Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, the Island plays hosts to both a bowling tournament and a circus reunion!
Episode 2.24 “Bowling/Command Performance”
(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on May 12th, 1979)
This week, after spotting the approaching plane, Tattoo attempts to show off the new rocket fuel he’s invented. Unfortunately, the fuel doesn’t work and the rocket doesn’t take off. I guess that’s actually a good thing, considering that there’s a plane flying over the island.
“Let’s greet our guests,” a visibly annoyed Roarke says.
This week, Fantasy Island is playing host to two big events. First, there’s the Fantasy Island Bowling Tournament, in which three of the world’s greatest bowlers will face off against Lou Fielding (Al Molinaro). Lou is not a bowling champion. In fact, he’s not even a very good bowler. I don’t know much about bowling but even I know that the goal is not to get the ball in the gutter. However, Lou’s fantasy is to win the championship. Mr. Roarke plants stories in the local press that Lou has been causing a stir on the European bowling circuit and, at the tournament, Lou discovers that strikes are all that he can roll. Unfortunately, Lou’s fantasy is due to end at midnight and, because of an electrical short, the championship game is delayed until the final morning. Can Lou get the three strikes that he needs, even though he no longer has the benefit of the Island’s magic?
While this is going on, Naomi Gittings (Joan Blondell) is hosting a reunion of all of the people who used to perform in her circus. That’s right …. the Island is crawling with acrobats, lion tamers, and clowns! There’s especially a lot of clowns. But I think most viewers will be more interested in Roddy McDowall, playing the role of a former tight-rope walker named Richard Simmons. Richard used to be on the best but then he lost his balance, fell off his rope, and smashed his leg. Now, he’s a drunk who walks with a limp and is forced to beg his old friends for money. When members of the circus start to get murdered, Richard is the natural suspect. But, as Mr. Roarke reveals, there’s more to this mystery than meets the eye….
I liked this episode. Both of the stories were entertaining and, after last week’s children’s episode, it was kind of nice to once again be dealing with adults. The bowling fantasy had the potential to be too silly for its own good but Al Molinaro and, in the role of his wife, Rue McClanahan played their roles with surprising conviction. The highlight of the episode was Roddy McDowall, giving a serious performance as poor Richard. All in all, this was a good trip to Fantasy Island.
Next week, the second season comes to an end with a second visit to …. ugh …. “the other side of the Island.”
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
Last week, the team was heading to the championship and then suddenly, they were taking a trip to New York. Let’s see if this week makes any more sense!
Episode 4.23 “Breaks of the Game”
(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 28th, 1998)
Remember how the team was in New York during the previous episode?
Well, now, they’re back in Indiana! And they’ve advanced in the championship tournament, making it to the finals! The only problem is that their best player has tested positive for steroids. When Hammer is told that he’s the only member of the team to have tested positive, he swears that it’s a mistake. He gets retested and fails a second time. Hammer swears that he is steroid free. Michael believes him. Silk and Rico think he’s lying and are angry at him for ruining the season. Julie doesn’t really care, she just wants to figure out how to win without Hammer.
Well, the team doesn’t win without Hammer. They come close, especially after they realize that the only reason Hammer tested positive was because of his allergy medication. But, for the first time in a few seasons, they miss that all-important final shot and, for once, it’s the other team that wins by one point.
Coach K tells them not to be too hard on themselves. He says that the true test of maturity is how you handle disappointment and bad breaks. It’s not a bad message, even though we all know Coach Fuller would have found a way to win that game.
Meanwhile, Kristy meets a painter who tells her that he’s obsessed with her red hair. (The same thing has happened to me more than once.) She poses for him but is shocked to discover that, even though she was dressed while posing, he still painted her naked. Julie, Mary Beth, and Kristy sneak into the art show and destroy the painting. Somehow, they don’t get arrested. Personally, I can’t laugh at people destroying paintings. Sadly, that’s pretty much the direction that our society is heading in.
Let’s give this episode credit for dealing with defeat. But seriously — don’t pose unless you’re willing to accept that the artist’s vision might be different from yours.
Episode 4.24 “Window of Opportunity”
(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 28th, 1998)
The team is in New York City and getting ready to celebrate Christmas! Wouldn’t they rather celebrate in Indiana with their families? And why are Kristy and Mary Beth there when they’re not actually members of the basketball team? I mean, the team won the trip.
