Goddess of Love (1988, directed by Jim Drake)

Posted on by Jedadiah Leland

On Mount Olympus, “ages ago” according to a title card, Zeus (John Rhys Davies) is displeased with his daughter Aphrodite (Wheel of Fortune letter turner Vanna White).  Aphrodite, who insists on being called Venus, has refused to marry every man or God that Zeus has found for her and she even started the Trojan War.  Zeus says that Venus must learn what love means before she can rejoin the Gods.  He then turns her into a statue (!) and sends her down to Earth.

How is she going to learn what love means as a statue?  It’s obviously a pertinent question because, thousands of years later, she’s still set in marble and standing in a museum.  Two thieves wheel her out to a courtyard and leave her there so they can pick her up later.  Before the thieves return, Ted Beckman (David Naughton) and his womanizing friend, Jimmy (David Leisure), wander by.  For some reason, Ted slides an engagement ring on Venus’s finger.  Venus comes to life.  She and Ted must now fall in love for real in order for Venus to return to Mount Olympus.  The only problem is that Ted is a hairdresser and he’s already engaged to marry Cathy (Amanda Bearse).

A made-for-TV movie that unsuccessfully tried to revive the acting career that Vanna White abandoned for Wheel of Fortune, Goddess of Love is a spectacularly stupid movie that attempts to disguises its threadbare plot by being extremely busy.  Not only do Ted and Venus have to overcome a lack of romantic chemistry and fall in love but the two thieves are also still looking for Venus and even Little Richard shows up as one of Ted’s employees.  Venus not only accidentally burns down Ted’s business but also maxes out his credit cards.  Philip Baker Hall plays the detective investigating the theft of the statue and gives a performance reminiscent of his classic Bookman turn from Seinfeld.  It’s dumb but Vanna herself gives a far more engaging performance than the material requires or deserves.  Some of her line deliveries are a little wooden but she still radiates the natural likability that made her an unlikely celebrity in the 80s.  Goddess of Love should have cast Pat Sajak as Ted.  Then it would have been a classic.

Dead Man’s Gold (1948, directed by Ray Taylor)

Posted on by Jedadiah Leland

Jim Thornton (Britt Wood) has discovered a gold mine so he writes to his old friends, Lash LaRue (Lash La Rue) and Fuzzy (Al St. John), asking them to come help him guard it.  When Lash and Fuzzy arrive, Jim is nowhere to be found.  With the help of Jim’s niece (Peggy Stewart), they discover that Jim’s been murdered.  It doesn’t take a genius to realize that the murder was carried out by Conway (Jason Cason) and his men and that’s a good thing because a genius is something you will never find in a Lash La Rue western.  However, Lash suspects that Conway was following someone else’s orders.  He and Fuzzy set up a trap to reveal the true identity of the mastermind.

Lash dresses in all black and often uses a whip instead of a gun but this is still a standard B-western.  Historically, it’s important because it was the first movie that La Rue made with producer Ron Ormond.  Ormond later went from producing Lash La Rue films to directing them and Lash’s career never really recovered.  (Ormond, whose non-Lash LaRue films included Mesa of Lost Women and If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?, was never much of a director.)  Fortunately, Dead Man’s Gold was directed by the dependable Ray Taylor, who keeps the action moving and crafts an adequate if not exactly memorable western.

There is one cool scene in Dead Man’s Gold, in which Lash uses his whip to knock a shot glass out of a bad guy’s hand.  Let’s see The Lone Ranger do that!

The Super (1991, directed by Ron Daniel)

Posted on by Jedadiah Leland

You’ve just won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for playing a psychotic gangster and you’re worried that it’s going to lead to you getting typecast as a villain.  What do you do?

