What film would Alex Magana make if he were a robot? This is a question that no one wanted answered, but Elevate Studios said, TOUGH, you are gettin it! And get it we did!
Many worry that AI will take over the world and our jobs; well, I’m here to tell you that you are 50% correct! AI will likely take your job, but not the world because it’ll just be too busy making boring/terrible short films. Hey Robots, look I get that you feel like you got a full head of steam here, but why make terrible movies? We have people for that and those are jobs that are too good for you. This short is about a priest called into perform and exorcism and he proceeds to punch the possessed woman and the demon leaves her. Yes, that was the whole film. I feel less now that I have seen this.
I put together a short myself using AI to show what it will be like when AI displaces humans:
Will the Robot unalive us all? I don’t know, but they will sure try to bore us to death!
Future serious actor Robert Vaughn made his film debut in 1958’s TeenageCaveman. Directed by Roger Corman, TeenageCaveman tells the story of a rebellious young man (that’s Robert Vaughn) who chooses to defy his father’s warnings and venture beyond the caves and into “the forbidden zone.” He’s told that monsters roam in the forbidden zone and indeed, at least one of them does. However, neither the Teenage Caveman nor his father are prepared for what lies at the heart of the forbidden zone.
(What will he find out there, Dr. Zaius?)
Robert Vaughn later said that, out of all the bad films that he made, this was the worst. Personally, I think he was being a bit too hard on the film. It’s not good but it is definitely fun. Along with watching all of the dinosaur stock footage, you get to wonder how a caveman — especially a teenage caveman! — could possibly have such perfect hair. Even more importantly, if you stick with it, this film has a twist ending that has to be seen to be believed.
In 2015’s Alison’sChoice, Chanel Marriott plays Alison.
Alison is a teenager who has a difficult relationship with her father. He holds back his emotions from her. She’s been left feeling insecure as a result and is perhaps a bit too dependent upon validation from other men. For instance, her no-good boyfriend, Rick (Julian Alexander), bullies her into having sex in his tiny car. When Alison later discovers that she’s pregnant, Rick’s response is to tell her to get rid of it. He tells her to go find a clinic and have an abortion and then talk to him later. Rick makes it clear that he will not paying for the procedure. He also leaves it up in the air as to whether or not he’ll even come to the clinic to support Alison.
Classy guy, that Rick.
At the clinic, Alison finds herself having doubts. Does she really want to get an abortion? The clinic’s rather harsh and antiseptic atmosphere doesn’t make things any easier. One nurse (Liz Randall) tries to pressure Alison to go through with her abortion. The doctor (Britt Prentice) confesses that he can’t guarantee that abortion isn’t murder. At the front desk, Ms. Glo (Bunny Gibson) asks Alison is she’s really sure she wants to go through with the procedure. A pushy social worker named Marta (Amy Lydon) assures Alison that it’s not big deal. Lecretia (Alicia Monet Caldwell) makes fun of Alison for being a first-timer.
And, of course, Jesus (Bruce Marchiano) shows up as a janitor and encourages Alison not to get an abortion. Actually, he encourages everyone all over the world not to get an abortion and, whenever anyone does, he starts crying. He says that he’s been working as a janitor since 1973. That, of course, was the year of Roe v Wade.
Bruce Marchiano has played Jesus in a number of films. He played Jesus in The Encounter, which is something of a guilty pleasure of mine. Marchiano has a calm and soothing voice and his eyes tend to radiate kindness, which makes him a good choice to play Jesus. From what I’ve seen of him in various faith-based productions, he’s not a bad actor at all. He can deliver his lines without looking straight at the camera and he’s capable of showing emotion. By the standards of many faith-based films, that makes him almost Brandoesque.
Unfortunately, Alison’sChoice is so heavy-handed and awkwardly acted by everyone else in the cast that Marchiano’s characteristically good and empathetic performance can’t really save it. I’m not going to get into the specifics of whether or not the film is correct about abortion, beyond saying that this is not a film that is going to change anyone’s mind about the issue. It’s a heavy-handed pro-life tract. (Then again, there’s also been more than a few heavy-handed pro-choice tracts.) What I will say is that Alison, as a character, is so indecisive and, quite frankly, annoying that it didn’t take me long to lose interest in her. Even after she becomes convinced that she’s actually talking to Jesus, she still can’t decide whether or not she loves her boyfriend. Girl, Jesus just told you that your boyfriend is no good. I don’t care what anyone thinks about abortion. If Jesus suddenly shows up and tells you to dump your boyfriend, you do it.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Good Morning, Miss Bliss, which ran on the Disney Channel from 1988 to 1989 before then moving to NBC and being renamed Saved By The Bell. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!
This week, we close out the Miss Bliss years.
