there’s a new member of the Love Boat crew.  Charlene Glover (Shirley Hemphill) is a nurse who has been sent to give every member of the crew a physical in order to make sure that it’s safe for them to work on a cruise ship.  Isaac panics because he has high blood pressure and he worries that he’s going to lose his job as a result.  This would seem like a good opportunity for the show to share some tips on what to do if you suffer from high blood pressure but instead, the whole storyline is a smitten Charlene chasing Isaac and Isaac trying to change his medical records.  It was a bit mean-spirited since most of the laughs came from the idea of Isaac having to get romantic with someone who was overweight in order to keep his job.

(That said, take your blood pressure seriously, everyone.  My Dad had high blood pressure his entire life and it was not easy for him.)

Speaking of mean-spirited, Carter Randall (Richard Dean Anderson) is engaged to marry Muffy (Linda Blair …. yes, that Linda Blair) but he’s getting cold feet.  So, he starts leaving her messages and making phone calls to her in which he speaks with a fake Southern accent.  There are three Texans on the boat and Carter is pretending to be one of them, hoping that Muffy will fall in love with this imaginary person and then break off their marriage …. WHAT A JERK!  And yet, somehow, this plan causes Carter to realize how much he does love Muffy and Muffy is totally forgiving when the truth comes out.  Seriously, that’s not the Linda Blair that we all know from such classic films as Savage Streets and Chained Heat!  What the heck, Linda?

(I should also mention that Carter’s attempt at a Texas accent was terrible.  In fact,  none of the actors playing the Texans had a convincing accent.  For shame, Love Boat, for shame!)

Finally, Millicent (Betsy Palmer) boards the boat with her daughter, Debbie (Connie Needham).  Debbie introduces Millicent to her boyfriend and it turns out that Debbie’s dating some guy who is at least twenty years old than her.  In fact, Ted (Gene Barry) is so old that he used to date Millicent!  Wow, creepy!  Anyway, Millicent and Ted realize that they’re still in love so sorry, Debbie.  Ted even says he fell in love with Debbie because she reminded him of Millicent.  Somehow, Debbie learns all of this without jumping overboard.

As a horror fan, I enjoyed this episode.  Gene Barry was in War of the Worlds.  Linda Blair was in The Exorcist.  Betsy Palmer was the original Mrs. Voorhies.  They really should have aired this episode in October.  The stories were terrible but I simply can’t resist an episode that featured this much horror royalty.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.4 “The Angel’s Triangle/Natchez Bound”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, an angel comes to the Island.

Episode 6.4 “The Angel’s Triangle/Natchez Bound”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on November 6th, 1982)

Death takes a holiday!

Well, not literally.  The Angel of Death, Michael Eden (played by Gary Collins), does come to Fantasy Island but he’s working.  Years ago, he was meant to take soul of Catharine Harris (Carol Lynley), a woman who was in a car accident with her husband, Brent Harris (Doug McClure).  Michael could not bring himself to allow Catharine to die.  So, she miraculously survived.  But now, years later, Michael has been sent to collect the soul of Brent.  Brent and Catharine have come to Fantasy Island to have the honeymoon they missed out on due to the car accident.  Michael has come to make sure that the honeymoon is a tragic one.

Michael very much wants to take Brent’s soul.  If Brent’s dead than maybe Michael and Catharine could (somehow) be together.  But when Brent is taken ill and sent to the Fantasy Island hospital, Michael sees how much Catharine loves her husband.  And he allow Brent to live, which seems a bit unfair to …. well, like anyone.  Or at the very least, anyone who has ever died or lost a loved one.

The interesting thing about this fantasy was that it established that Roarke is apparently not an angel.  When Roarke introduces Tattoo to Michael, Roarke says that Michael “is not like us.”  This leads to a funny moment in which Tattoo, upon hearing that Michael is the angel of death, announces that he some work to catch up on.  I always like it when Tattoo gets to do more than just wave at the airplane.  As for the rest of this fantasy, it wasn’t bad.  Carol Lynley did a good job as Catharine.  Gary Collins was a bit stiff but it kind of worked for his character.  Doug McClure was as goofy as ever.

