What Lisa Watched Last Night: Do No Harm (dir. by Philippe Gagnon)

Last night, once I had watched the new episodes of Survivor and South Park and the series finale of One Tree Hill (yes, it was still on the air), I decided to watch a Lifetime movie before bedtime.  (And by bedtime, I mean time that I spent in bed because I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night.)  Anyway, the movie that I ended up watching was called Do No Harm.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because it was a Lifetime movie, of course!  As if you had to ask…

As well, Do No Harm is the latest made-for-TV Canadian film to make its American “world premiere” on the Lifetime Movie Network.  At times, it seems like every single film that pops up on Lifetime was sent to us by Canada.  Certainly, the best ones do.  Myself, I love watching these films and spotting the scenes where Montreal is obviously standing in for New York City.  I also enjoy how these films always seem to star a vaguely recognizable American TV star and a bunch of pleasant and polite people who all have French last names.  Proud American that I am, I occasionally fantasize about running off to Canada and Lifetime and Degrassi are to blame…

What Was It About?

So, Emily Edmunds (played by Deanna Russo) is a fashion designer who is engaged to the perfect guy but then, a few days before their wedding, her fiancée goes on a business trip and, a few hours after he leaves, Emily sees a news report about how his plane has crashed and there’s no survivors so Emily decides to kill herself but since there wouldn’t be a movie if she died after the first 15 minutes, Emily is saved and ends up getting checked into a mental hospital where she bonds with her therapist Dr. Thorne (Lauren Holly) but — uh oh! — it turns out that Dr. Thorne has some issues of her own and ends up developing a psychotic obsession on Emily and when Emily is finally all like, “Leave me alone, psycho,” Dr. Thorne responds by kidnapping Emily and then murdering a lot of people with a shotgun, poison, and finally some hit-and-run driving.

Hold on a minute, let me catch my breath.

Did you get all that?

 What Worked?

In the great tradition of low-budget Canadian filmmaking, this movie was ultimately so bad that it was good.  It’s hard not to admire how the filmmakers take a genuinely intriguing premise and then portray it in a way that is so heavy-handed and ludicrous that you can’t help but watch. 

Lauren Holly probably gives the best performance of her career as a caring therapist who, oddly enough, turns out to be a pretty efficient diabolical mastermind.  What I love about films like this is how the villain can go from being sympathetic to creepy to brilliant to remarkable stupid depending on how much time is left in the movie.

I also love how, in these movies, nobody will ever believe that main character even if there’s like a thousand reasons that they should.  Emily’s best friend actually leaves a message in Emily’s voice mail while she’s in the process of being killed by Dr. Thorne and yet not even that is enough to get Thorne arrested.  It reminded me of that episode of South Park where Cartman pretends to be a psychic and gets everyone but the actual serial killer arrested. 

That was a really funny episode, by the way.

What Didn’t Work?

Unfortunately, you really can’t have “so bad it’s good” without the bad.  Then again, this was a Lifetime movie and it kept me entertained so, as far as I’m concerned, it all worked.

“Oh My God!  Just like me!” Moments

Needless to say, I’ve seen a few therapists over the years and every single one of them was obsessed with me.

Or, at least, I always assumed they were. 

In reality, it was always kind of disappointing for me to realize that they had other patients who spent just as much time with them as I did.


Lessons Learned:

I may, in the future, spend a year living in Canada but I’ll never see a Canadian psychiatrist.

Song of the Day: Hammerheart (by Bathory)

Resident site writer and music-editor necromoonyeti knows more about the history of the Swedish metal band Bathory who helped pioneer not just black metal but an even more awesome subgenre we now know as Viking metal. I’m still educating myself in the sounds of Bathory, but one particular song from their epic discography which has caught my attention would be the 7th song from their 6th album, Twilight of the Gods. This song makes the latest “Song of the Day” and it’s simply called “Hammerheart”.

