Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Imagine being Peter Engel in 1998.

Your most successful show, Saved By The Bell, ended its NBC run years ago, though it does live on in syndication.  Your second most successful show, California Dreams, ended two years ago.  Once you and your programs dominated NBC’s Sunday morning programming and the cultural landscape but now you’ve been reduced to City Guys, One World, Hang Time, and Saved By The Bell: The New Class.  Both American culture and NBC are moving away from your style of goofy, wholesome entertainment.

What do you do?

If you’re Peter Engel, you take what worked with Saved By The Bell and what worked with California Dreams and you try to create a new show called Malibu, CA.  And if NBC won’t return your calls, you just sell the show to syndication.  That’ll show them!

Malibu, CA ran for two seasons and, until I came across a reference to it online, it was the only Engelverse show that I had previously never seen or even heard about.  However, it turns out that Malibu, CA is available on YouTube.  Considering all of the effort that I previously put into reviewing every episode of California Dreams, City Guys, Hang Time, and even One World (GOD GOD, ONE WORLD), it only seems right to now review Malibu, CA.

Episode 1.1 “Welcome to Malibu”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on October 11th, 1998)

After a montage of familiar Malibu images (Hey!  Did you know that people surf, bike, and wear bikinis in Malibu?), the show introduces us to Scott (Trevor Merszei) and Jason Collins (Jason Hayes), two twins brothers who don’t like alike.  (That’s good because I’m already having trouble remembering which is which.)  In typical Peter Engel style, they start the show in their bedroom and talking directly to the audience.

Scott explains that their mother has taken a job in Saudi Arabia so he and his brother have moved to Malibu to live with their Dad.  (Really?  Saudi Arabia?)  Jason says he’s excited because Malibu is “27 miles of babes.”  Scott says that Jason is “both halves of Dumb and Dumber.”  Jason says that Scott’s shirt makes him look like one of the “Spice Boys.”

Downstairs, their father Peter Collins  (Edward Blatchford, who previously played Mr. Belding’s laid back and irresponsible brother on a classic episode of Saved By The Bell), waits for them so that he can take them to their first day at a new school.  Scott asks if Malibu is always as perfect as it appears to be in the morning.  Peter says that it’s perfect except for the mudslides and the earthquakes.  Jason says that he can’t wait for his first earthquake because he wants to see “Heather Locklear run from her house in her underwear.”  (Okay, Jason, we get it.  You’re the type of guy who is destined to go broke due to an internet porn addiction.)  Peter mentions that he dated “the redhead from Melrose Place” three times.  He then tells the boys that he’s “not much on rules” and he suggests that Scott change his shirt because, “You look like Al Gore.”  (OUCH!)  Peter leaves for the restaurant that he apparently owns while Scott heads up stairs to look for a new shirt.

That leaves Jason alone to meet the next door neighbor, Samantha “Sam” Chapman (Gina Marley May), whose short red dress causes Jason to say, “Whoa!” and inspires someone in the studio audience to do a wolf whistle.  Sam wants Jason to sign a petition that will tell businessman Henry Updyke to not drill for oil on the beach.  (Didn’t the same thing happen on both Saved By The Bell and California Dreams?)  Jason signs and he also meets Sam’s friend, the spacey Murray Updyke (Brandon Brooks).  Murray is especially dedicated to taking down Henry’s business because Henry is his father.  So, basically, Murray’s a spoiled jerk, even if the show doesn’t realize it.

We then cut to high school, which appears to be the same high school set that was used in California Dreams.  We see Sam with her best friend, a lifeguard named Jennifer “Stads” Stadler (Wendi Kenya).  Stads (God, do I really have to call her that?) just broke up with her boyfriend because apparently, he was only taking her to Hooters so that he could hit on the waitresses.  (Was she dating Michael Scott?)

Now, the good news is that Stads hates being called Stads.  “Why does everyone think I’m one of the guys?” she says angrily.  “Well, you did join the boys hockey team,” Sam offers up.  Stads then notices Scott struggling with his locker combination.  She helps him out by punching the locker, which flies open and smacks Scott in the face.  As Scott struggles to regain his composure, he asks for help finding the Marine Biology class.  Sam is also into Marine Biology.  (SHOCKER!)  She and Scott go off together.