Episode 1.13 “The Mentor”
(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on March 18th, 1989)
For some reason, Miss Bliss’s mentor — James Lyman (Robert Donner) — shows up at the school to visit his favorite student, Carrie Bliss. (Apparently, the very British Miss Bliss grew up in Indiana. I’m not saying it’s not possible, as her parents could have come over when Miss Bliss was still young. That said, it just seems odd that no one — not even her students — ever mention anything about Miss Bliss being British. It would seem like something Miss Bliss would have mentioned during all of those lessons about the Constitution and American history.) Mr. Lyman is retired but he agrees to substitute for Miss Bliss while she spends a week doing paperwork. (Most teachers would probably just have to suck it up and both teach and do paperwork during the week but not our Miss Bliss!)
This is one of those annoying episodes where Mr. Lyman is the unconventional teacher who gives the kids free hall passes and takes them on extended field trip without getting permission beforehand. Mr. Lyman makes learning fun! (Gag!) Miss Bliss gets upset because Mr. Lyman isn’t following her lesson plan and Mr. Lyman basically accuses Miss Bliss of being a sellout. For once, I’m on Miss Bliss’s side here. Mr. Lyman is a substitute. His job is to follow the lesson plan. If Miss Bliss doesn’t want him to handing out hall passes, that’s her right. It’s her class! And this whole thing of trusting the students not to abuse the hall pass? I would have totally abused a free hall pass. Everyone would abuse a free hall pass! I would laughed at any teacher dumb enough to give me a free hall pass. It’s almost as if the people who wrote this episode had absolutely no knowledge of how teenagers think. In the end, Mr. Lyman comes across as being an unlikable crank. The episode ends up with dressing up like Abraham Lincoln and showing up, unannounced, in Miss Bliss’s classroom. Seriously, someone call the cops on their weirdo.
Meanwhile, Nikki worries that boys don’t see her as being feminine. Lisa teachers her how to wear makeup. Next year, maybe Nikki and Zach….
Oh, wait a minute. Sorry, Zach, Mr. Belding, Screech, and Lisa are all moving to California. Nikki, Mickey, Miss Bliss, Ms. Palladino, Mylo are staying in Indiana. The Mentor was the final episode of Good Morning, Miss Bliss. The Disney Channel canceled the show but producer Peter Engel took some of the cast over to NBC and launched Saved By The Bell. The Miss Bliss episodes would later be repackaged for syndication with Zach saying, “I remember this time in Junior High…..” I remember changing the channel whenever I realized a Miss Bliss episode was starting.
We’ll start Saved By The Bell next week. Finally, the tyranny of Miss Bliss is over.
Eh. I’m not really interested in Melissa’s adventures as a sixth grade teacher. As well, Tariq really hasn’t been amusing since the end of the first season. I worry this show is reaching the “treading water” phase of its existence.
Hell’s Kitchen (Thursday, Fox)
After a week of commercials that implied the police would be showing up at Hell’s Kitchen to arrest one of the chefs, this week’s episode featured the cops showing up at Hell’s Kitchen so the chefs could make them breakfast. I wasn’t really surprised. Hell’s Kitchen has always been shameless about doing stuff like that. That’s actually a part of the show’s appeal. As for this week’s episode, everyone appears to be remarkably incompetent. I wouldn’t accept a meal from any of these people.
Law & Order (Thursday Night, NBC)
Another week, another murder. Once again, Maroun was upset over having to do her job. The law half of this show is usually pretty good but the order half is awful. Nolan is such a wimp. Maroun should have been fired the first time she ever suggested allowing a criminal to go free.
Ozark Law (Hulu)
I guess this show ran on A&E earlier this year. I watched the first episode on Hulu. It was a reality show about cops in small town Missouri. They had to deal with a bunch of people hanging out at the lake for the Fourth of July weekend. It was the usual stuff. The cops arrested a woman for having an expired license. A man’s house was burglarized. The male cops were all heavily tattooed and bearded. The female cops all looked like the hyper-religious girl from high school who would judge you for wearing a short skirt. All the cops had that terse cop way of speaking.
The Prisoner (Nightflight Plus)
Jeff and I watched the final episode of this 60s show on Friday night. I’ll miss Rover.
Special Force: World’s Toughest Test (Fox, Thursday Night)
Jussie Smollett has left the show so what even is the point now?
Tonight’s episode of Hammer House of Horror features antiques and cults! It’s a like a very British version of Friday the 13h: The Series. This episode is not necessarily one of my favorite episodes of this series. I always find the ending to be disappointing. The said, it does feature an intriguing story and a cast of Hammer veterans.
This episode originally aired on November 15th, 1980.
It’s hard to keep track in The Human Duplicators. Dr. Kolos (Richard Kiel) is an alien who is sent down to Earth. He thinks that he’s not an android but how can he be sure? He goes to the laboratory of Dr. Vaughan Dornheimer (George Macready) and tells Donheimer that they will be working together to create androids that are perfect duplicates for humans and that Kolos will be the “master.” But then an android is built of Dornheimer himself and android Dornhiemer declares that he is the master. Kolos is distracted because he’s fallen in love with Dornhiemer’s daughter, a blind pianist named Lisa (Dolores Faith).
