70,000 Tons of… wait what?


Hell died and went to Miami.

I know how to smell a scam, and this thing reeks. But I couldn’t write it off so easily, because I found it through a band’s official tour schedule. So I started looking around at a bunch of different band sites, a bunch of reputable music magazines, everything I could think of, and sure enough, it appears to be legit. If it is a scam, it’s about the most well played one I’ve ever encountered. I honestly think this is real.

So you probably figure, ok, cruises are for yuppies and old people, it’s probably going to be a lot of cheesy hair metal, washed up gimmicks, and no name bands. It certainly isn’t going to be the most impressive names in metal, all playing at least two sets a piece, chilling on the deck getting hammered with the fans between performances, right? …Right?…

Blind Guardian, Týr, Finntroll, Ensiferum, Korpiklaani, Amon Amarth, and Iced Earth top the lineup. I’m not fucking kidding. This cruise includes Nevermore, Marduk, Sonata Arctica, Moonspell, Rage, Epica, Dark Tranquility, Testament, Obituary, Exodus, Fear Factory, Gamma Ray, Unleashed, and a Bathory cover band consisting of members of Mayhem, Einherjer, Dimmu Borgir, Thyrfing, and Primordial.

On a cruise ship.

I think I just crapped my pants.

According to the creator of all this, “I live in Vancouver, BC, very close to the cruise ship terminal. So one day about three years ago I was sitting with my friends on my balcony having a few beers. Obviously we had one too many, because I remember asking those guys, hey, wouldn’t that be cool to charter one of these and put a heavy metal festival on? That was when 70000TONS OF METAL was born.”

A Quickie With Lisa Marie: The Host of Seraphim (performed by Dead Can Dance)


Hi, out there!

Okay, for those of you who haven’t been following along, on Monday, Arleigh posted an entry about Frank Darabont firing the Walking Dead’s writing staff and how this might indicate that Darabont is planning on being the show’s sole writer.

So, of course, me being the little contrarian that I am, I had to stick my big Italian nose into it all and comment about how much I hate The Shawshank Redemption and about how Stephen King is an insecure whore.  And this, of course, led to all of the boys fighting over whether or not The Mist had a good ending.

(I’m joking a little here — it’s actually been a pretty interesting discussion.)

Anyway, I’ve already taken my side in the argument, which is that The Mist had a terrible ending but that terrible ending was scored with a really good and haunting song.

And here that song is : The Host of Seraphim by Dead Can Dance.

…And Christmas For All!


You probably haven’t heard of Michael Armstrong, but you might have heard of his musical project, Rockabye Baby. Armstrong (not to be confused with the Christian pop singer of the same name) has made his claim to fame by taking music by the likes of Radiohead, Tool, and Nirvana, and, through copius glockenspiel, converting their best hits into lullabies. But don’t roll your eyes at another Richard Cheese just yet. The Rockabye Baby albums are actually pleasant to listen to in their own right.

I suppose Christmas music was the logical next step.

It’s hard to give credit where credit is due concerning these; I’ve seen a number of different names associated with the Rockabye Baby series, but Armstrong’s definitely pops up the most. Individual credits for each album are difficult to come by. I’m pretty sure he is the composer of this holiday absurdity, but don’t quote me on it.

Happy holidays?

Song of the Day: War (by Poets of the Fall)


Since I had already chosen the latest AMV of the Day to feature the Finnish rock band, Poets of the Fall, I thought it only appropriate that the latest Song of the Day make it a double-billing. This latest chosen song for this music feature is “War” by Poets of the Fall.

The song features heavily in the psychological-thriller game, Alan Wake, on the Xbox 360. It’s not surprising to find Poets of the Fall as part of this game’s soundtrack since the groups past relationship with Remedy who developed the game and who also happen to be Finnish themselves. “War” was used as the score for the end of Episode Five in the game. Even the official music video shot by the band used the basic plot of the game for it’s visuals.

