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Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 1.13 “Fool For A Client/Double Your Pleasure”
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week’s episode of Fantasy Island is …. well, let’s just say that not every fantasy can be a winner.
Episode 1.13 “Fool For A Client/Double Your Pleasure”
(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on May 13th, 1978)
This episode begins with Tattoo suffering from a toothache and Mr. Roarke giving him a hard time about it. Indeed, Mr. Roarke seems to take an almost sadistic delight in telling Tattoo that he shall have to see a dentist. The relationship of Mr. Roarke and Tattoo strikes me as being an odd one. On the one hand, Roarke allows Tattoo to handle the money and Tattoo appears to be the second-in-command. One assumes that, if Mr. Roarke ever went on vacation, Tattoo would be left in charge. At the same time, Mr. Roarke doesn’t seem to particularly like Tattoo and he seems to take a lot of pleasure from the various humiliations that Tattoo suffers on a weekly basis. From what I understand, Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize were not exactly friends offscreen so perhaps, this is just a case of reality bleeding into fiction.
Anyway, Tattoo’s toothache is perhaps the most interesting thing about this episode. Both of the fantasies are kind of lame.
In the first fantasy, Ken Berry plays Larry, a blue collar guy who has spent 12 years working on the Alaskan pipeline. His fantasy is to spend the weekend with two beautiful women. No sooner has Larry arrived on Fantasy Island, then he meets Nina (Caren Kaye). She’s beautiful and Larry’s happy. Then he meets Dina, who is Nina’s twin sister and, because of the whole twin thing, she’s beautiful and Larry is happy. EXCEPT …. it turns out that there’s only one woman and her fantasy was to pretend to be a twin for the weekend. Wait …. what? I mean, it works out. Dina and Larry fall in love and they leave together but it seems like Larry didn’t really get his fantasy and, at the very least, he deserves a partial refund.
In the second fantasy, comedian Rich Little plays Herb Costigan, a paralegal who wants to be the world’s greatest lawyer. Mr. Roarke sets him up with a house on the “other side of the island,” which Roarke explains is populated by rich people who apparently have vacation homes on Fantasy Island. Roarke has told everyone that Costigan is a world-famous attorney. However, when a murder occurs, Costigan is framed for the crime and soon, he’s defending himself in court! Eventually, it turns out that there was no murder and the supposed victim just faked his death and is now wandering around the Island with a fake beard glued to his face. It really doesn’t make any sense but this fantasy does establish that the island is, at the very least, a territory of the United States as there’s a big American flag in the courtroom.
Neither one of these stories really worked for me, largely because neither Ken Berry nor Rich Little seemed to be particularly invested in their characters. It also doesn’t help that Berry and Little shared a superficial physical resemblance, to the extent that it was often a struggle to keep straight who was having which fantasy.
In the end, Tattoo’ toothache was the highlight of this show. Fortunately, it just turned out to be his wisdom teeth coming in. Take that, Mr. Roarke!
Music Video of the Day: All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey and Justin Bieber (2011, dir by Sanaa Hamri)
He’ll always be Justice Beaver to me.
People tend to forget that there was a time when you couldn’t go on twitter without immediately getting assaulted by a thousand Bieber stans. Belieber was once a widely used and widely feared term. Thankfully, things have calmed down a bit on that front. The important thing is that it’s the holidays.
Enjoy!
Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 2.13 “The Best Game of the Season”
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
Season 2 comes to an end with …. The Best Game of the Season!
Episode 2.13 “The Best Game of the Season”
(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 30th, 1996)
The final episode of season 2 begins with Mary Beth screaming, “9-11! Girl in trouble!”
It turns out that Mary Beth was trying to clean the backboard in the gym when the ladder fell over. Now, she’s caught in the net! The team runs into the gym. They’re impressed by Mary Beth’s dedication but then they remember that she just wants to get a car that she’ll apparently receive if the team makes the playoffs. “I thought she had Tornado Fever!” Josh says and the entire team laughs about how the whole school has Tornado Fever. Julie agrees that there is no way that the Tornadoes aren’t going to make it to the playoffs. Fuller yells at everyone for getting cocky and forgetting that they still have to win one more game. Uh, guys …. SOMEONE RESCUE MARY BETH! Eventually, Vince sets up the ladder and climbs up to the backboard to save Mary Beth. But then ladder falls over again and …. ha! …. Vince is trapped as well.
