October Positivity: Holyman Undercover (dir by David A.R. White)


In 2010’s Holyman Undercover, David A.R. White plays Roy.  Roy is an 18 year-old Amish dude from Kansas.  It’s time for him to experience Rumspringa, a period in which he can live life amongst “the English” and decide whether or not he wants to commit to being Amish.  Roy decides to go Los Angeles so he can track down his uncle and work with him as a missionary.

Roy struggles in Los Angeles.  Giving money to one homeless man leads to him nearly getting mugged.  When he meets his uncle, he discovers that Brian (also played by David A.R. White) is now a struggling actor who has a taste for cocaine.  (Brian claims that he’s a holyman working undercover.)  Accompanying Brian to an audition leads to Roy getting cast as Satan on a primetime soap opera.  His wife is played by vapid supermodel Tiffany Towers (Jennifer Lyons).  Meanwhile, the show’s producer is a former country girl named Annie (Andrea Logan White) and soon, Roy is having fantasies about Annie dressing up like an Amish woman and dancing in a field with him.  However, the head of the network (Fred Willard) wants Roy to date Tiffany because it’ll be good publicity for the show.

Throughout it all, Roy remains innocent and confused about the modern world.  He’s never watched television.  He doesn’t know how to use a phone.  He doesn’t understand what a credit card is.  He’s earnest and honest to a fault and, even after Tiffany makes out with him, he continues to insist that he only has eyes for Annie.

Of course, in reality, I imagine that the typical Amish person knows how to use a phone.  I imagine that they probably also know what a television is and they probably even understand that you’re expected to pay your credit card debt.  The Amish may choose to reject a good deal of the modern world but that doesn’t mean that they don’t know what the modern world is.  But this film isn’t meant to be a realistic portrayal of the Amish or of Hollywood or of really anything.

Indeed, I’m not really sure what to make of this film.  It’s faith-based and it ends with Roy delivering a simple message about loving others but the film’s humor is often rather mean-spirited and there’s several jokes that are more than a little racist and homophobic.  (Japanese tourists take pictures while shouting, “Godzilla!”  When Brian ends up in jail, his cellmate is a hulking black man who says his name is Beef because “it’s what’s for dinner.”)  David A.R. White is not bad as Roy but his performance as Brian is incredibly shrill and there’s really no reason, beyond ego, for director White to have cast himself in both roles.

Probably the best thing that one can say about the film is that the name actors — Fred Willard, Clint Howard, Edie McClurg, and Staci Keanan — all manage to survive with their dignity intact.  Indeed, the highlight of the film is, believe it or not, John Schneider earnestly playing himself as the actor who replaces Roy as Satan and who then promptly launches a presidential campaign.  “The country’s going to Hell anyway!” he says, with just the right amount of self-awareness.

Interestingly enough, the film does end with one particularly prophetic scene, as Roy and Annie leave Hollywood to produce an Amish dating show.  Tiffany moves with them to the farm and a group of Amish men compete for her hand in marriage.  Farmer Wants A Wife, anyone?

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi: The Next Generation 1.9 “Coming of Age”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi: The Next Generation, which aired from 2001 to 2015!  The series can be streamed on YouTube and Tubi.

Whatever it takes, I know I can make it through….

Episode 1.9 “Coming of Age”

(Dir by Bruce MacDonald, originally aired on Mary 13th, 2002)

Degrassi: The Next Generation‘s slogan used to be “Degrassi goes there!” and that’s certainly the case with this week’s episode.  Emma goes from being irrationally annoyed by Sean and Manny to crying while watching a documentary about space.  Spike decides to cheer her up by taking her to the mall.  After Spike tells off a random man who makes a misogynistic comment (Go Spike!), she buys Emma a new white skirt to help her get over her depression.

(Awww!  My mom used to do the same thing for me whenever I was depressed.)

The next day, Emma wears that cute, bright white skirt to school.

And gets her first period.

