Monthly Archives: September 2024

Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 1.8 “Two ‘Man’ Bowling”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Ugh.  I guess it’s time to get back to this stupid show.

Episode 1.8 “Two ‘Man’ Bowling”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on November 29th, 1998)

The local bowling alley has got a tournament coming up.  The grand prize is a jet ski!  Woo hoo!  Jason Collins really wants to win that jet ski and defeat Louie (Jose Urbina).  In fact, Jason even bets all of Scott’s tip money that he’ll be able to win the tournament.  (Why Scott’s tip money?  Because Louie spots the jar on the counter at the restaurant and assumes that it’s Jason’s tip money.  God, this show is freaking stupid.)  It’s a good thing that Jason is dating Stads, the best bowler in Malibu.

Except …. IT’S A TWO MAN BOWLING TOURNAMENT!  NO WOMEN ALLOWED!

Like seriously, what the Hell?  Both Stads and Sam are outraged by the blatant sexism but Jason is more worried about that jet ski and his brother’s tip money.  He recruits Scott to be his partner but then Scott sprains his wrist when it gets caught in a dollhouse that has been refurbished into a big mouse trap because there’s a mouse loose at the restaurant and…. God, this show is freaking stupid.

Anyway, Stads puts on a fake beard and wears a loose flannel shirt and speaks in a deep voice and pretends to be a guy named Earl.  Jason and “Earl” win the tournament but Melody (Marissa Jaret Winokur) develops a crush on Earl and asks him on a date.  Because Melody’s father own the bowling alley, Stads has to go on the date or else Jason won’t win his jet ski.  Huh?

Since Stads is not a total sociopath, she reveals the truth to Melody at the awards tournament.  (Actually, the truth comes out because Jason accidentally pulls off Stads’s wig but Stads was planning on coming clear regardless.)  At first, it appears that Jason and Stads are going to be disqualified but then the owner of the bowling alley decides to change the rules after the tournament has ended and, as a result, Jason and Scott win a jet ski and hey, maybe Stads will get to ride it as well.

(Seriously, Stads …. YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER!)

Meanwhile, there’s a mouse loose in the restaurant and instead of following health code regulations and closing the place down, Peter says that Murray and Sam have a day to catch it before he calls in the exterminator.  It’s dumb but I have to admit that I did kind of smile at Murray, Sam, and Tracy’s enthusiasm when it came to hunting the mouse.  They were enjoyably silly.

For the most part, though, this was a pretty freaking stupid episode that felt as if it was pieced together with plotlines and jokes that were left over from Saved By The Bell and California Dreams.  As I’ve said before, this show wouldn’t be so bad if Jason and Scott weren’t total jerks but they are.  One guy with a smirk is intriguing but two guys with a smirk feels like a threat.  I hope their jet ski sinks.

Music Video of the Day: Something To Believe In by Ramones (1986, dir by Preacher Ewing and Bill Fishman)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Wow, I had know idea that the Ramones were in it.

This video, obviously, is a parody of star-studded charity events, which were apparently as big a deal in the 80s and they are in the 20s.  Amongst those supporting the band are Toni Basil, X, Weird Al Yankovic, Ted Nugent, Penn and Teller, Harry Shearer, and the band’s Rock and Roll High School co-star, Mary Woronov!

(Do you all remember the whole U.S. Red Nose Day fiasco?  I know it’s a big deal in the UK but it’s never really caught in here in the States.  For the first American Red Nose Day, all three networks surrendered prime time to Red Nose Day and the ratings reflected the fact that 1) most Americans, despite all of the very aggressive advertising, still had no idea what Red Nose Day was and 2) gone were the days when people would watch anything as long as it was on the “major” networks.)

Enjoy!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.12 “Museum Hearts”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

Wow, it’s been more than a little while since I last reviewed an episode of Monsters!  Well, it’s time to get back to it!  Like most anthology series, Monsters can be frustratingly uneven but occasionally, the viewer does get lucky with a really good episode.  Take this week, for instance….

Episode 2.12 “Museum Hearts”

(Dir by Theodore Gershuny, originally aired on January 7th, 1990)

Cheryl (Louise Roberts) comes to the natural history museum to see her husband, Danny (Patrick Breen).  Danny, one of the museum’s curators, said he would be working late in the basement but, as Cheryl discovers, Danny is actually in basement cheating on her with Edwina (Sarah Trigger).