Fuller tells Julie to come talk to him in the locker room after practice. It turns out that there’s a man with a fake Italian accent waiting for the two of them. Coach Fuller explains that the man coaches “the Women’s International Basketball Team in Milan.”
“Really!?” Julie exclaims, “Milan, Italy!?”
No, Julie! MILAN, INDIANA! OF COURSE, IT’S ITALY!
Anyway, Coach Mario wants Julie to come play for him in Europe. Fuller thinks that Julie needs to focus on high school and college before going pro. Fuller explains that graduating from high school and college will make Julie a more mature and better player. Somewhere, LeBron James is laughing. (And that, quite frankly, is the extent of my LeBron James knowledge.) In a rather creepy moment, Mario says that he knows all about Julie, including that Chris cheated on her before going to college. WHAT!? Julie finds nothing strange about this.
“I-a know it-a is-a big decision,” the actor playing Mario says.
Later, in the school hallway, Josh tells Julie that she should take the opportunity but that he would really miss her if she goes. Julie kisses him. “Wooooooo!’ the audience says. Amy suggests that Julie should just go to the tryouts and see what it’s like before making a final decision. Julie says that’s not a bad idea. Danny says, “Plus, you probably won’t make the team anyways.” Julie glares at him but Danny’s only saying what we’re all thinking.
At the mall, everyone listens as Mary Beth and Vince debate whether or not it’s better to get a BMW or an old mustang convertible. But then Julie shows up and tells everyone that she went to the try-outs and she played the best ball of her life. Then Fuller shows up and tells Julie that she made it. Everyone gets excited.
“I made it!” Julie says.
“There’s something else you have to make,” Fuller says, somberly. “A decision …. by this Monday.”
But what about the car!?
The next day, Fuller is frustrated because the team is more interested in talking about Julie’s decision about going to Italy than practicing. Julie announces that she’s going to Italy. The team freaks out. Fortunately, Mary Beth ends the fight by announcing that she washed the scoreboard with soapy water. Sparks fly across the gym. Everyone’s upset about the scoreboard but I’m just happy that Mary Beth didn’t get electrocuted.
At the mall, everyone gathers at The Stadium (I just remembered that’s the name of the crappy restaurant where they all hang out) to say goodbye to Julie. Everyone except for Mary Beth and Vince! Those two try to run a buffer over the gym floor but they accidentally grab a sander instead. The gym floor is destroyed. “Oops!” Vince says.
The next morning, Josh approaches Julie in school and gives her two tickets to a lecture from someone who I assume is a basketball player. I assume this not because I recognized the name but because every guest star on Hang Time was a basketball player. Unfortunately, Julie has just learned that she had to leave for training camp right away. No lecture. No going away party. And no playing in the final game. The Tornadoes are doomed!
Coach Fuller steps into the gym and freaks out when he discover Vince and Mary Beth repairing the floor. Accompanying Fuller is an 10-foot tall woman who I assume is a basketball player. While Fuller yells at Vince and Mary Beth in his office, Julie steps in to the gym and talks to the basketball player. The player and Julie dribble the ball around and Julie is so thoroughly humiliated that she realizes that she’s been way too cocky about going to Italy. The player orders Julie to stay in school and go to college.
At the big game, Julie shows up and announces that she’s not going to Italy and she’s ready to lead the team to the playoffs! Except …. The Tornadoes lose by one point! YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE TO ITALY, JULIE! Julie assures everyone that they just played “the best game of the season.” No, you lost, Julie! Maybe if you had gone to practice instead of spending your time packing for Italy, the team would have gone to the championship! Still, no one is upset at Julie because no one on this show is ever allowed to call out Julie being more than a bit self-absorbed.
And so season 2 ends. Next week, season 3 begins! Will Julie and Josh be able to lead the Tornadoes to another championship? Julie might but Josh won’t because his character didn’t return for season 3. Who will replace him? Tune in next week to find out!
Scenes I Love: The Cross-Examination From Anatomy of a Murder
Since today is Otto Preminger’s birthday, I figured that this would be a good time to share a scene that I love from one of my favorite movies, Preminger’s 1959 film, Anatomy of a Murder.
In this scene, prosecutor Claude Dancer (played, in one of his first screen roles, by George C. Scott) cross-examined Laura Manion (Lee Remick), the wife of a man who has been accused of murder. Playing the role of the defense attorney is James Stewart. This scene is a master-class in great acting. Preminger could be a bit of an inconsistent director but his willingness to take on controversial subjects set him apart from many of his contemporaries. When he had the right material, as he did here, he could create the perfect mix of melodrama and art. Preminger’s best films, like Anatomy of a Murder, stand the test of time.
