Hallmark Review: I Do, I Do, I Do (2015, dir. Ron Oliver)

Posted on March 3, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

I didn’t want to see another movie starring Autumn Reeser right now. I didn’t want to see another movie written by Nancey Silvers right now. However, I haven’t done a Ron Oliver movie in awhile, and he has been nice to me in the past. So let’s talk about I Do, I Do, I Do.

The movie opens up and we meet Jaclyn Palmer (Autumn Reeser) on the right, her sister Kate (Ali Liebert), and Kate’s camera. This time Hallmark is more subtle with the camera. No obvious Nikon camera strap. Also, it’s a Canon camera anyways. Just thought I would point that out for long time Hallmark fans who remember the Nikon product placement scenes from movies like For The Love Of Grace. Oh, and you can easily miss that Kate is her sister. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t tell you till later. Up till then my Dad and I thought they were just old friends. Even the credits of this movie don’t tell you.

Then probably the weirdest way I’ve seen the wrong guy introduced in a Hallmark movie happens. Jaclyn and Kate are in front of a hospital. An ambulance pulls up, someone is wheeled out of the back of it. Then up springs Dr. Peter Lorenzo (Antonio Cupo) from the gurney.

He comes over and proposes to Jaclyn while someone films them. I’m quite sure he arranged to have someone film it. At the very least it winds up on sort of YouTube.

That’s a lot of views! Obviously Dr. Peter Lorenzo is the PewDewPie of doctors. It goes without saying that she accepts his proposal. Now she’s off to some hotel in the woods next to a lake that’s probably in other Hallmark movies. After Autumn does her best shocked look as she pulls up to see a big sign that says “Jaclyn & Peter Forever”, she is greeted by his parents. It’s always a good sign when your mother-in-law to be says this to you.

Jaclyn is introduced to more craziness such as the “Bridal Cabin” and the wedding dress her soon to be Mom wants her to wear. Seeing as Jaclyn doesn’t like her wedding dress and she arrived in a car, she of course proceeds to get on a bike to ride through the woods to get to town.

You got me! My only guess is that since her husband is crazy about health and forces that on Jaclyn too, that she felt she had to use a bike instead of a car. Why she has to go through the woods, I have no idea. Regardless, as she is traveling through the woods she runs into Peter’s brother Max played by Shawn Roberts.

You know, Dexter Durant from Recipe For Love, or Dean if you are a fan of Degrassi: TNG. Since Jaclyn’s sister mentioned earlier that she wishes the two of them could throw caution to the wind like when they were younger, Max jumps off a ledge into the water. You can think of Max as basically the complete opposite of his brother. Oh, and they kiss for reasons. It kind of comes out of nowhere. Let’s move this along now by leaping over some scenes to get to the good stuff.

The next big thing that happens is that Jaclyn wakes up the next day. That day happens to be Valentine’s Day when her wedding is because who gets married on Groundhog Day? Yes, this is one of those movies. People burst into her room to make her up for Peter’s mother’s dream wedding. I think this shot sums up how Jaclyn feels about this.

You may notice that there is a wipe transition in progress in that shot. Director Ron Oliver uses them a bunch in this movie to good effect. George Lucas used them in Star Wars. It’s a good way to maintain a quick pace by giving you no time to mourn the loss of what was onscreen. It just picks you up from one scene and throws you into the next one. He also matches this with how he progressively shortens the days. Groundhog Day (1993) and the Groundhog Day episode of Stargate-SG1 did this too.

The marriage happens, but it’s a little rocky including wine getting spilled on her. That’s when back at the Bridal Cabin, Jaclyn wishes for a do-over, and her proposal video rolls over to 1,000,000 views.

Poor Ron Oliver! His video in upper right hand corner only has 567,983 views. At first I thought they would repeat that the way the clock would turn over in Groundhog Day, but it doesn’t. The equivalent here is the phone next to her bed, which rings with a wake up call.

This time she shows up with heavy eyeshadow and blush. I guess she is trying to maybe get him to not want to marry her. No such luck.

On the next repeat she starts to flip out. I love that they even bring up the possibility that she’s on drugs.

The doctor thinks she might have cold feet. She keeps telling him she’s living the same day over and over. So of course the doctor says he is going to get her tested for drugs. To get away from crazy town, Jaclyn flees with Max to the main set of the movie.

Remember the whole learning how to play the piano thing from Groundhog Day? That’s the kind of things that start to happen as the repeats get shorter and shorter. The first thing is to overcome her fear of the water. She didn’t used to be afraid of the water, but Peter kind of got her scared of taking any risks. Apparently, this included going into the water for her. So over the course of several loops Max takes her further and further into the water.