However, the three of them have an even bigger problem that Danny’s infidelity.  While they’re busy arguing in the basement, the museum closes and all the doors are locked.  Danny’s suggestion is that they spend the night having a threesome.  Cheryl’s suggestion is that Danny find a way to get them out of the basement.

Attempting to reach a high window, dumbass Danny climbs on top of ancient coffin.  His foot goes through the wood.  Danny not only cuts open his ankle but he also steps on the mummified remains of Cerridwen (Pamela Dean Kelly), a Druid priestess.  His foot goes through her chest, revealing her heart.  Danny decides that it would be a good idea to grab the heart and take it as a souvenir.  Cerridwen, who is not quite dead, is not happy about that idea.

At first, Danny, Cheryl, and Edwina are terrified about the idea of being stuck with a mummy.  But it turns out that Cerridwen hates cheating men like Danny.  Cheryl and Edwina proceed to sacrifice Danny, allowing Cerridwen to revert back to her youthful appearance.  The three women leave the museum together.

So far, Monsters has been a rather uneven series but I really liked this episode.  A lot of that is due to Theodore Gershuny’s direction.  Gershuny also directed one of my favorite grindhouse films, Silent Night Bloody Night.  Just as in that film, Gershuny creates an ominous and dream-like atmosphere that goes a long way towards making up for the fact that episode’s story is rather predictable.  Fortunately, Danny is such a sleaze that it’s impossible not take some joy out of him getting his macabre comeuppance.  I liked the fact that all three of the women worked together rather than allowing Danny to turn them against one another.  Instead of getting mad at Edwina, Cheryl put the blame for Danny’s infidelity right where it belonged, on Danny.

This was a good episode with a good message.  Don’t mess around in the basement of a museum because you never know what you might find down there.  And, for the love of God, don’t step on a mummy’s chest.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.21 “Clothes Make The Girl/Black Sheep/Hometown Girl”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time for another cruise on …. THE LOVE BOAT!

Episode 4.21 “Clothes Make The Girl/Black Sheep/Hometown Girl”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on February 28th, 1981)

This week’s cruise is all about money!

For instance, in this episode, we learn that Doc Bricker is from a small town called Cedar Flats.  Doc was the head of a committee that raised the money necessary to send Mike Lucas (Randy Powell) to medical school so that Mike could return home and serve as the town doctor.  However, when Mike boards the cruise with his fiancée, Tracy (Cindy Morgan), it turns out that he has some bad news.  Tracy’s wealthy father has offered Mike a job working at a Park Avenue clinic in Manhattan.  Mike is planning on taking the job because of the money and the fact that Tracy doesn’t want to live in a small town.  Unfortunately, that will leave Cedar Flats without a doctor.

Doc Bricker, showing that he actually is a man of integrity despite also being a walking HR nightmare, decides that he has no choice but to return to Cedar Flats and serve as their doctor until someone can be found to replace him.  He asks Captain Stubing for a six-month leave of absence.  Stubing agrees but warns that the cruise line might hire someone to take Doc’s place.

Meanwhile, Suzy Marshall (Kyle Aletter) is excited because it appears that her daughter, Anne (Lee Meriwether), has attracted the attention of a wealthy man named Jonathan (Larry Breeding).  Little do they know that Jonathan is actually just Johnny, the ship’s valet.  Johnny is wearing another passenger’s clothes and pretending to be rich.

At one point, Johnny takes Anne back to his cabin, making this the first episode to show us what a low-level employee’s cabin looks like.  It’s small and cramped and located at the bottom the boat, which means it’ll be the first to flood if The Love Boat ever hits an iceberg.  It’s also mentioned that Johnny is not allowed to eat in the main dining room with the passengers.  I have to admit that it’s all a bit disillusioning.  Apparently, the Love Boat is a terrible place to work!

Finally, a passenger named Donald Gray (Robert Ginty) tells the Captain that he works for the Secret Service.  He is on the Love Boat because he hopes to capture a notorious counterfeiter.  But what will happen when that counterfeiter turns out to be Jesse (Demond Wilson), Issac’s ne’er-do-well uncle who claims to have turned a new leaf?  Poor Isaac!

