Horror On TV: The Hitchhiker 5.17 “Coach” (dir by Eric Till)


In tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, a track coach (Charles Haid) is freaking out over the prospect of his son (Jonathan Crombie) breaking his 25 year-old track record.  The coach ends up taking things to extreme to try to preserve his record.

This episode features a ferocious performance from Charles Haid, who plays the coach as every high school student’s worst nightmare.  This episode has a lot to say about both the strange rituals of athletic competitiveness and how some people are so scared of getting old that they’ll go to any extreme to hold on to their accomplishments of youth.

The episode aired on September 30th, 1989.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.19 “The Swinger/Terrors of the Mind”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, Fantasy Island swings!

Episode 3.19 “The Swinger/Terrors of the Mind”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on February 9th, 1980)

This week, we have one fun fantasy and one fantasy that’s a bit less interesting.

The less interesting fantasy features Herman Dodge (Howard Morris), a middle-aged man who is upset because he feels that he was too old to take part in the sexual revolution of the 60s and 70s.  Having just gotten a divorce from Maxine (Anne Francis), Herman comes to the Island with his best friend, Stan (Jack Carter).  Herman wants to be a swinger so Mr. Roarke makes him look a few years younger and then he takes him to the “Fantasy Island Mariana, where all the swingers hang out.”

Looks like a happening place!

Herman is soon the most popular guy at the marina and he even has a new girlfriend named Peggy (Judy Landers).  Unfortunately, Duke (Lou Richards) and his friend, Hot Dog (Ed Ruffalo), are threatened by Herman’s sudden popularity.  Herman is challenged to various “water sports,” (yes, I snickered) and Herman manages to hold his own but he’s not sure if he’ll be able to jump over a speedboat while on skis.  Fortunately, Maxine shows up on the Island and Herman realizes that he not only loves her but he also enjoys being a part of the older, more conservative generation.

It’s a typical Fantasy Island fantasy, designed to appeal to the older viewers who weren’t sure what was going on with those wild and crazy kids.  It was okay but it wasn’t particularly interesting.

Far more interesting was the other fantasy, in which Sharon Sanders (Lisa Hartman) comes to the Island from a small town and asks to be given the chance to see the future.  Mr. Roarke gives her a diamond ring.  When she concentrates on the diamond, she gets a vision of the future.  Her first vision is of Martin Ward (Frankie Avalon) getting run over by a drunk driver.  Sharon saves Martin’s life and the two of them fall in love.  The Fantasy Island casino makes one of its rare appearances as Sharon uses the ring to win a lot of money at Roulette.  But then Sharon sees a vision of an older man (Stephen McNally) strangling her and the fantasy is no longer fun.

Sharon wants to leave the Island and end her fantasy.  Mr. Roarke replies that he cannot cancel a fantasy once it has begun, despite the fact that he’s done or offered to do that many times in the past for other guests.  (I sometimes suspect that Mr. Roarke makes things up as he goes along.)

Anyway, the older man turns out to be the owner of the casino.  He wants to murder Sharon because he can’t afford to pay her gambling winnings.  Fortunately, when he does attack Sharon, Martin pops up out of nowhere and saves her life.  Yay!

(So, I guess the casino is going to be closed now?  And I thought Mr. Roarke owned the casino.  Who knows?  The Island is a confusing place.)

Sharon, having learned that the world is a dangerous place, returns to her hometown with Martin.  Martin says they’re going to settle down together.  Mr. Roarke says that he hopes Sharon has learned a lesson about taking fate into her own hands and not worrying about what the future holds, which doesn’t make much sense considering that Sharon’s future would have included being murdered if she hadn’t worried about it.

Though the fantasy becomes less logical the more I think about it, it was still an enjoyable one.  Lisa Hartman and Frankie Avalon had a surprising amount of chemistry and the scene where the killer chased Sharon into a cemetery was well-done.  I’m just happy that Martin was there to save Sharon, as opposed to hanging out at the Fantasy Island Marina.

That’s where all the swingers hang out, you know.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Nightmare Café 1.3 “Fay & Ivy”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Nightmare Cafe, which ran on NBC from January to April of 1992.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Fay’s sister comes to visit!

Episode 1.3 “Fay & Ivy”

(Dir by Christopher Leitch, originally aired on March 13th, 1992)

The third episode of Nightmare Café opens with a young woman named Ivy (played by Molly Parker) coming to the big city with her boyfriend, Jesse (Peter Outerbridge).  Ivy is totally excited to be in the big city because she thinks that she’s going to finally track down her older sister.  Ivy’s sister left home ten years ago and Ivy isn’t even sure what she looks like.  However, for ten years straight, Ivy’s sister sent her letters about how great life in the city was.  The last of her sister’s letters invited Ivy to come out to the city herself.

