Angela Aames | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, the sixth season of The Love Boat comes to a close.

Episode 6.29 “Fountain of Youth/Bad Luck Cabin/Uncle Daddy”

(Dir by Robert Scheerer, originally aired on May 7th,1983)

The sixth season of The Love Boat ends on a rather silly note.

A newlywed couple (David Naughton and Lynda Goodfriend) board the ship and a coked-up Julia assigns them to a cabin that is known for being cursed. Couples who stay in the cabin always break up. Gopher and Julie try to make sure that the couple doesn’t fall victim to the curse.

Henry Harper (Ted McGinley), who appears to be in his 20s, boards the boat and tells elderly Dwight Schofield (David Wayne) that he’s the same Henry Harper that Dwight went to college with. Henry claims that he’s discovered the Fountain of Youth! Actually, this Henry Harper is the grandson of the original Henry Harper and this is all an elaborate scheme to get revenge on Dwight for cheating the first Henry Harper out of an oil well. Dwight, however, falls for it and tries to buy the Fountain of Youth. Grandson Henry, meanwhile, falls in love with Dwight’s granddaughter (Michele Tobin) who is all like, “I like you but I can’t be with someone from the Twilight Zone.” Grandson Henry eventually admits the truth and all is …. forgiven? Really?

Those two stories were pretty dumb. Fortunately, the third story was an Isaac story and, as he always did whenever he got a chance in the spotlight, Ted Lange really delivered. Isaac wants to marry Gayle Davis (Tracy Reed) so he can become the stepfather of Bobby Davis (Shavar Ross). In the end, Isaac realizes that he doesn’t love Gayle and the marriage wouldn’t work. It was a pretty simple story but Lange always did such a good job of portraying Isaac’s essential decency that it was hard not to get caught up in whether or not he was actually going to leave the Love Boat crew. Fortunately, Isaac will still be pouring drinks during season 7.

This is not only the final Love Boat episode of Season 6 but it’s also my final Love Boat episode of 2025. Retro Television Reviews is taking a break for the holidays so that I can focus on both the Awards Season and Christmas movies. The Love Boat will return on January 7th, 2026.

This 1986 film tells the story of what happens when one local mall decides that it’s had enough of thievery and vandalism.

First off, automatic locks and shutters are installed. What that means is that, at a certain hour, anyone who is inside the mall is going to be trapped there until the morning. Secondly, three robots are used as a security force. They’re called Protectors and they roll around, looking for thieves and keeping people safe. Don’t worry about getting mistaken for a thief, of course. As long as you’ve got a badge, the protector will just say, “Thank you and have a good day.”

It all seems perfect but …. what if the robots malfunction? What if they ignore the badges and just start killing anyone unlucky enough to be trapped in the mall for the night? Surely, that could never happen, right?

Of course, it does happen. Thanks to a freak electrical storm, the Protectors come to life and set out to keep the mall safe from intruders. First, they kill the technicians that are supposed to keeping a watch over them. Then, they kill a janitor named Walter Paisley (played, of course, by Dick Miller). Then, they set off after the six attractive people who were having a sleep-over in one of the stores.

So, what did I learn from Chopping Mall?

Well, I was tempted to say that I learned not to shoplift but actually, no one in the movie gets in trouble for shoplifting. I guess the main thing I learned is not to walk around the mall in my underwear because that definitely seems to be something that will cause the Protectors to blow up your head.

I also learned that, if you’re tapped in the mall with a bunch of killer robots, the best place to go is the sporting goods store because that store not only has a lot of automatic rifles but also an unlimited supply of ammunition. Of course, I already learned that from Dawn of the Dead but it’s always good to be reminded….

Anyway, Chopping Mall is a lot of fun. It’s undeniably dated. Just the fact that everyone’s life revolves around a mall tells you just how dated it is. I guess if they made the film now, it would have to take place at an Ikea store or maybe an Amazon warehouse. But the fact that the film is dated is a part of what makes it so much fun to watch. Seriously, it’s amazing all of the stuff that apparently used to go on at the local mall in the 80s.

Despite the fact that they have a bad habit of killing people, the Protectors are actually kind of cute. If nothing else, they’re unfailingly polite. You have to love the fact that they’ll wish you a nice day even after they’ve killed you. Surprisingly enough, the humans are just as likable as the Protectors. For a film about killer robots, Chopping Mall is surprisingly well-acted by a likable cast. Russell Todd, who was the best-looking man to ever be killed by Jason Voorhees, is in this film and he’s as broodingly handsome here as he was in Friday the 13th Part II.

Chopping Mall is a good mix of humor and thrills and robots and exploding heads and Dick Miller. This is 80s mall horror at its best!