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Retro Television Review: Welcome Back, Kotter 4.10 “Washington’s Clone”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime.

This week, Washington gets an admirer.

Episode 4.10 “Washington’s Clone”

(Dir by Norman Abbott, originally aired on November 11th, 1978)

Arthur (Ron Dennis) is a nerdy student who worships Freddie and desperately wants to be a Sweathog.  When Freddie tells Arthur that he’s too smart and clean-cut to be a Sweathog, Arthur reacts by dressing like Washington and trying to act just like Washington.  At first, the Sweathogs are amused and Washington is slightly flattered.  But then Washington discovers that Arthur is stealing watches and selling them in the school courtyard.  Washington tells Arthur that Sweathogs don’t commit crimes, which is certainly a change from the first season of the show.

After Julie tells Washington that Arthur’s grades are slipping and he’s throwing away his future, Washington goes to Barbarino for advice.  The audience goes crazy for Babarino’s cameo but I have to admit that I cringed the whole time.  I don’t like the idea of Barbarino working in the hospital.  Every time Barbarino makes an appearance, he’s making life difficult for a patient.  In this case, he spends so much time thinking about Washington’s problem that he doesn’t realize he’s spilling food all over a hungry man in a hospital bed.  It was nerve-wracking to watch and not particularly funny.

(Again, in all fairness, it’s hard for me to see any scene set in a hospital room without thinking about my Dad.  So, your mileage may vary as far as Barbarino’s cameo is concerned.  For me, it still hits too close to home.)

Eventually, Washington and the other Sweathogs dress up like members of a street gang (which, again, is what the Sweathogs were supposed to be during the first two seasons of the show) and they tell Arthur that he’s going to have to help them attack Mr. Woodman in order to become a Sweathog.  (Uhmm …. this seems like a bad idea.)  Arthur says he has no problem with that but, in the end, he defends Woodman when the Sweathogs pretend to attack him.  Arthur goes back to being himself and somehow the Sweathogs are not expelled.  Julie tells them that she “can’t believe I’m saying this,” but she’s mildly impressed with how they handled Arthur.  Julie is even bitchier without Gabe around than when he was forcing her to listen to his jokes.

Indeed, Gabe does not appear in this episode and there’s no reference made to where he might be.  You would think that, being vice-principal, he would be the one who would be talking to Arthur about his grades.  Gabe Kaplan, of course, was not on the show because he was upset that the network and their refusal to allow the Sweathogs to graduate high school.  In-universe, one can only guess that Gabe Kotter just doesn’t like to come out of his office.

For a fourth season episode, Washington’s Clone wasn’t bad.  Ron Dennis’s performance as Arthur made me smile.  The fact that he was dramatically shorter than Washington made his attempts to imitate Washington a lot more humorous than they would have been otherwise.  Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs gave a good performance as Washington, even if his sudden concern about following the law went against everything that the show had previously established about the character.  This episode was amusing (with the exception of Barbarino’s cameo) and Horshack didn’t say much.  You can’t complain about that.

JACK FROST – should Frosty the Snowman be worried?

Posted on by Bradley Crain

My wife and I have been watching a Christmas movie every night for the last week or so. We’ve already watched DIE HARD 1 and 2, LETHAL WEAPON, HOME ALONE 1 and 2, CHRISTMAS VACATION, YES VIRGINIA THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS, FOUR CHRISTMASES and a Hallmark movie called THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR with Fonzi. She’s been wanting me to watch JACK FROST with her for a while now. I’ve been somewhat hesitant because a movie about a talking snowman not named Frosty doesn’t seem that appealing to me. I was explaining this reluctance to a couple of my co-workers at the accounting office, and they both assured me that it’s a good movie. With this newfound confidence that I would enjoy the film, my wife and I settled in to watch JACK FROST a couple of nights ago…