Holiday Spirit: The Greatest Store In The World (dir by Jane Prowse)
Here to help you get in the holiday spirit, we’ve got a British film from 1999!
The Greatest Store In The World tells the story of a single mother and her two daughters. When the film begins, they’re living in a van but, after the van catches on fire, they upgrade things by moving into a luxurious London department store. Along with coming together as a family and celebrating the holidays, they also thwart an attempt to rob the store. It’s a good-natured little movie, one that reminds the viewer of how fun the world could be before the rise of COVID-fueled authoritarianism. It was filmed in Harrods, though the name itself is not actually uttered in the film. Fans of Doctor Who will want to keep an eye out for Peter Capaldi while fans of larger-than-life actors will be happy to see the great Brian Blessed.
(I should admit that, when I was little and my family was constantly moving from one state to another and I was always having to say goodbye to whatever new friends I had made, I used to fantasize about living in a big mall. Perhaps that’s one reason why this sweet-natured film brought a tear to my mismatched eyes.)
Enjoy!
Music Video of the Day: Last Christmas by Backstreet Boys (2022, dir by Bill Fishman)
Every year, in December, I am stunned to be reminded that Taylor Swift was not the first to sing this song. Instead, Last Christmas started as a Wham song and apparently, every group has to cover it in December. This year, the Backstreet Boys took a swing at it. So, let’s get in the holiday spirit, shall we?
Enjoy!
Retro Television Reviews: Return of the Rebels (dir by Noel Nosseck)
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1981’s Return of the Rebels! It can be viewed on YouTube!
Mary Beth Allen (Barbara Eden) used to be the wife of the leader of Rebels, Arizona’s toughest motorcycle gang. She’s now a widow and she operates a Colorado River campground. Her teenager daughter, Amy (Deanna Robbins), has got a crush on a local boy named K.C. Barnes (Patrick Swayze) and that’s a problem because K.C. is kind of a jerk.
Every weekend, K.C. and his gang descend on the campground and proceed to have a good time, redneck-style. They set up a few kegs of beer. They water ski. They play loud music. They get into fights. They drive their vans all over the property. They are so disruptive that Mary Beth is losing customers. For reasons that are not quite clear, the police refuse to help her. For some reason, K.C. seems to be determined to drive Mary Beth out of business. And when I say “for some reason,” what I mean is that there’s absolutely no reason for K.C. to be as obnoxious as he is. It’s not like he owns a rival campground or anything. He’s not going to gain a thing by running Mary Beth out of business. K.C.’s only motivation seems to be that he’s a jerk. Unfortunately, he’s played by a young Patrick Swayze, who was a bit too likable to be believable as someone who would be a jerk just for the Hell of it. Swayze smirks and sneers and laughs whenever Mary Beth yells at him but, up until the last few moments of the film, he still comes across more as being an overgrown teenager who is too dumb to realize how annoying he’s being than a true villain. When K.C. does suddenly reveal himself to be a true villain, it’s a bit jarring. It’s like seeing the neighborhood bully suddenly pick up a gun and rob a bank. Swayze’s character was definitely bad but he didn’t seem that bad,
Regardless of K.C.’s level of villainy, his antics are threatening to put Mary Beth out of business. She goes into the city and pays a visit on Sonny (Don Murray). Sonny used to be a member of the Rebels. Now, he’s a fairly successful auto mechanic. He’s also always been in love with Mary Beth. When he finds out that Mary Beth needs help, he decides that it’s time to get the old Rebels back together so that they can put some young punks in their place.
The problem, of course, is that some of the old Rebels are really, really old. Al Williams (Robert Mandan) was once the most fearsome dude on a motorcycle but now he sells used cars and collapses after he’s challenged to run down to the end of the street. Mickey Fine (Jamie Farr) is now more concerned with taking care of his family than riding motorcycles. Jay Arnold Wayne (Christopher Connelly) is a wealthy businessman who …. well, he doesn’t get much of a personality beyond that. “Wild” Bill Karp (Michael Baseleon) is still wild but he’s also middle-aged and out-of-shape.
Can Sonny get the gang back together before K.C. takes over the campground? And even if he can, will he able to gather enough former Rebels to take on K.C.’s surprisingly large gang? Seriously, when K.C. and his gang show up at the campground, K.C. appears to be leading a convoy. It’s almost as if the entire population of Arizona is following K.C. around for the weekend.
