Monthly Archives: November 2020

Lifetime Film Review: The Wrong House Sitter (dir by David DeCoteau)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Kirsten (Anna Marie Dobbins) is a professional house sitter who is looking for work.

Dan (Jason-Shane Scott) owns a house.

What could go wrong!?

Well, it turns out that quite a lot can go wrong.  Kirsten may be a house sitter and she may have a few good references and she even shows up with a contract for Dan to sign, which seems very professional, but that doesn’t mean that Kirsten is the right house sitter.  In fact, it turns out that she’s the wrong house sitter and that contract basically gives her the right to stay in the house for as long as she wants.  Dan’s a writer and really, he should have known better than to sign a contract without actually reading it but …. well, he was in a hurry that morning.

So anyway, Kirsten is now living in Dan’s house and telling everyone that she is Dan’s girlfriend, despite the fact that Dan has a girlfriend named Mary (Ciarra Carter).  (Dan also has an editor named Debbie, who is played by Vivica A. Fox.  It’s not a Lifetime “wrong” movie without Vivica A. Fox in a supporting role.)  Dan can either give up the house or he can stay in the house and hope that he finds a way to get Kirsten out of his life.

Really, Dan should have known better than to have hired Kirsten in the first place.  When they first met, it was in a bookstore and Kirsten was talking about how much she loved Atlas Shrugged.  Dan suggested that she check out The Fountainhead.  I’m a libertarian and even I know that its time to run whenever someone says that Atlas Shrugged is their favorite book.  Personally, I would have suggested that both he and Kirsten read Anthem, which gives you all the Ayn Rand you could want but which doesn’t require you to spend half a year reading it.

Regardless, Dan did hire Kirsten and now he’s stuck with her.  And Kirsten really, really wants to make things work with Dan.  In fact, she’s so determined to make things work that she’s willing to kill.  It’s a Lifetime movie, folks.  People are always willing to kill.

Anyway, our regular readers know that I like the “wrong” films, largely because they always seem to feature the nicest houses that one could hope to find in Canada.  Dan’s house is really nice and you can understand why he wouldn’t want to give it up.  The pool alone is worth a few murders.  I mean, I would have totally been up to house sit that particular home and I wouldn’t have been as dangerous about it either.  (Seriously, house sitting is a lot of fun!  You get to sleep in a stranger’s bed without having to worry about seeing them in the morning.)  Jason-Shane Scott has appeared in a few of these films and he brings his well-meaning charm to the role of Dan.  Anna Marie Dobbins is appropriately crazed as the house sitter and Vivica A. Fox, as always, does good work as the no-nonsense authority figure.

Watch it the next time you’re tempted to let a stranger live in your house for a week.

Lifetime Film Review: The Wrong Cheerleader Coach (dir by David DeCoteau)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

“You messed with the wrong cheerleader coach!”

Okay, so no one actually says that in this film, which is a bit of a shame.  Still, I absolutely loved The Wrong Cheerleader Coach, a film about what happens when the new assistant cheerleading coach at the local high school becomes obsessed with the father of one of her cheerleaders.  Let’s just say that things don’t go well but everyone still remains very enthusiastic and full of pep and vigor.

In this case, the wrong cheerleader coach is Devan (Johanna Liauw), who offers private lessons to Hanna (Madi Burton).  It’s not because Devan cares about whether or not Hanna makes the squad.  Instead, it’s because Devan is obsessed with Hanna’s father, a widower and construction worker named Jon (Corin Nemec).  When Devan discovers that John is actually dating a woman who wears glasses, Devan goes out and buys some glasses for herself.  I have to applaud Devan for taking that extra step.  My eyesight is terrible and getting worse by the day.  I usually wear contacts but I may start wearing my glasses just because Devan and Jon’s girlfriend, Melissa (Bailey Kai), make them look so cool.

Anyway, Devan is obsessed with Jon but when Jon basically says, “I don’t like you and stay the Hell away from my daughter,” Devan goes all crazy.  It’s unfortunate because Devan really does appear to be a good coach but the whole psycho thing will probably keep her from moving forward in her profession.  I mean, Hanna does become a much better cheerleader as a result of working with Devan.

