Retro Television Reviews: Swimsuit (dir by Chris Thomson)

Posted on November 13, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1989’s Swimsuit. It can be viewed on Tubi!

Mrs. Allison (Cyd Charisse, in what is basically an extended cameo) is determined to make Saltare Swimsuit Company the most popular swimsuit brand in the world. And, as we all know, the key to popularity is picking the right models. She assigns her second-in-command, Brian Rutledge (William Katt, giving off a pure Malibu vibe), to find the most beautiful women and men on the beach. Joining Brian on this mission is his goofy assistant, Willard Thurm (Tom Villard).

Brian and Willard quickly manage to gather a group of potential models, all of whom will now compete for the chance to represent Saltare. Among the hopefuls:

Maria (Nia Peeples) is hoping that she will not only become the body of Saltare but that she’ll also be able to launch an acting career. Complicating matters is that she used to be married to Brian and he tends to get upset whenever an audition causes her to be late to a photoshoot.

Jade (Catherine Oxenberg) wants to be famous and rich and she’s already living a wealthy lifestyle. Everything about Jade suggests that she’s probably doing massive amounts of cocaine but, since this is a made-for-TV movie, we don’t get to see any of that. Instead, she ends up having a very unlikely romance with Willard.

Romella (Ally Walker) is Hungarian and speaks mangled English, which this film plays for cringey laughs. She befriends a male model named Scott (Paul Johansson) and schemes to make money.

Finally, Rosy (Cheryl Pollak) is an innocent and naïve waitress who, like all good Americans, has always dreamed of being a model. As she competes, she finds herself torn between two potential suitors. Chris Cutty (Billy Warlock, showing off the blue collar beach style that landed him the role of the troubled lifeguard on Baywatch) is working class but honest and he has big plans of opening up his own business. Hart Chadway (Jack Wagner) is slick and wealthy and older. Gee, I wonder who Rosy will end up with?

You know all the horror stories that you hear about the modeling industry? The sexual harassment? The eating disorders? The constant pressure to be perfect? The drug addiction and the depression and the stalkers and the cancel crowd watching your every move? Well, absolutely none of that is present in Swimsuit, which basically portrays modeling as perhaps the most earnest and wholesome industry to be found in the United States. Mrs, Allison wants the best for all of her models and Brian and Willard are complete gentlemen. You’ll be able to guess, from the minute she first appears onscreen, who is ultimately going to be the winner of the model search but, in the end, everyone gets something to be happy about. This is a film without any real conflict, beyond Rosy trying to decide whether to date a working class hunk or a slightly more wealthy hunk.

You may have guessed that there’s not a huge amount of depth to Swimsuit. It’s a movie about good looking people posing in swimsuits. It’s the type of film that you can play in the background while you do other things. Whenever someone starts singing a song on the soundtrack or you hear the sound of waves hitting the beach, you know that it’s time to look at the screen. No one in the film makes a huge impression, though Cyd Charisse is properly eloquent as Mrs. Allison and William Katt is likable as Brian. Tom Villard and Catherine Oxenberg make for an unexpectedly cute couple, which just goes to show that it’s never a bad idea to temper beauty with goofiness and vice versa. Otherwise, this is an inoffensive but slightly forgettable fantasy of what it’s like to be a model.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 11/6/22 — 11/12/22

Posted on November 12, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s my birthday and I’m up at Lake Texoma so, needless to say, I haven’t been watching much television. That said, we just got hit by the first cold front of the season and both freezing temperatures and rain are on the way so, for the upcoming week, I may not be doing much other than staying inside and watching old TV shows.

Anyway, here’s a few thoughts on what I watched this week:

The Amazing Race (Wednesday Night, CBS)

With Quinton and Mattie getting eliminated, we are now down to five teams! To be honest, I get the feeling that Aubrey and David are going to come out of nowhere and somehow manage to win the final leg. That said, as a Big Brother watcher, I am rooting for Claire and Derek and, as a dancer, I’m rooting for Luis and Michelle. I wrote about this week’s episode at the Reality TV Chat Blog!