JACK FROST is about a guy named Jack Frost who is having a difficult time with his work life / home life balance. He loves his wife Gabby (Kelly Preston) and his son Charlie (Joseph Cross) very much, but his musical group, The Jack Frost Band, is taking up a lot of his time. He’s one of those dads who says he’ll “for sure” be at his son’s hockey game but then misses it because the band’s recording session runs late. It’s always something like that with Jack Frost. Tragically, before Jack can get this stuff figured out, he dies in a car accident on Christmas Eve. Jump forward a year later where a depressed Charlie decides to build a snowman like he and his dad always did together for Christmas. Just go with me here… through the magic notes of Jack’s old harmonica as played by his son Charlie, Jack’s spirit is transferred to the snowman, and the two have another chance to bond like they always wanted to. Will Jack be the father he should have been now that he’s a magical snowman dad? How long will he be around this time? Will an abnormally warm Colorado winter melt him? Will he get to watch Charlie play one more hockey game? These are just a few questions to be answered over the course of the film’s 100-minute running time.

I have always been drawn to movies that focus on the relationships between fathers and their sons. For example, FIELD OF DREAMS and FREQUENCY are two of my very favorite films. The reason I love both films is that dads and their boys are able to reconnect and experience each other in a way that resolves pain or regret from the past. The movies may not be realistic in how that happens, but I think each of the films tap into a universal truth about the connections between kids and their parents. If you want to see me cry, just watch either of those movies with me. JACK FROST seems to have this noble intention of magically re-connecting a father and his son for a second chance, and I give it credit for that. Only the most cold-hearted cynic would blow off the scene where Jack’s wife and son get to see him in his human form just one last time. It was touching. I also enjoy some of the songs on the soundtrack. I was able to take my wife to see Stevie Nicks in concert here in Little Rock earlier this year. I enjoyed when her “Landslide” played as Charlie made a snowman for the first time after his dad passed away. I thought that was a strong scene. With that said though, for me, JACK FROST doesn’t come together in a way that packs much of an emotional punch even though it’s clearly going for the heart. Part of that could be the fact that Michael Keaton turns into a snowman, and statements like “snow-dad is better than no-dad” are made. When I think of the other films, sure there are supernatural elements at play, but they’re still set in the real world, even if that place is in Iowa! In the case of JACK FROST, neither the comedy nor the drama worked well enough for me to get emotionally invested. The filmmakers overestimated the comedic nature of a snowman in general, and they seemed to dwell on that one note way too long, and to the film’s detriment. I did think a scene where Charlie’s hockey coach, played by Henry Rollins, refuses to allow the word “snowman” to be spoken in his presence was funny, but that was the exception and not the norm. 

After watching JACK FROST, I do understand why Frosty has retained his place as the world’s favorite talking snowman even after this film’s 1998 release. I think the idea of a talking snowman works much better in Frosty’s context. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll go ahead and watch Frosty the Snowman again when I’m done here. But you never know, JACK FROST just may grow on me. Since my wife loves it, I know we’ll be watching it this same time next year! 

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 2.20 “Mesmer’s Bauble”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, things get dark.

Episode 2.20 “Mesmer’s Bauble”

(Dir by Armand Mastroianni, originally aired by May 1st, 1989)

Howard Moore (Martin Neufeld) is the latest in a long line of nerdy Friday the 13th villains.  With his long hair, unwashed appearance, and crazy eyes, Howard is an easy target for some of the less compassionate citizens of Canada.  Of course, Howard doesn’t help things by having a totally creepy personality.  He works in a vinyl record store, where he offers up unsolicited music advice to the teenage customers, the majority of whom giggle awkwardly whenever he’s nearby.  Howard is obsessed with a singer named Angelica (Vanity) but there’s no way Howard could ever actually meet her.

Or at least, that’s the case until he finds Mesmer’s Bauble.  Having once belonged to the inventor of hypnotism, this crystal pendant grants Howard anything that he asks for, as long as he first uses it to hypnotize people and then kill them.  (It turns out that merely looking at the pendant is enough to send someone into a hypnotic trance.)  As with so many Friday the 13th villains, Howard quickly comes to love having the power to kill people.  I’ve always felt that the majority of this show’s villains are basically addicts.  Instead of being addicted to drugs, they’re addicted to the rush of power that comes with using a cursed antique to get what they want.  That’s certainly the case with Howard.