This episode is a good reminder of why you never wear white when your period is coming.  It’s also a good reminder that your period is nothing to be ashamed of, which is something that we shouldn’t have to be reminded of but, unfortunately, we sometimes do.  When Emma delivers her book report while wearing oversized gym shorts, JT makes a dumb comment asking if Emma had an accident.  Emma replies that “No, I just got my period for the first time …. it happens to 50% of the population.  Perfectly natural, nothing to be ashamed of.”  Woo hoo!  You tell ’em, Emma!  And seriously, go to Hell, JT.  No wonder you’re going to end up dying in another 5 seasons.

Seriously, Emma’s character usually annoys me to death (and, in later episodes, you’ll see why) but she rocks in this episode.  But you know who is really cool in this episode?  Paige, who comes to Emma’s rescue with a pad and assures her that coming of age is no big deal.

As for the other storyline …. eh.  It’s another boring Ashley/Jimmy storyline.  Jimmy’s parents are professionals who are too busy working to make dinner for their son.  So, Jimmy has been hanging out at Ashley’s house.  Ashley gets tired of her boyfriend always being around.  When Toby overhears Ashley whining to her mother about Jimmy always being at the house, he tells Jimmy.

Did I mention that it’s Jimmy’s birthday?

Long story short, Jimmy breaks up with Ashley and ends up spending his birthday alone, eating pizza.  Oh my God!  That’s so sad!  Seriously, couldn’t he at least have gotten Spinner to come over and split a Ritalin with him?  But, the next day, he and Ashley get back together.  This will be a recurring theme through Jimmy and Ashley’s time on Degrassi so get ready for a lot of break-ups and make-ups.

(I still found it funny that part of Ashley’s issue with Jimmy hanging out at the house was that he was bonding with Toby.  I can only imagine how Toby feels about having Terri basically living in the room next to his.  This season, it’s hard not to notice that Terri is always following Ashley around.  Eventually, in the third season, Terri will get a boyfriend and a life outside of being Ashley and Paige’s servant.  Unfortunately, Terri’s boyfriend will eventually end up leaving her with serious brain damage before shooting Jimmy in the back….)

And remember — Degrassi goes there!

So, I Watched The Descent Part 2 (2009, Dir. by Jon Harris)


The Descent Part 2: Back to the Cave!

That’s what I would have called it.

Sarah (Shauna Macdonald) goes back to the caves that she barely escaped from during the first Descent to help the police look for the remains of her friends.  Sarah is suspected of killing all of them so I don’t think the police would have gone into a narrow cave with her.  Sarah was also traumatized by what happened in the cave so I don’t think she would voluntarily go back down there either.  As soon as they enter the cave, they get attacked by the crawlers.  What did they think would happen?

I loved the first Descent because it was a horror film that featured interesting and multi-layered women who weren’t just put on screen to be whimpering victims.  When I watched The Descent, I was just as invested in the personal drama as I was the horror in the caves.  I also liked that the first Descent left it open to interpretation about what actually happened in the cave.  The sequel didn’t really do that and it also didn’t add anything to the story.  Juno (Natalie Mendoza) returns but I’m not sure how considering what happened during the first movie.

The Descent Part 2 also shows a lot more of the crawlers than the first film did.  They’re much more visible and much more busy but they aren’t as scary once you can actually see them.  Plus revealing the crawlers as much as this movie does also ruins the ambiguity that I loved about the first Descent.

The Descent Part 2: More Splatter, Less Heart.

I should get a job writing tag lines.

 

Moments #26: Invasion of the Dolls


by Erin Nicole

I don’t know why some people think that dolls are creepy.  These dolls, which were originally from my mother’s collection, have been sitting on the dining room curio cabinet for years and I’ve never seen them move once.

Except for the one with the blonde curls and the black dress.