Anyway, Mary Beth finds time, during her vacation, to work as an intern at a department store. She impresses the store owner by giving the teen department a makeover and, when her manager tries to steal the credit for her ideas, Mary Beth learns an important lesson about standing up for herself. An even better lesson to learn would be that vacations are not meant for work.
Speaking of work, Coach K is hired to work as a department stare Santa. He forced Michael, Rico, Hammer, and Silk to be his elves because why should any of them actually get to relax on their vacation? Coach K and the Elves are briefly mistaken for being a group of thieves and they end up in jail. But then they’re released because the real thieves were caught. Seriously, that’s the whole storyline.
Ugh. If I had wanted to watch an episode of City Guys, that’s what I would have done.
I didn’t watch much this week. For whatever reason, I really wasn’t in a television mood. Still, I did catch a few shows and here are my thoughts on them!
Barry (Sunday Night, HBO)
Monroe “The Raven” Fuches has his own compound. NoHo Hank is discovering that being a legitimate businessman still means doing a lot of illegal stuff. The FBI is now convinced that Cusineau was Barry’s accomplice. And Sally and John have been kidnapped. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit nervous about how all of this going to wrap up on Sunday night. I’m hoping for a happy ending but I don’t know if there is such a thing in the world of Barry.
Beavis and Butt-Head (Paramount Plus)
Oh no! Beavis and Butt-Head are dead! Well, actually, I’m sure they’ll find a way to survive being in that car that just got tossed into the car smasher thing. I mean, Old Beavis survived having one of his kidneys explode so it might just be that the boys are immortal and incapable of dying. That’s kind of a scary thought.
Black Bird (Apple TV+)
I finished up this excellent miniseries on Sunday. Paul Walter Hauser chilled me to the bone. Ray Liotta broke my heart.
Bubblegum Crisis (Night Flight Plus)
I watched the fourth episode of this anime on Saturday morning. It features a black car shoving a bunch of motorcyclists out of the way. That was actually kind of neat because everyone knows the frustration of getting stuck behind a motorcyclist (or, even worse, a freaking bicyclist) in heavy traffic.
Robin Givens talked to teenagers who felt that they had been let down by their mothers. Wait …. where’s Mother Love!?
Great Performances (Monday Morning, PBS)
Danai Gurira played the title role in a Shakespeare in the Pak production of Richard III. Gurira was certainly able to capture the character’s ruthless determination but there still wasn’t much depth to either her performance or the overall production.
Max Keller, union activist! The third episode of The Master was pretty silly and I wrote about it here!
The Office (Peacock)
“Hey there, Mr. Scott, what you gonna do? What you gonna do? Make our dreams come true!” Can you guess which episode of The Office I watched on Friday afternoon?
Red Dwarf (Monday Morning, PBS)
The long-running British science fiction comedy is now airing on my PBS station so I watched an episode on Monday. Apparently, the last Earthling in existence gave some false memories to his companion, a hologram. The hologram was disappointed to learn that his memories weren’t real. It was funny but it was also kind of sad, to be honest. It made me wonder what I would so if I woke up one day to discover that I was the last remaining person on Earth (or in space, as the case may be).
Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)
Another season of Survivor has come to a close and I am off the reality show beat until Big Brother returns in August. Yam Yam, to be honest, got on my last nerve because he was so whiny and petulant. He played a good enough game that he deserved the victory but still, I would have preferred to have seen either Carolyn or Carson take home the money. What was up with Carolyn getting zero votes? That sucked! You can read my thoughts on Survivor here!
Yes, Minister (Monday Morning, PBS)
This week, Jim Hacker caused a panic when he threatened to withhold honours from civil servants who did not reduce their budgets. Of course, no civil servant would ever willingly reduce their budget but what’s the point of being a civil servant without the honours? It was all very British but it was also universal. Bureaucrats love to be rewarded for not doing anything.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This is it. This is the last gig This is the end of California Dreams.
But first….
