Tonight, on the final episode of The Hitchhiker, Rae Dawn Chong plays an aspiring actress who wants to join the hottest theatrical troupe. Unfortunately, there’s a price for everything and sometimes, that price is your soul!
This episode originally aired on February 22nd, 1991.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!
This week, Fantasy Island is invaded by jungle men and ventriloquists!
Episode 3.21 “Jungle Man/Mary Ann and Miss Sophisticate”
(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on March 8th, 1980)
For years, David Farley (Dennis Cole) starred as Jungle Man on television. When the show was canceled, David made a living by doing public appearances as Jungle Man but then the producers of the show filed a lawsuit. As a result, David is no longer allowed to ever dress up in a loin cloth. David comes to Fantasy Island, hoping for one last chance to be Jungle Man.
(This fantasy, by the way, had its roots in what happened to the original Lone Ranger, Clayton Moore. Moore was told that he could no longer wear the mask in public because a new Lone Ranger movie was coming out. The producers also took Moore to court. Moore reacts by ditching the mask and wearing wrap-around sunglasses instead.)
Mr. Roarke explains to David that his fantasy will make Jungle Man a reality. There will be no stunt doubles and the bad guys might not be as easy to defeat as on television. David says he doesn’t care. He finds himself again in the jungle, transformed into Jungle Man! He also discovers that all of his friends are upset with him because they haven’t seen him for two years. They think that Jungle Man just abandoned them and, of course, Jungle Man can’t explain that the show was canceled.
In Jungle Man’s absence, Queen Mara (France Nuyen) has agreed to surrender the jungle to the evil hunter, Derrick Haskell (Dick Butkus, who between Half-Nelson, Hang Time, and this show, is becoming a bit of a regular on this site). Can Jungle Man prevent Mara from signing over her land? And can he save Rima (Barbara Luna), the woman he loves? And, even more importantly, can he convince Roarke to to let him live forever in the jungle?
Of course, he can. This was a bit of silly fantasy but it still worked because of how earnest Dennis Cole was in the role of Jungle Man. Plus, I enjoyed that life in the jungle had continued even after the Jungle Man television show was canceled. It captured the way that a lot of us feel when our favorite TV show is cancelled and we wonder what happened to all the characters after the finale.
The other fantasy was …. well, it was weird and creepy and surprisingly dark. Annette Funicello played Mary Ann Carlin (Annette Funicello), a world famous ventriloquist. Mary Ann is worried that she can no longer tell where her personality ends and where the personality of her dummy, Valerie, begins. Is there anything creepier than a ventriloquist with a personality conflict?
Mary Ann’s fantasy is to separate her personality from Valerie’s for a weekend so that she can decide what to do with her career. (This sounds like something that would be better handled by a therapist than a resort owner but whatever.) Mr. Roarke’s solution is to turn Valerie into a living human being. Unfortunately, it turns out that Valerie has a man streak and she not only seduces Mary Ann’s boyfriend (Don Galloway) but she also gives a surreal performance in which, somehow, Mary Ann is transformed into the dummy.
Fortunately for Mary Ann. everything works out. She finally snaps out of whatever spell she was under and she tossed Valerie, who is now suddenly a doll once again, in a fire. Mary Ann and her boyfriend leave the Island, planning on getting married and settling down. Apparently, Mary Ann doesn’t have a problem with the fact that her boyfriend had sex with a ventriloquist’s dummy but I still imagine that it’s something she’ll bring up whenever they have a disagreement about something. “You think I’m spending too much money!? Remember that time you screwed a block of wood?”
It really doesn’t make much sense at all but it’s so surreal and weird that it’s fun to watch. This fantasy was the Island at its most nightmarish and certainly, that makes it an appropriate fantasy to close out October with!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Nightmare Café, which ran on NBC from January to April of 1992. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, the café goes country!
