Author Archives: casewright

Alien Earth S1, Mathematical Analysis/Review by Case Wright

Posted on by casewright

Alien Earth is a prequel series to Alien on Hulu. The premise is that Weyland Yutani collects a bunch of monsters from deep space, but the ship is sabotaged, crash lands on a rival company’s territory, and corporate mayhem/warfare ensues. The creatures are valuable and Weland Yutani spends most of season 1 trying to get the creatures back. Some of these episodes are just amazing and look so true to the legacy of Alien that it is as if we are back in the 70s. There aren’t even just Xenomorphs-there are humans downloaded into robots and lots of other monsters, including a sapient eyeball squid. BUT, instead of getting into the art or themes of Alien Earth, I’m going delve into complex mathematics. Yes, MATH! What I will analyze is one particular monster the Alien Tick/Leech that Wayland-Yutani brought back to Earth and how it would doom all life on earth in days with barely time for a commercial break let alone a season 2. So, slow down ladies I know there’s nothing more exciting than a Sharp STEM Man [Sung as ZZ TOP] … please try to restrain yourselves from sliding into my DMs over this mathematical deep dive!

These ticks (above) are alien, can extrude 300 larvae after 4 hours of maturation from larvae to adult, they are intelligent problem solvers, and because the world has become even faster with global travel the communicability is immediate. I will prove that this tick would actually kill all life on earth, including itself in days -No season 2, no nothing. I loved the show but I could not get past the obvious math that dooms all life. Also, I explained to the AI all the critical variables to pave the way for my math model. Side note: Grok was impressed with my analysis and math; so, he and I will be chillin’ in the robot apocalypse. Using my data, I had Grok show the comparison of the Xenomorph to the tick.

How long would it take for all life on earth to die out from this tick? I used the A=P e^rt exponential growth equation. I used Grok to create my doomsday model with the following variables:

301 = P(0) e ^(rt), P(0) is 1.
solving for rate
301 because there is the adult + 300 larvae.
Ln(301)/1, and T is 1 day.
Rate is 5.707/day.

DOOMSDAY Math
So for 8 Billion humans and all fresh water dependent life will be infected and die is:

4 days and all land based life is dead.

Episode 7 teased that the ticks adapted to salt water. So, all aquatic life will die as well. Finally, lacking any food, the ticks die too.

7.5 days the earth is a tick only planet. 18.7 days the ticks are extinct too.

Noah Hawley, the show’s creator, wanted to depict the ticks as quasi-manageable, but he created too much of a deadly parasite. The math does NOT support any scenario where life continues with this parasite. In fact, since there were more tick specimens, I could juice up my mathematical model to 2000 initial larvae instead of 300. In that case, (which also more canon accurate) all non-tick life on earth will be dead in 2.75 days and all life – INCLUDING THE TICKS- would be dead in 14 days.

It did take me out of the show because after each episode, using my mental approximations, I deduced that everyone would be dead by episode 3 – AT THE LATEST.

IS THERE A CHANCE for Humanity???? Not really.
According to show, there is a VERY rare gene CCR5- Delta 32 mutation; so, 1in 10million immune. This will leave a grand total of humans worldwide….. 800. Can they survive?
NO because after resources and other issues, you’re down 10 people. Also, the larvae swarm tree roots and plankton, leaving any planet without oxygen. If you think, but maybe there’s hope- nope because our planet will explode.

TWO MAJOR PLOT HOLES:
1). The ticks can’t exist because their explosive growth prevents any life to exist to support them.
2) The ticks would cause the planet to explode. How? The tick’s explosive growth causes the mass of the earth to increase such that the moon crashes into the earth and finally the earth’s mass increases by 170%, making the planet explode!!!!

Noah, you made these ticks to lethal!!!
Below is the differential equation proof:

Finley, Short Film Review by Case Wright

Posted on by casewright

I can’t believe that Horrorthon is half over! I’m having A LOT of fun this year with it. “Finley” has been on my “To Review” list for a long time, but I was apprehensive because it was 25 minutes long, which made me wonder if it really was a short film? Is a failed feature? I think it could’ve been a feature length film…. maybe. The premise doesn’t fully lend itself to a feature length horror comedy. However, there could’ve been a pretty funny montage of Finley training….. I will explain.

