Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Nightmare Café 1.3 “Fay & Ivy”

Posted on October 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Nightmare Cafe, which ran on NBC from January to April of 1992. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Fay’s sister comes to visit!

Episode 1.3 “Fay & Ivy”

(Dir by Christopher Leitch, originally aired on March 13th, 1992)

The third episode of Nightmare Café opens with a young woman named Ivy (played by Molly Parker) coming to the big city with her boyfriend, Jesse (Peter Outerbridge). Ivy is totally excited to be in the big city because she thinks that she’s going to finally track down her older sister. Ivy’s sister left home ten years ago and Ivy isn’t even sure what she looks like. However, for ten years straight, Ivy’s sister sent her letters about how great life in the city was. The last of her sister’s letters invited Ivy to come out to the city herself.

Jesse is a bit less excited about the prospect of finding Ivy’s sister. In fact, Jesse is a bit of a controlling jerk who “accidentally” drops one of the letters while he and Ivy are getting off the train. Jesse is coming to the big city so that he can find new ways to make money, like robbing a convenience store while the clueless Ivy waits outside.

As for the dropped letter, it’s picked up by Robert Englund’s Blackie, who reads the letter, has a good laugh, and then speaks straight to the audience. Blackie informs us that Ivy’s sister is Fay and that Fay probably doesn’t even remember inviting Ivy to come see her.

As Blackie puts it: “I wonder if she remembers issuing this invitation. She’d just as soon forget. You suppose the café will let her forget? I don’t.”

And, sure enough, Ivy and Jesse eventually end up in the Nightmare Café. were Fay is the waitress and Frank is the cook. Fay, who earlier was saying that she felt like there was still some things in her former life that she needed to take care of, is shocked to see Ivy. For her part, Ivy doesn’t recognize Fay. And, for Jesse’s part, he gets upset when Fay starts asking Ivy too many questions about her life back home. Jesse grabs Ivy and the two of them leave the café.

Frank leaves the café to search for Ivy and Jesse, saying that he’s getting bored with being stuck in the building. (In a mildly amusing subplot, the café actually gets offended by Frank’s comments and requires Frank to apologize before he’s allowed to later reenter the building.) Ivy and Jesse, meanwhile, end up in a tattoo parlor where Jesse gets a tattoo from none other than Blackie himself. (Robert Englund appears to be having a ball playing a tattoo artist.)

As for Fay, she uses the cafe’s phone to call her mother. When Fay identifies herself, her mother (Penny Fuller) refuses to believe that Fay is calling. Fay, realizing that her mother has never forgiven her for leaving home, tells her mom that Ivy is in the city and that she’s in trouble. Fay then has what appears to be a café-inspired hallucination in which she finds herself talking to her mother face-to-face and the two of them discuss their strained relationship. It’s a touching scene, well-played by Penny Fuller and Lindsay Frost.

In the end, everyone ends up back at the café. Jesse returns to the café to try to rob it and he drags Ivy (who now knows that Fay is her sister) with her. Frank returns to the café with Ivy’s mother, who says that she came to the city after having a weird dream in which Fay called her to tell her that Ivy was in trouble. Finally, Blackie shows up so that he can zap Jesse into the back of a police car.

With Jesse gone, Fay, Ivy, and their mother have a cup of coffee. While declining to mention that she’s actually dead, Fay does say that it’s a bit too late for her to fix her relationship with her mother. But there’s still time for her mom and Ivy to talk and get to know each other. Ivy and her mom, for their part, both think that Fay left home and disappeared because she works for the federal government.

This was kind of a sad episode, really. Fay wants to heal her relationship with both her mother and her sister but, in the end, she’s forced to accept that she’s dead and they’re not. Fay and Frank can help people live better lives but their own lives are pretty much over and they’re going to spend an eternity in the Nightmare Café.

I liked this episode, which was considerably more straight-forward in its storytelling approach than the previous two. What it lack in surreal imagery, it made up for in genuine emotion.

Next week, the café helps a dying detective sold one last murder!

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.6 “Calderone’s Return Part 2: Calderone’s Demise”

Posted on October 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Crockett and Tubbs finally get their revenge on Calderone!

Episode 1.6 “Calderone’s Return Part 2: Calderone’s Demise”

(Dir by Paul Michael Glaser, originally aired on October 26th, 1984)

This episode of Miami Vice opens with Crockett and Tubbs interrogating an associate of the hitman who Calderone (Miguel Pinero) sent to kill Sonny during the previous episode. Crockett and Tubbs yell at the man and basically threatened to beat the crap out of him unless he tells them where Calderone is hiding in the Bahamas. They eventually get the information that they want but it’s hard not to compare their methods to the methods that the “bad” cops previously used to get a false confession from the Haitians in episode 4.