At first, Howard thinks that he wants Angelia to love him.  He kills both her publicist and her manager in order to get closer to her.  But, once he’s finally close to her, Howard apparently realizes that he actually wants to be Angelica.  In an effectively nightmarish sequence, Howard and Angelica’s body appear to merge into one.  Howard literally turns into Angelia while Angelica presumably withers away into nothingness.  Howard is now Angelica, which will undoubtedly upset Ryan, who has bought two tickets for Angelica’s latest show.

It’s up to Micki and Ryan to recover the pendant and they manage to do so in the most anticlimactic way possible.  They go to Angelica/Howard’s concert and Micki grabs the pendant while Angelica/Howard is singing.  Without the pendant, Angelica dissolves into Howard and then a panicked Howard is promptly electrocuted on stage.

Howard’s dead but so are a lot of other people.  At the shop, Micki and Ryan confess to Jack that they feel that they failed because so many people died before they got the pendant.  Jack shrugs and basically tells them “that’s life.”  What a dark ending!  Actually, it was rare that Friday the 13th didn’t end on a dark note.

This was an effectively creepy episode, one that worked because of just how dark it allowed things to get.  Even Jack pointed out that the pendant’s powers didn’t always make sense, which made it even more dangerous in the hands of someone like Howard.  There were a few loose ends.  I found it a bit odd that there wasn’t a bigger public reaction to a famous black woman turning into an ugly white guy and then dying in front of a crowded club.  In fact, the show left it a bit unclear as to what actually happened to Angelica after Howard transformed into her but I’m going to guess it was nothing good.  In the end, though, this episode was effectively macabre.

THE DEAD POOL – the 5th and final Dirty Harry adventure!

Posted on by Bradley Crain

Dirty Harry Callahan has brought so much joy into my life. I remember when I was in 5th Grade in 1983, the hot phrase was “Go ahead. Make my day.” You heard that phrase everywhere. It may have been said by Dirty Harry in the 4th Harry Callahan adventure, SUDDEN IMPACT, but it transcended the movie and became a cultural phenomenon. Somewhere between 1983 and 1988, I was able to watch all of the Dirty Harry films, DIRTY HARRY, MAGNUM FORCE, THE ENFORCER and SUDDEN IMPACT. I just loved Harry. He was always sticking it to his superiors, and then doing whatever it took to take out the bad guys. That was an amazing combination for me. I was 14 years old when the 5th and final Dirty Harry film, THE DEAD POOL, was released into the theaters in July of 1988. This was the first Dirty Harry film to be released after our family got our VCR in the mid 80’s. I couldn’t wait to rent it. 

In THE DEAD POOL, Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood) finds himself the target of crime boss Lou Janero, as Harry was crucial in his arrest and subsequent conviction. This high profile news story has caught the attention of the horror film director, Peter Swan (Liam Neeson). It’s seems Swan and some of his friends are playing a twisted game called “the dead pool” where they predict the deaths of certain celebrities based on various factors going on in their lives. Harry Callahan is a local celebrity and Swan includes him on his list due to his role in the Janero conviction. This “dead pool” game is leaked to reporter Samantha Walker (Patricia Clarkson) after the murder of Johnny Squares (Jim Carrey), who’s on Peter Swan’s list. As celebrities who are on Swan’s list continue to die, Harry and his partner Al Kwan (Evan C. Kim) try to figure out if Swan is behind the killings, or if someone else is trying to frame him, all while trying to keep themselves alive!