If you’re Joe Pesci, you follow-up playing Tommy DeVito in Goodfellas by agreeing to play Louie Kritski, Jr. in The Super.  Louie is the son of a slumlord (Vincent Gardenia) and he’s eager to follow his old man into the family business.  But when Louie is arrested for failing to keep his buildings up to code, he’s sentenced to actually live in one of them.  Louie has to stay in a rat-infested apartment.  He has to repair the rest of the building and will not be allowed to do any work on his apartment until everyone else’s apartment is up to code.  Louie thinks that his father will use his influence to get his son out of this mess.  It turns out that Big Lou just wants to set the building on fire and be done with it.  Louie isn’t down with that.  He may be a loud-mouthed slumlord but he has his standards.

Louie becomes a better person as a result of living in a slum.  All of the tenants, from Marlon (Ruben Blades) to Tito (Kenny Blank), come to respect him.  He even plays basketball with them.  Louie finds a new girlfriend (Madolyn Smith) in the court officer who is sent to check on his progress.  Louie is still Joe Pesci, though.  He’s still a loud mouth who is quick to lose his temper and there’s always a feeling that Louie is about to snap and blow the entire building away.  Joe Pesci was always a good actor and skilled at comedy but The Super doesn’t make good use of his talents in the way that My Cousin Vinny did.  My Cousin Vinny worked because it put Joe Pesci in a place where you wouldn’t expect to find Joe Pesci, the genteel South.  The Super is a New York movie and Pesci’s wiseguy intensity means that his sudden redemption doesn’t feel true.

The Super was a box office flop and briefly derailed Pesci’s attempts to show his range.  Luckily, My Cousin Vinny was right around the corner.

Retro Television Review: Welcome Back, Kotter 4.19 “The Gang Show”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime.

Gabe and Julie are gone but life continues at Buchanan High.

Episode 4.19 “The Gang Show”

(Dir by Norman Abbott, originally aired on March 17th, 1979)

It’s time for the annual Buchanan High talent show and this year, Epstein and Washington are totally convinced that their lame mid-reading act is going to win.  They’ve lost every year that they’ve entered and, considering that both Epstein and Washington appears to be pushing 40, that’s a lot of failure!  Horshack and Beau talk about how their friends came in dead last during the previous show.  How does Beau know?  Beau’s the new kid.  Beau was in Louisiana or wherever he’s supposed to be from when the last talent show was held.

Epstein and Washington think that they’ve got this contest in the bag.  The judges are Horshack, Beau, and their classmate, Wilbur (Bob Harcum).  Their dedicated teacher, Jean Tremaine (Della Reese), is a bit concerned that the judges won’t be mature enough to set aside their friendships and truly honor the best act.  Maybe Mr. Kotter should talk to them….

Oh wait, Gabe isn’t in this episode.

Maybe Julie needs to cross her arms and tell the judges, “This is not funny….”

Oh wait, Julie’s not here either.

That’s right, this is another Welcome Back Kotter episode that doesn’t feature or even mention a single Kotter.  Woodman is there, making odd comments and carrying two hardboiled eggs.  (Woodman’s so cool.)  But the Kotters are gone and, for some reason, everyone’s acting like Ms. Treamaine has always been their teacher.

As for the talent show, Epstein and Washington’s act sucks.  Far more impressive is Carvelli (Charles Fleischer), who sings a blues song about peanut butter and jelly and show that there’s more to him than just being a bully.  Remember when Carvelli and Wilbur first appeared on the show and they were members of a rival gang and the implication was that both Carvelli and Wilbur had killed multiple people?  Now, suddenly, Carvelli is the king of the talent show and Wilbur is one of the judges.  It’s amazing how things change.  All they really had to do was get rid of Julie and suddenly, Carvelli is revealing himself to be a sensitive soul.

Horshack and Beau do the right thing.  They vote for Carvelli.  Wilbur votes for Washington and Epstein because he genuinely liked their dumb act.  Apparently, there were no other acts.  What a lame talent show!  Tremiane is proud of Horshack and Beau for doing the right thing.  She encourages Washington and Epstein to try again next year …. NEXT YEAR!?  Epstein’s going gray and Washington has laugh lines.  If they’re still in school next year, Buchanan needs to be shut down!