Of course, in this case, it’s personal for Crockett and Tubbs. Calderone killed Tubbs’s brother. Calderone’s assassin killed Lt. Rodriguez and nearly killed Sonny’s wife and son. And besides, how could any viewer spend too much time worrying about the ethics of how they got their information when it leads to an extended sequence of Crockett and Tubbs stoically standing in one of Crockett’s speed boats as they race across the ocean to the Bahamas?

Miami Vice has often been described as being the ultimate example of style over substance and, while I think that’s an oversimplification because Miami Vice definitely had something to say about greed and the war on drugs, it is true that this episode proves just how many illogical plot developments an audience is willing to accept as long as the story is told with a certain amount of visual fliar.

Because, seriously, at no point does Crockett and Tubbs’s plan make any sense.

Basically, Crockett and Tubbs are planning to work undercover on the island so that they can get close to Calderone. Here’s the thing, though — Calderone has seen both Crockett and Tubbs so it’s not like he’s not going to recognize them if he spots them. (Calderone even sent a hitman to kill Crockett.) As well, since neither Calderone nor anyone in his entourage actually met the hitman, Crockett is planning on pretending to be the hitman and demanding more money for his services. However, the hitman is from Argentina and there’s absolutely nothing about Don Johnson (or Sonny Crockett) that suggests that he could be from anywhere in South America. Finally, one has to be willing to accept that Calderone no longer has any contacts in Miami who could call him up and say, “Hey, your hitman’s dead and Sonny Crockett is still alive.”

Tubbs, meanwhile, pretends to be an art gallery owner so he can approach Angelina (Phanie Napoli), the artist who he believes to be Calderone’s mistress. It’s not until after Tubbs has slept with her that he discovers that she is actually Calderone’s daughter and she believes her father to be a legitimate businessman. Despite having known her for only a day, Tubbs tells Crockett that he’s falling in love with her.

By that point, Calderone has already figured out that Sonny and Tubbs are on the island and they’ve already been through one exciting car chase. Logic would suggest that Sonny and Tubbs should now leave the island but, instead, they decide to put on masks so that they can attend the carnival. The masks, however, don’t do fool anyone as they’re both grabbed by Calderone’s men and taken to Calderone’s mansion where Calderone ends up getting gunned down while Angelina screams, “NOOOOOO!” Needless to say, that’s pretty much the end of Angelina’s romance with Tubbs.

As I said, the plot doesn’t always make much sense. The whole storyline is dependent on Tubbs, Crockett, and Calderone almost always choosing to make the most illogical choices. Calderone could have easily killed Tubbs and Crockett at the carnival but, for some reason, he brought them to his home. Tubbs and Crockett could have arrested Calderone for jumping bail and taken him back to Miami but, instead, they came up with an undercover plan that was doomed to failure. It makes no sense but it’s so stylish that it doesn’t matter. The slow motion shootouts, the car chases, the masks, the beautiful island scenery, the spacey comedic relief provided by Sam McMurray in the role of a stoned resort manager, all of that comes together so nicely that the plot ultimately doesn’t matter. It’s pure style and both Johnson and Thomas are so charismatic as Crockett and Tubbs that they’re a pleasure to watch even when they’re doing stupid things.

Next week: Edward James Olmos arrives at Vice.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Degrassi Junior High 1.5 “The Great Race”

Posted on October 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989! The series can be streamed on YouTube!

This week, Degrassi goes there!

Episode 1.5 “The Great Race”

(Dir by Clarke Mackey, originally aired on February 15th, 1987)

“Degrassi goes there!” was the catch phrase that was often used to describe Degrassi: The Next Generation because Degrassi had a reputation for being the show that would deal with the type of issues that other teen shows didn’t have the guts to take on. Indeed, it’s generally agreed that Degrassi did, at the beginning, “go there.” The general point of contention amongst fans is when Degrassi stopped going there and became too much of a soap opera for its own good. A lot of fans will tell you that it was Season 10. Personally, I think it was when the show moved to Netflix. But no matter. That’s something that we will get to far in the future.

This week’s episode of Degrassi Junior High proves that Degrassi was willing to go there before the cast members of the Next Generation had even been born. This episode opens with Melanie (Sara Ballingall) worrying that her breasts aren’t developing as quickly as they should be and complaining that her mother refuses to allow her to wear a bra because she says that Melanie doesn’t need one. When her friend, L.D. (Amanda Cook), secretly takes Melanie bra shopping, Melanie feels good about herself for exactly 12 hours before she goes to school and is immediately made fun of by Joey (Pat Mastoianni) and his idiot friends. Myself, I had the opposite issue of Melanie when I was in middle school. I developed before everyone else and I had to deal with stupid and hurtful comments about actually having breasts, not just from the boys and girls who had the excuse of being immature but also from adults who really should have known better. Growing up is not easy.