Once that is done, the next thing on the roster is to finally learning how to dance. Again, this repeats over several days. I have to give credit to whoever was responsible for the continuity on this film for these scenes. Take a look.

Those are from two loops that follow each other. Note that his outfit doesn’t change. It wouldn’t because since he isn’t aware of the time loop, he would be always wearing the same thing. However, since she is aware of the time loop, she wears something different. It’s a nice little detail that also helps to make sure we know another loop has gone by without having to cutaway from the beach.

With that done, learning Italian is next for Jaclyn. The reason for this is that earlier a member of Peter’s family came up to her and just assumed that Max and her were together. However, the whole conversation was in Italian and they lie to her about what she said. She spends several loops learning Italian.

Next is picking out a wedding dress she likes. She even has the wedding she seems to like, but of course Max isn’t convinced. Obviously Max is lord of time because she wakes up once again.

After spending more time with Max, we get the sort of YouTube thing at the start of another time loop.

I guess we know which one of the producers on this movie was the most important seeing as Kevin Leeson’s Seagull video has 996,876 views over Dan Paulson’s 36,995 views. Although, the production coordinator Alison Stephen tops them all with her 2.9 million views.

Anyways, this is when Jaclyn finally decides to stop the loop by saying that she doesn’t want to marry him. Just like in Bridal Wave, it turns out getting married wasn’t really something either of them wanted to do. She seemed to have been swept off her feet and he was kind of under pressure from his Mom. Even Dad chimes in to tell Mom to sit down here. When somebody tells you to sit down with these eyes…

then you sit down.

She and Max fall asleep at the beach. The time loop breaks, and they wake up together. After jumping in the water, they go and get married.

My final thought on this one is that it comes in third out of the four Groundhog Day movies/TV episodes I’ve seen. The first two are Groundhog Day and the Stargate SG-1 episode. However, number four, called Pete’s Christmas, is a huge drop off from this one. I really didn’t like that film. So check out the Stargate SG-1 episode called Window of Opportunity, and this one too. I recommend it.

Here are the songs from the credits:

Here’s The First Trailer For The New Ghostbusters!

Posted on March 3, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The first trailer for the new Ghostbusters film was released today and you can watch it below. The trailer is mildly promising, less because of the jokes featured (the majority of which are pretty predictable) and more because of the talent assembled on-screen.

That said, once you get past the fact that all of the Ghostbusters are played by genuinely funny women, you’re left with what appears to be another film about three super smart white women and their sassy black friend. Watching the trailer, it’s hard not to notice that the three white women are all scientists while the only black woman works for the transportation authority and, of course, has a relative who is an undertaker. The trailer’s final moment, with Leslie Jones slapping a spirit out of Melissa McCarthy, is obviously meant to be a big crowd-pleasing moment but it feels more like a case of racial caricature. It certainly feels far more stereotypical than anything that Ernie Hudson was ever required to do or say in the original Ghostbusters.

(Then again, Ernie Hudson really didn’t have much to do or say….)

I mean, seriously — would it have killed them to make the black woman a scientist too?

“THE GUILTY WILL BE PUNISHED!”: The Punisher (1989, directed by Mark Goldblatt)

Posted on March 3, 2016 by Jedadiah Leland

The-Punisher “What the fuck do you call 125 murders in 5 years?”

“Work in progress.”

With that line, Dolph Lundgren claimed the role of Frank Castle as his own.

Who is Frank Castle? A former cop, he was mistakenly believed to be dead after mobsters killed his wife and children. He has spent five years waging a one man war on the Mafia. When not killing the criminal element, he spends his time naked in the sewers and having conversations with God.

“Come on God,” he says, “answer me. For years I’m asking why, why are the innocent dead and the guilty alive? Where is justice? Where is punishment? Or have you already answered, have you already said to the world here is justice, here is punishment, here, in me.”

Everyone knows him as the Punisher. Only his former partner, Detective Berkowtiz (Lou Gossett, Jr.) suspects that the Punisher is actually Frank Castle.

Frank has been so effective in his one-man war on crime that the Mafia is now permanently weakened. Plotting to take over city’s underworld, the Yakuza arrives in New York City. Their leader, Lady Tanaka (Kim Miyori), kidnaps the son of Gianni Franco (Jereon Krabbe) and threatens to kill him unless Franco turns his operation over to her. The Punisher and Franco team up to rescue Franco’s son and to destroy the Yakuza. Even as the two works together, the Punisher makes sure that Franco knows that he will be punished for being a criminal.

“There’s a limit to revenge, you know,” Franco says.

