Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.9 “The Thanksgiving Cruise/The Best of Friends/Too Many Dads/Love Will Find A Way”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come aboard….

It’s a holiday….

THE LOOOOOOOOOOVE BOAT

Episode 6.9 “The Thanksgiving Cruise/The Best of Friends/Too Many Dads/Love Will Find A Way”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on November 20th, 1982)

It’s Thanksgiving and the Love Boat crew is not getting along!

It all starts when Gopher makes a joke about Doc being a womanizer.  Doc, who has spent five seasons bragging about being a womanizer, gets offended and stops talking to Gopher.  Isaac tries to give Gopher some advice but Gopher offends him by saying that he’s sick of hearing stories about the wisdom of Isaac’s grandfather.  (I have never heard Isaac mention his grandfather in the past.)  Julie gets mad when Doc says that he didn’t care much for some of her past hairstyles.  (Julie’s hair does look terrible this episode.)  Everyone is fighting …. except for Captain Stubing and Vicki.  They do have an argument but Stubing refuses to take it personally and Vicki says she could never stay angry with her father.  Awwwww!

(I think it’s seriously irresponsible to raise someone on a cruise ship but I still tear up at the Stubing/Vicki scenes.  Can you tell I’m missing my Dad?)

I have to admit that it kind of upset me to see the Love Boat crew fighting.  The passengers come and go but the crew has remained the same for six seasons and their likable chemistry has always been one of the show’s greatest strengths.  Julie getting mad at Doc?  No, it can’t happen!  We all know Julia and Doc are secretly in love!  I was really concerned that the crew was going to have a bad  Thanksgiving but luckily, everyone forgave everyone else in time for Thanksgiving.

I was so worried about the crew that I barely paid attention to the other two stories.  Lorne Greene and Dorothy McGuire played parents who were initially alarmed when their daughter (Wendy Schaal) announced that she was going to marry a paraplegic (Jim Knaub).  Luckily, they saw the error of their ways.  Meanwhile, Michael Lembeck boarded the boat with a court order that stated that he had been given legal custody of B.J. Lewis (Christian Jacobs), who was traveling with his stepfather, Roger (Richard Hatch).  In the end, everyone agreed that Roger was the better father and B.J.’s biological father gave up custody which …. I don’t know.  That doesn’t seem like something that would happen in real life.  I mean, if you go through the trouble of hiring expensive lawyers and then storm a cruise ship, I don’t think you’re just going to shrug and give up.

“Now I have two Dads!” BJ announces.

Kid, one of your Dads just rejected you.

Oh well!  It’s Thanksgiving!  And I’m giving thanks that the Love Boat crew all learned an important lesson about friendship.  That’s what life is all about.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.2 “The Big Switch/Hooker’s Holiday”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, the tyranny of Laurence continues.

Episode 7.2 “The Big Switch/Hooker’s Holiday”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on October 15th, 1983)

Shelley James (Melinda Culea) is a high-priced call girl who comes to Fantasy Island looking for an escape from her life.  For one weekend, she wants not only a normal life but also a chance to meet a man who will love her without paying her for sex.  Luckily, Brad Jacobs (Richard Hatch) is also on the Island!

This is the type of fantasy that Fantasy Island handled well in the past.  It doesn’t work out quite as well this episode became Mr. Roarke’s new servant (there’s no other word for him), Laurence, makes some rather snarky and judgmental comments about Shelly and her profession (asking at one point whether she’s on the Island for a fantasy or to give someone a fantasy) and it just feels totally wrong.  One of the good things about Fantasy Island was that Roarke never judged the people asking for fantasies.  He may have warned them about what they would discover.  Sometimes, he manipulated them to help them discover something important about themselves.  But once you were allowed to come to the Island, Roarke didn’t judge you and neither did Tattoo.  In fact, Tattoo was probably even less judgmental than Roarke.  Tattoo knew what it was like to be judged.  Laurence, on the other hand, is a snooty British butler and seems personally offended by Shelley’s presence on the Island.  (Eventually, after she shares her tragic backstory, he comes around but still, it shouldn’t take a sad story to get people to treat each other with decency.)  Laurence is the type of employee who would keep me from wanting to visit the Island.  I fear he would tell me that my skirt was too short or something.