Melanie has a crush on a classmate who is named Archie but who is known as …. OH MY GOD, IT’S SNAKE! As any fan of Degrassi knows, Archibald “Snake” Simpson (Stefan Brogren) is destined to become one of the most important characters in the history of the franchise. Though he starts out as just another student, Snake is destined to become a teacher at Degrassi, Emma Nelson’s stepfather, a cancer survivor, and eventually the school’s principal. All of that is far in the future, of course. In this episode, Snake is just a friendly and tall guy who wears a loud Hawaiian shirt and occasionally flashes an appealing smile. In fact, Snake is not even friends with Joey or Wheels in this episode. (That will change, with their friendship coming to define Degrassi for many people.)

Everyone in this episode is fascinated by Snake. Yick and Arthur, who are worried that they’re not getting as tall as their classmates, decide to follow around the very tall Snake to see what he eats. Meanwhile, Jason (Tyson Talbot), the captain of the soccer team, wants Snake to join the soccer team because he’s a good swimmer.

What? Okay, allow me to explain….

Basically, when the totally sexist Jason makes an announcement asking people to come out and support the Boys’ Soccer Team, L.D. and Melanie demand to know why he didn’t mention the fact that the Girls’ Swim Team, of which they are both members, won their last swim meet. Jason replies that no one cares about girls’ sports. This leads to the swim team challenging the soccer team to a swimming competition. Because Snake is a championship swimmer, Jason wants him to swim for the boys but Snake would have to join the soccer team to do so and, as Snake himself admits, he sucks at soccer. (Awwwww! That’s our Snake! Always honest! Except for that time he cheated on Spike but again, that’s far in the future….)

Anyway, Melanie is so tired of being made ridiculed that she’s not sure that she even wants to swim anymore. But Snake encourages her to do so because she’s really good at swimming. (Snake has realized that Jason just wanted him to join the soccer team so he could swim and being the most ethical student at Degrassi, Snake wants not part of that.) Melanie shows up for the meet and the girls totally humiliate the boys. YAY! Plus, the girls’ team gets revenge on Joey by tossing him in the pool. YAY AGAIN!

This was a good episode and a good example of Degrassi going there and handling a subject to which its viewers could relate with sensitivity. Plus, after walking around in the background for the previous 4 episodes, Snake finally got to speak. It’s just not Degrassi without Snake!

Retro Television Reviews: The Failing of Raymond (dir by Boris Sagal)

Posted on October 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1971’s The Failing of Raymond! It can be viewed on YouTube!

Poor Raymond!

Played by a young Dean Stockwell, Raymond is patient at a mental hospital who blames everything that has gone wrong on his life on one failed test. During his senior year of high school, he got a 61 on an English test and, as a result, he not only only failed the class but he also wasn’t allowed to graduate. The test was administered by a substitute teacher named Mary Bloomquist (Jane Wyman), one who did not know that Raymond had a reputation for being a bit eccentric. When Raymond tried to ask her whether or not the final two questions were for extra credit, Mary refused to call on him because she was more preoccupied with her failed affair with another teacher (Dana Andrews). Raymond didn’t answer the final two questions, even though he believed that he had the correct answers. Now, locked away in a hospital, Raymond comes across an article announcing that beloved teacher Mary Bloomquist will soon be retiring and moving to England.

Seeking revenge, Raymond escapes from the hospital. While police Sgt. Manzek (Murray Hamilton) search for Raymond, Raymond returns to his old school. When he finds Mary in her classroom, Mary mistakes Raymond for a mover responding to a classified ad asking for help in getting all of her things packed up. Raymond may be a homicidal but he also craves direction and praise so he helps Mary with her packing. As he packs, Mary talks about her decision to retire and it turns out that she’s not quite the monster that Raymond imagined her to be. Mary is retiring because she feels that she has never made a difference as a teacher.

That said, Raymond is still determined to get his revenge. He wants Mary to give him the test a second time and to give him a passing grade. And if she doesn’t, he’s prepared to kill her. Unfortunately, despite claiming to have spent years studying the material, Raymond still thinks that Robert Browning wrote the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner.…

As the old saying goes, you never know how much your actions might effect someone else’s life. Mary is a dedicated and well-meaning teacher who cares about her students but her decision to fail Raymond, made on a day when she was distracted by her own personal problems, is something that Raymond has never forgotten or forgiven. Mary can barely remember it happening but Raymond has based his entire life around that moment and, as the film progresses, it becomes clear that he’s incapable of understanding that the entire world doesn’t revolve around what happened to him during his senior year. On the one hand, Mary definitely should have answered Raymond’s question about whether or not the final two questions were multiple choice. On the other hand, Raymond has clearly been using the incident as an excuse to justify every mistake that he’s made sense. Ironically, Raymond’s quest for revenge gives Mary the chance to finally be the teacher that she truly wants to be.