Episode 1.5 “Sanctuary For A Child”
(Dir by Armand Mastroianni, originally aired on March 27th, 1992)
On tonight’s episode of Nightmare Café, we learn a few things about the café. Apparently, the café is not just located in Los Angeles. It can materialize anywhere on the planet but it apparently does so on its own. Though Blackie (played by Robert Englund) claims to be the proprietor of the café, this episode suggests that he actually has no control over it. While Blackie apparently does know why the Nightmare Café does the things that it does, it would appear that the café still has a mind of its own. It decides where it is going and it decides when it is time to leave.
This episode, for instance, begins with the Nightmare Café materializing on a street in a small, country town. Soon after it materializes, both Frank and Fay also materialize inside the café. I’ve often wondered where Frank and Fay go whenever the café is closed for business. Frank and Fay, after all, are essentially ghosts. Do they need to eat or sleep? This episode suggests that they do, as Fay complains about having to get up early because “the café” has decided to open up the crack of dawn.
Soon enough, a young boy named Luke Wall (Brandon Quintin Adams) comes walking into the café. He and Frank immediately bond, with Frank realizing that Luke is trying to run away from home. What Frank discovers upon following Luke out of the café is that Luke’s home is in a hospital. Luke is in a coma and has been for quite some time. Frank also discovers that the café has materialized in his home town, the place that he left when he joined the Navy and to which he thought he would never return. Luke is the son of Frank’s former best friend, Tom (Vondie Curtis-Hall), and his ex-girlfriend, Evelyn (Angela Bassett). Frank explains to Fay that Evelyn was the love of his life but his racist father demanded that they break up. That was one of the main reasons why Frank left town and has never returned.
So, the Nightmare Cafe wants two things to happen. It wants Tom and Evelyn to make peace with Luke’s impending death and also with each other. And it wants Frank to deal with his past and his feelings towards his late father.
And that’s exactly what happens. It’s a sweet episode, even if it’s a bit predictable and heavy-handed enough to end with “The Living Years” playing on the soundtrack. In many ways, this felt more like an episode of Highway to Heaven than an episode of Nightmare Café but, as was so often the case with this show, the strong performances of the cast carried the narrative over any rough spots. In the end, Frank made his peace with the past, Luke moved on to the afterlife, and the Nightmare Café moved on to a new town.
Next week: the final episode of Nightmare Café!
Tonight’s bonus episode of televised horror is an episode of Baywatch Nights that deals with something that every lifeguard eventually has to deal with: demonic possession.
Well, actually, it’s not so much demonic possession as its dead serial killer possession but it’s still definitely not a good thing. That’s especially true when it’s a friend and/or co-worker getting possessed. I mean, it’s never fun to end a relationship but having to end it because someone managed to get possessed …. I just don’t see how you live that down.
And, before anyone gets the wrong idea, Hasselhoff is not the one who gets possessed. It would have been fun if he had been but no. Sorry.
This episode originally aired on February 2nd, 1997.
On tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, a woman and her lover attempt to collect her husband’s health insurance after his death. Unfortunately, for them, her husband might have something to say about that.
This episode originally aired on February 15th, 1991.
So, we all know that the Grinch once tried to steal to Christmas and then his heart grew a few sizes but did you know that apparently, the Grinch also tried to steal Halloween?
Until a few years ago, I did not. I was going through YouTube, searching for horror films that I could share here on the Shattered Lens, and guess what I came across?
A TV special from Halloween, 1977 entitled Halloween is Grinch Night!
Unlike How The Grinch Stole Christmas, Halloween is Grinch Night apparently never became a holiday classic. Perhaps that’s because Halloween is Grinch Night is not exactly the most heart-warming of holiday specials. Whereas How The Grinch Stole Christmas tells us about how the Grinch learned the true meaning of Christmas, Halloween is Grinch Night gives us a Grinch who has no redeeming features. There is no hope for this Grinch. This Grinch will steal your soul and probably drink your blood. This Grinch is pure Grinchy evil.
This is the Grinch of our nightmares.