As for the other fantasy, Laura Walter (Katharine Helmond) feels that her husband George Walter (Vic Tayback) is a chauvinist and she’s right.  She wants him to experience what it’s like to be a woman so Roarke arranges for them to switch bodies.  Laura is in George’s body and George is in Laura’s body but for some reason, the show dubs their voices so, whenever George speaks, we hear Laura’s voice and whenever Laura speaks, we hear George’s voice.  It’s a bit awkward.  Why would their voice switch too?  Anyway, Laura discovers that women tend to toss themselves at George and George discovers that his business partner is a lech.

It’s the final season and final seasons often feel uninspired.  That was certainly the case with this episode.  Even the reliable Ricardo Montalban seemed bored with it all.  In the end, it’s just not as much fun without Herve Villechaize around.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.1 and 3.2 “Roller Disco”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, season three begins with a classic episode!

Episode 3.1 and 3.2 “Roller Disco”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on September 22nd, 1979)

It’s the roller disco episode!

From the moment that I first announced that I would be watching and reviewing CHiPs for this feature, people have been telling me about the legendary roller disco episode.  Having finally reached it, I can say that it lived up to the hype.  You’re not likely to see anything more 70s than the third season premiere of CHiPs.

Now, this was a two-hour episode so there were actually quite a few subplot going on, all of which were typical CHiPs storylines.  In no particular order:

  1. A kid named Mark (Bobby Rolofson) is roller skating around the beach and idolizing three criminals.  Can Baker show him that the good guys always win?
  2. The three criminals are Lita (Helena Kallianiotes), Ty (Fred Williamson), and Romo (Jim Brown).  Lita sets up the targets.  Ty and Romo steal their purses and their wallets and then escape on roller skates.  Ty and Romo are tired of breaking the law.  Lita demands that they continue to steal.  Eventually, it falls to Baker and Ponch to arrest them.
  3. Carlin (Larry Linville) and Franco (Larry Storch) continually cause accidents on the highway.
  4. Rock star Jimmy Tyler (Leif Garrett) is so tired that he sleeps through one of those accidents.  Looking to break free from his well-meaning but overbearing manager (Bill Daily), Jimmy decides to manage his own affairs while staying at Jon Baker’s apartment.

There’s a lot going on but the main plotline is Ponch trying to find celebrities to take part in the annual highway patrol fund raiser.  Even with his big smile, Ponch struggles to charm the celebs.  He pulls over Ed McMahon at one point but fails to recognize him until McMahon drives off.  Gatraer tells Ponch that police work comes first but also tells him that he has to find celebrities.  Gatraer’s been giving Ponch a hard time ever since the first season.  Some things never change.

Fortunately, Jimmy feels guilty for overstaying his welcome at Baker’s apartment and he makes it up to Baker and Ponch by asking his celebrity friends to take part in the fund raiser.  It’s time for a roller disco with the stars!

It all leads to this classic scene:

I recognized a few of the stars, though certainly not all of them.  I recognized Victor French because I’ve been reviewing Highway to Heaven.  I’ve also seen enough old sitcoms that I immediately recognized Robert Mandan, who was apparently the best roller skater in Hollywood.  Melissa Sue Anderson, I knew from Happy Birthday To Me.  Cindy Williams, who got two shout-outs, I knew from American Graffiti.  Is it just me or did Nancy Kulp look kind of lost?  Neither Melissa Sue Anderson nor Cindy Williams seemed to want to talk to her.

The roller disco actually goes on for fifteen minutes, which I appreciated.  The show promised a roller disco and it delivered.  It was like stepping into a time machine and traveling to the 70s.  It was a great way to start season three!

Because of the holidays, this is going to be my final CHiPs review of 2024.  My reviews of this show will return on January 6th!

Party Line (1988, directed by William Webb)


“Hot singles are waiting to speak to you!”

Remember those party line commercials that used to air late at night in the 90s?  For just a few dollars a minute, you could call and talk to someone claiming to be a hot woman in your area of town.  (The commercials always featured women because everyone understood that only men would be dumb enough to call the number.)  Even when I was a teenager, I knew that there was no way that a young, hot woman was sitting at home alone and waiting for a stranger to call her.  But obviously, some people thought they were true because those party lines commercials aired for a long time and really only went away once everything moved online.