It’s an intriguing premise. Unfortunately, like so many made-for-TV movies from the early 70s, The Failing of Raymond is occasionally a bit too stagey for its own good. Despite only being 73 minutes long, it never really develops any sort of narrative momentum. That said, Dean Stockwell gives a performance that makes clear why Alfred Hitchcock was planning on casting him as Norman Bates if Anthony Perkins somehow fell through. As played by Stockwell, Raymond is unfailingly polite and so obviously wounded that it’s impossible not to feel sympathy for him, even when he’s threatening to kill his former teacher. Jane Wyman, as well, gives a sympathetic performance as Mary, who, despite that one bad day with Raymond, really is the type of teacher we all wish we could have had.

This film was directed by Boris Sagal, who did several made-for-TV movies and also directed Charlton Heston in The Omega Man. His daughter, Katey Sagal, makes her film debut in a small role as one of Raymond’s fellow patients.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Check It Out 1.2 “Labor and Other Relations”

Posted on October 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Canada goes on strike!

Episode 1.2 “Labor And Other Relations”

(Dir by Stan Harris, originally aired on October 9th, 1985)

I am two episodes into Check It Out and my favorite character is Marlene, the cashier played by Kathleen Laskey. She’s my favorite specifically because she has the same attitude that I would have if I was working as a cashier. She doesn’t care about the customers, she doesn’t worry about showing up for work on time, and she takes her first break ten minutes after the store opens. Plus, out of everyone who works at the store, she has the best fashion sense.

This episode also established that Marlene is the “shop steward” of the Cobb’s union. No one has ever joined the union, other than Marlene. But that changes when mean old Mrs. Cobb (Barbara Hamilton) announces that employees of Cobb’s will, from now on, only be allowed to take two coffee breaks a day. Marlene declares this to be an outrage and invites everyone — except for manager Howard (Don Adams) and assistant manager Christian (Jeff Pustil) — to a union meeting at her apartment. Soon, every employee of the store is outside, picketing. Meanwhile, Howard and Christian are forced to bag groceries and deal with customers.

Frustrated by the fact that everyone has joined the union, Howard goes outside to confront the picketers. Murray (Simon Reynolds), the young bagger who has a crush on Marlene, asks Howard to hold his sign so that he can run into the store and use the bathroom. (Wouldn’t that count as crossing the picket line? I’ve never been a member of a union so I’m not really sure how all of this works.) Howard agrees to hold Murray’s “Cobbs Is Unfair” sign. Of course, a local reporter snaps a picture of Howard and soon, he’s on the front page of the newspaper.

Howard is just not having a good week. First off, we learn, in a scene that goes on for way too long, that he’s still struggling with impotence and hasn’t had sex with Edna (Dinah Christie) for weeks. (Edna is also Howard’s secretary and a member of the union so really, it seems like there’s all sorts of issues here.) And now, he’s on the front page of the newspaper, picketing his own store. Ms. Cobb shows up to fire him, saying that she was also responsible for “firing the Shah of Iran” back in 1979. (What?)

Fortunately, the other employees of Cobb’s come to the rescue by barging into Howard’s office and announcing that they’ve voted him into the Union and therefore, Ms. Cobb can’t fire him for picketing. Howard gets to keep his job, even though I was under the impression that members of management are not allowed to join a union. Howard agrees to give everyone back their coffee breaks, even though that was a corporate policy and it was established early on that Howard didn’t have the power to change it.

This was a weird episode. I’m going to guess that it was not at all a realistic depiction of a labor dispute. There was way too much time devoted to Howard and Edna discussing their lack of a sex life. That said, Marlene’s attitude saved the episode. Even though she didn’t care about her job, she still brought the company to its knees. Woo hoo, you go, Marlene!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.15 “Sweatgate Scandal”

Posted on October 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, the Sweathogs learn about the free press!

Episode 2.15 “Sweatgate Scandal”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 13th, 1977)

Gabe tells Julie about his uncle who was a hunter. Apparently, he went out in the woods, ran into a beautiful woman, and asked her, “Are you game?” She said yes and, as Gabe puts it, “He shot her.”

Yikes!

Meanwhile, at school, Epstein and Horshack are upset that the school newspaper is always “putting down the Sweathogs” and criticizing Freddie as a basketball player. They’re especially upset because Mr. Kotter is the newspaper’s faculty advisor. When Gabe arrives at class, he explains that he’s just the advisor, not the editor. Gabe also says that he’s more interested in the front page story, about someone breaking into Mr. Lazarus’s office and stealing some of his confidential files.

“They’ll probably blame that on us,” Freddie says.

“No one’s going to blame this on you,” Gabe replies.

Of course, Woodman steps into the classroom and immediately demands to know who was responsible for “the Lazarus break-in.” Woodman also demands to know where Gabe was during the break-in. Gabe says that he was attending Woodman’s speech on “Self-defense with a number two pencil.”