Well, don’t worry.  Everything works out:

1) Mike realizes that he has to honor his commitment to Cedar Flats and, after talking to her father, Cindy realizes that she loves Mike enough that she can be happy in a small town.  (Cindy’s father says some very dismissive things about Cedar Flats but it turns out that he was only doing that to get Mike so outraged that he would have no choice but to return home.  He was doing it as a favor to Doc Bricker.  Can you imagine if that plan didn’t work?  What if Mike just said, “You’re right!  New York, here we come!”)

2) Anne learns the truth when she sees Johnny in his valet uniform.  Luckily, she doesn’t care.

3) It turns out that Donald is actually a criminal who is masquerading as a treasury agent and Uncle Jesse is an undercover government agent!  Isaac is happy to learn this but also agrees to keep Jesse’s secret.  “You’re my favorite nephew,” Uncle Jesse replies.  Awwwww!

This was an okay cruise.  The guest stars weren’t particularly interesting but Bernie Kopell and Ted Lange both got an opportunity to show what they could do when given a real storyline to deal with.  Kopell especially deserves a lot of credit for showing that humanity that lurked underneath Doc’s carefree surface.  This episode kept me entertained and I enjoyed the scenery.  Really, what else can you ask for from The Love Boat?

Jack Black and Jason Momoa in the teaser for A Minecraft Movie!

Posted on by Leonard Wilson

Much like Fortnite, Minecraft is a game that everyone has either played or at least seen if they’ve kids in their vicinity. It’s basically a low resolution world building game where you face off against sprite skeletons and spiders if you either dig too deep underground or hang outside at night. It can be pretty fun, and is available on every platform from computers to the Nintendo Switch.

Jack Black seems like he’s out to cover every Video Game there is. With Super Mario Bros. and Borderlands under his belt, A Minecraft Movie is his next target. He’s not alone, though. Joining him are Jason Momoa (Fast X), Emma Myers (Netflix’s Wednesday), Emmy Winner Jennifer Coolidge (HBO’s The White Lotus), and Danielle Brooks (DC’s Peacemaker).

A Minecraft Movie will be in cinemas next April.

Music Video of the Day: Big Black X by X (2024, dir by Shane McKenzie and Gilbert Trejo)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

X is still here.  That sort of longevity from the greatest punk band to come out of Los Angeles, that’s cause for celebration.  This music video celebrates both the band and their history.

Co-director Gilbert Trejo is the son of the one and only Danny Trejo, whose longevity is also worth celebrating.

Enjoy!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.8 “Last Breath”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Some people stand in the darkness …. let’s get back to reviewing Baywatch Nights!  I’ve missed talking about this silly show.

Episode 2.8 “Last Breath”

(Dir by Gregory J. Bonnan, originally aired on November 17th, 1996)

Lifeguards are disappearing!

After hearing the sounds of someone shouting for help in the distance, three lifeguards — including Donna — vanish while investigating.  It’s assumed that they’ve drowned but Mitch has his doubts.  And it turns out that Mitch is correct!  This is an evil haunting the sea and yes, it’s stalking lifeguards.

What type of evil is it?

Is it a sea monster?

Is it a ghost?

Is it an alien creature?

How about a mutant octopus?

Maybe a dinosaur of some sort?

Could it be an unfrozen Viking or a vampire or a time traveler or a….

Well, you get the idea.  And really, it should have been one of those things.  The second season of Baywatch Nights was all about David Hasselhoff and Angie Harmon investigating supernatural ocean stuff.  It was specifically designed to be X-Files on the beach.  We’ve all heard the urban legend of the weeping woman who haunts lakes.  As soon as the lifeguards heard those shouts, I assumed this episode would feature an ocean version of La Llorona.

Well, it turns out I was wrong.  Instead, the lifeguard are being kidnapped by a man who blames them for the death of his family in a car accident.  The madman (Brett Baxter Clark), who is not at all supernatural, is keeping the lifeguards trapped in a cage.  (How do random madmen always manage to have a super-strong cage just lying around?)  He wants to recreate the accident that led to the death of his family.  Can Mitch track the cage down and rescue his lifeguards?