Episode 5.14 “The Fashion Man”
(Dir by Kevin Sullivan, originally aired on December 7th, 1996)
This episode opens with the Dreams performing at Lorena’s loft, except there’s something off. Everyone looks a year or two younger than they did in the previous episode. Sam is singing that old “Hey Baby” song that we haven’t heard since season 3. Sly is hitting on the girls at the Loft, despite the fact that he and Lorena were a couple the last time we saw them. Later, in the episode, Sam will go crazy over a model named Samson and Tony won’t even raise an eyebrow. And, of course, all of the Dreams are still going to high school despite the fact that we saw them graduate a few episodes earlier.
Yes, this is yet another case of NBC showing episodes out-of-order. In this case, The Fashion Man was filmed for the third season but, for whatever reason, it wasn’t aired until the end of the fifth season. The Fashion Man is silly and a bit derivative of Saved By The Bell and it feels very much like a third season episode. It would be a totally acceptable third season episode but seeing it at the end of the fifth season only serves to remind viewers of how much better most of the fifth season episodes were from the episodes that were made for earlier seasons.
Anyway, in this episode, Sly and the Dreams get conned by a fake modeling agency. The rest of the Dreams figure out that it’s all a scheme but Sly is so desperate that he gives the head of the agency five hundred dollars and ends up with a bunch of useless photographs as the only thing to show for the cost.
Poor Sly! Eventually he does figure things out but only after he spends an additional $250 to cover a fashion show at Sharky’s. The Dreams sabotage the show. They say that they’re doing it to help out Sly but I think they mostly just enjoy humiliating the poor dope. This episode is okay but a bit cartoonish. Let’s move on to …. THE LAST GIG!
Episode 5.15 “The Last Gig”
(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on December 14th, 1996)
Wipe away those tears. The Dreams are playing their last gig.
This is it. This is the final episode of California Dreams. Everyone has graduated from high school. Everyone is making plans for the future. Many will be going away to college. But Jake is determined to keep the band together. And there’s one last gig on the pier to play!
And wouldn’t you know it …. there’s a producer in the audience! He wants to sign Jake but Jake insists that the producer sign the entire band. The band, though, tells Jake that they are ready to move on and that this is his dream. Even though the producer eventually agrees to sign the entire band, the rest of the Dreams turn down the contract so that they can go off to college and start their lives. With the band’s encouragement, Jake eventually signs.
For the record:
Tiffani went to the University of Hawaii.
Sam moves to England to study physics at Oxford. She and Tony amicably break up. They lasted the longest of any couple on this show and it was interesting to watch their relationship develop.
Mark goes to Julliard to study music and specifically states that he will never have time to return to California. So, I guess he managed to take care of all that community service that he got for nearly killing Tara Reid in the Graduation episode.
Lorena and Sly go to Pacific University together.
And Jake, presumably, goes on to become your grandparent’s favorite rock star.
You know who isn’t mentioned? Matt Garrison, the founder of the band! Oh well. Hopefully, things worked out well for him and Jenny, wherever they are.
Consider just how dismissive I was of this show when I started writing these reviews, I have to say that no one is more surprised than I am about how genuinely touched and moved I was by the final episode. Both the show and its cast really came into their own during the fifth season and it was hard not to feel a bit emotional as they said their final goodbyes to each other. The show ended on a mature and realistic note. Nothing lasts forever, to quote Hang Time‘s Coach Fuller.
Well, that’s it for California Dreams. Next week, a new show will be reviewed in this slot. But I’ll never forget surf dudes with attitude….
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984. The show can be found on Tubi!
This week, The Master stands up for the working man!
Episode 1.3 “State of the Union”
(Dir by Alan Myerson, originally aired on February 3rd, 1984)
“Hi, I’m Max Keller and this is how I start my morning.”
So begins yet another episode of The Master! This time, McAllister (Lee Van Cleef) is forcing Max (Timothy Van Patten) to start his day by running. McAllister says that it’s a part of Max’s ninja training but I think it’s more a case of McAllister just seeing how many stupid things he can force Max to do before Max says, “Enough!”
This week finds Max and McAllister in Clearwater, California. In order to make a little money, Max enters a dirt bike race. It turns out that Max is very well-known on the dirt bike circuit and he even runs into an old friend named Hog (Mickey Jones) at the race. Hog only shows up for a few minutes. He shakes Max’s hand, jokes about the fact that Max is traveling with a hamster and a weird old man, and then he pretty much disappears from the episode.
McAllister watches the race while stroking Max’s pet hamster.
Try to get that image out of your head.