As you may have already guessed, Return of the Rebels struggles to find a consistent tone. On the one hand, the battle between the old bikers and the young rednecks is a dangerous one and the film tries to generate some suspense over whether everyone will survive. On the other hand, the film’s cast is full of sitcom veterans who often deliver their lines as if they’re waiting for a laugh track to punctuate their point. On the one hand, Patrick Swayze’s gang is supposed to be dangerous. On the other hand, they’re Patrick Swayze’s gang. For a bunch of delinquents, it seems like all they really want to do is spend the weekend water skiing and drinking beer. Obviously, beer and motorboats don’t always go well together but Swayze and his friends still never come across as being quite as dangerous as they’re supposed to be.
Return of the Rebels is a film about getting old. The members of the Rebels have all found success but all of them are nostalgic for their days of being “outlaw” bikers and they get one final chance to show everyone what they can do. It’s not a bad theme but again, the film can never quite make up its mind how seriously it wants us to take either the Rebels or Swayze’s gang. It’s a bit of a mess. That said, the scenery was gorgeous and I’m enough of a country girl that I definitely got a little thrill out of watching scenes of various pickup trucks and vans driving through the river. I have a weakness for rebels and reformed bikers. It’s an amiable film, even if it doesn’t make much sense in the end.
Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 11/27/22 — 12/3/22
Here’s a thought or two on what I watched this week:
Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)
With Janine struggling with food poisoning, Ava was forced to leave her office and teach Janine’s class. I loved this episode. Ava is a wonderful comedic character but Janelle James never allows her to turn into a caricature.
The Amazing Race (Wednesday Night, CBS)
We have our final three and I couldn’t be happier with the three teams that made it! I’ll be rooting for Derek and Claire but, honestly, I could be happy with any of the teams winning. I wrote about this week’s episode at Reality TV Chat Blog!
Bachelor In Paradise (Hulu)
I got caught up with the latest season’s finale on Sunday. This season didn’t do much for me.
California Dreams (YouTube)
I watched two episodes of California Dreams and then I reviewed them! They’re here on the site, somewhere….
City Guys (Tubi)
I watched and reviewed two episodes of City Guys. I did it all for you!
Crime Scene: The Texas Killing Fields (Netflix)
I watched this 3-part Netflix docuseries on Monday. It deals with a stretch of land near Houston where it appears several different serial killers have been dumping the bodies of their victims. As a Texan, this was a story that I’ve read quite a bit about and it always disturbs me, both because of the unbelievable tragedy involved and also the suggestion that there are multiple serial killers out there, all using the same stretch of highway. The docuseries took a look at some of the victims but there’s been so many of them that it would probably take several seasons of Texas Killing Fields to tell all of their stories. I was particularly touched by the story of Kelli Cox, who — as I would later be — was a student at UNT when she initially disappeared.
The docuseries also featured the efforts of Tim Miller, the father of one of the victims, to get justice for his daughter. Miller is convinced that she was murdered by his former next-door neighbor and while you always do want to exercise caution when it comes to making accusations, he does make a pretty good case.
Hell’s Kitchen (Thursday Night, FOX)
Eh. There wasn’t a dinner service during this week’s episode. That disappointed me. The chance to witness people trying to send out raw food at the dinner services is pretty much the main reason why I watch this show.
It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (Hulu)
On Tuesday, I watched the episode with the Paddy Bucks. It occurred to me, as I watched it, that It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia managed to predict crypto fraud.
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (Tuesday Night, CBS)
Yay! Rudolph put those snotty reindeer in their place. This is such an old special but it’s a classic and I love it. Some television exec is probably going to try to do a new, updated version at some point in the future. That’s just the way of the world now. But the original is the one that has all the heart.
Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)
Sami played a pretty good game but it came to an end this week. It still freaks me out that his job is cremating dead pets. I wrote about this week’s episode at the Reality TV Chat Blog.
Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 2.14 “21 Jake Street” and 2.15 “Can’t Buy Me Love”
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
I do have to say that, having now watched several episodes of City Guys and One World, I actually appreciate California Dreams a bit more. It was one of the better shows to be produced by Peter Engel, one of the crown jewels of the Engelverse.
Episode 2.14 “21 Jake Street”
(Originally aired on December 25th, 1993, directed by Don Barnart)
Wow, this episode premiered on Christmas Day? Really? How many families put off unwrapping presents so they could watch the latest adventures of the California Dreams?