“Hammerheart” was the only song from Bathory’s sixth album which wasn’t written by it’s founder Quorthon but adapted from English composer Gustav Holst’s orchestral suite The Planets. To be more concise this Bathory adaptation uses an excerpt from The Planets’ fourth movement called “Jupiter”. The Holst song must’ve made quite an impression on Quorthon for it remains one of the more memorable Bathory songs once he switched the band from it’s 80’s black metal days to the slower, heavier style which would become Viking metal.

This song, every time I listen to it, makes me think of the cold, icy fjords being plied by dragonships full of Viking raiders as they move in and out of the rivers and tributaries of mainland Europe to bring their unique brand of culture to mainland Europe. It also makes me think of Viking funerals with this song being played as an accompaniment. I may not have Norse blood in my veins but this song lets me imagine that I do.


Now that the wind called my name
And my star had faded now hardly a glimpse
up in the empty space
And the wise one-eyed great father
in the sky stilled my flame

For the ones who stood me near
And you few who were me dear
I ask of thee to have no doubts and no fears

For when the great clouds fills the air
And the thunder roars from o, so
far away up in the sky
Then for sure you will know that I have
reached the joyous hall up high

With my bloodbrothers at side
All sons of father with one eye
We were all born in the land of the blood on ice

And now you all who might hear my song
Brought to you by the northern wind have no fear
Though the night may seem so everlasting
and forever dark

There will come a golden dawn
At ends of nights for all yee on whom
Upon the northstar always shines

The vast gates to hall up high
Shall stand open wide and welcome you
with all its within
And Oden shall hail us bearers of a pounding

Film Review: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (dir. by Joseph Zito)

(spoilers below)

Today, continuing our look at the Friday the 13th horror franchise, we consider the misnamed Friday the 13th — The Final ChapterOriginally released in 1984, this film apparently was really sold as being the final chapter and Tom Savini even returned to do the gore effects because, supposedly, he wanted to kill off his most famous creation.  To be honest, that all sounds like a lot of hype and hucksterism to me but, regardless of the title’s insincerity, The Final Chapter is one of the best (some would say the best) installments in the series.

The Final Chapter begins less than an hour after the end of Part 3.  (One of the curious things about the Friday the 13th series is that the 2nd, 3rd, and fourth films all occur during the same long weekend.  It never seems to disturb anyone in the 3rd or 4th film that a bunch of people have just been murdered in the same general area.)  Jason, who was killed by the terrible Chris Higgins at the end of Part 3, is taken down to the county morgue where he promptly turns out to not be dead after all.  He kills a nurse and an orderly and then, instead of continuing to seek vengeance on Chris (with whom he was pretty much obsessed in Part 3) , he decides to go kill a whole bunch of other people who have just shown up at Crystal Lake for the weekend. 

Those other people are a group of dorky but rather likable college students who have rented a house on the lake.  This is probably the most quirky group of vacationers ever to come to Crystal Lake and it’s a credit to an unusually strong (and unsung) ensemble cast that you actually do believe that these people are friends.  In the group, we have Doug (a dreamy Peter Barton), shy virgin Sarah (Barbara Howard, who is so believable as a nice girl that I felt bad for her when she died), Paul (Alan Hayes), Paul’s slutty girlfriend Samantha (Judie Aronson), and finally heterosexual life partners Jimmy (Crispin Glover) and Ted (Lawrence Monoson).  Jimmy and Ted provide the film with its “comic relief,” the majority of which is pretty weak but Crispin Glover gives such an odd performance that he’s enjoyable nonetheless.  Eventually, our vacationers meet two twins, Tina and Terri (Camilla and Carey Moore) and then they all go back to the house to watch old nudie films and Crispin Glover does a hilariously spastic dance before losing his virginity to one of the twins.  (“Was I a dead fuck?” he asks after, with an aching sincerity.)  And then Sarah gets ready to lose her virginity to Doug but then that defender of purity, Jason (played here by Ted White), pops up and kills everyone.  Seriously, Jason had a busy weekend.