This is one of Lifetime’s “Wrong” movies.  All of these films are directed by David DeCoteau and they all feature Vivica A. Fox in a supporting role.  This time, Fox plays the head cheerleading coach, the one who gives Devan a stern talking to when Devan starts to lose her mind.  Also appearing in the film is Tara Reid, who has a cameo as a former co-worker of Devan’s.  It’s a bit of Sharknado reunion, as both Fox and Reid appeared in that classic franchise.  (That said, Reid and Fox actually share any scenes in The Wrong Cheerleader Coach so don’t watch this film expecting to hear random jokes about flying sharks.)

Anyway, I always enjoy the “Wrong” films because they always seem to feature a big house and a lot of melodrama.  That’s certainly the case with The Wrong Cheerleader Coach.  In fact, one could say that this film is absolutely shameless in the way that it embraces the melodrama but that’s a good thing!  There’s enough shame in the world.  The “Wrong” films are unapologetically over-the-top and kitschy and it’s impossible not to love them.

The Wrong Cheerleader Coach is fun.  It’s got Corin Nemec, who is one of the most likable actors on the planet.  And it’s got Vivica A. Fox playing yet another no-nonsense authority figure, which is a role that she plays very well.  In the role of Devan, Johanna Liauw goes crazy with class.  It’s a fun movie.

Lifetime Film Review: My Nightmare Landlord (dir by Dylan Vox)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

So, put yourself in Lydia’s situation.

Lydia (played by Caroline Harris) is a student at the local college and she’s doing her best to write the paper that will basically determine the rest of her life.  However, she keeps getting distracted.  For one thing, she just broke up with her boyfriend and now both she and her cat are practically homeless.  While it’s true that she does have a job at the library, it’s doubtful that the head librarian would be willing to allow her to sleep down in periodicals.  It’s just not done.

However, one rainy day, Lydia happens to stumble into an apartment building.  The first thing that she sees is apartment manager Drew (Ignacyo Matynia), shirtless and doing manly building work.  Things are looking up already!  Drew also explains that he just happens to have an empty apartment.  It seems that the last tenant left suddenly and all of her furniture is still in the apartment!  Lydia can not only move in but she also won’t have to buy a new couch!

Sounds great, right?

Well, it gets even better.  First off, this apartment is HUGE!  Seriously, I was really proud of the first apartment that I ever got when I was in college.  I mean, I had chairs in the living room and everything!  But my little apartment was nothing compared to the apartment in this movie!  Secondly, Drew is like really hot and nice and he and Lydia have instant chemistry.

Of course, there are some problems.  First off, Lydia is terrified of the dark, to the extent that she has panic attacks if the lights dim, which is something that happens with disturbing regularity inside of the otherwise perfect apartment.  Secondly, Drew is possessive and crazy and murderous.  I mean, you probably already guessed that second part.  After all, the film is called My Nightmare Landlord and it’s a Lifetime film.  One of the rules of Lifetime is that any guy who appears to be too good to be true is ultimately going to end up committing two murders before tying you to a chair and talking about how the two of you belong together.  That’s just the way way things work and that’s pretty much what happens here.

But you know what?  That apartment is seriously nice.  In fact, I would say that it’s such a great apartment that it might be worth the risk of having a nightmare landlord.  (Technically, of course, Drew is just the apartment manager.  But My Nightmare Apartment Manager does have quite the same ring to it.)  Of course, Drew does take things a bit too far when he starts letting himself into the apartment at all hours of the night.  That’s definitely not a good thing.  I would probably change the locks after I moved in.  Still, it’s a really nice place….

Anyway, this isn’t the first Lifetime film about a crazed apartment manger and it probably won’t be the last.  As I’ve said in many other reviews, the familiarity of these films is a huge part of their appeal.  I will say that Caroline Harris is a likable protagonist and she does a good job capturing Lydia’s fear of the dark and making it feel real.  And Ignacyo Matynia is both dangerously handsome and believably charming as the apartment manager from Hell.  I enjoyed the film almost as much as I loved the apartment.