There’s a new girl at PCH and all the male members of the Dreams want to date her. However, the only guy that she’s interested in going out with is Jake. Soon, Jake is dating her and …. WAIT A MINUTE! Isn’t Jake dating Tiffani!? Have we not gone through several episodes that have featured Jake dating Tiffani? Yet now, Jake is dating a new girl and Tiffani isn’t even upset about it. Once again, it appears that this episode was shown out of its intended order. NBC was notorious for doing this with their morning sitcoms and, as a result, the continuity of California Dreams, City Guys. Hang Time, One World, and Saved By The Bell was always a mess. At the time, it’s possible that no one noticed or cared. Back in 1993, it wasn’t like people could hop on Twitter and demand to know whether Jake and Tiffani were still a couple. And honestly, there are worse things in the world than sloppy continuity. It’s just that, when you binge one of these shows, screwed-up continuity jumps out at you in a way that it might not otherwise.
Anyway, the new girl is really interested in Sly’s plan to get fake IDs so that the Dreams can play in a 21-and-over club. It turns out that she’s an undercover cop and she’s working to break a Fake ID ring! If you only watched shows that took place in the Engelverse, you would be justified in thinking that fake IDs were the biggest problem in high schools in the 1990s. Saved By The Bell, Hang Time, City Guys, California Dreams, they all did at least one episode about fake IDs.
The fake ID dealer is arrested. Sly nearly gets arrested as well but he’s allowed to go free after he promises to never buy a fake ID again. That’s not really how the legal system works but whatever. Jake tells the undercover cop to look him up after he graduates from high school. He says it right in front of Tiffani. WHAT A JERK!
Meanwhile, Matt and Tony compete in an art competition. Matt paints an abstract portrait of Sam. Sam tells Matt that he has no talent. Tony sculpts a bust of Tiffani and wins first prize after a large chunk of it is broken off. Yay! The art stuff was dumb but kind of cute. The cast had just enough chemistry to pull it off.
Episode 2.15 “Can’t Buy Me Love”
(Originally aired on January 8th, 1994, directed by Don Barnhart)
The high school needs a new scoreboard for the gym so Tiffani decides that the perfect way to raise money would be told hold a slave auction!
Okay, technically, it’s a “servant” auction but the idea is that, once someone buys you, you do whatever they say for an entire week. And you don’t get paid and you don’t really get any say in what you’re ordered to do and …. well, it’s a slave auction, okay? Oddly enough, buying people was a frequent theme in the Engelverse. Saved By The Bell, Hang Time, and City Guys all had episodes that featured date auctions.
Anyway, if that premise wasn’t awkward enough, the show’s only regular black character, Tony, agrees to be sold. He’s hoping that he’ll be purchased by his crush. Instead, dumbass Matt scratches his head during the auction and he ends up accidentally buying Tony! Agck! At first, Matt refuses to give Tony any orders but, eventually, he does ask Tony to do a few things. Matt feels so guilty about it that he ends up becoming Tony’s servant.
Meanwhile, Sly buys the most popular girl in the school because he’s convinced that he can brainwash her into loving him. (Good Lord, what is with this episode?) However, the girl turns out to hate Sly so much that all of his efforts go nowhere and she ends up telling everyone in the school what a sleazy dork he is. For some reason, we are now supposed to feel bad for Sly, despite the fact that he is kind of a sleazy dork.
Jake gets purchased by a group of cheerleaders who drive him crazy by being overly peppy. Tiffani is purchased by Sam, who really enjoys bossing her around. To be honest, Sam buying Tiffani (at a discount because Tiffani is the last person left to be auctioned off) is a lot funnier than you might expect. That’s largely because Jennie Kwan had the best comic timing of any of the second season cast members. As played by Kwan, Sam is an agent of chaos and her cheerfully destructive performance contrasts nicely with Kelly Packard’s much more earnest performance as Tiffani.
This is an episode that probably shouldn’t work but it does. The entire premise is incredibly problematic but the cast had a strong enough chemistry that they could even gets laughs out of the dumbest of situations. I already mentioned the comedic team of Jennie Kwan and Kelly Packard but Michael Cade and Jay Anthony Franke also make for a good team in this episode. Sly and Jake were probably the most cliched characters on the show but Franke and Cade both brought a lot of energy to their performances and they played well off of each other. As with so many of the second season episodes, you find yourself laughing almost despite yourself.
Next week, hopefully no one will be sold or brainwashed. It’s supposed to be about the music, people!