Atlanta (Thursday Night, FX)

Atlanta came to a conclusion this week with an episode that somehow managed to wrap up the show’s themes while also feeling just like another episode of Atlanta. The show ended with a celebration of the relationships between the main characters and a hint that we might all just be in a sensory deprivation tank. It was a great ending for a good show.

California Dreams (YouTube)

I wrote about California Dreams here!

City Guys (Tubi)

I wrote about City Guys here!

Fantasy Island (Tubi)

I wrote about Fantasy Island here!

Ghosts (Thursday Night, CBS)

Poor Pete! A trashy reality show called “Dumb Deaths” wanted to shoot an episode about his dumb death. Fortunately, a series of weird events led to them actually doing a show about the hippie’s death. Compared to the first season, the second season has been a bit uneven but last night’s episode did make me laugh.

Hell’s Kitchen (Thursday Night, FOX)

It seems like Trenton should have known better than to have his wedding reception at Hell’s Kitchen. Needless to say, things did not go well. Chef Ramsey kicked both teams out of the kitchen and then sent home two chefs. And really, the two teams were so incompetent that night that they left Chef Ramsey with no other option. I will never eat another scallop.

Law & Order (Thursday, Night, NBC)

Price and Mouron humiliated a prominent activist attorney in order to get a murder conviction. We knew the attorney was powerful because, in her office, there was a really photoshop of her standing next to Nancy Pelosi. I’ve finally gotten to the point where I kind of like Detective Cosgrove and Jeffrey Donavon’s performance has definitely improved over last season’s one-note characterization. That said, there’s still a self-righteousness to Price that just makes me want to throw something at the screen whenever he launched into one of his sermons.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here.

Mid-Term Coverage (All Week, All Over The Place)

Come on, Arizona …. HURRY UP! I swear, we knew who won in Texas on election night and this state is a hundred times bigger and more populated than Arizona and Nevada combined. If you really want to fight against the conspiracy theories, a good first step would be to not be totally incompetent at your job.

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

This week, Jeanine become the first member of the jury. That was not a shock at all. I wrote about this week’s episode at the Reality TV Chat Blog!

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 2.8 “High Plains Dreamer” and 2.9 “Bwa Ha Ha Means I Love You”

Posted on November 12, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Tony turns out to be a total coward while the Dreams attempt to record their first album.

But first, the opening credits. Again, because the post-Jenny opening credits for season two have not been uploaded to YouTube, you have to imagine Jennie Kwan in the place of Heidi Noelle Lenhart.

Episode 2.8 “High Plains Dreamer”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 30th, 1993)

Oh Good God.

Like all TNBC shows, California Dreams had its share of bad episodes. In fact, technically, you could argue that the majority of them were bad. It’s not like anyone was trying to win an Emmy for a writing or directing a show like Saved By The Bell, Hang Time, or California Dreams. Still, even the knowledge that we’re not exactly dealing with Friends or Seinfeld here, left me unprepared for the crappiness of High Plans Drifter.

High Plains Drifter is the worst episode of California Dreams that I have seen so far. At the movies, Tony is threatened by a bully. Tony reacts by passing out. Seriously, he doesn’t even get knocked unconscious in a fight or anything like that. Someone gives him a mean look and he faints! And then, while he’s passed out, he imagines that he’s a drifter who becomes the sheriff of an old west town. Matt shows up as the town’s singing cowboy. Jake is the blacksmith who promised his wife, Tiffani, that he would never pick up a gun. Sly is the rich ne’er-do-well who owns the town. Sam runs the town’s dancehall, which is obviously meant to be a brothel.

One gets the feeling that the cast had fun with this episode, because everyone got to wear a costume and speak with an exaggerated Southwestern accent. But, for the most part, the humor is painfully corny (even by the standards of California Dreams) and the cast’s overly theatrical performances quickly wear out their welcome.

Let’s move on!

Episode 2.9 “Bwa Ha Ha Means I Love You”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 6th, 1993)

Jake and Tiffani’s seven-week anniversary is coming up and cash-poor Jake hasn’t even bought her a present yet! It looks like it’s time for to Jake to set aside both his pride and his leather jacket and take a job at Maniac Music. Jake puts on a tie and a red vest and soon, he’s the one handing out flyers and saying, “Welcome to — Bwa ha ha! — Maniac Music!”