Unfortunately for Jason, Trish Jarvis (Kimberly Beck) and her little brother Tommy (Corey Feldman, who gives a pretty good performance here even if Tommy is kind of a brat when you get right down to it), happen to live next door.  Trish is prepared for Jason because she has previously met yet another camper — Rob (Erich Anderson),who specifically came up to Crystal Lake to track down and kill Jason because Jason killed his sister Sandra in Part 2.  (Of course, by the series chronology, Sandra only died two days ago so I guess Rob moves pretty quickly.)  Also unfortunate for Jason, Tommy is an aspiring makeup artist who makes himself up to look like Jason and, in the surprisingly exciting finale, uses his skills to fool Jason and then hack him up while screaming, “DIE!” all the while.

Plotwise, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter is a pretty standard slasher film and, at times, it asks the audience to suspend its disbelief just a little bit too much.  Whenever I see the scene where Tina is pulled out the second story window, I always find myself wondering 1) how Jason managed to climb up the side of the house in the rain, 2) why did he decide to do that when, in the previous scene, he was already inside the house, and 3) why didn’t anyone inside the house hear Tina crashing into the station wagon below.  And yet, despite this, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter is considered by many (including me) to be the best of the series. 

To me, this film succeeds because of two men — Joseph Zito and Tom Savini.    Whereas later Friday the 13th directors often times seemed to be ashamed of the films they were making, Zito was an exploitation vet who had already directed one of the most brutal slashers of all time, The Prowler.  As a director, Zito specialized in telling simple stories as brutally and efficiently as possible.  That’s certainly what he does here and the end result is a fast-paced Friday the 13th that — as opposed to Part 3 — didn’t suffer from any excessive filler.  As well, Zito also does a good job in framing and executing the film’s many tracking and p.o.v. shots, continually keeping the audience off-balance as to whether we’re seeing the camera’s point-of-view or Jason’s. Meanwhile, Tom Savini’s gore effects are just as realistic and disturbing as in the first film.  This is an undeniably bloody film that, at the same time, never slips into tedious “torture porn,” and both Zito and Savini deserve a lot of credit for that.

(Incidentally, here’s a little trivia for all of you Maniac fans — did you know that Joe Spinell’s loathsome Frank Zito was actually named after Joe Zito, who was apparently friends with William Lustig.)

Of all the Friday the 13th films, The Final Chapter probably features the strongest cast.  It certainly features one of the best “final girls”, with Kimberly Beck giving the type of strong performance  that Dana Kimmell failed to supply in Part 3.  Though only Corey Feldman and Crispin Glover would go on to any greater fame, the entire cast is likable and, as opposed to previous and future installments, no one gives a weak performance.  (Even the gimmicky twins do well enough.)  Though I know several people will laugh at this, I sincerely believe that there is an art to giving an effective performance in a film like Friday the 13th.  The key, I think, is to be likable enough that people will watch you and wish you well yet, at the same time, to be bland enough that nobody will be traumatized by your eventual death.  If anything, the cast of The Final Chapter isn’t quite bland enough.  Everyone brings almost too much life to these thinly drawn characters and, as a result,  it’s hard not to feel a little bit traumatized when they start dying.  Crispin Glover, for instance, gave such a quirky and interesting performance that I was actually pretty depressed to see him get that meat cleaver buried in his face.  As well, Peter Barton and Barbara Howard make such a cute couple that it’s upsetting that neither one of them survives to the end of the film. 

Despite the film’s title, the fourth installment of the Friday the 13th franchise was hardly the final chapter and it’s pretty obvious that it was never meant to be.  While I know that some people do complain about the cynicism behind the film’s title, I happen to love it.  It’s like a throwback to the classic old exploitation films that were always sold with sordid titles — like Too Young To Die and Arrested at 17 — that in no way reflected the actual content of the film.  Slasher films are the direct descendants of movies like Reefer Madness and Dwain Esper’s Maniac and it’s nice to see that heritage honored with the false promise of a final chapter.

Though the film’s ending was clearly set up to allow Tommy to eventually take Jason’s place (and, seriously, imagine how disturbing that could have been), Jason would eventually return.  But first, the series would take a major detour with its most over-the-top chapter yet.  We’ll talk about the infamous Friday the 13th — A New Beginning tomorrow.