Following The Amazon Prime Recommendation Worm #6: A Touch of Grey (2009), Truth or Dare (1994), 57,000 Kilometers Between Us (2008), Login (2013)

Posted on March 5, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

Well, this one should be short because there really isn’t much to say about these movies other than don’t watch any of them. At least none of them are South Korean this time!

A Touch of Grey (2009, dir. Sandra Feldman & Ian Mah) –

Well, at least the trailer is honest. It shows you four women whining in a room, and that’s exactly what you get. I love how there’s a review on IMDb that calls it a post-Sex and the City film. Wow! That’s high praise there. Not really. I call it what happens when you have four good actresses and no budget to actually film outside of a hotel room so the audience is constantly left wondering why these four women are doing absolutely nothing but ruminating about their lousy lives.

I believe they leave twice and we never see it, but just see them come back. I remember the first leading to the especially annoying girl getting duct taped to a chair for what they say was a “penis foot wrestle.”

The second time I think the annoying girl just leaves for a while before coming back. If you want to hear middle-aged women waste getting together for the first time in a long time instead of actually going out and doing things together, then here you go. Oh, and none of their endless rambling causes any of them to really change either. They are the same as when they arrived.

I particularly enjoyed the part when they bitch about women’s lib. Hey geniuses! Go home, put your foot down, and tell your husband the household duties get divided or you leave. I know it isn’t easy, but I don’t recall this even coming up as a solution. In fact, the lady who put this thing together even rolls over and takes it via a cellphone call at the end of the movie. They really just go on and on ruminating over their problems instead of actually talking about solutions. As I already said, they also don’t bother to go anywhere to help clear their heads so they only get dumber as time goes on. And no, this is not like Jeanne Dielman (1975) where there is a point to all the tedium and boredom so that we understand the final action of the movie. In the case of this movie, that would be the main lady agreeing to pick up groceries on her way home.

It’s not awful, but it really felt like a waste of my time. It’s for people who want to watch four women in a room drink, yack, and complain about taking it up the ass from their husbands, but not actually accomplishing anything in the end.

I’m sorry if I’m especially harsh on this movie, but I’m really sick of these cheap movies that think getting actors in a room, maybe knowing how to shoot them, and having them talk at length equals something meaningful and insightful.

Oh, and for that one person who might want to leave this comment. I am well aware that women tend to bond by sharing secrets/talking and men tend to bond by doing things together. That fact doesn’t make this movie any better.

Edit: Yes, I am aware one of the ladies left her husband and still isn’t happy. This making it seem like there is no way out doesn’t make any difference to the film.

Truth or Dare (1994, dir. François Ozon) – I guess cause the other movie had adults sitting around drinking and doing nothing, then Amazon thought I would want to watch a really short film about some kids playing truth or dare. Basically a few kids play truth or dare and the game leads towards sexual things till all of sudden I guess one of them said a dare that was especially noteworthy cause one of them looks into the camera and the movie ends. Unless you are already a fan of the director who has gone on to do numerous feature films such as Swimming Pool (2003), then don’t bother with this.

57,000 Kilometers Between Us (2008, dir. Delphine Kreuter) – Since Truth or Dare looked like an episode of The Kids Of Degrassi Street, but in French and Amazon Prime apparently knew I am transgender, it recommended this piece of French arthouse garbage that is shot like it belongs on public access television in the late 1970s/earlier 1980s with transgender actress Stéphanie Michelini playing a trans woman. It was awful.

Here is the plot. Sort of. The movie is based on the title. The distance created by technology although the filmmakers apparently couldn’t afford to use technology that didn’t make this thing look 35+ years old (or a bad Dogme 95 film). Some girl and a kid in a hospital play an MMORPG. A father likes to broadcast everything that goes on in his home with his wife and family on the Internet. One of the kids in here is estranged from her “father” that is played by Stéphanie Michelini as Nicole. That’s it! The movie frantically jumps around this stuff and never amounts to anything.

I love the reviews on IMDb for this one. One person really saw way more than there is while the other person was actually at the preimere where apparently 80% of the audience got up and left before the lights came up even though the director was their for a Q & A.

Don’t waste your time on this one.

Login or Log In (2013, dir. Ákos Barnóczky) – Yep, just like last time, we end with a Hungarian film. I have very little idea what was going on with this film. It’s all told via webcam chats. There are a few times when you can see both sides at the same time, but it largely cuts back and forth of single shots of the actors. That is if there is even someone there to talk to. I believe sometimes they are just leaving a video message for the other person, but it wasn’t clear to me.

The movie begins with a woman logging into her estranged or ex-husbands video dating account to find a woman with a mask on. This somehow then leads her to find a guy I just refer to as Hungarian Christian Bale.