Previous Moments:

  1. My Dolphin by Case Wright
  2. His Name Was Zac by Lisa Marie Bowman
  3. The Neighborhood, This Morning by Erin Nicole
  4. The Neighborhood, This Afternoon by Erin Nicole
  5. Walking In The Rain by Erin Nicole
  6. The Abandoned RV by Erin Nicole
  7. A Visit To The Cemetery by Erin Nicole
  8. The Woman In The Hallway by Lisa Marie Bowman
  9. Visiting Another Cemetery by Erin Nicole
  10. The Alley Series by Erin Nicole
  11. Exploring The Red House by Erin Nicole
  12. The Halloween That Nearly Wasn’t by Erin Nicole
  13. Watchers and Followers by Erin Nicole
  14. Visitors by Erin Nicole
  15. Fighting by Case Wright
  16. Walking In The Fog by Erin Nicole
  17. A Spider Does What It Can by Erin Nicole
  18. Downtown Richardson, In The Rain by Erin Nicole
  19. Me, our kids, and ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD! by Bradley Crain
  20. The Statues of SMU by Erin Nicole
  21. Exploring the Back Yard Of An Abandoned House by Erin Nicole
  22. The Ugly Old Swing by Erin Nicole
  23. The Fourth of July In My Town by Erin Nicole
  24. A 4th of July Tradition: Blurry Firework Pictures! by Erin Nicole
  25. That Doll by Erin Nicole

Go Seattle!


Congratulations to the Seattle Mariners!  Tonight, they defeated the Blue Jays and won Game One of the American League Championship Series!

I know that I never thought I’d be cheering for Seattle but I’ll support any team that keeps the Blue Jays out of the World Series!  Keep it up, Seattle!  Your three games away from the pennant!

The final score was Mariners 3, Blue Jays 1.

As for the National League Championship, it’s the Brewers vs the Dodgers and I don’t care who wins as long as they can beat Seattle in the World Series!

Horror on TV: Highway to Heaven 4.5 “I Was A Middle-Aged Werewolf” (dir by Michael Landon)


Since we’ve been talking about werewolves today, I decided to take a one-night break from Hammer House of Horror and share this Halloween-themed episode of Highway to Heaven.  Michael Landon recreates his role as the Teenage Werewolf and scares Mark half to death.  He also helps a kid play some tricks and get some treats.

This originally aired on October 28th, 1987.  The series was a bit silly but this episode is kind of fun.  Keep an eye out for Michael Berryman!

Doctor Who — Pyramids of Mars (1975, directed by Paddy Russell)


Did you ever wonder who built the pyramids of Egypt?

It was the aliens, of course!

In 1911, Dr. Marcus Scarman (Bernhard Archard) excavates a pyramid.  When he enters a room that has the Eye of Horus over the doorway, he is hit by a beam of light.

Months later, The Doctor (Tom Baker) and Sarah Jane (Elisabeth Slader) materialize at the Scarman Estate in England.  They run into Dr. Scarman’s friend, Dr. Warlock  (Peter Copley).  (Dr. Warlock?  Really?)  Warlock explains that Scarman has been missing every since he went to Egypt and that his estate is now occupied by a mysterious man named Namin (Peter Maycock).

Namin is eagerly waiting the arrival of Sutekh (Gabriel Woolf), who Namin thinks is an ancient Egyptian god but who is actually the last-surviving member of the Osirian alien race.  The Osirians imprisoned Sutekh on a temple on Mars but Sutekh has taken over the body of Scarman and is using him to construct a missile that will free Sutekh from his Martian prison.  The possessed Scarman returns his estate, kills Namin, and gets to work.

Pyramids of Mars takes the usual Doctor Who themes of aliens and time travel and mixed them with mummies and ancient Egyptian curses.  This serial doesn’t skimp on the horror.  Sutekh tries to strangle almost everyone he meets and, once the Doctor and Sarah reach Mars, there’s plenty of scenes of mummies come to life and stalking pyramind to appeal to the most discerning of viewers.  Pyramids of Mars is one of the Doctor Who episodes that is perfect for October!