The other fantasy features Jennilee Harrison as Jenny Ryan, a Vegas card dealer who wants to work on a Mississippi steamboat.  She gets her wish and promptly gets involved with helping a writer named Samuel Clemens (Stephen Shortridge, a.k.a. Beau on Welcome Back Kotter) and a kid named Huck Finn (Adam Rich) hide an escaped slave (Sam Scarber) from a dastardly gambler and slave hunter (Roddy McDowall).  Did I mention that Clemens is having trouble coming up with a plot for his new book?  Jenny inspires Mark Twain, helps Jim get to safety, and returns to the present with a pet frog.  Sure, why not?  This storyline was predictable, largely because I read Huckleberry Finn in high school.  However, Stephen Shortridge was, somewhat surprisingly given his work on Kotter, perfectly charming as Mark Twain and Roddy McDowall obviously enjoyed hamming up his villainy.  (To be honest, when I saw Roddy’s name in the opening credits, I was hoping he’d be returning as Satan.)

This was not a bad episode, especially compared to the previous season 6 episodes.  Both fantasies held me attention and apparently, the Angel of Death will leave you alone if he thinks you’re cute.  That’s good to know!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.15 “I Don’t Play Anymore/Gopher’s Roommate/Crazy For You”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Gopher thinks that he recognizes a passenger!

Episode 5.15 “I Don’t Play Anymore/Gopher’s Roommate/Crazy For You”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on January 23rd, 1982)

When Rachel (Mackenzie Phillips) boards the ship, Gopher is sure that they’ve met before.  Rachel tells Gopher that he must be mistaken and, in fact, she goes out of her way to avoid him.  Since no one on this ship has ever stopped to consider that getting the cruise line sued would be bad for their career, Gopher continues to follow Rachel around.  Rachel finally tells Gopher the truth.

She does know him.

In fact, they were once quite close.

In college, Rachel was Gopher’s roommate and she played for the football team.  However, after graduating college, she had gender-affirmation surgery and now, she goes by the name of Rachel.  Gopher is stunned and I know what you’re probably thinking.  You’re probably looking at the 1982 air date and assuming that the whole storyline becomes consumed with gay panic as Gopher grapples with having been attracted to his former roommate.  (Doc also hits on her but then again, Doc hits on anyone.)  Well, believe it or not, The Love Boat handles this storyline with a surprising amount of sensitivity.  Yes, Gopher is stunned at first.  But he soon comes to respect and support Rachel’s decision, even if he doesn’t fully understand it.  Physically, the rather slight Mackenzie Phillips is not particularly believable as a former football player but still, both she and Fred Grandy gave good performance in the story.  This week was a case of The Love Boat really taking me by surprise.

Meanwhile, psychiatrist Lisa Lessing (Joanna Cassidy) boards the boat to observe David Jackson (Dick Shawn), an exec who is asking for worker’s compensation because he claims to be mentally ill.  Lisa (hey!) is on board to check on David’s sanity.  Lisa comes to believe that David is not faking but — surprise! — David actually is faking and now he feels bad because he and Lisa have fallen in love.  Lisa decides to pretend to be crazy too.  Uhmmm, okay.

Pianist Paul Krakauer (James MacArthur) has retired from playing because of the crippling arthritis in his hands.  When he meets Irene (Donna Pescow), a maid on the ship, he falls in love and decides to give one last performance so that he can make a quick $25,000 and give it to Irene so she can get an operation to fix her ankle.  Turns out that Doc has some ‘medicine” that allows Paul to play the piano but it takes several hours to take it effect so Paul misses a date that he previously set up with Irene.  Irene is ready to dump David until she finds out why he stood her up.

So, this episode had one surprisingly sensitive and two kind of bland storylines.  (The pianist storyline was ultimately saved by Donna Pescow’s performance as Irene.)  And I’ve got a massive headache and a cold.  Bleh.  That said, this was actually an above-average cruise, featuring some good performances on the part of the passengers and the cruise.  This week’s trip on The Love Boat was worth it.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.1 “Curse of the Moreaus/My Man Friday”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

Welcome to the sixth season of Fantasy Island!

Episode 6.1 “Curse of the Moreaus/My Man Friday”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on October 16th, 1982)

A new season has begun and the fifth season’s Julie experiment is officially over.  Mr. Roarke is back and Tattoo is once again his only assistant.  Julie is not only missing but she’s not even mentioned in this episode.  Personally, I think Julie went to college on the mainland or maybe she married Gopher from the Love Boat.  Either way, Julie is gone and Fantasy Island is back to normal.

This week’s fantasies both felt familiar.  It was another haunted house fantasy and another “secretary-becomes-the-boss fantasy.”  After spending nearly ten years as a secretary at an ad agency, Linda Whitney (Pamela Hensley) has watched as her stupid boss, Ed Turner (Avery Schrieber) has taken credit for all of her ideas and as everyone has gotten promoted but her.  Linda wants to be an executive and fortunately, Mr. Roarke knows the president of her company.  Linda has received a promotion to the executive suite.  She has 48 hours to prove herself or she’ll be “demoted” back to secretary.