Gabe decides that the Sweathogs need to make their voices heard so he offers to give extra credit to any Sweathog who works on the school newspaper. He says that they can investigate the Lazarus break-in.

“Oh, it’ll be just like the All The President’s Men!” Horshack says.

“I get to be Robert Redford!” Barbarino declares.

“Well, I’m Dustin Hoffman,” Epstein replies, “I’m walking here!”

At the school newspaper, Freddie, Horshack, Barbarino, and Epstein find themselves working with two characters who appeared regularly during the first season, Judy Borden (Helaine Lembeck) and Todd Ludlow (Dennis Bowen). Freddie writes the sports page. Horshack reveals his gossip columnist skills by revealing that Judy’s had a nose job. Barbarino and Epstein are investigative reporters and are assigned to investigate the Lazarus Break-In. However, Woodman drops by the newspaper’s office and explains that Lazarus doesn’t want the break-in to be investigated. “Cork it!” Woodman shouts.

After Horshack finds a note in his Twinkie, Epstein and Barbarino head to the Boys’s Bathroom, where they meet up with an informant named Deep Throat. (“But you can call me Deep.”) The informant, who is hiding in a stall, tells them to “Follow the liver.”

“What do I do when I catch it?” Barbarino asks.

Deep Throat goes on to explain that the break-in at Lazarus’s office is connected to another break-in at the school cafeteria.

We cut to the school at night. Barbarino and Epstein have written their story but they need Gabe to look over it and approve it. Gabe arrives at the school in tuxedo, explaining that, once a week, he and Julie play nightclub, in which he puts on a tuxedo and tells jokes while Julie puts on a nightgown and heckles him. Sounds like fun!

The story suggests that the school has been buying liver substitute as opposed to real liver and someone has been pocketing the money that was saved. When Gabe needs a little more proof, Epstein and Barbarino lead him out to the hallway, where Deep Throat awaits in the shadows. Deep Throat confirms the story and then says, “I must go home and gargle.” Could Woodman be Deep Throat?

The latest edition of the newspaper is published, with Barbarino and Epstein’s story on the front page. When Woodman comes in the office and informs them that Lazarus is launching a full-scale investigation but that he’s not happy about the story. Judy informs Woodman that she’s not to blame because she’s an honor’s student.

“I’ve never gotten a B!” Judy says.

“Neither have a I,” Horshack replies.

Woodman reveals that the cafeteria will now be serving real liver and then he lowers his voice and says, “You can call me Deep.”

MR. WOODMAN WAS DEEP THROAT! Well …. yeah, who else would it be? It’s not as if there’s a huge amount of characters on this show.

After Woodman leaves, Gabe asks Barbarino and Epstein if he’s ever told them about his Uncle Max, who once hired an investigative reporter. Barbarino and Epstein groan and Gabe reveals that the investigative reporter discovered that Max’s wife was cheating on him.

This was a cute episode. Barbarino and Epstein always make for a good team and any episode that allows Woodman to go nuts is worth watching. Always follow the liver!

Next week: Gabe’s father comes to visit!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Friday the 13th 1.2 “The Poison Pen”

Posted on October 13, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th, a show which ran in syndication from 1988 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, Ryan, Mickey, and Jack all end up going undercover at an ancient monastery, where one of the monks is using a cursed pen to take out anyone who annoys him.

Episode 1.2 “The Poison Pen”

(Directed by Timothy Bond, originally aired on October 10th, 1987)

The second episode of Friday the 13th: The Series begins at an ancient monastery that is run by a religious order known as The Brotherhood. (It’s never explicitly stated what denomination the Brotherhood belongs too. Their practices seem to be an odd mix of Buddhism and Anglicanism.) The Abbott has gone to top the roof of the monastery. He suddenly starts to float in the air. He thinks that he’s having a religious experience but, just as suddenly, he crashes down to the ground and is killed.

At the antique store, Jack sees a story in the newspaper about the Abbott’s death and he immediately realizes that someone at the monastery purchased a cursed pen from the store. The pen can be used to kill. All one has to do is write out how they want the death to happen (preferably in as florid language as possible) and then write down the name of their victim. That’s a powerful pen and obviously, it must be retrieved!

So, of course, Ryan and Micki have to go undercover as young monks. However, since it’s The Brotherhood and not the Sisterhood, Micki will have to pretend to be male which means tying back her hair, taking a vow of silence, and allowing Ryan to bind her chest. Jack forges a letter of introduction, though you have to wonder why he didn’t just go undercover with Ryan instead of forcing Micki to go through the trouble of trying to pass for a male.

Ryan and Micki move into the monastery and try to figure out which of the monks owns the pen. Unfortunately, they don’t do a very good job of it and two more monks are tragically killed, one suffocated in his bed while the other is beheaded by a guillotine that just happens to be in a storage room for some reason. In fact, Ryan and Micki prove to be so ineffective that Jack is eventually forced to go undercover as well.