Meanwhile, Jason is approached by a woman (Susan Wood) in a red dress.  (Another red dress!)  She asks his name and, when he says that he’s Jason Collins, she asks if he’s Peter’s son.  Jason immediately assume that Peter must have dated her.  “My Dad always dates the hottest babes!”  “I’m not a babe, I’m Ms. Morrissey …. your principal.”  “Whoa!” the audience says.  Murray runs into the school and hugs Mrs. Morrisey.  After Morrisey politely tells them to get to class and then heads for her office, Murray suggests they should skip school instead.  Jason agrees.  Hey, why not?  It’s not like anything important happens on the first day of school.

Jason stops by the Lighthouse, which is Peter’s restaurant.  The Lighthouse is easily identifiable as Sharky’s from California Dreams, just with a new coat of paint.  Peter is not happy about Jason skipping but Jason gets distracted by Sam trying to pass out flyers for her anti-oil rally.  Jason offers to hand out the flyers for her.  Sam thanks him and says that she can’t wait to see him at the rally.  After Sam leaves, Jason gives the flyers to a waiter and tell him to put them into all the menus.  Scott then shows up and says that he met the perfect girl.  Jason says he did to.  “Wait until you meet Samantha!” they say in unison.

Cut to the beach, where Jason, Scott, Sam, Stads, and Murray are struggling to get anyone to take their flyers.  Jason suggests that they need a billboard.  “Are you talking about signs everywhere ragging on my dad’s company?” Murray says, “Alright!”

(I’m sorry but Murray’s kind of a dick.  I mean, are you campaigning for the environment or are you just mad at your dad?)

How to pay for a billboard?  Jason suggests having a fundraiser at the Lighthouse.

“Dad won’t go for that,” Scott says.

“Dad doesn’t need to know,” Jason says.

Okay, Jason’s a dick too.

How to get Peter out of the restaurant?  Jason approaches Ms. Morrissey at school and, surprisingly, is not given any sort of punishment for skipping the first day.  Jason gives Ms. Morrissey tickets to the Fleetwood Mac concert and says that Peter really wants to go with her but he feels awkward because Ms. Morrissey is their principal so Ms. Morrissey will have to ask him.  Ms. Morrissey agrees to this because, in the world of Peter Engel, all principals are idiots.

Somehow, the plan works.  Peter — oh my God!  IS HE NAMED AFTER PETER ENGEL!? — goes to the concert and the boys take over the restaurant.  Sam is really impressed, since the party will give her a chance to get more teenagers to sign her useless petition.  Jason and Scott get into an argument over who Sam likes and they decide to ask Stads.  They don’t even notice that Stads is trying to change her image by wearing a dress.

“Just imagine if the two of us liked you,” Scott says to her, apparently unaware that Stads has a crush on him, “who would you go for?”

Stads runs from the restaurant as the audience says, “Awwww!”  I actually said “awww” too.  Both Jason and Scott are dicks.  Poor Jennifer!

Because Jason lied and said the stars of Baywatch would be at the restaurant, way too many people show up for the party.  Jason and Scott get into an argument over who is to blame and they each accuse the other of only throwing the party to get a date with Sam.  Offended, Sam declares, “I wouldn’t date either of you!”  Good for you, Sam, they suck.

Guess who suddenly shows up?  It’s Peter and the cops!  The restaurant is closed for overcrowding and Peter, as owner, is fined $500.  Peter worries that maybe he’s not responsible enough to look after his sons.  Maybe they need to go back to New York and live with their grandma.

The next days, Jason and Scott tells Stads and Sam that they’re leaving.  “I’m never going to see you again!?” Stads says before kissing Scott.  “Hey, I’m leaving too!” Jason says.

Fear not.  Peter decides to give them another chance, with the understanding that there will be rules.  They’re both grounded and they’re both going to have to work as busboys in the restaurant.  But they can stay in Malibu and continue to compete for Sam.

“My brother doesn’t stand a chance!” Jason and Scott is unison.

Well, that happened.  The first episode of Malibu CA did what a first episode should do.  It introduced us to the characters and their situations and it set up future storylines.  Unfortunately, almost none of the characters are particularly likable.  Jason’s a jerk.  Scott’s a wimp.  Murray is a spoiled brat.  Sam is self-righteous.  Peter is a midlife crisis waiting to happen.  The closest thing this show has to a likable character is Jennifer and she’s stuck with a terrible nickname.  I’m an optimist and I’m fully aware that first episodes are rarely indicative of what a show is going to eventually become.  I hope Malibu CA will improve.  For now, though, I’m starting understand why I had never heard of it before.