In Party Line, Greta Blackburn and Leif Garrett plays homicidal siblings who have money to burn so they spend all of their time on the party line, enticing men to sneak away from their wives and come to their mansion so that they can be murdered.  Detectives Richard Hatch and Shawn Weatherly are assigned to find out why so many married men are turning up dead.  The chief of police is played by Richard Roundtree, who is so smooth that his main purpose in the movie is to remind us that not everyone has to use a party line to pick up women.  It’s a standard 80s thriller that has some moments of unexpected humor, largely due to the contrast between the beautiful and rich killers and the people that they target.  Richard Hatch is wooden in the role of the detective but Shawn Weatherly is attractive and likable as his partner,  Greta Blackburn makes for an excellent femme fatale while Leif Garrett is twitchy but convincing as a killer who likes to wear a bridal gown.

Party Line was made when the idea of adult phone lines was still a new one.  Apparently, when those lines first started to advertise, the part about it costing money wasn’t actually mentioned and could only be discovered by reading the small print at the bottom of a television screen.  Since the small print was not only very small but also usually accompanied by a picture of a blonde in lingerie, no one ever bothered to read it.  I was not one of them but I do know more than a few 90s kids who came home from school to discover a parent waiting to talk to them about the phone bill.  The world was a different place back then.  Today, everyone should know that most hot singles have something better to do than to talk to you and if they don’t, they’re probably killers like people in Party Line.  It’s not worth a dollar for each additional minute.

 

Embracing the Melodrama Part II #52: Best Friends (dir by Noel Nosseck)


best-friends-lobby-3So, this is kind of a weird one.

If the 1975 film Best Friends is known for anything, it’s probably the poster above.  As you can see, it features two women, being watched over by a shadowy group of Native Americans.  That tagline reads: “She became the ravaged victim of a century of revenge!”

Now, it’s often said that the above image has absolutely nothing to do with the actual film.  That’s actually not quite true.  There is a very brief scene where a woman and her boyfriend are at a bar and the boyfriend goads her into doing an impromptu striptease.  Sitting in the audience are some glowering American Indians.  There is a minor confrontation but otherwise, that’s it.  Nobody becomes “the ravaged victim of a century’s revenge.”  Instead, it was simply a marketing plot, used to draw audiences to a film that might otherwise have struggled to have been seen.

Perhaps not surprisingly, Best Friends is a Crown International Production.

CIP_LogoAs for what Best Friends actually is — well, it’s not easy to say.  It’s a very odd and very dark film, one that deals with characters who are ambiguous in more ways than one.  It’s one of those films that would be forgotten if it hadn’t, by chance, been included in a few dozen Mill Creek box sets and yet, from what I can tell, it has made an impression on just about everyone who has seen it.

In many ways, it’s a film that could only have been made in the 1970s.  Pat (Doug Chapin) and Jesse (Richard Hatch) served in Vietnam together and have remained close friends in America.  Jesse is serious and centered.  Pat is wild and impulsive.  Jesse has rented an RV and plans to drive across America with his fiancée, Kathy (Susanne Benton).  Pat suddenly announces that he’s engaged to and maybe he and Jo Ella (Ann Noland) could join Jesse and Kathy on their trip.  Even though Kathy would probably rather not have to share the RV with Pat’s old air force friend and his overly unstable girlfriend, Jesse readily agrees.

Now, I know this all sounds like the setup for a celebration of bromance but Best Friends actually has something else on its mind.  From the minute that Jesse and Pat get in that RV, it becomes obvious that they don’t have as much in common as they once did.  Jesse has matured.  He’s looking forward to the future and he wants to spend his time with Kathy.  Pat, however, is still obsessed with the past and wants to spend all of his time with Jesse.

As they drive across the country, Pat’s behavior starts to become more and more obsessive.  He cruelly breaks off his engagement with Jo Ella and then appears to be personally insulted when Jesse doesn’t do the same with Kathy.  He even buys a motorcycle so that he can ride behind, in front of, or next to the RV, as if the idea of even being inside of Jesse’s domesticated world would contaminate him.