Unfortunately, only Tony knows that Jake has taken a job. When the other Dreams — and Tiffani — begin to wonder why Jake appears to be sneaking around, Jake’s fumbling attempts to answer their questions leads to Sam deciding that Jake must be cheating on Tiffani. And, of course, Tiffani believes it because …. well, who knows? This is another one of those annoying episodes where a lot of conflict could have been avoided by people just not being stupid.

Meanwhile, the Dreams record their first album! And hey, it only takes an hour or two! They perform in Matt’s garage and Sly hits record on the big tape recorder. They don’t even need a producer or a mixing board or anything else like that. Sly takes the tape and heads down to Maniac Music. When he discovers that Jake is working there, Sly convinces him to pressure the store manager into carrying the tape.

The members of the Dreams hear that their album is for sale at Maniac Music so they head down there. Not only do they discover that Jake has a job at the store but they also discover that all of the tapes are blank! Sly screwed up the recording but why would the store manager agree to stock the tapes without checking to make sure that there was actually something on them? Meanwhile, Tiffani is so mad that Jake lied to her that she refuses to speak to him. Jake angrily quits his job.

Fortunately, all it takes for Jake to get back together with Tiffani is one impassion speech at Sharky’s. Plus, the Dreams record their performance so I guess they’ll survive the whole blank tape fiasco. Yay.

This was an incredibly busy episode. In fact, it was a bit too busy. Nothing anyone did made sense. Sly was somehow allowed to remain the manager of the Dreams despite screwing up their big break. Jake told increasingly elaborate lies to hide from Tiffani the fact that he had a job even though Tiffani has consistently been the only Dream who probably wouldn’t have made fun of him for having to wear a dorky vest. This was an annoying episode but it was still a hundred times better than the old west episode so it had that going for it.

Seriously, that old west episode was bad!

Retro Television Review: One World 2.8 “Treasure of the Sierra Lotto” and 2.9 “A Walk On The Side”

Posted on November 11, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing One World, which ran on NBC from 1998 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

The Cast of One World

Are we still living in One World? Let’s find out….

Episode 2.8 “Treasure of the Sierra Lotto”

(dir by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on November 6th, 1999)

After the Blake kids pool their resources and buy a lottery ticket, they agree that, if they win, they’ll give the money to the poor. Guess what happens? They don’t win the big jackpot but they do win $50,000! Suddenly, no one other than Jane feels like giving the money to the poor. Jane gets so frustrated with everyone’s greed that she announces that she doesn’t want any of the money and….

Uhmmm, when did Jane become an activist? Seriously, Jane has spent a season and a half being self-centered and greedy but suddenly, she’s obsessed with giving money to charity. The only person who is willing to stand with Jane is St. Neal, who refused to contribute any money to the lottery pool to begin with. So, why exactly is he even allowed to have an opinion?

(At least Neal has been annoyingly self-righteous since the first episode. Jane apparently developed an entirely new personality from out of nowhere.)

While all of this stupidity is going on, Dave is offered a contract to pitch in Japan! Will Dave abandon his chance to make a career comeback for his annoying foster children? Of course he will! What a chump. Maybe if Dave had spent a few months in Japan and made some money, his adopted children wouldn’t have to play the lottery just to have enough money to eat. Ever think about that, Dave!?

Anyway, Jane steals the lottery ticket and uses the money to start a free lunch program at the “hottest under-21 club in Miami,” The Warehouse! It’s amazing that it only took Jane a day start a free lunch program and she was somehow able to do it all without any other members of the family noticing. (Marci is assistant manager at the Warehouse so you would think someone would have mentioned it to her.) Anyway, the Blakes forgive Jane for stealing the money. St. Neal looks around the Warehouse says, “This soup kitchen looks a little understaffed.” Everyone pitches in to help and…

God, I hated this sanctimonious, painfully unrealistic episode. If you give a bunch of teenagers $50,000, there’s a lot that is going to happen but none of it is going to involve opening up a soup kitchen. Let’s move on.