Check out Halloween is Grinch Night below and hope the Grinch doesn’t capture you this Halloween….
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, Bruce Willis comes to Miami!
Episode 1.8 “No Exit”
(Dir by David Soul, originally aired on November 9th, 1984)
Tony Amato is a complete monster.
He’s an arms dealer, one who is responsible for machine guns showing up all over Miami. When he’s not selling guns to drug dealers, he’s plotting to sell rocket launchers to terrorists. He’s a crude and a violent man who has suddenly gotten very wealthy and who likes to show off his money. He lives in a pink, art deco mansion. He has a beautiful wife named Rita (Katherine Borowitz), who he regularly abuses. Miami Vice wants to arrest him to get the guns off the street. The federal government wants to arrest him so that they can get their rocket launchers back. And Rita …. well, Rita just wants to hire someone to kill him.
Tony Amato is a memorable character because of just how thoroughly evil he actually is. He’s a criminal because he enjoys it and it doesn’t bother him that his weapons can lead to innocent people dying. Tony is also memorable because he’s played by Bruce Willis. This was Willis’s first credited acting role. (He had appeared as an extra in a few movies before this.) Willis got the role on the recommendation of Don Johnson, who remembered Bruce as being the bartender at one of his favorite New York bars. Though there’s not a lot of depth to the role, Willis does get to show off the cocky confidence that would later become his trademark.
As for the episode, it’s dark even by the standards of Miami Vice. The episode opens with a violent chase and gunfight in the streets of Miami and it ends, just as the previous episode did, with an abused spouse probably throwing their life away to get revenge. We watch as Tubbs, Crockett, and Lester (Julio Oscar Mechesco) sneak into Tony’s mansion and manage to bug the place before Tony returns home. They set up their survelliance operation on Crockett’s boat. Of course, things pretty much fall apart as soon as the federal agents show up and demand to be allowed to oversee the operation.
While the Miami cops and the federal agents fight over jurisdiction, Crockett tries to help Rita escape from her husband. He approaches her while she’s waiting to meet with a hitman and convinces her to let the cops handle it. He promises her that he will put Tony away, even though he knows nothing is ever that simple. Both Katherine Borowitz and Don Johnson do a good job in their scenes together. Deep down, Crockett knows that he’s giving Rita false hope but he can’t bring himself to admit it.
Tubbs, once again, gets to break out his Jamaican accent as he goes undercover as a terrorist who is in the market for Tony’s rocket launchers. Through Tubbs’s hard work, Tony is arrested but, on the steps of the courthouse, two new government agents demand that Tony be released because they’ve determined him to be a potential asset in their own Central American operations. Tony smirks as his handcuffs are removed. Rita appears on the steps, demanding to know why Tony is being set free. She pulls a gun from her purse. We got a freeze frame of Sonny shouting, “NO!” as a gunshot echoes on the soundtrack. Tony may be dead (and we never specifically see whether Rita’s aim was true or not) but his guns are still on the streets, the people he sold to are still free, and the only person going to prison is going to be an abused wife.
Like I said, this was a dark episode. This is one of those episodes that left the viewer to wonder why Cockett and Tubbs even bothered to make the effort. In the end, all their hard work added up to nothing. For Crockett, the case became about saving Rita but the government was more concerned about their own shady schemes that protecting its citizens. Of course, even if Tony had been sent to prison, someone else would have taken his place. That’s life in Miami.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989! The series can be streamed on YouTube!
This week, Degrassi goes there!
Episode 1.7 “Best Laid Plan”
(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on March 1st, 1987)
This week’s episode of Degrassi Junior High is cringe city. I mean that in a good way. Seriously, Degrassi Junior High may be close to 40 years old but awkwardness about sex, especially when you’re still trying to figure out what it’s all about, is a timeless subject.
Stephanie (Nicole Stoffman) has had a crush on Wheels (Neil Hope) since the series began but their one date ended in disaster when Stephanie had too much to drink beforehand. Still, she finally works up the courage to ask Wheels if he wants to do something on Friday night and Wheels says yes! Yay!
