Retro Game Review: L.A. Noire (2011, Rockstar Games)

Posted on October 22, 2019 by Jedadiah Leland

(This review is based on my experience replaying L.A. Noire. Be sure to reread Leonard Wilson’s review, from when the game was originally released.)

I recently replayed L.A. Noire, a game that I enjoyed when it was first released in 2011. I was curious to see if, after eight years, it still held up. The first time I played L.A. Noire, it was on the Xbox 360. For the replay, I used the version that was released for the PS4. This version included extra rewards and cases that were not originally included in the game.

L.A. Noire takes place in Los Angeles in the years immediately following World War II. For the majority of the game, you control the actions of Cole Phelps, a decorated USMC veteran who works his way up through the LAPD. He starts as a uniformed policeman before being promoted to detective. The game follows him through three different department until, as a result of a personal scandal, he ends up being demoted down to arson. Along the way, Phelps learns the truth about the Black Dahlia murderer and gets involved in the deadly aftereffects of a morphine heist. Through a series of flashbacks, we also discover that Phelps may not be the war hero that everyone thinks that he is. Cole’s an interesting hero because he’s so openly ambitious and judgmental that he is sometimes easy to dislike. Nearly everyone who works with Cole in the game either beings their partnership disliking him or grows to dislike him over time. Cole can be abrasive but he also has a strong moral sense and, when he says that he’s a better detective than his partners, he has a point. From the start, the games teases us about Cole’s inevitable downfall but, when it actually does happen, it catches both Cole and the player by surprise.

L.A. Noire is an open world game, meaning that Phelps can temporarily abandon a case and spend some time walking and driving around Los Angeles. The game’s recreation of 1947 Hollywood is impressive but, when compared to other open world games, there’s not much to do when you’re not actually on a mission. This isn’t like Grand Theft Auto, where you can spends weeks mugging people and stealing cars until deciding to return a phone call so that you can get your next task. L.A. Noire is a story-centered game so be prepared to spend most of your time searching crime scenes for clues, going back to the police station to pick up lab reports, and interrogating suspects.

When L.A. Noire first came out, it was the interrogation scenes that received the most attention. The game used MotionScan technology and 32 cameras to capture every possible facial expression of the actors appearing in the game. When you ask someone a question, you can watch their expressions while they answer and make the determination whether they’re lying or telling the truth, as well as whether to be a good cop or a bad cop. You can watch an liar refuses to make eye contact with you or as an innocent man sweats out an aggressive questioning. It puts you right in the world of the game, though I was disappointed to discover that wrongly accusing someone of lying doesn’t actually have much of an effect on how each case ends.

The main flaw with L.A. Noire‘s stoy is that, during the final fourth of the game, a new character is introduced. Jack Kelso served with Cole in the Marines and knows the truth about Cole’s wartime “heroism.” For the final few cases, Jack replaces Cole as the playable character and Cole is reduced to supporting him. Because Jack is written to be perfect and basically has none of Cole’s flaws, he’s also not a very interesting protagonist. Switching from playing Cole to Kelso bothered me the first time that I played L.A. Noire and it bothered me even more when I replayed it. A final cut scene, which revealed that Kelso knew more than he originally let on, did not help.

Fortunately, the rest of the game still held up very well. The cases are all challenging without being impossible to solve and the game does a great job of recreating the atmosphere of classic California noirs like Chinatown and L.A. Confidential. Cole, his partners, and all of the suspects are vividly written and voiced characters and the cases that Cole works for Homicide are just creepy enough to make this game appropriate for October playing. Be careful chasing the Black Dahlia killer into the catacombs. I didn’t bother to pay attention to where I was going and I spent an hour running around in circles before I finally found him and promptly got gunned down.

There are puzzles to be solved and suspects to be pursued. This game may mostly be about interrogating people and analyzing clues but it does have its share of car chases. Fortunately, if you fail to complete an action scene too many times in a row, the game will give you the option of just skipping it. When you’re working with a partner and heading to a crime scene, that game also give you the option of telling your partner to drive to the location. That’s something I, being among the directionally challenged, appreciated.

However, if you do enjoy driving through a video game, L.A. Noire‘s recreation of Los Angeles in the 40s has much to recommend it. Driving through the game’s version of Los Angeles, you’ll find plenty of evidence of America’s post-World War II optimism. New houses are being constructed. Innocent young women are hanging out on every street corner, looking to become a star. The theater marquees advertise movies like Odd Man Out. All of the famous Hollywood landmarks are lovingly recreated. An early case leads to you searching for clues behind the Hollywood sign. Another case actually leads to a firefight at the old Intolerance set while yet another case tests how much attention you’ve been paying by requiring you to solve a series of riddles that will lead you from one landmark to another. In the tradition of Raymond Chandler and James Ellroy, L.A. Noire challenges you to take a look at what’s happening underneath Los Angeles’s pleasing surface.

