Today’s horror on the lens is the 1957 Roger Corman-directed, sci-fi “epic,” Not of this Earth.
Paul Johnson (Paul Birch) may seems like a strange character, with his stilted way of speaking and his sunglasses and his overdramatic reaction to any and all loud noises. Paul could us be an eccentric. Or, he could be …. NOT OF THIS EARTH! Actually, his habit of draining people of their blood and sending weird, umbrella-like creatures out to attack his enemies would seem to suggest that the latter is probably true.
Listen, it’s not easy being a blood-sucking alien. I mean, sure, there’s always seems to be people stupid enough to show up at your mansion so that you can drain their bodies. Paul is lucky that he doesn’t exactly seem to be surrounded by brain surgeons. But sometimes, things happen. For instance, someone might show up from your home planet and demand an immediate transfusion! What is an alien to do?
Watch this low-budget but undeniably entertaining film to find out! And be sure to especially keep an eye out for the great Dick Miller, who reportedly improvised his role as a vacuum cleaner salesman. (Before going into acting, Miller actually did sell vacuum cleaners door-to-door.)
2021’s Love On The Rock definitely has something going for it. It was filmed on the island of Malta.
Malta is a beautiful island nation, sitting between Sicily and North Africa. I spent the summer after I graduated high school in Europe and Malta was one of the many beautiful places that I visited. Along with its gorgeous architecture and the beaches, Malta is also known for being the island where St. Paul and St. Luke were shipwrecked for three months. Paul, it’s said, healed every sick person on the island.
Love On The Rock may be a comedic action film with a religious subtext but, far more importantly, it’s a bit of a travelogue as well. David A.R. White plays Colton Riggs, a former Chicago cop who moved to Malta after the death of his wife. He has his own boat and he makes his living giving tours. (He even has a pre-recorded narration that he plays while navigating the boat.) This allows for several scenes that give us a chance to take in the stunning beauty of the island. Colton also has a friend named Rev. Yearwood (Jeff Fahey), who oversees a church that overlooks the ocean. Again, the view is lovely.
As for the plot, it has to do with the search for a serum that can, in theory, cure any and all diseases. International criminal Claudio Fairbanks (Steven Bauer, who appears to have been dubbed by someone else) wants control of the serum so he sends his associates to raid the Maltese laboratory where it’s being developed. One technician gets away, carrying a vial of the serum with him. Wounded during his escape, the dying man secretly hides the vial on Colton’s boat.
Claudio sends his people, led by Halston Hallstrom (Matthew Marsden), to find the serum. Meanwhile, the head of the CIA (Jon Lovitz …. wait, Jon Lovitz?) sends Josie (Lauriane Gillieron) to Malta to seduce Colton and discover if he knows where the serum is. Of course, Josie actually does fall in love with Colton and eventually, Colton does find the serum and it all ends with a surprisingly laid back confrontation between the bad guy and the good guys.
The film is also a comedy and it’s got a religious message as well. (Josie is offended when Colton acts surprised that a spy would also be religious.) Surprisingly enough, it’s actually pretty adroit when it comes to juggling all of its different genres. David A.R. White and Laurianne Gillieron make for a cute couple and both of them turn out to have good comedic timing. For that matter, I also liked the performance of Nathalie Rapti Gomez, who played a trigger-happy mercenary named Plaza and who gave an entertainingly unhinged performance. In the end, even that stuff that shouldn’t have worked — like casting Jon Lovitz as a spymaster — actually did work. Maybe Lovitz should be the next James Bond.
Love On The Rock is an entertaining and unpretentious action spoof. If nothing else, it’s worth seeing for the beauty of Malta.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.
This week, the Bulls face a dilemma. What to do with O.J. Simpson?
Episode 2.2 “The Veterans”
(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on September 1st, 1986)
This week, veteran running back T.D. Parker (O.J. Simpson) shows up for training camp. All of the players are excited to see him. At the bar where all of the Bulls hang out, Dr. Death (Donald Gibb) announces that T.D. Parker has had over one hundred injuries over the past twelve years but he’s still the heart and the soul of the Bulls franchise. He’s the face of the team! When people think of the Los Angeles Bulls, they think of T.D. Parker slashing through the other team on his way to an acquittal touchdown.
Speaking as a viewer, it seems kind of strange that this is the first that I’m really hearing about the legendary T.D. Parker. Where was he last season? The Bulls went all the way to the Championship Game but I never once heard anyone mention T.D. Parker. I certainly didn’t see him in the locker room. The Bulls actually had a totally different running back named Carl Witherspoon. Oddly, Carl seems to have vanished this season….