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (1985, directed by Hector Olivera)


The kingdom has been conquered by an evil sorcerer named Shurka (Thom Christopher).  Young Simon (Vidal Peterson), the son of the king’s wizard, barely escapes with his best friend and pet, the white fur-covered Gufax (Eugenio Martin).  In the wilderness, they meet warrior Kor (Bo Svenson), who teams up with them to free the kingdom.

This is another Roger Corman-produced sword and sorcery film from Argentina.  Corman did a lot of these in the 80s.  Wizards of the Lost Kingdom stands out by being considerably more kid-friendly than the rest of them.  There’s no nudity.  The violence is not excessive and is largely directed at fake looking giant insects.  There’s no nudity and no scenes of the bad guys forcing themselves on women.  The hero even has a toy-friendly companion!

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom also has a lot of stock footage.  The entire pre-title sequence is stock footage lifted from movies like Death Stalker to explain how “King Tyler” came to control the kingdom.  (King Tyler sounds like someone who would be the kegger king of the local college.)  Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is a short movie with a barely 72-minute run-time.  Fourteen of those minutes is footage from other movies.

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom takes a lighter approach to the sword-and-sorcery genre and it pays off with a simple and easy-to-watch movie featuring swords, magic, and monstrous insects.  It’s not a film that demands much of the audience and Bo Svenson looks convincing grunting and carrying a sword.  It wasn’t a box office hit but found a second life on video.  Of course, it got a sequel.  None of the original cast returned.

Doctor Who — The Ark In Space, The Sontaran Experiment, Genesis of the Daleks, Revenge of the Cybermen, Terror of the Zygons


The 12th season of Doctor Who got off to a shaky start with Robot, a serial that was ultimately distinguished only by the introduction of Tom Baker as the Fourth Doctor.  The best thing about Robot is that it ended with The Fourth Doctor peeking out of the TARDIS and inviting Sarah Jane Smith (Elisabeth Sladen) and Harry Sullivan (Ian Marter) to join him on his further adventures.  By inviting them, he was inviting the audience as well.

The remaining episodes of the 12th season not only established Tom Baker as the Doctor but it also reestablished Doctor Who as being a show about an alien who could travel through time and space.  After several seasons of The Third Doctor largely staying on Earth and in the present, the 12th Season reminded everyone that the Doctor could turn up anywhere.

The Ark In Space (1975, directed by Rodney Bennett)

The first place that the Doctor takes Sarah and Harry is to Nerva, a space station that floating above the Earth.  The time is 10,000 years into the future.  Forced to flee the Earth due to solar flares, the crew of the space station has spent a millennia in suspended animation.  During that time, the space station has been invaded by the Wirm, a space insect that has laid its eggs in some of the crewmen.  When everyone is revived, the infected crewmen are transformed into creatures that are half-human and half-insect.

The Ark in Space is a classic space opera.  When I was a kid and our PBS station first started to broadcast Doctor Who, they started with a four-hour bloc, which included Robot, The Ark In Space, and The Sontaran Experiment.  After Robot, with its basic plot and bad special effects, it was a relief to then see The Ark In Space, a serial that lived up to all of the Doctor Who hype.  Not only did Tom Baker fully step into the role of the eccentric Fourth Doctor but this serial also featured Elisabeth Sladen and Ian Marter in active roles as well.  This serial said that the days of the passive companion were (temporarily) over.

The plot of The Ark in Space does have some similarities to Alien, which came out for years later.  I think that’s probably just a coincidence.

The Sontaran Experiment (1975, directed by Rodney Bennett)

Having defeated the Wirm and saved the remaining colonists on the Ark, The Doctor, Harry, and Sarah transport down to Earth to repair a receiver terminal.  They discover that the Earth is not as deserted as they assumed.  A group of human astronauts returned to the planet earlier but they were captured by Styre (Kevin Lindsay), a Sontaran who has been sent to Earth to prepare it for an invasion so that the Sontarans can use the planet as an outpost in their never ending war with the Rutans.