As a game, L.A. Noire holds up well. I won’t hold my breath for that sequel that was promised seven years ago but I did enjoy replaying it.

Save The Goat!: Curse III: Blood Sacrifice (1991, directed by Sean Barton)

Posted on October 21, 2019 by Jedadiah Leland

Having absolutely nothing to do with either of the Curse films that preceded it, Curse III: Blood Sacrifice takes place in South Africa during the 1950s. American Elizabeth (Jenilee Harrison) has just married plantation owner Geoff Armstong (Andre Jacobs) and is still struggling to adjust to living in Africa. When her sister, Cindy (Jennifer Steyn), comes over for a visit, she and Elizabeth stumble across what appears to be a native ceremony. When they realize that the local witch doctor is about to sacrifice a goat, Cindy steps on and grabs the goat. Not happy at being interrupted and needing to make a sacriice to atone for an earlier murder, the witch doctor places a curse on Elizabeth and her entire family. Later, a rubbery fishman stalks the plantation, using a machete to kill every colonialist it comes across.

Curse III is the best of the Curse films, though that may not be saying much. The film is largely a standard slasher with a super natural twist, right down to the first victims being horny teens. However, both the setting and the 1950s time period make the film slightly more interesting than the usual 90s, direct-to-video horror fare, with the curse being the result of a cultural misunderstanding and many of the victims too blinded by their own prejudices to realize how much trouble they are in. Making what would turn out to be both his first and last film as a director, acclaimed editor Sean Barton showed that he knows how to put together an effective “stalking” scene, wringing out all the atmosphere that he could from that plantation. Best known for co-starring in the later seasons of Three’s Company, Jenilee Harrison is adequate if not particularly memorable in the lead role but the film is, not surprisingly, stolen by Christopher Lee, who plays a local doctor and who lends Curse III whatever gravitas it may have.

Game Review: The Last Half of Darkness (1989, SoftLab Laboratories)

Posted on October 21, 2019 by Jedadiah Leland

Today, I was planning to take a look back at L.A. Noire but, due to last night’s storms, I lost power right as I was about to start composing my thoughts. The power has since come back but, rather than do a rush job on one of my favorite games, I’m going to hold off on posting about L.A. Noire until tomorrow or Wednesday.

Instead, for today, I’ll recommend The Last Half of Darkness, a haunted house game that can be played at the Internet Archive. In The Last Half of Darkness, you are searching the home of your late aunt. Your aunt was a voodoo witch and you stand to inherit her considerable estate if you can finish the potions that she was working on and also solve the mystery of her death. To do that, you are going to have to go through and search her home. The problem is that you are not alone. Open the right door and you will find the secret to returning life to the dead. Open the wrong closet or cabinet and prepare to meet your fate at the fangs of a snake or the hands of an angry ghost.

The Last Half of Darkness is a challenging game that is also a lot of fun, assuming that you can get the hang of the game’s point-and-click interface. Instead of typing out your commands, you click on a list of options that are on the right side of the screen. You then have to click on the picture of whatever object you want to pick up or direction you want to head. It took me a while to get used to it but, once I did, it barely bothered me.

This is a good game, full of wit and atmosphere and puzzles that require some concentration but which are not impossible to solve. For those of you like me who sometimes need to cheat to win a game, here’s a helpful walk-through.

The game itself can be played by clicking here.

Who Watches The Watchmen: Unlawful Entry (1992, directed by Jonathan Kaplan)

Posted on October 20, 2019 by Jedadiah Leland

The upscale and complacent life of Michael and Karen Carr (Kurt Russell and Madeleine Stowe) is interrupted one night when a burglar breaks into their home via their skylight. The intruder briefly holds a knife to Karen’s throat before taking off. Shaken by the encounter, the Carrs are very happy when a seemingly friendly cop, Officer Pete Davis (Ray Liotta). offers to help them cut through all the red tape and get a security system installed in their house.

At first glance, Pete seems like the perfect cop but actually, he’s a mentally unstable fascist who quickly becomes obsessed with Karen. When Pete offers Michael his nightstick so that Michael can use it on the man who earlier broke into his house, Michael refuses. That’s all that Pete needs to see to decide that Michael’s not a real man and that Karen would be better off with him. Even after Michael orders Pete to stay away from his home, Pete continues to drop by so that he can spy on the couple. When Michael complains, Pete frames him by planting cocaine at his house. When Michael says that he’s innocent, no one believes him. Why would they? Pete’s a decorated cop who is keeping the streets safe. Michael is just a homeowner. While Michael sits in jail, the increasingly violent and unhinged Pete makes plans to make Karen his own.