There are so many cool and interesting things about THE DEAD POOL. First, there has never been a character any more awesome than Harry Callahan, as played by Clint Eastwood. He will do whatever it takes to get the bad guys, regardless of what his superiors think. As a rule follower, I absolutely love Harry’s approach to life and live vicariously through him. Only vigilante Paul Kersey, played by Charles Bronson in the DEATH WISH films, rivals Callahan in his willingness to fight for justice, everyone else be damned! Second, future superstar actor Jim Carrey has the role of Johnny Squares, the drug-addicted rocker whose death kicks off the public’s knowledge of the dead pool. In hindsight, it’s fun seeing Carrey as a working actor in 1988, while also knowing that he’d become one of the biggest stars in the world over the next decade. It’s also pretty cool seeing a pre-superstar Liam Neeson as horror director Peter Swan. Third, in the late 80’s, I loved the rock group Guns N Roses. The group members are in this film in two places. They’re in the sequence where a harpoon stunt goes wrong, as well as at the funeral of Johnny Squares. Hell, guitarist Slash gets to fire the harpoon! Their hit song “Welcome to the Jungle” also has a prominent part in the film. I loved their other hits “Sweet Child of Mine,” and “Paradise City,” when I was a teenager. Fourth, I always love Harry’s catchphrases from the films. Each Dirty Harry film has its own catchphrase, including examples like “Do you feel lucky?” and “Go ahead. Make my day.” In THE DEAD POOL, various bad guys get “you’re shit out of luck.” Shit is a favorite curse word of my family, so I like this one. Fifth, THE DEAD POOL has a crazy car chase sequence. In this sequence, Harry and his partner Al Kwan find themselves chased by a remote-controlled car packing a bomb. It makes for some interesting visuals as the tiny car chases them through those familiar streets of San Francisco. It’s not often that filmmakers can come up with a new way to present a car chase, but they do a great job here. Finally, I enjoy seeing the media getting skewered in THE DEAD POOL. Patricia Clarkson’s reporter character has a solid arc as she goes from someone at the beginning of the movie who will do anything to get an exclusive story, to someone who is even willing to forego the exclusive if it’s the “right thing to do.” Our media is a hopeless mess these days where opinion is treated as facts, and actual facts are treated as an option. Where’s Dirty Harry to clean this up in 2024? 

I’m a fan of THE DEAD POOL, and I probably watch it every year or two. If you haven’t ever seen it, or if it’s been a while, I’d definitely recommend it! 

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 3.4 “Another Kind of War, Another Kind of Peace”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark bring together a family.

Episode 3.4 “Another Kind of War, Another Kind of Peace”

(Dir by Dan Gordon, originally aired on October 15th, 1986)

Clancy (Eugene Roche) is an old man who has never gotten over the death of his son in Vietnam.  He lives alone in an apartment in Los Angeles.  His only friend is Guido Liggio (Ernest Borgnine), an Italian taxi driver who lives next door.  Guido, who came to this country as a refugee during World War II, is the type of salt-of-the-Earth character who says stuff like, “Clancy, how come you no be a-nice to the people?”  And Clancy is the type of bitter old man who says stuff like, “Don’t ask me for money, ya bum!”

Jonathan and Mark show up at Clancy’s apartment and inform him that they work for an agency that brings refugees to the United States.  They explain that Clancy’s son had a child in Vietnam.  Now, both Clancy’s grandchild and the grandchild’s mother are in the United States and they need somewhere to stay.  Clancy is angered by the news, claiming that the mother is lying and just trying to get into the country.  But eventually, he agrees to allow Lan Nguyen (Haunani Minn) and Michael Nguyen (Ernie Reyes, Jr.) to stay in his apartment.  He even agrees to give Michael lunch money so that Michael won’t starve at school.  Otherwise, Clancy says that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with either of them.

Guido, on the other hand, is more than willing to host Lan and Michael.  He’s a refugee himself and, even more importantly, he’s everyone’s favorite character actor, Ernest Borgnine!  But Jonathan and Mark understand that their assignment is to bring together Clancy and his grandson.  Guido is a nice guy but he’s not Michael’s grandfather.

At school, a bully (Adam Gifford) is stealing Michael’s lunch money.  When Michael says that he needs the money for food, the bully threatens to hurt Clancy.  What a jerk!  Seriously, check out this totally 80s bully:

When the principal tells Mark and Jonathan that Michael has been spending his lunchtime searching for food in the school dumpsters, Jonathan tells Clancy.  Clancy, angered that his money is being wasted, heads down to the school and confronts the bully.  Jonathan briefly gives Clancy and Michael “the stuff,” which allows them to beat up the bully and his entire gang.  This experience brings grandson and grandfather together.  So, I guess the message here is that violence is the answer.  Forget about that turning the other cheek stuff.  Instead, just throw your bully through a car window.