Jesse is a bit less excited about the prospect of finding Ivy’s sister.  In fact, Jesse is a bit of a controlling jerk who “accidentally” drops one of the letters while he and Ivy are getting off the train.  Jesse is coming to the big city so that he can find new ways to make money, like robbing a convenience store while the clueless Ivy waits outside.

As for the dropped letter, it’s picked up by Robert Englund’s Blackie, who reads the letter, has a good laugh, and then speaks straight to the audience.  Blackie informs us that Ivy’s sister is Fay and that Fay probably doesn’t even remember inviting Ivy to come see her.

As Blackie puts it: “I wonder if she remembers issuing this invitation.  She’d just as soon forget.  You suppose the café will let her forget?  I don’t.”

And, sure enough, Ivy and Jesse eventually end up in the Nightmare Café. were Fay is the waitress and Frank is the cook.  Fay, who earlier was saying that she felt like there was still some things in her former life that she needed to take care of, is shocked to see Ivy.  For her part, Ivy doesn’t recognize Fay.  And, for Jesse’s part, he gets upset when Fay starts asking Ivy too many questions about her life back home.  Jesse grabs Ivy and the two of them leave the café.

Frank leaves the café to search for Ivy and Jesse, saying that he’s getting bored with being stuck in the building.  (In a mildly amusing subplot, the café actually gets offended by Frank’s comments and requires Frank to apologize before he’s allowed to later reenter the building.)  Ivy and Jesse, meanwhile, end up in a tattoo parlor where Jesse gets a tattoo from none other than Blackie himself.  (Robert Englund appears to be having a ball playing a tattoo artist.)

As for Fay, she uses the cafe’s phone to call her mother.  When Fay identifies herself, her mother (Penny Fuller) refuses to believe that Fay is calling.  Fay, realizing that her mother has never forgiven her for leaving home, tells her mom that Ivy is in the city and that she’s in trouble.  Fay then has what appears to be a café-inspired hallucination in which she finds herself talking to her mother face-to-face and the two of them discuss their strained relationship.  It’s a touching scene, well-played by Penny Fuller and Lindsay Frost.

In the end, everyone ends up back at the café.  Jesse returns to the café to try to rob it and he drags Ivy (who now knows that Fay is her sister) with her.  Frank returns to the café with Ivy’s mother, who says that she came to the city after having a weird dream in which Fay called her to tell her that Ivy was in trouble.  Finally, Blackie shows up so that he can zap Jesse into the back of a police car.

With Jesse gone, Fay, Ivy, and their mother have a cup of coffee.  While declining to mention that she’s actually dead, Fay does say that it’s a bit too late for her to fix her relationship with her mother.  But there’s still time for her mom and Ivy to talk and get to know each other.  Ivy and her mom, for their part, both think that Fay left home and disappeared because she works for the federal government.

This was kind of a sad episode, really.  Fay wants to heal her relationship with both her mother and her sister but, in the end, she’s forced to accept that she’s dead and they’re not.  Fay and Frank can help people live better lives but their own lives are pretty much over and they’re going to spend an eternity in the Nightmare Café.

I liked this episode, which was considerably more straight-forward in its storytelling approach than the previous two.  What it lack in surreal imagery, it made up for in genuine emotion.

Next week, the café helps a dying detective sold one last murder!

Horror on TV: The Hitchhiker 5.16 “Hootch” (dir by Leon Marr)


Tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker depicts what happens with a greedy woman (Stephanie Zimbalist) attempts to force her Vietnam vet brother out of the house that has been his only sanctuary from all the troubles of the world.  Needless to say, things do not go well.

This episode originally aired on September 16th, 1989.

The Phillies Win Game One Of The NLCS!


Obviously, I’m more concerned with who is going to win the ALCS but still, I want to congratulate the Phillies on winning Game 1 of the NLCS and taking the first step to making my dream of a Rangers/Phillies World Series come true!  The Phillies beat the Diamondbacks by a score of 3-5.

Congratulations, Phillies!  One of the things that I love about baseball is that the season lasts almost the entire year and no one’s journey to the playoffs is easy or guaranteed.  Baseball makes you work for it.  I know that all of the players playing in both league’s championship series have to be so excited right now and I’m happy for all of them!

Go Rangers!

The Rangers Win Game Two of the ALCS!


GO RANGERS!