Eventually, the owner of the pen is revealed to be Brother Le Croix (Colin Fox), who makes the mistake of writing out Jack, Micki, and Ryan’s death warrant on a piece of paper that already has his name on it. This leads to Brother Le Croix getting a guillotine blade to the back, finally bringing his reign of terror to an end. Ryan and Jack return the pen to the antique store and Micki finally gets to let down her hair and wear a bra again.

I personally think this episode would have been more effective if it had aired later in the season because a good deal of the episode’s humor depended on the idea of Jack, Micki, and Ryan all knowing each other extremely well. Instead, since this is just the second episode, it seems reasonable that Jack barely knows either Micki and Ryan, which makes some of his overly familiar interactions with them feel a bit odd. Unless there was a year-long time skip between the pilot and the second episode, it just doesn’t seem like everyone should be as comfortable around Jack as they are.

As for the episode’s premise, it was all a bit silly. The main problem is that the pen was so powerful that you have to kind of wonder why Brother Le Croix didn’t just use it as soon as he became suspicious of the new monks. Instead, he waited until everyone was gathered in the same room as the guillotine and then he forced them to watch as he wrote out how he wanted them to die and then, he actually announced, “Now, I just have to write down your names!” Why didn’t he write down their names first? It seems like evil was defeated less to due to the actions of our heroes and more because our villain was a true idiot.

Oh well. The important thing is that the pen will write no more!

Next week: Jack, Micki, and Ryan go to college in an episode directed by Atom Egoyan!

Retro Television Reviews: T and T 1.19 “Special Delivery” and 1.20 “Pros and Cons”

Posted on October 13, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, T.S. and Amy continue to keep Canada safe.

Episode 1.19 “Special Delivery”

(Dir by Vic Sarin, originally aired on May 15th, 1988)

“In this episode,” Mr. T tells us during the pre-credits preview, “a young boy’s on the run with only his fears and a mysterious package for company.”

Bruce Johnson (Robert McClure) is an old friend of T.S. Turner’s who is now working as an executive for the Canadian space program. He records a tape in which he tells T.S. that he suspects that someone is trying to sabotage Canada’s latest space rocket and that his life in danger. “If anything happens to me,” Bruce asks, “take care of David and Brenda.” Bruce leaves his office with a package of evidence. He finds his 12 year-old son, David (Jamie Dick) skateboarding in front of a school. He gives the package to David and tells him to deliver it to Decker’s gym. David wears his baseball cap backwards so we all know he’s a rebel. Bruce is nabbed by the police as soon as he gives David the package but, fortunately, David is able to roll away on his skateboard.

With her husband and son both missing, Brenda Johnson (Karen Woolridge) calls T.S. Turner at Amy’s law office. Turner is out but the spacey administrative assistant, Sophie (Catherine Disher), takes the message and then runs down to the courthouse to give it to Amy. As someone who has worked as an administrative assistant, Sophie’s unprofessionalism made me cringe. How can Amy run her law office if the office is so disorganized? I’m surprised T.S. puts up with it.

Amy heads down to the police station, where she discovers that Brenda is being held as a witness in a federal investigation that’s being headed up by Detective Williams (William Finlay), who is a part of the Canadian Bureau of Investigation. Williams asks Amy where Bruce and David are and Amy tells him that Brenda has “civil rights.”

“Civil rights are superseded in matters of treason,” William replies.

Amy threatens to call a press conference so Williams agrees to let Brenda go free. Wow, that was easy!

10 minutes into this episode, T.S. finally shows up. He and Amy get a hot dog on a city street. “Thanks, brother,” T.S. tells the hot dog vendor. Amy fills T.S. in on what’s happening. T.S. suggests that Amy head to the gym while T.S. searches the city. Meanwhile, mysterious men in gray suits watch their every move.

Meanwhile, David continue to ride his skateboard through the city. He gets chased by the cops at one point and has to run through an office building to escape. Seriously, how big is this city? The kid just had to go to the gym!

Finally, 15 minutes into this 23-minute episode, David reaches the gym. However, he can’t go into the gym because the feds are staking it out! So, he just stands around outside with his hands in his pockets. T.S. shows up at the gym and announces, “The Kid’s not going to show up here with federal agents outside!”

After putting on camouflage gear, T.S. grabs Decker and heads back to the office. (Amy stays at the gym.) While Sophie flirts with Decker, T.S. calls the gym and tells Amy that David is at the office. T.S. knows the lines are bugged so this is his clever plan to throw off the feds. And it works! As Amy and Agent Williams head to the law office, Decker and T.S. head back to the gym.

And yes! David is now in the gym. He gives T.S. the package.

“Hey, little brother,” T.S. says, “everything’s going to be alright.”

Suddenly, a random bad guy shows up in the gym, holding a gun. He demands the package and promises no one will get hurt.