This serial was only two episodes long but The Sontarans were always good villains.  They’re relentless, destructive, and very, very stupid.  This story featured one of Tom Baker’s best moments, when he convinced Styre to throw away his weapon because it made him look weak.  Styre fell for it because Sontarans will fall for anything.

Genesis of the Daleks (1975, directed by David Maloney)

This is it.  This is the first true classic of the Tom Baker era and also the best of the classic Dalek stories.  Terry Nation was invited back to Doctor Who to write about his most famous creations and he created one of the show’s most enduring villains in the process.

A Time Lord appears to the Doctor and his companions and tells them that they need The Doctor to change history.  (This goes against all Time Lord law, which is why they gave the job to a known renegade like The Doctor.)  The Daleks have been determined to be too much of a threat.  The Doctor is to go back to the time of their creation and “interfere.”

The Doctor, Harry, and Sarah Jane find themselves on Skaro, where the war between the Thals and the Kaleds have left the planet ravaged and inhospitable.  The Thals and the Kaleds each live in a domed city and spend their days shooting missiles at each other.  Terry Nation often said that the Daleks were meant to be a stand-in for the Nazis and he makes that clear in this episode with the Kaleds wearing SS-style uniforms and spouting theories about racial superiority.

In this episode, Nation introduces Davros (Michael Wisher), the horribly scarred and crippled scientist who will ultimately be responsible for transforming the Kaleds into the Daleks.  (The Kaleds who don’t want to be Daleks are wiped out by those who do.)  Davros would appear in every subsequent Dalek episode of classic era Doctor Who and his effectiveness would be diluted by repetition.  In his first appearance, though, he immediately establishes himself as a frightening and truly evil Doctor Who villain.  If their first appearance suggested that the Daleks retreated into the shells for survival in their nuclear-ravaged world, this episode shows that it more about Davros wanting to play God.

A six-episode serial, Genesis of the Daleks more than justifies its epic length.  The heart of the serial is a moment when the Doctor, on the verge of wiping out the Daleks forever, stops to wonder if he has the right to do so.  This was a key moment in the development of The Fourth Doctor.  The Fourth Doctor may have been an eccentric but he was an eccentric with a conscience who realized that even the worst creatures deserved a chance at redemption.  In the end, The Doctor does not destroy the Daleks, though he does set back their evolution by an undetermined number of years.  As the Doctor explains it, good will always rise up to counter the evil of the Daleks.

This episode features the apparent destruction of Davros but you can never keep a good villain down.  Both Davros and his creations would return.

Revenge of the Cybermen (1975, directed by Michael Briant)

After a classic Dalek story, I guess it was inevitable that Doctor Who would feature a Cyberman episode.

Following the events of Genesis of the Daleks, the Time Lords return The Doctor, Sarah Jane, and Harry to the Nerva space station.  They arrive several centuries before the events in The Ark In Space.  Without the TARDIS (it’s traveling back through time to meet them), The Doctor and his companions discover that the majority of Nerva’s crew is dead and that the remaining members are using the station as a space beacon to warn people about a drifting planetoid.  The planetoid is made of gold and the Cybermen show up at Nerva because, being uniquely vulnerable to gold dust, they want to destroy it.

If Genesis of the Daleks re-imagined the Daleks, Attack of the Cybermen proves to be just a typical Cybermen story and a disappointing one.  The best thing about this episode is that it gave Tom Baker a chance to once again prove his Doctor bonafides by defeating a classic Doctor Who villain.

Terror of the Zygons (1975, directed by Douglas Camfield)

Terror of the Zygons was the first seral of the thirteenth season but, since it’s also Harry Sullivan’s final appearance as a regular member of the TARDIS crew (though he would return in a later episode for a one-off appearance), it still feels like a twelfth season episode.

Having been reunited with the TARDIS, the Doctor, Sarah Jane, and Harry return to present-day Earth.  The Brigadier (Nicholas Courtney) and UNIT are investigating attacks on oil rigs by a giant sea creature.  Sea Devils, again?  No, this time it’s the Zygons, who are far less sympathetic.