Lifetime Film Review: Friends Who Kill (dir by Richard Switzer)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Ah, a friend who kills.

Now, on the one hand, I guess you could make an argument that it would be good to have a friend who kills because then you wouldn’t ever have to kill.  You could just ask your friend to do a favor for you.  I can certainly understand why some people would see that as being one of the benefits that comes with having a friend who kills.  Myself, if I had a friend who killed, I would want to take them with me whenever I knew I’m going to have stand in a long line.  I mean, God knows that patience is a virtue but sometimes, you really just need to speed things up.

On the other hand, having a friend who kills probably means that you have to spend a lot of time cleaning up after them.  And if your friend is one of those people who kills in the middle of the night, you might not got much sleep.  Instead, they’ll constantly be calling you at 4 in the morning, asking you to bring a garbage bag and some bleach to a house on the other side of town.  Ultimately, it just doesn’t seem to be worth the trouble.

Lifetime’s Friends Who Kill stars Sarah Fisher as Lacy, a high school student who is struggling with failing grades and the recent divorce of her parents.  When Lacy first meets Cassie (Alexa Rose Steele), it seems like Cassie is just the type of fun-loving, parent’s-signature-forging friend that she needs but it turns out that Cassie is actually a bit unstable.  She’s a friend who kills, though she doesn’t really kill that many people in this film.  She does beat a lot of people up.  She puts one person in a coma and she hits another with a shovel.  She does commit one murder with a hockey stick and it looks like pretty messy.  I hate it when murders are committed in a living room because it totally ruins all the furniture.  I mean, just try getting a blood stain out of a couch.

Harper (Reha Sandill), who was Lacy’s best friend until Cassie showed up, tries to warn Lacy that Cassie isn’t as good of a friend as she says she is but Lacy is ready for a dangerous friend and who can blame her.  Lacy’s mother (Natalie Brown) is too busy dealing with the fallout of her divorce to really notice the murderous gleam in Cassie’s eyes.  These things happen when you’ve got a friend who kills, I suppose.

Friends Who Kill suffers a bit because it’s never quite clear why Cassie wants to be Lacy’s friend or why Lacy’s mom is so quick to assume the worst when Cassie frames Harper for revealing the circumstances of the divorce.  This is one of those films where you quickly get frustrated because no one seems to have much common sense.  Everyone is strangely quick to believe anything that Cassie says and you can understand why Harper gets so annoyed with Lacy.  On the plus side, fans of Degrassi will be happy to see that this film features two members of that classic show’s cast.  On Degrassi, Sarah Fisher played ultra-religious Becky while Alexa Steele played by Angela Jeremiah and Tori Santamaria.  Steele does a pretty good job playing up the sociopathic side of Cassie.

In the end, this film has a good message.  Friends who kill may seem like a solution to all of life’s troubles but, in the end, they’re just not worth the trouble.

Lifetime Film Review: Cheerleader Abduction (dir by Michelle Oullet)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

So, here you are.

You’re 17 years old.  You’ve got your entire future ahead of you.  You’re popular.  You’re a cheerleader.  In fact, you’re not just a cheerleader but you’re also the team captain!  Your mother is the mayor of the town in which you live and she’s thinking of running for governor!  You’re looking forward to going to Michigan River University and spending your summers reading a book on the beach.

Except….

Well, you’ve been throwing up a lot.  Could it have something to do with what happened at that party a few weekends ago?

Yep!  You are pregnant!  But you can’t tell your mom, because she’s got so much going on right now.  And you can’t tell your friends because they’ll spread it all over the school.  They still haven’t forgiven you for missing the last cheerleading competition.  However, there’s a nice woman who claims that she’s been through the same thing that you’re going through.  And, she just happens to run an underground adoption agency!

That’s pretty much the plot of Cheerleader Abduction.  According to the imdb, this film was originally entitled A Secret To Keep, which is actually a far more appropriate title.  The entire film is about Olivia (Jerni Stewart) trying to keep her mother, Trish (Kristen Harris), for discovering that she’s pregnant.  While Trish is busy running for governor, Olivia is secretly quitting the cheer squad and hanging out with Pam (Sarah Constible).  Pam seems to be friendly but, whenever Olivia turns her back to her, Pam’s smile quickly disappears.  In a Lifetime film, that’s all the evidence that you need to know that someone is up to no good.