And, since this is a Crown International Picture, Pat isn’t hesitant about using violence to try to keep Jesse and Kathy apart…

So, what is Pat’s problem?  A lot of reviewers have suggested that Pat is in love with Jesse and they’re probably right.  What’s interesting is that, consider that he’s the film’s nominal hero, Jesse isn’t that sympathetic of character.  If anything, he comes across as being a wimp, a guy who says he loves his fiancée but still won’t stand up for her.  As the film progresses, Jesse’s inherent impotence becomes both more obvious and more annoying.  By the end of the film, after all of the tragedy has played out, you can’t help but feel that Jesse and Pat don’t deserve any better than each other.

Best Friends is a deliberately paced and rather haunting little film.  It’s definitely one of the best of the many films to come out of Crown International Pictures.

What Lisa and the Late Night Movie Crew Watched Last Night #107: Prisoners of the Lost Universe (dir by Terry Marcel)


Last night, I gathered with about 17 friends over at SyFyDesigns and we watched an obscure little fantasy film from 1983, Prisoners of the Lost Universe.

P-0002_Prisoners_of_the_Lost_Universe_quad_movie_poster_l

Why Were We Watching It?

We were watching it because we are the late night movie crew and that’s what we do.  We watch movies and we watch them late at night and, since we are all intelligent and snarky people, we have a natural tendency to pick movies with titles like Prisoners of the Lost Universe.

(Add to that, since Prisoners of the Lost Universe is in the public domain, it has been included about a dozen different Mill Creek Box sets and it’s also on YouTube.  So, it was an easy film for everyone to watch.)

What Was It About?

News reporter Carrie (Kay Lenz) is interviewing Dr. Hartmann (Kenneth Hendel) when a sudden earthquake hits California.  Dr. Hartmann stumbles into an interdemensional transporter and disappears!  Then Dan (Richard Hatch) stops by Hartmann’s house and he stumbles into the transporter and disappears as well!  And then, after that, Carrie stumbles into the transporter and she vanishes!  Why is everyone in this movie so clumsy?

Anyway, Carrie is transported to the Lost Universe, which looks a lot like South Dakota.  (Actually, the movie was made in South Africa so apparently, South Africa also looks a lot like South Dakota.)  Carrie wanders around for a little while and spends a while talking to herself about how much she hates being in the Lost Universe.  Part of Carrie’s problem was that she was wearing high heels.  If you’re going to visit South Dakota, South Africa, or the Lost Universe, be sure to wear sensible shoes.

Eventually, Carrie is reunited with Dan and they meet a lot of other citizens of the Lost Universe.  They meet a green man.  They meet a gigantic cave man.  They meet a bearded thief.  They also meet a tribe of angry people who all have glowing red eyes.  When they’re climbing up a mountain, Dan offers a helping hand.  “Take your hand off my butt!” Carrie snaps back.  They’re not exactly Hepburn and Tracy.

Finally, Carrie is kidnapped by an evil warlord who happens to be played by John Saxon.  The warlord has a dueling pistol with him that he uses to enforce his will on everyone else in the Lost Universe.  He explains that it was built for him by a sorceror from another universe.  Any guess who that is going to turn out to be?

Anyway, it’s up to Dan to rescue Carrie and hopefully end the tyranny of John Saxon.

What Worked?

Prisoners of the Lost Universe is one of those otherwise forgettable films that suddenly becomes the most entertaining thing in the world if you’re watching it with the right people.  Last night, I watched it with the right people and our natural wit and snarkiness elevated the entire film.

Beyond the snarkiness, John Saxon made for a good and fun villain.  And I liked the Green Man.  He had an above-it-all attitude that was very entertaining.

What Did Not Work?

To be honest, it’s really a very bad movie.  If I hadn’t been watching this movie with 17 other snarky and talkative people, I imagine I would have been bored out of my mind.  If Prisoners of the Lost Universe had been produced by Crown International Pictures, it probably would have been a lot more fun.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I have a feeling that if I accidentally got transported to the Lost Universe, I’d probably be wearing high heels as well.  And I’d probably complain a lot.  Who wouldn’t?

Lessons Learned

Why go to the Lost Universe when you can just go to South Dakota?