In years past the band’s albums were typically labeled as alternative rock which is probably why I never really heard about them until I heard them on Alan Wake. This particular song is the second track on their latest album, Twilight Theater, and moves the band from their alternative roots to a more symphonic rock sound. This symphonic sound actually gives the band a much more classic hard rock vibe than their previous albums and is probably why I’ve finally gotten into their music. And I shall continue to listen to them and their future musical endeavors if they continue on this new musical style.

War

Do you remember standing on a broken field
White crippled wings beating the sky
The harbingers of war with their nature revealed
And our chances flowing by?

If I can let the memory heal
I will remember you with me on that field

When I thought that I fought this war alone
You were there by my side on the frontline
When I thought that I fought without a cause
You gave me a reason to try

Turn the page I need to see something new
For now my innocence is torn
We cannot linger on this stunted view
Like rabid dogs of war

I will let the memory heal
I will remember you with me on that field

When I thought that I fought this war alone
You were there by my side on the front line
And we fought to believe the impossible
When I thought that I fought this war alone
We were one with our destinies entwined
When I thought that I fought without a cause
You gave me the reason why

With no-one wearing their real face
It’s a whiteout of emotion
And I’ve only got my brittle bones to break the fall

When the love in letters fade
It’s like moving in slow motion
And we’re already too late if we arrive at all

And then we’re caught up in the arms race
An involuntary addiction
And we’re shedding every value our mothers taught

So will you please show me your real face
Draw the line in the horizon
‘Cause I only need your name to call the reasons why I fought

When I thought that I fought this war alone
You were there by my side on the front line
And we fought to believe the impossible
When I thought that I fought this war alone
We were one with our destinies entwined
When I thought that I fought without a cause
You gave me the reason why

A Quickie With Lisa Marie: Hey Boy Hey Girl (performed by the Chemical Brothers)


Some day, I’m going to make and publish a list that will entitled “Top Ten Songs To Dance To While Wasted.”  Until I get around to that, I’ll just take a few minutes to highlight the song that would probably come in at number 3 — Hey Boy Hey Girl by the Chemical Brothers.

I really wanted to put up the music video that features the kids in the museum and the skeletons having sex in the public restroom.  However, every version of that to be found on YouTube comes with one of those really annoying “embedding disabled by request” tags.  Bleh on that.

So, I’m including two videos.  The first one is simply the song as it appears on 1999’s Surrender.  The second is a clip of the Chemical Brothers doing the song live at Glastonbury in 2007.  Personally, I love the 2nd clip.  If you ever get a chance to see the Chemical Brothers live, you must take it as surely as you must breathe oxygen to live.

Song of the Day: Listen To Your Heart (by D.H.T. cover of Roxette)


Ok, so this particular choice for “song of the day” is not the usual metal, rock or even apocalyptic and horror music, but that’s why my taste can range so far and wide. My latest choice is the song “Listen To Your Heart” by the Belgian trance duo D.H.T. who covered it from the original Roxette track.

I enjoyed the original Roxette version which is so 80’s power synth ballad, but for some reason this cover by D.H.T. is my favorite. Maybe it’s because it’s a much slower vocal version of the song which does have a much faster tempo with a lot of 80’s style instrumentation. It also may be due to the fact that I just seem to get lost in the vocal stylings of Edmée Daenen who is the vocal front of the trance duo.

Lastly, it could also be that she has quite the voice in addition to being quite the hot number herself. Or I’m just a sucker for sappy ballads.

Hey, even the dark heart of a metal and horror aficionado will soften somewhat once in awhile.

Listen To Your Heart

I know there’s something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.
You’ve built a love but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.

Listen to your heart
When he’s calling for you.
Listen to your heart
There’s nothing else you can do.
I don’t know where you’re going
And I don’t know why,
But listen to your heart
Before you tell him goodbye.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They’re swept away and nothing is what it seems,
The feeling of belonging to your dreams.

Listen to your heart
When he’s calling for you.
Listen to your heart
There’s nothing else you can do.
I don’t know where you’re going
And I don’t know why,
But listen to your heart
Before you tell him goodbye.

And there are voices
That want to be heard.
So much to mention
But you can’t find the words.
The scent of magic,
The beauty that’s been
When love was wilder than the wind.