As for T.D., his injuries are catching up with him. Denardo and Diana are forced to confront that fact that T.D. can no longer cut it. Even in practice, he’s spilling a lot of blood on the field. Denardo cuts T.D. from the team. When T.D. says that football is all that he knows, Denardo announces that T.D. may not be playing but he’ll still be on the field …. AS A COACH! T.D. looks confused. He’ll figure it out eventually, I guess.
Meanwhile, Jeff East briefly returns as quarterback Bryce Smith but just long enough to fall out of a window at training camp and bust his knee. (He was trying to keep the new kicker — a Bosnian played by future voice of the Crypt Keeper John Kassir — from sneaking out to go into town to get drunk.) Bryce is done for the season. Veteran quarterback and all-around druggie sleaze Johnny Valentine (Sam J. Jones) becomes the new starter and Tom Yinessa is brought back to be his backup. That’ll make Yinessa’s roommate (Jeff Kaake) and Yinessa’s potential girlfriend (Katherine Kelly Lang) happy.
Finally, the NFL owners don’t want to give their players a pension or a raise. They do, however, want to give them mandatory drug tests. Diana protests but she’s overruled by the other owners, all of whom are male and in their 60s. There’s a lot of toupees and cigars at the ownership meeting.
This episode was actually kind of entertaining. That’s doesn’t mean it was good. 1st & Ten isn’t a really a show that’s ever good. But this episode did feature Sam J. Jones giving a totally over the top performance as creepy quarterback Johnny Valentine. Speaking of going over the top, the same can be said of Delta Burke’s performance this season. It would appear that between seasons one and two, Burke realized there was no need to try to be in any way subtle in her line readings. That was probably the right decision.
Next week …. who knows? I’m getting a little bored with training camp so hopefully, we’ll move on!
For tonight’s Halloween on television, we have the story of four aliens who came to Earth on Halloween and search for candy for their planet. After an initial misunderstanding, two kids help the aliens in their search. It’s sweet!
This was directed by Savage Steve Holland of Better Off Dead fame and it originally aired on October 28th, 1991.
In 1977’s The Fifth Floor, Dianne Hull plays Kelly McIntyre.
Kelly is a college student by day and a disco dancer by night! Unfortunately, after someone spikes her drink at the discotheque and she suffers an overdose, she becomes a full-time patient at a mental asylum. Neither the head doctor (Mel Ferrer) nor the head nurse (Julia Adams, who once swam with The Creature From The Black Lagoon) believes her claim that her drink was spiked. Judged to be suicidal and delusional, Kelly is sent to the Fifth Floor!
While her boyfriend (John David Carson) tries to convince the authorities that she’s not insane, Kelly adjusts to life on the Fifth Floor. She befriend Cathy (Patti D’Arbanville). She encourages her fellow patients to dance and enjoy themselves. She tries to escape on multiple occasions. She draws the unwanted attention of a male orderly named Carl (Bo Hopkins, giving a wonderfully sinister performance). A sadist equipped with down-home country charm, Carl has got all of his co-workers convinced that he’s a great guy. The patients, though, know that Carl is a petty authoritarian who enjoys showing off his power. (“I’m just doing my job,” is the excuse whenever he’s challenged.) Carl takes an obsessive interest in Kelly and soon, Kelly is not only trying to get her life back but also trying to escape from Carl’s cruel intentions.
Most film directories list The Fifth Floor as being a horror film and certainly, there are elements of the horror genre to be found in the film. The smooth-talking and nonchalantly cruel Carl is certainly a horrific character and Kelly’s attempts to escape from the asylum capture the very primal fear of not having any control over one’s life. That said, The Fifth Floor owes greater debt to One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest than to the typical slasher film. Kelly is a rebel who brings the patients in the ward together. Much as in Cuckoo’s Nest, the nurses and the orderlies use the threat of electro-shock treatment to keep the patients under control.
It’s not a bad film, though it definitely has its slow spots and I do wish the film had embraced its own sordidness with a bit more style. I’m a history nerd so I appreciated the fact that The Fifth Floor was so obviously a product of its time. Any film that features the heroine showing off her disco moves before being taken to a mental hospital is going to hold my interest. That said, the most interesting thing about the film are some of the familiar faces in the cast. For instance, Earl Boen — who played so many authority figures over the course of his career and appeared as a psychiatrist in the early Terminator films — plays a patient who wears a NASA jacket. The always intimidating Anthony James plays the most violent patient. Michael Berryman and Tracey Walter appear as background patients.
And then you’ve got Robert Englund, cast here as Benny. Benny is the most gentle of the patients, a prankster who befriends Kelly. It’s always so interesting to see the type of roles that Englund played before he was cast as Freddy Krueger in A Nightmare On Elm Street. In this film, Englund is so goofy and friendly that you actually find yourself worrying about something happening to him. Englund’s role is small but his amiable nerdiness definitely makes an impression.