“Who watches the watchmen?” as the old saying goes. Unlawful Entry is an efficient and no-nonsense thriller that was ahead of its time as far as its portrayal of a policeman abusing his authority is concerned. Jonathan Kaplan was trained in the Roger Corman school of filmmaking so he doesn’t waste any time getting to the story and he even finds a role for Dick Miller. Ray Liotta, fresh off of his performance in Goodfellas, is perfectly cast as the manipulative and misogynistic Pete while Kurt Russell is once again the ideal everyman. Madeleine Stowe, who was one of the best actresses of the 90s, does not get to do much beyond be menaced but she does it well. Whatever happened to Madeleine Stowe? Kurt Russell’s career is still going strong and Ray Liotta still appears regularly in gangster movies and Chantix commercials. Isn’t it about time for a Madeleine Stowe comeback?

Game Review: Eat Me (2017, Chandler Groover)

Posted on October 20, 2019 by Jedadiah Leland

Eat Me is both one of the strangest and most delicious text adventures that I’ve ever played.

You are a very hungry child being held captive in a dungeon. Fortunately, your manacles are very tasty. For that matter, so is the door to your cell, probably because it’s made out of a cheesecake. If you want to go for a more minimal meal, the skeleton of the prisoner who was in the cell before you is also available for snacking. In fact, as the player soon discovers, everything in this dungeon can be eaten. That includes the doors, the instruments of torture, the bodies of the other prisoners, and the guards. If you’re going to escape you better start eating.

There are a few things that stand out about Eat Me. One thing is that the solution to almost every problem is to eat. Some things are easier to eat than others but eating is always the safest way to go. The other is that it’s a very well-written game, with very tasty descriptions of each room, each object, each person, and, of course, each bite. Some of the descriptions are downright tasty while others are not something you should read on a full stomach. None of the NPCs in the game really want to be eaten but, in the end, it’s either you or them.

For those ready to start their meal, Eat Me can played online here.

Great Moments In Television History: Planet of the Apes The TV Series

Posted on October 20, 2019 by Jedadiah Leland

On September 13th, 1974, audiences that tuned into CBS saw the premiere of a new TV show with a familiar premise.

The episode opened with a spaceship crashing on an Earth-like planet. One of the astronauts was killed. Two of the astronauts — Alan Virdon (Ron Harper) and Peter Burke (James Naughton) — survived. Virdon and Burke discovered that the planet was inhabited by humans who, despite it being the year 3085, were living in medieval villages. The humans were kept in a state of serfdom by the Apes who ruled the planet. The Apes spoke English and had formed their own society of militaristic gorillas and scientific-minded chimpanzees. Looking through an old book, Virdon and Burke discovered that they had crash landed on Earth, far in the future!

You know the drill. Planet of the Apes was based on the famous series of films, with the first pilot episode featuring Virdon and Burke discovering in less than an hour what took Charlton Heston a journey into the forbidden zone to figure out. Because the humans had “blown it up,” the Earth was now ruled by Apes!

As fugitives from ape justice, Virdon and Burke spent the next fourteen episodes being pursued by the fanatical General Urko (Mark Lenard), who was determined to capture the two astronauts before they revealed that Apes had not always been the planet’s masters. Traveling with Virdon and Burke was a sympathetic chimpanzee named Galen (Roddy McDowall). Usually just one step ahead of Urko, Virdon, Burke, and Galen traveled from village to village, seeking a way to fix their spaceship so that they could escape the Planet of the Apes.

Planet of the Apes got off to a strong start with an exciting and concise first episode but the series quickly ran out of gas. Because Virdon, Burke, and Galen had to flee to a new village at the end of every episode, the show was never able to devote much time to exploring the most intriguing thing about the original Planet of the Apes films, the culture of a world where humans were subservient to apes. Because Virdon and Burke were largely interchangeable with little in the way of backstory or personality, the show very quickly ran out of a stories to tell. It didn’t take long for Planet of the Apes to start repeating itself with multiple episodes in which Virdon or Burke got involved in local village drama before Urko showed up and forced them to flee again.