That was a scary game.  The Rangers started out by getting four hits during the first inning but the Astros kept chipping away at that lead and showing why you can never count them out.  The Rangers held on, though, and won by a score of 5-4!

We’re now 2-0 in the ALCS!  I’m so proud of my team!

As for the NLCS tonight, I can’t stand the Phillies so I hope they win so my Rangers can beat them in the World Series!  But even if the Diamondbacks win, I’ll be celebrating tonight!

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.6 “Calderone’s Return Part 2: Calderone’s Demise”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Crockett and Tubbs finally get their revenge on Calderone!

Episode 1.6 “Calderone’s Return Part 2: Calderone’s Demise”

(Dir by Paul Michael Glaser, originally aired on October 26th, 1984)

This episode of Miami Vice opens with Crockett and Tubbs interrogating an associate of the hitman who Calderone (Miguel Pinero) sent to kill Sonny during the previous episode.  Crockett and Tubbs yell at the man and basically threatened to beat the crap out of him unless he tells them where Calderone is hiding in the Bahamas.  They eventually get the information that they want but it’s hard not to compare their methods to the methods that the “bad” cops previously used to get a false confession from the Haitians in episode 4.

Of course, in this case, it’s personal for Crockett and Tubbs.  Calderone killed Tubbs’s brother.  Calderone’s assassin killed Lt. Rodriguez and nearly killed Sonny’s wife and son.  And besides, how could any viewer spend too much time worrying about the ethics of how they got their information when it leads to an extended sequence of Crockett and Tubbs stoically standing in one of Crockett’s speed boats as they race across the ocean to the Bahamas?

Miami Vice has often been described as being the ultimate example of style over substance and, while I think that’s an oversimplification because Miami Vice definitely had something to say about greed and the war on drugs, it is true that this episode proves just how many illogical plot developments an audience is willing to accept as long as the story is told with a certain amount of visual fliar.

Because, seriously, at no point does Crockett and Tubbs’s plan make any sense.

Basically, Crockett and Tubbs are planning to work undercover on the island so that they can get close to Calderone.  Here’s the thing, though — Calderone has seen both Crockett and Tubbs so it’s not like he’s not going to recognize them if he spots them.  (Calderone even sent a hitman to kill Crockett.)  As well, since neither Calderone nor anyone in his entourage actually met the hitman, Crockett is planning on pretending to be the hitman and demanding more money for his services.  However, the hitman is from Argentina and there’s absolutely nothing about Don Johnson (or Sonny Crockett) that suggests that he could be from anywhere in South America.  Finally, one has to be willing to accept that Calderone no longer has any contacts in Miami who could call him up and say, “Hey, your hitman’s dead and Sonny Crockett  is still alive.”

Tubbs, meanwhile, pretends to be an art gallery owner so he can approach Angelina (Phanie Napoli), the artist who he believes to be Calderone’s mistress.  It’s not until after Tubbs has slept with her that he discovers that she is actually Calderone’s daughter and she believes her father to be a legitimate businessman.  Despite having known her for only a day, Tubbs tells Crockett that he’s falling in love with her.

By that point, Calderone has already figured out that Sonny and Tubbs are on the island and they’ve already been through one exciting car chase.  Logic would suggest that Sonny and Tubbs should now leave the island but, instead, they decide to put on masks so that they can attend the carnival.  The masks, however, don’t do fool anyone as they’re both grabbed by Calderone’s men and taken to Calderone’s mansion where Calderone ends up getting gunned down while Angelina screams, “NOOOOOO!”  Needless to say, that’s pretty much the end of Angelina’s romance with Tubbs.

As I said, the plot doesn’t always make much sense.  The whole storyline is dependent on Tubbs, Crockett, and Calderone almost always choosing to make the most illogical choices.  Calderone could have easily killed Tubbs and Crockett at the carnival but, for some reason, he brought them to his home.  Tubbs and Crockett could have arrested Calderone for jumping bail and taken him back to Miami but, instead, they came up with an undercover plan that was doomed to failure.  It makes no sense but it’s so stylish that it doesn’t matter.  The slow motion shootouts, the car chases, the masks, the beautiful island scenery, the spacey comedic relief provided by Sam McMurray in the role of a stoned resort manager, all of that comes together so nicely that the plot ultimately doesn’t matter.  It’s pure style and both Johnson and Thomas are so charismatic as Crockett and Tubbs that they’re a pleasure to watch even when they’re doing stupid things.

Next week: Edward James Olmos arrives at Vice.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Degrassi Junior High 1.5 “The Great Race”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989!  The series can be streamed on YouTube!