Episode 2.9 “A Walk On The Wild Side”

(dir by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on November 13th, 1999)

Jane’s old friend from the streets, Lori (Joanna Canton), shows up and stays with the Blakes for a night. Lori tells Jane that her foster family is totally lame and Sui, Marci, and Cray prove her right by convincing themselves that St. Neal is actually a serial killer known as the “Miami Mangler.”

Eventually, Lori tries to convince Jane to rob The Warehouse but, when Jane says that she can’t steal from the place that employs her family, Lori accuses Jane of being a sell-out. Jane makes plans to run away from home but Ben talks her out of it. Meanwhile, Neal is revealed to not be the Miami Mangler but instead to be an aspiring magician. Neal does a really simple magic trick and the studio audience goes crazy.

This was a weird episode. The whole thing about Jane being tempted to “walk on a wild side” seemed like it was taken from an entirely different episode from all the stuff about the Blakes thinking that Neal was a murderer. Jane and Lori broke into The Warehouse after it closed. A scene later, Neal invited Marci, Sui, and Cray to come see him at the Warehouse, again after it closed. Why is this family always hanging out at The Warehouse after it closes? It all made little sense. Jane should have gone to Chicago with Lori.

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 2.9 “Big Brother” and 2.10 “Over the Speed Limit”

Posted on November 10, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Let’s return to Manny High, with the neat guys who are smart and streetwise!

Episode 2.9 “Big Brothers”

(Directed by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 7th, 1998)

It turns out that the students at Manny High are required to take on “community service projects!” I mean, it’s not bad enough that they already have to deal with bullies, drug dealers, and gun violence. They also have to do give back to the community. While Dawn signs up to spend time with a grouchy old man, Jamal and Chris are assigned to be big brothers to a 10 year-old delinquent named Ernesto.

Ernesto, incidentally, is played by Brandon Baker who would later go on to play Cray on One World. On One World, Cray was a fairly annoying character but that had less to do with Baker’s performance and more to do with the fact that he always got the worst lines of every episode. While the scripts for City Guys were often full of cringey dialogue, they were still marginally better than the scripts for One World and that works to Baker’s advantage. He’s actually not bad Ernesto.

Of course, Jamal and Chris totally screw up being big brothers. Is there nothing that those two didn’t screw up? However, eventually, they realize that Ernesto is an aspiring artist. Meanwhile, Dawn’s old man is former architect. The three of them decide to have Ernesto hang out with the old man. Problem solved!

Meanwhile, L-Train is somehow assigned to be a teacher’s assistant for Driver’s Ed. L-Train turns out to be a harsh and demanding teacher but it turns out that it was all for the best as everyone passes, including Al and Cassidy! Yay! Everything works out for everyone! That’s what happens when you roll with the city guys. As improbable as it may be that L-Train would end up teaching a class, the episode does give Steven Daniel a chance to show once again that he probably had the best comedic timing of the entire cast.

Episode 2.10 “Over The Speed Limit”

(Directed by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 14th, 1998)

Cassidy gets hooked on speed! Well, it’s not really speed. It’s diet pills that also provide a burst of energy but they also lead to Cassidy missing class and generally overacting and …. what? Yes, you are correct. This is indeed the same basic plot as the I’m So Excited! episode of Saved By The Bell. Cassidy says that she needs the pills because she’s both starring in a play and going to school. Of course, she ends up having a speed-induced meltdown during the premiere of the play. It was, needless to say, totally unrealistic.

Meanwhile, Al and L-Train got a radio show of their own and started to become more popular than Chris and Jamal. However, Al and L-Train’s egos got the better of them, allowing Chris and Jamal to continue to dominate the airwaves or whatever the Hell it is that they’re supposed to be doing in the school radio station. To be honest, I’ve never quite understood how the whole radio station thing works. I mean, are they hosting the show during class time or are they showing up at school super early in the morning so that they can entertain everyone before the bell rings? Or are they hosting their show while everyone else is eating lunch? Add to that, it seems like Al and L-Train had a point. Why should Chris and Jamal be the only people hosting a radio show?

Perhaps that question will be answered next week. Perhaps not. We’ll see!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.10 “Dear Beverly/The Strike/Special Deliver”

Posted on November 9, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come aboard! We’re expecting you!