Glenn Martin (George Nader) of the National Intelligence Agency is assigned to figure out what is happening at the Dornhiemer mansion and, wouldn’t you know it, there’s already an android version of Glenn. Glenn’s girlfriend is played the brassy Barbara Nichols, a comedic actress who was briefly groomed to be the next Marilyn Monroe and who comes on like the star of a burlesque show. Glenn’s boss is Austin Wells and he’s played by Hugh Beaumont, which makes this film feel like a weird episode of Leave It To Beaver where Wally has to save the world. I don’t think the bad guys ever duplicate Hugh Beaumont and that’s good because real trouble could be created by an evil version of Ward Cleaver.
The presence of Richard Kiel and Hugh Beaumont is really the only thing that The Human Duplicators have going for it. There are plenty of fights between Glenn and the androids but it turns out that the androids are easy to beat into oblivion so there’s not much suspense or excitement to be found. At times, it feels as if it’s trying to be an episode of The Avengers just without the wit of Patrick Macnee or the charm of Diana Rigg. The Human Duplicators seems to take itself very seriously and I’m not sure why.
After The Human Duplicators, Richard Kiel later went on to play Jaws in The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker. Hugh Beaumont retired from the movies.
For a little bit of historical perspective, Charles Bronson was an up and coming young character actor when he appeared in the 25th episode of season 1 of ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS, “There Was an Old Woman,” which originally aired March 18, 1956. Having already shared the screen with the likes of Gary Cooper, Spencer Tracy, Katherine Hepburn and Burt Lancaster, Bronson had an interesting face that would allow him to comfortably play a wide range of roles in 1950’s Hollywood, from Native Americans (DRUM BEAT and APACHE), murderous criminals (CRIME WAVE and BIG HOUSE USA), compassionate doctors (the TV series MEDIC), and even deaf mutes (HOUSE OF WAX). In the mid-1950’s, Bronson was alternating between character parts on the big screen and guest starring roles on the small screen. For someone like me, it’s fun looking back at these early years and roles when Bronson was a hungry, young actor just trying to keep working. Not blessed with matinee idol looks, he attacked his roles with a gusto that, with the benefit of hindsight, would form a foundation that would eventually lead to him becoming the most popular actor in the world a decade later.
In “There Was an old Woman,” down-on-their-luck married couple, Frank Bramwell (Charles Bronson) and Lorna Bramwell (Norma Crane), are desperate for cash. While finishing off their breakfast at the local cafe, they overhear a private conversation between a milkman and the counter guy concerning the vast wealth of a local old woman named Monica Laughton (Estelle Winwood), an eccentric widow who lives alone in a grand, outdated Victorian house. The Bramwell’s think they’ve won the lottery and soon they’ve hatched a scheme to work their way into Mrs. Laughton’s home in hopes of relieving her of all that money. Once inside her home, the young couple gets much more than they bargained for when they discover that the kind and proper old woman lives in a fantasy world of imaginary people, imaginary dinner parties, and imaginary funerals. They play along with her delusions for a while and set about looking for the money, but when they can’t find it, Frank pulls out his knife and threatens to kill Mrs. Laughton and all her “guests” if she doesn’t give them her money. Needless to say, Mrs. Laughton may be nutty, but she has a few tricks up her sleeve and the Bramwell’s just may be on their way to being permanent guests!
If you enjoy entertainment that features black comedy, ironic twists of fate, and deadly danger in the most unexpected of places, you’ll enjoy this macabre gem of an episode. “There Was an Old Woman” sets the Bramwell’s up to think that they’re the ones in charge, until it’s revealed in an instant that they are in way over their head with the eccentric Mrs. Laughton. Bronson and Norma Crane are good as the married couple with bad intentions. I guess it would be more accurate to say that Bronson’s character has the bad intentions while Norma’s character just seems to have picked the wrong man. Bronson is in his amoral, bully-thug mode here, a type of role he played very well in the early years of his career. I thought Norma Crane projected a sort of innocent sweetness, and I felt sorry for her as events spiraled out of control. But the real star of the episode is Estelle Winwood as the delusional “old woman” of the title. She steals the show as Monica Laughton, delivering a fun and deceptively cunning performance as the grande dame who’s much more aware of the dangers around her than she lets on. She may be eccentric, but she’s nobody’s fool. Estelle Winwood is perfect in the role, a testament to a woman who was 73 years old when this episode aired and who would go on to work for over 20 more years, with her final role on an episode of the TV series QUINCY, M.E. that aired in 1980. One of the joys of watching older TV shows and movies is discovering more about some of these talented actors and actresses who starred in them. Winwood had an incredible, five decade career, and she would pass away in 1984 at 101 years of age.
Overall, I recommend “There Was an Old Woman” to any person who appreciates Alfred Hitchcock, vintage TV, black comedy, Charles Bronson, Norma Crane, and Estelle Winwood. It’s interesting and fun stuff!
Through the Shattered Lens 