This episode was disappointing on many levels, with the main problem being that there was really nothing to distinguish it from a typical episode of Baywatch.  All it needed was to open with that Some People Stand In The Darkness song for it to be an episode of Baywatch.  When you watch the second season of Baywatch Nights, you’re watching because you want to see David Hasselhoff and Angie Harmon pretending to be Mulder and Scully.  You watch it because you want to see a combination of swimsuits and supernatural phenomena.  Once you take away the supernatural, you take away this show’s main appeal.

That said, if you were a fan of the original Baywatch, you may enjoy certain parts of this episode. Newmie shows up!  At first, I was like, “Don’t you dare kidnap Newmie!” but, fortunately, Newmie was too clever to fall for any traps.

Next week, the supernatural will return to the beach!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.7 “The Perfect Husband/Volcano”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

Yay!  It’s finally time to return to the Island.

Episode 5.7 “The Perfect Husband/Volcano”

(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on November 21st, 1981)

This week, it’s Tattoo’s turn to serve as Roarke’s sidekick while Julie is sent off to deal with two weddings and a tour for “the seniors.”

On the one hand, it’s incredibly awkward for Roarke to have two sidekicks and it’s pretty obvious that Julie was only hired to serve as insurance in case Herve Villechaize walked off the set.

On the other hand, it is kind of nice to be reminded of the fact that there’s a lot happening on Fantasy Island.  Fantasy Island is not just a mystical nation that is ruled over by the enigmatic Mr. Roarke.  It’s also a resort that hosts vacations and retirement homes.  Apparently, you don’t have to have a fantasy in order to spend some time on Fantasy Island.  Instead, you can just come to Fantasy Island for a nice tropical vacation.  That’s kind of nice.

But, that said, the fantasies are why we’re here.  We’ve got two good ones this week.

Dorothy Nicholson (Susan Sullivan) is a newspaper publisher who has been feeling unfulfilled ever since her husband was killed by a drunk driver.  She want to find the perfect husband, a man without any flaws whatsoever.  After giving her his customary “You may not like what you find,” warning, Roarke sends her to Paradise Cove.  Operated by the sinister Anton Jagger (Rossano Brazzi), Paradise Cover is a resort where wealthy women are assigned the perfect companion.  Dorothy’s perfect man is Gilbert (Lyle Waggoner).  Gilbert is handsome, suave, charming, and attentive.  Unfortunately, like all of the perfect men at Paradise Cove, he’s also a robot and a part of Jagger’s scheme to cheat women out of their money!  Dorothy figures out the truth after Gilbert doesn’t even flinch after his hand catches on fire.  Can she defeat Jagger’s plans and rescue the real Gilbert?

(Of course, she can.  It’s Fantasy Island!)

Dr. Hal Workman (George Maharis) thinks that he’s figured out a way to detect when a volcano is going to erupt.  He wants to go to Fantasy Island’s own active volcano to test out his methods.  Roarke agrees, even though he worries that Dr. Workman only cares about science and not about people.  (Honestly, who cares?  A volcano detection system sounds like it would be a good thing, regardless of the motives of the man who created it.)  Workman is led to the volcano by a disillusioned former priest named Lauria (Richard Romanus).  However, Workman and Lauria are not the only people at the volcano.  There’s also a shady tycoon, Joseph Butler (Norman Alden), and his girlfriend, Terri (Misty Rowe).  You can probably guess what happens.  Workman falls in love with Terri.  Lauria finds his faith.  And Butler presumably dies when the volcano erupts and a deluge of what appears to be very thin tomato sauce comes pouring down the mountain.

Both of these fantasies were cheerfully ridiculous, which made them a lot of fun.  You may wonder why Roarke would send one of his guests to a resort that’s being run by a madman and that’s a legitimate question.  But the important thing is that the viewer gets a montage of all of the robots malfunctioning at once.  And you may wonder at the wisdom of allowing someone to go to an active volcano but the important thing is that we get a scene of George Maharis and Richard Romanus running away from the least realistic lava flow ever caught on film.  Fantasy Island is a lot of fun when it goes over the top and embraces its beautiful absurdity and that’s exactly what this episode did.

What a wonderful trip to the Island!