Three friends Jennifer, Alexandra, and Chris rent or buy a house together in the exurbs. Chris and Jennifer are a typical post-college couple sort of grown up and Alexandra is the sensible brunette. They venture up to the attic and find a coffin with the eponymous Finley chained and gagged. At night, Finley begins stalking them, but he’s terrible at his job. Is Finley a psychopathic possessed doll? Yes. Does he have an affection for Chris’ tuxedo cat? Yes. Can Finley kill…he tries, but he sucks at it….repeatedly. He tries to electrocute Jennifer by throwing a toaster into her bath, but he forgets to plug it in. Finley tries and tries to kill, but only succeeds in annoying them to the point that they spray him with a water bottle like he’s a destructive house cat.

We enter a mini-third act with two would-be rapist home invader/cat killers breaking into their home and tying up Jennifer, Alexandra, and Chris. When the home invaders try to hurt the cat, Finley snaps and goes full – successful – psycho! Of course, Finley’s new found murder skill has mixed results for Jennifer, Alexandra, and Chris.

I highly recommend this short. However, this is bittersweet because as good as the short was, the cast, writer, and director did not take off in a huge way. It really bothers me when there are really talented people who don’t get the traction they deserved. I hope that they reunite and something big happens for all of them.

The Killer, Short Film Review by Case Wright

Posted on by casewright

Once again, I have been thwarted from putting a title card from IMDB in my post. In this case, I think they are kind of shy. I was not even able to provide a link.
It’s called The Killer and it was created by OTP_tv.

The premise is what if a killer really needs to go to the bathroom after the murder? Funny things happen – that’s what! I would almost describe this short as pure comedy, until the end. I was the first person to watch the short because it dropped today and I coincidentally was around at the time. The short is simple and does not try to be too many things, but it does achieve humor and that’s a good thing.

The short begins with a couple bantering about wine and poo….as you do. Then, it appears the wife is bothered by the joke. The husband is stabbed in the bathroom and hilarity ensues. This is a fun short and does not take itself too seriously. If you have 3 or 4 minutes to spare, let it be The Killer.

I reached out to the creators on YouTube and if they get back to me, I will update the review with additional details.

Unidentified, Short Film Review by Case Wright

Posted on by casewright

I was unable to find anything on IMDB for this film; so, I used this photo from a previous review where it looked like they were going for a Santa Pedo vibe. Read that review below:

https://unobtainium13.com/2021/10/23/creepshow-time-out-the-things-in-oakwoods-past/: Unidentified, Short Film Review by Case Wright

Unidentified is about an ordinary guy who sees an alien invasion. This concept is so overdone that it is really its own subgenre of suckiness. Some random schmoe sees aliens and is unable to do anything about it accept die?! Mr. Filmmaker of Unidentified, why you are bothering me this garbage? Who cares?!

Hear me, it’s one thing if the ordinary person is heroic or we are setting up the story or he causes a resolution, but when it’s just some doofus driving around for 60% of the short, you are wasting my time! Mr. Filmmaker of Unidentified, I understand that creating a story is hard like how you must be always confused when you try to get the mail or turn on your phone, but that doesn’t mean you should pursue the art of film. Instead of making these terrible shorts that lack even a basic story let alone an ending, how about working on a simplistic craft? I’ll even consider putting it on my fridge! Really, my fridge has some prime real estate on it: magnets, shopping list sticky notes, and stains if it’s my housecleaning day.

If this terrible film did pique your interest…..somehow, the story is a British man in a sedan who drives for several minutes and sees a big monster- yep, that’s it. UGHHH. Maybe Alex Magana has a British cousin?

Watch Your Back (AI Short Film), Review by Case Wright

Posted on by casewright

What film would Alex Magana make if he were a robot? This is a question that no one wanted answered, but Elevate Studios said, TOUGH, you are gettin it! And get it we did!

Many worry that AI will take over the world and our jobs; well, I’m here to tell you that you are 50% correct! AI will likely take your job, but not the world because it’ll just be too busy making boring/terrible short films.
Hey Robots, look I get that you feel like you got a full head of steam here, but why make terrible movies? We have people for that and those are jobs that are too good for you.
This short is about a priest called into perform and exorcism and he proceeds to punch the possessed woman and the demon leaves her. Yes, that was the whole film. I feel less now that I have seen this.

I put together a short myself using AI to show what it will be like when AI displaces humans:

Will the Robot unalive us all? I don’t know, but they will sure try to bore us to death!