“Someone sticks a gun in my face, that don’t exactly inspire confidence!” T.S. explains.

T.S. then punches the guy out. One scene later, a news reporter informs us that Bruce Johnson has been found alive so I guess that’s the end of that.

This was a weird episode. For all the talk of international intrigue and Canada’s space program, the majority of it was just filler footage of the kid rolling around on his skateboard. T.S. was barely in it, leading me to suspect that maybe Mr. T had some vacation time and wanted to leave early. Either way, at least Canada’s space program was saved.

Episode 1.20 “Pros and Cons”

(Dir by Don McCutcheon, originally aired on May 23rd, 1988)

“In this episode,” Mr. T says, “some high-rolling crooks make a very big mistake when they pick on my Aunt Martha.”

Two con artists — Harry (Booth Savage) and Louise (Janet-Laine Green) — pretend to be members of law enforcement and trick T.S.’s Aunt Martha into withdrawing a good deal of money from the bank. Martha thinks that she’s helping them catch a criminal but actually, she’s just given up her hard-earned money. T.S. isn’t going to stand for that! However, Martha doesn’t want to tell T.S., even though T.S.’s nice, Renee (Rachael Crawford) thinks that she should.

So, Renee decides to investigate on her own. After rather easily stealing a book of mugshots from the police station, Renee shows it to Aunt Martha, who immediately identifies Harry and Louise. By running a fake credit check on Louise, Renee and Aunt Martha are able to track them down to a ritzy hotel. Renee dresses up like a maid and Aunt Martha dresses up like a rich guest and they infiltrate the hotel.

Meanwhile, T.S. is shocked to discover that a check that he wrote to fix his car has bounced.

“Why would it do that!?” T.S. demands.

T.S. and Amy go to Aunt Martha’s and find all of Renee and Martha’s notes. Realizing that the two of them are confronting the con artists at the hotel, T.S. and Amy arrive just in time to see Harry and Louise trying to run from the hotel. T.S. blocks Harry’s escape. Harry grabs a mop and points it at T.S.

“Ain’t no way, brother,” T.S. replies.

T.S. subdues Harry by tossing him over a railing (don’t worry, Harry lands on a table) and Aunt Jackie punches out Louise.

The problem here is pretty obvious. The name of the show is T and T, not Renee and Jackie. The fun thing about this show is listening to T.S. growl at the criminals. This episode pushed both Amy and T.S. to the side and, as such, it just wasn’t that much fun. Sorry, Aunt Jackie!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.2 “Pilot: Part Two”

Posted on October 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, we finish up the pilot for Highway to Heaven, with Jonathan revealing the true nature of his job to Mark and the old people heading to the horse races!

Episode 1.1 “Highway to Heaven: Part Two”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on September 19th, 1984)

The second half of the pilot for Highway to Heaven opens with things looking up at the retirement community. Everyone is enjoying the new garden. There’s a new sense of community amongst the residents. Even Estelle (Helen Hayes) has finally come out of her room and is now taking care of the dog that Jonathan previously gave her. Sidney Gould (John Bleifer) is especially happy to see Estelle out and about, especially after Estelle agrees to have dinner with him.

The only person who is not happy with the changes that Jonathan has brought to everyone’s lives is Mark Gordon. Mark is still suspicious of Jonathan’s motives and he’s not happy that his sister, Leslie (Mary McCusker), is falling for a man who she really knows nothing about. When Jonathan is having dinner at Leslie’s apartment, Mark breaks into Jonathan’s apartment and discovers that Jonathan owns nothing. There’s not even a toothbrush in the bathroom.

Jonathan catches Mark in his apartment and, after Mark demands to know just who exactly Jonathan is, Jonathan explains that he works for “the Boss.” He travels from location to location, helping people who need help. When Mark demands to know who the Boss is, Jonathan can only look heaven-ward.

Needless to say, Mark is not at all convinced that Jonathan is an angel. But there’s an even bigger problem to deal with! Mr. Sinclair (Joe Dorsey), the owner of retirement home, has sold the land to a developer! Everyone who worked there is now out of a job and everyone who lived there has been given just a few days to move out and find somewhere else to live.

When Jonathan pays Mr. Sinclair a visit, he discovers that Sinclair has spent his life making money in order to get over the shame of being rejected by his high school love. Unfortunately, she’s now dead and Sinclair no longer cares about anyone. Still, Jonathan is able to convince Mr. Sinclair to give him a chance to raise enough money to buy the retirement home.

Mark’s suggestion is that they take the money that they already have and bet it at the tracks. Jonathan is not sure if the Boss would like him gambling but, in the end, he agrees to Mark’s plan. At the tracks, it first appears that the horse that the old people put their money on has lost. But then then Sidney discovers that the person at the betting window accidentally gave him the wrong ticket and — it’s a miracle! They win the money!