To be honest, the fact that Olivia’s a cheerleader really isn’t that important to the plot.  She could just as easily have been a theater student who missed her cue because she was getting an ultrasound in the middle of a performance.  I guess her being a cheerleader is meant to establish her as being one of the popular kids at school but still, it’s not really enough of a plot point to justify changing the film’s title.  As far as the abduction is concerned …. well, nothing that could really be considered an abduction occurs until pretty late in the film.  Instead, the majority of the film is taken up by Olivia attempting to prevent Trish from picking up on the fact that she’s pregnant.  (“I hope she’s not sick.  She just got over that stomach flu.”)  It’s all about Olivia trying to keep her secret.  A Secret To Keep is a far more appropriate title, though it doesn’t quite have the same melodramatic snap to it as Cheerleader Abduction.

Anyway, this one was okay.  As everyone should know by now, I like Lifetime movies in general and Cheerleader Abduction featured all of the things that I tend to look for when watching a Lifetime film.  There were enough lies and melodrama to hold my attention and I thought Sarah Constible did a good job playing the outwardly friendly Pam.  That said, I had a hard time taking the idea of Trish being a candidate for governor seriously.  It may be because I’ve just lived through an election but there was nothing about Trish’s political career that rang true.  Not that it really matters, of course.  You don’t watch Lifetime movies for a realistic portrait of American politics.  You watch them for the secrets and the lies and Cheerleader Abduction featured enough of both to be entertaining.

It’s Mini Kus! Time Again : “Man Made Lake” By Aidan Koch (Mini Kus! #94)

Posted on by Ryan C. (fourcolorapocalypse)

Ryan C. (fourcolorapocalypse)'s avatarRyan C.'s Four Color Apocalypse

While I admit to finding the subject fascinating, I’m by no means on expert on psychotherapy, to say nothing of its more — esoteric offshoots such as hypnotherapy, DBT, so-called “past life regression,” and the like. And while I harbor no doubt that any licensed and educated therapist would be absolutely appalled at me lumping entirely reputable forms of analysis in with stuff that many folks perceive to be sheer quackery, as I just did, for the purpose of discussing the most recent entry (that would be #94, for those keeping score at home) in the Mini Kus! line from our Latvian friends and Kus!, Aidan Koch’s Man Made Lake, it really is necessary to list — or perhaps the right term would be blend — them all together. Rest assured, all will be explained — to the extent I’m capable of doing so.

Which, admittedly, isn’t much, but…

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Lifetime Film Review: Cheer Squad Secrets (dir by David Longlois)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s a dangerous life, being a cheerleader.

Most people already know that from watching countless horror movies and Lifetime films.  Of course, I know that because my sister was a cheerleader and she told me about all of the dangerous things went on once the cheering stopped.  I was often invited to become a cheerleader when I was in high school.  At the time, I refused because I wanted to carve out my own identity and all of that other good stuff.  Looking back, though, I should have refused because apparently, there’s nothing more dangerous than being a cheerleader in high school.

Take Cheer Squad Secrets, for instance.  In this film, Coach Nina (Anita Brown) is so obsessed with winning a championship and also so haunted by her own traumatic experiences as a cheerleader that she ends up giving the members of the squad steroids in order to make sure that they’re always performing at 110%.  Unfortunately, steroids also leads to mood swings, violence, sprained arms, and potential jail time!  Nina, however, is so obsessed with winning a championship that she’s even willing to commit murder to make sure that everyone gets their “supplements.”  She shows no hesitation when it comes time to stab a drug dealer to death.  And when it looks like some bothersome bystander might reveal the squad’s secrets, Nina promptly drowns her in a swimming pool.

And you know what?  It’s easy to say that Coach Nina is crazy and that she’s taking things too far but Nina gets results!  I mean, I made my sister watch this movie with me and she agreed that Nina was definitely putting together a championship-worthy squad.  Nina may have been a bit intense and she may have been a bit unconventional in her methods but isn’t that what we want from our teachers?  Don’t we want teachers and coaches who will do anything to help our children succeed?