(Demoted is in scare quotes because, right out of college, I worked as an administrative assistant and let me just say that a good assistant is the most important person in any office.)

What’s odd about this fantasy is that Mr. Roarke arranges for Linda’s office to be transported to Fantasy Island.  But all of Linda’s co-workers are transported to the Island as well.  In fact, the entire building seems to now be on Fantasy Island.  I mean, at this point, we all know that Mr. Roarke can pretty much do anything but even this seems a bit extreme for a fantasy that is clearly established as not being something that’s just happening in Linda’s head.  Mr. Roarke is somehow transporting office buildings now.  Were Linda’s co-workers given any warning before being transported to the Island?

It’s not easy being an executive.  Her old boss wants her to fail.  All of her former secretarial colleagues want her to fail.  Can Linda get land the big account?  Sure, she can.  Luckily, she has a male secretary named Jack Friday (James Houghton) to help out!  By the end of the episode, Linda has come to realize that she treated the handsome Jack almost as poorly and objectified Jack almost as much Ed Turner did to her.  Then again, Jack does introduce himself by saying that he likes working for women because they have “better legs.”  All that said, I liked the fantasy.  I liked that Linda kept her promotion.  I liked that she worked with Jack without falling in love with him.  I like that she left the Island on her own, satisfied with her new career.

As for the other fantasy, Jack Moreau (Stuart Whitman) is haunted by nightmares in which he kills his wife, Kathy (Barbara Rush).  Agck!  It turns out that Moreau men are cursed.  They murder their wives on their 50th birthday.  Jack failed to mention this to Kathy when they got married.  That’s probably grounds for divorce.  Anyway, Mr. Roarke sends them to spend Jack’s birthday weekend in the Moreau plantation, where they are watched by a mysterious servant (Raymond St. Jacques) who seems to be all about driving Jack to murder his wife.  Fortunately, Jack does not murder his wife.  Kathy tells Jack that she loves him and the curse is broken.  Hey, that was easy!  That said, I enjoyed this fantasy.  The Fantasy Island haunted house stories always have a lot of atmosphere to them.  They’re fun to watch.

This was a good start of the season.  It was nice to see Tattoo and Roarke joking again.  Tattoo points out that a good boss needs good people working for him and Tattoo’s absolutely right.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.3 “Two Grapes On The Vine/Aunt Sylvia/Deductible Divorce”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, The Love Boat hosts a special event!

Episode 5.3 “Two Grapes On The Vine/Aunt Sylvia/Deductible Divorce”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on October 17th, 1981)

This week, the Love Boat is hosting a wine tasting competition!

Basically, the contestants sit in the ballroom.  They take a sip of wine.  They then write down what type of wine they think they just tasted.  All of the members of the crew and the majority of the passengers watch them.  Seriously, it looks like the most boring thing ever.  I mean, I get why the competitors are into it.  The winner gets a lot of money.  But why would you want to watch people drink?  I mean, if you’re crazy into wine, it seems like you’d want to drink it yourself.  What fun is there in watching other people drink something?  I’ll just say that, if I was on a cruise, I would want to do other things.  I would want lay out by the pool or look at the ocean or maybe solve a murder.  What I would not want to do would be to spend hours watching other people drink and then spit.

Also, I have to wonder about the wisdom of hosting a wine tasting competition on a ship that’s captained by a recovering alcoholic.  Did the show forget this key part of the captain’s character?  Merrill Stubing is a recovering alcoholic and he lives his life with the rigorous discipline of someone who is trying to avoid falling back into old habits.  It would seem like Captain Stubing would at least mention his alcoholic past in this episode, especially after Vicki says that she wishes she could take part in the contest.  Wouldn’t this be a good time for Stubing to explain that an addictive personality can be hereditary?

I know, I know.  I’m overthinking.  It’s just because I found this episode to be remarkably dull.  I mean, I love The Love Boat but this episode was just boring.  The whole wine tasting thing just put me to sleep.

It didn’t help that the three stories weren’t particularly interesting.

Robert Guillaume and Leslie Uggams played the two finalists in the wine tasting competition.  They each lied to the other about why they needed the money.  Then they fell in love and they each threw the competition so the other could win the money.  But since they both got the last wine wrong, no one won and no money was awarded.  Wow, wine tasting is a harsh sport!