This episode was pretty much what most people picture when they think of a typical Highway to Heaven episode.  It was unabashedly sentimental and a bit simplistic in its approach.  It was earnest enough to be likable though a bit too heavy-handed for its own good.  Any show that features Ernest Borgnine as a special guest star is not exactly going to deliver anything resembling a subtle story.  While this episode was never quite as good as I wanted it to be, I was still glad that Michael and his mother found a home.

Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 1.20 “The Older Woman”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, things get even dumber than usual.  Forever summer!

Episode 1.20 “The Older Woman”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on April 11th, 1999)

Tracyee wants to try to out for the Lakers cheerleading squad.  Unfortunately, she makes the mistake of sharing her plans with Samantha and Stads, both of whom are morally offended that Tracyee would actually want to do something that could bring her 1) a steady income and 2) the fame that she’s desperately been searching for since this show started.  Stads and Sam both declare cheerleading to be sexist and degrading.  However, when they find out that the auditions will be televised, they decide to try out so that they can denounce the Lakers on television.

(Of course, unless the try-outs are being aired live, it’s probable that anything Samantha or Stads said would have been edited out of the program.  Add to that, it doesn’t seem to occur to either one of them that they would also probably be ruining Traycee’s chance of making the squad as well.)

Now, I should point out that this is just the B-story.  Only a few scenes are devoted to Murray training Sam, Stads, and Traycee before their try-outs.  In the end, Murray is such a good coach that he’s the one hired for the cheerleading squad.  The most (and really the only) interesting thing about this B-story is that it shows just how unlikeable and one-dimensional both Sam and Stads became as the first season progressed.  There’s really no reason for them to even involve themselves in Traycee’s quest to become a Lakers Girl.  Traycee indicates that she knows that it’s all sexist and exploitive but — and this is key — she doesn’t care.  As soon as Traycee indicates that she doesn’t care, that’s the signal for Stads and Sam to back off.

(One of the consistent things about all of the teen sitcoms produced by Peter Engel was that feminists, whether they were Jessie Spano on Saved By The Bell or Julie on Hang Time, were always portrayed as being shrill, humorless, and, worst of all, hypocritical.)

As for the main plot — hey, it’s stupid too!  In fact, it’s both stupid and creepy!  Peter has hired a graphic artist named Laura (Odile Corso) to redesign the restaurant’s menus.  Peter seems to like Laura and Jason decides that he’s going to help his father get laid.  (He doesn’t put it that way but that’s still the general idea.)  However, while Jason is trying to convince his father to ask out Laura, Laura decides to ask out Jason.

This is a bit awkward, seeing as how Jason is supposed to be a high school student!  Even worse, the episode ends with Peter explaining that Laura was too young for him and suggesting that Jason should have asked her out.  Again, why would a successful and attractive woman in her mid-to-late 20s want to date a shallow high school student who works in his father’s restaurant?  This is not the first time that I’ve wondered if this show’s writers remembered that Jason and Scott were established, at the start of the season, as being high school students.  Then again, even if Jason wasn’t a high school student, he would still be a sociopathic nepo baby so maybe Laura just has bad taste in general.  As for Peter, he ends up dating a dentist, who is played by Deborah Shelton (who, in presumably better times, had a key role in Brian DePalma’s Body Double).

This was a dumb episode, even by the standards of Malibu, CA.

 

FAST-WALKING – James Woods and Kay Lenz light up the screen!

Posted on by Bradley Crain

One of the first movies I ever watched starring James Woods is COP. It’s a 1988 action thriller about a police detective on the trail of a serial killer. I really enjoyed the movie, which was directed by James B. Harris. Harris is a producer and director whose various credits include THE KILLING (1956), PATHS OF GLORY (1957), LOLITA (1962) and TELEFON (1977, with Charles Bronson). Harris also directed James Woods in a movie from 1981 called FAST-WALKING. 