“I guess I haven’t reached mine yet,” The Punisher answers.

With the current popularity of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, it is easy to forget that, in the 80s and 90s, almost all Marvel movies were straight-to-video affairs like this one, made with budgets so low that they could not even afford a Stan Lee cameo. The Punisher was one of the few halfway entertaining ones. It may not be a great movie but when compared to the 1990 version of Captain America or the Roger Corman-produced Fantastic Four, The Punisher looks like a masterpiece. When this movie was first released, The Punisher was one of the most popular of Marvel’s characters, starring in three separate titles. While the movie embraces the Punisher’s violent methods and reactionary worldview, it also make some unnecessary chances to the character, not only tweaking his origin story by making Frank a former cop (instead of a grieving father whose family fell victim to random mob violence) but also doing away with The Punisher’s iconic skull shirt.

Marvel’s Punisher

Dolph Lundgren’s Punisher

Can a punisher without a skull still be The Punisher?

Surprisingly, he can. Dolph Lundgren is not only physically right for the role but he is also believable as a psychologically damaged vigilante. This Punisher could teach Deadpool a thing or two. After the Punisher kills one gangster in front of the man’s terrified son, he tells him, “Stay a good boy and grow up to be a good man. Because if you don’t, I’ll be waiting.” When the boy aims his father’s gun at him, the Punisher places his forehead against the barrel and says, “Do it.” When you consider that The Punisher was originally introduced, in the pages of The Amazing Spider-Man, as someone who would shoot jaywalkers because they had broken the law, you can see that Lundgren’s performance really gets to the twisted soul of the character.

Even without the skull, Lundgren’s Punisher is still far superior to the versions played by Tomas Jane and Ray Stevenson. When Jon Bernthal plays the role in the second season of Daredevil (and officially brings the character into the MCU), he will hopefully have learned some lessons from watching Dolph Lundgren.

Punisher

Artwork of the Day: The Impossible Escape

Posted on March 3, 2016 by Dazzling Erin

By Mort Kunstler

Song of the Day: Back In Black (by AC/DC)

Posted on March 2, 2016 by Arleigh

Last year, I did a mini-series of “Song of the Day” that featured some of my favorite rock and metal guitar solos. This time around I plan to showcase some of my favorite guitar riffs from the world of rock and metal. I’ll be limiting my choice on the metal side to the basic metal. I’m not as well-versed on the more unique and esoteric offshoots of metal. For that one must go to our resident metal intellectual necromoonyeti.

To start things off is a classic hard rock tune the began the post-Bon Scott Era (the band’s previous frontman who had tragically passed away before recording this follow-up album). The band would tap ex-Geordie frontman Brian Johnson to front the band. The rest as they say is rock history.

The Back In Black album would become one of the biggest-selling rock albums in history and it’s title track would become just one of many platinum-certified hits from that album. The song would become not just one of rock’s greatest songs, but become a pop icon as films, tv shows and event sporting events would use it’s iconic opening riff and follow-up melody to celebrate one’s rebellious nature.

Back In Black

Back in black
I hit the sack
It’s been too long I’m glad to be back
Yes, I’m let loose
From the noose
That’s kept me hanging around
I’ve been looking at the sky
and it’s gettin’ me high
Forget the hearse ’cause I never die
I got nine lives
Cats eyes
Cruisin’ every woman, never wonderin’ why

CHORUS:
‘Cause I’m back
Yes, I’m back
Well, I’m back
Yes, I’m back
Well, I’m back, back
Well I’m back in black
Yes, I’m back in black

Back in the back
Of a Cadillac
Number one with a bullet, I’m a power pack
Yes, I’m in a bang
With a gang
They’ve got to catch me if they want me to hang
Cause I’m back on the track
And I’m beatin’ the flack
Nobody’s gonna get me on another rap
So look at me now
I’m just makin’ my play
Don’t try to push your luck, just get out of my way

CHORUS

Well, I’m back, Yes I’m back
Well, I’m back, Yes I’m back
Well, I’m back, back
Well I’m back in black
Yes I’m back in black

hooo yeah
Ohh yeah
Yes I am
Oooh yeah, yeah Oh yeah
Back in now
Well I’m back, I’m back
Back, I’m back
Back, I’m back
Back, I’m back
Back, I’m back
Back
Back in black
Yes I’m back in black

“The Diabolical” Is Anything But

Posted on March 2, 2016 by Ryan C. (fourcolorapocalypse)

Trash Film Guru

Free time has been a scarce commodity in the life of yours truly lately, but when I actually did have a little bit of it the other night, I did something really stupid. I was thinking of heading out to the theater to see The Witch — which I should have done and still need to do — but instead I stayed home, fired up Netflix, and watched the 2015 modestly-budgeted indie horror The Diabolical. Big mistake.