This was a weird episode.  I used to make fun of Gabe’s corny jokes but they would have been useful in this episode.  Seriously, this whole fourth season just feels wrong.  Kotter without Kotter just doesn’t work.

Live Tweet Alert: Join #ScarySocial for Pitch Black!

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on twitter.  I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, at 9 pm et, Tim Buntley will be hosting #ScarySocial!  The movie?  Pitch Black!

If you want to join us this Friday, just hop onto twitter, start the movie at 9 pm et, and use the #ScarySocial hashtag!  I’ll be there tweeting and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well.  It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Pitch Black is available on Prime!

See you there!

Music Video of the Day: Gone Fishin’ by MacKenzie Carpenter (2025, dir by ????)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

I’m a country girl so I related to this one and I liked Mackenzie Carpenter’s attitude in the song.  That’s Southern sass as its best.  That said, that doesn’t look like much of a fishing hole.

Enjoy!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 3.5 “Stick It In Your Ear”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The entire series can be found on YouTube!

This week, a hearing aide turns into a snake and heads explode all over wherever this show is supposed to be taking place.  I always assumed this show took place in Canada but some people insist it was set in Chicago.  I just know it’s taking place somewhere cold.

Episode 3.5 “Stick In Your Ear”

(Dir by Douglas Jackson, originally aired on October 16th, 1989)

Hack stage mentalist Adam Cole (Wayne Best) has come into possession of a cursed hearing aid that allows him to hear the thoughts of other people.  This is great for act!  However, the hearing aid also sometimes becomes so full of other people’s thoughts that Adam has to commit murder to keep his head from exploding.  Yikes!

This is yet another episode where more time is spent with the person using the cursed object than with Jack, Micki, and Ryan Johnny.  There’s not necessarily anything wrong with that and Wayne Best does fine  in the role of the not-particularly sympathetic Adam Cole.  But, watching this episode, I still found myself missing the old days — let’s call them the Ryan days — when the chemistry between the three leads was often just as important as the gore and the horror.  As a character, Johnny still often feels a bit half-baked, as if the show’s writers still weren’t quite sure who he was.  When he was first introduced, he was cocky and streetwise.  Then he went to prison for a murder he didn’t commit!  Then, he was revealed to be a baseball fan who liked to build ships in bottles.  And now, in this episode, he’s suddenly an aspiring writer who enjoys reading the tabloids.  Steven Monarque does what he can but the character is so inconsistent that Johnny still feels a bit out-of-place in the show’s world.  At the very least, Ryan had a reason for sticking with the often grisly hunt for the antiques.  He wanted to do it with his cousin.  (I know, I know …. ewwww!  But it was also Ryan’s most defining motivation.)  Johnny’s motivations are a bit more opaque.

This episode did feature some Cronenbergian body horror, a nice reminder of Friday the 13th‘s Canadian origins.  Not clearing out the hearing aid leads to some exploding head action which is quite graphic even for this show.  That said, it bothers me that one person’s head more or less implodes in front of an entire studio audience and you really do have to wonder how exactly that’s going to be explained to the press.  I would think an exploding head and a snake-like hearing aid would lead to a lot of people saying, “Hey, maybe there is something out there.”

This was a gory episode, nicely acted and featuring an intriguing antique.  That said, I still miss Ryan.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special 1967 Edition

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

Today, we take a look at a classic cinematic year.  It’s time for….

4 Shots From 4 1967 Films

Something Weird (1967, dir by Herschell Gordon Lewis, DP: Andy Romanoff)

Bonnie and Clyde (1967, dir by Arthur Penn, DP: Burnett Guffey)

Who’s That Knocking On My Door (1967, dir by Martin Scorsese, DP: Michael Wadley and Richard Coll)

Point Blank (1967, dir by John Boorman, DP: Philip H. Lathrop)