Anyway, Max does not win the race. Instead, the race is won by Carrie Brown (Crystal Bernard). At the finish line, Carrie is nearly run over by one her competitors, Chad Webster (Cotter Smith). Chad is the son of the owner of the local cannery. It turns out that Carrie also works at the cannery. Max takes an immediate liking to Carrie and decides that he should also get a job at the cannery.
McAllister points out that Carrie is attractive. Max replies, “Does your ninja training make you immune to such things?” McAllister shrugs. It’s kind of an odd scene.
Anyway, at the cannery, Max quickly learns that there’s more to Carrie than just 80s hair and dirt bike racing. Carrie is also a union organizer! She’s carrying on her late brother’s dream of unionizing the cannery. This largely means handing out flyers and encouraging people to go to a meeting.
How bad are things at the cannery? They’re so bad that an older worker gets crushed by a palette. Fortunately, McAllister and Max show up just in time to help out. Through the use of one of his magic throwing ticks, McAllister is able to send the palette crashing into the ocean. While Max proceeds to flirt with Carrie, attentive viewers will see the worker — who is now probably crippled for life — being carried away in the background. Despite having saved the guy’s life, neither Max nor McAllister ever ask about him again.
Anyway, you know where all this is heading. Carrie wants to unionize the workers. Chad and his buddies try to intimidate the workers into not joining the union. At a meeting at the local church, Max gives a speech about how the workers have to get organized. There are plenty of fights and car chases and yet another bar brawl. That Max just can’t say out of trouble!
McAllister also joins Max on the dirt bike so that he can throw ninja stars at the bad guys. This leads to some pretty bad rear projection shots.
In the end, Chad is revealed to have murdered Carrie’s brother. The cannery votes to unionize and Max and McAllister promptly leave town because even they know better than to work at a union shop. Though it’s not specifically stated, I imagine that the cannery probably closed two months and Carrie ended up following in the lead footsteps of Jimmy Hoffa.
This episode was a bit silly, largely because neither perky Crystal Bernard nor perpetually mush-mouth Tim Van Patten were believable as firebrand labor activists. Lee Van Cleef seemed to be largely bored with the whole thing. Fortunately, next week’s episode features a guest appearance from George Lazenby so maybe that will liven things up on The Master.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
Today, we say goodbye to season 4!
Episode 4.26 “Blast From The Past”
(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on February 24th, 2001)
The final episode of season 4 opens with the City Guys still at the Hamptons. (Wow, I guess this must be a really long weekend or something.) Chris is trying to plan “this one month anniversary surprise for Cassidy” and, for some reason, he thinks that it’s a good idea to ask Jamal and L-Train for advice. “Come on, dawg,” the very white Chris says, “a brother needs some advice here.”
“First piece of advice,” Jamal says, “don’t talk like that.”
Jamal tries to argue that anniversaries aren’t a big deal. Cassidy then enters the living room and announces that today is the 17-day anniversary of the first time that she and Chris said the same word at the same time and jinxed each other. She got Chris a card and everything. Anniversaries are very important and not just on this show. I have an entire calendar full of anniversaries and if you want to be a part of my life, you better be prepared to memorize it.
Meanwhile, on the beach, Al and Dawn are hanging out with Ms. Noble and Billy, which makes absolutely no sense. Al and Dawn make fun of Ms. Noble and Billy for being old. “Anything you and Dawn can do, Billy and I can do better!” Ms. Noble indignantly declares.
“Is that a challenge?” Dawn asks.
“Oh, it is on!” Ms. Noble replies.
Uhmm….I’ve said this before but MS. NOBLE IS THE PRINCIPAL! She shouldn’t even be hanging out with her students on the weekend, let alone challenging them on the beach!
Meanwhile, back at the vacation home, Chris has finally decided that he and Dawn will have a romantic dinner on the beach for their anniversary. (There’s nothing more romantic than sand and sea crabs!) The doorbell rings and, when Chris answer it, he’s surprised to see a girl named Nicole. They hug and Nicole announces, “When I heard you were in town, I had to come see you and say hi!”
“When you’re done saying hi,” Jamal announces, “Maybe you can introduce a brother.”