Tanya Tucker and Michael Goodwin played a married couple who got divorced every year so that they could get a tax break.  This time, they sailed to Mexico for a quickie divorce.  Tucker’s ex-boyfriend, Robert Walden, was on the cruise and Tucker was tempted to stay divorced.  However, she and Goodwin eventually decided to get married a sixth time and to never get divorced again.  I liked this story solely because it was about screwing over the IRS.

Finally, Betty White wanted to marry Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. but he instead fell for Betty White’s friend, Carol Channing.  No worries though!  Fairbanks gave Betty White a job so that she would no longer have to marry for money.

It was all pretty boring.  As I said, I love this show but this episode tasted as flat as a French wine from 1178.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.13 “Isaac’s Teacher/Seal of Approval/The Curse of Dumbrowskis”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Get ready for a very odd cruise!

Episode 4.13 “Isaac’s Teacher/Seal of Approval/The Curse of the Dumbrowskis”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on January 10th, 1981)

This is a weird episode.

Harriet (Florence Henderson) boards the ship with her husband, Harold Rogers (Jeffrey Tambor).  Now, the idea of Florence Henderson and Jeffrey Tambor as a married couple may sound strange but it’s even stranger when you actually see it.  Henderson and Tambor have absolutely zero chemistry together.  Tambor looks more like Henderson’s no-good stepson than her husband.

Harriet is convinced that she is destined to die at an early age so she continually pressures Harold to find a woman that he can marry after she’s gone.  In fact, Harriet thinks that maybe Harold could marry another passenger on the boat, Cindy (Christina Hart).  Harold is getting frustrated with the pressure that Harriet is putting on him to find a new lover.  Doc Bricker suggests that maybe Harold should make Harriet jealous by cheating on her with Cindy.  What?  I mean, I’m not surprised that Doc would make that suggestion but it is a bit odd that the show itself seems to think that this is a good idea.  Harold goes along with the idea because, even if Harriet doesn’t get jealous, he’ll still get to sleep with Cindy.  Wait.  What?

Harriet is okay with Harold cheating on her until Harold says that he wants to give her favorite necklace to Cindy.  Harriet realizes that she’s not okay with Harold giving her jewelry to his adulterous lover and she decides that she’ll no longer pressure Harold to find a new wife.  They leave the ship with their marriage stronger than ever.  Doc saves the day!

Meanwhile, Karen (Georgia Engel) boards the boat and immediately falls for Oscar Tilton (Donald O’Connor).  Now, as mismatched as Florence Henderson and Jeffrey Tambor are, they seem like soulmates compared to Georgia Engel and Donald O’Connor.  For one thing, O’Connor appears to be about 20 years older than Georgia Engel.  Secondly, Donald O’Connor’s ebullient style clashes wildly with Georgia Engel’s inability to speak above a whisper.

Oscar is an entertainer who is traveling with his seal, Shirley.  When Shirley sees that Oscar and Karen are falling in love, Shirley gets jealous and throws herself overboard.  She leaves behind her rubber ball, apparently as a way to taunt Oscar.  Oscar is depressed.  How can he do his act without Shirley?  Karen encourages him by telling him that he doesn’t need the seal to be entertaining.  Gopher even helps out by playing the horns that Shirley would have played had she not jumped into the ocean….

I am not making this up.

Anyway, good news all around.  Shirley survives jumping into the ocean and swims back to Oscar’s beach house.  Shirley shows up when the boat docks in Los Angeles.  Oscar tells Shirley that Karen is going to be a part of his life from now on.  Shirley claps her fins, indicating that she approves.

NO, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!

All I can say is thank goodness for Lillian Gish.  Gish plays Mrs. Williams, who boards the boat with her hulking nephew (Reb Brown).  Mrs. Williams is also Isaac’s former teacher.  Isaac is insecure about just being a bartender and pretends, with Gopher’s help, to be the ship’s first officer.  Captain Stubing is not amused.  Isaac tells Mrs. Williams the truth and Mrs. Williams replies that she is proud of Isaac, no matter what he does for a living.

Awwwwwwww!

This was a really simple story but it was sweet.  Lillian Gish’s natural class provided a balance to Jeffrey Tambor cheating on Florence Henderson and Donald O’Connor’s seal trying to scare off Georgia Engel.  And Ted Lange — seriously, episodes like this remind the viewer of how lucky The Love Boat was to have him.  Yes, everyone knows that pointing thing that he does.  But Lange also played Isaac as being a genuinely nice guy.  I don’t drink but if I did, I would want Isaac to be my bartender.