FAST-WALKING is about a prison guard named Frank “Fast-Walking” Minniver. He loves to smoke pot and dream about a future life in a beautiful part of Oregon. In order to make that move, though, he needs to make some money. When a black revolutionary named William Galliot is transferred to his prison, he finds himself with some options, as he receives offers of money from two different sides. On one side is his cousin Wasco, a prison trustee who offers Fast-Walking $25,000 to kill the revolutionary as part of a staged prison race riot. On the other side is Galliot’s own people who offer him a bag of money containing $50,000 if he’ll help Galliot escape. The biggest obstacle to taking the bigger payday is that Wasco threatens to kill Fast-Walking’s lady love Moke, if he doesn’t make the right choice.

The cast is phenomenal in FAST-WALKING beginning with James Woods as the title character. In his best roles, Woods is somewhat morally ambiguous, and we hope he makes the right decisions at the end. This definitely fits that mold. Kay Lenz was sexy as hell as Moke. We’re not supposed to be sure if she’s just using Fast-Walking or if she truly loves him. She plays that balance well. In a surprising turn of events, M. Emmet Walsh gives the most memorable performance of his career, and it doesn’t have a thing to do with his acting. Rather, he does a full frontal nude scene. I’d like to forget this performance, but it’s burned into my psyche at this point. Tim McIntire was the revelation to me, though, as Fast-Walking’s inmate cousin Wasco. This is the only role I really know him from, and he absolutely nails it. The fate of his character is one of the most satisfying parts of the entire film. Unfortunately, McIntire would suffer from drug and alcohol addiction and would pass away a few years after completing his role in FAST-WALKING. I can’t help but think there could have been more great performances if his career would have been longer. 

I recommend FAST-WALKING. It’s not a perfect film, but James Woods, Kay Lenz, and Tim McIntire all make it worth watching. 

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.1 “Stressed Environment”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, we begin the third season of Monsters!

Episode 3.1 “Stressed Environment”

(Dir by Jeffrey Wolf, originally aired on September 30th, 1990)

The third season of Monsters starts off with the story of an experiment gone wrong.

For twelve years, Dr. Elizabeth Porter (Carol Lynley) has been experimenting with lab rats, trying to help them evolve into a higher form of intelligence.  Her work is supervised by Dr. Robert Winston (Victor Raider-Wexler) and her assistants are the cowardly Keith (Scott Weir) and Gina (Kathleen McCall).  The episode opens with a lengthy (by Monsters standards) scene of Gina undressing and then putting on her special rat feeding uniform while Keith tries to discreetly watch.  It’s a scene that really has little to do with the rest of the episode but I guess the producers of Monsters decided that the best way to survive to a fourth season would be to appeal to teenage boys.

Anyway, Keith’s crush on Gina comes to naught because Gina is killed while trying to feed the rats.  It turns out that the rats have gotten smart.  They’ve gotten smart enough to build crude spears and crossbows and use them as weapons.  Dr. Winston wants to shut the experiment down.  Keith wants to go home.  Elizabeth, however, wants to protect her rats and see if she can convince them to give up their weapons and live in peace.  Dr. Winston points out that if humans can’t convince their own species to do that, how is Elizabeth going to convince a bunch of rats?

And Dr. Winston has a point.  Elizabeth may think that she has a special bond with the rats but the rats disagree.  Soon, Gina is not the only person to have lost their life to an army of spear-carrying rats.  The episode ends with Keith as the sole survivor and his ultimate fate is still up in the air.  The rats are angry, ruthless, and armed.

And cute!

Seriously, this episode probably might have been more effective if the rats themselves have been a bit more frightening but it wouldn’t have been as much fun.  As it is, the use of crude puppets actually made the rats look kind of adorable, especially when they were holding their little spears and setting up their little crossbows.  Of course, one reason why I found the rats to be cute is because I’m used to CGI.  I take CGI for granted.  This episode was made when special effects people still had to use puppets for their monsters and, as a result, the rats don’t really look like rats.  They’re so fake-looking that it’s hard not to like them.  They’re a throw-back to a simpler and more innocent time.