Chris explains that Nicole is his ex-girlfriend. Cassidy then enters the room and is a little less than happy to discover that Nicole is Chris’s ex-girlfriend and that Nicole lives in the Hamptons. Cassidy says she’s from the city. “I always wondered what it’s like to live in the city,” Nicole says, as if this episode is taken place in Appalachia as opposed to the Hamptons.
Somehow, Jamal and L-Train get roped into judging a dumb competition to determine whether Ms. Noble and Billy are a better couple than Dawn and Al. Let’s just ignore the whole principal thing. Billy and Ms. Noble are in their late 40s. They are challenging two seventeen year-olds.
Back at the vacation home, Nicole and Cassidy return from shopping. They’re getting along great until Cassidy asks why Nicole and Chris broke up. “Chris was a cheater,” Nicole says. Cassidy thinks that Nicole is referring to cheating at school. Nicole explains that Chris also cheats on his girlfriends. He’s a double cheater!
(But if Chris was such a cheater, why was Nicole so happy to hear that he was back in the Hamptons?)
Nicole reveals that when she confronted about Chris about being a cheater, Chris called her “the c-word.”
Cassidy gasps and I’ll admit that I gasped a little too.
“Yes,” Nicole says, “Clingy.”
(Interestingly, there’s no laughter or anything of that sort when Nicole says “clingy” so who knows? Maybe that’s what the C-word referred to back in 2000.)
You can probably guess what happens next. Chris is trying to set up the dinner without Cassidy finding out and Cassidy is convinced that Chris is cheating. Jamal and L-Train attempt to help Chris out by announcing that the three of them just want to hang out as guys but, when Cassidy doesn’t get the message, Chris tells her, “This week will go a lot better if you try not to be so …. so …. so …. CLINGY!”
OH MY GOD, HE SAID IT!
While Cassidy worries about whether or not Chris is cheating on her, the dumbass Best Couple Competition continues. Ms. Noble and Billy come over to Chris’s vacation home and they play a game where they try to guess what movie their partner is referring to. Ms. Noble and Billy easily win so I guess it’s time for Al to transfer to another school.
Later, Cassidy tells Dawn that Chris used “the c-word.”
“Oh my God,” Dawn replies, “Clingy!?”
And again, there’s no laughter. Either the joke went over the heads of the studio audience or it wasn’t a joke to begin with.
A deliveryman stops by and drops off some flowers. He explains that Chris paid him money to deliver flowers for “a secret rendezvous on the beach.” Cassidy, who is anniversary-obsessed, does not link this to their upcoming anniversary. Jamal, however, tells Dawn (but for some reason, not Cassidy) that Chris is planning on a diner for Cassidy.
Cassidy confronts Chris about the flowers and breaks up with hi,. Knowing that their friend is in pain, Jamal and L-Train promptly leave so that they can judge a tug-of-war competition between Ms. Noble and Billy and Dawn and Al. Fortunately, Dawn takes a break from pulling on the rope to let Cassidy know about the surprise dinner.
(For the record, Billy and Ms. Noble win the tug-of-war and the title of best couple. I’m not sure what pulling on a rope has to do with being the best couple but whatever. It’s a dumb plot anyway.)
Cassidy meets Chris on the beach and they forgive each other. And season 4 ends. Yay!
The first half of season 4 was fairly weak but the show kind of improved once Chris got his hair cut. Certainly, City Guys was not the best of Peter Engel-produced NBC shows but it wasn’t One World either. The biggest flaws remains the unrealistic depiction of Ms. Noble. The show’s biggest strength, at the end of season 4, is that the actors have finally stopped looking straight at the camera while delivering their lines.
Next week, we begin the final season of City Guys.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This week, The Love Boat becomes …. THE DIVORCE BOAT!
Episode 2.15 “My Sister, Irene / The ‘Now’ Marriage / Second Time Around”
(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on January 13th, 1979)
Dr. Todd Gardiner (Peter Marshall) is the author of a best-selling book that advocates for open marriage but he’s never had one himself. He’s determined to finally have an affair while sailing on The Love Boat and, just to prove that he’s not a hypocrite, he’s brought along his wife, Eleanor (Barbara Rush), and he’s encouraging her to have an affair as well! Initially, Eleanor is not particularly enthusiastic about the idea of cheating on her husband, with or without his permission. But then she meets Captain Stubing!