I don’t know why, but he agrees to help her I guess track down who this woman is. There’s something tying them together and two other people are trying to manipulate both of them. I not only lost the plot, but any interest in this movie quickly. It’s apparently based on Dangerous Liaisons, which I haven’t seen or read. However, the plot summary on IMDb makes it clear it’s just more period piece backstabbing garbage, which is how this movie came across to me.

If you do like Dangerous Liaisons and can put up with the webcam style of storytelling here, then maybe see it. I can’t recommend it to anyone else unless you really want to see Hungarian Bale actually talk and move. This movie isn’t even in IMDb as I write this post. I submitted it though so it will show up eventually.

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Here’s hoping I will be able to recommend at least one of the next four movies in what appears to be a never ending journey. I am up to 54 films now.

Film Review: Nightmare Nurse (dir by Craig Moss)

Posted on March 5, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Earlier tonight, I watched Nightmare Nurse, the latest thriller to make its premiere on Lifetime.

Let’s just start with an obvious point. Nightmare Nurse is a great title. It’s a title that screams melodrama and danger. It’s a title that says, “You must watch, you must watch!” If there was a TV series called Nightmare Nurse, I would watch and review every episode. If a character named Nightmare Nurse ever shows up in a Marvel comic book movie, I guarantee that she will become the most popular character since that talking raccoon. Nightmare Nurse is a title that epitomizes everything that we love about Lifetime movies.

The other point I would like to make is that, according to the imdb, Nightmare Nurse was filmed in Los Angeles. I was actually shocked to discover this because everything about it screamed, “Canada!” As I watched the movie, I just naturally assumed that it was filmed in either Montreal or Toronto, like so many other Lifetime films. But no, Nightmare Nurse was actually filmed in the U.S.

As for what the film is about … well, this is an odd one. It starts out like a normal Lifetime film and, for the first 75 minutes or so, it plays out like a normal Lifetime film. And then suddenly, things get really weird and, for the final 15 minutes, it’s like you’re watching an entirely different movie. This is one of those Lifetime films that has a big out-of-nowhere twist that really doesn’t make much sense. After you find out about the twist, you find yourself obsessing on how little sense it makes. In order for the plot of Nightmare Nurse to work, you have to believe that someone would come up with the most needlessly complicated plan necessary to accomplish a relatively simply goal.

But look, I’m not going to spoil things. If you want to talk about the ending, do so in the comments. But for this review, I will stay try to stay true to the no spoiler rule.

Nightmare Nurse tells the story of Brooke (Sarah Butler) and her boyfriend, Lance (Steve Good). One night, Lance is driving Brooke home from her job as a sous chef when, suddenly, a man wanders out into the middle of the street. Lance loses control of the car. The man is killed and Lance ends up with a broken leg. At the hospital, both Brooke and Lance are taken care of by Nurse Barb (Traci Lords). But, since Barb can’t go home with them, they have to hire a home nurse once they’re discharged from the hospital.

Brooke ends up hiring Chloe (Lindsay Hartley) and, as soon as Chloe showed up at the house, I was just like, “No! Stop! No way would I ever hire someone who looks like Chloe to take care of my boyfriend!” Seriously, if I’m hiring a nurse to spend all day with my boyfriend while I’m at work, you better believe that I am going to hire the ugliest nurse that I possibly can.

And you know what else I would probably do? I would probably run a background check or at least ask for references. Brooke doesn’t do any of this so should she really be all that surprised when Chloe turns out to be totally batshit crazy? Soon, Chloe is flirting with Lance and subtly suggesting that he and Brooke really aren’t that compatible. Meanwhile, Brooke is stuck working for a British chef. (Julian Stone does an okay job in the role but I would have loved to have seen a Gordon Ramsay cameo here.) Seriously, people — do a background check.

So, Chloe’s crazy, right? Well, yes but that’s not all! There’s a whole other layer of conspiracy going on. It’s all revealed during the final 15 minutes of the movie and it pretty much comes out of nowhere. This is one of those films where the mystery is solved largely through coincidence and luck as opposed to any use of intelligence on the part of anyone in the film.

I never though I’d say this about a Lifetime film but Nightmare Nurse is almost too implausible for its own good. On the positive side, Lindsay Hartley is properly unhinged as Chloe and Steve Good is likable as couch-bound Lance. Nightmare Nurse may not be the best Lifetime film that I’ve ever seen but I would definitely watch Nightmare Nurse II because a good title is a good title.