There were some good moments, though. Probably the highlight of the series was the third episode of the series, The Trap. In this episode, Virdon, Burke, Galen, and Urko all reach the ruins of San Francisco at the same time. After an earthquake buries Burke and Urko in a subway tunnel, the two of them are forced to work together to survive. Burke and Urko make an unexpectedly good team and Urko seems like he’s on the verge of a change of heart when he spots an old poster for the San Francisco zoo, one that features a caged gorilla being gawked at by humans. Urko’s angry reaction to seeing the poster is well-acted by Mark Lenard and, for a few minutes, his obsession with capturing Virdon and Burke can be understood. It wouldn’t last but, in that moment, Urko went from being just another villain to being a complex character with his own clearly defined motivations.

The show also benefited from Roddy McDowall, who, by this point, was an expert at acting while wearing chimpanzee makeup. McDowall brought heart and humor to the role of Galen, even if he was too often treated like a servant by Burke and Virdon. Whenever the two humans were scared to go out in public, they sent Galen off to gather information. Galen did a good job but he still deserved better.

Finally, Planet of the Apes had one of the coolest opening title sequences of all time! Take a look:

Though cancelled after only 14 episodes, Planet of the Apes The Television Series lives on. Episodes can currently be seen on MeTV.

It’s No Westworld: Futureworld (1976, directed by Richard T. Heffron)

Posted on October 19, 2019 by Jedadiah Leland

Two years after the Westworld “incident,” (in which a group of robots malfunctioned and murdered hundreds of humans), Delos Amusement Park has reopened and is accepting guests. Westworld has been permanently shut down but guests can still go to Romanworld and Medeivalworld (despite the fact that it was in Medievalworld that the whole robot rebellion started in the first place). Delos has added two new worlds: Spaworld and Futureworld. Spaworld is a spa for people who want to think young and Futureworld is the world of the future, which looks much like 1976, the year that this film was made.

Two reporters, Chuck Browning (Peter Fonda) and Tracy Ballard (Blythe Danner), have been invited to cover the grand reopening of Delos and to hopefully generate some good publicity. Chuck, however, has reason to believe that there’s something sinister happening at Delos. While Tracy is busy fantasizing about Yul Brynner, Chuck discovers that Delos is using Futureworld to clone diplomats.

At the end of Futureworld, Peter Fonda gives everyone the finger and that’s really cool but otherwise, this is a forgettable sequel to Westworld. The whole point of the original Westworld was that the robots didn’t know they were robots but, in Futureworld, the robots not only know what they are but they’re also superfluous to the plot. There’s no robot revolution in Futureworld nor is there any of Crichton’s concerns about technology run amok. Instead, it’s all about clones and a predictable political conspiracy.

The main issue facing the makers of this film was how could they do a sequel to Michael Crichton’s unexpected hit when Westworld‘s main attraction, Yul Brynner’s robot gunslinger, was thoroughly destroyed at the end of the first film. It would not make any sense for anyone to have reactivated the robot. Their solution was to bring Brynner in for a cameo in which he appeared in one of Tracy’s dreams. Sadly, why they thought it was a good idea to have Tracy develop an erotic fixation on a killer robot and then, just as abruptly, abandon the idea is not for us to know. They would have been better off leaving Brynner out of the film entirely because his presence just reminds us that Futureworld is no Westworld.

Game Review: Suspended: A Cryogenic Nightmare (1983, Infocom)

Posted on October 19, 2019 by Jedadiah Leland

Welcome to the future. On the planet of Contra, an Earth colony is run by a self-maintaining system that is housed in a gigantic facility. The system is responsible for everything from transportation to keeping the weather hospitable for the colonists. You are at the center of the system. You have been placed in suspended animation so that your mind can serve as the Central Mentality that keeps the entire system from falling apart. It’s a job that’s meant to last for 500 years but the rewards are great.

Unfortunately, there’s been an earthquake and the complex has been damaged. Though you are still in suspended animation, you know that you have to repair the complex before the angry colonists shut you down. Since you’re in stasis, you have to direct five robots to do all the work. Each robot has its own “personality” and unique way of describing each room in the complex. You’ll have to figure out how to get the robots to work together before all of you get shut down permanently.

Suspended is one of the most difficult text adventures that I’ve ever played. Since each robot can only tell you certain things about each room in the facility, the game often depends on getting the right robots in the right room at the right time. If you can pull that off, the damage itself is often easy to fix but it’s not always easy to guess which robot will be useful in which situation. In typical Infocom fashion, there’s also a time limit to the game and making too many mistakes can make it impossible to get things done before time expires. For most players, winning this game will come down to trial-and-error and frequent saving. The game is so complex, though, that you feel really damn good when you actually manage to figure it all out.

Suspended can be found at various archival and abandonware sites online, including here.