This week, Degrassi goes there!

Episode 1.5 “The Great Race”

(Dir by Clarke Mackey, originally aired on February 15th, 1987)

Degrassi goes there!” was the catch phrase that was often used to describe Degrassi: The Next Generation because Degrassi had a reputation for being the show that would deal with the type of issues that other teen shows didn’t have the guts to take on.  Indeed, it’s generally agreed that Degrassi did, at the beginning, “go there.”  The general point of contention amongst fans is when Degrassi stopped going there and became too much of a soap opera for its own good.  A lot of fans will tell you that it was Season 10.  Personally, I think it was when the show moved to Netflix.  But no matter.  That’s something that we will get to far in the future.

This week’s episode of Degrassi Junior High proves that Degrassi was willing to go there before the cast members of the Next Generation had even been born.  This episode opens with Melanie (Sara Ballingall) worrying that her breasts aren’t developing as quickly as they should be and complaining that her mother refuses to allow her to wear a bra because she says that Melanie doesn’t need one.  When her friend, L.D. (Amanda Cook), secretly takes Melanie bra shopping, Melanie feels good about herself for exactly 12 hours before she goes to school and is immediately made fun of by Joey (Pat Mastoianni) and his idiot friends.  Myself, I had the opposite issue of Melanie when I was in middle school.  I developed before everyone else and I had to deal with stupid and hurtful comments about actually having breasts, not just from the boys and girls who had the excuse of being immature but also from adults who really should have known better.  Growing up is not easy.

Melanie has a crush on a classmate who is named Archie but who is known as …. OH MY GOD, IT’S SNAKE!  As any fan of Degrassi knows, Archibald “Snake” Simpson (Stefan Brogren) is destined to become one of the most important characters in the history of the franchise.  Though he starts out as just another student, Snake is destined to become a teacher at Degrassi, Emma Nelson’s stepfather, a cancer survivor, and eventually the school’s principal.  All of that is far in the future, of course.  In this episode, Snake is just a friendly and tall guy who wears a loud Hawaiian shirt and occasionally flashes an appealing smile.  In fact, Snake is not even friends with Joey or Wheels in this episode.  (That will change, with their friendship coming to define Degrassi for many people.)

Everyone in this episode is fascinated by Snake.  Yick and Arthur, who are worried that they’re not getting as tall as their classmates, decide to follow around the very tall Snake to see what he eats.  Meanwhile, Jason (Tyson Talbot), the captain of the soccer team, wants Snake to join the soccer team because he’s a good swimmer.

What?  Okay, allow me to explain….

Basically, when the totally sexist Jason makes an announcement asking people to come out and support the Boys’ Soccer Team, L.D. and Melanie demand to know why he didn’t mention the fact that the Girls’ Swim Team, of which they are both members, won their last swim meet.  Jason replies that no one cares about girls’ sports.  This leads to the swim team challenging the soccer team to a swimming competition.  Because Snake is a championship swimmer, Jason wants him to swim for the boys but Snake would have to join the soccer team to do so and, as Snake himself admits, he sucks at soccer.  (Awwwww!  That’s our Snake!  Always honest!  Except for that time he cheated on Spike but again, that’s far in the future….)

Anyway, Melanie is so tired of being made ridiculed that she’s not sure that she even wants to swim anymore.  But Snake encourages her to do so because she’s really good at swimming.  (Snake has realized that Jason just wanted him to join the soccer team so he could swim and being the most ethical student at Degrassi, Snake wants not part of that.)  Melanie shows up for the meet and the girls totally humiliate the boys.  YAY!  Plus, the girls’ team gets revenge on Joey by tossing him in the pool.  YAY AGAIN!

This was a good episode and a good example of Degrassi going there and handling a subject to which its viewers could relate with sensitivity.  Plus, after walking around in the background for the previous 4 episodes, Snake finally got to speak.  It’s just not Degrassi without Snake!

 

 

The Rangers Win Game One Of The ALCS!


The Rangers did it!

Sure, I would have liked to have won by more than a score of 2-0 but the important this is that the Rangers won the first game of ALCS!  They went into the game as underdogs to the Astros and they’re coming out as winners!  There’s still more games to go and the Astros should never be counted out but this is definitely a good way to get things started!

Go Rangers!

Horror on TV: The Hitchhiker 5.12 “Spinning Wheel” (dir by George Mihalka)


On tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, Patti D’Arbanville is perfectly cast Wendy, a performance artist who uses her disturbing nightmares for inspiration and who finds herself losing her grasp on reality.

The episode originally aired on August 5th, 1989.