Caught in the Draft: Abbott & Costello in BUCK PRIVATES (Universal 1941)

Posted on March 5, 2016 by gary loggins

cracked rear viewer

The comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello don’t get much love these days. They belong to another era, but there was a time that Abbott & Costello were the most popular comedy duo in the nation, consistently landing in the top ten box office rankings. They honed their snappy patter and slapstick routines in burlesque, got national attention on Kate Smith’s radio show, and made their film debut in ONE NIGHT IN THE TROPICS. Universal Studios sat up and took notice, signing the boys to a contract and starring them in BUCK PRIVATES, creating a simple formula that would serve the team well for the better part of the decade: put Bud and Lou into a situation that allows them to perform their tried-and-true routines, add a romantic subplot, surround them with solid support, toss in some popular music acts, and let ’em run wild.

Slicker (Bud) and Herbie (Lou) are street…

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Cleaning Out The DVR: Anthony Adverse (dir by Mervyn LeRoy)

Posted on March 5, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Late last night, I continued to clean out my DVR by watching the 1936 film, Anthony Adverse.

I recorded Anthony Adverse off of TCM, where it was being shown as a part of that channel’s 31 Days of Oscars. Anthony Adverse was aired because it was nominated for Best Picture of 1936. That’s significant because, if not for that nomination, I doubt that anyone would ever have a reason to watch Anthony Adverse. It’s certainly one of the more obscure best picture nominees. Despite a prestigious cast and being directed by the respectable Mervyn LeRoy, Anthony Adverse only has a handful of reviews over at the imdb. And most of those reviews were written by Oscar fanatics like me.

Anthony Adverse is an epic historical film, one that tells the story of Anthony Adverse (Frederic March). Anthony is the illegitimate son of Denis Moore (Louis Hayward) and Maria (Anita Louise), the wife of evil Spanish nobleman, Don Luis (Claude Rains, convincing as a nobleman but not as someone from Spain). Luis murdered Denis and Maria died giving birth so Luis abandons the baby at an Italian convent. Anthony is raised by nuns and priests and then, 10 years later, is apprenticed to an English merchant named John Bonnyfeather (Edmund Gwenn). Bonnyfeather just happens to be Anthony’s grandfather! Though Luis told him that Anthony died as soon as he was born, Bonnyfeather quickly figures out that Anthony is his grandson. However, Bonnyfeather doesn’t share that information with Anthony and instead, he gives Anthony the surname “Adverse.”

Bonnyfeather raises Anthony as his own son. Anthony grows up to be Frederic March and ends up falling in love with and marrying the beautiful Angela (Olivia De Havilland). However, Anthony is suddenly called away on business to Havana, Cuba. He doesn’t even have a chance to tell Angela that he’s leaving. He does leave her a note but it blows away. Assuming that she’s been abandoned, Angela goes to France, becomes an opera singer, and is soon the mistress of Napoleon.

Meanwhile, in Cuba, Anthony becomes convinced that Angela has intentionally abandoned him. Consumed by grief, he ends up running a slave trading post in Africa. He takes one of the slaves, Neleta (Steffi Duna), as his mistress and becomes known for his cruelty. However, he eventually meets Brother Francois (Pedro de Cordoba) and starts to reconsider his ways.

(The film’s treatment of the slave trade is …. well, it’s awkward to watch. The film is undoubtedly critical of slavery but, at the same time, it’s hard not to notice that the only slave with a prominent part in the film is played by a Hungarian actress. Anthony may eventually reject cruelty but it’s left ambiguous as to whether or not he rejects the slave trade as a business. If Anthony Adverse were made today, one imagines that this section of the film would be handled much differently.)

Meanwhile, back in Europe, Bonnyfeather is dying and his housekeeper, Faith (Gale Sondergaard, who won the first ever Oscar awarded for Best Supporting Actress for her performance here), plots to claim his fortune.

After I watched the movie but before I started this review, I did some research and I discovered that Anthony Adverse was based on a 1,222-page best seller that came out in 1933. I’m going to guess that the film’s long and ponderous story may have worked better on the page than it does on the screen. As a film, Anthony Adverse clocks in at 141 minute and it feels even longer. Despite the impressive cast, the film just never clicks. It’s never that interesting.

At the same time, I can understand why it was nominated for best picture. It’s a big movie, full of characters and extravagant sets and ornate costumes. You can tell it was an expensive movie to make and there’s enough philosophical dialogue that you can pretend there’s something going on underneath the surface. In the 1936, Anthony Adverse may have been quite impressive but seen today, it’s forgettable.

Anthony Adverse lost best picture to another overproduced extravaganza, The Great Ziegfield. Personally, I would have given the award to the unnominated My Man Godfrey.

4 Shots From 4 Shows: Degrassi, Lost, Community, Ringer

Posted on March 5, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films is all about letting the visuals do the talking.

Welcome to a special TV edition of 4 Shots From 4 Films!

4 Shots From 4 Shows