Oh, sure, I’ve seen worse horror flicks than this — if you can even fairly classify this debut effort from director/co-writer (along with Luke Harvin) Alistair Legrand as a “horror flick” — but seldom do you encounter one trying to punch its way up out of its weight class with so little success. The Diabolical takes a heck of a long time to get going, and once it does, the simple fact…

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An Exorcist TV pilot? What Sweet Hell is This?

Posted on March 2, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I don’t wear hats but if I did, I would give a tip of the hat to my friends over at Horrorpedia for the news that apparently, a pilot has been put into production for an Exorcist TV show.

And then I would sigh. Actually, that’s what I’m doing right now.

Seriously, an Exorcist TV show? Which dumbfug toadsucker thought this was a good idea? What damnable dumbfuckery is this?

Oh! And hey, the pilot is being written by the same guy who wrote the Fantastic Four movie! It gets even better!

For what it’s worth, here’s the plot description:

Two very different men — Father Tomas Ortega (Alfonso Herrera) and Father Marcus Lang (Ben Daniels) — tackle one family’s case of horrifying demonic possession and confronting the face of true evil…

To be honest, I could probably get enthusiastic if the show was a prequel about the early life of Father Merrin. But this sounds more like a remake of Deliver Us From Evil and that movie was pretty bad! I mean, not even Joel McHale could save that movie…

And seriously — what type of priest is named Marcus Lang?

Here’s hoping that Pazuzu puts a stop to this before the legacy of a true horror classic is tarnished any further.

Artwork of the Day: Horror 7

Posted on March 2, 2016 by Dazzling Erin

By Robert Maguire

Cleaning Out The DVR: Born Yesterday (dir by George Cukor)

Posted on March 1, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I watched Goodbye, Mr. Chips, I decided to watch one more film that I had recorded off of TCM. The movie I chose was Born Yesterday.

This 1950 film was directed by George Cukor and stars three Academy Award winners. The lead actor was William Holden, who would win best actor three years after the release of Born Yesterday. The villain was played Broderick Crawford, just a year after playing his Oscar-winning role in All The King’s Men. Finally, the true star of the film was Judy Holliday, recreating her Broadway role of “dumb intelligent blonde” Billie Dawn. For playing Billie, Holliday would win the award for best actress of the year.

In Born Yesterday, Billie is the girlfriend of Harry Brock (Broderick Crawford). The crude and not particularly intelligent Harry has made a fortune as a “junkman” and, though the film never comes out and explicitly says so, it is suggested that Harry may have ties to the Mafia. Harry has come to Washington, convinced that he can buy his way into political power. Harry’s lawyer (Howard St. John) suggests that Harry should marry Billie, specifically because a wife cannot be compelled to testify against her husband.

However, there’s a problem. Billie is uneducated and lacks formal manners. Of course, Harry is even worse but then again, Harry is a rich white guy and, therefore, he doesn’t have to be polite or know what he’s talking about After Billie embarrasses him during a meeting with a congressman, Harry hires journalist Paul Verrall (William Holden) to teach Billie how to fit in with Washington society. At first, Paul refuses but, ultimately, he takes the job because he needs the money.

As Paul teaches Billie, it quickly becomes apparent that Billie is not as dumb as everyone assumes. In fact, she has an insatiable desire to learn. When Paul takes her on a tour of Washington, Billie is excited to learn the story behind every monument and to take a look at every historical artifact. (When Paul shows her the bill of rights, Billie immediately reads the 2nd Amendment and gets Paul to explain it to her. As Paul explained that it meant that citizens had the right to bear arms, my sister walked through the room and said, “You got that right.”) Judy Holliday perfectly captures Billie’s excitement as, for the first time in her life, she’s actually treated like someone with a brain.

Billie also starts to fall in love with Paul. After reading one of Paul’s articles, an obviously impressed Billie tells him, “I think it’s the best thing I ever read. I didn’t understand a word.” At the same time, Paul starts to fall for Billie.

Meanwhile, Harry is not falling for anyone but himself. He continues to bribe congressmen but now, Billie not only realizes what Harry is doing but also understands that it’s illegal and goes against everything that the authors of the Constitution envisioned. After a rather nasty scene in which she is repeatedly slapped by Harry, Billie goes down to the Lincoln Memorial, hears the voice of old Abe himself, and is finally ready to stand up for herself, for Paul, and for the American way of life.

(“When you steal from the government, you steal from yourself, you dumb ox!” she yells at Harry.)