The Fifth Floor opens and ends with a title card telling us that the film is based on a true story. Sure, it was.
For today’s On Stage On The Lens, we have an excellent 2014 production of a Halloween classic, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. This production features not only the New York Philharmonic Orchestra but also Bryn Terfel and Emma Thompson in the lead roles.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This week, Vicki is accused of corrupting a passenger!
Episode 6.23 “Vicki’s Dilemma/Discount Romance/Loser & Still Champ”
(Dir by Jack Arnold, originally aired on March 5th, 1983)
Poor Vicki! Finally, someone her own age — Mark Hammond (Glenn Scarpelli) — boards the boat and he turns out to be a speed freak! In fact, he steals some amphetamines from Doc’s cabin. (For some reason, Doc didn’t lock the medicine cabinet. Y’know, people get fired for stuff like that….) When the speeding Mark collapses on deck, Vicki is the first to help him. And how does Mark thank her? By slipping the stolen pills into Vicki’s pocket!
Mark’s mom (Elinor Donahue) accuses Vicki of getting her son hooked on speed. Luckily, Mark has an attack of conscience and admits the truth. (“I was going to let you take the fall but….” Mark says.) Vicki and the Captain are surprisingly forgiving of Mark and his mom. If I was in Vicki’s shoes, I can’t say I’d be quite so gracious about it. Then again, I’ve been taking speed for ADD for most of my life so I would at least have an excuse for having the medicine.
Meanwhile, Gopher’s uncle (Red Buttons) boards the boat and starts selling watches out of his cabin. He’s such a good salesman that he almost puts the boat’s gift shop out of business! The owner of the gift shop is played by June Allyson and she’s not amused. She and Red Button still end up falling in love though.
Finally, passenger Tom Joseph (Patrick Wayne) feels threatened because he’s got a crush on another passenger (Ann Turkel) who is a tennis star and much more athletic to him. Every LoveBoat has at least one boring story and this week, it was Tom’s story.
This was an okay episode. Red Buttons and June Allyson were a cute old couple. I appreciated the Vicki storyline, if just because it was one of the few times that I’ve seen this show acknowledge that Vicki really doesn’t get to spend much time with people her own age. Captain Stubing confessed to worrying about whether or not life at sea was fair to Vicki and Gavin MacLeod delivered the lines with such sincerity that, for a few brief moments, The Love Boat became a serious drama.
When he died in 1988, Phillip Hutchinson was only 24 years old.
Born in Virginia, Phillip Hutchinson served in the U.S. Marines before he was discharged for desertion. He went on to become a career criminal and a violent one at that. By the time he was 24, he already had a long criminal record. In Texas, he was convicted of aggravated assault and ended up with a life sentence. He escaped from prison by stealing a truck. (It was his third escape attempt.) Fleeing Texas, he eventually ended up in Denver. He is alleged to have robbed four banks in Denver before holding up the Rio Grande Operating Credit Union. The 18 year-old teller was able to set off a silent alarm and Hutchinson ended up leading police on a chase through Denver. Following Hutchinson in the air was a news helicopter. At one point, Hutchinson crashed into an unmarked police car, killing Detective Bob Wallis.
After crashing his own car, Hutchinson continued to run on foot. Eventually, he reached a trailer park. He took John Laurienti as a hostage and forced the 73 year-old man to drive him past the police in his pick-up truck. When the men in the news helicopter realized that the police didn’t realize that Hutchinson was in the truck, they dived down and blocked the truck from moving forward. The cops, realizing their mistake, surrounded the truck and opened fire, killing Hutchinson while the cameraman in the helicopter continued to film. John Laurienti escaped from the truck, uninjured.
Phillip Hutchinson really had no one but himself to be blame. If he hadn’t robbed the credit union, he would have had the cops chasing him to begin with. If he hadn’t rammed into the unmarked car and killed Bob Wallis, it’s possible that the police would have been more willing to negotiate before opening fire on him. You can wonder what led to someone, by the age of 24, becoming a hardened criminal and that is something that should always be investigated. In the end, actions do have consequences.
Phillip Hutchinson is one of those criminals who would probably be forgotten today if not for the fact that his death was not only captured on camera but also broadcast across the television airwaves. Hutchinson has gone on to have a significant afterlife in various “documentaries.” Remember World’s Wildest Police Videos? (I’ve also read that the shoot-out is a popular video on various “forbidden” and “dark” websites but I’m not going to look to find out.)