The Captain and Eleanor have a very chaste shipboard romance. He gives her a tour of Puerto Vallarta but that’s it. As the Captain explains it, he’s a traditionalist at heart and, even though he’s fallen in love with Eleaonor, he’s not the type to take part in an adulterous affair. Eleanor realizes that the same is true for her. And, of course, Todd realizes that he doesn’t want an open marriage either!
However, it’s too late for Todd. Both Eleanor and Todd’s cruise girlfriend, Nancy Bishop (Phyllis Davis), reject him. Eleanor announces that she’s going to file for divorce. Since that was The Love Boat, I was expecting Eleanor to suddenly change her mind but the episode ended with Todd alone and Eleanor promising that she would see the Captain again in the future.
I believe this is the first episode of The Love Boat to end with a breakup instead of a romance. This episode also came out very much against open marriage, which isn’t surprising. For all the innuendos and the jokes about people hooking up during each cruise, The Love Boat was a pretty conservative show at heart. If you hooked up on the boat, you were expected to get married on shore.
Speaking of marriage and divorce, another passenger on this cruise was Doc Bricker’s ex-wife, Betty (Tina Louise). Doc Bricker found himself falling once again for Betty, which was a problem as Betty was traveling with her fiancé, Lance (Lyle Waggoner). Except, of course, Lance was just an actor that Betty hired to make Doc jealous. But then Lance and Betty fell in love for real and decided to get married. It was incredibly silly but Lyle Waggoner’s dumb-but-earnest actor schtick did make me laugh.
Finally, Irene Austin (Martha Raye) boarded the ship with plans to reunite with her old college classmate, Andy (Ray Bolger). However, upon discovering that Andy was still as spry and funny as he was in college, Irene panicked and introduced herself as being her own sister. Andy saw through the ruse and he and Irene left the ship as a couple, which was sweet. I mean, it was another silly story but the old school, showbiz veteran charm of Raye and Bolger carried the story.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
Smiles, everyone, smiles! This week, we visit the other side of the Island.
Episode 2.23 “Cornelius and Alphonse/The Choice”
(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on May 6th, 1979)
This was a bit of an odd episode.
First off, the official title of the show, for this episode, was Fantasy Island Sunday Special. Usually, Fantasy Island aired on Saturdays. This episode, as you can guess by the title, aired on a Sunday. Secondly, this episode does away with both the plane and Tattoo’s signature cry of “Da Plane Da Plane,” and instead has the guests arrive on the island in a hot air balloon. Tattoo (who is once again seen driving his little car, so I guess he finally recovered it after it was stolen earlier in the season) and Mr. Roarke are joined by a second assistant, Cindy (Kimberly Beck, who readers of this site will probably recognize as the likable lead in films like Massacre at Central High and Friday The 13th: The Final Chapter). At one point, Roarke says that “Cindy helps me on this side of the Island.” If nothing else, this episode confirms that Roarke has multiple assistants and the Island is really, really big.
Actually, it’s a good thing that Cindy is there because Cornelius (Red Buttons) and Alphonse (Billy Barty) have kidnapped Tattoo! Cornelius is a former employee of the Island but he was fired for stealing. When he returns to the Island, he says that his fantasy is to just have a pleasant holiday with his friend Alphonse. However, Cornelius’s real fantasy is to get revenge on Mr. Roarke by abducting Tattoo and holding him for ransom!
Of course, anyone who has been paying attention to the show up to this point knows that Cornelius and Alphonse have made a mistake. Mr. Roarke and Tattoo obviously loathe each other. When Mr. Roarke finds out that Tattoo is being held captive in a conveniently deserted castle, he doesn’t really seem that concerned about it. And Tattoo turns out to be such a disruptive presence that Cornelius is soon begging Roarke to take him back. In the end, Roarke demands money to take Tattoo off of their hands and Cornelius and Alphone end up paying off their debt by working in Fantasy Island’s kitchen. Tattoo is amused by the whole thing, despite the fact that Mr, Roarke was essentially willing to let him die.
Meanwhile, two orphans (Kyle Richards and Michael Anderson, Jr.) are given a chance to pick their new parents. They spend time with two sets of prospective parents. (One of the potential fathers is a magician played by a youngish Regis Philbin.) From the start of the fantasy, it’s pretty obvious that they’re going to ask to be adopted by Ruth (Juliet Mills), the head of the adoption agency. And that’s exactly what happens. The episode ends with Ruth and the children boarding a hot air balloon and flying all the way back to America.