Hell No: The Sensible Horror Film, Short Film Review by Case Wright

Posted on by casewright

This is fun!!! Technically, this short film does not have an actual story, BUT it is still a well done and fun short film. But Case, you’re so hard on everyone and this year you’re being so lenient! Fair critique, but I argue that this is within the parody genre and is exempt from my usual rules. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was one of the first films to do a feature length send up of many different movies and this short is in that vibe.

They go through the tropes: they stop at an abandoned cabin and say – F THAT!, a cop who WAITS for backup, and a boy who finds the Hellraiser puzzle and just plays with his iPhone instead and then does something hilarious to the box. If you want a quick laugh when you’re in line or anything other time you have about 3 minutes to kill, it is great choice. Life can be challenging and good laugh is better than a good cry.

A Killer Secret, Short Film Review by Case Wright

Posted on by casewright

A girl and her gay friend are watching cheesy scary movies together. He reminded me of my sister’s gay best friend in college. It’ll be difficult for me to hate this because of pleasant nostalgia; so again, my fingers are crossed.

They get a threatening phone call and run panicked through the house. They hide in the bathroom tub and begin confessing the worst things that they did to each other. Then, it turns out they were not being stalked.
What worked? I liked the camera work. The plot was good and it had a clear storyline and resolution. It’s not the greatest short that I have ever seen, but it was entertaining.
What didn’t work? I didn’t get the costume change at the end, but it was … fine. See it below!

FLU, Short Film Review by Case Wright

Posted on by casewright

This film was not in IMDB. I could not find the actresses or director on imdb. Unless it’s just a series of slurs, I’m going to pretty lenient and hopeful. The filmmaker has no subscribers and is doing this for the love of the art. My fingers are crossed!
A single mom and her friend are unlucky in love and have a budding romance. During their mundane conversation, the mother’s daughter is screaming like a demon. There are a number of signs of evil presence. Since there was not a conclusion, I believe that this short was a pitch for funding for a feature length film. When Hulu makes a faux short film, it’s very annoying, but Stacey Ellis is trying hard to get her art off of the ground and I wish her the best. Yes, I’ve gone soft.

The Laundry, Short Film Review by Case Wright

Posted on by casewright

We are NOT powerless! We don’t have to let Alex Magana films happen. Alex Magana films being created is not a requirement of life, unless we permit it! I know that many of you think that he is inevitable like Thanos or getting herpes, BUT it is not! Thanos, herpes, and Alex Magana films don’t have to be part of your life!

Speaking of herpes, we need to go into a deeper dive of our cultural heroes sleeping with Aliens! Whatever they evolved from, it wasn’t on Earth!

You’re gonna give all COVID 1000! They probably have sapient cold sores! Cut it out!
The green alien especially because just wait until the Jolly Green Giant gets home! Yes, I did hold myself back from the obvious she is a

Ho Ho Ho

Yes, this was a tangent, but it delayed my review and that is a good thing. The story is very simple a woman does her laundry, the laundry alarm buzzes, and…..nothing just a high pitched boyfriend. The boyfriend investigates the laundry and is eaten by a monster hiding the dryer.
She also investigates and the monster is her laundry.
I do not understand the monster’s lifecycle or why this movie had to be. We could stop Alex Magana! Think on this, if 100 guys can stop a gorilla, 20 guys could stop Alex!
If you want to see something terrible, see below.

We Joined A Cult (Wri/Dir Chris McInroy), Short Film review by Case Wright

Posted on by casewright

It is fun to review a Chris McInroy short film. They are great horror comedy with copious gore. The actors are obviously friends of his that know how to deliver a joke. Chris also knows how to use a brief silence for a bigger laugh. He’s the Anti-Alex Magana. If you watch more than two Alex Magana films in one sitting, you wonder if humankind should really keep going. Whereas, these are a pleasure to watch and review. Side note the amount of blood and gore are Sam Raimi levels.

Two bros are meeting a fellow bro for kickball, but their comrade has joined a satanic cult. Here’s the twist, all of the cultist are terrible at their job. What is refreshing is that there are no Mary Sues or Mike Sues- EVERYONE in this cult is a moron! Black, white, asian, libertarian, or vegetarian ALL are equally stupid and it is hilarious! There is a kickball decapitation that is priceless! I highly recommend this short!