Episode 10.10 “Dear Beverly/The Strike/Special Delivery”

(directed by Allen Baron, originally aired December 3rd, 1977)

Tonight’s voyage is all about misunderstandings!

For example, Beverly Blanchard (Eva Gabor) is an advice columnist who has built a career out of helping people work their way through misunderstandings. When she boards the Love Boat, she is swarmed by fans who all want her advice. She even leads a little seminar by the pool, in which she asks people if they have any problems that she can help with. Unfortunately, what she doesn’t understand is that her husband, Russ, is feeling neglected. Usually, I would say that Russ should stop feeling sorry for himself but Russ is played Leslie Nielsen, who is so superlikable in his stiffly earnest way that it’s hard not to have some sympathy for him. When Beverly finds out that Russ has been spending time with another passenger (Stephanie Blackmore), she writes a column in which she announces her retirement so that she can give Russ the attention he deserves. Personally, I would think a better column would be about why husbands shouldn’t cheat on their wives, especially with someone who they’ve known for less than 24 hours.

Speaking of cheaters, Jeff Smith (Robert Urich) cheated on his wife, Gail (Pamela Franklin), and now they’re separated. When Jeff boards the ship, he tries to pursue a romance with Julie but he quickly admits that he’s still hung up on his wife. What Jeff doesn’t know is that Gail is also on the ship and she’s 9 months pregnant! Now, considering that this is The Love Boat, it probably will not surprise you to learn that Gail goes into labor while on the boat and it’s up to Doc and Jeff to deliver the baby while the rest of the crew waits outside. Fortunately, the baby makes it and Jeff and Gail get back together. But what about Jeff cheating on Gail? Well, Gail takes responsibility for that, saying that she drove him to it. I was expecting at least one member of the crew to tell her that Jeff was responsible for his own decisions but instead, everyone nodded alone. Like, what the Hell?

Meanwhile, Captain Stubing was upset to learn that Chef Antonio Borga (Al Molinaro) was going to be in charge of the ship’s kitchen for the cruise. Apparently, there was bad blood between the two. When Borga refused to work, Stubing attempted to prepare dinner himself. The results were disastrous but the Chef respected the Captain for trying. And perhaps Chef Borga realized that Captain Stubing could probably get him fired for insubordination. Well, the important thing is that everyone came to an agreement and people got to eat.

This was a weird episode. The Chef storyline seemed like filler. The other two stories both featured women making excuses for cheating husbands. If this episode wanted to remind me that The Love Boat is very much a show of the 70s, it succeeded. This episode had a lot of boat but not a lot of love.

Hopefully, next week’s cruise will be a bit less problematic.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 1.9 “Trouble My Lovely/The Common Man”

Posted on November 8, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Episode 1.9 “Trouble, My Lovely/The Common Man”

(Directed by Cliff Bole, originally aired on April 1st, 1978)

This week’s episode of Fantasy Island opens, as most of them do, with Mr. Roarke sharing a few words with Tattoo before they leave to meet the plane. This week, Roarke is surprised to find that Tattoo wearing a turban. Tattoo has decided that there is money to be made in being a phony mind reader.

Roarke shakes his head dismissively and then it’s off to meet the latest visitors to Fantasy Island. Unfortunately, the fantasies that follow are so boring that you’ll find yourself wishing that Roarke had spent more time talking to Tattoo.

Don Knotts plays a Stanley Schecktler, a claims adjustor who dreams of being a hard-boiled private investigator. He gets his wish and soon finds himself in a noirish version of Los Angeles. Stanley is hired by Ivy Chandler (Lynda Day George) to investigate the man who is blackmailing her daughter, Peggy (Pamela Jean Bryant). Like all good detectives, Stanley narrates the story.