As I said, this was a bit of a weird episode, with a new assistant and a hot air balloon. “The other side of the Island” looks a like a theme park. This episode was obviously designed to appeal to children and, for what it’s worth, the IMDb trivia section states that this episode was meant to be a “backdoor pilot” for a version of Fantasy Island that would appeal to children. (I assume Cindy would have been the main character.) Unfortunately, the kidnapping humor is a bit too broad and the adoption storyline is a bit too predictable. Hopefully, next week’s episode will take place on the adult side of the Island.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
Play-offs, baby!
Episode 4.21 “Phenom Blues”
(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 22nd, 1998)
It’s play-off time and, once again, the Tornadoes are at Indiana State University. Unfortunately, the Tornadoes are having a crisis of confidence because their first game is going to be against a team that has the best player in Indiana. Despite Julie calling them all a bunch of losers for being afraid and the Coach giving them a lot of game tape to watch, the boys are convinced that they’re going to lose and get sent home.
“This is our last night in Bloomington,” Hammer says at one point, “We should at least have some fun!”
Seriously, how can you not have fun in Bloomington?
Michael, Silk, Rico, and Hammer all go to a cow-themed amusement park. Unfortunately, due to a malfunctioning hanging gondola, they nearly plunge to their deaths. A helicopter shows up at the last minute and drops a ladder down to them. Yay, I guess. I don’t know, this was actually kind of dumb and it annoyed me that we only saw the ladder and never the helicopter. I mean, if you’re going to fake an amusement park disaster, spend some money and get a real helicopter!
Julie, meanwhile, spends the night watching game tape and talking to herself about how the other team is good but can be defeated. Even when she’s talking to herself, Julie is condescending.
Finally, Kristy and Coach K. play in a pool tournament. Kristy is playing because she wants to win a bike so that the team can give it to Coach K as a thank you present. Coach K wants to win the bike because his old bike got stolen. Sounds like a win-win, to be honest. Fortunately, Coach K has to forfeit the game so he can help rescue the players at the amusement park. Kristy wins and gives Coach K. the bike that he would have won anyways. Wow, that was suspenseful.
Anyway, having survived a near-death experience, the team is able to win their playoff game. Yay!
This was pretty dumb but it did have one funny scene where, while flipping channels on the TV, Julie comes across an old episode of Saved By The Bell and dismisses it by saying, “I’ve seen all of these 50 times already.” That’s my type of humor right there.
Well, I guess that, in the next episode, we’ll find out if the Tornadoes won that championship or not….
Episode 4.22 “New York Nick”
(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 22nd, 1998)
The Tornadoes are going to New York!
Wait a minute, what? Aren’t they supposed to be playing for the state championship? It is true that they won a trip to New York when they were in San Antonio but why are they going now? It doesn’t make — eh, forget it. I’m doing trying to justify this show’s messy timeline. Life’s too short and I’m getting a headache.
In New York, Mary Beth and Kristy can’t wait to go shopping at Bloomingdale’s! Julie can’t wait to talk down to everyone! Michael, Silk, and Rico can’t wait to go to a Pacers/Knicks game! And Hammer can’t wait to see his ex-girlfriend, a supermodel named Cindy! He asks Mary Beth for permission and Mary Beth is like, “Sure!” But she doesn’t really mean it. She’s jealous and annoyed and I would have been as well. To be honest, she should have just dumped Hammer right there. I mean, Julie will dump a guy just for having uneven sideburns. Why is Mary Beth always trapped in these go-nowhere relationships?
While eating lunch with Cindy, Hammer is approached by the editor of Teen Life, who wants to put Cindy and Hammer on the cover of their Coolest Couple Issue! Mary Beth says that she doesn’t have a problem with it but when Cindy and Hammer are invited to an industry party, it’s time for Mary Beth, Kristy, and Julie to put on some silly wigs and crash the party! In a fit of jealousy, Mary Beth destroys a cake and loses Hammer the job. So, now …. oh God, this headache is intensifying …. Mary Beth has to find a way to sneak into the editor’s hotel room and talk her into rehiring Hammer. In fact, Mary Beth is so persistent that the editor decides to put Mary Beth on the cover instead of Cindy. File this under things that would never happen in real life.