Again, this episode was weird but at least it gave Lillian Gish and Ted Lange a chance to shine.

Shattered Politics #14: The Last Hurrah (dir by John Ford)


Last_Hurrah

Down here in Dallas, we have a county commissioner named John Wiley Price.  Even if you don’t live in Texas, you might have heard about him.  A few years ago, Price stormed out of a commissioners meeting while shouting, “All of you are white!  Go the Hell!”  It was a popular YouTube video for a while and attracted all of the usual type of comments that you see online.  It even made the national news.

Nobody down here in Dallas was surprised by Price’s outburst.  To us, that was just John Wiley being John Wiley.  For that matter, nobody was particularly surprised when it was reported that he was being investigated by the FBI.  Everyone always took it for granted that John Wiley Price was taking bribes and receiving kickbacks.  That’s just the way that things are done down here in Dallas, by politicians both white and black.  (Of course, most of the white politicians who do it don’t get publicly investigated by the FBI.)

Now, if you ask the majority of people in Dallas county what they think about John Wiley Price and they’ll probably say something negative.  I’ll admit that I would probably be among them.  But the thing is — John Wiley Price’s constituents love him.  John Wiley Price was first elected to the commissioner’s court before I was even born and, as long as he’s on the ballot, he will be reelected.  Even if Price is convicted on corruption charges, he will still be reelected.

I can still remember the night that it was announced that John Wiley Price was on the verge of being arrested by the FBI.  All across his district, emergency meetings were held in churches and ministers stood behind the pulpit and, while the TV cameras rolled, they called upon everyone to pray for John Wiley Price.  In Price’s district, he’s known as “our man downtown,” the idea being that John Wiley Price is standing up to the rich and white Dallas establishment and, if he makes some money for himself in the process, so be it.  As long as he’s doing right for the people who elected him, who cares how he does it?

And, as much as we may want to judge the John Wiley Prices of the world, the fact that of the matter is that he’s a part of a long American political tradition.  That political tradition is also the driving force behind today’s final entry in Shattered Politics.

First released in 1958 and directed by John Ford, The Last Hurrah tells the story of Frank Skeffington (Spencer Tracy), the mayor of an unnamed city in New England that’s obviously meant to be Boston.  Skeffington is the flamboyant head of a large and powerful (but, as the film makes clear, aging) Irish-American political machine.  He’s preparing to run for his fifth term for mayor, a campaign that he says will be his last.

Whether Frank Skeffington is a good mayor or not depends on who you ask.  The poor and the disenfranchised love him.  Skeffington, after all, is the son of Irish immigrants.  He was born poor.  His mother worked as a maid and was even fired by a member of the wealthy and influential Force family.  They know that Skeffington has had to cut corners and that he’s gone out of his way to reward his cronies but they also know that Skeffington is on their side.  Though the phrase is never used in the film, Skeffington is “their man downtown.”

Meanwhile, the wealthy and the upper class see Frank Skeffington as being a crook, a man who has run a corrupt administration and who uses class warfare to keep the city divided against itself and to make himself and his cronies rich.  Newspaper editor Amos Force (John Carradine) has thrown his considerable influence between Skeffington’s opponent, a wealthy but dull man named Kevin McCluskey.

Reporter Adam Caulfield (Jeffrey Hunter) is in an interesting position.  On the one hand, he is Skeffington’s nephew.  On the other hand, as a journalist, he works for Amos Force.  Skeffington invites Adam to follow and record his final campaign for posterity.

It’s interesting to compare The Last Hurrah to films like The Boss or All The King’s Men.  Whereas those two films came down squarely on the sides of the reformers, The Last Hurrah is firmly on the side of Frank Skeffington.  It presents Skeffington as being a sentimental figure, the type of old-fashioned, populist politician who won office by going out and meeting the people face-to-face and personally giving them a reason to vote for him.  As Skeffington himself points out, he’s the type of politician that will soon be made obsolete by television and modern campaigning.

And it’s impossible not to enjoy The Last Hurrah‘s refusal to pass judgment on its lead character.  It helps, of course, that Spencer Tracy plays Skeffington with a twinkle in his eye while all of his opponents are played by villainous and aristocratic character actors like John Carradine and Basil Rathbone.  Yes, the film says, Skeffington may have been corrupt but at least he wasn’t boring!

Finally, I enjoyed the film because all of the “good” guys were Irish Catholic and all of the bad guys most definitely were not.

So, with that last hurrah, we conclude Shattered Politics for today.  We’ll be back tomorrow, when we’ll start to get into the 1960s.

Sláinte!