Listen to your heart
When he’s calling for you.
Listen to your heart
There’s nothing else you can do.
I don’t know where you’re going
And I don’t know why,
But listen to your heart
Before you tell him goodbye.

Listen to your heart, mm hmm.

I don’t know where you’re going
And I don’t know why,
But listen to your heart
Before you tell him goodbye.

A Quickie With Lisa Marie: Buio Omega (performed by Goblin)


One of my favorite movies of all time is Joe D’Amato’s haunting 1979 romance Beyond The Darkness.  Not only is it one of the best Italian films ever (and the best film ever directed by D’Amato) but I think it’s also one of the best films ever made.

One reason the film is so effective is because of its soundtrack, which was composed and performed by  (who else?) Goblin.  The music will be familiar to any Italian horror fan, largely because it was reused by about a thousand other movies that came out in the years after Beyond The Darkness.  (Director Bruno Mattei, in particular, was fond of it.)

A Quickie With Lisa Marie: Gimme Shelter (performed by Merry Clayton and the Rolling Stones)


Today is November 9th.  I’m 25 years old today and I don’t want to talk about it.  Bleh.  Instead, let’s just play one of the greatest songs ever written, Gimme Shelter.

Gimme Shelter is one of those songs that seems to turn up in every fourth movie that I watch and it’s easy to tell why.  It’s a great song.  Despite the apocalyptic subject matter, this is an undeniably exhilirating song.  This is a song that makes my heart beat faster every time I hear it.  If I ever happen to total my car again, it’ll probably be because I was listening to this song while driving.  If I ever make out my list of top ten songs to fuck make love fuck to, Gimme Shelter will be at the top of the list along with Blondie’s Atomic, Siouxsie and the Banshee’s Kiss Them For Me, and every song on Moby’s Play CD.

Is it possible that Gimme Shelter is the greatest song of all time?

Yes.

A Blaze in the Northern Sky: Music for October (part 6)


Happy Halloween. Hope you enjoy the conclusion to my black metal countdown.


10. Bathory – Bestial Lust
Were I outlining a history of black metal, this song probably wouldn’t make the cut. By mid-80s standards it might be black metal, but by early Bathory standards it’s pretty straight forward thrash. That is, from a stylistic perspective it was already in 1985 a throwback to the genre Bathory had evolved out of. But it’s such an awesome song that, thrash and black metal being so intimately tied in the 80s, I think I can justify it. I considered giving the ten slot to In Conspiracy with Satan instead. Feel free to humor it as the more appropriate choice.


9. Mörk Gryning – Tusen år har gått
When I think of quintessential black metal, stylistically speaking, the first album that comes to mind isn’t In the Nightside Eclipse, De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas, or any other obvious staple. It’s Mörk Gryning’s 1995 release, Tusen år har gått. This inexplicably forgotten Swedish band managed to capture every stereotype element of black metal perfectly in their debut release. If I personally ever aspired to start a black metal band, this album is what I would try to emulate.


8. Immortal – The Call of the Wintermoon
But when it comes to influence, to the legends go the glory. Immortal gained much of their fame for later works, with Call of the Wintermoon known best for its ridiculous music video, not the song itself. I avoided showing that video for a reason. 1992’s Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism is less noisy than a lot of its contemporaries, and its dark character shines through all the more because of it. This album, and this song especially, set a standard for black metal aesthetics. It’s one of the first to be so distinct from thrash that the influence is no longer immediately apparent.