Meanwhile, at the Knicks/Pacers game, Michael, Rico, and Silk get into a food fight with a Knicks fan who later turns out to be a friend of the coach and …. oh, who cares? The only thing memorable about the game scene is that it was pretty much recreated word-for-word in a later episode of City Guys.
Who won the championship!? Maybe we’ll find out next week.
The latest episode of Barry scared the Hell out of me. I literally screamed when that person dressed in all black appeared behind Sally. That said, I also laughed at Monroe “The Raven” Fuches and his first few days of freedom. NoHo Hank has apparently made himself into quite a successful businessman but he’s still in denial about the role he played in Cristobal’s death. And, of course, Gene Cousineau remains Gene Cousineau. I just can’t shake the feeling that none of these characters are going to survive the series finale.
Beavis and Butt-Head (Paramount Plus)
Beavis and Butt-Head discovered that the secret to being popular was acting depressed. And then they probably rendered themselves sterile with shock treatment. After that, Beavis got rabies. That was kind of disturbing. I’m going to guess that Butt-Head eventually got rabies as well. Oh well.
Black Bird (Apple TV+)
I watched the first four episodes of this true crime miniseries this week. It’s a fascinating show that I’ll write about more after I finish it. Paul Walter Hauser is extremely unsettling as Larry. Taron Egerton has the charisma of an old school movie star. This show also showcases the late Ray Liotta in the role of Egerton’s loving father. The role allows Liotta to show his kind side, along with the tough side that he was best known for. Along with everything else that makes this show memorable, it serves as a tribute to Liotta’s skill as an actor.
Forgive or Forget (YouTube)
Laurie Sue appeared on the show to confess to her husband that she had cheated on him with her first cousin and that she had subsequently danced and stripped at a laundry mat. He forgave her. Personally, I suspect that they were both lying about what happened and just wanted a chance to appear on television. Laurie Sue’s story was followed by two men who cheated on their pregnant fiancées. Mother Love helped everyone work out their problems. “Never underestimate the power of forgiveness!” Mother Love declared while the audience applauded. I suspect Mother Love may have been a cult leader.
On Monday, I watched an episode featuring a teenage moron named Andrew who trashed the house while his father was in the hospital, having his toe amputated. His father forgave him, even though Andrew definitely did not deserve it.
I Remember Gorgeous George (YouTube)
This was a 1980s documentary about pro-wrestling. I watched it on Sunday morning. I’m not really a wrestling fan but, that said, I can appreciate it as a unique example of Americana.
Law & Order (Thursday Night, NBC)
This uneven season came to an end with a heavy-handed look at gun control. Basically, the message of this week’s episode was that it’s okay to kill someone as long as you have the right political beliefs. Once again, justice was pushed to the side because of Price’s PTSD. Seriously, what a disappointing way to end the season.
On Saturday morning, I watched a 30-minute profile of the band Bananarama.
Sally Jessy Raphael (YouTube)
“I can’t believe my kid’s a skinhead!” was the title of the episode that I watched on Sunday and indeed, the parents were shocked. Sally lost control of the audience early on. I followed this up with an episode called “Serial Killer Fan Vs. Victims Families.” Yikes!
On Tuesday, I was in a bad mood so I watched an episode called “My Teen Is Going To End Up A Criminal.” Wow, those teens had some issues! And I bet they did all end up as criminals.
I watched this 90s special on Friday night. It was a collection of comedy clips, including a stand-up comedian talking about why he gave up cocaine. Just from his manic delivery, I don’t think he ever gave up cocaine.
Waco: The Aftermath (Showtime)
I watched the remaining episodes of Waco: The Aftermath this week. I understand that the show has apparently not been well-received by critics. I’m going to guess that’s because the show was ultimately as a critical of the government as it was of its enemies. To me, the show provided a look at how the efforts to combat the monster often make the monster even stronger.
Yellowjackets (Sunday Night, Showtime)
I’m now caught up with Yellowjackets. Of course, I knew that Shauna’s baby was not going to survive but that didn’t make the episode any less powerful or sad or unsettling. This season has definitely been a bit more uneven than the first season but it’s still a very intriguing show.
Through the Shattered Lens 