Born Yesterday was based on a stage play and, with the exception of the scenes where Paul and Billie explore D.C., the entire film takes place in Harry’s hotel suite. The film never quite escapes its theatrical origins. Broderick Crawford bellows his lines out to the last row and William Holden feels miscast. (That same year, he gave a far more interesting performance in Sunset Boulevard.)

But ultimately, Born Yesterday is mostly designed to showcase Judy Holliday as Billie Dawn. When the film first started, I have to admit that I had my doubts about Holliday’s performance. Her character was so stereotypically ditzy and spoke in such a nasal whine of a voice that I found myself wishing that the film had been made with either Marilyn Monroe or even Jayne Mansfield in the Billie Dawn role. But, as the film progresses, I started to better appreciate Holliday’s performance. I started to notice the sadness and the insecurity lurking underneath the surface. I discovered that there was unexpected nuance to both the character and the performance. By the time she was running through the National Archives and asking Paul questions about George Washington, she had totally won me over.

Still, Holliday’s victory for best actress does seem a little strange. After all, to win the Oscar, Holliday defeated All About Eve‘s Bette Davis and Anne Baxter and Sunset Boulevard‘s Gloria Swanson. Holliday’s performance definitely deserved a nomination but it’s a bit more difficult to argue that it deserved the Oscar. Of course, Davis and Baxter played two tough and sarcastic divas, neither one of whom depended on a man for their success. Swanson, meanwhile, played an older woman who ends up murdering her much younger lover. Billie, meanwhile, is never without a girlfriend and doesn’t murder anyone. Perhaps it’s understandable that certain Academy voters would be more comfortable with Billie Dawn than they would with Norma Desmond or Margo Channing.

Born Yesterday was also nominated for best picture but it lost to All About Eve.

Cleaning Out The DVR: Goodbye, Mr. Chips (dir by Sam Wood)

Posted on March 1, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After watching Yankee Doodle Dandy, I watched another old best picture nominee that was sitting on my DVR. Goodbye, Mr. Chips was nominated for best picture of 1939, a year that many consider to be one of the best cinematic years on record. Just consider some of the other films that were nominated in that year: Mr. Smith Goes To Washington, Dark Victory, Ninotchka, The Wizard of Oz, Stagecoach, Love Affair, Wuthering Heights, Of Mice and Men, and, of course, Gone With The Wind. Goodbye, Mr. Chips may not have won best picture but its star, Robert Donat, did win the Oscar for Best Actor, defeating Clark Gable, Jimmy Stewart, Laurence Olivier, and Mickey Rooney.

Robert Donat plays the title character, a British teacher named Charles Edward Chipping (affectionately known as Mr. Chips). The film follows Mr. Chips over the course of 63 years, from his arrival as a new Latin teacher to the last night of his life. When he first starts to work at Brookfield Public School, the young and inexperienced Mr. Chips proves himself to be a strict teacher, the type who enforces discipline and may be respected but will never be loved by his students. It’s only after he falls in love with the outspoken Kathy Bridges (Greer Garson) that Mr. Chips starts to truly enjoy life.

After marrying Kathy, Mr. Chips relaxes. He becomes a better teacher, one who is capable of inspiring his students as well as teaching them. After Kathy dies in childbirth, Mr. Chips deals with his sadness by devoting all of his time to his many pupils.

While Mr. Chips deals with both new students and headmasters who view him as being too old-fashioned, the world marches off to war. When World War I breaks out and there is a shortage of teachers, the elderly Mr. Chips serves as headmaster. Each Sunday, in the chapel, he reads the names of former students (many of whom he taught) who have been killed in the war. In perhaps the film’s best scene, he teaches a class while German bombs fall nearby, keeping his students calm and positive by having them translate Julius Caesar’s account of his own battle against the Germans.

The bombing scene is interesting for another reason. Mr. Chips was filmed and released in 1939, shortly before Britain declared war on Nazi Germany. Goodbye, Mr. Chips is not just a sentimental tribute to a teacher. It’s also a tribute to the strength and resilience of the British people. With the world on the verge of a second great war, Goodbye, Mr. Chips said that it was going to be tough, it was going to be scary, and there was going to be much loss but that the British would survive and ultimately be victorious.

And, as we all know, the film was right.

While the Oscar definitely should have gone to Jimmy Stewart for his performance in Mr. Smith Goes To Washington, Robert Donat still gives a sweet and touching performance as Mr. Chips. And the film’s ending brought very real tears to my mismatched eyes. Goodbye, Mr. Chips may be sentimental but it’s sentimental in the best possible way.