Eventually, Stanley finds himself investigating an actual murder! Mr. Roarke and Tattoo shows up to inform Stanley that his fantasy is potentially deadly. They offer to refund his money. (Tattoo says that he rarely ever refunds money so I guess Tattoo is the Island’s business manager. I know that’s been mentioned in a few previous episodes but I still find it hard to believe, considering how little respect Roarke seems to have for Tattoo.) Stanley, however, is determined to solve the murder. This leads to Tattoo, who has switched his turban for a fedora, giving Stanley one important piece of advice:

This fantasy had potential. What film lover hasn’t fantasized about being a character in a film noir? Unfortunately, the execution was lacking, with the majority of the comedic lines falling flat. Don Knotts has a few funny moments as the detective but the story itself never finds the right balance between comedy and noir.

That said, at least there was an unexpected twist to the detective fantasy. The show’s other fantasy was not only lame but also kind of annoying. Bernie Kopell, who was so likable as Doc Bricker on The Love Boat, is far less likable as a wimpy family man who comes to Fantasy Island with one request. He wants Mr. Roarke to be a terrible host so that he can stand up to him and win the respect of his family. Seriously, that’s the entire fantasy!

Sorry, dude, but you deserve to get treated like a schmo for having pay thousands of dollar just to get your family to look up to you. This guy spent a lot of money to have a fantasy on Fantasy Island that he could get for free just by taking his family out to Denny’s and demanding to see the manager. Seriously, this whole fantasy was a bit pointless but at least Tattoo got to try out his mind reading tricks when he and Mr. Roarke came across the Kopell sitting at the bar.

Oh well! Not every fantasy can be a winner. Hopefully, next week will be better.

An Election Day Blast From The Past: Jerry Springer Isn’t Afraid Of The Truth

Posted on November 8, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today, we have a special election day blast from the past!

In 1982 (and not 1980, regardless of what the title of the YouTube video says), former Cincinnati Mayor Jerry Springer entered the race for governor of Ohio. He was one of three major candidates to enter the Democrat primary. During the campaign, Springer cut this memorable commercial in which he let voters know that, a few years earlier, he “spent some time with a woman (he) shouldn’t have” and that he “paid her with a check.”

Despite Jerry’s claim that “the nomination is finally within grasp,” he came in a distant third. Of course, if Springer had won that election, America would never have had the Jerry Springer Show or any of the shows, like Maury, that followed its example. So, Ohio, it’s all on you. Elections have consequences.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 2.5 “War of the Roses” and 2.6 “Short Cuts”

Posted on November 7, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

The season continues!

Episode 2.5 “War of the Roses”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 5th, 1996)

Mary Beth (Megan Parlen) proves once again that she is the coolest girl at Deering High by painting the boy’s locker room pink without asking them. Vince (Michael Sullivan) freaks out about the pink (actually, it’s salmon) and leaves Mary Beth an angry note. Mary Beth gets angry about the note and hires a muscle-bound dude to threaten Vince in front of his friends. Vince tries to get Mary Beth to eat a poisoned chili dog. Eventually, Mary Beth somehow changes Vince’s grades to make it appear the Vince is ineligible to play basketball while Vince STEALS COACH FULLER’S WALLET and tries to frame Mary Beth.

Like, seriously, what the Hell?

It all leads to a really weird scene in which a mock trial is held to determine whether or not Mary Beth and Vince should be barred from being involved in basketball. Finally, Mary Beth acknowledges that she shouldn’t have repainted the locker room without talking to anyone (how exactly did Mary Beth repaint the locker room without anyone noticing?) and Vince admits that his note was rude. Everything works out.

Meanwhile, in the B-plot, Julie again proves herself to be the world’s worst girlfriend by getting angry at Josh for trying to throw her a surprise birthday party. This whole Julie/Josh subplot felt like it belonged in a first season episode but it did lead to Mary Beth smashing a birthday cake in Julie’s face, which was kind of satisfying considering how whiny Julie was in this episode. (“This is why I hate surprise parties!” Julie yells.)

This was …. well, look, it was pretty dumb. But Megan Parlen was a good enough comedic actress to save her storyline. And personally, I’m on her side as far as the locker room is concerned. That shade of pink really was pretty.

Episode 2.6 “Short Cuts”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 12th, 1996)

Wow, Vince sure is a screw-up. He spent the previous episode trying to destroy Mary Beth’s life. This episode, he starts taking steroids. Of course, this leads to him getting acne and roid rages but it also helps him win a few basketball games so …. well, let’s just say that everyone is quick to jump on Vince’s back for taking drugs but no one suggests giving back any of their victories.