This was actually a pretty entertaining episode and a great way to start season 3!  I appreciated that this episode of Monsters featured actual monsters.  After the uneven batch of episodes that finished up the second season of this show, it’s nice to season 3 starting off on the right foot.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.8 and 5.9 “Farnsworth’s Fling/Three in a Bed/I Remember Helen/Merrill, Melanie & Melanesia/Gopher Farnsworth Smith”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, we have a two-hour special!

Episodes 5.8 and 5.9 “Farnsworth’s Fling/Three in a Bed/I Remember Helen/Merrill, Melanie & Melanesia/Gopher Farnsworth Smith”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on November 21st, 1981)

The Love Boat crew is back in Australia, sailing from Sydney to Fiji and back again.  The Captain remembers his time in the Navy and a lost love who he met while serving in the South Pacific.  Julie remembers her love affair with Tony and how he left her at the altar after he discovered that he was dying.  Anthony Andrews, who played Tony, is listed as being a guest star on this episode but he only appears in archival footage.  Tony, we learn, has died but his brother, David (Brendon Lunney), assures Julie that her letters to him provided him with much comfort during his final days.

(David only appears for a minute or two, when Julie visits the animal preserve where Tony worked.  Still, in that minute, he and Julie have so much chemistry that I found myself hoping that David would spontaneously propose to her.)

As for the cruise, the majority of the cabins are populated by the relatives of William Otis Farnsworth (Lloyd Bridges).  Farnsworth is one of the richest men in the world and he’s taking a cruise with his entire family because he wants to see who is truly worthy of inheriting his fortune.  The ship is full of people looking to get rich, including:

  1. Jenny (Moran Fairchild) and Bud Boyer (Grant Goodeve), who are hoping that William will not discover that they’ve recently gotten divorced,
  2. Hazel (Patti MacLeod) and Frank Fransworth (Russell Newman), who hope that Hazel imitating William’s deceased wife will cause William to mention them favorably in his will,
  3. Marcia (Jessica Walter), who was married to William’s brother and who has basically hired gold digger Jessica Halberson (Linda Evans) to seduce and marry William, and
  4. Burl “Gopher” Smith, who thinks that he might be distantly related to William and who, with Isaac’s encouragement, tries to get close to William.  Gopher even calls his mother (Ethel Merman) to find out if he’s a relative.  She’s not much help.

Not interested in the money is William’s niece, Eloise (Beth Howland).  Eloise, who is William’s administrative assistant, finds herself falling in love with William’s valet, country boy Wayne Burton (Jim Nabors).  Words cannot begin to express just how annoying Jim Nabors is in this episode.  “Surprise surprise surpise!” Wayne says when he shows up on the boat.  “Golly!” Wayne says when a conscience-stricken Jessica tries to break up with William.  I found myself covering my ears whenever Nabors appeared on screen.

The main problem here is that none of these people are remotely likable.  Not even William Farnsworth is likable.  He’s meant to be likable but really, he comes across as being a judgmental jerk.  When Jessica tries to leave the ship and fly back to Sidney, William reacts by buying every single plane ticket on the island.  Jessica can’t leave but hey …. neither can anyone else!

Far more likable was Melanie (Margaret Laurence), the daughter of the Captain’s former lover, Madeleine.  Melanie is a dead-ringer for her mother and the Captain falls in love with her.  Melanie also falls in love with him.  She proposes marriage.  Awwww!  But then she realizes marrying the Captain would mean abandoning her job as a teacher so she calls the wedding off.  So now, both the Captain and Julie have had their heart broken in Australia.  At least they now have something to bond over.

For a two-hour episode, there really wasn’t much plot to this episode.  It was largely a travelogue.  There were a lot of kangaroos and koala bears and they were certainly cute.  The scenery was lovely.  Otherwise, this was a cruise full of rather unlikable people.  Australia deserved better.