Marty Davis | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, there’s an interesting crime spree but nothing is more important than Ponch’s feelings.

Episode 5.23 “Trained For Trouble”

(Dir by Barry Crane, originally aired on April 4th, 1982)

Animals have been trained to steal money! A hawk swoops down and steals a bag of cash from an armored car. Chimpanzees rob a bank! It’s madness and the Highway Patrol has its work cut out for them as they attempt to catch whoever has trained these criminal animals. (The minute that one sees Don Stroud’s name in the guest star list, it’s pretty easy to guess who is responsible.)

That may sound like a cute idea for a show and, to be honest, it is. However, this episode is somehow less concerned with the animals robbing banks than it is with every woman in Los Angeles mistaking Ponch for a Chippendale’s dancer. It turns out that one of the male strippers — “Officer Richard” — looks like just like Ponch. Richard is credited as being played by “Angelo Bernardi.” Seeing as how Bernardi has no other credits on the imdb other than this episode, I’m not convinced that wasn’t Erik Estrada stripping off his uniform.

Consider this to be your weekly reminder that, during the fifth seasos, CHiPs was….

From what I’ve read, Larry Wilcox left this show after the fifth season specifically because he felt Erik Estrada was getting all of the good storylines and had basically become the producer’s pet. Watching this episode, you can see why he would be upset. While Estrada spends the episode being chased by every woman in Los Angeles, Wilcox gets a handful of forgettable lines.

On a positive note, this episode did feature the character actor Dan Hedaya, playing someone who chronically confesses to unsolved crimes. His character was, at least, a little interesting. He also got more lines than Larry Wilcox in this episode which, again, perhaps explains why Jon Baker returned to Wyoming after the fifth season.

On Mount Olympus, “ages ago” according to a title card, Zeus (John Rhys Davies) is displeased with his daughter Aphrodite (Wheel of Fortune letter turner Vanna White). Aphrodite, who insists on being called Venus, has refused to marry every man or God that Zeus has found for her and she even started the Trojan War. Zeus says that Venus must learn what love means before she can rejoin the Gods. He then turns her into a statue (!) and sends her down to Earth.

How is she going to learn what love means as a statue? It’s obviously a pertinent question because, thousands of years later, she’s still set in marble and standing in a museum. Two thieves wheel her out to a courtyard and leave her there so they can pick her up later. Before the thieves return, Ted Beckman (David Naughton) and his womanizing friend, Jimmy (David Leisure), wander by. For some reason, Ted slides an engagement ring on Venus’s finger. Venus comes to life. She and Ted must now fall in love for real in order for Venus to return to Mount Olympus. The only problem is that Ted is a hairdresser and he’s already engaged to marry Cathy (Amanda Bearse).

A made-for-TV movie that unsuccessfully tried to revive the acting career that Vanna White abandoned for Wheel of Fortune, Goddess of Love is a spectacularly stupid movie that attempts to disguises its threadbare plot by being extremely busy. Not only do Ted and Venus have to overcome a lack of romantic chemistry and fall in love but the two thieves are also still looking for Venus and even Little Richard shows up as one of Ted’s employees. Venus not only accidentally burns down Ted’s business but also maxes out his credit cards. Philip Baker Hall plays the detective investigating the theft of the statue and gives a performance reminiscent of his classic Bookman turn from Seinfeld. It’s dumb but Vanna herself gives a far more engaging performance than the material requires or deserves. Some of her line deliveries are a little wooden but she still radiates the natural likability that made her an unlikely celebrity in the 80s. Goddess of Love should have cast Pat Sajak as Ted. Then it would have been a classic.