Vince is using drugs because he wants to attend a basketball clinic with Coach Fuller and a short basketball player named Muggsy. (I went on Wikipedia and discovered that Muggsy actually was a real basketball player, even though he was shorter than me! That’s kind of neat!) At the start of the show, Fuller announces that only Julie and Josh qualify for the clinic because, in the world of Hang Time, Julie and whoever she’s dating at the time are the only people who can actually play well. Once Vince starts taking the steroids and having rages, he qualifies for the clinic but he is just as quickly disqualified because of his drug use. Fortunately, Muggsy is there to tell him to stop being a whiny baby and to stay off the pills.

In the B-plot, Danny directs a really crappy sci-fi film. Unfortunately, he also accidentally films Vince with his dealer so Vince destroys the tape. Damn, Vince!

This episode was a reworking of the episode of California Dreams in which Tiffani got hooked on steroids and the episode of Saved By The Bell where Zach needed to raise money to replace the school’s video camera. It was predictable but the cast did a fairly good job. If nothing else, this episode showed that Reggie Theus improved quite a bit as an actor between seasons 1 and 2. And he didn’t need steroids to do it! Let that be a lesson to all.

Retro Television Reviews: The Seduction of Gina (dir by Jerrold Freedman)

Posted on November 6, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Gina (played by Valerie Bertinelli) is bored.

She’s a 20 year-old newlywed who spends her days going to college and her nights sitting in a tiny apartment and waiting for her husband, David (Fredric Lehne), to come home. David is an intern at a hospital. He works the nightshift and, as a result, he’s usually exhausted and not particularly communicative. Unlike her husband, Gina comes from a wealthy family and she’s due to inherit a good deal of money as soon as she turns 21. However, David stubbornly refuses to use any of Gina’s money to make either of their lives better. He gets angry when Gina even mentions the possibility. He’s prepared to spend the next ten years living in a crummy apartment and working terrible hours. Once he establishes himself as a doctor, he says that he and Gina can start to think about starting a family. Are you getting the feeling that David has control issues? Because that’s definitely the feeling that I got from him.

Bored and frustrated, Gina turns to gambling. Who can blame her? Not only is it a way to make some money and bring some excitement into her life but it’s also something that she’s really good at! She starts out just putting bets on horse races. (The owner of a nearby bodega is also a bookie.) She uses the money to buy a new television set, which David totally freaks out about. Soon, Gina is sneaking off to Lake Tahoe. While David works at the hospital, Gina hits the blackjack table and spins the roulette wheel. She even attracts the eye of Keith Sindell (Michael Brandon), a handsome lawyer who loans her money and obviously has an interest in her that goes beyond card games. Every morning, she jumps in her car and rushes back to San Francisco, arriving at her apartment before David gets home and lying to David about what she’s been doing all night.

It starts out well but this wouldn’t be a TV movie if there wasn’t a bit of drama. Unfortunately, Gina’s luck starts to change and she soon finds herself in debt. The owner of that bodega is a lot less nice when he’s demanding his money. And Keith might be willing to cheat on his wife with her but he still expects her to pay back the money that he’s given her. The world of gambling turns out to be harsh and unforgiving. Gina is forced to find ways to get the money. If that means lying to her husband, her father (played by Ed Lauter), and her accountant, so be it. She might even have to — gasp! — get a job as a cocktail waitress!

It’s obvious from the start that Gina is going to get into trouble, or at least it’s obvious to everyone but Gina. And really, isn’t that the way life is sometimes? Usually, the only person who can’t see the walls closing in is the person who is about to get crushed. The Seduction of Gina is melodramatic and predictable but Valerie Bertinelli is likable in the role of Gina and the scenes in casino are enjoyably gaudy and a little bit sordid. It’s an entertaining movie, a Lifetime film that came out before Lifetime. The film’s message is not to gamble but The Seduction of Gina makes winning look like so much fun that it probably inspired more people to hit the casinos than to stay at home and balance the checkbook. In the classic DeMille fashion, this film offers both sin and a hint of salvation but it understands that sin is more entertaining to watch.