Snakes On A Vacation: Curse II: The Bite (1989, directed by Frederico Prosperi)

Posted on October 18, 2019 by Jedadiah Leland

Clark (J. Eddie Peck) and his girlfriend, Lisa (Jill Schoelen), are vacationing in New Mexico. It’s a romantic getaway, except for all of the snakes. Clark manages to save Lisa from one snake through the use of his trusty rifle but then he himself gets bitten once they go to a motel. Luckily, traveling salesman Harry Morton (Jamie Farr!) has a suitcase that’s full of anti-snake venom antidotes. Unfortunately, the one that Harry gave to Clark doesn’t do much good because not only does the bite on Clark’s arm get worse but it starts to turn into a snake! In fact, his entire body is full of snakes, just trying to slither out! It’s a vacation from Hell as Lisa tries to find a cure for Clark, Clark tries to control his serpent-like instincts, and Harry tries to find the young couple so that they don’t sue him.

This is an unrelated sequel to a film called The Curse. In fact, it’s probable that this film was just called The Bite until the first Curse did slightly better at the box office than anyone expected. The two films share not a single character or plot point in common. There’s not really even a curse in this so-called sequel! Clark’s problems are all due to the snake being radioactive. (Once again, science is to blame.) It’s a typically cheesy, low-budget 80s horror film but it does have a few things to recommend it. The special effects range between being enjoyably cheap and effectively gross. Jamie Farr is entertaining as Harry Morton and seems to be happy to not be playing Klinger again. The truckers that Harry enlists to help him search for Lisa and Clark are all colorful characters and they are a little more interesting than the usual horror movie canon fodder. Bo Svenson also has a good cameo as the sheriff.

Best of all, the film features one the greatest scream queens of the late 80s and early 90s, Jill Schoelen. Schoelen is best remembered for her role in The Stepfather but she actually appeared in several horror movies between 1987 and 1993. As she was in almost all of her roles, Jill Schoelen is both sexy and believable in The Bite. She had a talent for making even the worse dialogue sound natural and that was a talent that The Bite gave her many chances to display.

The Bite is hardly a great film but, by the standards of late 80s cable fare, it’s undeniably entertaining.

Silent Hill Memories

Posted on October 18, 2019 by Jedadiah Leland

I was sixteen when Silent Hill first came out for the Playstation.

From the first minute I played it, I was hooked and Silent Hill would go on to become the first video game that I ever seriously got into. I would study the game. I would go online, in those early days of the world wide web, to read the theories of other players and visit the occasional Geocities-hosted fan page. I actually got very upset when innocent nurse Lisa Garland was lost to the town’s curse. I was also amazed to discover that the game’s storyline and ending could change depending on whether or not I saved Cybil Bennett. A video game with multiple endings that went beyond just “good” and “bad?” This was a big deal back in 1999!

Looking back after all these years, there are four main things that I remember about Silent Hill.

First off, and I know I’m not alone,I remembered the opening and especially the music that played during the scenes of Harry Mason driving down that foggy road:

Secondly, I remember the scenes that played after the game’s ending, which featured all of Silent Hill‘s characters blowing their lines, missing their cues, and laughing about it. Today the animation may look primitive but back in 1999, seeing this at least provided some comfort if you got one of the bad endings, especially the “bad” ending where you defeated the monster but your daughter died (“Thank you, Daddy … goodbye.”) and then you ended up dead in your car.

I remember the nearly legendary fifth ending of the game, in which Harry Mason ended up getting abducted by aliens. In the days before YouTube, when you had to trust word-of-mouth, there were some people who insisted that this ending was just an urban legend while there were others who couldn’t stop bragging about how they had gotten the alien ending while the rest of us just had to settle for the “saved the world and your daughter” ending. When I finally managed to get the UFO ending, I was so happy that I felt like I was the one who had been abducted by aliens.

Finally, the main thing I remember about Silent Hill is that I was never very good at it. I was the player who always ended up getting lost and walking around in a circle. I can’t remember how many times I played before I managed to not die in the diner. As soon as I heard the radio static that indicated that I was about to get attacked, I started to run because I know I wasn’t a good enough shot to fight off any of the game’s monsters. Harry Mason was searching for his daughter and I was probably the worst possible person to lead him in that search because I somehow always managed to get Harry killed. It didn’t matter how many times I played the game, I never really got good at it. Even when I finally managed to get the best ending possible, it was only after saving and reloading the game a countless number of times.

I may have never been good at the game but I still enjoyed leading Harry to his death and occasionally to one of the good endings. Silent Hill is what taught me that there was more to video games than just jumping and shooting and for that, I will be forever thankful.