Well, Kelly Regan (Margaret Anne Florence) isn’t quite as enthused about Nina’s methods as perhaps some parents would be.  Kelly was a cheerleader when she was in high school.  In fact, she was such a great cheerleader that she’s something of a legend.  Her daughter, Amelie (Karis Cameron), wants to live up to her mom’s example.  Kelly is overjoyed when Amelie becomes a cheerleader but she’s less happy once the violent fights start to break out.  I guess it’s understandable but seriously, Nina is doing what she has to do.  I mean, doesn’t Kelly want Amelie to go to college on a cheerleading scholarship?

Anyway, Cheer Squad Secrets was an enjoyably silly melodrama.  I’m going to enjoy any film that mixes steroids with a crazy coach who occasionally has conversations with the ghost of her younger self.  I mean, really, who wouldn’t?  Anita Brown gives an appropriately intense performance as Coach Nina and director David Langlois does a good job of embracing the melodrama.  A good Lifetime film will always push the limits of how far it can take its storyline and Cheer Squad Secrets certainly does that.  This is a good one to watch for the next time you need an extra push to succeed.

Lifetime Film Review: Birthmother’s Betrayal (dir by John Murlowski)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

So, you’ve been betrayed by your birthmother!

Well, these things happen.  Especially if you’re a character in a Lifetime movie.  I’ve always argued that Lifetime movies can best be viewed as wish fulfillment and, in this one, the fulfilled wish belongs to every mother who has ever hoped that their daughter would admit that they should have listened to them.  In this film, Amy (Tanya Clarke) warns his adopted teenage daughter, Tara (Monica Rose Betz), about trying to track down her birthmother, Grace (Aria Pullman).  And wow, is Amy ever proven right!

Of course, it’s understandable that Tara would want to track down her birthmother.  First off, Tara has all sorts of weird allergies and it would really help her understand her medical history if she knew who her mother was.  Secondly, Amy is kind of overprotective and won’t even let Tara date or buy a bikini, despite the fact that Tara is nearly 17 years old.  I mean, that’s extreme!  So, even though Amy is a loving mom and owns a big house and works for Habitat for Humanity, it’s understandable that Tara would want to see what else is out there.  Amy shouldn’t have sheltered her daughter but then again, Tara should have listened to Amy about the whole “your birthmother could be dangerous” thing.

At first, Tara is overjoyed when she manages to track down Grace.  Grace seems like the perfect birthmother.  She teaches Tara how to drive.  She buys Tara that forbidden bikini.  She encourages Tara to live her own life.  Yet, there are some strange things about Grace.  For instance, Grace refuses to divulge too much information about her own background.  Grace also insists that Tara not tell Amy about her.

Eventually, though, Amy tracks down Grace on her own and invites Grace to come over to the house and meet her daughter “for the first time.”  However, when Grace arrives at the house, she’s no longer acting like the confident and unpredictable Grace that Tara met.  Instead, Grace is now jumpy and nervous and suffers from terrible dizzy spells.  Even more strangely, Grace acts as if she barely knows Tara.  What’s happening?

You may be tempted to say that Grace is just unbalanced but actually, there’s more to it than that.  There’s a neat little twist to this story and I won’t spoil it but I will say that it took me by surprise when it was revealed.  A surprise twist is always a good thing and Birthmother’s Betrayal executes it well.  Admittedly, the twist itself is a bit over-the-top but that’s what we love Lifetime movies for.  Save the normal twists for movies on other networks.  This is Lifetime we’re talking about!

Anyway, I enjoyed Birthmother’s Betrayal, largely because of the twist.  Right when you think the movie is going to be one thing, it turns out to be something else.  Aria Pullman does a good job playing Grace, as both a confident sociopath and a rather frail and neurotic woman who suffers from suddenly dizzy spells.  Keep an eye out for Birthmother’s Betrayal and remember that, when it comes to sending your DNA off to a website, it’s sometimes best to listen to the people who raised you.