This was a typical UNIT story, the type of thing that Jon Pertwee did regularly.  Tom Baker’s more mischievous version of the Doctor feels slightly out-of-place with UNIT but it is still a pleasure to see Nicholas Courtney and John Levene again and this episode finally explains what everyone has been seeing in Loch Ness over the years.  This episode ends with Harry returning to UNIT while Sarah Jane and the Doctor returned the TARDIS.  Harry Sullivan was a strong character and producer Philip Hinchcliffe later said it was a mistake to write him out of the series.

Ian Marter, who played Harry Sullivan, continued to be associated with Doctor Who as one of the better writers of the Doctor Who novelizations.  He also wrote two stand-alone novels featuring Harry’s adventures without the Doctor.  Ian Marter died of a heart attack when he was just 42 but Harry Sullivan lived on, frequently being mentioned in both the classic series and the revival.

That’s it for the 12th season, the season that truly made Tom Baker the Doctor and which was one of the best of the classic series.  As these were the first episodes of Doctor Who that I ever saw, I have a lot of nostalgia for them.  The Ark In Space, The Sonatarn Experiment, Genesis of the Daleks, and even Terror of the Zygons still hold up well to this day.

 

Retro Television Review: Homicide: Life On The Street 4.10 “Full Moon”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing Homicide: Life On The Street, which aired from 1993 to 1999, on NBC!  It  can be viewed on Peacock.

This week, Kellerman and Lewis head to a motel.

Episode 4.10 “Full Moon”

(Directed by Leslie Libman and Larry Williams, originally aired on April 5th, 1996)

If you go back and look over my reviews of Homicide, you might notice that the dates don’t always add up.  Last week’s episode aired at the start of January of 1996.  This week’s episode aired in April.  That’s because, when this show originally aired on NBC, the network did not adhere to the production order.  For instance, the show’s producers intended for Blue Moon to be the 10th episode of season 4.  NBC, however, decided to air it later in the season, as the 17th episode..  For the purposes of these reviews, I am following the production order as opposed to NBC’s order.

(Production order is also the order the was used when Homicide was released on DVD,)

As for this episode, it’s a bit of a change of pace.  For one thing, the episode centers on Lewis and Kellerman, with some assistance from John Munch.  The rest of the squad goes unseen as Lewis and Kellerman investigate a murder at a cheap motel on the outskirts of the Baltimore city limits.  As a result, the vibe of this episode is a bit less intense than the Pembleton/Bayliss episodes.  Lewis and Kellerman were far different detectives from Pembleton and Bayliss.  Whereas Pembleton and, at times, Bayliss often seemed to be on a holy crusade, Lewis and Kellerman were just doing their job.

That works for this episode, which is really more of a mood piece than a typical detective show.  An ex-con is shot and killed at a motel.  Lewis and Kellerman investigate the crime and meet the collection of eccentrics who work and live at the motel.  A large family of illegal immigrants lives in one small room.  A prostitute swims naked in the pool.  (Of course, Kellerman finds time to talk to her.)  The motel night clerk is studying for a better life.  The Reverend Horton Heat appears as a preacher.  The victim’s next door neighbor is an ex-con who stays at the motel because it feels like a prison.  This episode is full of slow and moody images and it’s far more of an examination of life on the fringes than a standard episode of Homicide.

Lewis does talk about his youth, growing up in the projects of Baltimore.  At the end of the show, he watches as the apartment building where he grew up is destroyed by controlled demolition.  The watching crowd cheers.  Lewis says, “Wow,” and then grabs a brick.  Meanwhile, the desperate characters at the motel go on with their eccentric lives.

This episode was a welcome change-of-pace, a noirish mood piece that showcased the teamwork of Clark Johnson and Reed Diamond as Lewis and Kellerman.  After the intensity of the sniper storyline, it was nice to just sit under the moon and watch things unfold.