Voula (Niki Kemeny), who is absolutely one of the worst characters in the history of Degrassi, pops up to once again whine about Stephanie not thanking her when she won the school presidency and to accuse Stephanie of being sleazy just because she doesn’t dress like a member of polygamous cult. SHUT UP, VOULA! Your father won’t even let you stay out past 9:00.
Stephanie gets even more excited when her mother (Pat Beaven) tells Stephanie that she has a date on Friday and she’ll be out of the house. Stephanie drops Wheels a note asking him to come to her house at 7:30. Soon, everyone is school is talking about how Stephanie and Wheels are definitely going to do it on their date. When the creepy twins ask Stephanie if she’s really going to have sex with Wheels, Stephanie shrugs in the fashion of someone trying to be more worldly than she actually is.
Meanwhile, Stephanie is still refusing to admit that Arthur (Duncan Waugh) is her brother. This annoys Arthur but at least his best friend Yick Yu (Siluck Saysanasy) has managed to get his hands on a VHS copy of Swamp Sex Robots. Yick wants to watch it but, this being the 80s, the only way to watch it would be to pop it in the living room VCR and his parents are always at home. Wait a minute! Arthur has a VCR and both his mother and his sister have dates!
Wheels, feeling insecure about sex, talks to his father (Timm Zemanek). (Of course, true Degrassi fans know that Wheels is actually adopted and his real father is a drunk living on the other side of Canada but it’ll be a while until we reach that storyline.) His father tells Wheels that it’s important to use protection so Wheels heads down to the local drug store and purchases some condoms. The pharmacist is concerned that someone as young as Wheels needs condoms and she gives him a bunch of sex safe pamphlets. What Wheels doesn’t know is that the pharmacist is also …. STEPHANIE’S MOTHER!
OH MY GOD! Seriously, cringe!
It’s Friday night! After embarrassing Stephanie and Arthur by giving them safe sex pamphlets at the dinner table, Stephanie’s mom is waiting for her date. Stephanie is trying to get ready for Wheels without her mom seeing the slutty outfit that she’s wearing. And Arthur wants everyone to get out of the house before Yick and his gang of pervs show up to watch Swamp Sex Robots. Stephanie’s mom’s date arrives on time. Unfortunately, Wheels shows up early and, when Stephanie’s mom opens the door, both dates are standing on the porch, holding flowers.
“You’re the boy from the pharmacy!” Stephanie’s mom says before yelling at Stephanie to come downstairs.
Stephanie’s hasty attempt to toss on a bathrobe as she comes downstairs doesn’t fool her mother. After seeing how her daughter usually dresses outside of the house, Stephanie’s mom sends her date home and then yanks Wheels into the house so that she can give both Stephanie and Wheels a lecture about being too young for sex. Unfortunately, before she can really get into that lecture, Yick and his friends show up wanting to watch their porn….
Seriously, this was a great episode and it represented everything that made Degrassi special. It was honest but it was funny and it had me cringing as I had flashbacks to my own days of wannabe wild youth. Like last week’s episode, Best Laid Plans (great title) proved to be too controversial for the UK and the BBC declined to air the episode.
Seriously, Degrassi goes there!
Tonight, with Halloween only a few days away, The Shattered Lens is proud to present a bonus episode of televised horror! In this beloved episode of Baywatch Nights, two 900 year-old Vikings are causing chaos in Los Angeles! Who can stop them?
David Hasselhoff, of course!
This episode originally aired on February 9th, 1997!
On tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, a factory owner finds himself cursed after an undocumented worker dies in his factory. This is a Hitchhiker morality play. If you’re a businessperson who doesn’t take of your employees, the Hitchhiker is going to show up outside your factory and tell everyone what a terrible person you are.
The episode originally aired on January 25th, 1991.
Through the Shattered Lens