7. Burzum – Key to the Gate
Varg Vikernes’s works being so album-oriented, I could think of very few individual tracks that maintained their greatness apart from their larger vision. But Key to the Gate always, for me at least, stood apart. The intro is absolutely demented, and yet it progresses into a well-structured song. For me it really captures Varg himself, a mind half brilliant and half warped beyond rationality. In explaining his historic past, Varg has been known to change his story frequently. Sometimes the church burnings, the murder, the primitivism all appears to be part of a rational and not altogether disagreeable plan. Sometimes he reveals himself a racist, homophobic, paranoid imbecile. The 2010 release Belus, his first in over a decade, is in striking contrast to Dissection’s Reinkaos. Following Jon Nödtveidt’s jail term for murdering a homosexual African man, his creative genius had left him. His next album was a failure, and he took his life not long after. Varg made some rather bold statements about Euronymous’s sexual orientation in explaining his motivation for murder (not to mention some claims to white supremacy that surpassed mere confusion to the point of complete ridiculousness). Yet after serving more than twice as long as Nödtveidt, his next album was a brilliant continuation of the old Burzum, as though no time had passed at all. There is a sort of unnatural complexity to him, and his music alike.


6. Dissection – Where Dead Angels Lie
But Jon Nödtveidt’s significance in at least this one instance should not be overlooked. Storm of the Light’s Bane, released in 1995, features perhaps the single most memorable black metal song I’ve ever heard. At least for a brief three years, Sweden’s Dissection was rivaling anything Norway had to offer. As so many black metal stories go, Nödtveidt’s suicide was nothing approaching traditional. I read that he blew his brains out sitting in the middle of a pentagram surrounded by candles, with a grimoire open before him.


5. Gorgoroth – Ritual
I wouldn’t go so far as to say Gaahl is overrated, but Hat, their vocalist from 1992 until 1995, suits me best. Their debut Pentagram is just as unforgiving as their later works, but with a lo-fi value that captures an essence of evil more effectively than brute force. The third track, Ritual, struck me the first time I heard it and remains still one of my favorite songs of the genre. (And it shares so much in common with Nattefrost that I almost have to believe it had a direct influence on his solo project.)


4. Darkthrone – Transilvanian Hunger
This one kind of goes without saying. If Kathaarian Life Code initiated the second wave of black metal, Transilvanian Hunger predicted its future. Primitive and raw on a whole new level (it was recorded three years before Ulver’s Nattens Madrigal), the album’s trance-like appeal might have some relation to Varg Vikernes’s lyrical contributions. I imagine it was more a matter though of fewer minds leading to a more consistant focus. It was the first Darkthrone album involving Nocturno Culto and Fenriz exclusively as band members.


3. Emperor – I am the Black Wizards
Emperor’s self-titled 1993 EP briefly pre-dates In the Nightside Eclipse and, along with two other EPs/demos of the era, features many of their first album’s classics in their unrefined, original forms. I wouldn’t go so far as to call the originals better (Emperor’s reunion performance of the song at Wacken 2006 is by far the best version of it out there), but the original appeals best to that rawness with which the second wave of black metal made its mark. All of the refined features that set Ihsahn’s song-writing apart–the heavy synth, the complex movements, the difficult guitar riffs–are present, but in this early form they still took second stage to that demented ethos black metal embraced for a few years in the early 90s.


2. Carpathian Forest – Shut Up, There is No Excuse to Live
If you question this placement get the fuck out of my article.


1. Mayhem – Funeral Fog
“Please excuse all the blood.” Dead’s suicide note, the artistic photographed rearrangement of his splattered brains for use on a future album cover, clothing buried with dead animals for weeks to reek of decay, Euronymous’s brutal cold-blooded murder with a knife to the skull, Varg Vikernes’s inclusion as the album’s bassist AFTER murdering its lead guitarist, the burning of the Fantoft stave church, the trial that lead to Faust’s confession of murdering a random stranger, Tchort’s imprisonment for grave desecration, Samoth’s imprisonment for arson… Black metal consumed itself in a real life horror story unrivaled in fiction between 1991 and 1993, and it all culminated in the release of De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas. Funeral Fog must be appreciated with an eye towards the literal insanity that surrounded it. “In the middle of Transylvania, all natural life has from a long time ago gone. It’s thin and so beautiful.” We reflect on Elizabeth Bathory and Vlad Tepes as the real life icons of evil from which the cultural genre known as horror, 20th century serial killers not withstanding, was born. But in the early 90s, the middle of Transylvania was southern Norway.

Happy Halloween!

I leave you with a final treat that couldn’t stylistically make the cut.