The old people are able to buy their retirement home and Mark is now convinced that Jonathan is angel. In fact, Mark is so convinced that he insists on driving Jonathan around the country and helping him out.

(Don’t worry about Leslie. Though she’s upset when Jonathan leaves, a handsome and single man immediately moves in next door to her.)

This episode ends with Jonathan getting into Mark’s car and the two of them driving off, down the highway.

Wow, this was an earnest show. Seriously, there’s not a hint of sarcasm or snarkiness to be found in this episode, which I imagine explains why this show is still airing on the retro stations and streaming on a hundred different sites. To an extent, it’s easy to be dismissive of a show where a bunch of quirky old people got to the race track to win enough money to be able to stay together in their retirement home. There’s nothing subtle not particularly surprising about any of it. I mean, we know there’s no way Helen Hayes and that adorable dog are going to lose their home! But this episode was so achingly sincere in its approach that it worked.

We’ll see if it continues to work next week!

Retro Television Reviews: Jennifer Slept Here 1.2 “Jennifer: The Movie”

Posted on October 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Jennifer Slept Here, which aired on NBC in 1983 and 1984. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, the afterlife of film star Jennifer Farrell continues as a Hollywood production company comes to the house to shoot a scene for their Jennifer biopic!

Episode 1.2 “Jennifer: The Movie”

(Dir by John Bowab, originally aired on October 28th, 1983)

The second episode of Jennifer Slept Here opens with ghostly Jennifer in a good mood. A movie is being made about her life and Joey has somehow gotten a hold of the script. Jennifer reads the script and announces that the movie is going to be the “great biopic since Gandhi! And I look a lot better under a sheet!”

(The audience loves that line.)

Jennifer’s main concern is who is going to be play her in the movie and, at her insistence, Joey asks his parents. Since his parents are wacky sitcom parents, it takes them forever to finally reveal that not only is Jennifer going to be played by Sheila Drake (Lynnda Ferguson) but that a scene from the movie is going to be filmed at the house. Jennifer is not a fan of Sheila Drake’s and she takes out her annoyance by playing the piano. When his mother comes in the room to see who is so beautifully playing the piano, Joey is forced to pretend to be a talented musical prodigy.

Later, Jennifer is super-excited when the film crew shows up at the house to shoot a scene in which she talks to a producer. This actually leads to a rather poignant moment in which Jennifer tries to talk to a few familiar members of the crew, just to be reminded that she’s dead and they can no longer hear her. (When I say that the scene is poignant, it’s almost all totally due to the performance of Ann Jillian.)

However, Jennifer is not amused when she discovers that Sheila is planning on playing her as a “cheap tramp” who slept her way to the top. Jennifer goes out of her way to disrupt filming, first by unplugging a power chord and then, after Sheila has gone up to Joey’s room to wait while the next scene is set up, spraying Sheila with water and then ripping off Sheila’s skirt. Because Joey is in the room at the time, he gets blamed for both of these incidents. So, I guess Joey’s going to jail and get booked on assault charges now, right? Nope. Instead, Sheila just walks off the picture.

The director (Luis Avalos) is freaking out because he’s got “a six million dollar picture” and no star when suddenly, Joey’s mom announces that there’s someone that the director should see. The director says he doesn’t want to see anyone but then, Jennifer comes walking down the stairs. AND EVERYONE CAN SEE HER!

It turns out that Jennifer has the ability to be seen when she wants to be seen. She convinces the crew that she’s Sheila’s stand-in and then she shoots the scene the way that it really happened, revealing that she was a hard-worker who earned her roles with her talent. Unfortunately, when the scene is later watched by the family, it turns out that the stand-in does not appear on camera. (Instead, just as in The Invisible Man, the camera just picks up Jennifer’s dress moving around on its own.) The family assumes that it was a problem with the camera while only Joey knows that it’s because Jennifer’s a ghost.

Accompanied by Jennifer (who is once again invisible to everyone but him), Joey heads down to a snooty restaurant where he confronts Sheila and, with Jennifer’s help, blackmails her to return to the film. Joey threatens to reveal that Sheila steals her wardrobe from her movies and that she once spent a night in Madrid with a soccer team. If I was Sheila, I would reply by calling the police and telling them that Joey was in the room when I was sprayed with water and had my skirt ripped off. But apparently, everyone’s moved on from that.

Sheila returns to the film and shoots the scene, this time the way that it actually happened. Jennifer wipes away a tear. Awwwww!

Hey, this isn’t actually was not a bad episode. It was certainly an improvement over the pilot and Ann Jillian did a great job playing up both Jennifer’s pride in her career and her anger that her accomplishments were being denigrated by a lesser actress. The supporting characters continue to be the show’s biggest weakness but this episode largely worked, even if it never really made sense for the director to be okay with the family hanging out at the house while they were shooting the film.

Next week: Joey and his loser friend Marc both want to date the same girl!