1991’s The Chase was a made-for-television movie about Phillip Hutchinson and his final ride. Casey Siemaszko plays Phillip Hutchinson as being a psycho redneck, which is probably not the far from the truth. Siemaszko gives a good performance as Hutchinson but the majority of the film deals with the people who came into contact with Hutchinson on the final day of his life. Ricki Lake plays the teller who set off the silent alarm. Ben Johnson gives a moving performance as the old man who Hutchinson took hostage. Barry Corbin plays Bob Wallis. Megan Follows plays a drug addict who narrowly escapes Hutchinson. Robert Beltran plays the man in the helicopter. They all give good performances. At the same time, for a film called The Chase, the Chase itself doesn’t actually start until we’re 70 minutes into the movie and it’s over pretty quickly. If you’re watching this film for the action, you’ll probably be disappointed.
This film was written by Guerdon Trueblood, who also directed one of my favorite grindhouse films, The Candy Snatchers. Trueblood’s script follows the standard disaster formula, in that there are a lot of subplots and filler leading up to the big event. In other words, The Chase isn’t a film for everyone. I’ll admit, though, that I teared up a little at the end. Phillip Hutchinson may have been a violent criminal but his death brought a community together.
WatchingSuburban Sasquatch last night and then reviewing it today reminded me of how much more I enjoyed Birdemic. Suburban Sasquatch would have been improved by a dance scene.
I wonder how the birds could possibly want to destroy a civilization that is capable of something like Hanging Out With My Family.
In 2004’s Suburban Sasquatch, Bigfoot is stalking the suburbs.
Bigfoot appears out of thin air.
Bigfoot vanishes whenever he’s feeling stressed or local Native American badass Talla (Sue Lynn Sanchez) starts shooting arrows at him.
Bigfoot pulls off arms and legs and tosses them in the air.
Bigfoot likes to drag his victims off to a cave where he apparently just leaves them laying around.
Bigfoot has to eat.
Bigfoot has really big tits.
Yes, you read that last one correctly. Groucho Marx once said that he wouldn’t be seeing a movie starring Victor Mature and Hedy Lamarr because, “‘I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s,” and let’s just say that Victor Mature had nothing on the Suburban Sasquatch. The sasquatch costume itself is covered in coarse, dark fur except for its belly and chest, both of which are left pretty much bare. It makes me wonder where exactly the production purchased the sasquatch costume. The film was apparently shot in Pennsylvania and Pennsylvania seems like it’s a bit too blue collar to be home to an S&M-themed furry community but who knows?
(Maybe the costume was ordered from Austin.)
As for the film, it’s basically just the Suburban Sasquatch killing people. It was obviously made for next to no money and the dialogue is just bad enough to leave you wondering whether or not the director was specifically trying to satirize no-budget, direct-to-video horror films or if he was just trying to do what he could with what he had available. Personally, I couldn’t hep but smile at the fact that no one seemed to be that panicked about a Sasquatch being on the loose. Throughout the film, people continue to wander around outside as their friends and neighbors aren’t getting ripped apart by Bigfoot.
(“Actually, Lisa, it’s not Bigfoot. It’s a Suburban Sasquatch.” I don’t care. Everyone keeps looking at his footprints and gasping. He’s Bigfoot.)
A few other things I liked about Suburban Sasquatch:
The special effects, especially the scenes of blood-spraying, appear to have been done with MS Paint.
There were only two cops in the entire town and they were both useless.
Reporter Rick Harlan (Bill Ushler) kept showing up at the crime scenes and talking about how the people had the right to know about the killings but he didn’t really put much effort into getting the word out there.
Suburban Sasquatch likes to rip off people’s limbs and smash their heads, all in full MS Paint glory. But, somehow, whenever the bodies are found, the limbs have reattached and the heads are no longer smashed.
The character of Talla, assigned by her Native American ancestors to kill the sasquatch, was incredibly badass, even if she was something of a stereotype. Seriously, if I was told that I had to be someone from Suburban Sasquatch, I would want to be Talla because she shows up, shoots her arrows, tells Rick to get lost, and then she goes somewhere else and shoot even more arrows. She’s the one character in the film who is actually actively trying to do something.
Finally, I should not that there’s an online rumor that the late Neil Hope, who played Wheels on Degrassi High, appeared in Suburban Sasquatch but I definitely didn’t see him and, considering that Hope apparently spent his entire post-Degrassi life in Canada, I have a hard time believing that he hopped down to Pennsylvania to appear in a nothing-budget film. One of the first victims does have a Wheels-style mullet but I’m pretty sure that wasn’t Neil Hope as Hope himself was sporting a bald look at the time this film was made. (That said, on Degrassi: The Next Generation, Jimmy, Spinner, Craig, and Marco did play in a band called Downtown Sasquatch and Jimmy and Spinner briefly owned a clothing store called Squatch Wear.)
Suburban Sasquatch came out in 2004 and probably would have been forgotten if not for Joel McHale featuring a clip from it on The Soup. Much like Bigfoot himself, the film lives on.
Through the Shattered Lens 